Um, I'm not sure that marketing Arby's Market Fresh pecan chicken salad sandwiches with the promise that sentient disembodied hands or other dissected body parts will spontaneously appear and try to grab you is the best way to go here, but maybe they know something I don't. Perhaps they did a market research poll, and they found that when asked to associate chicken salad sandwiches with what experience they want most, the vast majority of people said they wanted to get chased around by disembodied body parts. It's odd, but maybe just by chance, they happened upon all of the biggest fans of movies like The Beast with Five Fingers, The Hand, Doctor Terror's House of Horrors, Evil Dead II, and other disembodied-hand horror movies. Or maybe they only polled the Addams Family "Thing" Fan Club by accident. Hey: it could happen! Stuff like this probably happens all the time, and that's why focus groups and polls so often ruin the movies and ads they critique. You never know.
But you know, maybe this commercial is simply being honest. Well, about the fact that Arby's chicken salad sandwiches are made exclusively by disembodied hands, anyway. (That part about the hand that made the sandwich spontaneously appearing inside the guy's Arby's bag when he says he'd like to shake that hand is a little bit exaggerated and unlikely, and consequently seems somewhat unrealistic and unbelievable, frankly. And this spoils the whole mood of realism they sought so hard to create using that cinema verite style they're employing here, don't you think?) They've probably found out that there is no minimum wage laws for disembodied hands and feet and such, so they're using them to save money on labor costs, I'll bet. Plus, since these body parts cannot speak, they can hardly complain of how they are taken advantage of. (I suppose they could write a letter of complaint, but who bothers to read stuff like that from severed hands anyway?) And additionally, it is probably the case that these hands are given independent life through the use of black magic and voodoo or the like, and as such, they are probably simply following the commands of whatever powerful magician or shaman is directing their actions anyway, and so they do not have a will of their own per-se. And when you think about it, that's just common sense.
What would have been cool is if he had seen the hand, and decided to eat it. Then Arby's could use this as an ad for a zombie-themed fast food meal, like that "Zombie Meal" I proposed before for McDonald's to tie-in with zombie horror movies like Dawn of the Dead or Zombieland. They could make the hands out of the same molded stuff like the McDonald's McRib, and call it a "hand-burger". And with lots of ketchup and red barbecue sauce, it would look just like blood! (Yum, yum!) Or maybe they could just start selling real severed hands (!). That would at least get them a lot of promotional attention, if mostly perhaps from the FBI and such.
Now, I have to admit: this ad gets your attention with the hand in the bag and all. It's just that I'm not so sure this severed hand thing is right for an ad about food. It makes you sit up and take notice (at least for the first time you see it), but for all the wrong reasons, as it makes you think about severed hands, and then perhaps what it might be like to eat one, or to be attacked by one. And since they're selling a chicken salad sandwich, I'd think maybe they'd want us to think more about that. And this whole disembodied hand motif really has nothing to do with the product: they're saying the sandwich is made by hand, and the guy wants to shake the hand (one hand?) that made the sandwich, but do they really want us to think their sandwiches are made by severed hands? That's what it looks like here, people! And I'm sorry to have to say this, but the idea of severed hands is not all that appetizing.
Here's the handy spot:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G6p8gY7StLc
And here's that earlier post about the McDonald's "Zombie Meal":
http://unconditionedresponse.blogspot.com/2011/03/more-movie-tie-ins-that-should-have.html
Friday, May 4, 2012
Orbit Breakfast Burrito Ad
Some guy riding on a train is eating some omelet or breakfast burrito, and then some very pretty girl sits down near him, so he drops his omelet into the bag at his feet, and tries to act all sexy and macho (or whatever), but his plans are foiled when it turns out the omelet has the power to morph itself into a person-sized humanoid Breakfast Burrito Monster, and it then gets revenge for being bitten and thrown away by eating the guy right in front of his dream girl (!!). And, naturally, since she's so hungry from starving herself to maintain her svelte figure (due to dangerous body-image propaganda in the media), once that burrito-monster takes a bite, she can't resist the temptation to take a bite herself, and once she's actually tasted human flesh, she becomes a ravenous cannibal! And then she and the breakfast burrito-monster find that they have more in common than they originally thought, and they become uncontrollably attracted to one another, fall in love, become lovers, get married, and have a whole litter of burrito-monster/human-hybrid children. And wouldn't you know it, but at school, all the other kids take one bite out of them, and then when cute girls appear, they drop these poor monstrous children into a paper bag and ignore them as though they had never even existed! (Oh, the semi-humanity!)
Okay, that doesn't actually happen. But I heard that was the original script for this commercial, and it was mangled, mutilated, bowdlerized and castrated by focus groups! So now who will speak for the half-burrito/half-human children? I ask you: why must they be the victims in all of this? For they are the only truly innocent individuals in this entire scenario! Yet they must be elbowed out of view just because people don't like the ugly truth of man's inhumanity to burrito-monsters!
Actually, that didn't happen either. I must be being possessed by a politician or something, because I'm expounding so much poppycock and so many falsehoods tonight! The truth is, when I first saw this ad this evening, when the guy dropped the breakfast burrito into the bag, I thought it was because he didn't want to have to share it with this girl. And then I thought perhaps he would sneak it into the bathroom with him to finish eating it, while he sat on the toilet pretending to go to the bathroom, but that his bringing a paper bag into the restroom with him looked odd and sufficiently suspicious as to intrigue the secret NSA warriors and rail marshals and alert them to a possible terrorist attack, and they battered the door in and caught him in the act of eating a burrito on the toilet, which looked so strange they thought he was ingesting explosives, and the girl he selfishly refused to offer any of his breakfast burrito to was so insulted and incensed by this whole affair (being very pretty, and as such she was used to everyone bending over backwards to flatter her and offering to give her anything they had in the hopes she would consent to go out on a date with them later, which she would do, but then she would later stand them up and tell everyone how she dumped "that loser", causing them to lose all self-respect and commit suicide), that she told the government agents that she heard him talking to a terrorist mastermind on his cell-phone, and that she heard him say he was going to eat PETN inside of a breakfast burrito, and so he gets his stomach pumped, gets a forced enema and colonoscopy, and spends the rest of his days in Guantanamo Bay prison. But that didn't even happen either!
So what does happen is that this guy must have had his breakfast burrito spiked with angel dust or LSD or perhaps even peyote, because after he drops it into the bag, he hallucinates a giant breakfast burrito monster that commands him to kill the girl, which he does (off screen, after the end of this scene; or at least, that's what I heard happened!). And all because he didn't get an Orbit Gum burrito: the only brand of breakfast burrito that won't force you to hallucinate and kill people on commuter rail lines!
Oh, but after this dangerous hallucination appears (which is especially dangerous because this girl also sees this hallucination, so it's like a mass-hysteria-type situation, like in The Happening or something!), and then they hallucinate that the Orbit spokesbabe appears and says: "Don't let food hang around!" (Oh, great! Now, thanks to Orbit, we're going to have lots of homeless food living on the streets and bumming change from everyone! Thanks, Orbit!) But I really feel I must point out that the food was hanging around in the bag right in front of the guy anyway, so until he gets up and throws it away, the food is going to hang around anyway, no matter how much gum he chews, or how many things he hallucinates. Besides, she might have other gross stuff appear too, so why not simply assume she's got bad breath too, and not worry about it? And additionally, she's sitting far enough away to not smell his breath much anyway, so why worry about it? Plus, if he just got a spearmint-gel-toothpaste burrito, his breath would be minty-fresh, and he'd avoid going hungry. And, it's gross enough that she wouldn't want any anyway, and it would make his breath fresher and fresher with every bite, so surely he'd want to eat the whole thing, right? (And that way there would be no senseless food waste!)
Plus, doesn't this whole "don't let food hang around" sound rather like a slogan encouraging bulimia or something? Because doesn't food hang around in your stomach after you eat it? So then they must be recommending we all binge and purge and then chew their gum to cover up our vomit-breath, right? I mean, what else could it possibly mean? And the Orbit spokesbabe is shown dragging this nice, friendly breakfast burrito away bodily down the aisle of the train car, after which she will most certainly toss it off the train in a ruthless murderous frenzy! And if that's not an intentional metaphor for bulimia, I don't know what is!
Here's this very silly spot:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6uVKQnbzv2o
Okay, this is all a ridiculously stupid joke all around, but this Orbit ad campaign seems a bit mean-spirited to me. Everyone is always being a jerk to each other in these ads, even showing this guy turning against his own kind-hearted breakfast in a vicious act of betrayal, and even after this burrito-hallucination did its best to say what a nice guy this guy is, and all to try to help hook him up with this girl! Some gratitude, let me tell you! And after all this, this guy gets all snuggly with this girl, while the poor burrito gets hurled off the train to its death! But this jerk gets his comeuppance: for this girl is the younger sister of a Mafia hit-man, and when he sees this guy putting the moves on his sister, he goes absolutely berserk and slays this schmuck on the spot! And then it turns out that this girl only cuddled up to this jerk because she knew her brother would lose it and kill him, and she loves to see people horribly murdered in front of her! Oh, the humanity! Well, if only this guy had appreciated his breakfast burrito and treated it like the friend it truly was, he would have saved himself from this violent victimization of an untimely demise! Well, it's his own fault! And let that be a lesson to you, too: food is your friend, and any woman who would try to make you go without it is not worth your time or your burrito, be it breakfast or otherwise!
Okay, that doesn't actually happen. But I heard that was the original script for this commercial, and it was mangled, mutilated, bowdlerized and castrated by focus groups! So now who will speak for the half-burrito/half-human children? I ask you: why must they be the victims in all of this? For they are the only truly innocent individuals in this entire scenario! Yet they must be elbowed out of view just because people don't like the ugly truth of man's inhumanity to burrito-monsters!
Actually, that didn't happen either. I must be being possessed by a politician or something, because I'm expounding so much poppycock and so many falsehoods tonight! The truth is, when I first saw this ad this evening, when the guy dropped the breakfast burrito into the bag, I thought it was because he didn't want to have to share it with this girl. And then I thought perhaps he would sneak it into the bathroom with him to finish eating it, while he sat on the toilet pretending to go to the bathroom, but that his bringing a paper bag into the restroom with him looked odd and sufficiently suspicious as to intrigue the secret NSA warriors and rail marshals and alert them to a possible terrorist attack, and they battered the door in and caught him in the act of eating a burrito on the toilet, which looked so strange they thought he was ingesting explosives, and the girl he selfishly refused to offer any of his breakfast burrito to was so insulted and incensed by this whole affair (being very pretty, and as such she was used to everyone bending over backwards to flatter her and offering to give her anything they had in the hopes she would consent to go out on a date with them later, which she would do, but then she would later stand them up and tell everyone how she dumped "that loser", causing them to lose all self-respect and commit suicide), that she told the government agents that she heard him talking to a terrorist mastermind on his cell-phone, and that she heard him say he was going to eat PETN inside of a breakfast burrito, and so he gets his stomach pumped, gets a forced enema and colonoscopy, and spends the rest of his days in Guantanamo Bay prison. But that didn't even happen either!
So what does happen is that this guy must have had his breakfast burrito spiked with angel dust or LSD or perhaps even peyote, because after he drops it into the bag, he hallucinates a giant breakfast burrito monster that commands him to kill the girl, which he does (off screen, after the end of this scene; or at least, that's what I heard happened!). And all because he didn't get an Orbit Gum burrito: the only brand of breakfast burrito that won't force you to hallucinate and kill people on commuter rail lines!
Oh, but after this dangerous hallucination appears (which is especially dangerous because this girl also sees this hallucination, so it's like a mass-hysteria-type situation, like in The Happening or something!), and then they hallucinate that the Orbit spokesbabe appears and says: "Don't let food hang around!" (Oh, great! Now, thanks to Orbit, we're going to have lots of homeless food living on the streets and bumming change from everyone! Thanks, Orbit!) But I really feel I must point out that the food was hanging around in the bag right in front of the guy anyway, so until he gets up and throws it away, the food is going to hang around anyway, no matter how much gum he chews, or how many things he hallucinates. Besides, she might have other gross stuff appear too, so why not simply assume she's got bad breath too, and not worry about it? And additionally, she's sitting far enough away to not smell his breath much anyway, so why worry about it? Plus, if he just got a spearmint-gel-toothpaste burrito, his breath would be minty-fresh, and he'd avoid going hungry. And, it's gross enough that she wouldn't want any anyway, and it would make his breath fresher and fresher with every bite, so surely he'd want to eat the whole thing, right? (And that way there would be no senseless food waste!)
Plus, doesn't this whole "don't let food hang around" sound rather like a slogan encouraging bulimia or something? Because doesn't food hang around in your stomach after you eat it? So then they must be recommending we all binge and purge and then chew their gum to cover up our vomit-breath, right? I mean, what else could it possibly mean? And the Orbit spokesbabe is shown dragging this nice, friendly breakfast burrito away bodily down the aisle of the train car, after which she will most certainly toss it off the train in a ruthless murderous frenzy! And if that's not an intentional metaphor for bulimia, I don't know what is!
Here's this very silly spot:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6uVKQnbzv2o
Okay, this is all a ridiculously stupid joke all around, but this Orbit ad campaign seems a bit mean-spirited to me. Everyone is always being a jerk to each other in these ads, even showing this guy turning against his own kind-hearted breakfast in a vicious act of betrayal, and even after this burrito-hallucination did its best to say what a nice guy this guy is, and all to try to help hook him up with this girl! Some gratitude, let me tell you! And after all this, this guy gets all snuggly with this girl, while the poor burrito gets hurled off the train to its death! But this jerk gets his comeuppance: for this girl is the younger sister of a Mafia hit-man, and when he sees this guy putting the moves on his sister, he goes absolutely berserk and slays this schmuck on the spot! And then it turns out that this girl only cuddled up to this jerk because she knew her brother would lose it and kill him, and she loves to see people horribly murdered in front of her! Oh, the humanity! Well, if only this guy had appreciated his breakfast burrito and treated it like the friend it truly was, he would have saved himself from this violent victimization of an untimely demise! Well, it's his own fault! And let that be a lesson to you, too: food is your friend, and any woman who would try to make you go without it is not worth your time or your burrito, be it breakfast or otherwise!
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Hertz Zap Technology Ad
Okay, here again we have a commercial demonstrating how Hertz has developed a groundbreaking technology that could revolutionize the way all of us live, but they're just wasting it on their car rental service. What myopic technology hoarders! Before they showed us how they have the technology to transform slackers into business professionals, and rather than offer this service to disappointed parents, they're just using it to advertise their car rental business. And now they're showing us how they have just developed transporter technology like from Star Trek, yet again, they are only using this great technological leap forward as a method for advertising their car rental business! How lame can you get?
Humanity needs this technology to move into the future, but Hertz is hogging it all for themselves, and they're not even using it for any groundbreaking futuristic purpose, like starting an instant transportation service to cut down on travel times! How can they keep this miracle of modern science from us? Or could it be that the movie The Fly was actually a documentary of what really happened when Hertz first developed this technology, and they're merely trying to spare us all such a grisly, horrific fate? If so, then they're heroes; but then why make our mouths water over this science fiction technology? Are they trying to get more volunteer human guinea pigs to continue their research? That must be it, those mad scientists! And renting cars is only how they fund their horribly unethical research! I knew it!
Well, shame on those guys for turning Jeff Goldblum into a fly! (And shame on Jeff Goldblum for trying to hog all the credit for this technology when Hertz actually developed it! Serves him right to have been turned into a fly! And Hertz must have done it on purpose to get revenge for Jeff stealing credit for this transportation technology! {Oh, the humanity.}) (<Actually, this is just a joke. Hertz did not turn Jeff Goldblum into a fly. Hertz only turned that guy in the 1950s Vincent Price version of The Fly into a fly. And I don't know for sure, but I heard they did it because he worked for Avis.)
Or did Hertz perhaps steal this transporter technology from Enterprise Rent-A-Car? (They have a Star Trek-sounding name, so maybe they have the transporter technology? I wrote a prospective ad campaign for Enterprise Rent-A-Car recently using a Star Trek tie-in, since it's called "Enterprise".*) Talk about corporate espionage!
But you know what's most terrifying about this ad's scenario? It doesn't even look like these rental car drivers are being transported by choice, does it? Doesn't it look rather like they are being abducted by aliens? So this makes it look like Hertz is conspiring with aliens to abduct humans from cars, doesn't it? And upon further reflection, this commercial doesn't specify that these drivers are Hertz customers, right? So maybe what they're showing us, but making us read-between-the-lines so they can deny it if they get caught, is that they are teaming up with aliens to abduct people who rent cars from other car rental companies! (Horror movie music stab, please!) So if you don't want to get abducted, get dissected, and get the anal probe, you'd better rent your cars from Hertz! Otherwise... (BTW: Is that by any chance Xenu abducting these drivers? I only ask because it looks like a jet plane is abducting them, and Xenu's spaceships I hear-tell look like jet planes.)
Here's this transportational ad:
* And here is a link to my Star Trek Enterprise Rent-A-Car ad idea:
Werther's Original Caramel Ad
Awwww! They have the cutest little girl walking all around a candy shop, eyeing all the yummy candy and looking like she's in heaven, and then a guy behind the counter in a chef's hat (I think) gives her a little piece of candy, and it's a Werther's Original, and she puts it in her mouth and smiles, and then she turns into an adult young woman, and she says it makes her feel like a special person, or some such thing, whenever she eats a Werther's Original caramel candy. Wow, this ad is so heart-meltingly sweet! The little girl looks like an angel, and then the adult version of her really does look like the same person, but as an adult, and she's gorgeous, and the whole scenario is bathed in a soft golden light, and it just feels so sweet (which is very appropriate for a candy commercial) and warm! So this is a great ad, except for one thing.
Hey, the government has been telling us for the past few years how candy is so bad for us, so we can all tell this commercial is shameless propaganda aimed at victimizing our children! They're trying to addict them to sugar with these devilishly tempting ads, and they'll all become obese and die of diabetes! So sayeth the Democratic party! So buy their sweets, if you must, but know this: humanity will be destroyed by the sickening sweetness of corruption from candy, and you're contributing to the problem when you let your children enjoy the sinfulness that is candy! Shame on you, you child-abuser!
Actually, I completely disagree with the government and the health nuts on this stuff. I say: everything in moderation! Candy is sweet, and as such it can make life sweet too. It can be a reward for doing homework, or performing well in school, or after a doctor visit, etc. Just don't let kids stuff their faces with it all the time. The so-called obesity epidemic is not caused by junk food, or candy, or McDonald's: we had all the same stuff when I was a kid, and I ate plenty of all of that, and so did all of my friends and classmates, and we weren't fat at all! (There was like maybe one fat kid in every class, but they were just genetically inclined to be heavier kids: that's all.) The difference is, we had something kids today don't have: exercise! There were no video games yet (at least, not any good ones for home use yet), and there was no "stranger danger", so we all ran around outdoors unsupervised. We climbed trees, played games, and were running around racing each other constantly. Plus, we had something at school that has since become extinct called: "Phys. Ed.", which was where we played sports-style games and got lots of exercise then, just in case we weren't getting enough on our own time. Kids today don't get any exercise, and that's why there is an obesity epidemic. Do a study with kids that run around a lot and play sports at school vs. kids who sit around and watch TV and play computer games all day long: feed them the same exact food, and then see what they look like after one year. If I'm wrong, I'll eat a tofu hat (even a 10-gallon tofu cowboy hat that's filled with bean sprouts)!
This is not the ad I'm talking about, but it's almost identical. This one was made for English audiences, and this was obviously the inspiration for the one I just saw on American TV. But this American one had just the exactly perfect casting of the little girl and her adult version to make my heart melt and give me cute overload. And I'll bet I'm but one out of everyone who feels this way after seeing this commercial. It's really wonderful!:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VdALvpWkbg0
It's funny, because I wrote a piece about an Almond Joy ad, where I suggested using candy as a way to bring back feelings of childhood to an adult, and that I thought that would be a good strategy to try to advertise candy to adults with. And I hadn't seen this ad, and I doubt they read my post, either. But this ad uses this same strategy, only it really just tacks it on at the end after a wonderfully nostalgic and emotional scene with the girl in the candy store, so it's doubly effective. Anyway, here's the post I'm talking about (this point is made in the third paragraph):
http://unconditionedresponse.blogspot.com/2011/08/almond-joy-unwrap-paradise-ad.html
Hey, the government has been telling us for the past few years how candy is so bad for us, so we can all tell this commercial is shameless propaganda aimed at victimizing our children! They're trying to addict them to sugar with these devilishly tempting ads, and they'll all become obese and die of diabetes! So sayeth the Democratic party! So buy their sweets, if you must, but know this: humanity will be destroyed by the sickening sweetness of corruption from candy, and you're contributing to the problem when you let your children enjoy the sinfulness that is candy! Shame on you, you child-abuser!
Actually, I completely disagree with the government and the health nuts on this stuff. I say: everything in moderation! Candy is sweet, and as such it can make life sweet too. It can be a reward for doing homework, or performing well in school, or after a doctor visit, etc. Just don't let kids stuff their faces with it all the time. The so-called obesity epidemic is not caused by junk food, or candy, or McDonald's: we had all the same stuff when I was a kid, and I ate plenty of all of that, and so did all of my friends and classmates, and we weren't fat at all! (There was like maybe one fat kid in every class, but they were just genetically inclined to be heavier kids: that's all.) The difference is, we had something kids today don't have: exercise! There were no video games yet (at least, not any good ones for home use yet), and there was no "stranger danger", so we all ran around outdoors unsupervised. We climbed trees, played games, and were running around racing each other constantly. Plus, we had something at school that has since become extinct called: "Phys. Ed.", which was where we played sports-style games and got lots of exercise then, just in case we weren't getting enough on our own time. Kids today don't get any exercise, and that's why there is an obesity epidemic. Do a study with kids that run around a lot and play sports at school vs. kids who sit around and watch TV and play computer games all day long: feed them the same exact food, and then see what they look like after one year. If I'm wrong, I'll eat a tofu hat (even a 10-gallon tofu cowboy hat that's filled with bean sprouts)!
This is not the ad I'm talking about, but it's almost identical. This one was made for English audiences, and this was obviously the inspiration for the one I just saw on American TV. But this American one had just the exactly perfect casting of the little girl and her adult version to make my heart melt and give me cute overload. And I'll bet I'm but one out of everyone who feels this way after seeing this commercial. It's really wonderful!:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VdALvpWkbg0
It's funny, because I wrote a piece about an Almond Joy ad, where I suggested using candy as a way to bring back feelings of childhood to an adult, and that I thought that would be a good strategy to try to advertise candy to adults with. And I hadn't seen this ad, and I doubt they read my post, either. But this ad uses this same strategy, only it really just tacks it on at the end after a wonderfully nostalgic and emotional scene with the girl in the candy store, so it's doubly effective. Anyway, here's the post I'm talking about (this point is made in the third paragraph):
http://unconditionedresponse.blogspot.com/2011/08/almond-joy-unwrap-paradise-ad.html
Green Lantern Ring Limits
In the movie Green Lantern, when Ryan Reynolds goes to the alien planet to get some explanations and training, he is told of the ring's limitations: "The ring's limits are only what you can imagine." He doesn't question this concept, but I do. What if you've got a really active imagination, and you can imagine all kinds of limitations: does that make the ring powerless? And what if you don't have a lot of imagination: does that make the ring all-powerful? So then it follows, doesn't it, that the best candidates to be Green Lanterns would be really thick-skulled, unimaginative meat-heads, so the ring would be all-powerful? Oh, but the great strength of this whole system is that the ring can make anything you imagine into reality, right? So then it would work the best for people with really powerful imaginations. But apparently, that's its only weakness as well. This doesn't make a whole lot of sense. But maybe that's because I have too active of an imagination. (Or maybe what they mean is that the wearer of the Green Lantern ring must focus their imagination on making the ring powerful, and not on imagining limitations that would undermine its powers, so it would be like a self-confidence thing: That might make sense. But that's not what they say.)
Maybe what they mean is that the ring is only limited by the limits of your own imagination, and how the limits of your imagination limit how you use the ring's powers. But then they should have said that. Because what they do say sounds more like they mean that the ring's limits are only what limits you imagine it has. See what I mean? It's just that the way they choose to phrase this exposition is extremely confusing, and it makes it easy to read it as saying something other than what they mean. In fact, I'm just assuming they mean its powers are only bound by the creativity its user's imagination employs to use to ring. But it really sounds like its limits are actively created by one's imagination, as if the limits were created by self-doubt, or paranoia, or subconscious fear, and that's not the same thing at all.
Maybe what they mean is that the ring is only limited by the limits of your own imagination, and how the limits of your imagination limit how you use the ring's powers. But then they should have said that. Because what they do say sounds more like they mean that the ring's limits are only what limits you imagine it has. See what I mean? It's just that the way they choose to phrase this exposition is extremely confusing, and it makes it easy to read it as saying something other than what they mean. In fact, I'm just assuming they mean its powers are only bound by the creativity its user's imagination employs to use to ring. But it really sounds like its limits are actively created by one's imagination, as if the limits were created by self-doubt, or paranoia, or subconscious fear, and that's not the same thing at all.
Purity Ring Slogan
We've been hearing about so-called "purity rings" for the past few years: they're the silver rings that conservative Christian teens wear to symbolize their promise to wait for sex until marriage. It seems this trend is losing steam, and in order to get it back, they really need a good advertising campaign. So I have a suggested slogan that might help these purity rings fly off the shelves (as opposed to flying off teens' fingers), and here it is: "Purity Rings: The f*ck stops here!" Surely this slogan will end the scourge of teen sex once and for all!
This is what a purity ring is, for those who are unfamiliar with this phenomenon:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Purity_ring
This is what a purity ring is, for those who are unfamiliar with this phenomenon:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Purity_ring
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Crest Whitestrips: Other Colors?
As we all know, Crest makes a product called Crest Whitestrips, and they are little plastic strips with teeth-whiteners on them, and that helps people to get a 100% ISO smile, with a 500,000 lux of perceived brightness. But what if you wanted some other effect? Could Crest make that for you too? A friend of mine has some theatrical makeup thingy called "Theatrical Black Tooth", where you paint it onto your tooth or teeth to make it look like you are missing teeth. But this must be bad for your teeth, right? So can Crest devise a way of making this type of thing that would be good for your teeth, and perhaps even treat one's teeth with fluoride while wearing it? I think they owe it to us to make such a thing!
Just imagine it: Crest could make all kinds of teeth effects, and all in a manner which is good for our teeth! We could get Crest Blackstrips for the black tooth look, maybe Crest Brownstrips for that rotten-teeth look, Crest Yellowstrips for that nicotine-stained look of a pack-a-day filterless cigarette smoker, or perhaps even Crest Glowstrips for people who want glow-in-the-dark teeth (!). It would be awesome! Plus, it would be good for your teeth: just like having your teeth treated with some enamel-strengthening stuff at the dentist! And, once you're done with the effect you wanted to achieve, like for a character in a play, or simply a Halloween or masquerade ball costume, you can just use Crest Whitestrips, and it will remove all the stains and give you back your high-beam-intensity smile again!
That's Crest Blackstrips/Brownstrips/Yellowstrips/Glowstrips: ask for them by name at your local dental costume shop! Or maybe people will want to dye their teeth just like they dye their hair? That's probably the next hot fashion trend! So then they could offer Crest Redstrips, Crest Greenstrips, Crest Bluestrips, Crest Purplestrips, etc. It would be great! Hey, maybe even Crest Goldstrips: you can get a grille temporarily, and then simply bleach it off when you outgrow it! And it would cost pennies on the thousand dollar of traditional gold grilles! See? It's genius! Then they could make like tooth tattoos next, so you could get a diamond graphic printed on your teeth, and you wouldn't have to pay for real diamonds! Then even little kids could afford it, and it wouldn't even be permanent! Or you could get your favorite sports team's logo printed on your teeth!
Or, hey, if single colors are too boring and staid for your tastes, then how about Crest Tartanstrips, Crest Plaidstrips, Crest Stripestrips, Crest Polka-Dotstrips, Crest Fractal-Geometrystrips, Crest Tie-Dyestrips, Crest Op-Artstrips, Crest Lenticularstrips, etc. It's limitless how you can express the inner you with Crest Uniquestrips personality-enhancing tooth colorings! You're uniquely individual under the skin, so why not be unique over your tooth enamel too? If you think a smile says a lot about a person now, just wait until that smile's been "Crestified"!
That's Crest Uniquestrips: It's like graffiti for your teeth!
Or, hey, if single colors are too boring and staid for your tastes, then how about Crest Tartanstrips, Crest Plaidstrips, Crest Stripestrips, Crest Polka-Dotstrips, Crest Fractal-Geometrystrips, Crest Tie-Dyestrips, Crest Op-Artstrips, Crest Lenticularstrips, etc. It's limitless how you can express the inner you with Crest Uniquestrips personality-enhancing tooth colorings! You're uniquely individual under the skin, so why not be unique over your tooth enamel too? If you think a smile says a lot about a person now, just wait until that smile's been "Crestified"!
That's Crest Uniquestrips: It's like graffiti for your teeth!
This is actually a joke, but I'll bet it would sell really well, or at least the brightly-colored ones might.
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