Wednesday, November 15, 2017

The Weinstein Company Joke Ad Headline

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Tax Plan Song

(To the Tune of: “Taxman” by George Harrison)

Let me tell you how it will be, (Tax plan!)
More money for big companies, (Tax plan!)
‘Cause I’m the tax plan,
Yeah, I’m Trump’s tax plan.

If your tax rate appears too big, (Tax plan!)
It should because the system’s rigged, (Tax plan!)
‘Cause I’m the tax plan,
Yeah, I’m Trump’s tax plan.

If it’s smooth sailing, I’ll tax your boat,
If it’s sink or swim, I’ll tax your float,
If you storm my gates, I’ll tax the moat,
If you want me out, I’ll tax the vote,

Tax plan!
‘Cause I’m the tax plan,
Yeah, I’m Trump’s tax plan.

Why such complaints from you the poor? (Tax plan!)
Why not stash your cash too offshore? (Tax plan!)
‘Cause I’m the tax plan,
Yeah, I’m Trump’s tax plan.

More burden for the middle class, (Tax plan!)
The poor will take it up the ass, (Tax plan!)
‘Cause I’m Trumps’ tax plan,
Yeah, I’m Trump’s tax pla-an.

Work all you like I’ll keep your money.
Tax plan!

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Feline Febreze

We all know that cat litter box odor can make your house, and Febreze helps eliminate such odors. But does your house smell bad to your cat? If so, then use the new Feline Febreze air fresheners, with scents cats really love, like:

Smelly Shoe Scent
Festering Fish Fragrance
Canned Cat Cuisine
Murdered Mouse Memories
Putrid Pussycat Perfume
Adolescent Animal Aroma
Soiled Sock Smell
Sexy Spray Stink
Blossoming Butt Bouquet

(Yes, the names all have to be alliterations or cats won't like them.)

Travel Website Ramones Ad Song?

I’m a big fan of the Ramones, and I cannot help but notice that while their music is commonly used in ads these days, it’s almost always one song: “Blitzkrieg Bop”, and nothing else. I’ve seen one ad where: “California Sun” was used (a song that was written by Henry Glover that the Ramones played as a cover), but that’s the only other song I can think of played by the Ramones I’ve seen in a TV spot. Maybe there should be more of their songs in ads, perhaps with plays on their lyrics to send a specific message relating to the product or service being advertised?

Here’s a possible reworking of the Ramones song: “We’re a Happy Family”, with the lyrics altered to reflect the current and common issue of everyone using their cell phones constantly, even when eating meals together at home. (My teenage niece says she sometimes has to confiscate her parents’ iPhones at the breakfast table or during dinner.)

Sitting all alone,
Playing with our phones,
Reading lots & lotsa tweets,
Life is really, really sweet.

We got no real friends,
Just messages to send,
No parties to attend,
Nowhere we’ve been.

While this song is playing, we’d see a family of four: mother, father, son and daughter, and they’re sitting at the dinner table, and rather than having conversations or visiting with each other, they’re all on their smartphones just looking at messages or watching videos or playing video games, etc. And then the announcer says maybe we should consider putting down our smartphones and actually living in the real world and going on a trip somewhere.

Here is the Ramones’ song: “We’re a Happy Family” I am referring to here:

YouTube World Series Ad

I wanted to hear the great Motörhead song about the Ramones (which I own on cd, but I don’t feel like digging it out of a huge box of cds right now) called: “R.A.M.O.N.E.S.”, and so I looked it up on YouTube, but when I clicked on the video I wanted, there was a very brief ad showing the YouTube logo of the red rounded rectangle with the little white arrow in it, and it said something like: “YouTube Films presents…” And then there was this extremely loud noise, which was three times as loud (at least) as the video I was about to watch/listen to; so loud it really hurt my hears and made me have to rip off my headphones for fear of hearing damage: a very high-pitched noise which I guess is their audio signature (corporate musical theme), like Intel has one for their ads, and National Geographic had one for their TV specials, and T-Mobile has one for their ads, and Duracell has one for their ads: you get the idea; you’ve all heard them before countless times. The ad was pretty short, like maybe three seconds, but it was quite jarring, and I still have a headache from it, I am not kidding.

This must be something like the “sonic attacks” in Cuba that have been reported in the news as victimizing American diplomats and some American tourists; because, ouch, it really hurt. It hurt so much I went to the trouble to write about it.

If this is not what the Cubans use to attack Americans visiting their country, maybe they should consider using it. That way they could make the claim that they merely innocently searched for and clicked on a video on YouTube, and this really short video ad appeared before the video that was really loud, but also way too short to react quickly enough to turn it off before it blared weaponized audio frequencies for all unsuspecting people in the vicinity to hear, and it would seem legitimate. If they said that, I would believe them after my experience tonight.

Aside from the amazingly ear-splitting volume overkill I experienced this evening, the musical theme is I guess not that bad. It’s not really good either, and it’s in a frequency range that tends to be annoying to the listener in and of itself, but I’ve heard worse. But I love YouTube, and I honestly think they deserve better than this. And them playing it ridiculously loud does not make me change my mind about that, although I will be sure to remember it to the extent that I’ll never forget it, but it’s not for the reasons they might have been hoping for. My advice would be for them to make a different one that’s better, but failing that, I hope they’ll consider not assaulting their consumers’ ears with such a deafening volume level in future ads of this nature. I appreciate the brevity of the spot, which was only around three seconds, and about YouTube’s special coverage of the World Series. High frequencies are the worst for blaring at ear-splitting volume levels, don’t you know: they’re the most destructive for things like hearing loss and tinnitus. And this is coming from a Motörhead and Ramones fan. When someone like me says it’s too loud and it hurts my ears, you know it really is too loud.

Here are some of the sound logos, or audio themes, I mentioned above for Intel, T Mobile, and National Geographic, respectively:

And here’s a great selection of various corporate identity musical themes for people who are interested in such things (like me):

Joke Demonic Horror Film

In this demonic horror film, a demon transforms into a beautiful woman to tempt a pious priest into lust and sin, never letting up on the poor priest in a merciless attempt at carnal seduction, and then drags the priest into hell when he gives in to the temptation and breaks his vow of celibacy. But once in hell together, the priest begins nagging the demon for sex, saying things like: “Come on! You got me all hot for you; you can’t just leave me like that. It’s bad for my health.” (And on and on: you know, all the stuff guys say to try to manipulate people into sleeping with them when they don’t want to.) And when the demon says: “I just did what I did to get your soul damned to hell; I’m not actually interested in you or attracted to you, so please leave me alone,” the priest says: “You know you want it!” (Etc.) And so the demon leaves hell to try to tempt other mortals into sin and damnation, but the priest keeps calling and harassing the demon for sex on the phone night and day. And so the demon goes to Satan, complaining about all the sexual harassment the clingy priest is subjecting it to, but Satan says: “You made your bed, and now you’re going to lie in it: with him!” And so now it’s the demon who is damned to an eternity of suffering, in bed with a horny priest. (Demons have to lose in these movies.)

(BTW: The early part of this piece was inspired by the movie The Unholy, a great silly demonic horror movie from 1988 starring Ben Cross, Hal Holbrook, Ned Beatty, and in one of his last (and possibly greatest) roles, Trevor Howard. (< No, really; he’s in it.)

Charitable Pie

On NPR today I heard some guy talking about raising money for something, and he said: “We’re all fighting for a slice of the same charitable pie.”

And I said to myself: “Charitable Pie? Hey, that reminds me of the song: ‘Cherry Pie’, by Warrant. Maybe they could sing about a charitable pie and it would sound less suggestive.”

Let’s see if it does:

She’s my charitable pie,
Her great big assets make my charities fly,
Her tax-free status makes a rich man cry,
My sweet charitable pie!

Donations in the mail, donations on the phone,
Donate it where you like and deduct it on tax forms,
Donations from the left, donations from the right,
Paying all the charities, funding them all night, yeah!

I scream, you scream, we all scream for her,
If you need funds then you can’t ignore her!

She’s my charitable pie,
Everyone gives her money and it's no surprise,
Her sweet deductions make the tax man cry,
Sweet charitable pie!

Oh, yeah! 

She’s my charitable pie,
Puts a smile on NPR’s face ten miles wide,
Funds so good brings a tear to your eye,
Sweet charitable pie!

Okay, I guess it’s still pretty suggestive. Oh well. And I thought charitable contributions were asexual.

This is “Cherry Pie” by Warrant, for those who haven’t heard it before: