Gymnastics Hugging Charmin Ad (Proposed)

There’s a lot of hugging in gymnastics on the women’s side. After each routine, the gymnast hugs her coach, then her teammates, then the coaches hug each other. It’s a veritable hug-fest. And since I’m always thinking about advertising, I wondered what could be done with all this hugging in a product advertisement.

And then I thought of the old: “Don’t squeeze the Charmin” ads from my childhood. Now Charmin, and most bathroom tissues, come in this big monolith pack that’s 4 rolls tall by three rolls wide by 1 roll deep: the perfect size for hugging.

So I thought maybe we could have an ad for Charmin where the gymnasts hug the Charmin pack. And perhaps ever bring back (a new version of) Mr. Whipple tell them not to squeeze the Charmin, but when he sees who it is, he says they may squeeze the Charmin.

I know it’s silly, but aren’t a lot of ads?

Here’s an example of the old Mr. Whipple “Don’t squeeze the Charmin” Ads:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L50tuag6iRs

Miracle Gro Black Sabbath Ad (Joke/Proposed)

We see Ozzy Osbourne singing the classic Black Sabbath song: “Sweet Leaf” as he tends to a few pot plants in his private greenhouse. He sings the part just before the second verse to the plants, as he waters them (“I love you, oh you know it!”), and then he sings the second verse as he prunes the plants. The announcer chimes in, saying Miracle Gro helps all your plants grow up to be the strongest possible. And then the original recording of “Sweet Leaf” starts playing from the part where Ozzy sings: “Come on now, try it out!” (This time over a product shot of Miracle Gro, and meaning to try out Miracle Gro.) and then the music fades out before the last verse begins.

This is “Sweet Leaf” by Black Sabbath (The part I’m referring to starts at about 1:30):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HY6ghH8ax1I

(You never know: once pot is legal in all states, maybe they’ll make this ad for real. And it wouldn’t necessarily have to be Ozzy singing it either: it could just be some metalhead stoner guy. And it doesn’t even have to be pot plants if Ozzy is in the ad: it could be any plants; and in that case, they could make the ad right now.)

Elijah Craig Black Sabbath Ad (Proposed)

Someone downs a shot of Elijah Craig Bourbon, and we hear a riff from Black Sabbath’s “War Pigs”, but with Ozzy singing: “Elijah!” instead of: “Oh Lord yeah!” at the beginning, and then that famous heavy riff.

Or they could just use it as it is: what Ozzy sings already sounds a lot like: “Elijah!”

And each time those first two chords sound, someone could take a shot, and we hear the other four chords with the single note while the shot-taker headbangs and hands a shot to someone else, and repeat.

Then, at the end, the announcer says: “Elijah Craig: Oh Lord yeah!”

Here’s the song “War Pigs” by Black Sabbath (the part I’m referring to starts at around 1:45):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uJ6QHfZwTSw

Always Infinity Stephanie Labbé Ad

I just saw an ad for Always Infinity featuring Olympic Canadian goalie Stephanie Labbé. Wow, when did they decide to use her in their ads?

Stephanie Labbé is Canada’s backup goalkeeper, and if their first-stringer hadn’t been injured, Stephanie Labbé likely wouldn’t have even played at all. But she has played, and without a doubt she has been the best goalkeeper in the tournament so far.

So, did Always make ads with a bunch of women’s soccer players and then just go with who turned in the best performance? That’s one way to do it. Or maybe they guessed she would be this great of a player in the Olympics? Or maybe they thought she was the best looking player? It would be inappropriate for me to comment on the looks of an athlete, but if that’s what the ad agency thought, I agree. Not commenting on her looks, just agreeing with the ad agency if that’s what they think.

I have to say, I have not once thought about feminine hygiene products the whole time I have watched women’s soccer during these Olympics, or actually, ever, during a women’s soccer tournament (which am an avid fan of, and watch a lot), I don’t think. I’m afraid this ad might remind me of that from now on, though. But I doubt it, actually. I just really like the game.

I could be wrong, but I think Canada will win the Olympic Gold Medal here. They’ve been the strongest team so far, scoring the fastest goal of any soccer game in the Olympics in their first game, and I will be surprised if they don’t win this one. And I firmly believe that after the Rio Games, if Canada wins, Stephanie Labbé will be considered the best goalie in the world. Good for her: she’s earned it (so far)!

(Seems I was wrong about Canada winning the gold medal. They lost to Germany 2:0 in the semis.)

Here’s the soccer spot:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E-QyrOc8Xsc

https://www.ispot.tv/ad/AbHM/always-infinity-because-im-a-woman-featuring-stephanie-labbe

Thomas Gibson’s Lightning Feet of Death

I just read that Thomas Gibson was fired from his long-running TV show: Criminal Minds because reportedly he kicked a producer.

I want to know what kind of kick this was. Was this a painful kick to the shins like elementary school children would do, or was this a deadly kung fu karate ninja kick? Did he do a deadly roundhouse kick to the producer that saw the head come off and fly into a waiting trashcan, after which Thomas Gibson made the basketball "swish" stance and said: "Oh! Three points! Gibson out!*"? And did he then kick the heads off all the other producers, kick over all the star trailers, crushing them to death, and then kick over the stage, killing everyone instantly, after which he spontaneously grew long white hair with a man-bun and a Fu Manchu white mustache and white beard like Lieh Lo in: Clan of the White Lotus, after which he disappeared into the night? I only wonder because I worked on a show with Thomas Gibson before, and he never once kicked me with his lightning feet of death, even though I’m sure I probably deserved it.

So I don’t know what happened here, but I think maybe I am on his side here. If you can’t kick the people you work with, then who can you kick: your family?

But this could be an amazing career move for Thomas Gibson. Now he can star in the new hit show: Thomas Gibson’s Lightning Feet of Death! In this show, Thomas Gibson will have producers nag and harangue him until he kicks them. And the producer who can make him kick them the fastest wins!

Oh, and I think I have figured out how they should write Gibson out of the show: just have it turn out that every victim in the whole show was killed by his lightning feet of death, but because he was on the investigative team, he got to tamper with evidence and make it look like they were killed in other ways. And so now that they know this, he is a dangerous fugitive, and everyone they ever sent to prison has been innocent the whole time, but after they are released, now they are criminally insane and commit murders that must be solved to prosecute them again, just like in that NetFlix series: Making a Murderer. (Oh, but then it turns out that a strange alien fungus has infected Thomas Gibson's feet, and that he's been innocent all along! It's kind of like a deadly, murderous version of toenail fungus, and it makes you kill against you will, and you have no memory of it later. And you probably have it too! So you better buy Criminal Minds' Brand Killer Foot Fungus Killer: "We're all killers, but which side are you on?")

Here’s the story:

http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/live-feed/thomas-gibson-fired-cbs-criminal-919150

And this is everyone’s favorite kung fu movie: Clan of the White Lotus:

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0080905/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

* (He would be right about the "Gibson out" part.)

Vegan Restaurant “Grease” Theme Song Ad (Proposed)

In an ad for a vegan restaurant, we see someone eating a greasy burger and being disgusted by the grease in it as we hear the theme song from Grease, with new words to the chorus that sing:

I saw my food and now I see the light,

We’ve got a lovin’ thing,

We’ve got to feed it right,

There ain’t no doubt that we have gone too far,

We start believin’ now, and we can be who we are,

Grease is the word.

They think our livestock does not know the pain,

Why don’t they understand,

It’s just a cry in shame,

Their meat is lyin’ on the squealin’ wheel,

We stop the lie right now and we could be how we feel,

Grease is the word.

Grease is the word, it’s the word, that you chewed,

It goes ooze from the meat yeah, (Ah, ah, meat, yeah!)

Grease is the slime, on the plate, in your mouth yeah,

And greasy’s the way you are feeling.

Here’s the original song, by Barry Gibb of the Bee Gees, and performed by Frankie Valli:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYJgOt0RQfQ

(Maybe I went overboard on the shame part in some of it, but the chorus part could make a fun ad song for some healthy fast food sandwich that’s not made of greasy meat. I’m not vegan, but I get lost in the fun of this making new lyrics stuff, so maybe I got carried away. But I guarantee vegans feel this way for the most part, from what I have seen. Not that there’s anything wrong with that…)

Not sure if the idea of using this song for such a purpose has been done before, but some of the chorus lyrics are mine from my early high school days, so…

Valium Aly Raisman’s Parents Joke Ad

(I almost hate to write this one, because I love Aly Raisman and her parents so much, but when I see her parents in the stands squirming so much, I can’t help but think of it.)

We see Aly Raisman’s parents squirming in their seats as she competes in the Olympics. Then the announcer says: “When you’re competing in the Olympic Games, it’s nerve-wracking for your parents. That’s why there’s Valuim. Valium calms them down, so they can be happy about your achievements.” Then we see the after version of Aly’s parents on Valium, and they’re just relaxed and watching, giggling. And when their daughter wins a medal, they look at leach other, try to high five, miss, and fall back in their chairs laughing.