Cable TV Olympic Application

If you’ve been watching the Olympics on cable TV, then you must have seen the Olympic Application that appears on your screen from time to time. I’m assuming they will charge me through the nose if I use it, so I don’t really know what it does, but I love how it blocks my ability to hit the mute button, change channels, hit “previous channel”, how on recordings it tricks me into hitting “cancel”, which then exits me out of the recording, etc. It’s awesome!

But they haven’t fully realized its potential! What they ought to do is make it so you can’t use your remote control at all unless you click on it, and then it charges you $20 for each time you click on it, which you’d have to do each and every time you change channels, hit the mute button, change the volume level, go back to the previous channel, play your DVR recordings, look at the guide, turn the TV off, etc. And they could neglect to tell you about the charge until you get the bill, and then say it’s too late to reverse the charges when you complain, using the excuse that it’s a third-party feature they don’t own. (Wouldn’t that be great?) Then, they will have taken full advantage of the perfect money-making cable TV scam! Um, I mean, uh, convenience feature! (You know someone will become the next billionaire doing something like this pretty soon. It’s really just a matter of time, isn’t it?)

Bo Knows (Proposed Callback to a Classic Ad Campaign)

I was thinking about Olympic athletes, and how it was surprising there weren’t more athletes who specialized in more then one event (because jocks are usually good at lots of sports, and in a smaller country, it could happen more often), and that reminded me of the old Nike ad campaign from my college days: “Bo Knows”. These were because there was an athlete named Bo Jackson who was both a pro football and a pro baseball star at the same time, and so the ad basically exaggerated to a ridiculous extreme this idea that Bo Jackson was a world-class athlete at every sport imaginable (like Indy racing, hockey, cycling, soccer, golf, horseracing: you name it. {Maybe even cricket!}). And then this made me think of another famous Bo.

President Obama has a dog named Bo, and I thought it might be fun to have a dog food ad campaign about Bo, using the “Bo Knows” thing. The selling point of the dog food could be about how it’s great for energy and nutrition and stuff, so it would help your dog be great at physical exercise and intelligence, and so they could use perhaps the world’s most famous dog for a re-run of what is perhaps one of the world’s most famous sports-related ad campaigns.

So then they could show Bo running, and they could say: “Bo knows running.” Then they could show Bo playing fetch, and they could say: “Bo knows fetch.” And they could show Bo rolling over and jumping around, and they could say: “Bo knows gymnastics.” (Etc.) And maybe they could show Bo walking out of a political meeting, or barking at a reporter, and they could say: “Bo knows politics.” And perhaps they might show Bo chasing a squirrel up a tree, or licking someone’s hand, and say: “Bo knows diplomacy.” And then they could say that (whatever brand of dog food) helps give the requisite nutrition and stuff to allow Bo to be so intelligent and perform so well at everything. (And as the tag, they could show Bo carrying a large stick in his mouth, and they could say: “Bo knows big stick ideology.”)

In any case, I think it would be a really cute ad. (But it may not be possible while President Obama is in office, as it might be considered a conflict of interest. Unless maybe they could get The Dog Whisperer to translate Bo saying it’s not his fault his owner is the President, and he doesn’t see how that should affect his career possibilities, since he does not influence policy, etc. Plus, Bo could say that he’s only trying to make sure the Obamas have a source of income just in case his owner loses the upcoming presidential election.)

Here’s the old “Bo Knows” Nike ad I’m referencing (and there were lots more, too!):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9sz6xhPkGJ4

Trout Wig Replica

This is an extremely arcane reference to write a joke about, but I’m going to do it anyway. There’s a guy named Al Trautwig (which sounds just like “trout wig”), and he co-announces for all the NBC/Universal Sports gymnastics stuff with Tim Daggett and Elfi Schlegel. (Any gymnastics fan would know these names immediately.)

Well, anyway, when I was in college, I found out about this double-LP album called Trout Mask Replica by Captain Beefheart and his Magic Band. This record, if you’re just a casual listener, sounds silly, fun, ridiculous, etc. It’s like nothing else you’ve ever heard, and it’s just a hoot. Of course, if you happen to be an accomplished musician, there’s an entirely different dimension to this listening experience, and that’s the fact that you tend to say to yourself (or just blurt it out loud): “What the hell? How are they playing that? What time signature is that? Oh my God! Wow! How did they do that?” (This was made by session musicians, some of the best in the world, who must have wanted a challenge, because I can’t imagine wanting to hear that stuff more than once in a great while, much less having to learn and rehearse it, no matter how admittedly amazing of an accomplishment it is. But this is neither here nor there, but simply a means to an extremely overly-labored inside joke.) So anyway, with this album title in mind, please consider the following:

So someday, I hope NBC will put together a video collection of Al Trautwig’s greatest hits, and package it as: Trout Wig Replica (as an homage to Trout Mask Replica). And the cover picture could have All Trautwig wearing a mounted trout on his head like a hat. Now wouldn’t that be fun? (Aren’t you glad you read all this? No?)

This is Trout Mask Replica, if you’re interested:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trout_Mask_Replica

Michael Phelps and Larissa Latynina

Yesterday (or the day before: it’s hard to tell, because of the NBC coverage!), Michael Phelps won his 19th Olympic medal, finally surpassing the medal count of the previous Greatest Olympian of All Time: Larissa Latynina, gymnast of the Soviet Union. Yeah, um, in your face, Larissa, I guess?

The fact is, comparing Michael Phelps to Larissa Latynina isn’t even like comparing apples and oranges; it’s more like comparing chocolate mousse and filet mignon: they’re both great, but they’re totally different in every way, except that they’re food. (And we all love them, but for different reasons, and at different times!) And with these athletes, they are completely different except in that they are Olympic champions. And they are both great: about as great as Olympic athletes get! Can’t we just honor their achievements and respect them? (Nope! Journalists have to make a splash too, you know! {Since they’re not good at sports, I guess…})

Four years ago, they had a co-interview of Michael Phelps and Mark Spitz, and I was surprised to see that Mark Spitz didn’t just say: “Yes, finally I have been bested.” Except that he only didn’t win more gold medals because, as he said, there weren’t as many events back then, so he ran out of opportunities. So basically, it’s not possible to compare (even with swimmers from different eras), because it’s not an equal playing field, and they should all just say they’re the greatest of whatever generation. But that’s swimming: when you start comparing a male swimmer from the 2000s to a female artistic gymnast from the 1950s and 60s, you’re getting into Imaginationland there.

I found it most fun to see an article talking about how Larissa Latynina won a gold while pregnant, and I was like: “Oh, game over, dude!” Until I realized, with our genetic technology these days, surely we could implant a zygote (or even 2! How about an Octomom’s worth of zygotes?) into Michael Phelps, just so he could finally compete on the same level, and defuse those Latynina supports once and for all! (We’d just have to relax those stringent Republican-imposed genetic experimentation bans, which should be easy: all we have to do is accuse them of secretly aiding a Soviet Communist to defeat Michael Phelps: Mr. American Freedom! And surely they’d have to cave on that reasoning, right?)

So come on, Phelps: if you’re so good, let’s see you win with a fetus in your tummy! (Maybe he could just swallow one? Does that count?)

BTW: This is all just a silly joke, like comparing Michael Phelps with Larissa Latynina is. They’re both the best of their generations: what more can you ask of any athlete (unless you want to create fake drama)? Enough already: They’re both the best!

Here’s a link to but one of these silly comparative articles:

http://www.webpronews.com/larisa-latynina-phelps-predecessor-won-gold-while-pregnant-2012-08?utm_source=life_sidebar

Pretty Girl Cam Operator (at Sporting Events)

Whenever I watch a soccer game (or any sport, really), there are lots of shots of pretty girls in the audience whenever there is down time in the game. Well, it never occurred to me until today, but that’s somebody’s job/career. There’s a special guy in the sports broadcasting team whose job it is to look around the audience with a telephoto lens and try to find pretty girls to exploit. And then I started to wonder: how do you get that job?

Seriously, though: if you want that job of sneaking pictures of pretty girls in the arena audience at sporting events, how do you prove that you’re the right man for the job? Does a conviction as a “Peeping Tom” help? Does it show you’re a tenacious cameraman if you’ve been convicted for snapping pictures through people’s windows? Does it help if you’ve ignored restraining orders to invade people’s privacy, just to show how persistent you are? Does being infamous for rating women’s looks from 1 to 10 help with that job’s qualifications? I’m just curious about how this thing works, because it looks like a fun job. (And the women never seem to mind being targeted there, either; which makes me wonder: if a guy is too aggressive following hot girls around with a camera, can he use the “Well, girls always seem to like it when I film them at the game” excuse, and then say he’s the “pretty girl cam” guy at the sports broadcasts? {Guys are probably using this excuse all the time anyway, I’ll bet!})

Phil Dalhausser becomes Phil Doll Houser for Barbie Dream House Ad?

When I was a tiny tyke, there were ads with the former Olympian Suzy Chaffee claiming to have changed her name to Suzy ChapStick so she could shill for ChapStick. This silly ad campaign has never left my twisted mind, so every time I see a famous athlete whose name sounds like anything, I think they should change it to sell stuff in ads (like Eli Manning could become “Eli Manwich” and sell Manwich Sloppy Joe sauce, etc.). And now that there’s a new Olympics going on right now, I keep hearing the name Phil Dalhausser, and I think about how that sounds like “Doll Houser”. And so, naturally, using the Suzy ChapStick model, I think of how great it would be for Phil Dalhausser to become Phil Doll Houser, and then he could be the spokesman for the Barbie Dream House. Wouldn’t that be fun?

And if Phil Dalhausser became Phil Doll Houser, he could do ads where he plays with the Barbie Dream House with other Beach Volleyball greats, like Kerri Walsh Jennings; and Phil could be Ken, and Kerri could be Barbie. Now wouldn’t it be fun? And then Mattel could make a whole new Beach Volleyball Barbie beach house, and a new Beach Volleyball Barbie beach bum van, with all kinds of beach stuff in it, and it would come with doll-sized Olympic medals, teensy bikinis, mini volleyballs, beach umbrellas, etc. (And a free Surf Punks CD!) And it would all have a scratch & sniff coating that made it smell like Coppertone and seaweed. Now wouldn’t you buy one?

(This is just a silly joke. No offense to legendary Olympic Beach Volleyball champion Phil Dalhausser, I hope! I am a fan of his!)

Bud Greenspan’s Favorite Stories of Olympic Failure

I really love Bud Greenspan’s Olympics documentaries, and I’ve always wanted to make a joke one with that same narrator guy, Will Lyman, doing the announcing in exactly the same serious tone of voice, but talking about all the worst disasters of Olympic athletes (fictitious ones, to avoid hurt feelings {and because there are no losers at the Olympics: they’re all champions, and that’s why they’re there!}). One of Bud Greenspan’s best Olympic documentaries is called: Bud Greenspan’s Favorite Stories of Olympic Glory, so I thought a good joke version would be to have the opposite of this, with his (imaginary) favorite stories of Olympic athletes who screwed up. (And they could make the point that everybody screws up, but only on a stage like the Olympics can people screw up on a truly epic scale.)

This could be really silly and tongue-in-cheek, with fencers who stab each other in the hand fencing with cutlery in the dining center and have to drop out with injuries, some sprinter who breaks his big toe in a closing door trying to kick a teammate in the butt, etc. And there could be some guy who’s from some country with no Internet, and he gets free Internet service in the Olympic Village, and he gets so addicted to looking at porn that he misses his events. Or maybe there could be a medal contender for weightlifting who pulls a muscle showing off his flexing muscles to some girls, and so he can’t compete, etc. And there could be people who went to the wrong arena, or skied down the wrong side of the mountain, or shot an official with an air rifle by mistake during target practice. And at the end of each story, Will Lyman could say in that completely dry, serious deep voice: “Nyah, nyah, ny’nyah nyah. Epic fail.”