Tuesday, April 17, 2018

Phillips’ Caplets “Potty Movin’” Joke Ad

This could never be done as a real advertisement because the Beastie Boys have decided their music would never be allowed to be used in ads. That’s kind of ironic that they would limit how people are permitted to use their music, since so much of their music is made out of samples of other people’s music, some of them quite long and the source unmistakeable, that they used, from what I understand, without prior permission. So it’s seems a little bit hypocritical to say the least that they would deny anyone the right to use their music in any way whatsoever. But surely in a case like this, where their song would be used to help sell laxatives, they would happily make an exception I’ll bet, don’t you think? No? Okay, well, this is just a joke ad anyway, and I’m pretty certain I’m allowed to parody one of their songs for a fake ad if I want to. And I want to, because it would make for a very silly, fun laxative commercial. (I think a fake joke ad should be fair use.)

So in this joke ad for Phillips’ Caplets, the Beastie Boys classic song: “Body Movin’” would have its title and lyrics altered slightly for the purpose of the commercial, and the title would be tastefully changed to: “Potty Movin’”. Now how could anyone take issue with a classy concept like that?

And so the lyrics would be altered for the joke laxative ad like so:

Potty movin’, potty movin’,
Ah, Potty movin’, we be potty movin’.
Potty movin’, potty movin’,
Potty movin’, we be potty movin’,

Potty movin’, potty movin’,
Ah, sit down and it feels so soothing,
Potty movin’, potty movin’,
We be sittin’ down trying to make a bowel movement,

Well, let me get some action, from the back section,
When you’re constipated feels like fecal impaction,
In the bathroom sit but don’t slip a disc,
Let your behind unwind just take a risk,
I’m hunkered on the toilet since the break of dawn,
Now tell me potty people, ain’t that so wrong?
The sh!t is dockin’, my inside’s lockin’,
It’s restockin’ instead of droppin’,
I swallow down some caplet action,
Get the biotic satisfaction,
All of ya’ll there in the stall,
Sit on the bowl, get involved with,

Potty movin’, potty movin’,
Empty bowels it feels so soothin’,
Potty movin’, potty movin’,
Phillips’ Caplets now will help with the poopin’,

Strain on, forlorn,
I have to pay the price once more,
Gave up crapping and sitting down,
Hard like rocks my butt is torn,
Want my bowels in motion cause I got the notion,
Like to get an enema of cocoanut lotion,
This constipation makin’ you insane,
You get worn down from this type of mind game,
Like a bottle of Champagne soon to pop,
I’m fine when my bottom starts to crap,
We need potty rockin’ not impaction,
Let me get some action from the back section,

Potty movin’, potty movin’,
Ah, sit down and it feels so soothing,
Potty movin’, potty movin’,
We be sittin’ down trying to make a bowel movement,

Potty movin’, potty movin’,
Empty bowels and it feels so soothin’,
Potty movin’, potty movin’,
Phillips’ Caplets now will help your bowel movin’,

My dear, here’s the master plan,
I said uncap Phillips’ and take ‘em in,
When I’m cramped up tight I scream: “Ooh, God damn!”
The caplets within will blow the dam,
Get relief when your crap has been,
Packed like sardines in a tin,
Kick off your shoes and get on the toilet,
‘Cause with the Phillips’ Caplets you’ll soon be set,
And then crap, light up the place,
And when you move your bowels you move your face,
And when your ass be full, stuck in place,
Grab yourself some Phillips’ and stuff ‘em in your face,

Oh, potty movin’, potty movin’,
Ah, sit down and it feels so soothing,
Potty movin’, potty movin’,
We be sittin’ down trying to make a bowel movement,

Potty movin’, potty movin’,
Empty bowels and it feels so soothin’,
Potty movin’, potty movin’,
Phillips’ Caplets now will help your bowel movin’.

This is “Body Movin’” by Beastie Boys (Fatboy Slim Remix), a really great, fun song even if they won’t let anyone use it for ads (Can you imagine how many of their songs would be used for ads if they did? I’ll bet lots!):

Friday, April 13, 2018

Rogaine Bon Jovi Ad (Joke/Proposed)

This Rogaine spot I wrote uses a modified version of Bon Jovi's: "Livin' on a Prayer" to sing about hair loss and trying to get his hair back through using Rogaine. This proposed spot would be in the form of a music video where the singer would act out what he's singing about (noticing thinning hair, panicking, praying for his hair to stay on his head, etc., and using Rogaine to regrow his hair), with the chorus having a bunch of balding guys singing together and spontaneously regrowing their hair after applying Rogaine.

(To the tune of Bon Jovi's "Livin' on a Prayer", beginning from the start of the first chorus.)

Whoa, my head looks bare,
Oh no, I’m losin’ all my hair,
Take Rogaine, it will make it I swear,
Gro-ow, it's givin’ back my hair!
Mommy gave me big flowing locks,
Now it’s falling out and it’s taking a walk,
So long. It's tough.

Gee my hair is running away,
I cry in the nighttime in whispers,
And I beg my hair please won’t you stay,
Okay?

We’ve got to hold on to what we’ve got,
It doesn’t make a difference if we fake it or not,
Our hair is thinning and it won’t stop falling out,
We’ll give it a shot.

Whoa, my head looks bare,
Oh no, I’m losin’ all my hair,
Take Rogaine, will make it I swear,
Gro-ow, givin’ back my hair!

Givin’ back my hair!

We’ve got to hold on, keep it on top,
We’ll keep holding tight to the hair that we’ve got!

Whoa, my head looks bare,
Oh no, I’m losin’ all my hair,
Take my hair, and keep it up there,
Ro-ogaine's givin’ back my hair!

Whoa, my head looks bare,
Oh no, I’m losin’ all my hair,
Take Rogaine, it will make it I swear,
Gro-ow, it’s givin’ back my hair!

This is Bon Jovi's "Livin' on a Prayer":

Monday, April 9, 2018

Laxative Passover Ad (Proposed)

I love Passover food, but it's pretty constipating. So I thought a god ad for a laxative might be to say: "If you can't pass your Passover food, use (product)." Or: "If your Passover delicacies will not pass over, try (product)."

Tuesday, April 3, 2018

TCM AA Club

Every time I turn on TCM these days, I keep seeing ads for their wine and such, and how well they go with movies. And do you know what goes great with watching movies and drinking wine every night? That's right: alcoholism. And that's why there's the new TCM AA Club, so people who became alcoholics because of the TCM Wine Club can get help for their drinking and try to learn to watch movies on TCM without a relapse.

The TCM AA Club provides members with friends with similar alcohol problems, and seeks to help with group screenings of great alcoholism movies like The Lost Weekend (1945), Days of Wine and Roses (1962), and Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf (1966). These movies should help TCM Winos get over their alcoholic tendencies and help hem go back to normal, sober life. Unfortunately TCM cannot provide a TV channel without wine ads, as they're now under control of the Coppola Vineyard.

(Just kidding! Coppola Vineyards wants nothing to do with getting people addicted to alcohol while watching movies!)

Saturday, March 31, 2018

Danzig Ancesrty.com Ad (Joke/Proposed)

Danzig's first album has a song called: "Am I Demon" where he wonders if he's a demon, or part demon, or something, singing: "Am I demon? I need to know!"

So I thought it might be fun to have Danzig perform this song and then leave the stage to meet people backstage, and the person (woman) there says if he really needs to know if he's demon, he should go to Ancestry.com. So Glenn Danzig goes to Ancestry.com where he's told he's not a demon, he's just a human who is a rock singer. But it says not to worry, as Ancestry.com is confidential and will never tell anyone.

Here is the Danzig song: "Am I Demon?":

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9VIjJvWoKLY

Thursday, March 29, 2018

Drano Danzig Ad Song (Joke/Proposed)

(I love Danzig’s first album, from 1988. And this love for the album made me think of a silly ad for Drano based upon the Danzig song: “Twist of Cain”, with altered lyrics that sing about Glenn Danzig experiencing a clogged drain and fixing it with Drano, like so.)

Whoa, I can’t feel it moving,
Feel it clogging as I turn the tap said yeah,
I can feel it’s standing,
It’s stuck with something and it, it starts to rise yeah!

Liquid Drano,
Yeah inside my drain oh,
Yeah Liquid Drano,
Makes it drain alright,
I just pour Liquid Drano,
Yeah into my sink oh,
Yeah Liquid Drano,
Makes it come out right!

Anyway, I took it standing,
I popped the cap and I started it to pour,
I’ll get the sink done my way,
It makes it drain from the top floor to the ground yeah!

Pour Liquid Drano,
Straight into my drain oh,
Yeah the Liquid Drano,
Makes it drain alright,
Oh it’s only Liquid Drano,
Yeah into my drain oh,
Yeah the Liquid Drano,
Makes it come out right!

Whoa! Gotta flow! I need some Liquid Drano in these clogged up pipes yeah,
Whoa! Gonna flow! Got a little Liquid Drano for the pipes below yeah!

Well, I know my teaching,
Know my father he was born a plumber yeah,
He recommends it,
Just pour in a little and it, it comes out right yeah!

Liquid Drano,
Yeah inside my drain oh,
Yeah Liquid Drano,
Makes it drain alright,
I Just pour Liquid Drano,
Yeah into my sink oh,
Yeah Liquid Drano,
Makes it come out right!

Whoa! Gotta flow! I need some Liquid Drano in these clogged up pipes yeah,
Whoa! Gonna flow! Got a little Liquid Drano for the pipes below yeah!
Whoa! Gotta flow! I need some Liquid Drano in these clogged up pipes yeah,
Whoa! Gonna flow! Got a little Liquid Drano for the pipes below yeah!

This is “Twist of Cain” by Danzig:

Deodorant School Easter Play Ad (Joke/Proposed)

Okay, so this is definitely going to offend some people, but I’m going to do it anyway. (Not that I want to offend people, though…)

An Easter school play has a scene with students playing the parts of the crucified Jesus and the two thieves on either side of him. The student playing the thieves on either side of the student playing Jesus have anguished looks on their faces, so much so that everyone in the audience, and even the teacher directing the play comment on how convincing their suffering is. But then, one of the students playing a Roman soldier tells the teacher/director that they’re not acting; it’s because the student playing Jesus has bad underarm odor, and in his crucified position his underarms are exposed and facing out so that everyone can smell it.

(This would probably work best as an ad for a deodorant aimed at high school boys, since adults might be offended by this spot. But in my experience, high school boys tend to love jokes about religion, so I think it would be a winner with them.)