Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Phazyme Gas Attack Ad

Well, this is a bit of a different angle on anti-gas remedies: ultra militarist. Yes, in this spot, we’re presumably inside someone’s stomach or intestines, and to fight the gas bubbles we have an old-style anti-battleship/anti-submarine mine on a chain, swinging around to “destroy” the gas. Well, I must say, this looks all gas-battle-y and all, but with explosive seafaring mines in our guts, won’t we end up with explosive diarrhea or something? I’m just not so sure this explosive metaphor is such a good one to use to recommend a product that’s supposed to calm your GI tract down. (Plus, what if that Phazyme intestinal mine breaks off its chain due to corrosion from stomach acid or something? That spiky ball mine thing looks like it might hurt if you had to poop it out, never mind how it would feel going down your intestines! I’m not so sure that doesn’t look even more painful than the gas!)

Here’s the explosive spot:

Monday, March 17, 2014

Russian Nuclear Winter

A Putin-backed Russian newscaster said Russia can turn America into radioactive dust. Yeah, um, so can America. And America could also do that to Russia if we wanted. Sound like fun, Mr. Propagandist?

But there’s one thing our prospective genocidal friends are not thinking about, and that’s this: Let’s say Russia does a first strike nuke attack on the United States and our forces do not retaliate by launching nuclear missiles back at them (as wildly unlikely as that scenario is). What would happen next?

Well, Russia is one of the coldest countries in the world, and they’d unleash a nuclear winter for years to come, making it impossible for them to grow any crops, and likely killing all their livestock. And I wonder how much the other countries of the world would want to help Russia if they did that to everyone? Not much, I’d guess. So either they’d all die in a retaliatory strike, or else they’d all starve and freeze to death. I mean, after they get all their glorious medals, parades and stuff.

Yes, keep up that saber-rattling, dumbass. Where I come from, people who make threats like that end up in the hospital, so keep it up: you may end up getting a lot more than you bargained for in your glorious nuclear genocide. Remember Mutual Assured Destruction? It turns out we don’t even need to strike back to guarantee that happens anymore. But don’t let that stop you from destroying yourselves.

We always hear about the Russian winter, and how it defeats the enemies of Russia: well, wait until it’s a nuclear winter and it’s way worse than ever before. Then it would even defeat the Russians, and by their own hand, ironically.

(The fact is, America loves the Russian people, but Russians are sadly misinformed by their propaganda news to think we’re still their enemies. Oh, well. I hope that comforts them when their government decides to destroy their -- and our -- future.)

News Channels Teaching Terrorists Again

In the big rush to be the one to grab the ratings for the missing Malaysian airliner story, news channels are once again turning to the dubious strategy of helping educate terrorists by teaching all their viewers (on worldwide channels) how to accomplish extremely specialized tasks like turning off commercial airliner transponders and flight-tracking systems, apparently unaware that this information could help active and potential terrorists hijack airplanes in the future.

Well, I guess with the government spying on everyone else, there are only a limited number of people who can safely pass critical information to terrorists without anyone being punished for it, so I guess the news people have taken this task upon themselves, thinking someone ought to do it. (Or maybe they’re too dunderheaded to see that’s what they’re doing?)

This is sadly an illustrious tradition in the American news. Whenever a terrorist plot is prevented, the news tells us what the plan was, how the terrorists got caught, what they should have done to not get caught, and what future terrorists ought to do to succeed in the same plan. That makes them material supporters of terrorism, if critical information and tutoring is considered material support. If I did that, I’d be in jail, and so would you if you did it. But I guess the NSA is too busy spying on all of us to notice what’s happening right out in the open.

Thrash Metal Bands Drool Over Possible New Cold War

As a new Cold War appears imminent, old guard thrash metal bands like Metallica, Megadeth, Nuclear Assault, etc., are chomping at the bit for a chance to be relevant again. And it’s not hard to see why. After all, it’s been years since they’ve had any new material anyone wants to see them play at live concerts anymore, and as such, it’s only natural they’d want to turn to their glory days. And what did they play in their glory days? Why, it was songs about the threat of nuclear war!

So while we may all die again in a Cold War, at least we have one thing to look forward to: new songs from these bands that are great for the first time in years! In fact, maybe this will lead to a whole new thrash metal renaissance (one of my favorite forms of music!).

Data Analysis Software Psycho Analyst Ad

In watching the news this weekend, one of the news channels had a psychoanalyst on to give her opinion on some news story, but they credited her as a: “psycho analyst”. Well, that made me worry for their safety, but it also made me wonder: “What would make an analyst psychotic?” And then I thought this might make a fun ad for some data analysis software.

So the ad would say: “Does your analytical software make you into a psycho analyst?” And accompanying this headline would be a picture of someone stabbing their laptop computer with a big Psycho kitchen knife. And the tagline would say to cure you of being psychotic, break from your current software, and get the easy-to-use (whatever system)!

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Putin’s Cream of Mushroom Cloud Soup

It’s the only mushroom soup with the delicious irradiated meat from nuked conquered peoples (talk about meat so tender it falls off the bone!): It’s Putin’s Cream of Mushroom Cloud Soup!

With mushrooms grown secretly away from the disinfecting sunlight, under the nuclear missiles of Russia’s treaty-violating new nuclear armaments, and cooked in the mushroom clouds of Putin’s nuclear strikes, you’ll never get a more creamy cloud of mushroom flavor than Putin’s Cream of Mushroom Cloud Soup!

Try Putin’s Cream of Mushroom Cloud Soup: It may be the last soup you’ll ever eat! (And not because you like it.) It radiates flavor throughout your mouth!

That’s Putin’s Cream of Mushroom Cloud Soup: It’s mmm-mmm-AAAAAAAAAAA!

Here’s the mushroom cloudy story:

Friday, March 14, 2014

BBC World News: Divine Women

The miniseries Divine Women on BBC World News this weekend delves into the issue of women’s roles in creating world religions. I think the idea is that women were instrumental in the founding of the great religions of the world, but they don’t get credit for it.

Wow, a system of strictures encouraging men to deny their natural tendencies toward violence, greed, aggression, selfishness, philandering, drinking, gambling, laziness, bragging, lying, cheating, hogging the TV remote, etc.: how could anyone think women had anything to do with such a thing? (The mind boggles at the suggestion.)

Actually, I think the greatest accomplishment of this system was to trick men into believing they had thought of this stuff themselves, and by showing this TV miniseries, they’re going to let the cat out of the bag about what’s really been going on all along: not a good idea! (Maybe once we see this, men will all see how they’ve been conned, and they’ll start a new religion based upon machismo, penis size, sports and alcoholic beverage consumption. {Or, wait; maybe they’ve secretly done that already?})

Spelling Hints from Word Processors?

I have complained many times about how my word processor and computer dictionary don’t help me with my spelling. They just say it’s wrong, and refuse to help me. Shouldn’t they aid me in my spelling like Google does with their suggestions? And I know Google probably owns that, so word processors would have to use another method or get sued, so how about using the “warm” and “cold” method, like in hide and seek? If you try to correct the spelling, but it only makes it worse, it could say: “You’re getting colder…” Oh, but if you’re almost right, but not quite, in your attempt to re-spell the word, it could say: “You’re getting warmer…” At least then it would be a fun and challenging word game that might even make us remember how to spell words, as opposed to the “ignore them and maybe they’ll go away” approach they use now. (No, seriously: these word processors must know how to spell the words correctly, or else how would they know we’re spelling them wrong to begin with? Or maybe they’re just trying to make us feel stupid by claiming we’re spelling things wrong when we’re not. {BTW: They do that too, a lot, due to the limited resource dictionaries they apparently use.} Yeah, if you’re so smart, word processor spell check, then show us how to spell it, rather than acting all smug and know-it-all-y, you jerks. {We used to beat up nerds who acted like this in middle school, so pretty soon someone’s going to do an after school malware attack on you in lieu of a wedgie, you pompous world processors, take my word for it! [Although you’d probably claim my word for it is misspelled just to push my buttons for a change!*]})

As it happens now, I have to misspell my words online into Google to get the correct spelling. (Remember how teachers used to tell you to look a word up when you couldn’t spell it? Yeah, that’s no help either, is it, unless you guess right.)

* Yes, my word processor claimed the word “wedgie” is misspelled. (As if it never had one.)

“Doctored” Documents

How come whenever documents are altered to make them dishonest or incomplete, they are said to be “doctored”? Last I checked, most doctors are honest and helpful, and they try to save people. (Okay, admittedly not Dr. Doom, Dr. Evil, or Dr. Satan, but I don’t think they’re actually board certified physicians.)

Shouldn’t this process of maliciously/dishonestly altering documents be called “lawyering”, or maybe “politicianing” or “punditing”? After all, lawyers and politicians and pundits are well-known liars and con artists, as it’s their job to misdirect people. So then shouldn’t we give credit where credit is due, and stop bashing the doctors? I mean, they justly get bashed in horror and science fiction for their attempts to create races of atomic supermen and their continual efforts to conquer the world, so aren’t they disparaged enough for their actual crimes to be immune from being associated with other crimes they’re innocent of?

But seriously, doesn’t a doctored document sound like one that was missing something vital that got transplanted back in so it was complete, or a document that was somehow corrupted that was cured of this corruption? So this whole idea of doctoring seems counter-intuitive to me to refer to something designed to mislead. Unless they want to specify plastic surgery: then it would be absolutely appropriate! (<Like to say a document got a facelift, a factual liposuction, or a PR boob job.)

New Cold War to End Global Warming?

We all know that the end of the Cold War is the reason for climate change due to global warming. The coldness of the Cold War kept the climate from heating up: that’s just common sense. I mean, it was the “Cold War”, so naturally it kept the Earth cool. But once the Cold War ended, the globe began to warm. (Look at the data and you’ll see that it’s true!) That’s why it’s imperative we start a new Cold War. You know, to save the planet.

No, really: think about it. A new Cold War will cool the globe down again just like it was during the last Cold War, because that’s why it’s called a “Cold” War: because it’s cold, like a refrigerator; and like a refrigerator, it will cool everything down: that’s just science. Plus, if we accidentally happen to enter into a nuclear war, that will create a nuclear winter, and that will cool the globe down too. So it’s a win-win, really, when you think about it.

So no matter what happens, so long as we have a new Cold War, or even a nuclear war, everybody wins. Because isn’t climate change the most pressing issue of our time? We keep hearing it is, so it must be. And that means we must solve it at any cost. And as it happens, a new Cold War or a nuclear war will cost us plenty. But so long as it reverses global warming, isn’t it worth it, in the long run, for the Terminators and sentient bacteria and viruses that will live in the world we leave behind? (And surely all the mutated inhabitants of Planet Earth in the future will all bow down in reverence to their patron saint, Russian President Vladimir Putin: the man who made their irradiated, mutated lives possible, and stopped global warming with his new Cold War and upcoming nuclear winter.)

Yes, I’m afraid that to reverse global warming, the green movement is going to have to get all charred and irradiated. But isn’t it worth it, to save the planet? (If you say no, you’re just a global warming denier. Or maybe a narcissist.)

So don’t worry about a new Cold War: it’s good for the environment!

(Just kidding! We’re all going to die. But the Earth will survive long after us and actually doesn’t care whatsoever what temperature it is: a relief, I’m sure, to my environmentalist friends who keep saying humanity is killing the planet and must be eradicated for the good of Mother Earth. {No really: I know many people who say this kind of thing continuously. Maybe they’ll be happy when we finally destroy ourselves, but I won’t. And while all the rest of this post is a joke, this last part is sadly true. But hopefully they don’t really mean it.})

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Beyoncé Sex Blame Détante

Recently, because there’s no decent evening news program anymore, I found myself channel-surfing, and I landed on Bill O’Reilly essentially blaming Beyoncé for teen sex because she sings sexy songs and makes sexy music videos. I’m not sure where I’ve heard this before*, but I think I know the perfect way for Beyoncé to deflect these accusations: make pro bono (hee, hee) PSAs where she encourages her fans to use contraceptives responsibly so that they can empower their lives and be free of the responsibility of caring for unintended family members (and also so they avoid STDs, another limiting factor in life).

Her PSAs could show her sexist video-type stuff, and have her say: “Guys, do you want this? Then you have to wear a condom. And ladies, if you want the guys, you have to be prepared with your own birth control, because we all know how guys like to forget about stuff like that.” You know, that kind of thing. Then it would be a lot harder to blame her for anything, except to bitch about being outraged for stuff that was going to happen anyway.

But don’t let this idea of mine stop you from blaming Beyoncé for teen sex. In fact, if it weren’t for her, surely no one would ever have sex again! And no one ever would have before, either. (When I was a teenager, there was no music encouraging sexual promiscuity, except maybe Led Zeppelin, AC/DC, the Bee Gees, Chic, Bob Seeger, and I guess everyone else who we heard on the radio or otherwise. But don’t let that deter you from blaming Beyoncé, because, um, we can’t exactly blame those other guys anymore: after all, they’re all like 60 years-old by now, and no one wants to sleep with them anymore!)

* No, wait: I remember now! Um, Elvis, the Beatles, and every rock band and pop group after that, and even before then, too. It was the same moral outrage from the adults against young people having fun, and it will never change for as long as humans exist as a species.

Teen Suing Parents Condom Ads?

We’ve all heard by now of the New Jersey teen suing her parents. Apparently she wants money, and she doesn’t want to follow her square parents’ rules.

Well, I can think of a way where maybe she could get money and drop the legal action against her parents: pitch condom ads to young people using herself as an example of why they should avoid pregnancy! Because if you don’t practice safe sex, you might end up with a kid who sues you and embarrasses you nationally just because they’re a spoiled brat.

And I know it might not give her the best press, but it’s not like she’s getting good press now anyway, so why not use her 15 minutes of fame to cash in? (Everyone else does…)

Here’s the truant tale: