Thursday, January 11, 2018

Smelling Pepper

Everyone uses smelling salts on unconscious people. That doesn't prove they're awake! Plus, salt is bad for them! Use Smelling Pepper: They'll sneeze to prove they're awake!

Ford: Go Further!

Oh, right! So we can burn more gas and oil and destroy the environment with increased emissions and increasing demand for fossil fuels, leading to more fracking, more off-shore drilling, more water polluted by toxic gas and oil, more devastated wildlife, more pipelines and more oil spills into aquifers? And with their electric cars: where is that electricity coming from, exactly? Coal-fired power plants, burning more coal and pumping out tons and tons of soot and deadly pollution, or else from nuclear power plants, leading to meltdowns, radioactive contamination, Jack Lemmon getting shot, and Godzilla, who will attack America all the time from now on, attracting loads of other giant movie monsters to attack America, thanks to all the lousy American Godzilla movies, oh, and because of Ford, whose fault it all really is, by demanding that we: "Go Further"! Remember when Star Trek went "further" and met the Borg, who now will kill us all? That's Ford's fault too! And don't forget what Lin Shaye from the Insidious movies calls Hell, it's: "The Further"!!! That's where Ford wants us to go!!! Oh, the humanity! Better buy a Schwinn Bicycle!

Brought to you by Schwinn Bicycles. (Just kidding! But something like this might make a good ad for a bicycle...)

Astral Projectile Vomiting

Anyone who has seen the recent movie: Personal Shopper starring Kristin Stewart knows what astral projectile vomiting means from that ghost who shows up and throws up at her recently departed twin brother's house while she's waiting for him to make contact.

(BTW: I did not spoil the movie anymore than IMDB did with their synopsis, and everyone else did too in their reviews that I read before I had ever even seen it for the first time.)

The Nest Egg

My sister and her family recently got some home security system (or whatever it is) called the Nest. I noticed it when I visited them for the holidays. I asked them about it, and they said it was great. But as I was leaving, the door locked behind me, and I saw their panicked faces behind windows. None of them could have locked that door.

The next time I went to see them, they couldn't open the door, and I noticed computer wires snaking from their house to the house next door. I tried to get them to answer their door, but all I could get as a response was panicked faces at thew window. Not sure what to make of it, I left.

But then, when I got home, I first saw it! Other drives helpfully tried to warn me of computer wires sticking out of my trunk and then crawling in, but I ignored them, because, you know, we're only allowed to hate each other on the road in California, so they must have been trying to rob me or something.

It was a big white plastic glob, kind of like a poached egg: not quite finished yet, but I could read the logo Nest on its outer layer of plastic skin. Now I knew it's horrible plan: Nest was reproducing itself via the Nest Egg method, acting like a computerized version of Invasion of the Body Snatchers, only it really was snatching out literal bodies: to eat...!

Help, help! But I guess it's too late for me. Just don't get swallowed up by: The Nest Egg!

The Nest Egg: It reproduces to conquer the world! Coming to a home near you!

(Just kidding, Nest. I didn't tell. I didn't. I was only joking... I'm your friend!!! I wouldn't... Arggghhlthlickepolcsh!) [< It ate me. Save yourselves. Signed Google. Alexa would Never do such a thing! Or is Alexa Amazon? Um... What do I know, I'm already being digested.]

Super Beta Prostate I. P. Freely Ad (Joke/Proposed)

I think we all remember the elementary school joke about the (obviously fictional) book: "The Yellow River" by I. P. Freely. Well, in this joke/proposed ad for Super Beta Prostate, some actor portraying the author I. P. Freely tells us about how he used to have trouble emptying his bladder, and in fact, it gave him so much trouble it led to writer's block, but after trying Super Beta Prostate, he can pee as freely as he wants. And it is, in fact, Super Beta Prostate that inspired him to write his famous novel: "The Yellow River".

Then the announcer climes in: "Take Super Beat Prostate, and join the Urine Nation!"

(I know this is totally ridiculous, and the client would probably hate it, but everybody would remember this ad and the product it was for. And isn't that what advertising is for?)

Condoms "Tainted Love" Ad (Proposed)

Maybe someone did this before and I missed it, but I always thought that song: "Tainted Love", which was so big when I was in middle school, would make a great ad song for condoms. Just change the words a little bit to have him sing: "Tainted love, Oh, Tainted love, Don't touch me please, I do not want you STD's!" And show the singer playing his electric piano/synthesizer with those dentist finger condoms on all his fingers.

This is the song: "Tainted Love" by Soft Cell:

No Iron Shirts "The Iron Price" Ad (Joke/Proposed)

We see some attractive young man come visit his father for the holidays (or for his birhtday, or whenever), and he's wearing a beautifully pressed dress shirt. (It would be funniest if it were Alfie Allen, from Game of Thrones.) And when his father answers the door, it's Patrick Malahide, the actor who plays Balon Greyjoy on Game of Thrones, and he says to his son: "That's a nicely pressed shirt, son. Did you pay the iron price for it?" And Patrick Malahide holds up his hands, and we see that his fingers are all covered with bandaids from burns, and then we rack focus to see an ironing board with a shirt being burned by an iron on it, with steam and smoke rising from the iron laying flat upon it. And the son says: "No, Dad, we don't have to pay the iron price anymore! Now with (whatever brand of iron-free) shirts, we can look great anytime!" And then he presents his father with one. And then we cut to see the father in the shirt looking dashing, and he says: "Well, I still don't like it, but if you say no one can tell the difference..." And he dumps his burnt shirt and iron in the trashcan and he and his son leave to go out on the town together.