Sunday, December 24, 2017

Dr. Scholl's Odor-X Odor Fighting Insoles Shoe Tongue Ad (Proposed)

In this proposed ad for Dr. Scholl's Odor-X Odor Fighting Insoles, we see a close-up of a dirty-looking shoe, and we see someone's foot slide out of the shoe, and through the magic of CGI, the shoe's tongue protrudes out of the shoe, cartoon eyes open on the shoe, and the shoe says: "Blech! That foot smells terrible!" Then we see a hand insert a Dr. Scholl's Odor-X Odor Fighting Insole, and the shoe's tongue goes back to normal, and the shoe gets a relieved look on it, and it says: "Aaah! That's much better!"

Black & Decker Dust Buster Joke Ad

The slogan for Black & Decker's Dust Buster ads is currently: "For whatever life throws at you."

I'd like to see an ad where some people go to the zoo and a monkey throws its feces at them. Then we see a zoo worker run and get a Dust Buster to vacuum the monkey poop off of the visitors.

Then they say the slogan: "For whatever life throws at you."

Food Packaging Design: New Look!

Whenever a food product gets a package design makeover, it's generally accompanied by the claim: "New look, same great taste!"

I'd like to see a new package design for a food product that says: "New look to distract you from noticing it doesn't taste as good anymore!"

Horror Movies Home Video Christmas Ad (Joke/Proposed)

Horror movies are called: "Stalking Stuffers" as we see slasher style horror movies being put into Christmas stockings, and we see clips from the movies, such as: "Silent Night, Deadly Night", "Christmas Evil", "Black Christmas" (both versions: original and remake), as well as others like: "Friday the 13th", etc.

Big Box Retailer Black Friday Joke Ad

We see video of people swarming a store, pushing and shoving each other, fighting over items, trampling other shoppers, etc., and over this we hear a joke version of the Beatles' song: "All You Need Is Love", altered to sing:

All you need is stuff,
All you need is stuff,
All you need is stuff, stuff,
Stuff is all you need."

Cough Medicine Kafka Ad (Proposed)

We see someone suffering from a bad cough in a gray, dismal environment, and the announcer says: "Having a bad cough can be a Kafkaesque experience." Then the sick person we see couches two big, loud coughs that sound like: "Cough! Kuh!" Then the announcer adds: "End it, and return to normalcy, with (whatever brand of cough medicine). Then we see the person with the cough take the medicine, and their environment transforms into a normal, and colorful, home or work environment.

Cars 4

You know there will be another Cars sequel, and I think I can predict what the plot will be.

Lightning McQueen returns to his hometown in the Ozarks (where he used to run moonshine) for what he thinks will be a happy homecoming, but instead he finds most of the cars he knew are either addicted to speed, huffing gas, or worst of all, running on fuel-injected CARfentanil (!), and he is driven to help put the brakes on this epidemic fast.

A Cartoon The New Yorker Probably Wouldn't Publish

An obese man lies dead on the ground from a heart attack, and his ghost says to the Grim Reaper, who has come to fetch his spirit: "Stop fat-shaming me."

Tums Jonah & the Whale Ad (Joke/Proposed)

In a joke on a Discovery Channel type of historical biblical documentary show, a (fake) historian or archaeologist would explain how the biblical figure Jonah survived inside the stomach of the whale (or great fish, or whatever version of the Bible you have calls it) without being digested by using Tums to neutralize the acid inside the whale's stomach. And then the historian/archaeologist would add that it's obvious Jonah used Tums, because otherwise Jonah wouldn't have been able to survive inside a stomach for three days and three nights, but rather, he would have been burned and drowned by the stomach acid and digested. And so as we can clearly see, without Tums, the biblical story of Jonah never could have happened realistically or believably (which we all know it totally did).

Dental Implants Ad Song (Proposed)

We see a series of different adults, all with cosmetic dental problems with their front two teeth (missing, damaged, broken, cracked, etc.), singing the following lyrics from the song: "All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth":

All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth,
My two front teeth,
My two front teeth,
All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth,
My two front teeth,
My two front teeth,
All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth,
My two front teeth,
See my two front teeth,
Gee, if I could only have my two front teeth,
Then I could wish you: "Merry Christmas!"

(Normally this is a cute song meant to be sung by little children who are missing their two front teeth because their baby teeth have fallen out and their adult teeth have not grown in yet. But to have a series of adults singing the song would show how much more of a problem it is for adults to need two front teeth. And then the announcer would explain how and where to get dental implants.)

Debt Consolidation Christmas Ad Song (Proposed)

Christmas is coming, the wallet's getting thin,
How can we be jolly, with all the debt we're in?

(Then the announcer goes on to explain how we can consolidate our debt into one low monthly bill so we won't get panicked by the soul crushing feeling of owing money to lots of different people and places, all with high APRs and monthly minimum payments, etc.)

Tuesday, December 12, 2017

New Lysol Scents for Christmas

Based upon popular demand, Lysol offers the new Eggnog and Sugar Plumb scented toilet cleaner for this years' holidays!

Also, burnt candle and latke scented candles for Chanukah.

Oh, you don't celebrate either of those holidays? Then send us all your requests in scratch-n-sniff form so we can do it for you next year!

(BTW: Just kidding! This is a joke, and Lysol will likely kill me like they do germs when they find out I wrote this. Sorry, Lysol. It is a free ad of sorts, though, right?)

Antique Americans

In this world of ever evolving politically correct terminology, might I suggest one that may have missed the attention that it deserves?

That would be the term for Senior Citizens. Maybe they don't feel so senior. So I would humbly recommend the following term: "Antique Americans".

After all, they love Antiques Roadshow, so they're bound to love this new moniker.

Monday, December 4, 2017

The Human Music Cycle

Children’s Songs

Your Parents’ Music

Whatever Music Drives Your Parents Crazy

More of Whatever Music Drives Your Parents Crazy

Whatever Music You Actually Like

Whatever Music Your Significant Other Likes
Turn That Noise Down! (Once you have kids of your own.)

Whatever Music Your Kids Like That You Don't Hate

Nostalgia Music

Children’s Songs

Saturday, November 25, 2017

A Can of Can-Do

I've heard of a can of whoop-ass, so how about a can of can-do?

I guess someone would inevitably call it: "Canned Doo", and that could scuttle the whole enterprise. Maybe that's why it's not an expression (or a product).

New Attractions at Hollywood Theme Parks

Flash Mob: A public exhibition of public exhibitionism. (A performance artist group's live interpretation of recent allegations of lewd conduct and indecent exposure in Hollywood to really give guests a visceral experience of what it's actually like to be a movie star on an audition for a big juicy part, and the juicy parts they might be likely to experience in such a situation.)

The Casting Couch Carousel: Each car in the carousel is designed to feel like an actual Hollywood movie executive's office, and when the door closes, you'll get the dizzying experience of being trapped in there with a performer dressed in a business suit trying to force himself on you. (Designed by experts and guaranteed to feel just like what real movie stars experience!)

The Movie Moguls' Masturbation Mansion: Have you ever imagined what being invited to a movie mogul's home and having them personally masturbate for you would actually be like? Well, now you don't have to! (With actual disgraced movie moguls masturbating for our guests! {They need the work now.})

The Exhibitionist Exposure Expo: A life-size gallery of photographs of giants of the movie industry revealing their not so giant side.

That Personal Touch: A ride that lets aspiring actors know what it really feels like to be groped by studio executives, directors, producers, casting agents and actors in Tinseltown.

And all guests finish it off with a delicious sausage sandwich you didn't ask for from Weinstein's Willie Whackin' Wiener Wagon.

Friday, November 24, 2017

The Stupor Bowl

With all of the everybody gets a trophy attitude and policy we've been hearing about for so long regarding school kids, why don't we at least partly give the same validation to failed sports teams?

So in the interest of encouraging professional (adult) athletes in the same spirit we do for children, and rewarding them for giving it the old college try year in and year out, why not give the two worst teams in NFL football a championship of their own each year? We could call it the Stupor Bowl, and have it be a sort of comedy relief version of the Super Bowl for fans to enjoy (especially those who just lost a lot of money on the Super Bowl).

The Motion Picture Academy Acronym

The acronym for the group that puts on the Oscars is: AMPAS.

With all the sordid details from the numerous sex abuse scandals coming out of Hollywood lately, people could easily be forgiven for mistakenly thinking that AMPAS stands for: Association of Masturbating Perverts And Sickos.

(Sorry, AMPAS: It's just a joke. Your acronym made it too easy.)

Eileen Wright

I think this would be a fun name for a right-wing news pundit or anchor.

(I wish there was an easy fun one for a left-wing pundit too, but I don't know of anyone with the last name Left. I prefer being an equal opportunity offender with regard to politics, as I hate partisanship since I can't help but notice that it's tearing our country apart.)

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

The First Question Aliens Will Undoubtedly Ask Us When We First Meet Them in Outer Space

“Oh, you’re form Earth… Do you know Richard Dreyfuss?”

(This is a so-so joke of mine based upon my experiences of people always asking if I know so-and-so when they find out I’m from New York City. New York is a big city; we don’t all know each other. And Richard Dreyfuss because he entered the space ship in Close Encounters of the Third Kind, so it’s safe to assume all aliens would know him, don’t you think?)

Followed by, of course: "Do you remember us from that Star Trek episode?"

Southwest Airlines In-Laws Ad (Joke/Proposed)

A husband is mad that his wife is paying for air travel to have her family come visit (maybe for a holiday: Thanksgiving or Christmas or Chanukah, or Arbor Day, or something like that), and he says: “How come they get to travel on my dime, and just to criticize every little thing that I do?” And his wife says: “On your nickel: They’re flying Southwest Airlines. And actually, they’re traveling on our nickel: I work too, you know.”

Alternate Lyrics to the Song: “Christmas Is Coming”

We all know the charming song: “Christmas Is Coming”, with the lyrics: “Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat; won’t you put a nickel, in the old man’s hat?”

Well in today’s world, I would humbly suggest these new alternate lyrics: “Christmas is coming, the wallet’s getting thin; please hurry up now, before credit caves in!”

(Actually, these days maybe it should go: “Christmas is coming, the goose is quite obese; let's cook it up, and fill ourselves with grease!”)

(That last part might make for a fun holiday ad song for Tofurkey.)

Thursday, November 16, 2017

Grope Nuts Cereal

The breakfast cereal with Kevin Spacey on the box.

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

The Weinstein Company Joke Ad Headline

Expose yourself to today’s hottest talent!

Trump’s Tax Plan Song

(To the Tune of: “Taxman” by George Harrison)

Let me tell you how it will be, (Tax plan!)
More money for big companies, (Tax plan!)
‘Cause I’m the tax plan,
Yeah, I’m Trump’s tax plan.

If your tax rate appears too big, (Tax plan!)
It should because the system’s rigged, (Tax plan!)
‘Cause I’m the tax plan,
Yeah, I’m Trump’s tax plan.

If it’s smooth sailing, I’ll tax your boat,
If it’s sink or swim, I’ll tax your float,
If you storm my gates, I’ll tax the moat,
If you want me out, I’ll tax the vote,

Tax plan!
‘Cause I’m the tax plan,
Yeah, I’m Trump’s tax plan.

Why such complaints from you the poor? (Tax plan!)
Why not stash your cash too offshore? (Tax plan!)
‘Cause I’m the tax plan,
Yeah, I’m Trump’s tax plan.

More burden for the middle class, (Tax plan!)
The poor will take it up the ass, (Tax plan!)
‘Cause I’m Trumps’ tax plan,
Yeah, I’m Trump’s tax pla-an.

Work all you like I’ll keep your money.
Tax plan!

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Feline Febreze

We all know that cat litter box odor can make your house, and Febreze helps eliminate such odors. But does your house smell bad to your cat? If so, then use the new Feline Febreze air fresheners, with scents cats really love, like:

Smelly Shoe Scent
Festering Fish Fragrance
Canned Cat Cuisine
Murdered Mouse Memories
Putrid Pussycat Perfume
Adolescent Animal Aroma
Soiled Sock Smell
Sexy Spray Stink
Blossoming Butt Bouquet

(Yes, the names all have to be alliterations or cats won't like them.)

Travel Website Ramones Ad Song?

I’m a big fan of the Ramones, and I cannot help but notice that while their music is commonly used in ads these days, it’s almost always one song: “Blitzkrieg Bop”, and nothing else. I’ve seen one ad where: “California Sun” was used (a song that was written by Henry Glover that the Ramones played as a cover), but that’s the only other song I can think of played by the Ramones I’ve seen in a TV spot. Maybe there should be more of their songs in ads, perhaps with plays on their lyrics to send a specific message relating to the product or service being advertised?

Here’s a possible reworking of the Ramones song: “We’re a Happy Family”, with the lyrics altered to reflect the current and common issue of everyone using their cell phones constantly, even when eating meals together at home. (My teenage niece says she sometimes has to confiscate her parents’ iPhones at the breakfast table or during dinner.)

Sitting all alone,
Playing with our phones,
Reading lots & lotsa tweets,
Life is really, really sweet.

We got no real friends,
Just messages to send,
No parties to attend,
Nowhere we’ve been.

While this song is playing, we’d see a family of four: mother, father, son and daughter, and they’re sitting at the dinner table, and rather than having conversations or visiting with each other, they’re all on their smartphones just looking at messages or watching videos or playing video games, etc. And then the announcer says maybe we should consider putting down our smartphones and actually living in the real world and going on a trip somewhere.

Here is the Ramones’ song: “We’re a Happy Family” I am referring to here:

YouTube World Series Ad

I wanted to hear the great Motörhead song about the Ramones (which I own on cd, but I don’t feel like digging it out of a huge box of cds right now) called: “R.A.M.O.N.E.S.”, and so I looked it up on YouTube, but when I clicked on the video I wanted, there was a very brief ad showing the YouTube logo of the red rounded rectangle with the little white arrow in it, and it said something like: “YouTube Films presents…” And then there was this extremely loud noise, which was three times as loud (at least) as the video I was about to watch/listen to; so loud it really hurt my hears and made me have to rip off my headphones for fear of hearing damage: a very high-pitched noise which I guess is their audio signature (corporate musical theme), like Intel has one for their ads, and National Geographic had one for their TV specials, and T-Mobile has one for their ads, and Duracell has one for their ads: you get the idea; you’ve all heard them before countless times. The ad was pretty short, like maybe three seconds, but it was quite jarring, and I still have a headache from it, I am not kidding.

This must be something like the “sonic attacks” in Cuba that have been reported in the news as victimizing American diplomats and some American tourists; because, ouch, it really hurt. It hurt so much I went to the trouble to write about it.

If this is not what the Cubans use to attack Americans visiting their country, maybe they should consider using it. That way they could make the claim that they merely innocently searched for and clicked on a video on YouTube, and this really short video ad appeared before the video that was really loud, but also way too short to react quickly enough to turn it off before it blared weaponized audio frequencies for all unsuspecting people in the vicinity to hear, and it would seem legitimate. If they said that, I would believe them after my experience tonight.

Aside from the amazingly ear-splitting volume overkill I experienced this evening, the musical theme is I guess not that bad. It’s not really good either, and it’s in a frequency range that tends to be annoying to the listener in and of itself, but I’ve heard worse. But I love YouTube, and I honestly think they deserve better than this. And them playing it ridiculously loud does not make me change my mind about that, although I will be sure to remember it to the extent that I’ll never forget it, but it’s not for the reasons they might have been hoping for. My advice would be for them to make a different one that’s better, but failing that, I hope they’ll consider not assaulting their consumers’ ears with such a deafening volume level in future ads of this nature. I appreciate the brevity of the spot, which was only around three seconds, and about YouTube’s special coverage of the World Series. High frequencies are the worst for blaring at ear-splitting volume levels, don’t you know: they’re the most destructive for things like hearing loss and tinnitus. And this is coming from a Motörhead and Ramones fan. When someone like me says it’s too loud and it hurts my ears, you know it really is too loud.

Here are some of the sound logos, or audio themes, I mentioned above for Intel, T Mobile, and National Geographic, respectively:

And here’s a great selection of various corporate identity musical themes for people who are interested in such things (like me):

Joke Demonic Horror Film

In this demonic horror film, a demon transforms into a beautiful woman to tempt a pious priest into lust and sin, never letting up on the poor priest in a merciless attempt at carnal seduction, and then drags the priest into hell when he gives in to the temptation and breaks his vow of celibacy. But once in hell together, the priest begins nagging the demon for sex, saying things like: “Come on! You got me all hot for you; you can’t just leave me like that. It’s bad for my health.” (And on and on: you know, all the stuff guys say to try to manipulate people into sleeping with them when they don’t want to.) And when the demon says: “I just did what I did to get your soul damned to hell; I’m not actually interested in you or attracted to you, so please leave me alone,” the priest says: “You know you want it!” (Etc.) And so the demon leaves hell to try to tempt other mortals into sin and damnation, but the priest keeps calling and harassing the demon for sex on the phone night and day. And so the demon goes to Satan, complaining about all the sexual harassment the clingy priest is subjecting it to, but Satan says: “You made your bed, and now you’re going to lie in it: with him!” And so now it’s the demon who is damned to an eternity of suffering, in bed with a horny priest. (Demons have to lose in these movies.)

(BTW: The early part of this piece was inspired by the movie The Unholy, a great silly demonic horror movie from 1988 starring Ben Cross, Hal Holbrook, Ned Beatty, and in one of his last (and possibly greatest) roles, Trevor Howard. (< No, really; he’s in it.)

Charitable Pie

On NPR today I heard some guy talking about raising money for something, and he said: “We’re all fighting for a slice of the same charitable pie.”

And I said to myself: “Charitable Pie? Hey, that reminds me of the song: ‘Cherry Pie’, by Warrant. Maybe they could sing about a charitable pie and it would sound less suggestive.”

Let’s see if it does:

She’s my charitable pie,
Her great big assets make my charities fly,
Her tax-free status makes a rich man cry,
My sweet charitable pie!

Donations in the mail, donations on the phone,
Donate it where you like and deduct it on tax forms,
Donations from the left, donations from the right,
Paying all the charities, funding them all night, yeah!

I scream, you scream, we all scream for her,
If you need funds then you can’t ignore her!

She’s my charitable pie,
Everyone gives her money and it's no surprise,
Her sweet deductions make the tax man cry,
Sweet charitable pie!

Oh, yeah! 

She’s my charitable pie,
Puts a smile on NPR’s face ten miles wide,
Funds so good brings a tear to your eye,
Sweet charitable pie!

Okay, I guess it’s still pretty suggestive. Oh well. And I thought charitable contributions were asexual.

This is “Cherry Pie” by Warrant, for those who haven’t heard it before:

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

This Is a Required Field

I have a news flash for people trying to sell things online: If you have a thing where we are given a menu for options, sometimes we’re just looking to see what the options are before we check to see if it’s the right thing for a gift. If we then encounter a red box that says: “This is a required field”, we’re probably not going to buy anything from you, because it’s rude. If we don’t pick an option, it’s because we’re not intending to buy it today. Don’t be pushy. We used to get pushy sales tactics enough in person; we don’t need it from software.

There is a reason use car salesmen have the negative reputation they do. People do not like that. Sometimes consumers cave to sales pressure from other people; they probably will not cave to an annoying website prompt so easily. But keep it up if you think so.

I have encountered this issue multiple times recently, and I won’t be buying from any of those websites. Stuff like this is why people buy from Amazon. Plus we like getting their nagging emails reminding us to buy things we’ve only looked at once and decided not to buy. (Oh, wait: That sucks too! Maybe Amazon should not nag us like that either. I hear there’s the new site called Alibaba… I’m sure there are not 40 thieves working for that company, so no worries.)

(For those unfamiliar, there is a story called: Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves which is a tale from the Arabian Nights. There is a lot of thievery, backstabbing and killings in this story. So with that in mind, Alibaba seems like kind of a strange name for a business.)

Monday, October 23, 2017

Girl, You’re Getting a Gateway!

Remember the old Dell ads in the early 2000s with the guy saying: “Dude, you’re getting a Dell!”? That really worked well for Dell and the sales went through the roof. And I always wondered, why didn’t Gateway make a similar campaign but with a gal saying to her female friends: “Girl, you’re getting a Gateway!” That way they could have won the female market of Windows PC users and left Dell with mostly only dudes.

Oh well, maybe that’s why you don’t hear much about Gateway anymore. Actually, I don’t hear much about Dell nowadays either. I think both companies are watching people buying Macs and iPads and iPhones and they’re screaming in frustration: “Aaaaa! You’re getting an Apple!” (<Instead of a Dell or a Gateway)

Sunday, October 22, 2017

V8 Dracula Prince of Darkness Joke Halloween Ad

Dracula, Prince of Darkness is on TCM this evening, and in it there’s a scene where some guy who’s staying in Dracula’s castle gets knocked out by Dracula’s servant, Klove, and then he gets hoisted above Dracula’s ashen remains and has his throat slit to bleed down upon said remains, thus reconstituting Dracula, who was reduced to dust via exposure to sunlight in the previous Hammer outing, Horror of Dracula. (I can imagine Klove bending over with a whisk broom and a dustpan trying to make sure he gets all the dust. If he misses any, Dracula may return minus a hand or something.) And I thought it might be fun to have a Halloween ad showing this scene, and once Dracula is completely reconstituted, he hits his forehead and says: “I coulda had a V8!”

Actually, it might be even easier and even more fun to have Dracula just bite some fair maiden’s neck, drink her blood, let go of her shoulders so she slumps down to the floor, and then he slaps his forehead and says: “I coulda had a V8!” I think that would make a fun Halloween ad for V8.

Saturday, October 21, 2017

Kaopectate Rocky Wannabe Ad (Proposed)

We hear the theme music from the movie Rocky, and we see a man dressed up in sweat clothes like Rocky, and he’s shadow boxing and then jogging, etc.; and then we see him in his kitchen cracking a bunch of raw eggs into a glass, and he drinks them. Then we cut to him holding his stomach, we hear gurgling, and he runs into the bathroom. Then the announcer says: “Need relief from diarrhea? Kaopectate knocks it out, fast!” (Or: “Punched in the gut by diarrhea? Kaopectate knocks it out, fast!”)

Diet Sprite Ad Song (Proposed)

To the tune of “Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend” (made famous by Marilyn Monroe in the movie Gentlemen Prefer Blondes):

A kiss on the hand may be quite continental, but Limon is a girl’s best friend.
A kiss maybe grand but it won’t make you mental, nor keep your diet low fat, and help to keep your tummy flat.

(A beautiful woman holds a bottle of Diet Sprite and sings the above lyrics while performing a dance routine choreographed to accentuate the lyrics.)

STD Billboard Ad

While driving in the San Fernando Valley I saw a billboard ad that surprised me. It was an image of the sea in the style of an old Japanese woodcut print, and the headline read: “Syphilis Tsunami”. It’s kind of a yucky message anyway, but to make the comparison to the earthquake and tsunami that hit Japan in 2011 I thought was perhaps in questionable taste. (The Japanese woodcut style image makes the connection pretty clear.)

But this led me to wondering: Were the following headlines already taken: “Herpes Hurricane” (with an image of hurricane devastation), “Chlamydia Cyclone” (with an image of cyclone devastation), “Gonorrhea Gale” (with an image of sailboats being tossed about), “V. D. Volcano” (with an image of an erupting volcano), and: “STD Super Storm” (with an image of an enormous hurricane radar image)? Those might work too.

This is what the billboard looks like: