Friday, April 29, 2016

Snickers ISIS (Joke) Ads

Last night on The Nightly Show, Larry Wilmore said ISIS's recent money crunch means they can no longer provide their fighters with energy drinks and Snickers bars, and I thought: "Wow? Snickers? Do they send them to ISIS for product placement?" And then I realized that this would make the best ever: "You're not yourself when you're hungry" ads for Snickers!

First, we could see some guy like Jihadi John cutting people's heads off, and the next victim in line hands him a Snickers, he eats it, and then he turns into some normal flabby dude. Then we hear the bit about how you're not you when you're hungry, yada yada, so buy Snickers. But then he still cuts the guy's head off anyway for feeding him something that could lead to obesity while he's on a diet.

Then, in the next ad, a suicide bomber is about to set off their bomb vest in a crowded bus terminal when someone hands him a Snickers, he eats it, and then he turns into some normal guy. Then we get the spiel about how you're not you when you're hungry, and eat a Snickers, etc. He's still wearing the bomb vest, though, so the cops shoot and kill him anyway.

Then in the next vignette, an ISIS propagandist is ranting against America and trying to encourage supporters to conduct "lone wolf-style attacks", and then he turns to his lieutenant and says he's hungry and not feeling like himself, so the lieutenant hands him a Snickers bar, he eats it, and he turns into a way less radical-looking guy. Then we get the voiceover guy telling us we're not ourselves when we're hungry, and the guy now says he still hates America, but not quite as much as before, and no matter what, people inspired by ISIS should under no circumstances attack a Snickers manufacturer or distributor.

How does that sound, Snickers? Don't you want to exploit this new story for maximum advertising potential? No? Oh, well: just let this lark slip through your fingers, then.

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Jaguar Laser Pointer Test Facility Ad (Proposed)

In this proposed ad for Jaguar using their new: “Unleash the Cats” slogan, we open at a Jaguar testing facility at night, and the engineers want to test out the new Jaguar to be sure it’s: “all cat”, or: “cat enough to be a Jaguar”. So they start the car, and the engineers use a laser pointer, which they point all over the track, and the Jaguar chases it all over with great speed and agility, just like a cat would do, showing what great handling capabilities Jaguar cars have.

The Redactor: Government Superhero

The Freedom of Information Act has threatened to reveal public information about what our government is doing with our tax dollars! Who will save the day for a corrupt, incompetent government? Why, it’s none other than The Redactor!

Thousands upon thousands of government documents have been requested under FOIA, as well as subpoenaed by oversight committees: who can keep up with covering up that much incriminating information at such a brisk pace? Why, this is exactly the superpower The Redactor possesses!

Born on another world (Corrupton) with an absurdly corrupt government and a Freedom of Information Act of their own, The Redactor was born with the power to redact all incriminating government documents in a single bound, because he was born into a family of Redactors! But when the corruption became too great, Corrupton exploded into a cesspool of corruption, and The Redactor was sent to Earth in a special space ship and sent to Earth, the next second most corrupt planet in the universe, to help all corrupt governments hide the truth from ever being known by their tax-paying citizens! He even has a super-powered pen from Corrupton that never runs out of black ink to redact with!

That’s the Redactor: He fights for untruth, injustice, and the American Way!

Rosemary’s Baby Formula

If movies are any guide, it’s the end times, and you never know when you might be abducted or drugged by some Satanic cult and impregnated with the Antichrist. And when this happens to you, you’re going to need Rosemary’s Baby Formula!

Antichrist babies cannot reach their demonic, world-ending potential with only feeding on puny human breast milk. That’s why there’s Rosemary’s Baby Formula, specially formulated for all your growing Antichrist’s nutritional needs!

That’s Rosemary’s Baby Formula: Your little Antichrist needs a lot of nutrition if he or she is going to bring on the end of days!

Now with more tannis root and brimstone!

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Prince Ad Salutes We Missed

The Dove soap logo crying purple tears

Burger King changes its name to Burger Prince, with purple milkshakes

Purple-Color Rain-X Limited Edition

Totes Purple Umbrella (for Purple Rain)

Prince Spaghetti Purple Pasta with Purple Meat Sauce

Raspberry Pop-Tarts shaped like berets (Limited Edition, with a mix of raspberry and blueberry filling {Who am I kidding: It’s all raspberry artificial flavoring with food coloring!}, and with purple frosting)

Cherry Moon Pies

Hot Wheels Little Red Corvette (with purple interior)

(BTW: I know many people think it’s crass commercialization for a corporation to make a salute to a dead celebrity with their brand, but I disagree, unless it’s really tasteless {Like if Milk of Magnesia had done a Michael Jackson ad right after his death: you know, something like that; or if some airline did a “Free Bird” ad after the Lynyrd Skynyrd plane crash that killed Ronnie Van Zant, featuring the dead band members: “They get a free ticket to heaven!” Actually, if they said the last part, people might have given it a pass.}. People who work for brands might just want to use their raised public profile to make a real gesture they couldn’t make by themselves. Also, if the idea is creative, I always give them a pass, although many might not. I just think differently about it: I will never buy some pizza or laundry detergent because they made it black when Johnny Cash died or whatever: it’s just a gesture. Maybe it’s crass commercialization, or maybe it’s really heartfelt, but from the Twitter account of a corporation: I don’t know, and I almost don’t care. As long as the idea is good or fun, then it’s better than nothing, in my book. And who cares anyway? You can always just choose to ignore what you don’t like.)

Farnsworth the Fart (The Children’s Book)

In this children’s book about a fart with stars in his eyes, Farnsworth the Fart loves movies and TV, so he decides he wants to become a movie or TV star. But when he tries out for talent shows and such, everyone says he stinks, he’s putrid, and tells him to blow it out his ass. Oh, but after working diligently on his comedy routine long and hard, people love it, and say he’s a gas! Then he gets a big Hollywood talent agent who tells Farnsworth: “Kid, once I put a fire under your ass, you’ll really blow up this town!”

It’s all the fart jokes you can pack into an inspirational children’s story, it’s: Farnsworth the Fart, coming soon to a bookstore near you!

(Actually it’s not. While kids may love the idea, since children love fart jokes, parents might fold their arms in disapproval. I don’t know why, though: all parents today told their share of fart jokes when they were children, and they know it!)

BTW: I just saw a segment on Red Eye with Fuller House’s Dave Coulier where he talks about his new children’s book: The Adventures of Jimmy Bugar, about a booger who wants to be in showbiz. Obviously, Farnsworth the Fart is a joke on that idea, but with a fart instead of a booger, and with success in comedy/acting instead of music as the character’s ultimate goal.

Jaguar: Unleash the Cats!

There’s a silly Jaguar ad where they try to go all sophisto Bond villain on us, with Tom Hiddleston, and some underground MI-6-type laboratory lousy with expensive sculptures where they’re developing the ultimate Jaguar cars while sipping vintage wines and sitting around on leather divans and such. And near the end, Tom Hiddleston says: “Release the cats!”

So I have to wonder: is driving a Jaguar like herding cats? If your car won’t start, will they tell you: “It’s not broken: it’s taking a cat nap”? And if it stalls out before a race, maybe they’ll tell you it’s fine; it’s just a: “scaredy cat”.

Hey, how about this for their next slogan: “Get a Jaguar so it makes sense to use kitty litter in your garage!”

Hey, how about a Jaguar ad where some super slick sexy man is driving his super slick sexy Jaguar down the street at night, and some snarky kids notice it’s a Jaguar and decide to use a laser pointer on the street to see if the Jaguar is really a cat. So they move the laser pointer all around the street, and the Jaguar starts doing power slides, donuts, etc., trying to chase the laser pointer, and the announcer says: “Only one car can handle like this in such extreme conditions: Jaguar: Unleash the cat!”

No? They don’t want to do these ideas? Oh, well. (Actually, I think the laser pointer ad idea is pretty darn good, and could be so much fun if directed well.)

Here’s the “Unleash the Cats” Ad:

Is It Soup Yeti

When I was a little kid, there was an ad campaign for, I think it was Lipton Soup, some instant soup brand I think some people use for making casseroles, where kids nagged their mother, as she was trying to make their soups: “Is it soup yet?”

Well, I think they did themselves a disservice by not taking this idea to the next level with an advertising mascot called: “The Is It Soup Yeti”.

The Is It Soup Yeti would be the character of “Bumble” from the Rankin/Bass Christmas Special: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer; and for those of you who remember, he got all his teeth pulled out by that elf who wanted to be a dentist, so now he can only eat soup. And so was born his passion for Lipton Soup!

And as the Is It Soup Yeti made the soup for the kids, they’d constantly nag him, asking: “Is it soup, Yeti?”

Wow, what a shame they didn’t use this obvious ad mascot that would have made Lipton Soup king of the soup hill by now, if it’s possible to make a hill out of soup.

This is Bumble before he became the Is It Soup Yeti:

And this is after Bumble became the Is It Soup Yeti:

Monday, April 25, 2016

TrussTed: The Secret Bondage-Themed Ted Cruz Campaign Website

Only a select few pervert billionaires know about it, but TrussTed is the secret Ted Cruz campaign bondage website for dark money donations where, for a large fee, you get to see Ted Cruz tied up any way you want, live!

With all the people who dislike Ted Cruz, were this website to become public knowledge, he may earn more money for his campaign than any candidate in American history! (And he would have earned it, too.)

Audi Beyoncé “Lemonade” Ad (Joke/Proposed)

In this joke/proposed ad for Audi (or, indeed, any foreign luxury car), we see the scene from Beyoncé’s “Lemonade” where she attacks the Camaro with a baseball bat, but this time it’s an Audi R8, so she admires the car, thinks about what a great car it is, imagines herself winning it in a divorce settlement, laughing as she is handed the keys, and then imagines herself driving it. Then, in the next scene, we see her drop her baseball bat down on the desk of a divorce lawyer, who looks up at her and smiles, with dollar signs in his eyes, like in the cartoons (along with the: “Cha-ching!” cash register sound effect).

Ash Vs. Evil Dad

Have an evil stepfather? Then this show is for you: Ash Vs. Evil Dad!

In this exciting new show on Starz, it is after the events of Ash Vs. Evil Dead, and he’s killed all the Deadites’ evil dead incarnations and everything, and now he wants a new challenge! And so like Bulldog Drummond once did, he places an ad (this time on Craigslist) looking for damsels in distress and others to help in an effort to stave off getting bored. (He wants some action!)

Well, no sooner than he answers his first ad but he finds himself face-to-face with the villain of the Stepfather horror movies! And what do you know, but that stepfather guy has become so successful at terrorizing and killing and such for profit that he’s franchised the evil stepfather business across the country!

And so now Ash must defeat evil stepfather after evil stepfather across the country until the evil stepthreat is no more!

It’s nonstop action, as he tracks down the evil stepfathers and step-by-step, stepfather-by-stepfather, he destroys the network and rescues all the families under threat!

Actually, they’re not going to make it, but you know you want to see it anyway, so call Starz and demand they make: Ash Vs. Evil Dad!