La-Z-Boy Thanos Ad (Joke/Proposed)

Thanos, the Marvel Comics super villain, sits upon his chair and says: “Now that I am master of the universe, I think I deserve a more comfortable chair. I want a La-Z Boy recliner!” And then, poof, a La-Z-Boy chair and a La-Z-Boy dealer appear before him. Thanos gets off of his chair of power and sits in the La-Z-Boy, saying: “Yes. Now this is the life!” Then he tells the dealer that he can have his chair from before, but once the dealer sits in the chair, he becomes power mad, saying: “Ha ha ha! Now I am the most powerful man in the universe!” And so Thanos destroys him, but afterwards, he thanks him for bringing him his new chair: a chair for the ages, that anyone can get, be them mortal or immortal.

Then, as a tag, Thanos says: "Should others be able to have such a chair as this? Normally I would forbid it, but now I am so comfortable, I feel merciful, and now I say: Surely everyone deserves a chair like this one! Let the masses be comforted, for now!"

This is Thanos, for those who don't know him, from Guardians of the Galaxy.

Death, Taxes and Advertising

Benjamin Franklin once said: "In this world, nothing can be said to be certain except death and taxes." (I always heard it was: "There is nothing certain in life but death and taxes.")

But this quote is clearly wrong. There are three certainties: death, taxes, and advertising.

(Odd that a newspaperman would leave out the fact that advertising is also a certainty. Maybe if he had put more emphasis upon it, the newspaper industry would still be big.)

It's Beginning to Look Like Star Wars

(Based upon the song: "It's Beginning to Look Like Christmas", by Johnny Mathis)

It's beginning to look a lot like Star Wars,
Everywhere you go,
Grab your blasters once again,
Get a doll of Kylo Ren,
With his light saber and silver mask aglow.

It's beginning to look a lot like Star Wars,
Toys in every store,
People everywhere you see,
Dressed up like in the movie,
Everything's like Star Wars!

Star Wars Episode 6.5: The Force Takes a Nap!

In this, the exciting prequel to Star Wars Episode 7: The Force Awakens, the Force gets tired and decides to take a nap for a while. And so the story features Jedi and the Sith trying to use the Force, but it doesn't work. So Jedi try the Jedi Mind Trick on Stormtroopers, saying: "These aren't the droids you're looking for," and the Stormtroopers say: "Um, actually, I'm pretty sure they are. They sure look like the droids we're looking for. Hey, come back here!" And evil Sith characters try strangling people to death with the Force, but it doesn't work. (Although to avoid being cut in half with a light saber, the victims pretend it works and play dead.) And I'm afraid that blue Sith lightning just won't conjure. A Sith Lord tries using it, but nothing comes out, prompting his intended victim to ask: "Um, what are you doing? Conducting to music on your earbuds?" Then the Force starts dreaming, which sets off all kinds of disturbances and such, imperiling everyone in the entire galaxy!

When will the Force wake up? See Star Wars Episode 7: The Force Awakens to find out!

Misery Loves Company, Inc.

Are you miserable, and you want to make other people miserable too so you won't suffer alone, but you don't know how? Then come on down or call the Misery Loves Company, Incorporated! We've got lots of items, ideas and strategies to get everyone around you just as unhappy as you are, guaranteed! So don't wait: pick up that phone or just walk into a Misery Loves Company branch near you, and you'll be surrounded by all the miserable company you could ever want, fast! And we don't charge for our products or services at Misery Loves Company: just seeing you all miserable is all the reward we could ask for.

Proposed Change to "Deck the Halls"

Senator Ted Cruz today proposed removing the line: "Don we now our gay apparel" from the song: "Deck the Halls," claiming it promotes homosexuality. He suggested the line be changed to: "Let's all go to Cracker Barrel," referencing the family restaurant chain.

There is no word on whether the change will be made to the song or not at this time.

VWC (Veterans of the War on Christmas)

At this special time of year, I would like to tell the Veterans of the War on Christmas (VWC): "Thank you for your service." I'll bet these guys get PTSD every time anyone ever says: "Happy Holidays" to them instead of: "Merry Christmas." It must be rough. But like Jesus said: "You better say: 'Merry Christmas' instead of: 'Happy Holidays,' or it means war!"

Of course, I am only joking here. But I still hope Bill O'Reilly gets his battle cross medal for his heroism in the War on Christmas. (It is a cross made of assault rifles over a green Christmas tree-shaped medal, hanging from a ribbon used for wrapping Christmas presents.) He never fought in any actual war, so given his hawkishness, I think he deserves this.