Friday, October 31, 2014

Christine 2: Driverless Car Carnage

In the original movie of Christine, we saw the mayhem caused by a demonic car. But now, in the even more horrifying sequel, we see a Christine for a new generation as evil evolves into a possessed Google Driverless Car (!!!). Yes, not only does this Christine drive herself and cause pandemonium on the roads and in people's garages, but this time she's connected to the internet, cellular devices and satellites, so she can get you no matter where you try to run! And most horrifying of all, this Christine is a Prius, so when she makes you run for your life, everyone will laugh at you for looking like such a wimp!

It's the terrible technological terror of a demonic driverless car, it's: Christine 2: Driverless Car Carnage, coming soon to hit a drive-in theater near you!

Kohler Mad Scientist's Secret Lavatory Ad (Proposed)

We see a woman who is ostensibly a mad scientist walk into a spooky castle tower in a lab coat. She walks into a scary dark room filled with mad scientist lab equipment, brains in jars, flasks of smoking liquid, gurneys, and spiderwebs everywhere. She crosses the room, opens a big creaky door, and enters another dark room and closes the door behind her. Then we cut to the inside of the room, and she turns on the lights to reveal a dream bathroom with a gorgeous shower and a sumptuous bathtub, in addition to a beautiful sink and counter, all of which are topped off with the most elegant Kohler fixtures imaginable. She draws a bath, gets in, and then she looks into the camera and says: "I'm not really a mad scientist. I just do all of this spooky stuff to scare people away so that nobody bothers me while I'm soaking in my beautiful bath." Then the announcer says that you'll go to any lengths to be left alone when you have the luxurious dream bathroom that Kohler bathroom fixtures can provide.

Zappos "Attack of the 50 Foot Woman" Ad (Proposed)

In this proposed ad for Zappos based upon the silly sic-fi/horror movie Attack of the 50 Foot Woman,  a woman with 50 feet (50 feet at the tips of her 50 legs, in a joke on the title of the classic silly movie) shows up at a shoe store to buy shoes, but they do not have 25 pairs of the same shoes in the same size in stock, so she cannot buy her shoes, and so she goes on the rampage (or we see her angry face and crazy eyes, and it is suggested that she goes on a rampage, due to the title of the ad: "Attack of the 50 Foot Woman"). And then the announcer tells us that while most shoe stores would not carry a large enough selection and stock of shoes for the 50 Foot Woman, Zappos carries whatever shoes she wants all the time, in whatever styles, sizes and colors imaginable. And if they've got enough selection and stock to serve the 50 Foot Woman, then they surely have whatever you might want.

Blood Curdling

We keep hearing about blood-curdling screams and frightening movies that curdle your blood, so I have always wondered: is curdled blood a delicacy for vampires? It probably is, like some kind of blood custard. And to produce this yummy treat, vampires probably have to scare their victims a lot to get their blood to curdle before they bite them. Or, maybe they show horror movie marathons and then have a blood donation drive with nurses in the lobby of the movie theater, so they can get all that especially delicious curdled blood as a special treat. And that's probably the real reason we have Halloween every year: so vampires can get their special curdled blood treat once a year without anyone suspecting what's going on.

The Tinkler

(Inspired by the William Castle movie The Tingler.)

Like the Tingler, The Tinkler is a creature everyone has inside of them, and when someone gets scared, the fear causes the Tinkler to wrap around and squeeze their bladder, causing them to pee their pants. And this is why people pee their pants when they get overly frightened, which we all know happens sometimes.

And if you try to resist the squeezing of the Tinkler, you can die! (And then you'll pee your pants anyway. So the Tinkler wins either way.)

Hey, come to think of it, this would make a fun Halloween ad for Depend Undergarments (although they would probably never make it {buzzkills}). They could show a B&W movie trailer for The Tinkler (a joke on The Tingler), saying the bit about the Tinkler squeezing your bladder when you're overly frightened, and that resisting the Tinkler can kill you. (Okay, maybe the kill you part goes a bit too far, even as a joke.) But it's no problem, because when you wear Depend Undergarments, you can pee your pants from fright, or for whatever other reason, and you're completely protected from any embarrassment or mess, so you can let the Tinkler do its worst without worry or consequence.

Viagra George Thorogood "Bad to the Bone" Ad (Proposed)

A fifty-something man walks into his bathroom, opens the medicine cabinet, grabs a bottle of Viagra, opens it, shakes out one Viagra pill, and as the pill falls into the palm of his hand, we hear the guitar riff from George Thorogood's "Bad to the Bone" play. Then we see the man strutting through his house and into his bedroom, while the song is edit to play the lyrics: "I make a rich woman beg, I make a good woman steal, I make an old woman blush, and I make a young girl squeal. I wanna be yours pretty baby, yours and yours alone, and I'm here to tell you honey, I'm bad to the bone." Then we see the man close the bedroom door behind him, and we see the slogan: "Viagra: Bad to the Bone," as the guitar plays some of the solo part of the song with the slide and such. And as a tag, we hear the line from the same song: "Every woman I meet, they all stay satisfied," followed by that famous guitar riff once more.

(I can't believe nobody has made this ad yet, so finally I had to write it up and post it here.)

This is George Thorogood's "Bad to the Bone":

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Skittles Giant Spider Ad

Ah, a fun Halloween horror-themed candy ad. Nice.

But I wonder, is this spider supposed to be Stephen King’s It? Or is it the giant spider from Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings? Whichever it is, this scenario would make for a fun ad for Raid Spider Killer: Show the same ad, but have the kid answer the spider by spraying it with Raid, whereupon it falls to the ground, dead.

Here’s the Skittles spider spot:

Wake Up, America! (Brand Coffee)

We have such a large, healthy, thriving conspiracy theory community here in America, so isn’t it time they were considered as a marketing demographic all their own? The age demographics are so outdated nowadays, so why not target markets based on interest? That way product ads could really connect with their consumers!

And with the conspiracy crowd so consistently shouting at us to: “Wake up, America!” doesn’t this suggest a product brand name, like maybe Wake Up, America! brand conspiracy coffee? Ads could scream that Wake Up, America! brand conspiracy coffee “opens your eyes and wakes you up to all the conspiracies around you, guaranteed!”

Wouldn’t you drink Wake Up, America! brand conspiracy coffee? Each package comes with a free tinfoil-hat-shaped coffee mug that you can put on your head after you finish drinking the coffee, which is guaranteed to block out all government attempts at mind control.

The Fat and the Furious (Joke/Proposed Diet Ad)

We see angry overweight people, and the announcer (or print ad headline) says: “Are you furious because you’re fat? Don’t get mad, get even, with (whatever brand of diet plan)!”

Painted Fainted (New Reality TV Show?)

In this upcoming reality TV show, artists get a chance to paint on the faces of people who have passed out from drinking too much (or maybe the show could use some type of voluntary anesthesia). What will they choose to paint on the faces, and will they be able to finish their masterpiece before their canvas wakes up and beats them up?

It’s all artistry and suspense, working against the clock, on Painted Fainted: coming soon!

Oh Happy Dagger Knife Sharpener

Not enough poison for you to follow your lover into the next life? Do you depend on a dagger to end your star-crossed love affair of a life when you wake up in a dark, dank, creepy crypt? Then you’re going to need a sharp dagger!

Yes, imagine waking up in a crypt full of rotting corpses and having a dull dagger so you die of starvation or get eaten by rats while you are yet alive! God forbid!

You need the reliable knife sharpener that makes all knives and daggers happy: The Oh Happy Dagger Knife Sharperer! Not sold in stores; order yours today!

(BTW: This is from Romeo and Juliet, and not just some twisted fantasy of the author.)

Pillory (The Superhero)

Prepare, pill poppers, it’s Pillory, the superhero! He abuses and shames people who abuse pills! Surely a superhero for today’s social problems, Pillory is here to save the day, and he’s FDA approved to fight rampant pill-popping drug abuse in a fictional context!

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

A Halloween Carol

Ever think Dickens’s A Christmas Carol was spooky due to the ghosts, and as such might make a better Halloween story? Well, your prayers have been answered with the new TV special: A Halloween Carol!

In A Halloween Carol, Ebenezer Scrooge thinks Halloween is “humbug” too, and he won’t allow anyone to dress up in scary costumes at work, nor will he participate in “Trick-or-Treat” candy distribution for the children. And so, to temper his inflexibility, and hopefully achieve a change of heart in our cantankerous anti-hero Mr. Scrooge, he is visited by three ghosts on Halloween, only this time they don’t actually represent anything so much as they’re just really frightening and sinister malevolent demonic spirits, apparitions and poltergeists, and they won’t leave him alone until he accepts and exhibits the spirit of Halloween, which he finally does, buying a huge bag of candy for Trick-or-Treaters, and giving so much of it out, it produces obesity, cavities and diabetes in the local population of youngsters, which is really not his fault as he was, in fact, bullied into participating in Halloween in the first place, as we all know.

A cautionary tale about Halloween humbug, candy consumption and bullying, it’s A Halloween Carol, coming soon!

Rain of Terror

It’s the environmental horror movie you’ve all been waiting for: Rain of Terror!

In this terrifying disaster/suspense/nature-strikes-back horror movie, climate change has made super storms more likely, and pollution has seeded the clouds with deadly, flesh-melting acid rain, and this deluge of death is headed your way! Prepare for the corrosive scalding torture that awaits you just before your agonizing death from the Rain of Terror!

Meteorologists and weather reporters step outside to inform us of the situation, but little do they know the unexpected and colorful manner in which they will illustrate the danger when their flesh dissolves in red rivulets of screaming, shrieking shock, followed by the horror of their skeletons melting away into a curdled custard of creeping calcium carbonate cream!

You try to hide, try to escape, try to find shelter, but no matter where you go, this super storm’s super strong acid will dissolve and melt away any structure in its way until finally it reaches your flesh and traps you for a disgusting dissolving death from the Rain of Terror!

That’s Rain of Terror: Coming for you soon with its malicious melting murder!

“Westworld” Hair (Scene I’d Like to See)

In the original movie Westworld, Yul Brynner’s gunfighter goes haywire, killing people and chasing after Richard Benjamin. But we never understand why the gunfighter is so ruthlessly pursuing Richard Benjamin, so I’d like to see a scene explaining this, where Yul Brynner finally does catch and kill Richard Benjamin, and after doing so, Yul Brynner scalps Benjamin and wears his hair like a wig. (See? The bald gunfighter robot was always mad because he was bald, so he was always tormented by others’ hair; but once he saw Richard Benjamin’s sexy locks he blew a fuse and simply had to have that hot hair for himself!)

Hey, maybe this could be some kind of hair product ad, like maybe for Axe shampoo or gel, where guys get that look that’s so hot with their hair, and it is so attractive and desirable, even previously benign, non-aggressive robots develop emotions and become obsessed killers to try to get the sexy-looking hair for themselves. (<Silly robot, axe is for guys!)

Yippy Dog Barking Alarm

We’ve all heard about the “electronic watchdog” devices that trigger recordings of barking dogs whenever someone knocks on a door or tries to enter a home, with the hopeful function of deterring break-ins. Well, since that’s such a success, why not expand the product line to include an electronic yippy dog alarm?

The electronic yippy dog alarm would serve to scare away dates and suitors for attractive women. Since men hate little yippy dogs, hearing one bark as they approach a woman’s home would definitely scare away many, many men. Then, surely, only the men who are truly interested in the women would actually go through with the date.

It makes a great gift, for an attractive woman, or for their roommates who hate their dates.

Yippy Dog Chow

When you get a yippy dog for your apartment, you know that little dog is going to bark all day long every day, and probably all night long every night too. After all, it has to drive your neighbors absolutely crazy, right? And barking that long takes a lot of energy.

That’s why there’s new Yippy Dog Chow. Its special nutrition formula gives annoying little yippy dogs the fuel they need to drive apartment dwellers to insanity and beyond with endless eardrum-shattering volume barking, day-in and day-out, and nighttime too.

So remember, to really make your neighbors hate you, your dog must have the energy required to bark absolutely continuously at their absolute loudest. And for that, your dog needs Yippy Dog Chow, the new dog food specially formulated for yippy dogs.