Gas-X Galactus Ad?

When I was in elementary school, I was a big comic book fan, and my favorite was perhaps The Fantastic Four. I even had a subscription to it for a while. And in this comic book, every so often there are stories with a great character galled Galactus, who likes to sputter around the universe consuming planets and stuff. Well, he sends the Silver Surfer around looking for planets for him to chow down on, and as it happens, Earth strikes his fancy. And, naturally, the Fantastic Four must find some way to dissuade Galactus from pigging out on our home planet and destroying mankind.

Now, they never did explain why it had to be Earth (or at least, I don’t remember them doing it, although it was a long time ago), and I wondered why Galactus couldn’t just eat another one of the planets in our solar system and leave us be. And that brings us to this silly idea for a Gas-X commercial featuring Galactus.

So the idea here for this Gas-X ad is that Galactus arrives to consume the Earth, and the Fantastic Four must try to stop him from doing so. So Reed Richards asks the Silver Surfer why Galactus doesn’t eat another planet in our solar system, like, for example, wouldn’t Saturn or Jupiter not be better for satiating his appetites? But the Silver Surfer says that gas giants give Galactus bad gas pains, so he has to consume Earth. So Reed Richards says that Gas-X will stop gas from being a problem, and he offers it to the Silver Surfer, who then gives it to Galactus. And Galactus is so appreciative, he decides to spare our whole solar system and eat planets elsewhere, because like most Earth people, Galactus just loves eating food that disagrees with his stomach, and he simply adores eating gas giants, but before he discovered Gas-X, he couldn’t stomach them. And so Earth and humanity are saved once again by the Fantastic Four, and all thanks to Gas-X, without which, everything we know would have been obliterated.

“I Wanna Be Your Dog” Pet Adoption Ad?

We all know the ASPCA Sarah McLachlan ads where she sings “In the Arms of an Angel”, while pictures of sad abused animals are flashed before our eyes. This is obviously designed to guilt trip us into rushing out and adopting a pet. But isn’t this exactly the sort of thing that could lead to pets being neglected or abused: manipulating people into getting a pet they don’t really want and aren’t truly prepared to care for? I mean, please don’t misunderstand me here: I’m not trying to cast aspersions upon Sarah McLachlan or the ASPCA; I think they mean well and try hard and really help animals in need. It’s just that I’m not so sure this strategy is the best way to lead people into healthy relationships with pets.

Shouldn’t a person really want a pet before they get one? And if so, then surely presenting pets in a fun and attractive light would be more realistic for attracting prospective pet owners, right? So then, why not show dogs and cats playing and looking healthy and fun, rather than parading sorrow and guilt across the screen? And for an ad about dogs, it might be really appropriate to use the Stooges’ song: “I Wanna Be Your Dog” while showing dogs running, playing, jumping, sniffing the camera, licking someone’s face, etc. With the hip group of people who are parents nowadays, I think that song might just be perfect for a dog adoption ad.

Here is why I think it might be a better strategy than the ASPCA/Sarah McLachlan ad:

http://jezebel.com/5763662/have-you-been-traumatized-by-sarah-mclachlans-aspca-commercial

Burger King Horse Meat Burger (Joke) Ad

Burger King is having a wee bit of a horse meat scandal horsing around in Europe. And this made me think: Hey, why not try to deflect blame by acting like they meant to use horse meat for a new horse meat burger? They could even make a special TV spot to advertise it:

The Burger King is riding on a horse to go to a Burger King restaurant (along with a small company of bodyguards who are on foot), but the horse trips and breaks its leg. As it was the only horse, the Burger King cannot make it to the Burger King restaurant on time, and he and his company of bodyguards are beginning to get hungry. So the Burger King says: “How about some horse meat burgers, lads?” And everyone cheers (except the horse). Then the announcer says: “Hey, you can eat like a king too when you try the new Burger King horse meat burger: it’s galloping good!”

Maybe they could call it the “Giddyup Gourmet Burger”? Or perhaps the “Bronco Burger”?

Here’s the meaty horsey story:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/01/31/burger-king-horsemeat-admits-tainted_n_2593538.html

GoDaddy.com Model & Nerd Super Bowl Ad

In this Super Bowl spot from GoDaddy, we have yet another one of their ads showing the dichotomy between their hot spokesbabes and their unsightly computer tech geeks. At least, I believe this is what they’re going for. It seems that for those who work for GoDaddy.com’s advertising department, people with tech savvy or high intelligence couldn’t possibly be attractive, and in order to shill for a product, you must be a sexually exploitable attractive young woman. I mean, I’m not exactly offended by this hackneyed stereotype exhibition, but I’m kind of surprised others aren’t screaming bloody murder about it, considering how other groups are vociferously bellyaching about other, far less obviously stereotype-pandering spots. (I guess feminists stopped bothering to complain about such skin-baring exploitative ad strategies, and nerds don’t bother to point out that not all brilliant tech savants are schlubby dorks, huh?)

But GoDaddy is well known for their teasing TV spots showing their spokesbabes doing tame stripteases for television, and then saying: “Go to GoDaddy.com to see what happens next!”* So are they planning on doing that with this commercial, and linking us to the hardcore pornography sex scenes they filmed of their young odd couple? Or instead maybe they could show her complaining about how they’re not paying her enough to kiss a nerd, or have him complain about how they’re not paying him enough to kiss a superficial, vapid model, because beauty is more than skin deep to a person of substance. Doing any of those things ought to get them even more attention than they’re already getting; and getting lots of attention by any means necessary seems to be what the GoDaddy.com advertising strategy is all about.

Here’s the perfect pair pitch piece:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26IWojjjUTU

* (BTW: I don’t know what they do online, but I’d venture to guess it’s a real letdown.)

Taco Bell Veggie-Slandering Football Party Ad

Ah, yes: It wouldn’t be America without a meat-serving company making an ad bashing vegetables or vegetarians, and then some bunch of silly hippies bitching about it, followed by the advertising agency pulling the ad, right? Oh, but I’m not sure Taco Bell even is pulling this ad (!!!). Have companies learned to stand up to bullies and whiners about their advertising? Nope, just kidding: They pulled it.

(When are they going to learn that caving in to these complainers only encourages more of this playing-of-the-victim to suppress fun comedic advertising? Even Little Caesars pulled one of the greatest ads of the 1990s when hippies complained, and those hippies were never even going to go to Little Caesars anyway, so what a waste!)

But to get even more offensive attention, maybe Taco Bell ought to tell the health whiners to “suck (their) big beef burritos”. That might even get a cheer from carnivores the country over and lead to more sales just out of a sense of appreciation that someone actually had the meat to stand up to the health bullies for once these days. (Actually, the simple existence of Taco Bell probably is tantamount to a rebellion against the health bullies, huh?)

But if the health groups want to diss Taco Bell back, rather than just moan and whine, they should consider saying: “Taco Bell doesn’t want people to eat carrots, because then we’d all be able to see how disgusting their ‘food’ really is!” (I kinda like Taco Bell, believe it or not, and I’m just joking about their food.)

Here’s the vaporized veggie vendetta victim:

http://gawker.com/5980153/taco-bell-pulls-super-bowl-ad-making-fun-of-veggie-eaters-after-veggie-eaters-complain?utm_campaign=socialflow_gawker_twitter&utm_source=gawker_twitter&utm_medium=socialflow

And here’s the late, great “Meatsa Meatsa” vegetarian-victimizing vigilante spot:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H4gQGGsCe_U

Sea-Bond Denture Adhesive Puppet Mouth Ad

These ads with the Sea-Bond denture adhesive dentures puppet get quite a lot of abuse on the Internet. Apparently they drive people crazy. And maybe this is why I can’t find even one example of them online to give a link for one so you can see it if you’re unfamiliar with it. But it’s basically just a very simple hand puppet of a set of gums with teeth, and it talks about Sea-Bond denture adhesive wafers.

Well, it seems to me that since so many people appear to detest these commercials, wouldn’t they get more appeal by making fun of them? It would be pretty easy: Simply have this gross sock puppet jump up and scare a middle-aged lady who responds by hitting the puppet with her purse. Then the puppet can tell her how well Sea-Bond works to hold dentures firmly, and claim the bash in the mouth with the purse proves how well they work.

Chicken Wing Shortage

We seem to hear this claim right around Super Bowl time each year these days: there is a shortage of chicken wings. (That’s how they can gouge us on the prices.) You’d think they would have genetically engineered a chicken with ten wings by now, but apparently not. (Seriously: Would that not be an effective solution?) So how about chicken breast strips instead? (Or is that too gross for football parties?)

And to get people not to want to eat chicken wings, perhaps PeTA could show a picture of a bunch of chickens Photoshopped to look like they’ve had their wings cut off while they are still alive, and say how America’s hunger for chicken wings causes unimaginable suffering to countless helpless chickens. (I like eating meat, but this idea might be an effective one for PeTA.)

Here’s the weak clucking story:

http://www.slate.com/articles/business/moneybox/2013/02/chicken_wing_shortage_drought_ethanol_standards_and_expensive_corn_have.html