Saturday, January 31, 2015


Supersisyphusman is the most super of futile superheroes! Yes, Supersisyphusman has the most super powers imaginable to fight crime, and he always defeats the super villains, but as soon as he delivers them to jail, some corrupt lawyer gets them out again, and then he has to do it again, and again, and again! Plus, there are scores of super villains in his city, so he’s always busy stopping someone’s nefarious plans temporarily, but it never really does any good. Plus, there are tons of evil schemes going on all the time, and he can’t stop them all. And any time he takes a rest, everyone blames him for all the crime.

Yes, with Supersisyphusman, truly his job is never done!

That’s Supersisyphusman, the superhero; grab his adventures at a newsstand near you! (Don’t pay for it, and you might even meet him in person! But he’ll just let you go if all your friends also steal stuff from the newsstand, because what difference does it make anyway, after all he’s been through?)

BTW: For those who don’t know, this is Sisyphus:

(In this case, the name of this superhero only indicates the futility and repetition of his efforts, and not an issue of deceitfulness. But including deceitfulness as a superpower might make for an even more fun superhero: he always lies to everyone, so despite his best intentions and superpowers, nothing ever works out for him!)

The Great Profile of “The Great Profile”?

It’s John Barrymore night on TCM tonight, and his granddaughter Drew Barrymore was talking about him with Robert Osborne. And that made me wonder when Turner Classic Movies will make the definitive documentary about John Barrymore? They could call it: The Great Profile of “The Great Profile”. And now that they don’t have to think of an appropriate title (Sometimes half the effort of any book/play/film/artwork worth doing is thinking of the right title {if you do not already have one, that is…}.), maybe we’ll see it soon?

(“The Great Profile” was John Barrymore’s nickname in the 1920s and ‘30s.)

Progressive Back in Time Ad

Now this is the kind of thing I like to see. It’s very silly, but it also describes the product/service and why you’d want it. Plus, it’s likely very cathartic for people who hate this ad campaign and the Flo character, as well as showing us how people dealt with ad mascots they didn’t like in olden days. (<”Kill her!”)

Wow, wouldn’t be fun to see all the ad characters we loathe dispatched in such a fashion? Maybe the ads could suggest the execution, and then tell us to go online to “see what happens next” (a gory execution of that hated ad character). Then people might want to watch the ads!

Also, with the witch-burning theme in the third section of the spot, they should sponsor season 2 of Salem and show this ad.

Here’s the spokesperson-slaughtering spot:

(BTW: If an ad spokesperson gets beheaded or burned at the stake making a pitch, does workman’s comp cover that?)

Friday, January 30, 2015

Geico Life Insurance (Joke) Ad

Two men are sitting in a bar drinking: one of them is a Joe Pesci Goodfellas-style dangerous gangster, and the other is a sardonic hipster type. So the Joe Pesci gangster guy sees a Geico ad on the bar TV set, and he nudges the hipster guy and says: “Hey, 15 minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance!” And the hipster guy replies, contemptuously, without even bothering to look up from his glass of beer: “Yeah, everybody knows that…” Then the dangerous gangster guy says to the hipster guy, angrily: “What did you just (bleep)ing say to me, you little (bleep)? Do you think I’m (bleep)ing stupid or something, you (bleep)ing (bleep)? You’re (bleep)ing dead, mother(bleep)er!” And then the gangster whips out his gun and starts beating the hipster in the face with it, and the bartender (used to this sort of thing happening now and again) closes up the bar, after which he calls for some other gangsters to help get rid of the body. Then the announcer says: “Looks like someone could have used Geico life insurance! Call for a quote today!”

Then, as a tag, we see the gangster underlings loading the guy’s lifeless body into the trunk of their car, and as they close the trunk lid, we see it has a bumper sticker on it that reads: “I saved 15% (or more) with Geico!” (Or, as a special homage to Goodfellas, the guy’s body might not be completely lifeless after all; and after they close the trunk lid, we hear him banging on it trying to get out as they drive away.)

Here’s an example of the Geico ads I’m referring to here (although, as they say: “Everybody knows that!”):

Liberty Mutual “Cloverfield” (Joke) Ad

In this joke ad for Liberty Mutual, an actor stands on the Manhattan shoreline with a view of the Statue of Liberty behind him (like in their current ad campaign), and he talks about wrecking your brand new car, but your insurance company only wants to pay 80% of the value; and while this is going on, behind him we see the monster from the movie Cloverfield, and it rips the head off the Statue of Liberty and throws it into the city. Then the actor looks back at the monster and the ruined statue, and he says: “See? You never know what can happen, so you definitely need insurance! And do you think any other company besides Liberty Mutual would replace that whole statue? No, all the others would say: ‘Oh, it’s so old; blah, blah, depreciation!’ Only Liberty Mutual will replace the whole Statue of Liberty when monsters attack the city!”

Here’s an example of the current Liberty Mutual campaign ads I’m referring to here:

Suge Knight Pickup Truck Ad?

Death Row Records co-founder Suge Knight was reportedly arrested for murder yesterday based on a hit-and-run accident police claim was intentional. Apparently Mr. Knight ran over two men with his pickup truck.

Now, I wasn’t there, so I don’t know what happened, but if Suge Knight walks on this charge, maybe he should do ads for pickup trucks, saying that only a (whatever brand of pickup truck) is tough enough for Suge Knight. And then we see him drive over a bunch of people, with no damage to the truck.

But, because this would be an advertisement, and as such must possess a modicum of acceptability, Suge’s truck would only drive over people like gossip rag journalists, paparazzi, candy-assed white rappers, etc.

We’ve all seen these ads before, with pickup trucks driving over large piles of stones, logs, etc.: it would be like that, only with the truck driving over people that would be cathartic for us all to see driven over in a fantasy video piece.

Cialis Bathtub Couple Logo (Joke) Ad

In New York City, we see a man walking around who is wearing a bathtub as a pair of shorts (as in, he’s not wearing a shirt, and he has a bathtub with water in it as his shorts, with his legs coming down through the bottom of the bathtub so he can walk around). People on the streets either notice him in an amused or irritated manner or ignore him. Then we see a woman walking around in New York City who is also wearing a bathtub as a pair of shorts. Then, from walking through the madding crowds of the New York streets, just by chance, we see the two bathtubs bonk into each other, and suddenly their eyes meet, and they have an instant love connection. Then we cut to the bathtub-wearing couple walking together in the countryside, where they find a lovely spot on a hill with a beautiful view, and they both sit down next to each other, forming the (ridiculous) Cialis logo of the two people sitting next to each other in separate bathtubs.

(I have thought for years now that this logo of two people outdoors, each soaking in a separate bathtub next to each other, is probably the silliest corporate identity image I’ve ever seen. And the above joke ad seeks to explain how it might have happened, when we all know it would never happen in any way whatsoever.)

Thursday, January 29, 2015

How Green Was My Vomit

It’s the combination of the two movies you’ve all been waiting for: How Green Was My Valley and The Exorcist. You probably thought you’d never live to see your dream become a reality, but here it is in all its gory glory: How Green Was My Vomit.

The plot plays out just like the John Ford classic, only this time Angharad gets possessed by the devil, exhibited by her overtly green vomit, and so they have to give her an exorcism. Then, after the exorcism, she seems to possess an unearlthy extent of carnal knowledge, so they burn her at the stake. (They get in trouble for it later, though.*)

It’s all the poverty-stricken coal-mining devil-possession drama you can take in one sitting, it’s: How Green Was My Vomit, coming soon to a theater near you!

* Then watch the sequel: How Green Was My Vomit 2: Valley of the Shadow of Death, where Angharad’s angry spirit gets revenge against everyone for burning her at the stake, coming not quite as soon to a theater near you!

Prospective Submarine Company Name & Slogan

Stillwater Submarines: Stillwaters Run Deep!

Miller “High-Life Scum” (Joke) Ad

Today Senator John McCain blasted protesters aimed at Henry Kissinger as: “Low-life scum”. Well, I can’t let that advertising opportunity for Miller Beer pass me by! So here’s how this ad would work:

John McCain (or a reasonable facsimile) would bitch at protesters, calling them: “Low-life scum”, and then the announcer would chime in: “Don’t be ‘low-life’ scum, be ‘High-Life’ scum, by drinking Miller High Life!

Here’s the story that inspired this joke ad:

Cialis Affair Ad (Joke/Proposed)

In this joke/proposed ad for Cialis, the announcer would start out the familiar way, saying something like: “She’s the love of your life,” but then the ad would continue in a slightly different way, with the announcer next saying: “But you can’t get it up anymore, so she’s going to have to take a lover. Well, you know what will happen next, right? It always ends the same way: you challenge her lover to a duel, and either you’re killed or her lover is killed, and she dies of guilt or grief (or consumption). And all because you wouldn’t get Cialis, you fiend! (Oh, and getting Viagra or Levitra is cheating! Way worse awaits you with that stuff!)”

Now, this is mostly a joke, but I really must point out that a wife having an affair is probably a huge deal to most men (unless they don’t love them anymore, and even then it’s still probably a challenge to their machismo), so it would really be one of the sure-fire ways to try to sell a boner pill. Maybe it’s hitting, um, below the belt, but uh, isn’t that what this product is all about anyway?

(BTW: This ad was inspired by both the current Cialis ads, and also by the movies: The Earrings of Madame de… and: Letter from an Unknown Woman, both by the German director {who worked in Germany, France, Hollywood, France and then Germany again} Max Ophüls.)

Fetal Instinct (The Action Movie)

There’s a movie called Fatal Instinct on one of my cable movie channels tonight, so I couldn’t help but joke that is was called Fetal Instinct, and that it was about an action movie-type hero fetus who fights back against attempts to abort it. Of course, if you don’t like that idea, it could instead be about a female assassin who really, really wants to have a baby, so she gets pregnant by her current target (codename: “The Stork”; so named due to his lankiness and his big beak of a nose) before killing him, and then has the baby, which becomes an infant assassin to help her kill, like in the Lone Wolf and Cub series.

Ads could scream that it will be “delivered” on whatever the release date is.

Oh, and sneak preview tickets would come with celebratory cigars.

Hydrox-ycut Cookies

Yes, the makers of Hydrox Cookies ands Hydroxycut weight loss products have teamed up to help you lose weight by eating delicious cookies!

Hydroxycut Cookies taste like Hydrox Cookies but contain the active ingredient of Hydroxycut to help prevent childhood obesity!

That’s Hydroxycut Cookies: The more you eat, the more weight you lose!

(Another joke based on Hydrox Cookies.)

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Go Daddy Puppy Super Bowl Ad Pulled

When I heard this ad was pulled, I was afraid that Go Daddy had really gone too far this time. I suppose an Internet puppy delivery company might not be much fun for the dog, but at least the online company didn’t end up being like Kentucky Fried Puppy or something.

Hey, maybe next year, just to get the animal rights people’s goat, they can have a small pig get thrown out of a pickup truck, find its way home, and then we find that the Internet company is for Christmas Smoked Baby Hams. Then when people complained, they could helpfully point out that ham comes from pigs, and pigs are slaughtered in large numbers in practically every state. But that’s okay, so long as you can’t buy a puppy online.

But you know, there really ought to be outrage about this Go Daddy puppy ad. Can you spot the reason? That’s right: the business owner in this ad sold something online she didn’t even actually possess at the time of the sale, and had no reason to think she’d get back. So, what was she going to do, claim it must have climbed out of the box, or fallen off of the FedEx truck? (Actually, come to think of it, that puppy did fall out of her truck, so it must have given her a brainwave of an excuse to ship an empty box and collect the money anyway. {Like on EBay, the listing would say: “No refunds!”})

BTW: I think companies do this pushing the envelope thing to offend and then pull the ads on purpose these days, because it’s a good way to cut through the noise and get your ad played for free on all the scandal-rag news shows, getting people to watch who would normally hit the mute button during the ads.

Here’s the pernicious puppy purveyor piece:

Coppertone Dog Billboard/Print Ad

Remember that Coppertone ad with the dog pulling the bathing suit bottom off the girl at the beach? If they use it again, they should ad the tag: “Coppertone: inspiring canine sexual harassment since 1959!” (<1959 was the year this ad originated; the product dates to 1944, but they didn’t include the special dog-exciting ingredient until the 1950s, I don’t think.)

Here’s the Coppertone dog ad (one of many versions over the years):