I was watching the movie Pumpkinhead
with my sister recently (it was on TV and I had never seen it, so we took a
gander at it), and there’s a scene where Lance Henriksen says he’s going to “send
that thing back to hell” (or something close to that). And that made me think
this scenario could make for a fun ad for UPS (or another shipping company), where we see this scene, and
then a UPS guy appears and says UPS sends anything you want to send wherever
you want to send it reliably and affordably. Then he uses his magical UPS shipping
powers to send Pumpkinhead back to hell, saving everybody.
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Picasso Shows How to Foil NSA Facial Recognition
Picasso was way ahead of his time. For years I have heard people make fun of Picasso’s paintings of rearranged faces and ask why he would do such a thing and what use is it. Oh, but it has a great use: to avoid detection by internet facial recognition software!
Yes, simply follow Picasso’s lead and put every picture of yourself into Photoshop and then just rearrange all the features before posting it online; or if you’re feeling less adventurous, simply move your eyes around a little bit and maybe move your nose and mouth somewhat so as to make yourself unrecognizable to a computer.
See? Picasso was just trying to help us avoid Big Brother all along! (But he couldn’t just come out and tell us what he meant for fear of being placed on a terror watch list!)
Here’s what to do with your face in Photoshop:
Political Correctness Translator App?
As we all know, political correctness is a constantly and rapidly evolving system whereby terms considered fine all of a sudden become offensive, and are then replaced by other terms, which then become offensive and are replaced yet again by other terms, etc. Well, this might be easy to keep track of for young people, but for older people, whose memories are not as sharp, this constantly changing termscape may be a bit too much to handle.
And that’s why there should be a political correctness translator, full of all the most up to date politically correct terms for everything. Simply say whatever you were going to say into your smartphone, and it will translate it into the new politically correct terminology for you.
(I wonder if there is already one of these.)
Help for Hoarders?
I was watching some British crime drama, and as the police were investigating some murder in the world of fashion, we learn of some junkie friend who was staying with some of the suspects and the victim at different times, and the guy stole things and such for drugs. And then it hit me: that would be a great cure for hoarders! Plus, it would give junkies somewhere to live and a function to serve in society.
So for someone with a hoarding problem, just have a junkie come live with them, and pretty soon the junkie will start to steal things to sell or pawn for drugs, and little by little the house will become manageable, with more and more stuff disappearing all the time. And if the hoarder starts filling up the house again, they could just ask for the junkie to come back.
And in this way, two different people with two different problems can help each other.
(Hey, maybe it could become a government program of renewable resource management.)
New GM Slogan?
Remember when Joe Biden was traipsing around the country repeating the campaign slogan: “General Motors is alive and Osama bin Laden is dead!”? Well, it strikes me that this might make a good slogan for GM today in light of their ignition scandal that led to deaths.
So the new slogan could be: “General Motors is alive, and 13 of their customers are dead!” (Actually, I read that number could be closer to 74, but GM admits to 13.)
And, naturally, Joe Biden should be the spokesman for GM from now on, seeing as how he’s so proud of his role in making them the success they are today.
Here’s a news story that covers the numbers:
Monday, June 2, 2014
iPod/Earbuds “Turn Down That Racket” Ad
Seeing the Beatles movie A
Hard Day’s Night reminded me of how adults at the time reportedly thought
their early inoffensive pop songs were the worst noise imaginable. And when I
was a kid, I remember people’s parents yelling at them to: “Turn off that
racket!” and such. (Luckily for me, our house had a wing on it so our parents
couldn’t hear our infernal racket growing up. Mostly.) But can you imagine
those same parents from the 1960s being exposed to death metal, black metal,
trance, techno, gangsta rap, etc.? They’d go crazy!
So while we saw ad after ad for people enjoying themselves
dancing around to the music on their iPod (with earbuds in), we never got to
see all the other people who enjoyed their use of the iPod: their parents! So
using this idea for an ad for the iPod (or another mp3 player), we’d see some
parents reading the newspaper in their living room, when just then black metal
starts blaring (let’s say Darkthrone; or maybe death metal and Deicide). So
they shout: “Turn down that racket!” And then we cut to their (teen) kid turning off the stereo and putting on the iPod and listening to the same music,
but without bothering their parents.
My guess is that many parents recognized this aspect of the
iPod and bought it for their kids, but I never saw any advertising based upon
this concept. (Maybe there was some, but if so, I missed it.) But now that everyone’s already got an iPod or a smartphone with
music on it, maybe this idea would work best as an ad for some replacement
earbuds that really crush it sound-wise. And so the kid in this ad could still
blast the same music and have it sound just as good, but without anyone else
having to hear it. (Stock earbuds sound lame.)
Where the Wild Things Were (Proposed Environmental Political TV Ad)
We all know the great children’s book Where the Wild Things Are. But do you know what ended up happening to them? Why, the place was horribly exploited by oil- and gas-drilling and strip-mining, and now it’s just a wasteland! And now all the Wild Things are gone from there: extinct, victims of corporate greed.
Yes, once the Earth-raping corporate CEOs found out how easy it was just to journey to where the Wild Things are, and where the environmental regulations aren’t, they showed all their employees how to make their way there as well, bringing with them all their drilling and mining equipment. And then they drilled and mined the place dry of every natural resource it had, and they didn’t even bother cleaning it up afterwards either, seeing as how there were no laws requiring them to.
And so all the Wild Things were hunted down and chased off their land, and now the place is a toxic waste dump. And that’s why environmental regulations are so important and necessary.
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