Thursday, October 27, 2016

Marathon Man: Part 2

In this thrilling sequel to Marathon Man, Dustin Hoffman’s Babe receives a massive bill from Laurence Olivier’s Szell for dental services performed in the first movie. It is revealed that during the events of the first film, Szell, the escaped Nazi war criminal, has an actual dental practice to distract from his evil escapades, and to cover his tracks just in case Dustin Hoffman’s Babe ever escaped and went to the police, Szell had entered Babe into his appointment book at his practice and noted that he had seen him and had performed extensive and much needed dental work on our hero. And since Szell died at the end of Marathon Man, nobody is left who can attest to the facts of the case (except our hero, who has not paid the bill, so nobody believes him), and as it turns out, when Szell died and his practice closed, all of his outstanding bills were turned over to a bill collections agency, and having gotten everyone else to pay up, Dustin Hoffman’s character is the only one left on the list, with an enormous unpaid bill for them to collect. And wouldn’t you know it, but our hero’s dental insurance refuses to pay the bill because he was not specifically covered under their tortured by escaped Nazi war criminals who torture you by drilling your teeth out plan: a plan they offer, but our hero decided he probably would never need to be covered for such a thing, so he didn’t sign up for it. (That just goes to show you: you should always get every insurance policy offered to you just in case! Brought to you by Geico! Just kidding.)

So what happens is just what you’d expect: Nazi war criminals always hire the most brutal bill collectors, and so these guys chase Dustin Hoffman around everywhere he goes trying to collect the bill; and when they finally catch him, they torture him by breaking his kneecaps and other assorted varieties of persuasion methods to get him to pay, saying each time: “Is it paid? Is it paid? We’ll stop doing this to you when you can tell us it is paid.” So finally our hero agrees to pay, but he says he needs to go to the bank. So he gets the money to pay the bill in a giant sack of quarters and arranges to meet the bill collectors in an abandoned sewage treatment plant, where he dumps the quarters onto their heads, causing the quarters to all bounce onto the floor and into the untreated sewage, where our bad guy bill collectors, after weighing themselves down with pockets full of quarters, dive in to get the rest and they all drown in raw sewage. And our hero, triumphant once more, exits the facility and walks down the street. The End.

(Or is it the end? Because the collections agency never hears from their agents again, and they keep hounding our hero with threatening phone calls and demanding payment this time in untraceable diamonds, and…)

(You know: I wonder. If you needed to hire a dentist to torture someone for you like in Marathon Man, would your dental insurance cover that, or would you need a new policy? Szell did it himself, but what if you needed that sort of thing done and you’re not a skilled torturing dentist? Is that covered? It is dental work, after all…)

New Gym in the Star Trek Enterprise

The Starship Enterprise has a new gym: The “He’s Dead Gym”. (Dr. McCoy was always saying: “He’s dead, Jim!” in the original Star Trek TV show.)

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

“Race” Cars Smash-Up Derby Political Ad (Proposed)

Cars representing different racial groups in America smash into each other in a demolition derby, and the announcer says we should stop bashing each other based on race in America.

The Polarization Bear

The Polarization Bear is a polar bear who is so mad at humanity for melting the Arctic that he moves to America to make everyone hate each other based on extreme partisanship. And what do you know: everyone falls for it! And the Polarization Bear laughs at how silly and stupid humans are for not only destroying his home through climate change, but their own as well through the hatred of hyper partisanship.

(Maybe the Polarization Bear can be our new national mascot, replacing Uncle Sam.)

DNC Political Party Game: Bump the Trump in the Rump

This is a party game for Democrats that’s a lot like Pin the Tail on the Donkey, but it’s called Bump the Trump in the Rump. Someone puts on a Trump wig and stands facing an open door bent over slightly with their hindquarters sticking out towards the players. Then, one at a time, each player is blindfolded, spun around three times, and pointed towards the Trump character. And the object of the game is to find the Trump and kick him in the rump, out the door and out of the party. Hours of fun for all!

Military Operation: The Board Game

This fun board game, similar to the classic board game Operation, has an electrified board that is an aerial view of a city somewhere, and the object of the game is to make “surgical strikes” on different parts of the board with a pen that looks like a smart bomb. Hit your target perfectly, and you score! Touch the smart bomb on either side of the target, and you kill innocent women, children, refugees, hospitals, schools, wedding ceremonies, family homes, outdoor markets: you get the idea. And if you fail to accurately make a surgical strike, you lose, and the UN condemns you for war crimes. But if you don’t want to play, the world asks why America isn’t solving the world’s problems for them. Either way, you lose, even if you win! Fun for the whole family!

Bipartisan Monopoly: The Board Game

It’s Bipartisan Monopoly, the board game for the whole family! Play in teams against each other as Democrats and Republicans, and make sure to make election rules that disenfranchise third-party candidates so only a Democrat or a Republican can win! Next, make sure everyone thinks you all hate each other over partisan policy differences (even though you’re all the best of friends in real life) so the voters will all hate each other for your benefit. Then, run for Congress against each other: if you win, you win, and you make tons of corrupt money in government; and if you lose, you win, because then you can become a lobbyist and make tons of corrupt money with the government via all your friends in government! Then, run against each other again and switch places, making even more corrupt money in the process! It’s years of fun for the whole family! Everybody wins (except the American People and third parties) when you play Bipartisan Monopoly!

Rig the Election: The Video Game!

Yes, it’s the Rig the Election Video Game, where players try to rig the US Presidential Election for their preferred party or candidate! Play as a Democrat; play as a Republican! (Sorry: no playing as a third-party candidate, as the system is already rigged against them!) Play alone, or with friends, or with teams playing against each other to rig the election!

First, get the news media to be a bunch of dishonest partisan shills for your side! Then, get all the political comedy shows to smear the other side’s candidate while kissing ass to yours! Everyone who watches TV will surely be brainwashed into voting for your candidate!

Next limit voter registration to exclude people unlikely to vote for your candidate! Then limit early voting after a storm so people can’t get to the polls! And then, try to trick or intimidate people at the polls, telling them they’re not allowed to vote!

Then register dead people to vote and encourage them to vote again and again and again, using disguises such as fake mustaches and hats and such, and make sure to ferry them around town to different polling places!

You’re almost halfway to victory, but make sure you still try to secretly reprogram Diebold voting machines so no mater which candidate voters select, it always indicates they voted for your candidate! Then, make sure all the machines are old and easy to hack; and be sure they’re all attached to the internet for easy hacking access! Then hack them to make sure your candidate wins!

And don’t forget to dump all those absentee ballots in the trash so they can never be counted!

And if, after all that, your side still loses, then sue and get your father’s buddies on the Supreme Court to overturn the result! But if you win, say the other side has to accept the sham result, you know, for the good of the country.

It’s hours of fun for the whole family, making everyone hate each other who used to love each other, it’s: Rig the Election: The Video Game! Get yours wherever shyster type things are sold!

Also buy Gerrymandering: The Video Game at the same fine stores!

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Donald Trump Big League Chew Ad?

Big League Chew is a kind of bubble gum for kids sold in a plastic tin like Skoal or Kodiak chewing (really dipping) tobacco, and basing their name and marketing on the rampant chewing tobacco use of Major League Baseball in years past. And because Donald Trump loves to say: “Big League” all the time, to the extent that even John Oliver covered it this past Sunday, I think Donald Trump should make ads for Big League Chew. Especially since after the election, he’s probably going to need a job.

The Cursive Frankenstein

(This is obviously a joke on the title of The Curse of Frankenstein)

In this thrilling horror movie, The Cursive Frankenstein, the Frankenstein monster is created and, rejected by his creator, he escapes into the countryside, where he is taken in by an unemployed, elderly elementary school teacher who teaches the monster to write in the cursive handwriting style. After the unemployed teacher dies due to age and a lack of benefits and food, the monster strikes out on his own, armed now with the ability to write and speak. But when the monster finds out that schools aren’t teaching kids to write in cursive anymore, he flies into a rage and throws a school policy administrator into a lake, drowning him (instead of a child, like in Frankenstein). Then the monster attacks and occupies an elementary school, where he lets all the kids go and attacks all teachers and school administrators who try to oust him. Then the community, in an uproar, and misunderstanding the reason for the monster’s rage, storm the school with torches and pitchforks and burn the school to the ground. The End.

Oh, but the monster does not die, but like in The Bride of Frankenstein, he falls from the burning school and into an underground natural spring. And so in this sequel, The Revenge of Cursive Frankenstein, the monster, inspired by the idea of burning something down after the townspeople burn down an elementary school with him in it, finds out where the school district keeps all their budget money, and he threatens to burn it down with all their money going up in smoke if they refuse to start teaching cursive writing again. Well, naturally the policy people refuse, and so he burns it all down, causing massive budget cuts in education in addition to loss of one of the only elementary schools left being burned down in the last move by the townspeople. The End.

And, then, of course, there’s The Bride of Cursive Frankenstein, where Doctor Frankenstein builds a female monster for himself as a new girlfriend once his wife leaves him over his unethical experiments. Oh, but the monster meets her, and seeing his beautiful handwriting, she falls in love with the monster, and Doctor Frankenstein commits suicide in despair. (Or does he just fake his death for the sequel? {I’ll never tell! Or will I? Maybe I will for the next sequel: Cursive Frankenstein Must Be Destroyed, where Dept. of Education officials decide to nuke the town to rid themselves of admitting fault for all the horror of The Cursive Frankenstein movies that only happened because of their decision to cut education as a first, rather than last, resort, just like they nuked the town in Return of the Living Dead, causing the zombie infestation to go nationwide. Oh, but our government would never make anything worse via a military intervention, now would they? Of course not!})

(I actually never used cursive writing much myself, finding handwritten print to be faster personally. But I had to learn it in elementary school: we all did; so why shouldn’t every kid nowadays have to go through the same crap of learning two written styles of English the language? How are people supposed to read old handwritten documents if they don’t know cursive writing? A lot of it looks like scrawl. I’ll bet Lin-Manuel Miranda knew it when he did research for his groundbreaking musical Hamilton.)

Storage Steven Wright Ad (Proposed)

(This is one from my old portfolio from like 16 years ago. I just found it again reorganizing files, so I thought I’d share it. I’ll share more later too.)

The spot opens with a clip of Steven Wright telling his amazing joke: “You can’t have everything; where would you put it all?” Then the picture would cut to the front of a storage facility, and the announcer would say: “Here! You could put it all here.” Then they could tout what a great reputation they have, what a great facility it is, how much space they have, etc. And then at the end they say: “See? You really can have everything!”

(A clip of this joke used to be on YouTube a few years ago, but it’s gone now.)

Monday, October 24, 2016

Rubbermaid Halloween Ad (Joke/Proposed)

We see the scene in Frankenstein where Fritz drops the brain in the glass jar and it shatters on the floor, and the announcer chimes in, saying Rubbermaid Tupperware containers are easy to grip, but if you drop them, they won’t break, crack or spill. Then we cut to a scene of the Frankenstein monster, and he’s intelligent and civil, because Fritz didn’t ruin the brain by dropping a glass container.

This would also work for the scene in The Curse of Frankenstein where Victor Frankenstein and Paul, his assistant, fight over the brain in a glass container and it smashes against the wall. Then we would cut to show them fighting over the brain, but it’s fine anyway, protected by a trusty Rubbermaid Tupperware container.

And the announcer could say more mad scientists trust Rubbermaid than any other brand to protect and carry their specimens. And we’d see a laboratory with stacks of Rubbermaid Tupperware containers full of things like brains and eyeballs and such.