Saturday, October 21, 2017

Kaopectate Rocky Wannabe Ad (Proposed)

We hear the theme music from the movie Rocky, and we see a man dressed up in sweat clothes like Rocky, and he’s shadow boxing and then jogging, etc.; and then we see him in his kitchen cracking a bunch of raw eggs into a glass, and he drinks them. Then we cut to him holding his stomach, we hear gurgling, and he runs into the bathroom. Then the announcer says: “Need relief from diarrhea? Kaopectate knocks it out, fast!” (Or: “Punched in the gut by diarrhea? Kaopectate knocks it out, fast!”)

Diet Sprite Ad Song (Proposed)

To the tune of “Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend” (made famous by Marilyn Monroe in the movie Gentlemen Prefer Blondes):

A kiss on the hand may be quite continental, but Limon is a girl’s best friend.
A kiss maybe grand but it won’t make you mental, nor keep your diet low fat, and help to keep your tummy flat.

(A beautiful woman holds a bottle of Diet Sprite and sings the above lyrics while performing a dance routine choreographed to accentuate the lyrics.)

STD Billboard Ad

While driving in the San Fernando Valley I saw a billboard ad that surprised me. It was an image of the sea in the style of an old Japanese woodcut print, and the headline read: “Syphilis Tsunami”. It’s kind of a yucky message anyway, but to make the comparison to the earthquake and tsunami that hit Japan in 2011 I thought was perhaps in questionable taste. (The Japanese woodcut style image makes the connection pretty clear.)

But this led me to wondering: Were the following headlines already taken: “Herpes Hurricane” (with an image of hurricane devastation), “Chlamydia Cyclone” (with an image of cyclone devastation), “Gonorrhea Gale” (with an image of sailboats being tossed about), “V. D. Volcano” (with an image of an erupting volcano), and: “STD Super Storm” (with an image of an enormous hurricane radar image)? Those might work too.

This is what the billboard looks like:

Dawn of the Dieting Dead

The flesh-eating zombie thing really has been done to death at this point, so I think we could use a change. So here is the horrifying new zombie film: Dawn of the Dieting Dead!

One day in the near future, the dead come back to life. But they don’t want to eat you nor your brain. In fact, they don’t want to eat anything at all…! But if you think we’re safe, there is another, even more horrifying threat posed by the dieting dead: they give us all negative body image, and they make everyone feel fat! And so before you know it, all of the living stops eating too to try to diet themselves into looking as thin as the dieting dead, and pretty soon, one by one, humanity succumbs to malnutrition and we all join the ranks of the dieting dead. But at least everyone will look good in skinny jeans.

Think you’re hungry for shocking, visceral horror? You won’t be anymore when you see Dawn of the Dieting Dead! Coming soon to a theater near you.

Vengeance of the Vegan Dead

The night the dead vegans come back to life, and they eat up all the vegan food in the country, so the only thing that’s left for living vegans to eat is… meat, and more meat!

The most horrifying film ever made for vegans, it’s: Vengeance of the Vegan Dead! Coming soon to a theater near you.

Planters Peanut Lovers Ad (Joke/Proposed)

We see a close-up of a woman in bed. She rolls over onto her side of the bed, spent and satisfied, and she says: “Wow, that was great!” Then we pan over to the other side of the bed, and it’s Mr. Peanut, the Planters logo mascot. Then the announcer says: “Planters peanuts: A dream for peanut lovers!”

Laxative Can Do Ad (Proposed)

Someone is miserable because they’re constipated, and their friend asks them if they can do something with them, like go to the movies, or go out on the town, and the constipated person says: “Can’t do.” And the friend asks why, and the constipated person says: “Can’t do.” And the friend says: “Well not with that attitude you can’t! Here take (brand of laxative): it’s the ‘can do’ laxative!” And the friend tosses a packet of the laxative to the constipated person, who looks at it and takes a dose. Then we see the formerly constipated person come out of the bathroom, and the friend asks: “What do you say now?” And the formerly constipated person says: “Can do!” Then as we see the two friends grabbing their things and going out the door together, the announcer says: “Can’t do due to constipation? (Brand of laxative) is the ‘can do’ solution!” (Or: “(Brand of laxative) gives you a ‘can do’ attitude!”)