Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Toyota Terror Trucks

The news has been talking about a recent drone strike on an al Qaida group in Yemen (AQAP) after they made a brazen YouTube video of their meeting. Well, the one thing that stood out to me, being the ad crazed person I am, was that they were all driving one brand of pickup truck: Toyota. And that made me wonder: since there's obviously such a big militant market out there for Toyota pickup trucks, do they make militant-specific advertising, or militant-specific brands for these terrorists types?

We all know the pickup truck ads we have in America, with farmers and such carrying loads of animals or building materials around, driving along dirt roads and up and down hills and through puddles and such, right? Well, to sell their trucks to terrorists, Toyota could show some of this footage, and then say: "Other truck bands say they're tough, but are they tough enough to be shot at with drones and stuff?"

Then they could make specific terrorist truck models for sale in the Middle East, like the Toyota Terrorist, the Toyota Militant, the Toyota Extremist; and for the higher-ups, they could market an upscale truck, like the Lexus Jihad and the Lexus Fatwa. Sure, they're already the #1 brand of pickup trucks among terrorist groups, but this would really seal the deal with them such that nobody would be willing to be caught dead in another brand of truck! (And they will be caught dead in their truck at some point, you can be pretty sure of that eventuality: America will see to that!)

Hey, how about a slogan like: "Life is short when you're a terrorist, so buy a truck you'd be proud to drive to paradise." Then they could show dead terrorists showing up in their Toyota and getting all the virgins, but then some terrorists show up in some other brand of pickup truck, and the virgins all snub them, so one says to the other: "I told you to buy a Toyota! Now we're going to be left out for all eternity!"

(Of course, this is just a joke. I'm just making fun of the easily verifiable fact that more terrorists drive Toyota pickup trucks than any other brand.)

Here's a CNN news story about a recent terrorists meeting and subsequent drone strike in Yemen with a related video showing the militants driving Toyota pickups trucks:

LA Traffic (New LA Clippers Basketball Team Name?)

Reportedly the LA Clippers need a new name for their team, seeing as how the Clippers moniker was originally intended for another city, and supposedly the team’s current name will always be associated with this Sterling racist comment thing, at least according to opinion pieces I’ve read masquerading as journalism. So okay, they should change their name, and what better name than the LA Traffic?

The traffic in Los Angeles is tough and very hard to defeat. It’s also very grueling, and almost impossible to take for long, as it wears you down with its relentlessness and its all-encompassing power over everyone in the city. No one can escape, no one can overcome the Los Angeles traffic, no matter how rich, powerful, strong, patient, talented, hard-working, etc., anyone is: they’re no match for the never-ending, all-powerful, indefatigable LA traffic. It’s always on the move, it’s unpredictable, it’s unrelenting, and it’s potentially dangerous and deadly. And it will tie you up for hours and exhaust you completely without warning. (And aren’t all those qualities positive, desirable qualities for a basketball team? And aren’t they accurate of this great Clippers team nowadays?)

Just think of how merciless and intimidating the LA traffic is. And with a name that strikes fear and intimidation into the hearts of everyone who has ever been to Los Angeles, the LA Traffic basketball team would have an edge no other team has! It would be a truly locale-appropriate intimidating name, one that everybody would instantly recognize as suitable for the name for a great team that never gives up, and has gotten tougher and thicker and fiercer, and harder and harder to take on as time goes by.

So come on Clippers, change your name, to: The LA Traffic!

The only other appropriate Los Angeles-themed names a sports team could really consider would have to be entertainment/movie industry oriented possibilities like the Stars, the Media Whores, the Paparazzi, the Actors, the Awards Shows, the Talent, the Agents, the Directors, the Producers, the Rabid Film Fans, the Canyons, the Kardashians, the Stallones, the Action Stars; or as other LA-specific qualities, like for example: the Hollywood Hills, the Sun Shiners, the Surfers, the Police Brutality, the Excessive Force, etc. (<Actually, that last one sounds appropriately menacing, doesn’t it?)

Then again, another possibility could be to rename the team the LA Riots. After all, LA has had a number of riots over the years, and it is something that’s both exceedingly well known about the city historically, and it’s a name with intimidating/unpredictable/powerful/frightening qualities. So, for a name that’s both recognizable and frightening, it’s hard to do better than the LA Riots. Also, it would suggest to fans how they should behave whenever the team wins the national championship. (But the LA Riots may be offensive to some people, or it may be viewed as presenting the city in a negative light, so maybe it’s not permissible: who knows?)

Here’s one of the articles insisting upon a name change for the Clippers:

Gas-X-Men Battle Captain Colic and the Gas Pains (Joke Gas-X Ad)

Having dispatched the Flatulent Fiends from my last (joke) ad for Gas-X, our heroic team of Gas-X-Men have a new villain to stop: Captain Colic (and his group of henchmen, the Gas Pains)! So Captain Colic appears on the scene with his nefarious, malodorous gang of henchmen, the Gas Pains, using his villainous super powers to give everyone gas pains (he shoots beams out of his hands that give everyone they touch bad colic), and his henchmen the Gas Pains poke people in the belly to make the gas pains hurt worse. Well, the Gas-X-Men must stop this new dastardly, gaseous threat to the city! So they show up on the scene like a flash, and they use their Gas-X super powers to neutralize all the colic and gas, and they round up the bad guys, and once again the day is saved by the heroic Gas-X-Men!

And you, too, can become one of the Gas-X-Men when you use the super-heroic gas-neutralizing power of Gas-X!

Here is my original post for the Gas-X-Men (a joke ad for Gas-X):

Carl’s Jr. X-Men Ads

In a series of tie-in promotion ads for Carl’s Jr. using characters from the upcoming X-Men: Days of Future Past, we see Mystique, Quicksilver and Colossus, each in their own ad, eating some big gooey burger (or some such food item), with lots of gross squishy sound effects and dripping, (un)sexy sauce.

I always have a bit of a problem with these empty-headed movie tie-in ads, because I think there ought to be a clever idea to make the tie-in work well to sell the product and really help intrigue viewers about the movie too, but so often movie-themed product advertising is just vapid and a missed opportunity, and these are no different. They’re not especially offensive or anything, they’re just uninteresting; and I think that’s a shame, because superheroes have such potential for fun tie-ins.

But I have to wonder, would the X-Men really eat Carl’s Jr. burgers? Wouldn’t eating big greasy fast food burgers make them feel all gross and sluggish, and make them flabby? I’d think superheroes would have to eat right to stay in that kind of tip-top super shape. Or maybe one of their mutant super powers is being able to eat fast food without getting fat or slovenly.

But I would think these ads could be worked into the plot of the movie to say that Carl’s Jr. food has been scientifically engineered to be irresistible to mutants, and it’s been created specially as a weapon to use against the X-Men by the fearful anti-mutant bigots in the government; and in the ad we see a burger left out for one of the X-Men, and they cannot resist but go and eat it; and they get so caught up in enjoying eating it, that they become obsessed, and then they become addicted. And then they can’t break themselves away from eating the Carl’s Jr. burgers again and again, one after another, until they’re obese and slovenly. And during this time, the X-Men are one-by-one lured out of their headquarters by the delicious Carl’s Jr. burgers, and one-by-one they fall victim to this plot, irresistibly drawn to eat the juicy beguiling burgers, until the mutant menace is eliminated once and for all, not by killing or imprisoning them, but by making them fat, lethargic slaves to unhealthy fast food. Mwa ha ha! And in this way, whenever we eat Carl’s Jr. food, we can feel like we, too, are X-Men, drawn to and defeated by the mouthwatering siren’s song of bloated burger bondage.

Then the ads could say that the Carl’s Jr. burgers are so delicious, they’re irresistible! I know it might make them seem unhealthy and fattening and all, but after all, that’s true, and at least here they’d just come right out and say so when we all know it already, but they’d also be telling us that they’re so yummy, they even defeated the X-Men, and that would tie directly into the movies in a relevant and memorable way that’s actually accurately related to the product being advertised, and show why it is that the X-Men movie characters would be using the products in a believable scenario that makes us feel like we’re superheroes too when we give in to our desire for Carl’s Jr. And the slogan could even be that if the X-Men cannot resist the allure of Carl’s Jr. burgers, what chance have the rest of us got? And then they could say, as the tag: “Succumb to the power of great taste!” or something like that. Because after all, Carl’s Jr. food is apparently so irresistibly delicious, even strong superheroes like the X-Men cannot resist it! (Even though they know it’s a dastardly plot to defang their mutant abilities, still they are inexorably drawn to it like magnetic metal is to Magneto!)

See what I mean? Wouldn’t that be more fun than what they did with the real ads?

Here are the X-Men Carl’s Jr. ads I’m referring to:

Elder Lee (The Elder Superhero)

It’s Elder Lee, sage superhero of wisdom, character arcs and storytelling!

Elder Lee is Stan Lee’s secret elder superhero identity now that he’s older and wiser. He can use his super powers of character arcs and story structure to teach a new generation of movie writers and directors how to avoid falling into the pitfalls that make movie adaptations disappointing, lame and predictable. But, because he fights for right and justice, he will likely be ignored as a “square”; and because he’s old, probably nobody will want to listen to him.

Gold Bond Itchy Trigger Finger Ad (Joke/Proposed)

In a mock scene from a Spaghetti Western-style movie, we see a villain shoot down a bunch of innocent people in cold blood, and when asked by a fellow villain why he did it, our baddie says: “I have an itchy trigger finger.” Then a white hat hero guy shows up and shoots the bad guys down in a gunfight, and we see the good guy has a gold star pinned to his chest that says: “Gold Bond”. Then the announcer says: “Stop itching dead in its tracks with Gold Bond medicated powder, lotion or cream.”

Or else, if they want to be less violent about it, the hero could simply offer the villain some Gold Bond for his itchy trigger finger, and then the villain would become a good guy too.

Life Alert Ad Claim: Every 11 Minutes

I just saw an ad for Life Alert where the announcer said: “We save a life from a catastrophe every 11 minutes!” That’s nice, and it sounds very efficient of them, but what if someone has a life-and-death emergency in between the eleven minutes? People’s emergencies don’t always follow a set schedule, so someone might drown, or burn to death, or have a car accident, or a heart attack in between the 11-minute intervals Life Alert apparently uses to save people. What about them? Are they doomed to die just because their emergencies aren’t scheduled to occur every eleven minutes? I would think Life Alert would want to appear willing to save people at any time that they might be needed, but maybe it’s too hard to be ready any time, and they think once every 11 minutes is enough. But how on Earth do they get everyone’s emergencies so precisely scheduled such that their customers have emergencies once every eleven minutes? I’d think it would be a lot more trouble to try to set up such a rigorous schedule. Unless…

Hey, you don’t suppose Life Alert is actually causing the emergencies themselves, do you? When you think about it, it’s the only way they could believably save people every 11 minutes, because one emergency every 11 minutes is way too structured and way too tight of a schedule to be plausible. Wow, I guess they really slipped up when they told us they saved someone every 11 minutes, because it certainly looks suspicious!

Of course there is another possibility I haven’t mentioned: maybe they are rescuing those with emergencies that occur every 11 minutes, and they’re simply not bothering to help those who have emergencies which occur in between the 11 minute intervals. Wow, how unfeeling of them to refuse to help people just because their emergencies do not adhere to their rigorous schedule of every 11 minutes! How could they? This clearly illustrates the dehumanizing and depraved characteristics inherent in strict, controlling bureaucracies.

Here’s the ad that’s effective every 11 minutes:

(Of course this is just a joke! I'm sure Life Alert tries to save everyone regardless of when their emergency occurs. It's just that they are apparently only successful at saving lives every 11 minutes, according to their advertising. {Just kidding: it only sounds that way.})

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

McDonald’s Triple Down Sandwich?

KFC is running an ad proclaiming the return of the Double Down sandwich (for a limited time), and it made me wonder: should McDonald’s try to outdo them with a Triple Down sandwich?

A Triple Down sandwich would be easy for McDonald’s to make. All they’d have to do is replace the 3 buns in the Big Mac with crispy chicken, or maybe even have the middle one be a Filet o’ Fish, and have the hamburger patties in between the new chicken (& fish) “buns”. But because it’s the Triple Down™ sandwich, and that’s got to be huger than huge, the hamburger patties would have to be the 1/3 pounder Angus beef hamburgers (from their discontinued premium burger line {Hey, they’ve got to get rid of them somehow!}). And each layer would have different sauce combination: it would have the Big Mac’s “special sauce”, but each different layer would combine it with another sauce; for example, honey mustard with the bottom chicken “bun”, tartar sauce for the Filet o’ Fish filet, and BBQ or ranch for the underside of the top chicken “bun”.

And, of course, for a limited time McDonald’s would offer the Triple Down™ sandwich with the McRib as the center “bun” as an option.

Oh, and as a health-conscious option for health food fans, the Triple Down™ sandwich will also be available with grilled chicken “buns”!

You think you’ve cornered the cynical clogged artery sandwich market, KFC? Well, think again, because someone else is about to Triple Down™ on great taste! (And more filling!)

Salt Idiom Dangers

We hear it advised every day: “Take it with a pinch of salt.” But did you know that extra pinch of salt could kill you? It’s true!

New research finds that additional pinch of salt can raise blood pressure and lead to heart attacks, strokes, and even death (!).

So when someone tells you to “take it with a pinch of salt”, you must recognize that person is trying to murder you! And you know what to do with someone like that: get them before they get you, before it’s too late!

Testosterone Bad Drug Lawsuit Ad

A new series of ads is running all over cable television lately asking you to call their number now so they can sue, sue, sue everyone over your testosterone side effects. One particular ad in this bunch of ambulance-chaser shills says that if you suffered complications from testosterone use, you should call 1-800-BAD-DRUG, and then they say that possible problems include heart attack, stroke, and death. But if you’re dead, how are you supposed to cash in? I think they need to let us know how to do it just in case we die and want some cash.

So for people who have died from testosterone treatments, they need a special ad. And this spot should say that if you died from testosterone therapy, you should haunt a psychic or spiritual medium until they call 1-800-BAD-DRUG, and then they’ll dig up your grave and dump wads of cash in your casket with your corpse. And if you can’t get any psychics to call for you without trying to rip you off, then maybe you could find that ghost girl from the One Missed Call movies, and perhaps she’ll show you how to make phone calls from beyond the grave yourself, and then you can call. Or else maybe you could ask Sadako from Ringu to show you how to crawl out of a TV set, and you could contact them that way. You just can’t let a chance like this pass you by!

Monday, April 28, 2014

Activia Shakira Ad

This new Activia ad begins by showing the Activia logo with a smile forming out of fairy dust underneath and the voiceover asking: “Do you know what happens when you eat Activia every day?” (Seeing as how Activia is the yogurt that makes you poop, I’m thinking you might poop. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves here.) Then we see a woman’s mouth eating a spoonful of yogurt, and then we cut to what looks like the sparkly fairy dust from the smile at the beginning swirling down into a lush forest scene with a bunch of Shakira clones, and they all get up and start dancing. So I guess they’re telling us that if we eat Activia every day, we’ll get an army of miniature Shakiras dancing down our intestines and out our bowels? That’s really what it looks like they’re suggesting here, so don’t blame me for the imagery: I didn’t make this ad!

Um, I don’t know how I feel about having an army of pop star clones dancing down my bowels and out my butt, but at least it’s a novel concept to attract customers. I’ll bet TMZ reporters will try eating Activia non-stop and filming their bowel movements just in case this commercial is honest and accurate!

Hmm, Shakira must eat a lot of salads for it to be so green down in her digestive tract. While she’s down there, I wonder if she could give everyone a colonoscopy and help us avoid all that discomfort at the doctor later on? Then Activia would be doubly good for our insides!

Gee, I hope Shakira’s not wearing spike heels while she (and her army of clones) dances down our intestines; otherwise: ouch! (She’s got bare feet in this spot, mercifully for her own digestive tract, but would she do the same for the rest of us? I’m not so sure I'd want to go dancing down anyone’s colon barefooted, so I could hardly blame her if she thought better of it.)

Here’s the belly dancing spot: