Michael Kitchen’s Kitchen

I love Masterpiece Mystery, so naturally I love Foyle’s War, and the star of that series is Michael Kitchen. I was just thinking about how much fun it would be to have a restaurant based upon Foyle’s War, where everyone wears period 1940s-vintage clothes, and the place is like an English pub from that time. And in this place, one of the employees gets “killed” every night, and everyone in the restaurant plays a sort of Clue-like game to figure out whodunit. And it would always be something over pride, or money, or army corruption, or something like that, all played out over the background of WWII England. Now, wouldn’t that be fun?

Enterprise Rent-A-Car Star Trek Ad (Proposed)

Star Trek commercial-break-end music plays, and we see Captain Kirk on one of those cheesy planet surfaces from the TV-series, with the sparkly Styrofoam rocks, and the Fuller’s Earth on the ground, and he pulls out his communicator, opens it, and says: “Kirk to Enterprise: One to beam up!” So they beam him up, and we see him get all gold & sparkly, and he starts de-materializing.

Then we cut to Captain Kirk being beamed up into the transporter bay, only this one is in an Enterprise Rent-A-Car office, and not the Starship Enterprise; and everyone is wearing Star Trek uniforms, except that the shirts are green, rather than the gold, blue, or red. And so Captain Kirk walks up to the desk, and he says he’s got to go “Warp 6”, and so they give him the keys to a car, which turns out to be a Corvette, and Mr. Scott is there (in his usual red shirt), and he says: “She’s ready for you to come aboard, Sir!” And then Captain Kirk gets in and drives off.

Then, the announcer tells us that they’ve got deals that are “out of this world”, and that their service and selection will “set you on stun” (!), and then they show the splash screen with the Enterprise logo and stuff, but with Star Trek music behind it. And then for the tag, we cut back into the office, and Patrick Stewart is materializing in the transporter bay, but like he would in Star Trek: The Next Generation. And someone says: “Here comes another one…”

Anyway, it might be too expensive to license, but nobody would ever forget this ad! And all the nerds on Planet Earth would surely always beam up to the Enterprise from now on to rent their cars! (Plus, they could sell the fake green Star Trek shirts as novelties, and they’d be sure to be very popular with Star Trek fans on St. Patrick’s Day! {They’d probably become collector’s items, actually!}) Plus, with this new movie series, they could just get Chris Pine to be Captain Kirk (and all the new cast, etc.), and they could tie it into the next movie release! (Tie-ins are all the rage!) And they could have Mr. Spock say it’s “logical” to use Enterprise Rent-A-Car, etc. It’s practically endless what they could do with this!

(On the USS Defiant: “Star Date {whatever}: The Klingons have set rental car prices so high, it’s destroying the Federation! What shall we do?” And the “Starship Enterprise” {a space rental car office that looks like the Starship Enterprise} shows up out of warp, and signals them, and they get their cars for going down to a planet surface, and then the captain says to the landing crew: “Man! Now we get to ride in style! Remember what it used to be like? Walking everywhere? This is so much better…!”)

The Omen of Rosemary’s Baby: It’s Alive!

My sister sent me a link to a really fun blog called “PLANET OF TERROR!!”, and thereupon I saw some post about changing the endings of old movies, and the first in this series was about the great classic horror film: Rosemary’s Baby. Now, for some reason, I’ve always linked this movie together in my head with that silly 70s killer-baby movie It’s Alive, and then connected it with The Omen, which is using a very similar theme and idea and story like sort of thing. So I always figured it like this: At the end of Rosemary’s Baby, we don’t get to see the baby, but we hear it’s all evil- and deformed-looking. So that always made me think of Larry Cohen’s silly murderous-baby movie It’s Alive. And then there’s The Omen, where a couple adopts Satan’s brat, and he tries to take over the world through politics (which melds very well with Holocaust 2000, etc.).

So I’ve always seen these movies in my fevered imagination as being somehow intrinsically linked together, and somehow as sequels of sorts. All they would have to do would be to change a little teensy bit of plot at the beginning or the end, and it would work perfectly! So maybe they could even make a TV mini-series out of it on like the SyFy Channel, riddled with bad digital effects, and call it: The Omen of Rosemary’s Baby: It’s Alive!

Now admit it: You want to see it, don’t you? Especially if it leads to Holocaust 2000!

T-Mobile Black Leather “Alter Ego” Motorbike Ad

Okay, here we have the T-Mobile girl ditch her usual prim & proper sundress for a black & pink motorcycle outfit. (People are making a really big deal out of this, but I really feel I must point out that she has already appeared in an ad in a skin-tight leather motorcycle outfit: that one hot pink & white leather. And that was really great, too! So this is just a color thing, and not some new hot side to her we’ve never seen before. I’ll attach this ad, too.) Then she takes an elevator down to the basement and jumps on an Italian Ducati (Hey: Buy American! How about a roaring Harley chopper?) and zooms off into the night like she’s Batgirl or something. Maybe they could have her fight the evil corporate mascots of other cell-phone providers? (Like maybe Candace Bergen as Murphy Brown from Sprint?) Or maybe beat-up super-villains like Roaming Man, or Unexpected Charges Man, or Ironclad Contract Man! (Or do they profiteer off of that stuff too? I don’t have T-Mobile, so I don’t know.)

And this ad looks great, don’t get me wrong, but there’s a bit of a messaging issue for me, and it has everything to do with what little language they’re using. They say: “No more Mr. Nice Girl.” (MISTER Nice Girl?) And then they say: “It’s time to set the record straight!” So is she trans-gendered? Is this the big reveal they’re going to make here? They call her “Mr. Nice Girl”, and then say there’s a big thing they have to set the record straight about. Well, I’m not trying to act like there’s anything wrong with trans-gendered people, but that’s the message this ad appears to be implying here, or at least, that’s how it seems to me. Does anyone else see that too? It just seems like they’re using language that teases us to think she’s a “she-male” or something. And that’s fine with me, if that’s the direction they want to go in with their brand, but if that’s not what they want to tell us, then it’s kind of a big distraction from what they do want to say. Don’t you think? (I mean, we’ve already seen her in a tight leather motorcycle outfit with a super-bike, so what else is new, here? It’s nighttime?)

Plus, electronica music for a leather biker babe ad? Are you guys crazy? How about some Mötley Crüe (like: “Kickstart My Heart”), or some early Metallica (like: “Motorbreath”), for God’s sake! Honestly! (This ain’t no disco, after all! {For those who don’t get that reference, that’s from a Talking Heads song about the legendary club where they got their start: CBGB’s, also a real punk & metal haven! That’s where I used to play, too!})

Here’s the sexy, sultry, rubber-squealing, tailpipe-smoking spot (Va-Va-Voom!: Literally.):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5OIWfmjnJPs

And here’s Mr. Nice Girl’s pink & white leather motorcycle outfit ad:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-8KdcO7rlT0

Here’s another take on this ad, that feels a bit more, um, I don’t know, maybe a bit “propaganda-y”?:

http://www.wired.com/gadgetlab/2012/04/why-the-t-mobile-girl-is-really-getting-a-makeover-reading-between-the-lines/

Hertz Auto Bliss Ad

Here we have mean old Hertz trying to spoil the sales of auto dealerships and drive them all out of business. And not only that, they’re bursting King Kong’s bubble, pushing around some skinny wind-sock people, and giving a previously joyous clown a frowny face! Shame on you guys! You’re just a bunch of bullies, intent on inflicting pain upon your competitors and your customers! “Traveling at the speed of Hertz”? More like: “We Hertz our competitors!”

Actually, this spot is cute looking, but with the sound off, it plays out like they’re just driving around ruining everyone else’s fun.

And that slogan: “Traveling at the speed of Hertz”; how about instead: “Quality so good it Hertz”, or “Service so good, it Hertz”? Or, hey, why not: “Hertz so good!”? (And then they could use that John Cougar Mellencamp song: “Hurt So Good” as their theme song!)

Oh, but then I guess their competitors could bash them with that Linda Ronstadt song: “Hurt So Bad”, and say their terrible service makes it “Hertz so bad” to rent a car from them (!).

Here’s the snarky spot:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rBPTnQL2Cvs

Captain Morgan Black Secret Passage Ad

Man! This is the best liquor ad ever! Oh, my goodness: if you’re not an alcoholic already, this will make you want to be one! It’s just an instant classic! It’s like the best pirate party movie of all time, and we get to see it for free on TV! Awesome!

I think this is what most teenagers think drinking is like already anyway: forbidden, and awesome. And with this pirate theme, it just can’t miss with the rebellion and the secret worlds and stuff. Next they ought to make a vampire brand of liquor, and show that brand’s mascot abducting hot chicks in silky nightgowns from their beds at night and partying in their coffins together, and all because of the cinnamon red rum, or whatever. And the coffin could open up to reveal this impossibly large interior, like in Dr. Who’s TARDIS Police box, with a whole sumptuous castle-esque room with a Mark Levinson stereo with Wilson Audio speakers blasting Black Sabbath, and a silk-covered canopy bed, and with lit candelabras and tapestries everywhere. I’m telling you: that’s what’s next, here! And then they could say it will give you “life beyond the grave” if you drink their “blood” rum. And then they could say that if your life has become “drained”, you can drink their product and be “resurrected” as a “passionate creature of the night”! (Oh, and a competing product could be called: “Stake!”: It stakes that lame blood rum! Or maybe: “Lycan!”: It’s the vampire’s worst nightmare! And then they could have ads like the movie series Underworld, where Lycans are killing vampires and partying better, and showing how drinking a slug of Lycan can make you morph into a powerful werewolf beast, with hot chicks crawling all over you; and they could say: “Lycan can turn you into a ‘party beast’!” {And the ad would feature the song “Werewolf of London”, and go: “A-Woooooo!”; or they could use “Who Let the Dogs Out?”, and say: “Lycan: Let your dog out!”}) Oh, sorry, I'm getting carried away here, aren't I?

Oh, hey: Maybe they could even make British Royal Navy Rum to compete with Captain Morgan Rum, and then have the Beefeater Gin mascot execute Captain Morgan in the Tower of London (!). And the same company could make all of this stuff, and just set everyone against each other in their ads, like if a company made “Crimson Tide Rum” and “War Eagle Vodka” at the same time! And just build the rivalries in the ads and sell, sell, sell!

I’m not so sure that allowing liquor advertising on TV is the best idea, just like it’s (even more) dumb to allow pharmaceutical ads (shouldn’t your doctor tell you what you need?); but if they’re going to allow it (and I love the ads, don’t get me wrong; and I like the ad jobs too: it’s just that it’s like advertising cocaine on TV: it’s addictive stuff, this liquor!), then it doesn’t get much better than this. In fact, this whole new-ish Captain Morgan campaign with this blockbuster pirate movie theme, and all these naughty partying situations, is about the best you can get to advertise something like liquor. These guys are heroes and villains at the same time, and there’s just nothing a teenager loves more than a rebellious anti-hero! (And these ads just keep getting better and better, too! I wish I had their job! {And with these great results, too!} Man: I love and hate them at the same time! {Actually, that’s just an expression: these ads are not only ads, they’re cultural signposts! These guys who came up with and made these ads are like media superheroes! They're the Stan Lee and Jack Kirby of liquor ads, or just of ads, period!} I bow down to the masters!)

But perhaps, just to bring us back to reality, every once-in-a-while, maybe they ought to make a Captain Morgan ad where his pirate ship gets pulled-over by the British fleet for drunk sailing, or he gets charged with statutory rape and kidnapping for abducting some pretty young thing into his underground party lair. Because that would seem more like real life. (Oh, but real life is not what advertising is all about! That’s why it works so well!)

Here’s the Captain’s clandestine corrupting commercial (this is the long version, because apparently you’re not allowed to watch online the same ad you can see on TV whether you like it or not, and this is the only one I could find that didn’t force you to create an account and prove you’re 21 to see it {!!}. But the 30-second spot is better, I think, as a TV ad.):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JirALtpBB-U

Tidy Cats Pine Tree Car Freshener Ad

Here we have a couple trying to enjoy an evening in together watching TV with their cats, but they keep getting rained-on by car fresheners! Then they show the couple from behind and with the camera angle pointing up at the ceiling, and we see that the whole ceiling is covered with those green pine-tree car-fresheners (!). (I guess Repo Man neglected to tell us that you’ll find one in every house too!) Well, this is not only a great ad for Tidy Cats cat litter, they could also slap an ad for tape on there at the end, where they say if you used Scotch-brand tape, these tree thingies would never rain down on you like this! So then you’d be doubly-protected against litter-box odor!

I love this ad, except for one thing: This is obviously a secret new front in the deadly “War on Christmas”! They’re smearing these Christmas tree-shaped deodorizers just because they look like Christmas trees! You know it’s true! Next it will be manger deodorizers they’ll slander: you’ll see! (But are there even any manger deodorizers? Well, maybe that’s a new business model: make stuff people will protest against, and get all the free advertising that comes with the protests! It can’t miss! Although a manger might not smell so good, so maybe find another kind of deodorizer that is guaranteed to spark protests? That’s the ticket!)

Here’s the car-freshening cat-litter commercial:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rxe5xLi2crc