Monday, March 21, 2016

Professor Prohibition

Hide your whatever you enjoy in life: Professor Prohibition is on the rampage!

Professor Prohibition is the super villain who thinks he’s a superhero, and everything he does is for your own good, but makes your life miserable!

He takes away all and bans sugar, salt, saturated fats, preservatives, yummy snack foods, yummy substantial foods, coffee, tea, cigarettes, cigars, vaping materials, ahcoholic beverages, marijuana, prescription drugs, skateboards, hoverboards, scooters, motorcycles, fast cars, loud music, dangerous activities, rock climbing, suggestive entertainment, pornography, texting, etc. And he does it all because he knows better than you what’s appropriate for you and how you should live your life. (You’ll thank him someday; mark his words!)

And just like Batman, Professor Prohibition is the secret alias of a philanthropic (or so he thinks) billionaire. And don’t tell anyone, but he’s really Michael Bloomberg.

Yes, that’s Professor Prohibition: the Baron of Busybody Bureaucratic Bans of Comforting Commodities Considered Constituting Contraband!

Commute by Drone

We all know those lying scientists are never going to give us flying cars, and if they ever do, the buzzkill government won’t let us use them just because we’ll probably all kill ourselves and each other with them. (Lame. I want a flying car!)

Oh, but do not fret, for there is a way around this disappointed yearning for flying to work everyday in your own airship: fly on a drone!

Yes, Americans of all stripes (and other patterns like plaid and polka dots too: I am not seeking to discriminate against any Patterned American.) are buying drones like hotcakes, and the laws governing their use are lagging far behind the speed of technological development. And that means pretty soon there will be bigger drones for the public to purchase and use for our own purposes. And long before they can outlaw it, you’ll be able to buy a drone large enough to ride around on: simply strap a horse riding saddle on the drone, hold the controller, and presto: your own flying car!

So don’t wait: Get yours and start buzzing around the skies, flying over the clogged roadways and city gridlock you’ve heretofore been stuck in, and thumb your nose at all the suckers down there who aren’t forward thinking enough to ride their drone to work! (Just make sure you don’t drop the remote control when you do it or you’ll have an unexpected detour to who knows where.)

(You know someone’s going to do this at some point and put it on YouTube.)

Hairy Soap

You know the scent of freshly washed hair: it’s mesmerizing! Have you ever wished you could get that smell all over your body? Have you ever been frustrated or embarrassed by soap with icky hairs left all over it, or that perhaps you yourself have stuck to the soap but couldn’t get off of it? Then you’re going to love the new Hairy Soap!

Hairy Soap is just what it sounds like: it’s soap and a ball of hair in one! No longer will you be mortified to leave hair on the soap, nor disgusted to find other people’s hair on it. With Hairy Soap, there’s already so much hair on it, you’ll never notice other people’s hair on the soap ever again, and they won’t notice yours either! Plus, Hairy Soap is made from 100% great smelling, freshly washed hair, guaranteeing you that intoxicatingly fresh scent wherever you wash with it!

So come on and get yourself some Hairy Soap! It’s cute like a puppy, but cleans all over like a cat!

Dollar Shave Club Giallo Joke Ad

In a play on Giallo movies, a razor slasher killer gets tired of having to buy expensive straight razors and always sharpen them themselves, so they join the Dollar Shave Club, and pretty soon they’re slashing away at their victims with disposable razors! And what savings they get, too! It used to be you had to be rich to be a razor-wielding slasher killer, but no longer! Thanks to Dollar Shave Club, anyone can slice whomever they want to ribbons, for pennies on the dollar! Sign up today!

Apple Hate Watch

Introducing the new Apple Hate Watch: It’s a new breakthrough in digital technology you wear on your wrist that makes you detest people who use products from other companies! You’ll sneer, jibe, condemn, look down your nose in contempt, and occasionally physically assault anyone wearing any other kind of watch! It’s like the other Apple Watch, only moreso! Plus, like in the James Bond movies, it has a fine metal cable to garrote your enemies with! And if anyone laughs at you for buying or wearing one, the Apple Hate Watch has its own self-defense mechanism by which it shoots lasers and sprays nano poison darts at its enemies.

That’s the Apple Hate Watch: Ask for it by name!

(This is just a joke. There is no Apple Hate Watch; or not yet, anyway. I use and love Apple products. But I’m not a snob about it to all the losers and cretins who use other companies’ products like some people are. {I am only joking here. Of course I do. I mean, people who use other companies’ products are not losers and cretins.})

DNA Away

Hey violent criminals: tired of always getting caught because you left traces of your DNA behind? Well, those days are over when you get new DNA Away!

Here’s how it works: Commit your heinous violent crime, and then spray DNA Away right on your victim and the scene of your crime, and it instantly wipes away all traces of your guilt! (DNA Away does not remove non-DNA evidence like footprints, tire tracks, security camera footage, ATM receipts or cell phone data, so take care of that stuff yourself.)

That’s DNA Away: Get yours today so you won’t “get yours” tomorrow!

With DNA Away, you’ll always GET Away!

Larry Craig’s Never Ben Gay Soothing Lotion

I was reminded recently of Larry Craig’s little airport bathroom romp from a few years ago, and of his doth protest too much response, which was to say he has “never been gay.” Well, that made me think of Ben Gay, the product that helps with sore muscles. So I thought perhaps Larry Craig could market a product, a lotion for, um, release of, um, a specific kind of muscle tension from not being gay (when looking at, let’s say a website for people who are definitely not gay and never have been gay, but still like looking at naked man anyway), and call it: “Larry Craig’s Never Ben Gay”. It helps ease the tension of holding back your true self.