Lean Cuisine AC/DC Ad (Joke/Proposed)

All the advertising I've seen for Lean Cuisine is aimed at women. But I'm a man, and I eat Lean Cuisine, so where's the advertising aimed at me? They're missing out on the male market by aiming all their advertising at women, because while most men don't like to use feminine stuff, they are really lazy about cooking. And I think men might buy more Lean Cuisine if the advertising targeted them with a manly campaign.

So, because AC/DC is a very manly band, I thought perhaps an AC/DC song, with altered lyrics, might make for a fun and effective Lean Cuisine ad targeting the (especially middle age) male demographic. (Middle age is where men really start to gain weight if they don't exercise enough.)

So here is my idea for a Lean Cuisine ad song, to the tune of "T.N.T.", by AC/DC (the chorus part and directly afterwards):

Lean Cuisine: it's a fresh bite,
Lean Cuisine: it's so healthy and light,
Lean Cuisine: it's a flavor load,
Lean Cuisine: the taste explodes!

It's healthy, its lean, its yummy cuisine,
It's a luscious meal,
It's so easy to heat and serve,
That's the deal,

So go to the grocers, and pick up a bunch,
Eat them for dinner, or eat them for lunch,
The food's healthy and sound,
You'll love to wolf them down.

'Cause it's Lean Cuisine: it's a fresh bite,
Lean Cuisine: it's so healthy and light,
Lean Cuisine: just heat it up,
Lean Cuisine: then eat it up!

This is "T.N.T.", by AC/DC (The chorus starts at 0:55):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aOmM7j8c3bo

Long John Silver World Cup Fish Flop Ad (Proposed)

A man is watching the World Cup with his friends when a player falls to the ground and flops around like a fish in mock agony to get a free kick. The man’s friends are not amused and ridicule the player, but our hero sees things differently: while watching the player flop around, he daydreams about it, with his POV shot of the television transitioning into a POV shot of a freshly-caught fish flopping around in a fishing boat, as though this man had just caught it on a beautiful day out on the ocean. Well, this shot then transitions into a beautiful shot of a dish of fish freshly cooked, and as we cut back to everyone watching the World Cup, the man says to his friends: “Hey, I feel like seafood. Let’s go to Long John Silver’s!” And then we cut to Long John Silver’s, and all the people there are enjoying a seafood meal, and one friend says to our hero: “That guy flopping around made you think of fish?” And our hero says: ”Yep. Aren’t you glad now that he flopped around that?” And they all agree that there is an upside to all the flopping around that soccer players do.

I Lash (The Super Villain)

I Lash is not only her name, but also what she does (!). She has mutated DNA that gives her not only incredibly thick and long eyelashes, but also the ability to use them like tentacles to lash people (and things) with them as though they were a cat o’ nine tails multi-strand whip. So with one eye’s eyelashes, she can grab onto and immobilize her victim, and with the other eye’s eyelashes, she can attack and flog them.

But what really makes her eyelashes into deadly weapons is using Illegal Length Mascara by Maybelline! Maybe she’s born with it; maybe it’s a genetic mutation; maybe it’s a crime against humanity; maybe it’s Maybelline!

Oh, but not only does she use Maybelline’s Illegal Length Mascara, but it’s also what created her (!!), for her mother used Maybelline’s Illegal Length Mascara while she was pregnant with her, and the mascara fused with her own eyelashes to mutate her DNA and to alter and evolve the genetic structure of her fetus, who, when delivered was born with fantastic, appendage-like eyelashes. (That’s why it’s “Illegal”: it makes those who use it into genetic mutants and their children even more powerful and beautiful than anyone ever has been before {!!!}).

Growing up, other girls were jealous of her beautiful long eyelashes, so much so that they were vicious to her. But while she hid her super-powered eyelash abilities from her peers, eventually she was driven past the breaking point by envious bullying, and thus a super villain was born: I Lash, the mighty, the beautiful, the vengeful!

If only everyone celebrated her lovely eyelashes: then she would have been a superhero, using her eyelashes only for good! But it’s too late now, and she only wants to have beautiful revenge on an uncaring world.

And this would be an advertisement for Maybelline Illegal Length Mascara, but with the obvious disclaimer that not everyone has this result from using the product (although obviously most people probably will).

Bug Zapper "The Amityville Horror" Ad (Proposed)

There's a famous scene in the horror movie The Amityville Horror where a room fills with flies, and a voice shouts "Get out!" at a priest. Well, I thought this scene might work well as an ad for a bug zapper, where a man walks into a similar room in his house, and flies appear out of nowhere in great numbers, causing him to be driven crazy and shout: "Get out!" at the flies. And the announcer could say: "Are flying insects making your home into a hell on Earth? Then get the (whatever brand) bug zapper!" And then the man's wife walks into the room, saying: "I have the solution to your problem," and she brings in the bug zapper, plugs it in, and all the flies fly straight into it and disappear.

Here is the scene with the flies I'm referring to:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PQseahtPVAA

Gas-X Ketchup Bottle Ad (Joke/Proposed)

A man is preparing a hamburger at the kitchen table, and he is using a plastic ketchup bottle to squeeze ketchup onto his burger. It's two-thirds empty, so it makes "farting" noises as he squirts ketchup onto his burger. His girlfriend tells him it's gross and to stop, but he can't help it. But then he gets a brainwave, and he heads for the kitchen cabinet, where he gets out a bottle of Gas-X, and gets a tablet, which he then puts into the bottle of ketchup, and then he shakes the ketchup bottle. Then he squirts the ketchup, and it makes no noise whatsoever.

And this is a metaphor for what Gas-X does for people who are gassy: it stops the farting.

(Now, naturally, there would have to be some disclaimers on this ad's lower third, like: "Dramatization", and: "Do Not Attempt." Because after all, this sort of smooth move only works for people in ads. And we don't want regular, everyday, normal people starting to think they can be cool too like ad people. Because, really: who wants to live in a world like that?)

Watch ESPN World Cup (Joke) Ad

In this (joke) ad for Watch ESPN, the app that allows you to watch ESPN on your smartphone, we see four vignettes of people using this app to secretly watch the World Cup at work.

The first one shows an investment banker collect his mail from his administrative assistant, who is covertly watching the World Cup on his smartphone, and the investment banker opens an envelope, reads the contents, and says: "I can't believe it. I'm being audited by the IRS!" And just then a goal is scored in the game, and the assistant leaps up from his seat and cheers. And the banker fires his assistant.

In the second vignette, a lawyer is meeting with a client while secretly watching World Cup on his tablet. The client, worried about his prospects, says: "This is my third strike, so if I'm found guilty, I could go up for life." And just then, a goal is scored in the game, and the lawyer leaps up from his seat joyfully and cheers, whereupon he is beaten up by his felonious client, sending the guy to prison for life.

In the third vignette, a patient consults with a doctor while the doctor covertly watches the World Cup out of the corner of his eye on his smartphone. The patient says: "I'm here for a second opinion. My doctor says I have erectile dysfunction." And just then, the doctor's favorite team scores, and he raises both arms, screaming: "Yes!" The patent storms out of the office.

In the fourth vignette, a parcel delivery driver is secretly watching the World Cup on the tablet in his lap while he's on the job. A spectacular goal is scored while he's driving, he raises his arms in celebration, and he has a distracted driving accident.

And this would show everyone why they need the Watch ESPN app, the app that lets you watch ESPN anytime, anywhere!

Sports Failure Ads?

Generally athletes who do spectacular things get the sponsorship deals. But with how much America loves failure these days, as evidenced by all the "fails" videos on YouTube, how about giving athletes who make spectacular mistakes advertising sponsorships? Ads could announce a sale and say: "Don't miss it, like how (so-and-so) missed scoring that goal that would have won the game!" (And they show footage of the missed goal.) Or an ad could announce a great deal and say: "Don't drop the ball, like (so-and-so) dropped that pass that would have won the Super Bowl, or how (so-and-so) dropped that fly-ball to lose the World Series!" (And they show the spectacular dropped balls.) Or athletes who made unbelievable errors could say they only screwed up because they weren't using (whatever product is being advertised). That way even huge failures in sports could get big endorsement deals!