Friday, July 31, 2015

The Hillary Clinton International Airport

If there’s one reason I’d like to see Hillary Clinton elected as the President of the United States it’s because I’d love to see an airport named after her. And in this airport named for her, all of the arrivals and departures screens would be blank, completely devoid of information. And when travelers would ask the personnel at the airport why the information is missing, the personnel would say: “What do you mean? I don’t see any missing information. You probably just need glasses.” And when people complained to the FAA, the FAA would say that anyone who complained must be a liar, and they should be barred from flying.

Thursday, July 30, 2015

Things I learned from Big Hero 6

I love Big Hero 6, but there are a few things I learned from this movie I was not expecting:

1.) Ban tech colleges: they’re just accidents waiting to happen, with evil professors bent on revenge.

2.) Do not allow science fairs: nerds will only develop things that will be stolen and used by dastardly villains.

3.) Never try to save anyone from a fire: you’ll only ever be killed, and your invention will be perverted by your little brother to kill.

4.) Only use your own family in teleportation experiments. That guy in the movie The Fly used himself as an experimental subject: bad idea. Use your family members! If it doesn’t work, you’ll never have to listen to them rub it in that you’re a failure. And the more you fail the less you’ll have to hear about it from your family.

5.) Robots can remove their programming card and still act the same, despite an earlier scene showing this to be impossible. (Near the end, robot Baymax sends Hiro back with Dr. Callaghan's daughter, and after it's all over, we see that it sent back the medical programming card in its launchable fist. Without that card, how did it care enough to save anyone?) Plus, robots still operate functions after being shut down. (Hiro said he was satisfied with his care, shutting down Baymax, but afterwards it shot the fist off anyway.)

6.) Apparently it's easier to create a new team of superheroes with all new superhero equipment and capabilities than it is to make a new headset to control your own microbots that you invented the technology for. Strange. I guess geniuses only want to crack new problems and not rehash stuff they already know how to solve, huh? His choice.

Great movie! Fun unintended messages! Interesting, baffling plot holes! Rousing music!

See it!

Ted Cruz Logo

I keep hearing people say the 2016 Ted Cruz logo is a flame. To me, it looks like a tear, and he’s crying the American flag. Maybe he’s mourning his inevitable loss, or the loss of the country as he sees it values-wise? Maybe it’s just me, but I kind of think a campaign logo should be positive in nature. Unless he’s for pot legalization, and the logo is meant to be the flame from a lighter proclaiming the new US of THC: could that be it?

Hillary Logo

POLITICO has an article that assesses the relative merits or crappiness of 2016 presidential campaign logos. And it’s funny, because the one for Hillary shows designers/critics saying, on the one hand: “It embodies all the best qualities of the Obama “O”, yet goes to another symbolic level: the future lies ahead, and H (Hillary) will take the country forward.”

Um, I’m not going to list their negatives because I think they miss the point. But first of all, the Obama “O” is one of the best campaign logos of all time, and a great piece of graphics work. The Hillary “H” is not. But one thing I can say is to look at the color of the arrow in the “H” logo: it’s red, isn’t it? And what’s the color of the Republican Party? It’s red, isn’t it? And what direction does the arrow go? To the right, right? And what direction is the Republican Party ideologically? To the right, right? And what’s a major criticism of Hillary from Democrats? She’s not left-wing enough, right? And so to me, the visual language of the design says: “Hillary will move us to the right (from where we are now).”

Everyone see why I’m reading it this way? Her campaign could have avoided this issue easily had they made the arrow dark blue rather than red, and maybe used red in the white part of the “H” instead. Then there’s no way to misread it, unless you read from right to left. And lots of people do, so obviously this logo seeks to discriminate against people who read right to left: I’m so offended! I hope she’ll apologize soon, because if you’re not apologizing, you’re not really speaking to the values and sensitivities of today’s Americans, right?

But what Hillary’s 2016 campaign logo really ought to be is this:

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Here’s the POLITICO article about the campaign logos:

Monday, July 27, 2015

Rogaine Batman Serial Ad (Joke/Proposed)

TCM is showing the 1940s serial Batman and Robin once a week recently, and the current episode made me think of Rogaine. You see, there's some super-smart bald scientist, and the villain, the Wizard, wants his special detonators for some newfangled explosives or whatever. So the Wizard's henchmen capture said bald scientist, and he won't give up the detonators, and they try to get him to do so. But how to get him to give up the secret detonators? Yes, here's how:

The bad guys have our hero bald scientist captured, and they try to get him to give them what they want, but he says no, so they try to bargain with him, and he says: "What could you possibly have that I want?" Oh, but then the bad guys (in 1940s suits and hats) say: "Hair!" Then they remove their fedoras to reveal long, thick, almost 1980s style metal hair, saying: "Wouldn't you like to have a long, flowing, full head of hair?" Then our hero scientist says: "Yes, I want it, you fiends! Anything... I'll give you anything...!" And then the villains toss him a bottle of Rogaine, and the scientists catches it, saying: "I've heard about this. It regrows hair! I've got to have it ... at any price!" And so our no-longer hero scientists gives the bad guys what they want, and all for the promise of more hair.

Then an announcer walks in front of the screen and says: "Isn't it nice that we live in a time where we can get Rogaine to regrow hair without betraying society to get it? Yes, now you can regrow your hair without having to give away secret weapons to super villains, believe it or not."

Then, as a tag, we could see Batman pull off his mask/hood to reveal a bald head, and he could say: "Really? I can? Where can I get it?"

Grill "I've Gotta Beef with You" Ad

A man is grilling steaks on his grill, the smell of which attracts the attentions of his tough-looking neighbor, who smell it from next door. Then his tough-looking neighbor knocks on his gate and motions for him to come talk to him. When our heroic griller opens the door to the gate, the neighbor says: "I've gotta beef with you!" Our hero griller is visibly dismayed, asking why his neighbor is mad, and his neighbor says: "No, not I've got a beef with you; I've gotta beef with you!" Then the neighbor pulls a platter of hamburgers and steaks from behind his back, and says: "I don't have a grill, bro... May I join you?" And then our hero invites his neighbor to grill his beef with him, and the announcer chimes in, saying: "Have a beef with your neighbor's grill? Then get your own grill from (whatever company)! It's fast, it's easy, it's affordable! Get all the grilling fun you've always dreamed of at (whatever company)!"

Phake Shake

My sister's house needs reroofing, so they're looking at prospective replacements that are similar to the cement shakes they have currently. But now new regulations say the roof materials must be made of such and such, and everything is synthetic now.

And with such a system, shouldn't there be a product called: "Phake Shake"? I mean, every product must be misspelled in some way to justify a trademark, like Foam Kor™, for example. So isn't the most logical solution: "Phake Shake"?

I mean, come on: we all know it's fake by now anyway, so why not just go with it?

The Scott Walker Walker

We all know that the demographic for the Republican Party skews a bit older than the Democratic Party's does. That's why Fox News always advertises catheters and stuff. So, since all the 2016 presidential candidates have a bunch of swag supporters can buy, and with this generation gap in mind, why doesn't Scott Walker sell walkers for seniors, but festooned with campaign materials, called the Scott Walker Walker? It could be non-union made in some sweatshop (which I'll bet is the case for everyone's swag, actually), and it could have a big Scott Walker for President 2016 banner in the front. That's the Scott Walker Walker: Buy one, use it, and see if your senior discount still applies everywhere you go!

Cocoa Metro Slogan

I've recently stumbled upon the best chocolate milk I've ever had: Cocoa Metro's Belgian Chocolate. But their slogan, printed on the bottle, and followed by the ™ trade mark symbol, says: "You can fire your therapist."

But this chocolate milk is so addictive, everyone will become hooked instantly, and with no addiction therapy, we'll all go insane! Plus, what about all the Belgian Chocolate drinkers who need therapy for other things? Oh, my God: they'll run wild in the streets! Kleptomaniacs will steal all the Cocoa Metro Belgian Chocolate, and without it, hypochondriacs will imagine they're dying without it, arsonists will burn down every store and restaurant, and psychotics will all be on the loose everywhere attacking and killing everyone in sight in the hopes that they may be in possession of some of that delicious Cocoa Metro Belgian Chocolate drink they so desperately desire! Oh, the humanity!

Plus, with all the therapists out of work, the unemployment ranks will swell, the economy will sputter and tank, tax revenue will dry up, and law enforcement and even the armed forces will go on strike from not being payed! There will be no one to protect us! Society will crumble into chaos, and all because Cocoa Metro makes the best chocolate milk ever made, and then created such an irresponsible slogan to go with such an addictive product! (The FDA should act to save us from such a delicious delirium! But only after this syndrome is added to the DSM-5, and government mandates are set to keep people seeing their therapists as needed despite this company's pernicious product marketing.)

And with no therapy anymore, pretty soon there will be people thinking they're chocolate milk vampires, attacking everyone with their teeth hoping they've got Cocoa Metro Belgian Chocolate flowing through their veins! And the dead will refuse to die without at least one final glass of warm Cocoa Metro Belgian Chocolate chocolate milk to send them off to their final rest. Have you seen 28 Days Later? Well, it will be worse than that!

With a broken-down society, aliens will see their chance, invade, and take over!

Quick, someone stop them from making such delicious chocolate milk before it's too late!

(You know, as good as Cocoa Metro Belgian Chocolate chocolate milk is, and with this slogan they've chosen, obviously to collapse society, I think they must be some kind of gourmet band of jewel thieves. I mean isn't it obvious what their plan is? First, corrupt society with their delicious chocolate milk drink, then encourage everyone to evade therapy, and then, when society collapses and the cops are busy dealing with all the resultant issues, they rob all the jewelry stores and all the homes of stars and aristocrats who own the best jewelry in the world. Who would ever suspect? What a clever plan! What absolute masterminds!)

(Okay, just kidding about the flights of fancy; but they do make the best chocolate milk I've ever had.)

Sunday, July 26, 2015

Lott's Wife Brand Salt

Yes, it's Lott's Wife Brand Salt! It's a figure of Lott's wife made of salt, and you grind it yourself for the best salt you've ever had every time!

That's Lott's Wife Brand Salt: Once you taste it, you'll never look back!

Mass Incarceration: The Movie

Yes, it's Mass Incarceration, the horror movie!

In this horrifying film for people who don't like to go to church, a religious fanatic who has decided that people don't go to church enough anymore fixes up an abandoned church, booby traps it, and then proceeds to abduct an unwilling "congregation" who can never leave, sitting through endless masses forever, and if they try to leave, they're killed horribly!

Is this their just punishment for being part of a godless society? Will any of them make it out alive? Will they be redeemed? Find out in the exciting horror thriller: Mass Incarceration!

Dr. Scholl's Paul Bunyan's Bunions Ad (Joke/Proposed)

Yes, Paul Bunyan was the toughest he-man stuffest lumberjack of all time. But he might not have been, if not for Dr. Scholl's! Yes, it's a little known fact that, while he changed his name so people wouldn't know (He was originally Paul Bunion), he had bunions, which might have ended his logging career. But, thankfully he had heard of Dr. Scholl's, and after using some boot insets, Paul Bunyan was back doing what he did best, chopping down trees! And so a legend was born, and all thanks to Dr. Scholl's!

And so Dr. Scholl's is responsible for all the logging that is not renewable, leading to climate change, thanks to their comfortable insoles! (I knew it!)

Okay, so maybe Paul Bunyan might not be the best advertising mascot for Dr. Scholl's. But only because environmentalists might complain about the ad. But if Paul Bunyan sicced Babe his Blue Ox on them, maybe they'd shut up, because it's an endangered animal, and as such, they're not allowed to harm it.

(BTW: According to this site, this is the 5,000th blog entry I've written. I've deleted some, but all-in-all, this is # 5,000. Wow, I never thought this would get that far.)

Blood Drive "Twilight" Ad?

In this (actually joke) ad for the blood drive, we could be nagged about how if we don't give blood, Bella and her vampire baby won't have anything to eat, since they don't want to predate on humans, and they'll starve to death.

(Or would nobody give blood so we could be rid of them?)

Saturday, July 25, 2015

By Request

The service On Demand seems like its name is a bit rude to me. If you demanded something of me, I might not want to give it to you. But if you asked for it nicely, I'd likely be more than happy to provide it. And so I think the service name: "By Request" might be a better name for a video service On Demand, or else a good name for a competing service.

Don't Bogart That Joint! (The Game Show for Millennials and Centennials!)

Roger Ebert, the film critic, wrote the super fun and silly Russ Meyer movie: Beyond the Valley of the Dolls, which contained the classic line: "Don't Bogart that joint!" But could millennials or centennials actually identify Humphrey Bogart from a lineup of classic movie actors? I don't know, but that's the premise of the new game show for millennials: "Don't Bogart That Joint!"

Here's how the game show works:

Five contestants, all millennials (or all centennials), are placed on a panel where they are each given a buzzer, and they are then shown five classic movie stars* all with joints Photoshopped into their mouths. Then, the one who press the buzzer first has to pick which one is Humphrey Bogart and then point and yell: "Don't Bogart the joint!" And as the game show goes on, it gets harder, with different versions of Humphrey Bogart in different ages (even as a baby!), and with makeup and stills from many different movie roles, up against other contemporary actors from similar ages and with similar makeup and stuff. If they choose correctly, they get a Humphrey Bogart box set of BluRays and a bunch of joints. (<Show taped in Colorado.)

Can you spot Humphrey Bogart and like to get high? Then this is the show for you!

(Of course, all contestants must be stoned to play. But, really: who would want to play a game like this if they weren't?)

* Possibilities of other movie stars are: James Cagney, Edward G. Robinson, Lyle Talbot, Warren William, Fredric March, Joel McCrea, Barton MacLane, George Raft, Paul Muni, Clark Gable, etc. And then, in harder rounds, newer actors, like even ones from the 1970s, are mixed in with Humphrey Bogart! They all smoked! (Maybe not pot...) But can you tell the difference?

(BTW: I am assuming most millennials do not know any classic movie actors, as they don't seem to like classic movies much. This would be a way to reward those that did with drugs. Oh, wait, maybe not so appropriate? OK, so maybe cigarettes so they can act like their favorite classic movie star? No? Really? You like the pot idea better? Okay, fine.)

Olde English 800 "Fantastic 40" Ad (Joke/Proposed)

The Fantastic Four, from the new movie, are trying to defeat Dr. Doom, but they can't. So they regroup, and rattled, they decide to share a 40 once Olde English 800 malt liquor. And once they're finished drinking it, they get a second wind, and they kick Dr. Doom's ass! Then the slogan says: "Olde English 800: the Fantastic 40!"

(Do you think they'd do an Olde English 800/Fantastic Four tie-in ad? No? They should.)

The Taxes Chainsaw Massacre

Yes, it's The Taxes Chainsaw Massacre, the horror movie for tax forms! This movie stars Rand Paul as "Tax Form Face", a vicious tax code killer who wears a 1040 tax form on his face (like Leatherface from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre wears a human skin mask on his face), and he hunts down the tax code so he can brutally murder it with his chainsaw.

This is based on the silly political ad from Rand Paul where he chainsaws the tax code:

House of the Seven Gables

It's the new reality show for the TCM crowd, it's: House of the Seven Gables!

Clark Gable is cloned seven times, and each clone is brainwashed to think they are in reality one of Clark Gable's greatest screen roles, like Rhett Butler from Gone with the Wind, the reporter Peter from It Happened One Night (His only Oscar!), rubber plantation manager Dennis Carson from Red Dust, racketeer Blackie Gallagher from Manhattan Melodrama, gambler, gold prospector and sled dog enthusiast Jack Thornton from Call of the Wild, big game hunter and ladies' man Victor Marswell from Mogambo, and over-the-hill cowboy Gay Langland from The Misfits (or whichever Clark Gable characters viewers want to see most!). Then they're all thrown into a house together as roommates with hidden cameras everywhere Big Brother-style! See all the tough-guy action that follows!

And since they're all clones of Clark Gable, they're all actually Clark Gable, but acting like different movie characters, and so viewers get to vote off the Gables they don't like one-by-one until only the ultimate Clark Gable movie characterization is left as the greatest Clark Gable movie role of all time! Who wouldn't watch that, if they love old movies?

Finally a reality show for your grandparents, it's: House of the Seven Gables, coming soon!

Stuntman Training Song

To the tune of "Roll Out the Barrel":

Roll like a barrel,
You'll have barrel of fun!
Roll like a barrel,
And you won't get injured none!

(TCM had some short feature about 1930s stuntmen, and they show these deadly-looking crashes and such, and then they slow down the film, saying that the stuntman knows that by going limp and rolling like a barrel, he won't be seriously injured. I know the above song is silly, but it's an easy way to remember what to do in such situations.)

Smiley Wipes

Are people always telling you to: "Wipe that smile off your face", but you can't, getting you into trouble? Then you need Smiley Wipes: the all natural way to wipe that smile off your face immediately, guaranteed!

Here's how it works: Smiley Wipes contains a very powerful numbing agent that relaxes those smile muscles immediately upon being wiped across the face. Side effects may include post-dentist-type drooling, loose lips that may sink ships, temporary trouble with speaking and swallowing, and bad breath.

When your hide depends upon removing that smile quickly, rely on the best smile remedy money can buy: Smiley Wipes! Clinically proven in comedy clubs and on political candidates during election campaign charm offenses!

That's Smiley Wipes: Wipe that smile off your face!

(The company that makes Bitter Yuck should consider making this for people.)

(I was watching some noir movie on TCM last night, and some tough guy character said to someone: "Wipe that smile off your face!" and it reminded me of all the times school bullies, teachers, my parents, etc., had said the same thing to me. But I couldn't always stop smiling, and I got in trouble. So that made me think of this product some people definitely need sometimes to wipe that smile off their face.)

Kashi James Bond Tie-In Ad (Joke/Proposed)

Kashi's slogan is: "7 whole grains on a mission", so I thought it might be fun to have a James Bond movie tie-in ad for Kashi where we see James Bond eating Kashi, and then after he leaves, the seven whole grains jump out of the cereal box and get together as some superhero spy team, and the slogan is: "007 whole grains on a mission". And once our heroic whole grains get going, they're fighting and defeating junk foods like cheese puffs and cookies and fast food hamburgers and chicken nuggets. And it might even be fun to have James Bond find himself addicted to junk food, so our 007 whole grains have to take their mission to save him from the evil junk food so he can save the world!

Friday, July 24, 2015

Kinko's "The Taxes Chainsaw Massacre" Ad

I'm guessing we've all seen Rand Paul's funny and silly tax code-threatening political ad where he destroys the tax code using fire, a wood chipper and a chain saw. Well, I could see this ad of his being put to use as a fun ad for a place like Kinko's, like so:

We see a Rand Paul stand-in, and he's shredding and pulverizing and chainsawing through thousands of pages of tax code, and the announcer says: "Whether you're photocopying 70,000 pages of tax code over and over again just to burn and shred and chainsaw it, or you're printing and photocopying a 10-page report, Kinko's is the place to get it done!" And halfway through the announcer's spiel, we see the video cut to a small business owner (or a student) photocopying and putting the finishing touches on their report.

Then they could add, as a tag: "We'll even shred or recycle the paper for you, if you'd like."

(BTW: That Rand Paul political ad where he chainsaws the tax code should edit out the other methods of destroying the tax code, leaving only the chainsaw method, and be retitled: "The Taxes Chainsaw Massacre". Maybe Rand Paul could wear a tax form over his face while he chainsaws all the tax code to be like a tax code version of Leatherface.)

Democratic Party Tax Code Revenge Rand Paul Ad

We've likely all seen the Rand Paul tax code ad, where he ruthlessly murders innocent (although ridiculously outmoded and ineffective, loophole-filled) tax codes on camera, attacking the current system. Well, I couldn't help but think of the opening Mr. Paul has left for Democrats who like the tax code. Yes, we could see a retort political ad where the tax code, printed up into a plethora of pages, as in Paul's political ad, attack him back to give him: "death by 1000 paper cuts" in retribution for all the tax codes and paper he murdered. Although, I suppose this whole scenario might just bite back and prove Rand Paul's point all over again: the tax code is ridiculously complex and pernicious.

(Okay, maybe they wouldn't want to make it after all due to the unintended message it sends.)

Cell Phone Lindsey Graham Ad (Joke/Proposed)

Lindsey Graham had a political ad in response to Donald Trump's phone number attack speech in the spirit of Rand Paul's recent tax code ad recently, and wow, what a door this opens up for cell phone ads! So here's one that comes to mind:

We see angry CGI animated cell phones (like character from a Pixar movie) watch Lindsey Graham's destruction of several cell phones in his political ad response to Donald Trump on TV, and the cell phones decide to band together to get revenge for their kind. Then we see them walking together in slow motion, movie tough guy style, like from Reservoir Dogs or The Wild Bunch, and they're a team of badass avengers out to get Lindsey Graham for his murder of innocent, defenseless cell phones.

And so we see this team of secret agent ninja avenger cell phones, and they're sneaking into Lindsey Graham's fortress, which is like Mr. Han's from Enter the Dragon, or that of some Bond villain, or some such thing, and they fight and neutralize all Lindsey Graham's evil cell phone-harming henchmen, who are all kicking around innocent cell phones for their sadistic pleasure (cell phones that are also CGI animated characters), and then our team makes it into the sanctum sanctorum (It's kind of like a Rick Santorum room, but themed for Lindsey Graham in his own personal villain fortress), where they find Lindsey Graham torturing cell phones with a merciless relish (and not the condiment kind!), and when they break in, he sees them and shouts: "You! I'l get you!" and Senator Graham grabs a Samurai sword (only a real, razor-sharp steel one, rather than the wooden practice one he used for his ad), looking to make quick work of these smarmy smartypants smartphones. But then our heroic cell phones show their dazzling martial arts skills and superpowers, beating Lindsey Graham senseless for his senseless cell phone slaughter, and at the end, when he's defeated and begging for mercy, one of the cell phones makes itself into a giant rectangle and falls on and crushes the vindictive villain like an enormous domino falling on him.

And then it's over: cell phones have gotten revenge and eradicated the scourge of smartphonity once and for all! And having prevailed, the ad trumpets that even the most entrenched of the powers that be are no match for the technological ingenuity of (whatever brand of) cell phones! And to get your own personal revenge against the lunacy of luddites, grab your own (whatever brand of) cell phone, and shake up the system!

Novel Novels

Two novels to be published soon are the first of their kind.

Shock: Sting, Stang, Stung, by Anna Phylactic, is the first novel ever to be written entirely in Epi-Pen.

Sugar Rush, by Dia Bedic, is the first novel ever written completely with an insulin pen.

These books are expected to do very well within certain new niche publishing demographics, hopefully opening the door to a whole new world of interest group micro-publishing.

Sunday, July 12, 2015

The Doctor Feelgood Mysteries

In The Doctor Feelgood Mysteries, our hero, Dr. Feelgood, investigates suspicious deaths due to drugs. But because he’s always prescribing lots of dangerous drugs to people on the sly for extra cash, he’s always the guilty party, so he has to railroad someone else for the death, like some low-level regional drug dealer he knows about from his druggie clients, or some low-level doctor who’s on to his elicit activities. And he always gets away with it, filling the prisons with innocent people, and killing them during routine medical exams when they’re about to be released from prison. (<He’s also the local volunteer prison physician) And being married to the Commissioner’s daughter doesn’t hurt his position either: as long as she’s happy with all the extra gifts, he’s beyond suspicion!

(This was inspired by The Doctor Blake Mysteries. Dr. Blake, for those who don't know, is always drunk or high or accusing innocent people of stuff and looking like a jerk. In fact, in last week's episode he didn't have adequate time to test some confiscated drugs the police had as evidence, so he just took them to see what would happen, and he got super wired. Then, since they had no evidence to charge the person in custody, he went and bought some more from a drug dealer to "replace" the evidence. Of course, he solved the case, but only in a script can someone do stuff like this and keep their job.)

Friday, July 10, 2015

Killer Book

Killer Book is the upcoming crime/horror thriller about an unhinged author who writes a brilliant children’s book, but when it gets rejected by every publishing house, he hunts down and kills everyone who rejected the book, killing them in horrible but fun and creative ways. Then he gets caught, after killing everyone who rejected the book, and because he is now famous through news coverage, the book is finally published, and the sensationalism drives book sales through the roof. But it’s actually a great book, and so everyone loves it, and public opinion shifts to where the murders are considered justifiable homicide (for depriving the public of this great book), and the author is released. But he’s actually a homicidal maniac at this point, so he just continues on his blood-soaked rampage, killing anyone and everyone who gets in his way in even the most minimal of ways. And every time he kills someone, he gets caught by the police (or the FBI), but when they realize who he is, they say their kids love his book, so it must be a case of mistaken identity, and so they release him (even though he’s actually guilty), and his serial killings continue unabated.

It’s all the frustrated writer/publisher punishing/serial killer action you can take, it’s: Killer Book, coming soon to a theater near you!

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Schweppes Djinn and Tonic Ad (Proposed)

Someone releases a Djinn, and when beckoned to make a wish, the person wishes for the most delicious gin and tonic in the whole world. The Djinn says: “That’s easy. Anyone could do this.” A gin and tonic appears in the person’s hand, and they taste it, saying (orgasmically): “Wow, this is so-o-o-o-o good! What’s the secret? I wish I knew!” Then the Djinn says: “As you wish,” and a bottle of Schweppes Tonic Water appears in the person’s other hand. Then the Djinn says: “Schweppes makes the finest tonic water, hence the best gin and tonic in the world. But that’s not a real wish, as anyone could have granted it. Make a true wish that’s more grandiose, please.” Then the person says: “I don’t know if I can get more grandiose than this…” as they take another sip of the gin and tonic, adding: “Mmmm!”

Monday, July 6, 2015

PopCoroners Crackers

Hey celebrity junk food addicts, it’s PopCoroners Crackers, the snack crackers shaped like celebrity coroners from TV news shows, like Dr. Michael Baden and Dr. Thomas Noguchi (and with scalpel and surgical mask shapes as well)! With natural flavors like formaldehyde, you’ll be dying for them!