Charitable Pie

On NPR today I heard some guy talking about raising money for something, and he said: “We’re all fighting for a slice of the same charitable pie.”

And I said to myself: “Charitable Pie? Hey, that reminds me of the song: ‘Cherry Pie’, by Warrant. Maybe they could sing about a charitable pie and it would sound less suggestive.”

Let’s see if it does:

She’s my charitable pie,

Her great big assets make my charities fly,

Her tax-free status makes a rich man cry,

My sweet charitable pie!

Donations in the mail, donations on the phone,

Donate it where you like and deduct it on tax forms,

Donations from the left, donations from the right,

Paying all the charities, funding them all night, yeah!

I scream, you scream, we all scream for her,

If you need funds then you can’t ignore her!

She’s my charitable pie,

Everyone gives her money and it's no surprise,

Her sweet deductions make the tax man cry,

Sweet charitable pie!

Oh, yeah! 

She’s my charitable pie,

Puts a smile on NPR’s face ten miles wide,

Funds so good brings a tear to your eye,

Sweet charitable pie!

Okay, I guess it’s still pretty suggestive. Oh well. And I thought charitable contributions were asexual.

This is “Cherry Pie” by Warrant, for those who haven’t heard it before:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OjyZKfdwlng

This Is a Required Field

I have a news flash for people trying to sell things online: If you have a thing where we are given a menu for options, sometimes we’re just looking to see what the options are before we check to see if it’s the right thing for a gift. If we then encounter a red box that says: “This is a required field”, we’re probably not going to buy anything from you, because it’s rude. If we don’t pick an option, it’s because we’re not intending to buy it today. Don’t be pushy. We used to get pushy sales tactics enough in person; we don’t need it from software.

There is a reason use car salesmen have the negative reputation they do. People do not like that. Sometimes consumers cave to sales pressure from other people; they probably will not cave to an annoying website prompt so easily. But keep it up if you think so.

I have encountered this issue multiple times recently, and I won’t be buying from any of those websites. Stuff like this is why people buy from Amazon. Plus we like getting their nagging emails reminding us to buy things we’ve only looked at once and decided not to buy. (Oh, wait: That sucks too! Maybe Amazon should not nag us like that either. I hear there’s the new site called Alibaba… I’m sure there are not 40 thieves working for that company, so no worries.)

(For those unfamiliar, there is a story called: Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves which is a tale from the Arabian Nights. There is a lot of thievery, backstabbing and killings in this story. So with that in mind, Alibaba seems like kind of a strange name for a business.)

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ali_Baba

Girl, You’re Getting a Gateway!

Remember the old Dell ads in the early 2000s with the guy saying: “Dude, you’re getting a Dell!”? That really worked well for Dell and the sales went through the roof. And I always wondered, why didn’t Gateway make a similar campaign but with a gal saying to her female friends: “Girl, you’re getting a Gateway!” That way they could have won the female market of Windows PC users and left Dell with mostly only dudes.

Oh well, maybe that’s why you don’t hear much about Gateway anymore. Actually, I don’t hear much about Dell nowadays either. I think both companies are watching people buying Macs and iPads and iPhones and they’re screaming in frustration: “Aaaaa! You’re getting an Apple!” (<Instead of a Dell or a Gateway)

V8 Dracula Prince of Darkness Joke Halloween Ad

Dracula, Prince of Darkness is on TCM this evening, and in it there’s a scene where some guy who’s staying in Dracula’s castle gets knocked out by Dracula’s servant, Klove, and then he gets hoisted above Dracula’s ashen remains and has his throat slit to bleed down upon said remains, thus reconstituting Dracula, who was reduced to dust via exposure to sunlight in the previous Hammer outing, Horror of Dracula. (I can imagine Klove bending over with a whisk broom and a dustpan trying to make sure he gets all the dust. If he misses any, Dracula may return minus a hand or something.) And I thought it might be fun to have a Halloween ad showing this scene, and once Dracula is completely reconstituted, he hits his forehead and says: “I coulda had a V8!”

Actually, it might be even easier and even more fun to have Dracula just bite some fair maiden’s neck, drink her blood, let go of her shoulders so she slumps down to the floor, and then he slaps his forehead and says: “I coulda had a V8!” I think that would make a fun Halloween ad for V8.

Kaopectate Rocky Wannabe Ad (Proposed)

We hear the theme music from the movie Rocky, and we see a man dressed up in sweat clothes like Rocky, and he’s shadow boxing and then jogging, etc.; and then we see him in his kitchen cracking a bunch of raw eggs into a glass, and he drinks them. Then we cut to him holding his stomach, we hear gurgling, and he runs into the bathroom. Then the announcer says: “Need relief from diarrhea? Kaopectate knocks it out, fast!” (Or: “Punched in the gut by diarrhea? Kaopectate knocks it out, fast!”)

Diet Sprite Ad Song (Proposed)

To the tune of “Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend” (made famous by Marilyn Monroe in the movie Gentlemen Prefer Blondes):

A kiss on the hand may be quite continental, but Limon is a girl’s best friend.

A kiss maybe grand but it won’t make you mental, nor keep your diet low fat, and help to keep your tummy flat.

(A beautiful woman holds a bottle of Diet Sprite and sings the above lyrics while performing a dance routine choreographed to accentuate the lyrics.)

STD Billboard Ad

While driving in the San Fernando Valley I saw a billboard ad that surprised me. It was an image of the sea in the style of an old Japanese woodcut print, and the headline read: “Syphilis Tsunami”. It’s kind of a yucky message anyway, but to make the comparison to the earthquake and tsunami that hit Japan in 2011 I thought was perhaps in questionable taste. (The Japanese woodcut style image makes the connection pretty clear.)

But this led me to wondering: Were the following headlines already taken: “Herpes Hurricane” (with an image of hurricane devastation), “Chlamydia Cyclone” (with an image of cyclone devastation), “Gonorrhea Gale” (with an image of sailboats being tossed about), “V. D. Volcano” (with an image of an erupting volcano), and: “STD Super Storm” (with an image of an enormous hurricane radar image)? Those might work too.

This is what the billboard looks like:

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DDsQU3gUQAAdosL.jpg

http://mms.businesswire.com/media/20170619006340/en/593671/5/Syphilis_Tsunami_14_x_48_Final_highres.jpg