Gatorade Crying (Joke) Ad

We see soccer players crying after losing games, and the announcer says Gatorade will help replace essential sugars, salts and minerals lost in tears cried by losing players so they can come back strong to cry hard when they lose the next game. Then the slogan could be: "Try hard, cry hard: Gatorade." Or maybe: "Cry your heart out, Gatorade will put it back!"

(Gatorade generally touts how it replaces sugars and minerals lost through sweating.)

Levi's Blue Jean Genealogy Ad (Proposed)

In this proposed Levi's ad, called: "Blue Jean Genealogy" (or: "Blue-Jeanealogy"), we see a family tree of denim products, and it goes back in time to ca. 1849 (in California during the Gold Rush), where there's only one brand: Levi's. And so we'd see that every blue jean in the world owes its existence to Levi's: the original. Then the slogan could be, perhaps: "Work hard, play hard, strike it rich: Levi's." Or they could say: "Levi's: The Mother Lode of Denim."

(I just read on Wikipedia that Levi's did not make jeans during the Gold Rush, but I saw a guy on CBS Sunday Morning who was doing archeological work digging up jeans from just that period {or so I was led to believe}. So I don't know for sure that Levi's went back that far, but I always believed that they did. But it doesn't really matter: just show how far back it did begin, and then show all the family branches of other brands making jeans afterwards, and the concept would work out very well indeed, I should think.)

The Vice Squad (The Animated Movie)

Yes, it's The Vice Squad, the animated movie about sentient vices who must squeeze crime out of the city! Yes, they'll be pressing the baddies for answers and putting pressure on every dastardly criminal enterprise in town! Once the Vice Squad gets their teeth into a problem, it gets crushed but good!

That's The Vice Squad, coming soon to a theater near you! It will blow your mind! Your eyes will pop out when you see it!

Mr. Clean & Sober

Poor Mr. Clean: he spent so much time around cleaning products, he couldn't help but get high off of inhaling them. And so, poor Mr. Clean became an inhalant addict (!), and he must now clean up his act as an example to us all in Mr. Clean & Sober: the incisive drama of substance abuse! For if he can't clean up his own life, then how can any of us trust him to clean our homes?

But in order for Mr. Clean to stay clean, we've got to buy his products; otherwise, he'll run out of money and get thrown out of rehab, and he'll fall off the cleanliness wagon. So come on, you know you need to buy some Mr. Clean!

And this could work as an ad campaign to guilt-trip everyone into always buying Mr. Clean.

(But really: did he think we didn't know why he loved to clean up so much all the time?)

The Leggo My Eggo Movie

The Lego Movie was a big hit, so then obviously the public wants movies that have the sound "Lego" in the title. And there's just nothing everyone knows that has "Lego" in it like the Eggo Waffles slogan: "Leggo my Eggo"! And so now that we all agree that the next big movie will definitely be The Leggo My Eggo Movie, it only remains for us to come up with a plot for such a blockbuster.

Okay, so this is obviously going to be an animated action movie with some expert martial artist's kitchen infiltrated by deadly ninja assassins hell-bent on eating his Eggo waffles. But those are his waffles, and where he comes from, someone else eating your waffles is the ultimate insult, so he's going to have to fight to the death to retain them! And naturally, lots of people are killed horribly, but our hero prevails, and despite the fact that lots of blood was spilled upon said waffles, he eats them anyway, because that's what true warriors do, or something.

And so Eggo Waffles are shown to be the true food of the godly warrior spirit, and every tough guy ever caught eating anything else will be killed instantly, or at least beaten up, or maybe teased, or whatever.

And so the moral of the story is: when someone says: "Leggo my Eggo", you'd better obey (or else)!

Lionel Messi Tide Ad?

Tide is a big World Cup sponsor, or so it seems from watching the games. And if they're going to sponsor the World Cup, why wouldn't they use Lionel Messi, and make a joke about him being messy? I can't believe they didn't do this!

So in this proposed ad, we'd see Lionel Messi get all covered in grass and mud stains playing soccer, and then we'd see him at home, and he'd drop a meatball in red sauce on his lap, and the announcer would say: "Messi can be messy, and it's no problem: The Tide is in, to take out the stains!" (And the new Tide slogan could be: "The Tide Is In", and we could see an animation of some dirty, stained article of clothing, and then a big wave would pass by, and it would remove the stain.)

Cristiano Ronaldo McDonald's Ad?

The World Cup is really huge, and McDonald's is a big sponsor, so how come we haven't seen a Cristiano Ronaldo McDonald's ad? (I know: his team got eliminated; but he's still one of the best players in the world!) It would be so easy to make one, too! Because what's his name based on? It's Ronald, isn't it?* So then:

We see Cristiano Ronaldo with Ronald McDonald makeup on (or Cristiano Ronaldo with no makeup on, but in the Ronald McDonald yellow clown suit), and he gets a burger and juggles it, or something. Then the ad calls him: "Cristiano Ronaldo McDonaldo".

No? Okay, fine... (Buzzkill.)

* (Yes, he's named after Ronald Reagan. No, I'm not joking. Look it up.)