Thursday, July 31, 2014

Dr. Prepper

I saw an ad recently for Wise instantly prepared food products to prepare for natural disasters, and the ad spokesman said: “You may not be a prepper now…” And I thought: “Hmm, ‘prepper’, huh? Maybe they should call their company: ‘Dr. Prepper’. Then they could sing the jingle: ‘Be a prepper, eat Dr. Prepper!’” Wouldn’t you like to be a prepper too?

Advertising Fatal Side Effects

There are tons of pharmaceutical ads on TV these days, and many of them are for medicines that can have some nasty side effects, including death. At least they have to mention these side effects in the ads, but do they have to make it sound so bad that you might die? Surely there’s a way to spin possible death positively, right?

Like, for example, they could list all the other nasty side effects first, and then say the drug also may cause death, but if it kills you, at least you won’t get the other nasty side effects. And if you’re dead, you won’t be suffering from that health issue you’re taking the drug for anymore either: so it really cured it after all, just in an unexpected way! Plus, if you’re dead, all your problems are at an end! So then can’t they honestly say that their product may solve all your problems for you, forever? And doesn’t that sound more desirable than just a generic warning that the product may cause death?

In advertising, you can’t just warn someone that something could kill them: then they might not ever want to buy it! An ad should make the possible down side look good: then everyone will want it!

(BTW: I’m obviously joking here. But did you notice that the ads warn that the medications “may cause death”, as opposed to saying: “it might kill you”? That’s a nice manipulative way of saying it, because if it may “cause death”, who knows who or what that death may happen to? It didn’t specify it would be you, so no worries, right? {Hmm, I wonder if patients taking these drugs will ever find out about the deaths that were caused by them taking the drug? And how does that work, anyway: does it make patients send out subliminal mind-control signals to others, making them into killers, or making them die? How are the deaths that may occur caused, and to whom do they happen? Why won’t they tell us?})

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

ADT “Every 15 Seconds” Vacation Burglary Ad

An ADT ad currently running on television claims a house is burglarized every 15 seconds in America. Wow, that’s a really tight schedule! What, is there a line of burglars with an organizer directing them with a stop watch, counting down 15 seconds before each next burglar can go burgle another house? Or is it perhaps more sophisticated, run by a national organization using a computerized system and automatic cell phone calls directing each new burglary to commence every 15 seconds, but all across the country?

Wow, burglars are sure a lot more organized than I ever thought possible! To have a burglary every 15 seconds without fail or delay is such a daunting task to accomplish! Maybe we should get these super efficient burglars to run the VA, since they’re so efficient and reliable with scheduling and delivering on what they schedule.

Here’s the alarmist alarm ad (although this one says a burglary happens every 14.4 seconds, and the ad I just saw on TV said every 15 seconds {I wonder why the discrepancy in the claims?}):

Fakin’ Bacon Slogan?

As health food fans all know, there is a brand of meatless bacon substitute called: “Fakin’”. And to market it, how about using the slogan: “Wakey wakey, eggs and fakey”?

Healthy Horror Cereals?

We all know about the sugared horror-themed cereals based upon classic horror movie characters, like Frankenberry, Count Chocula, Boo Berry, Yummy Mummy and Fruit Brute. But you know, with the obesity epidemic and its related health kick and food police, don’t you think it’s time for some healthy horror cereals?

Hey moms and dads, want your horror kids to eat a healthy breakfast? Then try our howlingly delicious healthy horror cereals!

Here are some proposed possibilities for healthy horror cereals:

Bran Stoker (Yes, the vampire bran cereal, named after the author of Dracula. It stokes your bowels with high-powered bran cereal, shaped like fangs and bats!)

Flaxenstein (With a flax-themed Frankenstein monster marketing mascot.)

The Wheat Wolf (Wolf shaped shredded wheat, marketed with a howling, wheat-woofing werewolf.)

Clusters from the Black Lagoon (Dark-colored granola clusters with a gill-man marketing mascot using them as fishing lures to catch humans. Makes the milk turn black, for a Black Lagoon in every bowl!)

Fiber Fright (Its frightening fiber scares the crap out of you!)

Ghost Grain (Haunted by the ghostest with the mostest wholegrain!)

Monstrous Multigrain (Using a crew of classic monsters, like the multiple monster mash movies of the 1940s)

Wheat Germ Warfare (Modern horrors abound with this battle in your mouth! The milk causes the cereal to make rat-a-tat-tat sound like machine guns. And the marketing mascots are mutated apocalyptic nuclear warriors with gas masks on.)

Nekromantik Slogan?

Apparently there’s a German horror movie called Nekromantik, which is reportedly about some guy who cleans up crime scenes, and he brings home a corpse for his girlfriend and him to have sex with. I’ve never seen it, because it’s enough for me just to know that such a movie exists to turn my stomach. (Even though I might joke about such things, I would never want to see something like this.) But I think I have the perfect ad slogan for this movie anyway (at least it would be accurate):

Nekromantik: It puts the ‘rot’ and ‘ick’ in ‘erotic’!