Animal Extinction Schedule

On Real Time with Bill Maher, Gavin Newsom* said we’re losing a species to extinction every 20 minutes nowadays. But how do the animals keep to that schedule? Every 20 minutes another species goes extinct? How are they organizing this?

It seems like a logistical nightmare to have to make a different species go extinct every 20 minutes. Why don’t they just wait and go extinct three at a time every hour? Wouldn’t that be easier to remember? Or how about a group of them just wait and go extinct together every day? That wouldn’t be such a rigorous schedule. Because, you know, if one species misses going extinct on the 20 minute mark, that screws up the whole thing, and then nobody can go extinct in the proper order anymore: what a hassle!

And you know, I didn’t know animals were smart enough to hold to such a tight interspecies schedule for accomplishing anything, never mind going extinct on time one by one every 20 minutes. In fact, this seems fishy to me somehow. Are we sure the government isn’t secretly behind this?

No, think about it: what other group has the resources to carry out such a systematic logistical extinction schedule aside from the government? I think it’s clear the government is behind the extinction schedule, and I guess all so they can guilt trip us about conservation.

Actually, on second thought, I’m not so sure our government could pull off something this complicated in a competent manner. Maybe the government is not guilty after all. But let’s blame them anyway, okay?

* BTW: Gavin, you’ve got my vote for governor when you run!

Presidential Roadways in New York

I was watching The French Connection for a few minutes this evening, and someone made reference to the East River Drive, and I thought: “Oh, you mean FDR Drive.” And then I thought about that roadway, and the dubious “honor” it is to have a NYC thoroughfare named after you. People are trapped for hours on these stretches of road day after day, and I can only think this sort of honor would sully the name of the honoree, with countless motorists cursing their name daily if not hourly (or perhaps even minutely).

So here’s my suggestion: name city roads that are constantly being jammed with traffic and gridlock after our worst, most hated, corrupt and incompetent politicians. So we could have Richard Nixon Drive, George W. Bush Pkwy, Andrew Johnson Highway, Warren G. Harding Bridge, James Buchanan Pkwy, etc. (<And maybe even a Hillary Clinton Drive someday!) Then the “honor” would be well deserved, as everyone’s hatred and frustration from being tied up in traffic would be well warranted for the road’s namesake.

Grecian Formula: Economy Formula

Get all the prosperity and liquidity out of your economy with Grecian Formula: Economy Formula! It gets the green out of your economy just like regular Grecian Formula gets the gray out of your hair, guaranteed!

Pizza Delivery Road Runner Meat Lover’s Pizza Ad (Proposed)

Most pizza delivery places have a Meat Lover’s Pizza, and they all promise fast delivery. So I thought it would be fun to make an ad for a pizza delivery chain’s Meat Lover’s Pizza featuring the Road Runner and the Coyote from the Warner Brothers cartoons. The Coyote would be frustrated from trying and always failing to catch anything for food, so he calls for a delivery of a Meat Lover’s Pizza (since he’s a carnivore), and just after he hangs up the phone, the Road Runner arrives with the pizza, saying: “Meat! Meat!” The Coyote does that slurpy-sounding lip smacking he always does in the cartoons, slowly licking his lips from one corner of his big mouth to the other as he opens the pizza box to reveal a big, delicious-looking pizza covered with different meats. Then the announcer says: “Stop frustrating yourself with empty schemes. Order a Meat Lover’s Pizza from (whichever pizza chain), delivered fast and hot!” Then we see the Road Runner’s head appear on screen, and he’s wearing a hat with the pizza chain’s logo on it, and he says: “Meat! Meat!” and then he speeds away in a cloud of smoke.

Cat Napkins

Tired of wasting precious water resources with washing cloth napkins, but hate even more the thought of deforesting the planet for paper napkins? Then it’s time for you to try Cat Napkins, the environmentally responsible way to keep your hands and mouth clean while eating!

Here’s how it works: Adopt a cat, and during/after eating, simply allow the cat to sit in your lap, and wipe your hands and mouth off onto your cat’s fur. Then the cat will lick the food and grease off of its fur in its normal self-cleaning activities, leaving your lap food-free, your hands and face absolutely clean and the cat completely devoid of food-related mess.

That’s Cat Napkins: Go to the animal shelter and adopt your eco-napkins today!

Soap Comedian Ad (Proposed)

A stand-up comedian is on stage performing his routine, but it’s so dirty, practically every other word is bleeped. Then someone from the audience throws a bar of soap at the comedian, it bounces off his head, and with a perplexed expression on his face, he stops talking. Then the announcer chimes in, saying: “Too dirty? Clean up your act, with (whatever brand of) soap!”

Soap Western Ad (Proposed)

In a nod to the classic Western Shane, a heroic gunfighter goes into town to face down a hired gunman, saying to him when they meet: “I heard you’re a no-good dirty so-and-so.” The gunman replies: “Prove it.” Then the heroic gunfighter says: “Prove you’re not!” to which the gunman quick-draws a bar of soap (the brand being advertised) and holds it up to the hero’s face. The hero, taken aback, says: “I’m sorry. I guess I was misinformed about you. You’re clean.” Then the announcer chimes in, saying: “(Brand of) soap: clean your reputation!”