Thursday, April 30, 2015

Kaopectate Chelsea Clinton Joke Ad

Tonight on The Daily Show, while covering yet another Hillary Clinton corruption scandal, Jon Stewart showed a clip of someone on Megyn Kelly’s show on Fox News saying that Chelsea Clinton was paid $75,000.00 for giving speeches about diarrhea, a subject she says she’s passionate about. Well, we can’t just let that fascinating factoid go unused in a diarrhea-related product advert, now can we? So here’s how this joke spot would work:

We’d see the clip from The Kelly File, and the guy would say that Chelsea Clinton was paid as much as $75,000.00 per speech to talk about diarrhea, a subject she says she’s passionate about. Then the announcer would chime in, saying: “Chelsea Clinton says she’s passionate about diarrhea, and at Kaopectate, we’re passionate about stopping it.” Then we’d see a product shot of Kaopectate next to a picture of Chelsea Clinton, and the announcer would say: “Chelsea Clinton and Kaopectate: two things that help with diarrhea, but one costs roughly $74,995.00 less and is much more effective at stopping diarrhea.”

(Just kidding Clinton campaign! Please don’t wipe me out like you did all those emails!)

Even More Band Names

The Sticky Situation Room
Leprechauns on the Lawn
The 900 Numbers
Mournful Wails
The Bereaved
Monster Contacts (as in contact lenses)
Monster Hash
Scary Fairy
Pity Kitty
I Pity the Pretty
The Good, the Bad and the Fugly
All-Star Altar
Glare In There
Book Cooks
Burning Book Review
Burning Book Learning
Horizon of Humanity
One-Way Trip to Mars
Corruption Collusion
Collision Course
Children at Play
Sick Music
Muse Sick
Sick Muse Music
Chorder Pounders
Golden Ticket
This Affected Youth
Queef Chief
Sound Argument
Sound Logic
You For Ick
The Vibromatics
Groovy Groupies
The Hi Fi Guys
Hi Fi Fo Fum
Cheese Powder Power
Spring Forward
The Disaffected Effect
The Effete Beat
Three Chord Chorus
Plastic Sturgeon
Super Saccharine Crisp
The Princess Bridesmaids
The Loin King
The Best Protest
Scam Sisters
Side FX
For Peet's Sake
Ear Pollution
Behold the Bold
Charge Up
Extraordinary Magnitude
Something to Behold
Single Malt Sound
Rise of the Red Flags
Meowie Wowie
Looming Doom
Broken Axl
Broke Ass
Babble on Babylon
Kung Fu Grip
Fissile Material
Fissile Fossils
Sonic Swarm
Sonic Swami
A Swarm of Swamis
Calling the Kettle Black
Steroid Droids
Fellatio Ratio
Squirt Dirt
Spin Rubber
Burn Rubber
Burnt Rubbers
Ram Induction
All Ears
Ear Pricks
Yelling Youth
Yelling Yobs
Ear Pricks
Sonic Tsunami
The Hearing
Sound Pounders
Gold Mind
The Ankle Bracelets
Three Dogs at Night
Phonographic Violence
Tone Drone
Mood Shredders
Moog Moods
The Loud Crowd
Master Volume
Gain Control
Sound Smugglers
Geek Speak
The Burning Flags
I Lash
Commie Mommies
Axe Men
Yippy Dog Chorus
The Equivocators
Nosh by Gosh
Drug Chug-a-Lug
Riot Squad
Riot Squid
Riot Act
Read the Riot Act
Orpheus Descending
Sonic Odyssey
Belt It Out
Shady Ladies
Shake the Base
Booming Bass
Lunar Crooners
Music Magic
Magical Musical
Pastiche Leash
Kitschy Cats
Decibel Hell
Battle Cry
Primal Screamers
Boob Tubes
Pound Sound
Sound It Out
Bound by Sound
An Earful
A Fearful Earful
The Fearful Earful
Revamped Samples
Posh by Gosh
The Florids
Florid & Torrid
Florid, Torrid & Horrid
Guitars of the Stars
Sonic Assault
Assault the Senses
Slam Jam
Vibration Creation
Pro Boner
Sound Wave Surfers
Pounding Waves of Sound
Rolling Waves of Sound
Electric Current
Belted Out
The Belt Outs
Beryl’s Peril
Apparel in Peril
Nudie Blues
Primal Screamers
The Thunderbolts
The Charged-Ups
Noise Complaint
Sound Argument
The Voice Coils
Echoes of the Past
Wallop Codswallop
Glower of Power
Pack Animals
The Heard
Heard Mentality
Amplifies Lies
Aural Mural
Cacophony Canvas
Against the Grain
The Abrasives
The Vibe Tribe
Currents of Sound
Intense in Tents
Glory Hole
Melodic Licks
Riff Roaring
Rip Roaring Riffs
Rip Roaring Riffmeisters
Amped Up
Rhythm Monsters
Violin Violence
Violent Violins
Violent Violet
You Asked for It
The Turned-Ups
Sound Styles
The Audiophiles
The Audio Files
The Sound Herd
Listenable Litter
Big Hack Attack
Sonic Tonic
Punk Junkies
Conniptions for Corruption
Joking Jacket
Bass Vamp
That Smirking Whore from Highgarden (A quote from Game of Thrones)
Bouffant Booty
They’re There
Deviate Ed
Quid Pro Quotient
Brain Stem Gems
Head Injury Study
The Confounds
Users of the Groove
Possessors of the Groove
Groove Dudes
Art Theft
Stolen Material
Art Heist
Art Heist and the Creative Criminals
Seal Club
Prom Proposals
Pathetic Props
Harmonic Colonic
Sonic Colonic
Kids on the Lamb
Sonic Sons
For Whom the Boom Booms
For Whom the Booms Boom
Forget Regret
Precocious & Ferocious
Fetish Fiends
Fetish Fanatic
Satan in Satin
The Done 4
Audio Agitators
Audio Anarchists
Rhythm Royalty
Atonal Atonement
Whirlwind Action
Thrills & Spills
Heart Pounding Action
Intense Incense
Arty Fax
The Devil’s Muzak
Sloppy Slobbery Slippery Slope
Flying Carpet Cleaners
Djinn & Tonic
Djinn & Sonic
The Wishwaster
D Lib R8
Pepper Spray
Saddle Soars
Ectoplasm Orgasm
Ectoplasmic Fantastic
Thunderbolt Jolt
Fast Food Dudes
Naughty by Nurture
Miss Character Eyes
Dr. D. Mentos
The Fresh Flesh Maker
Monster Brew
Monsters’ Ink
God Fraud
Dad’s Mad
Death Camp for Cutie
The Blown-Ups
Flute Galoots
Cello Fellows
Instrumental Insurgents
Stab Happy
Loom of Doom
Murder Mansion Men
Sinister Minister
Creepy VP
Beguiled Child
Eros Arrows
Spaz Styx
Spa Styx
The Flowering
The Bloom
Bloom Boom
In Too Deep
In Deep
Hot Face
Poison Us
Scrambled Gregs
4 Lornes (The Four Lornes)
Black Shabbat
Light Lavender
Paws & Claws
Rude to Point
Forest of Fright
Tinseltown Terrors
Sunset Strippers
Cleavage Connoisseurs
Black Magic Practitioners
Sound Sorcerers
Sonic Sorcerers
Sore Sorcerers
Sacred Sounds
The Adepts
Temple of Boom
Vroom Vroom
Bang! Zoom!
Hear & Now
Hustle & Bustle & Muscle
God or Fraud?
Bass Clef Ace
The Gallows
Gallows Guys
Your Turn to Burn
Don’t Ask
Cascade of Fog
Stupid Cupid
Daddy’s Caddy
Mr. Mercedes
Creepy Creaking
Nightgown Sounds
Nightgown of Sound
Vibration Sensation
Sensational Sensations
Cave Painting Sex Party
Exculpatory Story
The Mortal Majority
Sonic Sunrise
Sonic Soldiers
Audio Army
Aural Array
Noisy Nightmare
Nightmares of Noise
Slay Bells
Sinister Sound
Sensory Acts of Violence
Super Sonic Sushi
A Gray Matter
Shallow Giallo
Barbara Steele Portrait
Jackal Lantern Jukebox
Sage Rage
The Age of Rage
Aural Artists
Bound by Sound
A Feast for Beasts
Beasts of Bass
Peaking Pekingese
Horror Hug
Whore Horror
Hugs of Horror
Botox Rocks
Tong Kiss
Torture Orchard
Mettle Head
Song Sang Froid
Chlorophyll Killers
Maximum WTF
An Orgy of Violins
Marinara Del Rey
Looted Lutes
Loopy Lutes
Fast Food Freak Out
Audio Ammo
Aural Ammo Clip
Stun Gun Honey
Chunky Monkey Junkie
Rootin’ Tootin’ Shootin’
Strom of Torment
Gloom of Doom
High Anxiety
Jack Kirby’s Heroes
Sketchy Comics
Helmet Law
Astute Brutes
Long-Eared Galoots
Warm Chloroform
Chloroform Kleenex
Ether Breathers
Seer and the Crystal Balls
Hal Berd and the Pole Arms
Bark Bite
Spice Earls
The Statistics
Game of Drones
Spock’s Rockets
Sonic Superheroes
Tones of Terror
Black Pitch
Nutritional Noise
Self-Inflicted Infections
Inflict & Infect
Noise Toys
Ice Cream Speaker Cones
Coke Smoke
The Banned Substance Band
Jam It All!
Drone On
Married to Music
Aural Oath
Audio Rodeo
Naked Notes
Notes of Nakedness
The Flurry of Fingers
A Flurry of Fretting Fingers
Sound Affect
Cersei’s Mercy
Smirk Circus
Carnival of Sounds
Bloody Business
Grim Grimoire
Guitar Grimoire
Aural Armor
The Lipsmackers
The Sound of Muzak
Riff Royalty
The Riffmasters
Sound Wave Surfers
Save Your Savior
Sonic Savior
Sound Wave Saviors
Free Dumb
Ass Whole
Discrimination Nation
Flesh Breath
Bog Fog
Fire Flies
Dragon Crest
Sauce Age
Man’s Womb
Pros of Projection
Beasts of Beauty
Spectacular Soundsmiths
Booming Blacksmiths
Lethal Liesel
Femme Fetal
Foom! (Old Marvel Comics comic book sound effect.)
Me Amo El Gato
J’aime le chat
Va Boire
Binge Thinkers
Binge Thinking
Ice Cream Dream
I Scream
I Bawl
Basket Brawl
Whip Cream
Cherry on Top
Dessert Menu
Fond of Blonde
Aural Beast
The Audio Naughtyos
Auditory Glory
Auditory Story
Pinstripe Strife
Hot Rod Flames
Jade Dragon
Womb Envy
XL (Excel)
Mud Blood
For Eyes
Four Eyes Guys
Noise Ordnance
Our Noise Annoys
Rumble Bees
Revolution Revolutions
Emergency Numbers
Blotto Grotto
The High Kicks
Can’t Can’t
Woulda Coulda Shoulda
Erect Eon
Add Vent
Wake Up Shake Up
Shake Down Clowns
Blast Off Bastards
Blood Bunny
Persistence Snatching
Persistent Snatchers
Immaculate Arts
Sacred Art
Deep Down
Space Age Sausage
Sicko Pants
Sicko Fence
Drama Kings
The Long Hair of Death Metal
The Long Hair of Death Rock
Mystery Trainer
The Veiled
American Dream Logic
Silly Cone Implants
Intense Calm
Mortal Wombat
Sonic Sacrament
Sonic Sacrilege
The Silence of the Blams
Sticky Stick
Muscle Music
Muscular Music
Meet Your Death
Injunction Junction
Her Ass Meant
Percy Cuter
Ellie Gant
The Spiffies
Judge Mental
Possession Obsession
Frenzied Friends
Friend Z
Fringe Elements
The Rolling Scones
Piano au Go-Go
Piano No-No
Riff Roaring
Barbara Steele’s Evil Eyes
The Crypt Crew
Cries in the Crypt
Vault of Volume
Volume Vault
Valium Volume
Ecstatic Static
Perception Deception
Sweet Deceit
Tomb Tunes
Tunes from the Tomb
Tones from the Tomb
Lip Sink
Synching Ships
Knights of Noise
Aural Army
Naughty Body
A Tonal Atoll
Atonal Atoll
Profit Prophet
Prophets of Profits
Halo of Thorns
So Lame Salome
The Sybil
Oracle Orator
Decibel Devils
Benevolent Volume
The Malevolent Violent
Malevolence Violence
New Blood
Fountain of Youthspeak
Terrifying Text
Beat Nix
Pity Potty
Play It Again Scam
Bat Battalion
Growing Glowing
Glower Power
Glower of Power
Into the Fray
Caustic Gnostic
A Shot of Sound
Tones on Tap
Which Witch
Scimitar Scars
The Shroud of Touring
Follow Your Star
Safe Space Out
King Dumb
Chief Jerky
Idol Rich
Ass Fault
Irate Late Dates
The Vanity of Humanity
Venus in Venice
Venus in Faux Furs
Fun Gus and the Itch
The Schnook Look
Suck Ass Summer
The Skeleton Closet
Our Dour Power
Atomic Balm
Scourge Splurge
Scrooge Scourge
Salvation Air Force
Salvation Navy
Salvation Marines
Salivation Army
Salivation Nation
Trolling Stones
Mad Mensch
Mad Maxi Pad
Witch Hunt
Corruption Eruption
Miss Creant
Flimsy Films
The Flimsies
Greed Seed
Seeds of Greed
Sucked In
Ghost Guard
(My) Blood Runs Cold
Kangaroo Courtesan
Jobs v. Gates
Red Alert, Yellow Alert
Prime Directive Beef
Prime Beef Directive
Phasers on Stun
Kings of White Castle
White Castle Siege
Pizza, But
Pizza Mutt
Burger Dictator
Death & Taxes
My Little Throny
Self-Driving Car Carnage
Self-Driving Car Sick
Local Technicolor
The Poe Lease
All of Her Twist
Mind Melt
Lake Pipes Roar
Funny Car Fury
Funny Carnivore
Chemtrail Mix Masters
Feel My Fury
Battle Stations
Bad Guy
Politickle Party
Political Stunt Daredevils

(Like before, these are prospective band names. My apologies if there are already bands with these names, as I don’t have time to look them all up. Anyone may use any of these names if they want to, so long as nobody else is already using them; but if you get a name off this list, please credit me with thinking of it.)

Watch for Falling Rocks

I live in the L.A. area, and I drive Mulholland Drive quite a bit. And on that road, there’s a blind hairpin turn to the left right along a cliff where just before it stands a sign proclaiming: “Watch for Falling Rocks”. But where it’s placed makes it impossible for a driver to do so without driving over the cliff and crashing into someone’s roof 100 feet below. So I have to wonder if the sign is for safety or the opposite.

Dramamine Air Sickness Ad (Proposed)

We see a commercial jet flying peacefully in the sky, and the announcer says: “When this, feels like this,” and we cut to a stunt airplane from a flying show doing multiple barrel rolls and loop-de-loops, and then the announcer says: “Take this,” and we cut to a product shot of Dramamine, and the announcer says: “And you’ll feel like this,” and we cut to see someone sitting in a first class airline seat flying comfortably and smiling happily.

Viagra Theme Song?

It strikes me that James Brown’s: “Get Up (I Feel Like Being a) Sex Machine” would be the perfect theme song for Viagra. Everyone knows the song, and if an attractive fiftyish man was at a party with lots of flirty beautiful women, he could turn to the camera and then lean down to sing some of the song* to his own penis (still in his pants, of course), and then he’d pull out a Viagra pill and take it, and then we’d see him walking into a bedroom with two (count ‘em, 2! {Okay, maybe just one.}) women, and he’d close the door in the camera’s face, and the door would have the Viagra logo painted on it, with the slogan: “Get up (like a sex machine).”

* He’d sing:

Get up,
Get up,
Get on up,
Stay on the scene,
Get on up,
Like a sex machine,
Get on up!

Viagra “Up for Anything” (Joke) Ad

In this joke ad for Viagra, we see a man with an erection bulging in his pants walking through the nightclub district in New York City when a woman notices his bulge and asks if he’d like to go home with her and her friend. He says he wasn’t planning on hooking up with anyone, but she points at his bulge and says it looks like he’d like to, so he says it would be a shame to waste it, so, off they go to have a sex party. Then, afterwards, he’s walking past a gay bar when a patron notices his bulge and asks if he’d like to hook up. The man with the bulge rebuffs the offer, thanking the other guy and claiming he’s not gay. The gay man tells him his bulge indicates otherwise, and the bulge man says it would be a shame to waste it, so off they go together. Then, after wards, the man walks back to his hotel, and there’s a swingers’ convention in the lobby. Some swingers take a gander at his bulge and ask if he’d like to come with them, and looking down, he says, well, it would be a shame to waste it. Then, as they get into the elevator, the doors close, and we see the Viagra logo printed on the elevator doors along with the slogan: “Up for anything.”

(Actually, I think “Up for anything” would be a pretty good slogan for Viagra if they’d have the courage to try it.)

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Boring Car Ad (Joke/Proposed)

I keep seeing exciting ads for dull sedans, and I invariably think how jarring and unconvincing the ads are, juxtaposing exciting claims and a boring sedan. Why don’t they take the following approach for a boring sedan commercial?

We see the inexpensive, boring family sedan driving down the road, and the driver sees someone breaking into a car, and the announcer says: “When you buy the (whatever brand of boring sedan), you can be pretty sure it’s not going to get stolen. And even if it did, the thieves wouldn’t get much for it anyway. And why even break into a car that’s so inexpensive? There’s probably nothing of value in it. And if it gets wrecked, it’s pretty inexpensive to replace.” And when he says the part about if the car gets wrecked, we see a big car accident through the eyes of the driver.

I wonder why we never see anyone take this approach. Doyle Dane Bernbach did the “Think Small” campaign for Volkswagen in the 1960s, and it was a smash hit. I never seem to see underwhelming claims in a positive light in car ads now. Maybe it would work and get a lot of attention just by virtue of being different.