Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Subaru Environmental T-Shirts Ad

There’s a new commercial for Subaru where they show a bunch of different people wearing green-agenda-driven T-shirts, and then they say they understand why you drive a Subaru, etc. (As though a Subaru is any better for the planet than any other car! Yeah, right! Like only a Volvo has safety features!) And the funniest part of this ad is at the end part, where they have a beautiful young woman running from the surf up to her car on the beach, and they focus on her T-shirt message, but I can’t read it at all! Now, I’ve seen this spot about 30 times now, and I still can’t read her shirt, because her boobs are bouncing all around under the shirt. And I’ve really been trying to read the shirt, too (honest!), because they focus on the words first, and then they zoom out, but I still have never been able to read it (something about a manatee, I think: there’s a drawing of one at the bottom of the graphic). And then I realized what they’re doing here: They don’t care if I can read it! They just want me to see the bouncing boobies! And then I’ll want to buy a Boobaru! Um, I mean, a Subaboob. Um, wait, it’s a Suboobaru, right? Or was it a Superboobs? Oh, I forget!

I can’t find this ad yet online, but it’s all over television right now: you can’t miss it!

Don’t Buy this Jacket or We’ll Kill this Dog

Patagonia sent out a marketing email to everyone nagging them not to buy their jacket, and using hippie-dippy logic about the environment and stuff to try to convince us all not to buy it. That might be enough for some people, but what about for others who were just going to buy that jacket anyway? For these stubborn people, I think they need to go the route of that famous National Lampoon cover that said: “If you don’t buy this magazine, we’ll kill this dog”, but use it to deter the purchaser, saying: “Don't buy this jacket or we’ll kill this dog!” And then just show the picture of the dog layered over the jacket. Then they could say they really tried everything to prevent sales of said jacket. And then they will have saved the Earth!

Here’s the Patagonia email begging us not to waste money on their crap:

And here’s that famous National Lampoon magazine cover:

Mixing Up Children’s Show Songs

It’s been years since I’ve actually seen most of the old holiday special stuff from Rankin/Bass, or old kids’ cartoons that used to be on when I was a kid. But those old theme songs are still bouncing around in my head, although over the years some of them have seemed to commingle and form new songs, like this combination of Frosty the Snowman and Casper the Friendly Ghost:

Frosty, the friendly snowman, the friendliest snowman you know,
While adults don’t like that they get frostbite, the children all love him so!

He’s always made of snow, and it’s really cool to meet him,
He’ll go right in a cone, and it’s fun to pour flavors on and eat him,

Frosty, the friendly snowman, the friendliest snowman you know,
While adults don’t like that they get frostbite, the children all love him so!

I know that’s not right, but that’s what always pops out when I try to sing the Frosty the Snowman song. Oh well, maybe it will come on TV soon and I can hear what it really sounds like.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Betty White

Betty White was on The Daily Show tonight, and seeing her again promoting her TV show, etc., reminded me that it was a TV commercial that resurrected her career! Remember? It was a cute Snickers Super Bowl commercial, where she gets tackled into a mud puddle (don’t worry: they faked it with CGI, but she did say it was cold in the puddle!), that reminded everyone about her. I think everyone saw this ad, and they said: “Hey: Betty White! I like her!” And so people did Facbook campaigns to get her on SNL, etc., and now she’s got a sitcom with other stars, and she’s back, baby: and all because of a TV commercial!

So the next time you mute the ads (like we all do: I do it too), just remember you might be missing someone like Betty White! (And they'll die in obscurity, and it will be all your fault!)

Here’s the ultra-whitening ad:

Now where’s Abe Vigoda’s new show?

Century Link Slinky Ad

Yes, there’s a new broadband internet company, and now you too can get the speed of a slinky running across the country every time you want to access the web or send an email! Sure, it may not look all that fast for internet, but that slinky is really trying hard, so please try not to complain.

I like the slinky imagery, but it reminds me more of the speed of dial-up. If only they had thought of this ad 10 years ago! But now, how about like a laser blast or something? That would at least travel at the speed of light! And if they want us to get the idea that their service is fast, then the slinky might not be the best metaphor, even if it is cute.

Oh, and at the end of the ad, some woman picks up the slinky and looks around, like she wasn’t expecting it to arrive, or it’s not intended for her. Does this mean that our private messages will be redirected to other people, or that it will be easy to hack into the service? It kind of seems like that to me from the way it’s presented.

Here’s the speedy slinky spot:

Metro PCS Ads

Metro PCS is a cell-phone company that prides itself on having no annual contracts. I like that about them, and I like their ads, generally. They have the ads with the Indian newscasters-like situation, and they’re usually really fun and silly, but there’s a little problem I don’t know if they’ve considered with this approach. Here’s the little issue: a bunch of companies over the years have moved their customer service operations to India. People complain about this a lot, and it’s a hassle, if you’ve ever had to deal with this. My old internet service, something about a planet and a link, or something like that, had their customer support in India, or so it seemed: their people all had thick Indian accents, but they all had American-sounding names like “Cathy” and “Andrea”. But they never seemed to know what I was talking about with local stuff, like where a city was, or anything about American television, or even internet. And while these ads are a lot of fun, they give the impression that maybe you’ll have that clueless, foreigner-controlled experience when you need something or have a problem with your service. I’m sorry to even mention it, but it does bring this issue to mind.

Here’s an example of the Metro PCS Ads:

Chick-fil-A Lawsuit

Chick-fil-A is suing some guy for making T-shirts that say: “Eat More Kale” on them. (Their slogan is “Eat Mor Chikin”, or something like that.) Apparently from their ads, the company is run by cows, so I guess they don’t know that you can’t own two words of a three word phrase so that nobody else is ever allowed to use that sentence for any purpose ever again. If it’s something that libels them or something, like if the shirt said: “Eat More Pussy”, and then had a logo that looked like Chick-fil-A’s logo, but said instead: “Chicks-U-Lay”*, then I could see them suing someone over that, but to sue someone over a T-shirt that says: “Eat More Kale”? That’s what’s known as: “Lawsuit Abuse”. And that’s how big companies with deep pockets and high-priced lawyers bully small competitors and others they perceive as invading their proprietary idea/market space, and it should be struck down by any court in the land.

But as we all know from real-life civics courses like watching the news, big corporations donate to political parties, and judges belong to political parties, and they will generally favor their judgment to the big-moneyed corporate donor in this type of case. Not so, you say? Check the record on this stuff: the big-moneyed corporate interests win almost all the time, mostly because they’re permitted to abuse the system. And they only can abuse the system if they’re allowed to abuse the system: the laws are pretty clear on this type of thing, but corporate interests are allowed to bully the little guy all the time anyway, even though it’s not supposed to work this way. The only way to stop it is to boycott bully companies that do this crap, since our “justice” system almost always manages to fail us in this type of arena. Sickening, but true.

The truth is, especially for something so benign as the “Eat More Kale” example, anytime anyone makes fun of a brand, or a logo, or an ad, that makes everyone think of the original company or product that’s being referenced, so it’s really a form of free advertising! It’s really almost like a guerilla marketing campaign for the corporate brand. And then, when that company sues that little guy, that’s an example of a PR disaster! Once big companies start to look like they’re pushing average people around, especially in this type of economy: Whoops! They really ought to know better by now, but I suppose that like members of congress, corporate lawyers probably feel a need to justify their existence as a paid position, and so they try to figure out ways to stay active and relevant, like finding excuses to sue everybody, etc. (Congresspeople always find it necessary to pass new laws, without looking at older laws to see if there are redundancies, to the point where we are now, where we’re literally drowning in complex legislation nobody understands, and the Justice Dept. honestly cannot even accurately tell us the number of felony laws on the books: not the laws themselves, but just even how many there are! So we have a situation now where people can actually literally be breaking the law and committing a felony, and not only do they not know they’re doing it, but the Justice Dept. isn’t even sure, either. Now that’s progress for ya’! But I digress…)

And actually, the fact is that Chick-fil-A’s slogan: “Eat Mor Chikin” is misspelled, and as such, anyone should be able to use: “Eat More Chicken” and argue in court that it’s different enough, since it’s grammatically correct, and Chick-fil-A is contaminating our culture with misspellings. I’m surprised some schoolteacher hasn’t done that yet just to call attention to it, given the lower learning standards we’ve got in our failing schools these days! It’s like the Toys-R-Us logo with the backwards “R”: I’ve grown used to it, but when I was a teenager, it used to make me mad; I used to say: “Oh, isn’t it cute: our children are illiterate!” And that was back when our schools were pretty good!

* Sorry for the adult imagery, but I was trying to present an example of what might constitute actually actionable trademark infringement that could reasonably be claimed to be damaging to the brand. And actually, this example might, and probably ought to, be protected expression under the “parody” ruling, even if it was sold as a T-shirt. But then again, there’s that money and politics issue, and we all know how that usually works out…

Don’t believe me? Check this out:

This isn’t even the article I’m referring to. I can’t find that at the moment, but it said they literally didn’t even know how many laws were on the books anymore, and that most people could be breaking the law all the time and not even know it! Ridiculous!

And here’s this silly suit story:

Annoying Upstairs Neighbor Play Set

I have always managed to live in an apartment with an annoyingly loud upstairs neighbor. I always used to “enjoy” (if you can say that) trying to figure out what it was they were doing that made so much noise, but I think I’ve found a better way: market a play set for annoyingly loud upstairs neighbors where we could all figure out what it was they were doing up there!

Games Include:

Pogo Stick Obstacle Course

The Dribbling Bowling Ball Basketball Game Set

Official AstroTurf NFL Football Carpet: for playing real indoor tackle football!

Official WWE Wrestling Mat: with real corner posts for jumping off of onto opponents!

Tap Shoes & Subwoofer Hardwood Dance Set

“Off-the-Wall” Handball & Squash Game Set

This way, instead of being driven crazy by all the noise, you could give the play set as a gift, and thereafter spend all your time having fun guessing what game they were playing the next time you were jolted out of your seat!

Monday, November 28, 2011

Coke Zero “…And?” Ad

Hey! This ad shows everyone getting something extra for asking: “…And?” And it even shows a guy getting stock options added onto his salary when he asks the “…And?” question in a job interview! Well, they made it look so great, I tried it at my job interview, and I got booted out of the building and told I’d “never work in this town again”! That’s the last time I listen to a diet soda commercial about how to run my life! I’m suing Coke Zero for false advertising! (Boy, “Zero” is right: it is a zero! And it wants to make everyone else into a zero too: zero employment, and zero prospects!)

Here’s the conniving commercial:

Campbell’s Chicken Noodle Soup Snowman Ad

Oh my God! Campbell’s Soup murdered Frosty the Snowman! I knew it! And they’re proud of it! (Oh, the Snowmanity!)

But if you watch the whole spot, apparently Frosty had eaten a small boy, and in killing the man-eating snowman, the soup freed the kid; so maybe old Frosty had it coming! (Could Hinkle have been onto him all along? Maybe the Rankin/Bass TV special isn’t telling the whole story...!)

Here’s the suspicious spot:

The “Blade Runner” Saw

Yes, it’s the Blade Runner Saw: the only saw that does it all! And by “all”, of course I mean that it chases after and kills escaped Replicants, ponders over origami unicorns (it must be related to Greg Gutfeld: he really likes unicorns too), wears Spaghetti Western-inspired rain slickers, etc., all in a post-modern Tokyo-esque neon ad-scape of the future (when you’re not using it for home and handyman projects, that is). That’s the Blade Runner Saw: ask for it by name! (Warning: Do not use the Blade Runner Saw if you are a Replicant, as it will chase and kill you.)

Here’s the website for the Blade Runner Saw (but don’t be surprised if you don’t recognize it without all that Hollywood makeup and costume stuff):

The Scooter Store Promise

The Scooter Store has an ad where the head guy says: “I promise no other company will work harder for you!” (Or something close to that.) But what I’d like to know is this: How can he be so sure that no other company will work harder? Does this guy have double agents working for the other companies where he pays them extra to be lazy? Or does he have some deal with Tonya Harding to break the competitors’ knee caps if they start working harder than him? I’d just like to know how this promise works.

Here’s the spot (the promise is at 0:33 sec.):

International Mystery Special

I just switched my cable TV recently, and it’s much better now. The last company had all kinds of problems with satellite breakups, audio dropouts, jammed service, hours-long guide failures, frequent re-boots that killed everything, etc., but they had one thing that made it all worthwhile: on Sunday nights, they had something called: International Mystery Special, where they’d show some foreign show like Masterpiece Mystery, but in a foreign language, and subtitled.

These shows were my favorite thing on all of TV: they had wonderful, exotic locales, great stories, and wonderful characters. And every week, it was something different! One week, there would be some crazy guy in Norway murdering people in the snow all according to some old Norse pagan practice; and then it would be off to a fictional Venice, where everyone in the police spoke German, and some harried detective would have to negotiate marriage difficulties, meddling in-laws, unruly teen-age children, and aristocratic murders and systemic corruption; then the next week, we’d fly off to Sicily, where some bald guy would figure out who killed who and why in a cesspool of Mafia corruption and familial influence. Oh, it was great; and now that it’s Sunday night again, I wish I had that crappy cable TV back, just so I could watch this one show!

But this whole thing about great foreign, especially Italian, detectives (there was also one from Milan, and one from Rome, I think, but I missed those, mostly) made me wonder about what it would be like to have a series about real-life Italian crimes. Sure, these TV detectives could figure out the puzzle and let the innocent, framed people go; but for most Americans, I’ll bet the first thing that comes to mind when we think of Italian justice is the Amanda Knox trial, and the guy who railroaded her for the murder of Meredith Kercher, apparently without any real evidence, just because he didn’t like her (allegedly). So where’s the novel and TV series for that guy? I’d love to see that!

Okay, here’s how it would work out: Some serial killer is striking in the Italian town where this detective/prosecutor lives, and he’s on the case! So whenever someone gets killed, he just grabs someone he doesn’t like, or simply doesn’t like the looks of, and he railroads them for the crime. Then, the killer strikes again, and he just grabs someone else he doesn’t like, and on and on like that, until all of his enemies are imprisoned for life! Did your dog poop in his yard? Guilty! Do you wear “slutty” clothes? Guilty! Do you have too much fun? Guilty! That would seem so much more accurate to Americans, I’d think, after the Amanda Knox trial(s). So why not make that one? I’ll bet it would be really popular, and so much more realistic!

So please, other TV carriers, carry International Mystery Special! Oh, and make the one I mentioned, too! It could be a big hit here in the US! (I’d watch it! But then again, I think I saw it on the news already once before…)

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Teen Tweeter Won’t Apologize

For those of you who don’t know, a teenager (18-year-old Emma Sullivan) tweeted something insulting about Gov. Sam Brownback. And even though he is the governor, he still can’t send her to bed without any supper (because of that pesky First Amendment). So he ratted her out to her school, like any responsible adult would, since he couldn’t do anything else. (Even though I’m pretty sure it was Brownback who said: “No snitchin’!”)

But she’s not sorry! And she said she’d do it again! (I like that spirit!)

So in honor of this occasion of the little guy (gal, actually) getting one over on the big cheese, I say we should honor this young lady with a song! So, to the tune of David Bowie’s Jean Genie:

Teen Tweeter, ripped on Brownback,
Teen Tweeter, won’t take it back,
She’s outraged, by government fools,
Teen Tweeter, let venom flow-oo-oh-oo!

Here’s the story:

Iran Threatens Turkey on Thanksgiving!

Iran is threatening to attack Turkey this Thanksgiving weekend if they are attacked. This is an outrage, but fortunately, they’d only hit leftovers at this point, as we’ve already had Thanksgiving on Thursday. But maybe they were going to do it, but it took a few days for us to get the news! And worse, what if they threaten to attack Santa Claus on Christmas, or the Easter Bunny on Easter? We’ve got to keep our holiday mascots protected! And what about our roast beast? Will they attack that too? (Those Grinches!) Where is President Obama on this? (Republicans claim he’s soft on holiday mascots!) I propose we keep the real ones in a safe house somewhere, and let the CIA dress up as turkeys for next Thanksgiving, or else use robot drone turkeys with Patriot missiles on them: that way, they can repel any attack, and Iran won’t be able to harm our Thanksgiving turkeys next year!

(I do have to wonder, though, if they do this stuff to try to be funny, but that they won't admit it if nobody gets the joke. But to attack Turkey over Thanksgiving? It's like if they said they were going to invade the North Pole on Christmas! I think they're just jerking our chain!)

Here’s the treacherous tale of turkey terror:

Actresses Caught in Unflattering Dress

The above line was the headline advertising a story on Yahoo! News today. I was surprised to find the actresses had been caught, as the unflattering dress is usually worn to give them a mobility advantage over others who might be chasing them. But it said they were caught, so I guess it didn’t help them escape after all. Oh, the shame of it: to wear an unflattering dress so you can run away, but you’re caught anyway! And to add insult to injury, now everybody gets to see them in that dress! (Oh, the humanity!)

Here’s the story Yahoo! News listed with the headline: “Actresses Caught in Unflattering Dress”:

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Liberty Mutual Bus Stop Ad

Liberty Mutual has a new commercial about responsibility: as if the company that shows people leaving wrecked cars out in the middle of the road for other drivers to hit, and other drivers leaving the scene of an accident in their ads knows anything about responsibility, but whatever. So anyway, this spot shows some old bald guy get off a bus at a bus stop and drop a bunch of papers on the sidewalk like a spaz, and lots of people are waiting to get on the bus, as it's apparently rush hour. So most people get on the bus, and one lady sees the guy with his mess of spilled papers, and she feels sorry for him, so she goes and helps him pick them up. And the bus driver sees this, but does he wait for her? Nope: he just drives off anyway! So this is a good example of some lady being responsible, right? Let's analyze the situation:

So she misses her bus, and as a result is late to work; and in this economy, it costs her her job. And little did she know, but that old bald guy didn't spill his papers accidentally, but rather, he did it on purpose! And why would he do that? Well, it's because he likes to make nice people late for work, because he's a jerk! He doesn't even have a job, and those "papers" are just something he dug out of the trash as bait! So this lady is losing her job for nothing! And so what are her kids going to eat? Where will they live, now that she got scammed into falling for some jerk's "being helped with his papers" fetish? And Liberty Mutual says this is responsibility? Shame on them!

But it's even worse than I thought! It turns out that this bald guy who dropped the papers did it on purpose to make her lose her job! And why would he do that? Well, it turns out that he owns an employment agency, and business is slow right now, so he's going out and suckering people into picking up his dropped stuff so he can make them late and get fired from work! That way, he can find out where they worked, and after apologizing with crocodile tears, he can call his company and have them send a temp over to replace the person who just got fired for being late on account of helping him! Oh, the humanity! And lilly-livered Liberty Mutual is in on this scam (allegedly!), peer-pressuring people to do stuff like this so they'll be late to work and lose their jobs, and then they get a cut of what that bald guy's company makes (I should think), unless they're just doing it to be jerks too!? I guess you never know why they do things like try to make people wreck into empty cars, or leave the scene of an accident, or pick up other people's stuff so you miss your bus and get fired from your job, but it doesn't seem like the most "responsible policy" to me.

Here's the suspicious spot:

Don't know what I'm talking about with the leaving cars out in the middle of the street and leaving the scene of an accident stuff? It's based upon this previous post:

(But this stuff is all a joke, and Liberty Mutual has a good sense of humor to put up with it! It's just that the subtext and visuals of their ads are so easy to target! Maybe they should make them less make-fun-of-able in future.)

John Hancock Instant Messaging Ad

Here we have some guy texting someone on his laptop with instant messaging or whatever, and the person he's communicating with says they (both of them together) need help with financial stuff. So the guy types that he's had an accounting course, and adds on a winking emoticon. Then the other person says: "Oh that's a big help", sarcastically. So then the guy asks what they should get, and the response is: "Someone who took more than an accounting course." And then I say: "Oh, you mean like a Wall Street investment bank? They took everyone's retirement savings and about a trillion dollars of taxpayers' money on top of that, and then took most of that as bonuses they didn't earn, because they ran their companies and the whole world economy into the ground!" Is that what this ad means by getting someone who "took more" than an accounting course? Because this is the first thing that occurs to me when I read that line, and I'll bet I'm not the only one! And then it makes me think investment banks maybe aren't such a good idea to trust with my money after all...

Here's the unintentionally funny spot:

Diamond Ad Disclaimer

Apparently, 'tis also the season to advertise diamonds like crazy, based upon the number of diamond ads I've been seeing on TV lately. The big slogan for diamonds used to be: "A Diamond Is Forever!" I haven't seen that one as much recently, but it was a good one. Unless it made people think it was forever because that's how long they'd have to be paying for it. (Diamonds are ridiculously overpriced.) But I think the reason they're not using it as much anymore is that most marriages end in divorce these days. So perhaps they should bring the slogan back, but with a disclaimer: "A Diamond Is Forever, Even if Your Marriage Isn't!" Or else they could just say the slogan: "A Diamond Is Forever!", and then have that announcer guy with the super-fast line readings say the following disclaimer extremely rapidly at the very end of the spot: "Just because a diamond is forever, it doesn't mean your marriage will be."

Friday, November 25, 2011

Audi Phil Jackson Ad

Audi has a new ad running on television where some chef is being abusive to his underlings, and Phil Jackson tries to advise him against it, but the chef doesn't recognize him, so he blows him off. Then the guy the chef yelled at says it was Phil Jackson, yadda, yadda. This commercial is interesting to me in its approach. I'd say this was a response to the Occupy Wall Street movement: They're essentially saying here: "Look, it's middle-class people who are the real jerks, not the rich people! So don't picket the Audi dealership!" Hey, it's one way to try to sell a luxury item without seeming to cater to the "Let them eat cake!" crowd. I'm not sure it works, because I saw through it right away, and probably everyone else notices this too, but at least it's a different approach. And I like it when they try something new; even if it does't work, at least it's novel.

Here's the slanderous spot:

Twilight Shock

Yes, I'm afraid that local news outlets are reporting that people are going into epileptic seizures while watching the birthing scene from the newest Twilight movie. I like the idea that people who support this franchise would get some kind of a disease for going to see the movie, but I don't think epilepsy really fits so well with the vampire thing. It might work better if Bella was a werewolf, or like a Jekyll/Hyde-type, because it might seem like the beginning of a transformation or something, but it doesn't really work that well for a vampire. But how about this: maybe for the next movie, they could give people anemia! Then it would be just like they'd been attacked by a vampire, or even a werewolf! And isn't that what these fans really want: to get bitten by a vampire?

Or, how about they could give everyone a really bad sunburn, and then they could say the movie made them into a half-vampire, and they got burned when they were exposed to the sun, but that it's not fatal for just a half-vampire? They could also secretly put Rogaine on all the seats and in the drinks to make everyone look more like a werewolf if they wanted to do that. Actually, if they did that with the epilepsy, it might make it seem like people were becoming werewolves, and that could lead to the all-werewolf spin-off series or something, and they could get lots of free press on the news.

Here's the story:

Lexus "December to Remember" Song

Lexus is running their Christmas ads again now (or whatever other holiday you want: The ACLU said they'd sue Lexus if they made it a Christmas ad, so they just say December), and this time they're focusing especially on their little "December to Remember" song in a music box, a cell-phone ring jingle, etc. And the people in these ads recognize the music, and they run outside to find their car with a bow on it parked outside. (Yay!)

But I remember the music too, and it makes me think of something else: "Oompa, loompa, doopity doo!" That's right: It sounds a lot like the Oompa Loompa song from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Maybe they build them or something, and that's part of their union contract that they have to use their song in the ads, so they get royalties.

Here's an older Lexus "December to Remember" ad (I can't find the new ones yet, sorry. The tune I'm talking about starts at .11 seconds in.):

VW "Vegas Baby!" Ad

VW has a "Sign and Drive" commercial running on TV now where these two guys decide to drive to Las Vegas to have a blast, but then some buzzkill jerk in the back seat tells them to take the car back to the dealership, since they're on a test drive. But what I don't understand is why these party guys don't just decide to kill that guy from the dealership and hide his body in the trunk, since "What Happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas!" I'm pretty sure that would give them immunity. Then they could just go to a VW dealership in Las Vegas to get another car to drive home in.

Here's the conniving commercial:

New Host for Fox News?

A famed Russian reporter fired for giving the finger to President Obama has been hired by Fox News as the star host of their new primetime show! Roger Ailes said that if Russia didn't recognize a star turn, he did! The new show will be called "Screw President Obama", and will be a full hour every evening of the Russian news reporter making obscene gestures at pictures and video of President Obama. It's sure to become Fox News's most popular show to date!

Here's the story:

Oh, actually, I guess they didn't do that. I just got ahead of the story there, since it seemed like the logical next step for them to hire her. Sorry about that...

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Black Friday: The Video Game

Yes, it's Black Friday again, and the local news is reporting on fights breaking out over X-Boxes, video games, and big flat-screen TVs at local megastores (again). It's the same every year. And Black Friday shoppers are the most resilient and vicious fighters out there, like ninja zombie commandos of purchasing power; so for those who can't make it in person to participate in such awesome displays of human combat, I think they ought to make a Black Friday video game, where characters camp out, stampede in, and then fight over the best deals in electronics! And it would be different than other combat-related games in that you have to fight other rabid combatants without damaging or destroying the fragile thing(s) you're fighting over. It would be great! And just to keep it interesting, there could be extra bonus characters who go to Black Friday not to shop, but just to fight with other customers, trip stampeding crowds, and wrestle away prized merchandise from other shoppers. And to tie it into real life, the company should have a contest where the first person who buys it on Black Friday at each megastore gets $25,000 or something: then they'd really fight over it, and life would imitate art imitating life (again)! What a great way to promote it, with tons of free news reports about all the fights breaking out over the game Black Friday live on Black Friday! I hope they'll do it soon: I want to play it already!

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Au Gratin

Whenever making something that's "au gratin" for a kid, be sure to tell them it's got cheese on it, rather than saying it's "au gratin". My sister told her daughter she was making "au gratin", and her daughter said: "It sounds like 'Ugh, rotten!' I don't want it!"

Get a "Jive Turkey" for Thanksgiving!

Yes, this Thanksgiving get the turkeys raised in an alternative way: the "Jive Turkey"! Each "Jive Turkey" is raised in a dance club environment, with flashing lights, disco balls spinning, roller skates on, and non-stop '70s Disco and House music blaring! Additionally, each "Jive Turkey" is marinated in our proprietary juicy blend of ecstasy, ketamine, and other various club drugs, guaranteeing that even the most dysfunctional family will have a wonderful time together this Thanksgiving! (Warning: Please do not drive for at least 12 hours after eating the "Jive Turkey".) That's the "Jive Turkey": Ask for it by name!

(This is a joke. But there is a place in Brooklyn called Jive Turkey, and apparently they sell deep fried turkeys in lots of different flavors and all kinds of trimmings! Their menu looks great! I don't think they make one like I just listed above, but I guess you could ask!)

Here's the Jive Turkey restaurant's website:

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Spartan Measures

Governments all over the world are instituting "austerity measures" and getting tons of push-back and protests from their citizens. The whole debt situation is putting the world economy on a razor's edge! But this is an avoidable crisis! It's really all about PR strategizing.

Look, every nation who is trying to cut their budget deficits, including America, is referring to this process as "austerity measures". That's lame! Why not call them instead: "Spartan Measures"? Spartans are all the rage! That movie 300 was super-popular, right? So why not call them "Spartan Measures", and get the cast of 300 to promote and advertise these programs?

Think of how hip it would seem then, with the cast of 300 promoting it! Then all the kids would want to do it! Just get that guy Gerard Butler to wear that red cape with the leather Speedo, flex all his muscles, and point a spear or a sword at the audience, and say: "I want you to be a Spartan!" And then get Lena Headey to wear some sheer, diaphanous robe that makes her look like she's in a wet T-shirt contest, point a dagger at the audience, and say: "I want you to be a Spartan!" Then maybe we could trick everyone into supporting it! (Hey, it's worth a try, right?)

Daylight Savings Alteration

Daylight savings is so jarring. It seems like the days last forever over the summer, and then we pull the clock back an hour, and all of a sudden, the sun goes down at 4:00 pm, and it's dark by 5:00! It feels so discombobulating! No wonder everyone hates it! But I have a suggestion that will make things much more gradual, and far more acceptable. It goes like this:

There are two times per year where we reset the clocks, right? So that's two segments of 6 months each. And there's 60-minutes in an hour, right? So that makes ten minutes per month. So starting in January, we set the clock ahead 10 minutes per month until July, where we set the clock back ten minutes per month. This will have the same daylight savings effect, but gradually, without all the stress and disorientation! And since it's only ten minutes change per month, if you forget to reset your clocks, you'd only be ten minutes late (or early), and you could just blame that on traffic! See how much better it is?

Lobby Congress if you want to do it! Hey, they'd welcome any distraction from their failed Super Committee right about now, I'd think, so we could probably get them to do just about anything!

Chuckie Kraut

If I were Charles Krauthammer, I would want to expand my sphere of influence as a political commentator into the realm of the youth market. After all, young people are the future of our country, and if he can get them young, perhaps he can skew them to the right. So to do this, I'd recommend that he create a rapper alter ego personality called "Chuckie Kraut". Kids can't resist rappers, right? He could wear a big gold chain with an elephant medallion on it, and a fuzzy red Kangol cap with a shiny red Adidas track suit. And just to sell the deal, he could record a cover version of that song by Chaka Khan: "I Feel for You", (But called: "I Spiel for You") and alter the beginning part with the rap, where he could get someone (maybe Karl Rove? He rapped something I saw on the news once, I think.) to rap:

"Chuckie Kraut, I wanna hear you Chuckie Kraut; Listenin' to you is all I want to do!"
"Chuckie Kraut, I wanna hear you Chuckie Kraut; I love your views and commentary too!" (Repeat)

Here's the video of Karl Rove rapping, so you can see how good it would be:

Wouldn't it be great? Think of all the young viewers he'd bring over to Special Report!

Monday, November 21, 2011

Let the Finger-Pointing Begin!

Yes, I’m afraid the Super Committee failed to reach an agreement. And you know what that means: The blame game begins in earnest now, with finger-pointing galore! This is finally something I can get behind, for fingers are practically my favorite things to point at people. In fact, if someone is guilty of something especially egregious, I like to point using those foam hands with the index finger sticking up that are usually seen at sporting events. If you wear one on both hands, and you point both of the giant foam fingers at someone, everyone knows who’s to blame instantly. It’s great!

Democrats could get red ones with elephants on them to indicate it’s the Republicans’ fault, and Republicans could get blue ones with donkeys on them to indicate it’s the Democrats’ fault, and then they could point them at each other. And if President Obama wanted to shame both sides, he could wear one red one and one blue one as he pointed at both parties in Congress. If I were the president, that’s what I’d do.

Republicans complained that President Obama didn’t do enough to make a compromise happen. That makes a lot of sense, because the Republicans usually like President Obama to get to control everything. That way they can blame him exclusively all the time! And, naturally, President Obama likes to blame congressional Republicans all the time, so at least they all have an activity they can all do together. And it’s nice that they all have the same interests, because they always can play together in the blame game.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Food-Stay-Put Edible Fixative

Hey messy sandwich lovers, tired of biting into that sloppy joe and having all the gooey mess of meat and sauce come oozing out the other side of the bun, splattering all over your plate? Frustrated with all the time it takes to spread just the right amount of condiments on your hamburger just to have it go squirting out the back of the bun and all over your hands and shirt? Sick of biting down into that luscious BBQ sandwich just to have all that meat and tangy red sauce come splattering down into your lap in front of everyone? Well, these problems are a thing of the past when you use the new Food-Stay-Put Edible Fixative spray system!

Whenever you want to make a messy sandwich, simply spray Food-Stay-Put Edible Fixative on the top surface if the bottom bun, and then on top of the big pile of glorpy mess you put on the bun, put the top of the bun on, and voilà: a perfectly stable sandwich every time! It may bulge like a squeezed balloon, but with our patented blend of edible epoxy and polymer resins, even your most oozing, squishing, spraying, runny foods are locked down tight, so there’s nothing to come out of that sandwich but flavor and calories into your mouth!

That’s the Food-Stay-Put Edible Fixative spray system: Ask for it by name wherever fine cooking products are sold!

eBay School Play Ad

This ad is really fun. I love the cardboard muscle car and the kids as pistons and wheels (They ought to make school plays like this for real to get deadbeat dads to show up once in a while for their kids’ childhood.), but there’s a small problem here. Can you guess what it might be?

Yes, it’s the old ploy of making people look like assholes who buy the product/use the service in the ad. Yep, that and the ploy of making it look like a punishment to own the product they’re trying to sell hurt more good advertising intentions than anything else I can think of off-hand. Oh well: maybe they’re secretly trying to make us save money in this down economy so our kids will have a place to live and food to eat, rather than encouraging us to waste money on selfish desires and unnecessary expenses. (But I doubt it.)

This spot is so cute, though! If only the father hadn’t stood up like a jerk in the middle of the school play to ruin it for everyone else (and embarrass his kids)! It just makes eBay users look like selfish, self-centered, self-absorbed assholes. But if he had seen the stuff in the play, bought the stuff on his iPhone, and then just told his wife at the end of the play: “I should come to these things more often! I guess you never know what you’ll get out of it!” (And he smiles to himself, with wheels in his eyes.) Then it would have kept him from looking like a jerk, and we would have gotten the message. Oh, and eBay wouldn’t look like it makes people act like uncouth selfish jackasses.

Here’s the muscle car montage:

Lexus “Guess the Gift” Web Ad

Today on the internet, I stumbled upon an ad from Lexus that showed a picture of a bunch of red ribbon gift bows over something, and it said: “Guess the Gift!” I was looking at it, and based upon the shape, I was thinking maybe it was one of those really big NYC subway rats, but then before I could actually make a guess, all the ribbons flew off and it was just another stupid car. That’s so easy to guess it would be a car from Lexus, so what’s the point of making us guess if it’s so obvious? Maybe they want to brown-nose us by making us feel smart. Well, just for that, I’m not buying your cars! Don’t cheat next time, and maybe I will. (Actually, I still probably won’t. But how about next time having it be a big jack-in-the-box, and when it opens, one of your cars can leap up and smash the camera. Then you could say it was a drunk Santa Claus, or one of his mischievous elves! Then the ACLU can use it as an excuse to cancel Christmas from now on!)

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Giant Man and The Hulk

Giant Man wasn’t always giant: he was a scientist guy named Henry Pym who could make himself really big (Giant Man) and really small (Ant Man), and his costume somehow expanded and contracted with him as he grew and shrunk. Giant Man was also in the Avengers with The Hulk. But did Dr. Pym ever share that secret formula for expanding and contracting trousers with Bruce Banner/The Hulk? No! Despite knowing how to solve this embarrassing torn pants syndrome always afflicting The Hulk, Dr. Pym just decided to let Bruce Banner ruin all those pairs of pants for no reason! (Actually, maybe Dr. Pym ran a pants store on the side, Pym’s Pink & Purple Pants Emporium, and he made extra money by selling Bruce Banner all of his replacement pants in bulk. {The slogan could be: “We Sell in Bulk for the Hulk!”} Maybe that’s how he funded all of his research.)

When I consider this, it’s no wonder Giant Man and Ant Man wore masks: if The Hulk recognized him as the guy cashing in on selling him all those pairs of pants when he could have shared the secret of expanding pants with him all along, “Hulk Smash!”

Here’s the Wikipedia page for Henry Pym (The guy who is Giant Man and Ant Man, etc.):

And here’s a comic book cover of Giant Man growing to giant size (notice how his costume is not ripping apart; this is what I’m talking about here. The Hulk could really use help in this department, and they’re on the same team together!):

And here’s a comic book cover showing what would happen if The Hulk found out about the ruse (The Wasp is warning Giant Man that The Hulk is coming after him for never offering to make him a pair of re-sizable slacks. And you can clearly see The Hulk’s pants are torn and frayed and purple.):

Friday, November 18, 2011

Aquaman Sought in Natalie Wood Case

Yes, Hollywood police are reopening the Natalie Wood case. But since they have already said that Robert Wagner is not a suspect, and everyone else has an alibi, that leaves only one person left who had opportunity in that open-water setting: Aquaman. The problem for police is that Aquaman will be very hard to trap as the perpetrator of this crime: he could have peer-pressured some fish or other sea creature to kill her using telepathy, and we could never prove it because they’ve probably already been eaten as sushi by now! (There are a lot of sushi places in Hollywood! I’m surprised they haven’t served Aquaman yet! Or have they? Police can’t find him for questioning, so you never know!)

But I contend this is all media persecution: Aquaman is innocent!

Here’s the story:

Or was it the ACLU who sought to silence Wood after she convinced people Santa Claus was real in Miracle on 34th Street? That made it way harder to ban manger scenes for years to come! Could she have been the first casualty of the brutal War on Christmas?

William Shatner on CNN

Yes, I had written about William Shatner’s role in helping the Super Committee earlier today, so I couldn’t pass up his appearance on Piers Morgan, could I? (Even though Piers Morgan was on it.) Well, during this interview, William Shatner talked about how we had to cut spending, but we didn’t know what to cut, because times are so tough. But then he mentioned how America has ended the space program, and how that’s awful.

Now, he didn’t say this in so many words, but I think this is what he meant: If we kept up the space program, we could build a Starship Enterprise. And guess what’s on a Starship Enterprise? That’s right: a replicator! So, we could just secretly replicate money in space, and then beam it back down to Earth, and we’d never have to cut spending on anything, and we’d never run out of money either! See? William Shatner has done it again!

A “Big Deal” for the Super Committee?

Wolf Blitzer interviewed Senator Bernie Sanders today about the Super Committee, and he asked if he was hoping for a “big deal” from them. And then it hit me: We should get that guy “Big Deal” from the Priceline commercials to go intimidate the Super Committee into making a big deal to cut the deficit! (Hey, it works in the ads!) And if they still wouldn’t do it, then we could get William Shatner to do spoken-word song lyrics until they cracked and were willing to agree to anything just to get him to stop. Maybe if he said the lyrics to “Rocket Man” over and over again through a megaphone in the closed-door meetings, we could get them to agree to something. But I’ll bet if we used both “Big Deal” and the Shatner song performances, we’d get what we need. Hey, it’s worth a try, isn’t it?

Here’s “Big Deal” from the Priceline commercial:

And here’s William Shatner saying the lyrics to “Rocket Man” while smoking:

American Infrastructure Vulnerable to Hacker Attacks

Apparently we’ve had a number of critical infrastructure hacking attacks and attempts in the past couple of years. CNN reported on an apparent recent attack on an Illinois water system today. The nebulous “they” of the government supposedly said there’s “no credible threat” of hackers attacking our infrastructure, but wouldn’t “they” say that anyway? “They” love saying stuff like that!

Some woman interviewed on CNN about the Illinois water system hacker thingy said it would cost lots and lots of money to upgrade infrastructure against potential hackers and cyber attacks. I don’t know if that’s true, though. I have an idea that could make cyber attacks of this type a thing of the past, and it wouldn’t cost a thing: unplug the infrastructure from the internet and from all modems, and make people run the stuff manually on site. And even better might be to run all critical infrastructure systems mechanically, like in the days before computers. It used to work like that, (everything used to work like that before computers) and I’m sure it would still work now; and it would be un-cyber-attackable that way.

Look, I know it’s sporting and all to leave all of our critical military and infrastructure stuff on the internet for every foreign army and hacker to access: that’s just polite. But can’t we just have fake websites that look like it’s all plugged in, and have the actual stuff not plugged into the same internet everybody else uses? For all the zillions of dollars we spend on defense, I would have thought they could have their own internet. But maybe that’s unsportsmanlike or something.

Here’s the story:

Telephone Hold Music

I recently switched to a bundle package for my internet, cable TV and phone services, and I encountered some argumentative corporate representatives while canceling my old services. This is not a good idea. This just makes you think they’re arguing and attacking you for switching, which makes you want to cancel even more. If they really want to keep you from canceling their service, they shouldn’t even let you get to a representative. What they should do it ask you what kind of music you like for hold music (on a keypad menu of selections), and whatever you select, play the opposite of that for two hours before anyone answers the phone. An example would be if you selected easy listening and they gave you death metal, or you selected metal, and they gave you Simon and Garfunkel Muzak. This would make most people hang up, and then they’d still be stuck with the services. I’m surprised they haven’t thought of it sooner.

Kraft Mac & Cheese In-Laws Ad

Really? It’s come to this? Now Kraft is running an ad where the young parents are cooking Kraft Mac & Cheese to impress the in-laws. Have we really fallen so far as a country that the best we can do to impress the fussy people in our lives is make macaroni and cheese? We are so screwed! So why not make Rotini & Cheese instead? It’s more appropriate.

Here’s the scrutinizing spot:

Chevy Volt Drive Thru Ad

When I see an ad like this, it all starts to make sense why the Volt isn’t selling very well. This commercial makes it look like you’re going to be hassled by idiots wherever you go, and you’ll have to answer everyone’s stupid questions about the car: awesome! Oh, and everyone’s going to take a bite out of your hamburgers if you own that car, too. Lame.

Or maybe it’s better to do this than say: “It’s the Solyndra of cars!”

But surely there must be some way to sell this car, right? I thought it was supposed to be good! Can’t they make it seem like it’s good?

Here’s the ad:

I was hoping Chevy ads would start to become partisan like that Ford ad, and so the Chevy ads could attack Republican policies and say President Obama is great. Then maybe all ads could just become a proxy war between government subsidized companies and independent companies, and they could switch off attacking political parties depending on who’s in change of the government at the time. That would be awesome! Then we could outlaw political ads and donations, and it wouldn’t make any difference!

BTW: Here’s how to do it better (but I haven’t seen this one on TV; I found it on YouTube looking for the above ad):

This is much better. And “Chevrolet: Driving Our World Forward” is way better than “Chevy Runs Deep” for this type of thing.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

The King of Feces and Urine

Rep. Peter King was interviewed by Anderson Cooper on CNN this evening, and the key words of his anti-Occupy Wall Street screed were “feces and urine”. He kept repeating how he understood the freedom of speech stuff, but he didn’t understand why people would want to live in their own feces and urine. (As if he didn’t know!)

This reminded me of that old Christmas Special song “Silver and Gold” from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: Rep. King could sing it with “Feces and Urine” instead of “Silver and Gold”. It’s the perfect time of year for it, too, with winter and snow on the way, and all that Christmasy spirit in the air to go with the scent of feces and urine. He should make it into a political ad!

Here’s the song “Silver and Gold”:

Man Sues Southwest Airlines for 45 Drinks

How could they gyp a man out of his 45 free drinks? They should pay up! But, just for embarrassing them, they should get the award to stipulate that all 45 drinks must be served at the same time, and that he has to drink them all at once no matter what, and that if anything bad happens as a result, he must sign the award contract agreeing he asked for it, and it’s his fault for suing them. Oh, and if he can’t finish them all, he has to pay for all the drinks.

Knowing how the legal system works, this will all probably be in the fine print, and he won’t find out about it until he’s started that first drink, and then it’ll too late to back out. Oh, and the plane will be stuck on the runway for 8 hours without bathrooms. Sure, they’ll have to pay a fine, but it will be worth it to them, I’ll bet.

Here’s the story:

Pro Boxer Caught with $4 Million of Cocaine

I know this looks bad, but can’t he just say that he earned $4 Million for his last fight, but that they didn’t have the cash, so they paid him in cocaine temporarily? That’s what I’d say. After all, you can’t expect a professional fighter to work for free: he’s a professional.

Or, maybe they gave it to him to numb his pain from the fight, but it was all legal. Hey: you never know.

Here’s the story:

Hillary Clinton’s Motorcade Egged

Diplomats: This is why you should always spray your cars with non-stick Pam! Eggs and other foodstuffs slide right off with no muss and no fuss! Plus, Pam doesn’t ad fat or horrible chemicals, so people can just pick the food up and eat it after it slides off your car: perfect for today’s failing economy!

Here’s the story:

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Newt and Freddie

People are jumping all over Newt Gingrich just because he said that Freddie Mac has been wasting lots of taxpayer money and that they’re in a lot of debt, and he got paid millions of dollars for working for them. So this makes him a hypocrite? How? After all, who would know more about Freddie Mac wasting millions of dollars than the guy they wasted it on? And who else would know how much in debt they are than someone who helped them get that way? So all I’m saying is he knows what he’s talking about, and that hardly makes him a hypocrite.

Here’s the story:

Edible Gold Spray Paint

Check out this story:

This is a great idea! Now when graffiti artists get busted, the cops can just make them lick it off. We’d save so much money that way with legal system costs! And, you could have gold teeth on a temporary basis, and then you could eat it off when you tire of it. Plus, it’s easy to advertise! Just use the headline: “Spray that thing with bling!” (And it could refer to almost anything, so they’d only need one ad for all purposes!)

The only down side is that now there are a lot of upscale places that serve edible gold on stuff for lots of money. So how do we know if they’re giving us real gold now? Or, perhaps a better question is, if you’re wasting money like that, don’t you deserve to get gypped? (Maybe that can be the ad for using this to cheat rich idiots.)

Lying on the Internet a Crime? (Advertising Edition)

Yes, to remind everyone, the government wants to make it a crime to lie on the internet. So does that mean that advertising will be banned online? They’re never telling the truth! But doesn’t advertising fund everything on the internet? So, what will happen to all those internet jobs? Or is this part of Obama’s job-killing agenda? (A Republican told me it is!)

Or could it be that the government is tired of kitten videos beating all the government websites for traffic? So that’s it! They’re jealous of kittens! And if they make lying on the internet a crime, then they will put all these kittens out of work by strangling their advertising revenue, and so all these kittens will die in the streets of starvation! Those sociopaths! How can they do that to kittens? No wonder people don’t trust the government anymore!

So that’s why we should allow ads that lie on the internet. You’re murdering kittens if you don’t!

Here’s the shocking story (again):

Lying on the Internet a Crime?

I hope they’ll do it soon! Sure, I could use a “pen name” here (Lots of authors use "pen names".), and if so, that’s not a lie, is it? Or is it? (If it is a crime, do I get street cred?) Let’s take a look at this shocking subject!

Back in the day (that’s hip language for “years ago”, for those of you un-cool enough not to know), most women authors used men’s names to credit for their writing in the marketplace, since at the time, it was frowned upon for women to be authors. Is this lying? According to the proposed law, it is! (Will they dig up famous women-authors' graves and throw their skeletons in prison now? Most of their books are available on the Internet, so it's discrimination to give them a pass on this law!)

So, I guess this means the government hates women. And you know, women are also known to lie about their ages to people rude enough to ask. And this would also be a crime. Oh, and what about other stuff, like a married woman keeping her maiden name for the purposes of business stuff, or for being a TV personality, or an actress, or a writer: is that lying too? Actresses have profiles on IMDB, so you can’t say it’s not an orchestrated conspiracy!

So what I want to know is this: How come the government hates women so much that they want to make all this stuff a crime?

Here’s the shocking story:

Fire Hose Work Pants Tagline

I just saw a commercial on CNN for Fire Hose Work Pants. I didn’t see the whole thing, as I was flipping between real news and the whimsical reportage of Ancient Aliens. Anyway, I saw the end of this ad, and the tagline was:

“Fire Hose Work Pants: Tougher than an angry beaver’s teeth.”

Now, I’m not a beaver expert, but I have to challenge that assertion. What proof have they about the veracity of that claim? Levi’s has a drawing of the purported event of some wimpy horses being unable to rip apart a pair of Levi’s jeans printed right on the label that’s on the pants, and what more proof can anyone ask than that? But what proof is offered in support of the Fire Hose Work Pants claim? Have they got a picture of a beaver breaking its teeth on the pants? Or, looking at the claim from another angle, have they actually pulled the teeth out of an angry beaver, worn the teeth as pants, and then compared their toughness against their own trousers? Without this type of proof, how can we trust them? And if we allow such recklessly undocumented claims, pretty soon oil companies will be able to say they’ll put a tiger in your tank! (Which is cruelty to endangered animals! No wonder environmentalists hate oil companies, with them threatening endangered species with entrapment and drowning in our fuel tanks! And with the size of gas tanks on most cars, they must be drowning defenseless tiger cubs exclusively! Those maniacs!)

(BTW: I didn’t see this ad for another year after hearing this tagline, but apparently they really do have a commercial where an angry beaver bites a man’s fire hose work pants, and it breaks its teeth on the pants. It’s a cartoon of it happening, but I’m sure it really happens from time to time, and I’ll bet they only did it that way to keep PeTA from picketing their company. {Little do they know, but even harm to cartoon animals for absurdist comedic purposes is considered animal abuse these days!})

Remote Control

I just got a new cable TV system! Yay! This is only the fifth one I’ve had to learn in the past few years. I had my old one, then there’s my sister’s old one, and her new one, then there’s my parents’, and now there’s this one. Actually, sorry: there’s also the old one at my parents’ house. It’s always awesome, because since everybody has copyrighted their system, no other one is allowed to have the same configuration. And that means that you’re always pressing the wrong buttons automatically for awhile, which rules. Some people don’t like doing this, but they’re losers: screwing up on a new TV remote and ordering all kinds of expensive movies by accident is one of the last pleasures left in this life. And the way the government’s going, pretty soon, that will be illegal too, like bread and soda and candy. Oh, and drugs. Unless they’re pharma drugs, which are fine, so long as they’re expensive, and from corporations that donate to both political parties. (This is what Coke and Pepsi need to start doing! Oh, and coke and heroin, too.)

The only problem I have with this whole thing of every company having a completely different remote control configuration is this: why stop there? How come car companies don’t sue each other over using the same pedals & steering wheel & dash board configuration? Someone thought of it first, and only they should be allowed to use it! (This could give American cars an edge in the marketplace!) So every time you bought a new car, then you could take pleasure in enjoying learning a new system, like a gas pedal on your left hand, and leaning side-to-side in your seat for steering, etc. And every car would be totally different! Think of the hours of fun it would be! Plus, drunk driving and cell phone use would no longer seem so dangerous anymore; not next to all these confusing system configurations!

And since most people spend more time watching TV than driving, then why treat it as less important than driving? If safety is a concern in driving, where people aren’t even allowed to drink, then why not TV, where people drink and watch TV all the time? Isn’t it asking for people to throw TV remotes through TV sets, and out through windows and into moving cars? In fact, these confusing TV remotes may end up being more dangerous for drivers than we originally thought…

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

CNN Not Allowed to Videotape OWS Eviction

Anderson Cooper had a report on the Occupy Wall Street eviction this evening, and the field reporter said they weren’t allowed to videotape what was happening. Well, if they’re still using videotape cameras, it’s no wonder tech snobs like the NYPD wouldn’t let them shoot any pictures of what was happening. I would have thought they would have direct-to-hard-disk cameras by now, but if they’re still using those lame old videotape cameras, it serves them right! No metropolitan police force wants to be shown pushing people around on lame old crappy cameras anymore: you can hardly even identify them on that kind of picture! But from the language they used, it was clear that if they had simply brought up-to-date equipment, they could have had great coverage of the whole thing. But then they’d probably only have a VHS tape deck to play it back on. Losers.

Leslie Caron

TCM just showed Gigi again on Sunday. I like Leslie Caron more and more every time I see her nowadays. Apart from An American in Paris, I think her biggest hits were movies named after a character she played where the name is a repeated two-letter first-syllable beginning with a consonant and ending in the letter “I”: Gigi, and Lili. These were so big for her, you’d think they would have stuck with the formula. That’s what Hollywood usually does! She could have made lots more of them: Bibi, Cici, Didi, Fifi, and Mimi. And if those did well too, then they could just make up new ones and just go down the alphabet, like: Hihi, Jiji, Nini, Pipi, Riri, Sisi, etc., all the way up to Zizi. Think of how much more famous she would be had they followed that plan! She might still be making them! (But they might have to round the alphabet again, with movies like Gigigigi, Lililili, etc. Or maybe just a different way of writing it, like giGi, or Gi Gi, or G.G. Who knows, maybe G.G. Allin was trying to follow her path to success!)

And I know what you’re thinking: Why not do this with An American in Paris instead? So then they could have made An American in Marseilles, An American in Cannes, An American in Monte Carlo, An American in Bordeaux, etc. Then, if they did well, they could have moved on to different countries. (Yes, I know Monte Carlo isn’t in France. I just put it in there to annoy French people.) And each time, Leslie Caron would be the love interest for Gene Kelly, who’s trying to make it as some artist or whatever in whichever city they’re in. He’s done a painter, so then he could be a failed sculptor, a failed photographer, a failed puppeteer, a failed ballet dancer, a failed poet, etc., all being chased by Nina Foch with a different accent in every city. It couldn’t have missed! Why didn’t they do it? (They’d do it today! No movies that makes money, or even those that don’t, are allowed to go sequel-less. It simply isn’t done!)

Obama Calls Americans “Lazy”

I heard from someone that President Obama called Americans “lazy” recently. I didn’t actually hear it myself, but someone said he did it. I was going to watch the news, you see, but the remote was on the coffee table, and I would have had to get up to reach it, so I just figured I’d do it later. And I was going to write something about it before, but I was kinda tired, and after all, is it really worth it to bother about it? It is pretty insulting, though, and I would really probably vote against him next time for saying that, but it’s such a hassle to vote and stuff. They make you register first, and then you have to go somewhere to cast your vote, and there aren’t even cookies or anything. But he’s got some nerve calling us lazy! He’s the president, I thought he was supposed to do everything. Maybe he’s the lazy one, blaming us for everything! Whatever!

Republican Mad Libs

Oh, the news is all abuzz about Herman Cain’s problem answering questions about Libya. And it’s just because of media bias! We all may know about what happened in Libya, but that’s just because we’re not being accused of sexual harassment! (Again.) That’s very distracting, so everyone should give him a break! This is a smear campaign and nothing else! And I must admit, it was extremely prescient of the Democrats to have had women accuse him of stuff years ago, knowing that he’d be running for president now. They must have a really good psychic! Or do they just have people set-up every conservative all the time, just in case they decide to run for president someday? (They ought to do that, if they’re not doing it yet! It’s the right plan for America!)

But hey, running for President is hard, especially for people who aren’t real politicians. And for people who are politicians, but aren’t very smart. Or aren’t good at debating. Or whatever excuse you want to use. That’s why the RNC needs to adopt a new policy with regard to answering questions, because as Newt Gingrich has pointed out, every question they get is a “gotcha” question. Or was that Sarah Palin who said that? Oh, I’m confused too! That’s why we all need Republican Mad Libs to help us answer the tough questions!

Republican Mad Libs are a sort of talking-point-style answer-all solution to liberal media “gotcha” questions: simply memorize them, and fill in the blanks as necessary. There would be a few of them, maybe, or maybe they only need one. Let’s see, Herman Cain’s “gotcha” question on Libya could have been answered in this way:

“President Obama has destroyed America by ____________ (activity) _____________ (noun), because he is a naïve leader without the ____________ (noun) to __________ (verb) properly, and if he’s re-elected, he will destroy the country with his ____________ (adjective) _________ (noun).”

And in the case of Libya, it would have sounded like this:

“President Obama has destroyed America by invading (activity) Libya (noun), because he is a naïve leader without the experience (noun) to lead (verb) properly, and if he’s re-elected, he will destroy the country with his inexperienced (adjective) leadership (noun).”

See? That’s exactly like the kind of answer we usually hear from Republicans, right? (BTW: I know we didn't invade Libya, but I'm assuming Herman Cain doesn't know that.) So this is just an easy way for them to make an automatic answer about any topic, even if they don’t know anything about it. They just have to make sure they don’t start the answer without knowing what to fill in the spaces with, as that might give the game away! (Example: “President Obama has destroyed America by, um, what are we talking about again?”)

Sunday, November 13, 2011

College Football Team Animal Names

There are a lot of schools with scary-sounding predator names, like Lions and Tigers and Bears (Oh my!), but if it really came down to it, you’d scrap with one of those for your life, right? Sure, you might lose, but you’d go down swinging or try to run away clean. Either way, it’s respectable. But how about naming your college team after something scroungy and gross: some animal nobody would even want to touch, let alone fight!

Yes, there are a few animal names not yet taken, and they might put the heebie-geebies into your opponents before they even hit the field! So why not use such a name? What do I mean? How about the Rabid Raccoons, the Ravenous Rats, the Slimy Cockroaches, the West-Nile-Virus-Infected Mosquitoes, the Squishy Silverfish, the Vile Vermin, the Chiggers, the Lice, the Tapeworms, the Viruses, the Flesh-Eating Bacteria, etc. Your rivals might not want to have to tackle one of those, so you just might win the game!

Atlas Shrugged

There’s been a lot of to-do over the movie version of Atlas Shrugged. The right wanted it to be great. The left wanted it to be awful. Apparently, the lefties won this round. And to top it all off, the blurb on the DVD said it was about self-sacrifice! Hee hee.

But this was just Part 1! Surely Part 2 will be awesome! (Especially since they're not making it.) But what I don’t understand is how they couldn’t have fit it all in one 90-minute movie! It may be a thick novel, but the Cliff’s Notes are a lot thinner I’ll bet, and they should have based the movie on them. After all, how complicated do you have to make it when the point is that when business leaders and experts all quit due to government interference, the world stops functioning and everyone has to crawl on their hands and knees to beg them to come back. Or were they afraid we’d think about the recent Wall Street meltdown caused by business leaders and experts and laugh ourselves silly?

Hey, I have an idea of how they could make Atlas Shrugged as a 30-second cartoon: Atlas is holding the Earth up on his back, and some kid comes walking down the street and asks him what time it is. So Atlas shrugs. Then the kid says: “You’ve got a watch on, don’t you? It’s on your wrist there!” So Atlas pulls his wrist down to look, and the Earth comes falling off his back and goes rolling down the street. So Atlas goes running after it, yelling: “You damn kid! I’ll get you!” And the kid guffaws his way home. The End.

I heard that’s better than the movie.

Anyway, here’s the story about the silly DVD cover mix-up:

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Starship Captain’s Choice

Friskies cat food makes a flavor called “Sea Captain’s Choice”. That got me thinking that they could probably corner the market on Star Trek nerds’ cat food needs by having a flavor called “Starship Captain’s Choice”. It could say it’s made from Ferengi fish and Romulan rats and stuff. Yum yummy!

Then they could have ads showing a Federation starship captain fighting these alien beasts to the death before they’re made into cat food. And of course, they should have a cat in a Star Trek uniform on the can!

Ford Press Conference Ads

Ford made a big splash with conservative groups when they ran an ad a couple months ago where some guy said he bought his Ford because he didn’t want to buy a car from a company that was bailed out by the government. Then apparently liberal groups got mad, and Ford pulled the ad, claiming it had run its course anyway, and then they replaced it with another and then another press conference interview ad, where they say other stuff about why they bought the cars. These are boring. What would have been fun is if they had said it was just a coincidence that the first ad had a guy who didn’t like the bailouts, and that more ads were coming; but when they showed the new ads, each one was more and more anti-Obama in tone, and then each time they could say that they didn’t know it would seem like that, and that the people were just being honest, etc. That would be so funny!

So the second ad could have had some lady say she bought her Ford because she “didn’t want no pansy-assed electric Commie car, like that Socialist activist president wants to force us to drive!” Then the next ad could be a Larry the Cable Guy look-alike guy who says: “I bought a Ford ‘cause I wasn’t gonna waste my hard-earned money on a company that supports a secret Muslim who’s tryin’ to overthrow our country!” And then they could have some lady with a “Forget, Hell!” hat with a Confederate soldier on it say: “I bought a Ford because they didn’t take no bribe money from that Kenyan interloper who’s pretending to be our president!” And then whenever anyone complained about it, Ford could just say that they didn’t know they’d say that, and they were just showing random Americans expressing their honest opinions, and why didn’t they like the First Amendment, etc. That would be a hoot! And I’ll bet they’d sell a lot of cars to Tea Party types too! But they could kiss everyone else goodbye, I’ll bet.

But apparently the White House complained to Ford about that first anti-bailout ad (They deny it, but I’m assuming they’re lying. They are politicians, after all.), and that’s when they changed the ad. But if the White House had leaned on Ford about the ad, it would have been a perfect revenge to cherry-pick extreme conservatives for the following ads, and then just to make a public apology saying they were sorry about them, but it’s not their fault if everyone disagrees with the direction the country’s taken. We rarely see stuff like that happen, so it would have been hilarious! But I’ll bet they’d find that Ford had a whole new set of gas-mileage standards to meet if they did it!

(BTW: This isn't a political statement: I just think it would have been hilarious if they had done that with the Ford ads. Personally, I’m glad they saved the auto industry, but I understand the criticism of bailing out failing institutions too. I just think it’s more the economy at the moment, and that the auto companies were heading in the right direction when the crash occurred.)

Here’s that Ford ad with the anti-bailout guy: