Sunday, February 18, 2018

Olympics Women's Hockey Tampax Ad (Proposed)

We see well-known women's hockey players playing for the US and Canadian teams in stiff competition. A player shoots and scores, and the (female) announcer says: "Tampax won't let your period get in the way of your period."

(Tampax is owned by P&G, and P&G is an Olympics sponsor, so this would work well as an Olympic ad.)

Super G Skiing Song

(Based upon the song: "Super Freak" by Rick James)

She's a mega skiing girl,
The kind you'd love to take to Mammoth,
She will never let you beat her down,
Once you get her on her skis,
(Oh, girl!)

She fights the boys down the bend,
She says the climb up's not her favorite,
When she makes her move with you she gets the top time,
She's very hard to beat,
(Go, go!)

That girl is pretty wild now,
That girl does Super G,
The kind of girl you read about,
In skiing magazines,
Her style is super sleek yeah,
That girl does Super G,
I really love to race her,
Every time we meet!

Skis all right,
Skis all night,
That girl's alight with speed.
Yeah...

Hey hey, hey, hey...!

She does Super G, Super G,
She's super racing now,
Everybody sing,
Super G, Super G!

She's a competitive girl,
(The kind of girl who wants to win,)
From her head down to her toenails,
(Down to her skis, yeah!)
And she'll race you down the back way with her girlfriends,
On her little skis,
(Long and red and shiny.)

She screams so loud oh when she wins,
Since she's been four she has been skiing,
When she gets them she holds trophies by their handles,
It's such a thing to see!

That girl Ester Ledecka,
That girl does Super G,
The kind of girl you read about,
In snowboard magazines,
That girl Mikaela Shiffrin,
That girl does Super G,
I really like to face her,
Every time we ski!

Skis all right,
Skis all night,
That girl's alight with glee.
Yeah...

Hey hey, hey, hey...!

She does Super G, Super G,
She's super skiing now,

(Temptations sing!)
(Whoa!)

Super G, Super G,
That girl does Super G!
(Whoa!)

She's a mega skiing girl,
The kind you want to take to Mammoth,
She will always race you skiing down,
Once you get her on the slopes,
(Snow, daddy!)

(BTW: Apologies to people offended by the use of the word: "girl". I did not write the song this was based upon; only this homage to it and these great Olympic skiers. And I think this would make a good advertising song for one of these two in future competitions, or in product endorsements.)

And here it is, although it needs no introduction: "Super Freak", by Rick James:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QYHxGBH6o4M

Saturday, February 17, 2018

The Wolf Man Song

(Based upon the classic children's song: "This Old Man")

This Wolf Man, he had paws,
He killed this man with his claws,
With a bit neck, paddywhack,
Give a wolf a bone,
This Wolf Man came roaring home.

This Wolf Man, he went howl,
Then he ripped out this man's bowels,
With a bit neck, paddywhack,
Give a wolf a bone,
This Wolf Man came roaring home.

This Wolf Man, he went roar,
He killed this man on the floor,
With a bit neck, paddywhack,
Give a wolf a bone,
This Wolf Man came roaring home.

This Wolf Man, made you dead,
Then he ripped off this man's head,
With a bit neck, paddywhack,
Give a wolf a bone,
This Wolf Man came roaring home.

Have You Never Been Metal? (Joke Song)

(Based upon the song: "Have You Never Been Mellow" by Olivia Newton John)

Have you never been metal?
Have you never tried?
If you had, I think that you'd have died!

Joke Insurance "Acts of God" Ad

We see a heavy Metal band (like Slayer) arrive for band practice and plug in their guitars. The announcer says insurance companies do not cover "Acts of God". Then the band starts playing (some fast low 'E'-string thrash metal riff like something Slayer would have played on Reign in Blood or South of Heaven, or Seasons in the Abyss, and the singer asks, singing: "What about acts of... SATAN!...?" (Singing the name: "Satan" very loud and high-pitched like Tom Araya at the beginning of "Angel of Death", or like Bruce Dickinson from Iron Maiden on "The Number of the Beast".) And the announcer chimes in, saying insurance does not cover against Acts of Satan either, sorry. And the band stops playing and looks at the camera with a crestfallen look upon their faces.

This is "Angel of Death" by Slayer:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a_7TMeDTX_U

And this is "The Number of the Beast" by Iron Maiden:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-iRf9AWoyE

LensCrafters "Love Is Blind" Valentine's Day Ad (Proposed)

We see Cupid flying through the air in a romantic candlelit restaurant, bumping into things as he flies because he cannot see. Then the announcer chimes in, saying: "It is said that love is blind. Well, actually it's only legally blind. That's why so many of us fall for the wrong people." As the announcer says this, we see Cupid flying around the restaurant shooting his arrows of love at prospective amorous mates, but much of the time missing his intended target due to his vision impairment and instead hitting the wrong target, causing the wrong people to fall in love, creating much amour fou and incompatible couples in the process, causing much confusion and frustration in lovers and consternation amongst their friends and family members (and pre-in-laws to be). So LensCrafters gives Cupid some (new) glasses (or contact lenses), and from this point on he always shoots straight and hits his intended dead center each and every time. And the announcer says: "Let LensCrafters help you see the one you love in perfect focus this Valentine's Day!"

Friday, February 16, 2018

Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup "Canoodle" Valentine's Day Ad (Proposed)

We see a couple snuggling, canoodling even, on their couch by the fire at night on Valentine's Day. We see evidence of Valentine's Day cards and exchanged gifts, and two cups of Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup sit next to each other. Then the couple kisses, hugs, and sits up to partake of their soup. Giggling, they kiss again and then feed each other a spoonful of their soups (We see a close-up of the spoons with broth, chicken and noodles in the spoons, steaming), and the (superimposed) headline reads: "Canoodling." Then the (female) announcer says, amorously, that a couple of steaming bowls of Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup is the perfect can of noodles for loving couples to warm up and canoodle to on Valentine's Day.