Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Purina Whisker Lickin's Ad (Proposed)

Now, I know it might sound counter-intuitive to use a song from a band named Bow Wow Wow for an ad for cat treats, but whenever my sister's cats nag us for the Purina Whisker Lickin's cat treats, they are so demonstrative, it makes me sing: "I want cat treats! I want cat treats!" to the tune of Bow Wow Wow's "I Want Candy". And it seems to me that for once, they wouldn't have to starve the animals to get them to act like they want the food, because cats just go crazy for these cat treats. (I have plenty of experience with cat food products ads claim have "a taste cats really love" {my experience has been that generally cats just sniff these things, give me a look of betrayal, mock-bury the stuff, and walk away}, but Whisker Lickin's: cats really do love these!)

So my proposed ad for Purina Whisker Lickin's Crunch Lovers cat treats would have cats meowing and rubbing up on (and circling) someone's legs in a kitchen, and when the person grabs a bag or bottle of Whisker Lickin's, the cats go crazy, standing up on two legs, stretching way up as far as they can to get them. Then the person puts a handful on the floor, some in front of each cat (of let's say three cats), and the cats eat them up, intensely enjoying every savory bite. (This is how it plays out in my sister's house each day.) And while this is happening, we hear a reworked cover version of "I Want Candy" singing: "I want cat treats! I want cat treats!"

Abba Pet Adoption Ad (Proposed)

Abba has a wonderful song called "Take a Chance on Me" which I think would make a great pet adoption ad. So rather than heart-string-tugging, guilt-tripping ads trying to browbeat people into adopting a shelter/rescue animal, this would be a cute, hopeful, engaging spot featuring lots of cute, excited-looking dogs. And with a slight lyrical tweak, the song could be made specific for dogs or cats. Here's what I mean about the lyrics (some new, some original):

If you need a pet, I'm a quite good bet,
I'm a sweet puppy, take a chance on me, (For an ad for cats, change 'puppy' to 'kitty')
If you need me let me know, gonna be around,
If you've got no place to go, we can hang around.

If you're all alone, you can choose to take me home,
I'm completely free, take a chance on me,
I'll be the sweetest pet you could ever want,
I've just been to the vet, and I've had my shots.

Take a chance on me... (We see a cute puppy/dog lovingly looking at the camera)
Take a chance on me... (We see another cute puppy/dog sweetly looking at the camera)

(Ads are short, so we'd skip the verses.)

If you change your mind, I'm the first in line,
Honey I'm still free, take a chance on me,
I'll do my very best and it ain't no lie,
If you put me to the test, if you let me try.

If you're all alone, you can come and take me home,
I'm completely free, take a chance on me,
I'll be the nicest pet that you'll ever spot,
I've just been to the vet, and I've had my shots.

Take a chance on me... (Another puppy/dog lovingly looking at the camera)
Take a chance on me... (And a different puppy/dog sweetly looking at the camera)

Ba ba bow wow wow, ba ba bow wow wow,
I'm completely free, take a chance on me.

(For cats: Ma ma meow meow meow, ma ma meow meow meow.)

(During the verses, we'd see people visiting and playing with the dogs, and then video of dogs running around in parks, catching Frisbees, chasing sticks, and at home excitedly and happily greeting people returning home {with a subjective camera of a front door opening to find the dog welcoming them home} and then the dog licking people's faces.)

Here's the original Abba song, "Take a Chance on Me" (Abba is so good they never go out of style, so their stuff will always work):


(Pet adoption agencies and the SPCA are mostly non-profit groups trying to save animals and find them loving homes, as well as provide people with loving pets, so I would think it's possible if not likely that a band would be willing to let them use their songs for free in ads if they asked nicely first and pointed out that it's not for profit, but rather, just to help save, care for and shelter animals, and to let people know where they can adopt these animals. It doesn't hurt to ask: the worse that can happen is for the band to say: "No", and then just think of something else. But you have to ask first: remember the Goldie Blox/Beastie Boys thing. But a non-profit ad is not the same thing as a for-profit ad: it's more like a PSA.)

Monday, December 30, 2013

Gandalf Grecian Formula

Have you gone from Gandalf the Gray to Gandalf the White, but wish you were back to Gandalf the Brown? Then try Gandalf Grecian Formula, the magically natural-looking hair dye for wizards! Sure, being an older wizard makes you look wise and powerful, but you won't attract the ladies like you used to. Plus, if you're back to brown, villains will underestimate your magical abilities and you can defeat them more easily! So bring back the young-looking, virile wizard in you with Gandalf Grecian Formula: the magical way to turn back the tide of time in your hair! Yes, tell time: "You shall not pass!" when it comes to your hair color, with Gandalf Grecian Formula! (Also available in Gandalf the Blond!)

New Sleep Number Bed Advertising Strategy?

In watching a new commercial for the Sleep Number Bed, I noticed something I hadn't seen before: the Sleep Number Bed lists the names of the people who use the bed on the controller when it saves their settings. So someone could easily catch their cheating spouse when they see another man's or woman's name in the controller. Why, no other mattress system can do that, can it? So to be sure your marriage remains strong, or to catch an unfaithful partner, remember, only a Sleep Number Bed has the special bed user name system to keep you comfortable with just the right support for both your body and your relationship fidelity (or failing that, to bust the unfaithful)!

I wonder when we can expect to see the Sleep Number Bed ads touting this feature?

Hairstyle Helmets

A news story today saw a doctor warning us of the need for wearing helmets during dangerous sporting activities; but as the doctor was bald, it made me think of something: Hairstyle Helmets!

Yes, it's Hairstyle Helmets: the helmets for bald men that look like natural, sexy hair! Yes, you can have the hair of your dreams, and also the protection your cranium needs for your dangerous, daredevilesque macho lifestyle! That's Hairstyle Helmets: ask for them by name and point at your bald pate.

They're tough enough to protect your head in even the most dangerous of activities, and they're so stylish and comfortable, you'll never want to take them off! (And you shouldn't, either: it's a rough & tumble world out there.)

Hairstyle Helmets come in a wide variety of styles! There's:

'50s Greaser
Long-Haired Hippie
Burly Curly
Jheri Curl
Hi-Top Fade
Blonde Dreadlocks
Spiky Punk Rocker
Ted Koppel/Will Ferrell Anchorman Extra-Padded Hair Helmet

Then the doctor could warn us about helmet safety with a full head of gorgeous hair and say: "And I'm wearing one right now!"

"Frozen" Climate Change PSA (Proposed)

The recent Disney animated movie Frozen has a character (Elsa, Queen of Arendelle) who can cause things to freeze, including her entire kingdom. This is treated as a negative thing in the movie, and at the end she thaws everything out. Oh, but we know that thawing out the Arctic is having some, shall we say, unintended consequences in the real world. And since Elsa is the Ice Queen, I think she would make a good ambassador for the issue of climate change for PSAs aimed at the younger generation.

Here's how this PSA would work: Elsa, Ice Queen of Arendelle from the Disney movie Frozen, would be playing and having snowball fights with her friends out in the beautiful frozen land of Arendelle, and she would notice someone is filming her, stop playing and speak to the camera, saying: "Hi, I'm Elsa. In the movie Frozen, I have the power to freeze the whole kingdom, but in real life, I don't have any super powers. So the more the climate warms up, the more we lose our beautiful winter wonderland. And while I can't do anything about it, you can! Please join with us to help save the climate at (whatever organization), and help keep the Arctic Frozen!"

(And yes, I see the irony of writing a climate change ad right now.)

Frozen 2 (And Frozen 3)

As we know, the movie Frozen ends with our troubled ice queen Elsa releasing her anger and embracing love, which thaws out all the frozen stuff. Which of course makes her solely to blame for global warming. So, naturally, in Frozen 2: Climate Crisis, a panicked populace, in the wake of devastating climate change throughout the world due to the melted Arctic region (thanks to former Ice Queen Elsa), must try to reawaken Elsa's fear and loathing in order to get her to freeze everything again and save the planet! (And they can't kill her, or else winter will be gone forever!) Oh, but Elsa is not so easily manipulated nor fooled, and so she responds by removing the cold even further. And so, with Elsa's heart frozen and the globe a heating, melting ball of mass panic, one heroic Prince Charming character must find a way to melt her heart and get her to bring back the cold to the polar region, saving the world! It's all the drama and pathos you can take, as well as lots of Broadway-style show tunes to warm your heart; it's Frozen 2: Climate Crisis, coming soon to a theater near you!

Then, if this is a big hit too, each sequel can continue to beat us over the head with climate change propaganda, like Frozen 3: Defrosted. In this installment, our heroic ice queen Elsa loses her cryokinetic freezing powers, immediately and dramatically heating up the globe, causing worldwide panic and devastation. And so Elsa must team up with her Prince Charming-type character from Frozen 2 (and her sister and her boyfriend, but not the comedy relief snowman: sorry, he melted to show us how serious climate change is) to find out who is responsible and defeat them. And, naturally, it ends up being some evil queen/fire dragon character (like Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty, but with a Heat Miser twist) who has used black magic to steal Elsa's cryokinesis so she can turn the world into a furnace-like wasteland similar to Mordor in The Lord of the Rings. So our ragtag group of stalwart heroes must find a way to defeat the evil, recover Elsa's cryokinetic frusen gladje, refreeze the Arctic, stabilize global temperatures, defeat climate change, and save the day yet again!

And of course these movies will present plenty of opportunity for product placement from companies who want to reverse their image of being to blame for climate change, so maybe oil companies will help Elsa by developing some space-age plastic shield as a protection against evil magic, coal companies will provide her with a smog shield/weapon behind which she can conceal herself to fight the dragon, airlines will help her and her gang travel around the globe, etc. And then all our kids will learn that these industries are really the good guys!

(Just kidding. But there will likely be a Frozen 2 with some retread plot line pretty soon.)

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Poor Kids of Beverly Hills

I just saw a promo for yet another reality show about spoiled cost-no-object people called Rich Kids of Beverly Hills, and the tagline was: "See how the other half lives it up!" But haven't we seen plenty of  shows like this already? How about something new?

Yes, of course I am suggesting a new show: Poor Kids of Beverly Hills. Now, don't worry, they're not actually poor; they're only poor by Rich Kids of Beverly Hills standards. And because they are rich but don't have unlimited funds (in a world where everyone else has unlimited funds), they have to suffer the indignity of wearing hand-me-down Christian Louboutin shoes, using their parents' Louis Vuitton bags, wearing last years' couture runway fashions, etc. Plus, they get teased for driving Audi A4 and BMW 3-series, Porsche Boxsters, and other middle-of-the-line luxury cars. And in this way we could enjoy watching rich people, but see them abused like poor people. It would be like killing two urges at once: seeing extravagance, but enjoying the schadenfreude of rich people suffering.

That's Poor Kids of Beverly Hills: Coming soon on A&E (The Arrogance and Extravagance Network)!

Viagra Limousine Ad (Joke/Proposed)

Viagra has ads where they claim this is the age of knowing how to get stuff done, and at least two of the ads in this campaign involve motor vehicles of some sort: a boiling-over vintage Camaro, and a pickup truck towing a horse carrier thingy getting stuck in the mud. And since each of these ads show a middle-aged man having a problem of some sort with his car that must be solved, but which has nothing whatsoever to do with what Viagra does, I thought it might be fun to make a (joke) commercial solving a car-related problem in a manner which clearly demonstrates what Viagra is for.

So here's how this ad would work: A middle aged man would have to drive a large group of people somewhere, but he only has a sedan. (It's a luxury sedan, but it's still not big enough to fit everyone.) So the announcer says that this is the age of knowing how to make things happen, and to demonstrate this idea, this man pops the hood of his sedan, opens the radiator, drops a Viagra tablet into the car's radiator, and then starts the car, causing the car to grow into a stretch limousine long enough to fit everyone in his group. So they all pile into the limo and drive away as the logo for Viagra appears on the screen.

See? Wouldn't that better communicate the idea of what Viagra does than a guy using horses to drag his truck out of the mud, or a guy pouring water into his car radiator? Plus, while my scenario here absolutely communicates the idea of what Viagra does, it does so in a manner that's completely family-friendly, as it's simply an obtuse metaphor presented in a visual manner that's not objectionable whatsoever. Plus, it's extremely memorable, and I seriously doubt anyone who saw it would ever forget it, which is why I am presenting this as a proposed ad as well as a joke ad: I think it would work very well as a real ad for Viagra.

Unbelievably, I cannot find the Viagra ad with the Camaro, but here's an article about it:


Here's the actual Viagra ad with the pickup truck & horses:


BTW: I wrote a piece about the pickup truck & horses ad back in 2011, and that post is here:


Saturday, December 28, 2013

A High Steaks Proposition

Happy cows come from California, but that may be about to change, as Colorado's newly legal cannabis begins to find its way into the livestock feed. You know some joker will try it, probably while high himself. And by then, the steaks will be high indeed! And pretty soon, no matter how you cook your steaks, they'll all be baked or fried. So it's only a matter of time before there's a company specializing in dope-fed cattle beef called: "High Steaks", "The Steaks Are High", or "Rocky Mountain High", you'll see. (The tagline can be: "The meat that gives you the munchies!") I only wonder if they will be sold only in the Colorado area, or if they will be available across the country.

Chef Michael's Attack Ads Against Other Healthy Dog Food Brands?

We all know there is now a market for healthy dog food, with brands like Purina One, Blue Wilderness, and Chef Michael's. But how are we supposed to know which one to get if they don't make attack ads against each other, like in politics? So here are a couple of ideas for (joke) attack ads Chef Michael's could make against Purina One and Blue Wilderness.

Purina One Attack Ad: While the Three Dog Night song "One Is the Loneliest Number" plays, we see lots of sad-looking dogs (individually) whining and crying and barking balefully, like in those Sarah McLaughlin ads, only this time they're each alone and sad in an apartment. Then the announcer says: "Yes, one is the loneliest number, and when dogs are alone, they're sad. And feeding them a dog food called "One" will only serve to remind them how alone they truly are, and it will devastate them!" Then we hear even louder, more mournful dog whining and crying, and then it stops, and the announcer adds: "Feed your dog Chef Michael's! With Chef Michael, they will never be alone!" Then we see Chef Michael playing with the dogs, and they're all jumping around joyously, with no more whining.

Here's the sad, lonely Three Dog Night song (sounds more like a one dog night):


Blue Wilderness Attack Ad: We hear the doleful howling of wolves in the night as we see a barren desert scape in the blue moonlight. Then the announcer says: "Have you ever wondered why wolves howl in such a melancholy manner? It's because the blue wilderness is so cold, lonely and unforgiving. So why feed your dog something that would remind them of such emptiness and unhappiness? Choose Chef Michael's! It gives your dog the warm comfort of a loving home in every bite!" Then we see Chef Michael petting a happy dog's head as the dog gazes up at him lovingly.

(BTW: This is all just silliness, and of course, Chef Michael's doesn't make any ads like these whatsoever.)

Volvo Michael Bolton Ad?

Honda has a Happy Honda Days ad campaign where Michael Bolton shows up inside cars and tortures Honda customers with his awful singing and "I'm too sexy" demeanor. And this reminded me of a safety feature Volvo once advertised: a key fob that can detect a heartbeat inside your car just in case someone is waiting inside your car to kill you, like perhaps Michael Bolton, with a vicious intent to torture you to death with crappy pop songs. And then it struck me that this Michael Bolton threat would make a great ad for how important that Volvo heartbeat detection safety feature is. (I think they only advertised this feature here once, but it was deemed a scare tactic. But now with this Michael Bolton threat, we see how desperately needed this feature really is!)

Here's how this Volvo safety feature spot would work:

We see a couple get into a Honda, and then Michael Bolton appears from the back seat and starts singing, causing the couple to cover their ears in pain and horror and, failing to stop the unbearable torture, drive into oncoming traffic, killing themselves and scores of other innocent motorists. Then the announcer says that there is a new deadly threat to motorists: that of Michael Bolton waiting in cars and popping out to start singing, causing drivers to commit suicide. But now, with the Volvo safety feature of the heartbeat monitor, you can tell if Michael Bolton is hiding in your car and call police, who will see the fate worse than death awaiting you inside the car and arrest the foul fiend.

Here's the audio anguish atrocity automobile advert:


And here's Volvo's heartbeat detection feature spot (Think of all the drivers who can be saved from the tormented torture of Michael Bolton!):


Honda Threatens Drivers with Michael Bolton

Has it really come to this? Honda is actually threatening people to buy Hondas or else they'll send Michael Bolton to torture them by singing inside their non-Honda cars. Wow, think of all the auto-related suicides we'll have: drivers who can't take it anymore driving off cliffs, driving into trees, driving into oncoming traffic! Oh, the humanity! Surely it's not legal to threaten people into buying products so flagrantly like this! Shouldn't the government step in and put a stop to these horrors?

Oh, wait: you mean these ads are showing how Michael Bolton will spontaneously appear and torture you with his crappy singing if you buy a Honda? Wow, Honda's going to lose a lot of customers this way! But for all those who don't buy the Hondas, think of all the lives that will be saved from all the motorist suicides of those subjected to Michael Bolton...

Here's the audio agony auto ad:


You know, if they really want to sell cars, Honda ought to show how if you buy a Honda, you get to choose where Michael Bolton shows up, and give buyers the option to have Michael Bolton show up in the middle of the freeway right in front of the car while they're speeding down the road. Then the Honda drivers could run him over, and they wouldn't even get blamed, since he's in the middle of the freeway, and they couldn't possibly have stopped in time to avoid hitting him. And maybe each driver could choose to do this again and again, day after day, running him over repeatedly. Then Honda would sell lots and lots of cars! And that way, people who like Michael Bolton could listen to his singing and enjoy his presence, and people who can't stand Michael Bolton could enjoy their revenge for years of being subjected to hearing his lame hoarse voice and hackneyed songs all over the place.

Now that I think about it though, this might not work. After all, the police are bound to notice that they are cleaning Michael Bolton off the freeway hundreds, possibly thousands of times per day and realize something is afoot. But then again, maybe they would see the poetic justice and just shrug it off: who knows?

(BTW: Please don't blame me for this idea: after all, Honda is the one threatening us with the horror of Michael Bolton appearing inside and outside of our cars. I couldn't help but think of this silly scenario as a form of psychological self-defense from such horrors.)

(And of course, this is just a silly joke, so no offense, I hope. While I'm not a big fan of Michael Bolton's music, he seems like a nice man, and I'm just being exaggeratedly absurd with this whole reversal of the ad concept.)

Friday, December 27, 2013

"Saving Mr. Banks" Conspiracy?

I just saw the delightful movie Saving Mr. Banks last night, and while it's fun, it may be more fictionalized than we think. Yes, in this movie, Walt Disney bends over backwards to convince a difficult and surly P.L. Travers to approve a movie version of her story: Mary Poppins. But she is very demanding about what she insists must not be included in the film: the apparently not classic enough Dick Van Dyke, the garish color red, and not any animation whatsoever. And after much wrangling and such, she finally agrees to permit all the stuff she doesn't want into the movie adaptation of her book.

Oh, but is this really so realistic? Why would someone completely drop all opposition to things they are so indignant about all of a sudden? I smell a Rickey Rat! Isn't it just possible that some other occurrence is more likely?

Yes, how do we know Walt Disney didn't have P.L. Travers bumped-off and replaced with a lookalike actress who then agreed to everything for the movie? After all, Hollywood is the dream factory filled with illusions, so if anyone could pull this sort of thing off, it would be them. And then, after dispensing with our author's objections, our hero could have all the red, Dick Van Dykes and cartoon penguins he wanted. And to keep anyone from suspecting, Disney could have his writing team write further books under her name. Then all her fans would be none the wiser.

Or, maybe what really happened is that Disney had the author cryogenically frozen while he was making the movie, provided an actress to pose as her at the premiere, and thawed her out later when it was too late to stop him from making the movie the way he wanted, and after the film was a big hit so she couldn't complain too much. Then, if she tried to accuse him of the dastardly plot, he could simply say: "Oh, she's just mad that we froze her out of the creative process once she signed over the rights, so she's exaggerating what happened. But she has no experience in motion pictures, so what else could we do?" And the plot would have done double duty by testing the cryogenic process to make sure it worked safely before Walt Disney used it on himself, as we all know he did.

(BTW: This is all just a joke! So please don't get Elsa, Queen of Arendelle, to cryogenically freeze me, Mr. Disney!)

Zales Valentine's Day "Heart of Gold" Ad (Proposed)

In this proposed Valentine's Day ad for Zales, a clip from the song "Heart of Gold" by Neil Young plays, and after we hear him sing "...keeps me searching for a heart of gold", the announcer says: "Have you found the heart of gold you've been searching for? Then show her how much she means to you this Valentine's Day with the "Heart of Gold" pendant from Zales!" (And the video shows a thirty-something couple coming home from work and greeting each other, with the man giving his lovely wife the "Heart of Gold" pendant and her kissing him and hugging him, with a tear in her eye; and then in a reverse shot, we see a tear in his eye, too.)

(And then the announcer could say: "And if you don't get her this pendant from Zales this Valentine's Day, then you obviously don't appreciate her enough, and she should divorce you immediately." {Just kidding.})

Here's the Neil Young song "Heart of Gold":


Audi Christmas Donation Ad

Ah, now I finally understand where Santa Claus got all those Mercedes cars in the Mercedes ads: people dumped their Mercedes keys into the Christmas donation cans when they saw an Audi driving down the street. (Too bad for Audi, because now Santa Claus voluntarily makes ads for Mercedes.)

Here's the altruistic Audi ad:


And here's who ultimately benefits from this philanthropy (Hey, Santa deserves something for all he gives to others, and maybe that appreciation is why everyone is donating their keys all along, and the Audi ad simply uses deceptive editing to make it seem as though it's seeing the Audi drive by that causes the donations):


Wednesday, December 25, 2013

The Ghost of Colorized Movies Past

FXM is showing the colorized version of the 1951 A Christmas Carol non-stop this Christmas, and when Jacob Marley's ghost first appears, I thought he was going to claim to be the Ghost of Colorized Movies Past, surely the most terrifying ghost of all to classic movie fans everywhere. And this ghost would be forced to carry along with it a chain made of all the clamshell VHS tape cases and VHS tapes from all the colorized classic movies, all held together with tangles of video tape, as a punishment for making those movies so needlessly unwatchable when they were already perfect in black & white. (A suitable punishment if you ask me, and hopefully one humiliating enough to prevent others from following the same path.)

Santa to UPS: "It's Not So Easy, Is It?"

Reportedly UPS will not be able to deliver numerous packages by Christmas, making plenty of people unhappy. Oh, but Santa Claus seemed fairly amused, saying: "This is what you get when you try to muscle me out of the Christmas delivery picture. You guys thought you were going to beat me in Christmas deliveries just because I'm old and ride a sleigh? Well, who's laughing now? It's not so easy, is it, delivering everyone's presents by Christmas?"

But Santa wasn't all snark, saying: "I'm just busting your chops, UPS! If it weren't for you guys, the Postal Service and FedEx, my job would be darn near impossible. So thanks, guys, and I'm sorry I didn't know early enough to help you finish this time around. I'm not allowed to deliver gifts before or after Christmas, you see: union rules, you understand."

Mother of Mercy Jeans

Charlie Rose's co-hosts on CBS This Morning this Christmas gave him a hard time about his "mom jeans", and I thought: "Really? On Christmas you have to judge his mom jeans?" But then I thought of something that might help protect against such ridicule for "mom jeans": Mother of Mercy Jeans!

Yes, are you old enough to need to wear "mom jeans" (like Charlie Rose or President Obama), but you get ridiculed and judged for wearing them by the fashion police? Well, scorn and teasing are a thing of the past when you wear Mother of Mercy Jeans: the "mom jeans" with the merciful fit.

Here's how they work: They're technically mom jeans, but they cover and fit in such a flattering way, they make you look hot and hip at any age! It's a miracle of fashion for the style-challenged in us all.

Remember, that's Mother of Mercy Jeans: The "mom jeans" that have mercy on you!

A Christmas Clairol: Clairol Christmas Ad (Proposed)

In this A Christmas Carol-based ad for Clairol hair dye, a woman who is the boss of her own company is grouchy all the time because she is unhappy with her hair, and she is always complaining about it. Oh, but one fateful Christmas night at home in her bed, she is visited by 3 spirits of beautiful hair: the Spirit of Blonde, the Spirit of Brunette, and the Spirit of Redhead; and these spirits show her how wonderful her life would feel if she could make her hair look the way she'd like it to, showing her hair one after the other, as a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, each time with a completely different hairstyle as well. And, waking the next morning to the revelation that the hair of her dreams is a reality at last with Clairol, she becomes a new and happy person, delighting everyone she meets and completely warming up her whole sphere of influence. (And her company goes from black & white film at the beginning to bright color film at the end, with the dream sequences shown in B&W with color in the hair.)

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Norad Santa Tracker

Every year those deceitful military propagandists show the Norad "Santa Tracker", where Santa's sleigh is tracked across the sky like an enemy combatant. But we all know Santa Claus delivers presents all over the whole world in one single night, and as such is way too fast to track on radar. Even a SR-71 Blackbird couldn't begin to keep up with Santa Claus!

But maybe they do this whole thing to give us a false sense of security about Norad's capabilities, as the real Santa Claus likely makes their entire system go haywire for a few short hours, showing crazy, blurred activity everywhere practically simultaneously. And you know this leaves us extremely vulnerable to attack from a rogue nation with a dirty bomb in a Santa sleigh. But that's the thing: if we can track it, it's not really Santa Claus: it's a sneak attack from a rogue nation, so hit it with the Strategic Defense Initiative! (Yes, SDI works now. That was the Pentagon's Christmas wish. Don't say we didn't warn you fake Santas!)

Mary Christmas

We see silly movies where people have to take over for Santa Claus, but have we seen Mary Christmas yet? (Probably.) Yes, Mary Christmas is Santa Claus's rebellious daughter, and when she stays out too late partying with her punk rock band, Santa stays up all night worrying, and he's too tired to deliver the gifts. (The usual type of device for such movies.) So this time Mary gets browbeaten into doing it by her mother, Mrs. Claus, who suggests that if Santa weren't always thinking of other people's children, maybe Mary would have felt more loved, and so surely she should want to help all other children feel loved. But being a rebellious teenager, she can't help replacing everyone's actual gifts with stuff like green hair dye, black fingernail polish, punk rock t-shirts, joke shop vomit, SM toys, cigarettes, etc.

Salvation Army Drafts Goodwill Seeking United Way to Help the Needy

Well, the headline says it all, doesn't it?

Hair Loss (Joke) Expensive Shampoo Ad

In this silly joke ad, a man with thinning hair would claim that his hair expects the best shampoo, and when he doesn't use the best, his hair falls out in protest. And that's why he'll only use the very best and most expensive shampoo: because otherwise his spoiled hair will notice and fall out and he'll go bald.

Union Body (The Animated Movie)

Some guy in some ad for Humira talks about making things work in his body, and I thought maybe they would work better if he paid them a living wage, and so his organs and hormones and bodily fluids and such ought to unionize. And then I thought: Hey, this idea could make a fun didactic healthy food and exercise animated movie for kids!

So here’s how this movie would work: Some kid just eats junk food all the time and plays video games and watches TV, and his internal organs start having a hard time, and so they revolt and form an alliance, creating a union of working body parts to rebel against the brain, forcing it to cause the kid to eat a more healthy diet and get some much needed exercise. (It would make a good propaganda film for the government Let’s Move program. And actually, as such, it would make a good ad or promo for the program, wouldn’t it?)

Reddi Wip Cherry Pie Ad

I just saw a commercial for Reddi Wip whipped cream where some woman tries a sample piece of pie in a supermarket, and she asks for Reddi Wip whipped topping on top of the pie. Well, this immediately made me think of the video for the hair-metal band Warrant's song "Cherry Pie", but with a product with the word 'whip' in the ad (actually, it's 'Wip', but it sounds the same as 'whip'), I couldn't help thinking of there being some elements of sadomasochism involved, like whips and leather riding crops and such.

Here's the secretly sadomasochistic supermarket spot:


And here's the Warrant video for "Cherry Pie", one of the silliest ever music videos:


Magick Mike

The movie Magic Mike was a hit, so I hear-tell they're making a sequel. Well, more of the same might be kind of dull, so I have a suggestion for the sequel: Magick Mike. (Magick is the spelling Aleister Crowley decided to use to differentiate occult magic from stage magic and illusions.*)

So in Magick Mike, a Crowleyan Thelema acolyte wishes to find multiple partners for his sex magick rituals, but every woman he meets thinks he's a creep because he just wants to perform sex magick rituals instead of develop a relationship and settle down, get married and have children. So in order to attract women, he makes a deal with an infernal spirit to make him look like Channing Tatum, and he becomes a male stripper. And after trying all kinds of sex magick rituals, most of them not turning out the way he had hoped, he decides he prefers being a male stripper to magick anyway, and just drops his Thelema hocus-pocus stuff for full-time stripping and go-go dancing.

And if the makers of the Magic Mike sequel don't wish to go in this direction, perhaps Magick Mike could become a spin-off or homage movie.

* Here's the Wikipedia page for Magick:


Monday, December 23, 2013

Acura MLX Beaten Path Ad

This rush hour traffic jam ad shows an empty exit ramp and the announcer says: “maybe it’s called the beaten path because it can be beaten” as a man in a car takes this route to find an open road. But my guess is that it’s called the beaten path because you will be beaten if you take it, and that’s why it’s empty. But I guess you’ll find out for yourself when you buy a brand new Acura and try to drive on that path.

Here’s the beaten path piece:

Acuvue Internet Ad

A new Internet ad for Acuvue contact lenses acts like people are still repressed for wearing glasses, and seeking to instill this insecurity in young people, they have a grid of four photos of young people in glasses with labels underneath them suggesting they are not what they want to be in life due to their glasses, for example: The Benchwarmer, The Bookworm, The Wallflower, The Backup Singer.

Yes, you cannot play sports with glasses: just ask Kareem Abdul Jabbar. Oh, um, maybe he’s a bad example because he played in glasses and is one of the greatest athletes of all time. But surely nobody else is allowed to play sports with glasses. And backup singers? I thought that was about having a great voice. You get to be the lead vocalist if you wrote the songs or founded the band: glasses are not an issue. Ever heard of Buddy Holly, or maybe John Lennon? Yeah, I think you’re allowed to be lead vocalist with glasses if you want.

Oh, but what about the bookworm or the wallflower? Yes, I guess Acuvue didn’t get the memo, but smart is sexy these days, and according to public perception, glasses make people look smart. This ad is merely attempting to exploit an unnecessary insecurity for profit, which is hitting below the belt, I think. Plus with so many great glasses styles to choose from nowadays, they are hardly the kind of minus they used to be. Some people even wear glasses as fashion accessories when their vision is perfect.

If I were making this ad, I wouldn’t act like someone needs contacts to be successful, but rather, that there are some instances where glasses may be a limitation, like someone’s glasses bouncing off while running, or a rock singer flinging her glasses off her head while performing (I have done that with sunglasses more than once). But there’s nothing socially demobilizing about glasses if you get nice ones, so they ought to cut that stuff out.

(But if they still want to go down this same ‘glasses are bad’ road, I guess they could make an ad where a nerd gets a wedgie with his glasses on as they bullies shout: Nerd!”, and then we could see how they still give him that same wedgie and yell: “Nerd!” when he has contacts. That is a more realistic scenario, I’d think. Oh, but then their argument about contacts falls apart, doesn’t it? Oh, well: never mind.)

PR for Justine Sacco?

Justine Sacco, a big time PR executive, has gotten fired over some insensitive tweets she made, the most recent one about a trip to Africa including an AIDS joke with racial overtones. (I’ll let you look it up on your own.)

Well, she is a PR person, so she ought to know just how badly she needs a PR person right now. And since she is a PR person, her PR person should tell her to say the following:

“Lots of people say things that get them in trouble on social media, and I was just giving examples of this kind of thing so everyone would recognize how much they need a PR company if they accidentally say stuff like I did on social media! Please just think of my comments as a guerilla marketing campaign for my PR company. It was all just intended as an advert.”

With a PR campaign like that, maybe she’d only have to apologize about everyone misunderstanding her quotes, so long as everyone bought the explanation. But my guess is she’ll use the more realistic PR approach for celebrities: going to rehab.

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Cisco Systems Concert Ad

I have been subjected to this ad while trying to watch things on YouTube so many times that I cannot help wanting to abuse it in some way in retaliation for it abusing me. But even after seeing it a bunch of times, I’m still not sure I know what they’re saying exactly. It seems like they’re suggesting a band could make a city’s trains late by having a concert go long? But what about all the people who need to take the train who didn’t go to the concert? I guess they have to sit around forever, huh? Well, screw them anyway for not going to the show! They must be punished, and that’s what Cisco is all about: arbitrarily punishing random people for stuff they’re oblivious to! (Awesome!)

Oh, and you know what: bands who do not sell out their concerts could play extra-long encores just to clog up the train lines and make everyone have to wait around in the cold all night to get home. I wonder if any bands will try this?

Here’s the arbitrarily abusive ad (Actually this is a longer version of the ad, which adds other elements besides merely ruining train schedules):

Abba “Mamma Mia” Sequel?

I think it’s easy to claim you don’t like ABBA, but once you hear their music, you just can’t help but dance and sing along. Their songs are so catchy, and so many of them are about love and such. But this band was once two married couples who later divorced. Wow, how ironic, after all their love songs, and especially when you consider their marriage-themed broadway musical Mamma Mia.

But there is always a silver lining in every situation, and for me it would be if the couples divorced after arguing by quoting their own song titles and lyrics against each other in context. That would be so much fun to watch as an absurdist romantic comedy, maybe ABBA should consider doing this after the Broadway show Mamma Mia eventually fizzles out.

Here’s an example:

Guitar player guy says: “I thought I was getting the Dancing Queen when I Took A Chance On You, but it ended up being my Waterloo, and not in a good way!”

And the singer says: “Mamma Mia! Voulez Vous to shut up already? I’ve been a Super Trouper putting up with your crap, and now you want to be rid of me?”

And the guitarist says: “I do, I do, I do, I do, I do.”

Then his singer wife says: “Oh yeah, well my divorce lawyer says The Winner Takes It All, and That’s Me, Honey, Honey! Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! all your Money, Money, Money.”

And the guitar players says: “Well, Knowing Me I’ll give you whatever you want, and Knowing You you’ll take everything! I’ve got to call a good lawyer and say: S.O.S.!”

I’ll bet it would be a big hit for people going through miserable divorces. And isn’t it the logical follow-up to the wedding play Mamma Mia? Just call it Wedding Waterloo, or maybe just S.O.S.)

(BTW: I love Abba, so just a joke, seeing as how they have the wedding play and both couples got divorced. Oh, and a special message to them: Thank You for the Music.)

Friday, December 20, 2013

Guitar Center Air Piano Ad

Man, stuff like this is why advertising can be so much fun! What a great idea: air piano (!). I was just playing air piano along with Abba recently, so I know this condition well.

The only issue not addressed in this ad is that people who play air piano (like me, sometimes) don’t actually know how to play piano at all, so getting them a real piano will not only not help them, it will harm others (!!).

That’s why they should tack on a piano lesson service or book series to this ad.

Otherwise, this ad is perfect! Way to go! (It’s one in a series of great local ads. I wish I could show you, but it’s not online yet, as far as I can tell.)