Tuesday, December 12, 2017

New Lysol Scents for Christmas

Based upon popular demand, Lysol offers the new Eggnog and Sugar Plumb scented toilet cleaner for this years' holidays!

Also, burnt candle and latke scented candles for Chanukah.

Oh, you don't celebrate either of those holidays? Then send us all your requests in scratch-n-sniff form so we can do it for you next year!

(BTW: Just kidding! This is a joke, and Lysol will likely kill me like they do germs when they find out I wrote this. Sorry, Lysol. It is a free ad of sorts, though, right?)

Antique Americans

In this world of ever evolving politically correct terminology, might I suggest one that may have missed the attention that it deserves?

That would be the term for Senior Citizens. Maybe they don't feel so senior. So I would humbly recommend the following term: "Antique Americans".

After all, they love Antiques Roadshow, so they're bound to love this new moniker.

Monday, December 4, 2017

The Human Music Cycle

Children’s Songs

Your Parents’ Music

Whatever Music Drives Your Parents Crazy

More of Whatever Music Drives Your Parents Crazy

Whatever Music You Actually Like

Whatever Music Your Significant Other Likes
Turn That Noise Down! (Once you have kids of your own.)

Whatever Music Your Kids Like That You Don't Hate

Nostalgia Music

Children’s Songs

Saturday, November 25, 2017

A Can of Can-Do

I've heard of a can of whoop-ass, so how about a can of can-do?

I guess someone would inevitably call it: "Canned Doo", and that could scuttle the whole enterprise. Maybe that's why it's not an expression (or a product).

New Attractions at Hollywood Theme Parks

Flash Mob: A public exhibition of public exhibitionism. (A performance artist group's live interpretation of recent allegations of lewd conduct and indecent exposure in Hollywood to really give guests a visceral experience of what it's actually like to be a movie star on an audition for a big juicy part, and the juicy parts they might be likely to experience in such a situation.)

The Casting Couch Carousel: Each car in the carousel is designed to feel like an actual Hollywood movie executive's office, and when the door closes, you'll get the dizzying experience of being trapped in there with a performer dressed in a business suit trying to force himself on you. (Designed by experts and guaranteed to feel just like what real movie stars experience!)

The Movie Moguls' Masturbation Mansion: Have you ever imagined what being invited to a movie mogul's home and having them personally masturbate for you would actually be like? Well, now you don't have to! (With actual disgraced movie moguls masturbating for our guests! {They need the work now.})

The Exhibitionist Exposure Expo: A life-size gallery of photographs of giants of the movie industry revealing their not so giant side.

That Personal Touch: A ride that lets aspiring actors know what it really feels like to be groped by studio executives, directors, producers, casting agents and actors in Tinseltown.

And all guests finish it off with a delicious sausage sandwich you didn't ask for from Weinstein's Willie Whackin' Wiener Wagon.

Friday, November 24, 2017

The Stupor Bowl

With all of the everybody gets a trophy attitude and policy we've been hearing about for so long regarding school kids, why don't we at least partly give the same validation to failed sports teams?

So in the interest of encouraging professional (adult) athletes in the same spirit we do for children, and rewarding them for giving it the old college try year in and year out, why not give the two worst teams in NFL football a championship of their own each year? We could call it the Stupor Bowl, and have it be a sort of comedy relief version of the Super Bowl for fans to enjoy (especially those who just lost a lot of money on the Super Bowl).

The Motion Picture Academy Acronym

The acronym for the group that puts on the Oscars is: AMPAS.

With all the sordid details from the numerous sex abuse scandals coming out of Hollywood lately, people could easily be forgiven for mistakenly thinking that AMPAS stands for: Association of Masturbating Perverts And Sickos.

(Sorry, AMPAS: It's just a joke. Your acronym made it too easy.)