Too Fast for Love (?)

In looking through some full albums available for listening on YouTube, I saw for the first time in a long while the Mötley Crüe album: “Too Fast for Love”. I never really thought of it before, but the wording of that title made me wonder what they really meant. I originally thought they were just trying to sound like badasses, but could it really mean something else? I mean, are they referring to premature ejaculation here? Because that’s what it sounds like upon further reflection, doesn’t it? And if you look at the album cover, it’s not a picture of a motorcycle, or of a sports car; it’s a picture of a man’s crotch in leather pants, and they are well-known to have worn leather pants during this period: I mean, what else are we supposed to think here? (Maybe it was a complaint they used to receive from their groupies so regularly that they decided to use it for their album title as an in-joke? {<Just kidding!} And if so, then it could be the slogan for some product designed to help this condition, and they could be the spokesmen for it after their music career fizzles.)

Ramones YouTube Ad

I was listening to a Ramones album on YouTube (their first), and it had one of those annoying lower third ads. But when I looked at it, I saw that it was perfect for this! The ad was for a service that helped people find vocational schools, and next to this album cover picture of the Ramones in their leather jackets and torn jeans, it was a perfect complement, as if to say: “Are you like these guys, but you don’t have a successful band? Maybe you should consider a vocational school!” It was as if it had been designed by some disappointed parents somewhere or something.

I don’t know if the ad will be the same, but here’s the link to the album on YouTube (If it is the same, it will say “Vocational Schools”):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lbqWFf-L9_E&feature=related

Fatburger

Yes, there’s a burger chain called “Fatburger”. It’s odd that in the middle of an obesity epidemic there would be a fast food restaurant chain called Fatburger, but there is one. (It’s in Los Angeles. I think Magic Johnson owns it or something.) And I was thinking about how that name might tend to repel people from wanting to eat there, until I thought of something else, which is: youthful rebellion.

You see, maybe with the name “Fatburger”, it’s the perfect place for young people to go to rebel against the government and all the lame square adults who keep telling them that fattening foods are bad, etc. They get it pounded into their heads all day long how all the foods they love are bad for them, and they have to just eat tofu and bean sprouts, and they’re not having it! And maybe because it’s a burger joint, and it has “fat” in the name, it’s like sticking up both middle fingers at authority figures who are always trying to tell them what to do. So maybe the name is a stroke of genius after all!

You certainly can’t discount the youth rebellion angle from anything, that’s for sure. Anything adults and authority figures say is bad, kids want it. Whether it’s cigarettes, alcoholic beverages, nudie magazines, pornography, illegal drugs, loud annoying music, silly hairstyles, saggy pants; you name it: if adults don’t like it, kids will love it! And when I remembered that, I came to realize what a great name “Fatburger” really is after all.

This is Fatburger (a Los Angeles institution for 60 years and counting):

http://www.fatburger.com/Home/

Raid Spider-Man (Joke) Ad

None of the bad guys ever seems to be able to defeat Spider-Man, and I think that’s because they’re not using the right kind of weapon against him. A big rolled-up newspaper might work well (which is why it’s so odd that Spider-Man works for a newspaper: one of the spider’s natural predators! {Squish!}), but there’s another possibility, since he’s got spider DNA or whatever: Raid spider killer. So why not have a Spider-Man/Raid movie tie-in ad? Here’s how it might go:

Spider-Man is trying to stop The Lizard from releasing some spray into New York City to turn everyone else into a lizard too. So Spider-Man sneaks into The Lizard’s laboratory, and confronts him. Oh, but this was all a sneaky ploy, for it’s not actually lizard spray this time, but Raid spider killer spray (!). So The Lizard sprays Spider-Man and kills him, and The Lizard lives happily ever after with a city full of newly-created lizard babes. The End.

And then, if this ad is popular, they could continue the campaign with other Marvel super villains killing Spider-Man, like Doctor Octopus holding a can of Raid in each mechanical arm, spraying them all at once at Spider-Man, The Green Goblin throwing those house fogger “bombs” at Spider-Man and killing him, etc. And, naturally, at the beginning of each new ad, they could explain how some science nerd superhero like Reed Richards (Mr. Fantastic) clones Spider-Man to bring our hero back to life, enhancing his DNA each time to make him stronger and more impervious to anti-spider poison; but it’s no use, because Raid is so powerful, it kills spiders dead every time: even Spider-Man (!).

It might be especially fun to have Spider-Man crawling on the ceiling behind some villain, and have the bad guy turn around and spray him with Raid, whereupon he falls off the ceiling onto his back with his legs and arms sticking up, dead (like a real dead spider might look).

Little Dorito (Joke Doritos Ad for the Masterpiece Theater Crowd)

Every time I see the title Little Dorrit, I can’t help but think of “Little Dorito”, as in Doritos corn chips. So after resisting for many long months, I will finally give in to this idea, and make a joke ad based upon this idea of “Little Dorito”, even though it is silly as the Dickens. (PBS is accepting more advertising these days, so it would be perfect for running before Masterpiece Theater.)

In this silly ad for Doritos, a television production of Little Dorrit is being produced, with a Doritos corn chip as Little Dorrit (and also with all the other cast and crew members as Doritos corn chips, with animated eyes and mouths, dressed up in clothes, etc.). So the director calls out for Little Dorrit’s scene to start, and the assistant director calls out: “I’m afraid someone has eaten her, sir!” And then it becomes a whodunit about who ate Little Dorito (like an episode of Masterpiece Mystery), with a trail of crumbs, people with cheese powder on their clothes (like hair & makeup people who helped Little Dorito, wardrobe people who dressed her), etc. And like I said before, they are all Doritos corn chips, so after a little bit of sleuthing, and the suspects being rounded-up for the big reveal (like in Poirot), a big hand reaches into the stage through an open stage loading door and starts grabbing them one by one and pulling them out, as we hear crunching and screaming, etc. Then we cut to a guy reaching into a bag of Doritos and pulling a chip out and eating it (suggesting that this is what’s happening on the outside, and the stage and all is what’s going on inside the bag of Doritos). Then the announcer says: “You never know what exciting things are going on inside a bag of Doritos! So reach on in, and grab yourself a handful of fun!” (The End.)

Tombstone Quotes (Etc.)

I’ve always wanted to do something silly with my headstone when I die. I had been thinking of asking for it to say: “He was asking for it.” But lately it seems like it might be more fun to say something like: “Not dead, merely sleeping; and hungry for your brain.” I wonder if anyone has done this yet. (Probably so.) Or how about: “Aaaaa! Look out! He’s right behind you!”

Maybe the future of graveyard technology will allow for lots of fun possibilities. (Although I’m sure the buzzkills who run the cemeteries will try to rain on everyone’s parade by insisting upon seriousness and serenity only. Lame.) But hopefully someday we can have headstones that are like the mirrors in The Haunted Mansion at Disney World, where you get to see yourself with a ghost, and when you look at the headstone, you see yourself with the figure of some glowing rotting skeleton behind you, etc. Or how about a rectangular lump in the ground that looks coffin-shaped that vibrates and releases dry ice smoke from the ground whenever anyone comes near and steps on the little hidden button on the ground. Now wouldn’t that be fun? (I’ll bet teenagers would visit their great-grandparents’ graves more often then!)

Diet Cat Food

My sister has three cats. When she goes out of town, I take care of them. And I’ve noticed something lately, which is that their food is different.

This is natural, really. One of her cats got kidney stones, and it happens to be her daughter’s favorite cat, so when the vet said they would have to change this cat’s diet, that meant it had to change for all the cats. (Simplicity, you see.) And as an added incentive, all her cats (except for the friendly, active one) were starting to get a bit overweight, so she decided to spring for the ultra-expensive health cat food, just to help with all of their health. And it’s working too! Would you like to know why? Well, then, I’ll tell you.

Okay, so in the past, we used to feed her cats Friskies (Classic Paté), and they loved it. In fact, they liked it so much, they used to try to squeeze each other out for first dibs on the bowls (2 bowls for 3 cats). And they always used to crowd into the kitchen to rub against all of our legs to get the food in the morning, too. (That’s how we should have known they had an addictive relationship with food!)

Oh, but with this new cat food, it’s much different. Now the cats are all thin and svelte, and they never bother us for food anymore. Want to know why? Well, for one thing, they hardly eat any of it. Only one cat ever comes to wait to be fed anymore, and it’s not so she can get it first: it’s only so she can do her little passion play of slowly walking over to the bowls, smelling them both, looking back over at me, smelling them again, looking back again, looking down, looking at me again, and then acting like she’s burying the food as though it were cat poop and walking away. (This happens every day, twice a day. But to be fair, she can’t speak English, so she’s doing the best she can to communicate, and I understand her perfectly well enough! The other cats, I think, naturally assume we hate them for feeding them this stuff.)

So, while I will not reveal the name of the cat food involved in this scientific diet, I will say that they don’t seem to like it. But it has made them lose weight, so it works for that, at least. (And this is the only reason I think it works at all: because they don’t like it!) And this is what I think the government is going to start doing with us pretty soon. Seriously, they spend most of their time berating us for being fat, bashing fast food, etc., and meddling more and more in healthcare stuff, so it’s really only a matter of time, isn’t it?

But they really don’t even need to change the food with us. One of the foods my sister got for her cats (the dry stuff) has the word “urinary” in the name of it. If the government would simply mandate the inclusion of the word “urinary” in the names of human food as well, I’m sure we’d all lose weight too!