Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree! It’s: “Hitchcock: The Movie”!

Supposedly, someone is making a Hitchcock movie about the making of Psycho, and Anthony Hopkins will play Hitchcock (!). So there will be layers and layers of meaning and irony here, with the man who played the famous psycho, Hannibal Lecter, now playing the man who made the famous Psycho movie, Alfred Hitchcock (!!). I only hope that at the end, he pulls all his makeup off, reveals himself to be, indeed, the Hannibal Lecter, and then proceeds to eat the cast and crew: Now that would be a movie! (Plus, it would fit right in with all these contemporary revisionist-history horror movies, like Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter, or that new Edgar Allan Poe movie where he has to hunt down and stop a vicious serial-killer inspired by his fiction: The Raven.)

Here’s the psychotic story:

http://movies.yahoo.com/blogs/movie-talk/hitchcock-anthony-hopkins-makeup-ralph-macchio-cast-225511356.html

X-Men: X-Mas (New X-Men Sequel)

Hey, we all love the X-Men, right? And who doesn’t also love Dr. Seuss? That’s why I’m hoping for the next X-Men sequel to combine these two worlds in X-Men: X-Mas! In this story, the X-Man “Beast” has been captured by an unknown group who leaves no demands. The X-Men use their resident psychic babe Jean Grey to find out what’s going on, but all she can come up with using her psychic powers is the following answer: “Who did it”. So, baffled by this message, and after much seeking and searching, the heroic X-Men finally use some newly-designed scent-technology to find Beast; but sadly, too late! For at this point he has become (Gasp!): “Roast Beast” in Whoville for their annual Christmas feast (!!). So the X-Men quickly team up with some local abominable snowman-type mutant named “Grinch” to get revenge upon the Whos, after which time, they all celebrate in Whoville with the Whos’ own feast and gifts (!). And henceforth the formerly lone-wolf mutant Grinch replaces Beast in the X-Men for further future adventures together! The End (for now…).

(BTW: In this story, the Whos could end up being nasty little vicious goblin-like creatures, like in the recent movie remake: Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark, rather than the cutesy little people from the Dr. Seuss story: Remember, fairy tale-type stories are always much darker than we think, as they are generally cleaned-up significantly for the child audience.)

Kardashian Dallas (Joke) Bourbon Ad

Recently, a video surfaced of Kim Kardashian telling her sister she wants to run for Mayor of Glendale, CA, and her sister replies that she’s going to be the Mayor of Dallas someday. And after this, my fevered imagination heard her say: “And when I’m Mayor of Dallas, everyone will have to act like a character from the TV show: Dallas, and drink huge glasses of Bourbon all day long everyday; and nobody will be allowed to drive unless they are drunk!” And then it became some silly joke ad for some new Kardashian brand of Bourbon: “J.R. Kardashian”.

BTW: For people who don’t understand this, there was once a TV show called Dallas, where rich greedy jerks tried to swindle each other out of oil money or something. Anyway, this show was big when I was a tot, and the only thing I remember very well from it is that every time someone would go to meet anyone else, at home, or in an office somewhere, the host would always ask if they wanted a drink, and the guest always would want one. And this “drink” would always be the same thing: some huge glass of straight Bourbon (I think) with ice. And they’d guzzle this down and go drive their enormous Cadillac home (!). So anytime I hear the name Dallas, whether it’s referencing the TV show or the city, I automatically see some sexy woman in a slinky dress downing a huge tumbler of liquor while trying to stab someone in the back (metaphorically).

And this, I think, would make a great ad for a Kardashian brand of Bourbon: The Kardashian sister saying she’s going to be the Mayor of Dallas, and then some scene re-creating a scene from the TV show Dallas, but with the Kardashian sisters in slinky 1970s-style dresses serving huge glasses of Bourbon to each other casually, like it’s what everyone always does all the time. (<That would be the real ad. The joke ad would be what I wrote in the first paragraph.)

And by the way, this whole thing is just a joke, as I’m sure the Kardashians would never encourage irresponsible behavior in anyone else, no matter how much money was in it for them. Right? Right.

Here’s the video I’m referring to:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qeifpy450Ms&feature=related

Heineken Dogfighting Poster Kerfuffle

I predicted this (sort of…)! In my review of the Heineken snake-fighting ad from last year, I suggested this might not be the best angle for the company to take (illegal underground animal fights in their ads, that is). Well, going in a direction I didn’t see coming (and neither did Heineken, I’ll bet: but we both should have!), apparently this ad campaign has made them the cultural catnip of underground animal-fighting rings. (Oops! That’s what you call a “PR Disaster”!)

Well, if PeTA didn’t complain about the snake-fighting ad before, animal-rights groups are certainly going to sit up and take notice (not to mention attack like vicious dogs in an, um, er, uh, an illegal dogfight, I suppose…) and howl Heineken into a summer’s-worth of dog days under the hot lights of harsh criticism and third-degree-style grillings. I know they probably don’t sponsor or condone these types of illegal underground animal-fighting rings, but when you show one in your ad campaign, people might start to think you do. And then they might just start putting your posters up on the walls at these events, and then people might see them. And then, this happens…

Here’s Heineken’s “doggie whoops”:

http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/upshot/photo-heineken-posters-dog-fight-creates-fury-222003751.html

And here’s my old post about the “snakeskin jacket” ad from July, 2011:

http://unconditionedresponse.blogspot.com/2011/07/heineken-snakeskin-jacket-ad.html

Pistachios R. Lee Ermey Ad

R. Lee Ermey, everybody’s favorite military movie bully character and weapons expert, yells at a pistachio nut until it “cracks” in this ad for pistachios. This is funny and stuff, but after seeing Full Metal Jacket (and maybe that nut has, too!), I was worried that nut might just shoot and kill him! (It is a “nut”, after all!) And with bullying such a big issue these days, everybody watching might just side with that crazy “gun nut”! (Hey: It could happen!) Because after all, he was just going to eat it anyway once it caved in to his commands and relinquished its protective covering, right? And if that’s not an excuse for self-defense, I don’t know what is!

Okay, so this ad is easy to make fun of, but it’s also cute. I love R. Lee Ermey, and this is fun stuff. I also love pistachios, so it’s a two-fer! Plus, the more anyone jokes about it, the more they’re thinking about pistachios! In fact, I’m going to go get some right now…

Here’s the intimidating spot:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PWS6sVWs2HQ

Nissan Falling-Apart SUVs Ad

Wow! I can’t believe I just saw this ad! It’s like they made it specifically so I could make fun of it! Hey, thanks, guys!

So in this commercial for the Nissan Pathfinder, Xterra & Armada* SUVs, they show a regular Jeep Cherokee-looking Nissan vehicle driving on a desert highway, and as it goes off the road onto some dirt path, they then say something like: “Strip away the styling.” (And then some of the exterior of the car, like the doors and stuff, starts coming off while it’s driving through the woods {!}.) And then they say: “Strip off the rear-view screens, (blah, blah)” (And the car keeps coming apart while it’s driving over rough terrain {!!}.) So it just looks like it’s all falling apart from driving on a rough surface. Is that what they want to tell us: that it’s built like crap and will all fall apart when we go over bumps? Because that’s what it looks like!

Oh, but they’re just getting started here, because after a few more seconds, the body of the car comes off the frame, and it’s just the frame driving through the backwoods locale (!). So, are we to assume the driver was killed, or is now injured and stranded, while his frame and drive-train goes moseying off into the wilderness? Because that’s what we’re seeing happening here. (I hope they’ve got a good cell-phone signal so they can get rescued!)

Now, I will directly admit that if you watch this ad with all your attention, it makes sense within the context of the dialog and imagery. But it still looks like the car is coming apart! And if you watch this ad with the sound off (most people hit the “mute” button for ads), the only message you could possibly get is that Nissan SUVs will fall all apart if you try to drive them off-road or on any kind of rough terrain. What else are we supposed to think here? In fact, it’s so ridiculous, it’s hard to see how it’s helpful to the brand at all. Seriously: what were they thinking here?

Oh, but at least at the end of the spot, the three cars are all back together again, driving through the desert. It’s just that by this point, it starts to look like this is the rescue squad looking for survivors. Oh, well… (I hope there are some!)

And here it is, the so-called “Strip Away” Nissan SUVs ad! I can’t believe it’s here!:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a94pCrXsXnc

And I’m not savaging this spot on purpose to be abusive here: this is really what this looks like! I can’t help it! But I think I know what happened here (although I can’t be sure). My theory goes something like this: Some guy with enough authority in the advertising department at Nissan probably went to their ad agency and said: “This is what I want for our next SUV ad: This is what I want it to say, and this is what I want it to do and to look like.” And so the ad agency said: “But…” And the Nissan guy said: “No buts! That’s what I want!” So they made the spot like this, and it’s not even their fault. And if that’s how it happened, then this is an object-lesson in why you should just go hire an ad agency whose work you like and think is clever, and then just trust them to do the right thing; because after all, they do this for a living, and you don’t (and that’s why!). So if you’re a 75-year-old CEO trying to sell stuff to 30-year-olds, you probably won’t even understand what would work to reach them; so hire someone who does, and just let them do their thing. And if you don’t like the outcome, then hire someone else the next time.

So, how could you fix this spot so it doesn’t say the Nissan SUVs will fall apart when you drive them off-road? Well, I wouldn’t necessarily do it this way to begin with, but to save this spot, I’d do the following: Show the cars driving like they do, but don’t show them coming all apart while they’re driving. Instead, when the dialog is read by the announcer about “Strip away the stuff, etc.”, simply cut away to a Nissan SUV parked in a showroom, or somewhere else, like a factory or a car repair shop, and show the stuff coming off there, and then cut back to the cars driving, and cut back to the showroom to show the car coming apart more, etc.: That way, it won’t look like it’s falling all apart when it’s driving on a rough surface. Because that’s what it does look like it’s doing now, especially with the sound off, and that’s just the wrong message to send, unless it’s intended as an ad attacking the quality of the brand, rather than an ad for it. See what I mean? (There was once a pickup truck ad that showed their trucks driving over rough terrain, and then they showed superimposed boxes that looked like they were showing an x-ray image of the interior-workings of the truck. Now that was brilliant! {Even if it was not particularly well-realized by the effects people, who made way too many boxes overlapping and bouncing around and mucked it all up.})

* BTW: Most of us remember the term “Armada” from the “Spanish Armada” that sank off the coast of England in 1588 and led to England ruling the seas for practically 400 years, so maybe it’s an ill-advised name for a rugged, dependable vehicle of any kind! Oh, but with our failing schools, maybe it won’t even matter, huh?

Stouffer’s Fighting Farmers Ad

This silly spot shows two brothers arguing about whose ingredients are more important for making the dish their father is eating more delicious. And with them fighting about it, and nagging dad about it, he can hardly even eat or enjoy it at all! I was expecting him to stab them both in the face with his fork just to get them to shut the hell up so he could eat in peace. But then it would make it have a red sauce, rather than a cream sauce. (But that farm location looks great, and it makes the food seem fresh, so nice job on that part!)

I can’t find the commercial, but here’s some marketing blog post about it:

http://www.fieldassignment.com/2011/03/stouffers-campaign-spotlights-farmers.html