Friday, January 31, 2014

Testosterone Supplement Slogan?

We see loads of testosterone supplement ads on TV nowadays, all of them claiming that if you don't have the zip, the pep, the bounce in your step, or the desire in the bedroom you used to have, maybe you could use some extra testosterone to help you get it back. And since testosterone comes from you-know-where (your balls), how about a zippy, peppy slogan to connect the dots?

So how about this for a testosterone supplement slogan: "Make your gonads go go go!"

No? Don't like that one? Well, then how about: "Puts the 'go' back in your gonads!"

Fourth-Hand Smoke

I heard a report today about a new study linking third-hand smoke (that is, the residue of smoke on surfaces and clothes, etc.) to all kinds of death and destruction to all who encounter it. Clearly, it is the greatest threat to our world today. Except that there is actually an even worse, more insidious form of smoke: fourth-hand smoke (!!!!).

Yes, fourth-hand smoke is when you see someone smoking cigarettes in movies and on TV. Apparently what happens is that the images of the smoke enter through your eyes, causing eye cancer, and then since your brain processes the images seen by your eyes, you get brain cancer too. Oh, but that's not all, because since your brain sees all this smoking going on, and because it knows from studies that second-hand and third-hand smoke causes cancer too, your brain causes psychosomatic forms of lung and throat cancer too.

Yes, even seeing smoking that happened years ago is dangerous and deadly. So we must do all we can to stamp out the threat of fourth-hand smoke. How, you may ask? Well, obviously we are going to have to either ban all movies that have smoking in them as a health risk, or else, for movies considered classics, we must change them to remove smoking from them. And since there is smoke wafting all over everything all the time in these movies, it will be necessary to use the double-pronged approach of digitally removing cigarettes through CGI, and also altering the plot lines of the movies themselves by having all the stories take place where it is so cold, everyone would be breathing steam at all times, thus explaining why there is smoky mist swirling about and emanating from characters' mouths constantly.

It's not too late to prevent to harm caused by fourth-hand smoke. I mean, it's too late for you and me: we're already doomed! But please help save the next generation from fourth-hand smoke before it's too late!

Here's the third-hand story of the smoke-blowing study:

No More Tears Shampoo (Joke) Ads

Hey, we all remember No More Tears Shampoo from our childhood, right? But you know, it doesn't only work for children: This stuff prevents tears in all sort of occasions! So how about a new ad to show us just how effective it really is at preventing tears?

So in this (joke) ad for No More Tears Shampoo, we see the preparation for a wedding ceremony, and a woman says to herself: "I am not going to cry all through another wedding, ruining my eye makeup!" And so she uses No More Tears Shampoo right before the wedding, and at the ceremony, everyone else is crying their eyes out, but not our heroine! And so at the wedding reception, all the other women have swollen eyes and smudgy eye makeup, except for our heroine, and so she hooks up with the most handsome eligible bachelor, and then they get married (!). And they live happily ever after, and all thanks to No More Tears Shampoo!

Then, if this ad is a success, the next (joke) one could be for a funeral, where nobody wants to cry all day at the memorial/funeral service. And so they all use No More Tears Shampoo right beforehand, and nobody cries at the funeral, leading the reporters covering the funeral to suspect the deceased was a secret fiend, and so s/he writes a horrible scandal-mongering article for the newspaper fabricating some horrible secret sadistic double life victimizing everyone, and the family get to sue the paper for libel and win, making them all instant millionaires (!!). Yea, No More Tears Shampoo!

New NSA Head

On NPR today I heard President Obama has nominated a new head for the NSA, and that it's important that the new head of the NSA help lead the demoralized agency into a new era. Apparently NSA employees are having a hard time doing their jobs, as they have been put very much under the microscope for their activities ever since the disclosure of their classified programs from materials leaked by former NSA contractor Edward Snowden.

I imagine it would be uncomfortable trying to work knowing that people are constantly looking over your shoulder, watching your every move, and possibly judging you personally for every little thing that you're doing, so I hope they can get a new guy in there to help them with a renewed focus and a new direction. I know I would probably feel weird too if I thought people were secretly watching everything I did and scrutinizing my every action, so I really sympathize with these demoralized NSA employees. It must be really creepy and distracting to feel like prying eyes are constantly watching and spying and invading your privacy.

Olympic Threats from Less Extreme Extremists

Threats to pull fire alarms for no reason

Threats to leave tacks in spectators’ seats

Threats to stick chewing gum in athletes’ hair

Threats to charge unreasonable amount for parking

Threats to put itching powder in athletes’ underwear and socks

Threats to leave banana peels in walkways for people to slip on and fall

Threats to send flea-, bedbug- and lice-infested operatives into the crowd to give everyone fleas, lice and bedbugs

Threats to toss hot tea and coffee on ice skating rink, ruining the surface and leaving unsightly stains and such on the ice

Threats to send numerous operatives who have eaten foods specifically to cause lots and lots of bad breath and flatulence in crowded spaces

Henchman Union?

I keep seeing movies and TV shows where henchmen screw things up for bad guys, and they get killed horribly for their screw-ups. But people in the government screw things up even worse, and they don’t get fired. And that’s because of the union, where nobody can ever be fired for incompetence or corruption, or any other reason, apparently. So I think the bad guy henchmen need to unionize! That way, when they don’t kill the heroes and such, they can always live and get their job back, and fail again and again. After all, how else are evil henchmen’s families supposed to pay their bills? (And if they can’t have a happy and stable home life, it’s no wonder they keep screwing up: they’re sad and lonely.)

Of course as we all know, the real strength of a union is not its ability to keep companies in line so much as its power to prevent future employees from appearing. And so if henchmen unionized, if evil geniuses killed or fired their henchmen, they wouldn’t be able to get any more henchmen without a meeting with the union, and I think we all know how much egotistical power-crazy evil geniuses enjoy admitting they are not all-powerful. And so they’ll just accept the incompetent henchmen, and possibly have a henchmen training program to help prevent incompetence in the future. Or else the union will hold such courses so that nobody will be able to find more qualified, competent henchmen anywhere else! (Oh, and henchwomen too, of course! Or would that be henchpersons now?)

See, that’s the power of unions! Bond villains can’t just kill their henchmen when they screw up if they’re in a henchmen’s union, local 007. I mean, sure, the villains can hire some scab henchmen, but they’ll know immediately that they’ll be fed to the piranhas or crocodiles if they screw up. Plus, nobody wants a picket line in front of their secret hideout, because that’s a dead giveaway, right there. How do you think the heroes always find these places anyway? (They never tell the whole truth in these movies!)

(BTW: MS Word accepts “henchperson” as being spelled correctly, meaning someone had a meeting about this at some point. Wow, who knew being an incompetent evil henchperson would become a gender-equality rallying-cry?)

Thursday, January 30, 2014

A Drug-Fueled Sex Game Gone Right (Viagra Ad?)

With the news of yet another bogus guilty verdict for Amanda Knox, I am reminded of what the Italian prosecutor claimed was the motive for the murder: a drug-fueled sex game gone wrong. (How ridiculous can you get? That was seriously the suspicion? I mean, honestly… What a twisted and silly imagination Italian prosecutors must have. Maybe they've seen too many Giallo movies?)

Yes, I hate it when those kinds of games go wrong. Although generally, I would venture to guess it more often ends in mere disappointment in most cases, as opposed to murder (otherwise I would think we'd hear about lots more sex-game-gone-wrong murder cases on Nancy Grace as opposed to, oh, I don't know, um, none…). But I think I know a drug that might cut down on the chances of the sex game going wrong: Viagra. So maybe this could be a new ad for them? It could go like this:

We see the exterior of a closed bedroom door, and an announcer says: "We hear a lot about drug-fueled sex games gone wrong. But if you fuel your sex games with our drug, they will always go right!" Then we see the Viagra logo superimposed over the closed bedroom door as we hear the giggling of a man and woman coming from behind it.

Oh, and of course they would have to have the disclaimer: "If your sex game gone right lasts more than four hours, call a doctor to come join in on the fun!"

How to Make Republicans Stand for Ovations at 2015 State of the Union Address

Every year, it's the same thing: members of the party in power stans and applaud at every line of the president's State of the Union address, and members of the opposing party sit in stone-faced disapproval. Oh, but if leaked reports are to be believed, next year is going to be different!

Yes, reportedly next year Democratic Party operatives are planning to install the Percepto shock gadgets William Castle used to make people scream in his movie The Tingler. These units supposedly shocked, or at least joy-buzzed, the seats, causing audience members to stand and scream.

Hopefully the Republicans will stand each time the gadgets jolt their chairs, making it appear the president has the full support of Congress, and providing a uniform standing ovation look for television audiences. Of course, Republicans may end up screaming instead of clapping, but it's a reaction of some sort, which is at least a beginning, and arguably an improvement over the sit & scowl approach.

And if this doesn't work to achieve the desired result, I have it on good authority that networks will simple use CGI to fake a full standing ovation from Republicans during each applause line of the 2016 State of the Union speech. (Hey, they news spins and fabricates so much already, so why not just go all the way?)

This is Percepto:

Hmm, you know, they could also try using retractable needles in the seats of the chairs; deploying those into some backsides ought to jolt people up out of their chairs.

Get Sweet Cred (Proposed Valentine's Day Candy Company Ad)

A young man gives a box of chocolates to his girlfriend on Valentine's Day, and she says: "Oh, you're so sweet!" Then we see the slogan: "Get Sweet Cred" printed over the freeze-frame of the hug the young woman gives her boyfriend, and the announcer says: "This Valentine's Day, Get Sweet Cred, with (whatever candy company)'s Valentine's Day Box!"

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Dad Gum

It's Dad Gum: The gum specially formulated for fathers! We know the stresses you can experience from fatherhood, so we've made a gum just for you dads out there. Chew away your stress and worry of earning enough money to keep a roof over your family's head, to put food on the table, to make sure your children get a good education, as well as behave themselves and not get in trouble. So while you're stressing out, chew away your troubles with Dad Gum, the only gum specially created to help you while away the time as you worry waiting for your kids to come home hours after their curfew.

That's Dad Gum: The calming chewing gum for fretting fathers.

("Dad Gum" was a bowdlerization of curse words from shows like The Dukes of Hazzard.)

Patrick Kennedy on Justin Bieber

Patrick Kennedy was on CNN to discuss Justin Bieber's suspected substance abuse problems and the complicating issues of his fame and money. Patrick Kennedy said it's a serious problem he understands well. But he glossed over an issue I was hoping he would raise in light of Bieber's brushes with the law; I was waiting for him to say: "And it's more serious for Justin Bieber, because he's not an elected government official, so he will get charged when he breaks the law, unlike me: I got away with everything! Or was it my family connections and favoritism from the news people that prevented my prosecution? But hey, he could run for office, and I could adopt him: then surely he would be above the law."

IBM Animated Graphical Ad Campaign

An IBM ad campaign currently running on television uses animated graphics quite beautifully and in a quite engaging manner to tell little stories about how IBM helps the world operate smoothly. (Boy, I wish IBM could do something about the government stalemate and maybe fix Obamacare, but I suppose even they cannot do the impossible!) The look is based upon the fun Paul Rand IBM logo seen here, and it's really quite well done. (The only thing is that the one with all the pills may cause drug addicts to jones for some pharmaceuticals, so I might have axed that one. But I can't find it to show you, so maybe someone already did.)

Here's an example of this clever, neat looking campaign:

And no, wait, I just found that one with all the pills. See if you don't agree with me:

(The pill ad looks great, though, just like the others.)

Ultimate Fighting Interviews?

New York Congressman Grimm threatened a reporter who asked him about embarrassing scandal allegations after the State of the Union address last night, saying the reporter is "not man enough", and that he will "break him in half". And that made me think maybe news agencies should hire reporters who are man enough, so that when politicians threaten them, they can actually fight it out in front of the camera. We could get guys like Chuck Liddell and Tito Ortiz to become political journalists, and when politicians will not answer questions, they could put the question-dodgers into submission holds and really get some honest answers (for a change)! And they could threaten that if they find out the politicians were lying, they will hunt them down and beat them up, embarrassing them on camera!

(Hey, if politicians want to play rough, the reporters ought to throw down with them!)

Everyone would pay attention to politics if the interviews were like a UFC event!

Here's the threatening story:

New Grimm TV Show?

There's a TV show called Grimm, where some guy fights mythological monsters who disguise themselves as humans. But now there's a congressman named Grimm who threatened a reporter who asked him about a scandal. And so why not simply say he's doing guerrilla marketing to promote his new political Grimm show? He could say his Grimm fights reporters and the media elite, because they're all secretly evil aliens trying to conquer the world with progressivism and media bias. (Yes, Rep. Grimm is a Republican, so he likely thinks the news is a vast left-wing conspiracy.)

Here's the star of the new show:

And this is the TV series Grimm:

President Obama Accused of Plagiarism

A former George W. Bush speechwriter has accused President Obama of plagiarizing parts of last night's State of the Union address from one delivered by George W. Bush a few years ago. And this accusation is nothing new, as the president has been accused by others of plagiarism before, even by Hillary Clinton in 2008. But this is a ridiculous claim to make against the president, and I'll tell you why.

President Obama doesn't write his speeches; he just reads them from a teleprompter. Even his speech announcing he was going to run for president was written by someone else (I was very disappointed/disillusioned when I found that out*). So how could he be guilty of plagiarism when he doesn't write the speech? Unless it's a crime to read someone else's writing, then he's innocent of this charge.

Here's the claim from last night:

And here's Hillary's claim from 2008:

* I understand that presidents have speechwriters, and that's fine, but I think candidates should write their own speeches, because how else are we supposed to know who they are or what they stand for? Someone else's speech could completely mislead us, so we should get to hear their own words, just so we really know who they are and what they want to do.

Home Depot's Marketing Coup

Atlanta froze over yesterday, stranding thousands of people in their cars and leaving the highways looking like long parking lots. CNN reports lots of people fled their cars and walked to area Home Depot stores, where employees set the stores up into big slumber parties, with movies playing for some, news reports on for others, and outdoor furniture set up into a makeshift dining center to feed everyone. So they fed and entertained everyone, and then they set up makeshift beds for everybody so they could sleep over.

Wow, what a great thing to do! And what a good marketing coup it is, too! So how about an ad covering this event, wrapped up with the slogan: "Home Depot: Our home is your home."

(Of course, if they did that, their competitors could send people over to try to live at Home Depot permanently, and when they get thrown out, the competitors could have cameras there ready to film the incidents, and then they could make ads to rebut the slogan, saying: "Home Depot claims their home is your home; but look what happens when people try to live at Home Depot full-time: They're thrown out onto the street by the heartless corporation!")

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Live Blogging of the State of the Union Address (By a Middle Schooler)

Boring! Let's watch something else!

True Religion Jeans Competitors

True Religion Jeans is a designer jeans company that makes cool but very expensive jeans for men and women and tout right in their name the fact that everyone who wears other brands of jeans are infidels. So I thought it might be fun for some other religion-themed designer jeans companies to appear to wage a holy war for denim supremacy, leading us to the fashion apocalypse. So here are some possible jeans companies to compete True Religion Jeans:

Doomsday Cult Jeans: Go out in style wearing jeans with a fit that's to die for! (Back pockets have an embroidered graphic of a Kool Aid pitcher mascot with Xs for eyes.)

Televangelist Jeans: Nothing goes with the boob tube like Televangelist Jeans!

Crusader Jeans: Conquer sexy and impose the faith upon all who see you in these stylish jeans!

Inquisition Jeans: Put your looks to the question with a brutally sexy fit that makes you suffer for your fashion!

False Prophet Jeans: Everyone will lie to you about your butt not looking fat in False Prophet Jeans!

Infidel Jeans: Slip into sacrilege with our hip heretical hosiery! Yes, they're jeans that are so tight, they're considered tights! And they're so sexy, it's blasphemous just to try them on!

Idolatry Jeans: Worship at the altar of fashion with Idolatry Jeans! Everyone will bow down to you when you wear the look that will make you everyone's idol of style!

Pagan Sacrifice Jeans: Mark your ass for death with rockin' looks you'll kill for! Each pair comes with authentic human blood spattered on them from the last human sacrifice performed by the company!

Weirdo Hippie Cult Jeans: Tune in, turn on and drop out with our unwashed hip-hugger bell-bottoms with colorful peace signs on the back pockets and floral embroidery all over the legs! Each pair comes with a complementary surprise bag of drugs in each pocket.

Nietzsche Jeans: Tell the world God is dead to you with a look and fit that says there is no meaning of life without them!

Holy War Jeans: Looks that kill for God will help you achieve fashion martyrdom with an explosive look and fit that says: "Death to Infidel Jeans!"

Religion of Peace Jeans: Wear our special martial arts jeans and create havoc and violence everywhere you go with Religion of Peace Jeans! And if anyone tries to claim your religion is not peaceful based upon your actions, kill them! (<Just to prove them wrong.) That's Religion of Peace Jeans: Because people are killed over religion every day.

Sectarian Violence Jeans: Get all the sects you want all hot and bothered with a look that's totally sectsy!

Faith Healing Jeans: Is your love life dying? Then wear Faith Healing Jeans: If you believe in them enough, your love life will be saved! (If it doesn't work, it's only because you didn't have enough faith.)

Confessional Jeans: Wear these extra-forgiving jeans and you'll have people exclaiming: "I confess, you look great!" Wear Confessional Jeans, and all is forgiven! (Just don't break the confidentiality agreement!)

Transubstantiation Jeans: Wearing them is a sacrament that transforms you into a divine fashion goddess!

Indulgence Jeans: Indulge yourself with heavenly jeans that will bribe your way into the fashion firmament!

Agnostic Jeans: Do you want to wear them? Who knows? Who can say if they're comfortable or stylish? Nobody can prove it either way. You'll just have to think about what you believe…

Atheist Jeans: There is no such thing as jeans, and you will prove it to everyone by wearing our practical, comfortable, brightly-colored corduroy trousers. Atheist Jeans: We do not believe in denim: corduroy is the evolution of casual slacks!

Westboro Baptist Jeans: Wear your hate on your pants leg with Westboro Baptist Church Jeans! With offensive, divisive, intolerant, hateful slogans embroidered on the jeans, like: "God Hates F*gs", and "Thank God for Dead Soldiers", you'll always court controversy wherever you go in bigoted, hate-mongering, God-bullying style. When people kick your ass for your hateful comments, they can attack your statements at the same time! And with Westboro Baptist slogans printed on the back pockets, it's especially appropriate, since they pulled them right out of their ass!

Priest Sex Abuse Jeans: Cover your shame in style when you wear Priest Sex Abuse Jeans, the only jeans that covers up scandals as well as your naughty bits! But with a secret special feature to get them off, these jeans offer superior drop-ability so you can get out of the pants and get out of the responsibility for your crimes afterwards! The only brand of jeans designed specifically for pervert priests, as they help shuffle you to a new post after each accusation!

(Actually, Holy War Jeans and Sectarian Violence Jeans may well be run by True Religion Jeans, because when you think yours is the true religion, then everyone else must be a heretic, and every other religion must be a false religion. And that's the kind of thing that makes people persecute and kill others, as well as destroy historical artifacts.)

Strip Mine (The Strip Club)

Yes, it's Strip Mine, the bring-your-own-stripper strip club! You bring 'em, and we'll strip 'em!

My Foul Lady

We all know My Fair Lady, the play/movie about the lower class woman who learns how to speak and act like an aristocrat; but how about a turnabout on this idea? The result would be called, naturally, My Foul Lady, and it would be about an aristocratic young woman from a titled family of the landed gentry in the United Kingdom, and she is joining an elite intelligence/law enforcement squad that investigates organized crime and terrorist cells and such, and as her upcoming assignment is to infiltrate some very gauche lower class criminal underground group, she must learn how to talk and act just like the criminal types from the gutter; and to teach her there is some retired underworld mobster from the wrong side of the tracks, and he teaches her all about how to talk and behave in the seedy underbelly of London's lawbreaking brutes and scum. And since there is such a rogues gallery of people she must impress and rub shoulders with, she must learn all sorts of specialized lexicons, dialects and vernacular from all kinds of criminal activities from drugs to robberies to assassin squads to extortion rackets and terrorist groups, etc. And after much work and practice in acquiring her new skills, to prove her abilities she insinuates herself into some underground illegal snake fighting gambling thing, and she impresses everyone she meets, who all comment on how low and seedy and sinister and shifty and such she appears. And then she is deemed ready and able to brave the rough-and-tumble netherworld of the lowest-down, most classless environment imaginable, for which she is now perfectly suited thanks to her grueling training in the high art of the low down by our slimy Henry Higgins stand-in.

(Of course, all of the criminal types will be extra gauche and exaggerated for toughness, etc., just like in the Bugs Bunny cartoons, just to make everything as ridiculous and overly mannered as possible for comedic effect. And the Henry Higgins opposite guy would be some master criminal/super villain type like Gru from Despicable Me or Simon Bar Sinister.)

Monday, January 27, 2014

Controversial Comment Tea

From the makers of Constant Comment, it's Controversial Comment Tea: For outrageous flavor that keeps people's ire up all day, choose Controversial Comment Tea! It's the perfect tea for today's controversial comment-obsessed culture! Brew it extra long for that extra bitter aftertaste! That's Controversial Comment Tea: The official beverage of CNN.

That's Controversial Comment Tea: It really gets people talking!

Plus, if you want to fill up on empty calories to go with your Controversial Comment, try Panel Discussion biscuits: they're the perfect follow-up to a taste of Controversial Comment!

Phillips' Colon Heath Super Bowel (Joke) Ad

Well, the Super Bowl is coming up this weekend, and you know what that means: Super Bowl ads! And with so many attention getting ads for the Super Bowl, why not make one that references the name of the game, but in a joke way that spells it differently so they can't be sued? (Apparently nobody is allowed to say or write the words "Super Bowl" under threat of death and dismemberment, or at least economic sanction.) And with Phillips' Colon Health claiming to help our colon health right there in the name of the product, how about saying it will give you a "Super Bowel"? (I'll bet everyone would remember that claim!)

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Royal Caribbean: Destination Ew!

Reportedly there has been an outbreak of a serious illness causing diarrhea and vomiting aboard a Royal Caribbean cruise ship this weekend. This makes me wonder if they might want to alter their recent ad slogan from "Destination Wow" to "Destination Ew!". Or maybe they could use "Destination Diarrhea & Vomiting", because as we all remember, with the "Destination Wow" ad, they trademarked the word "Wow" in a ridiculous example of corporate arrogance. But if they used "Destination Diarrhea & Vomiting" in an ad, perhaps they could trademark the words "Diarrhea" and "Vomiting", and that way they could try to sue anyone who used those words from now on, since they would own them as trademarks. And so news agency could not easily report on incidents like this, since Royal Caribbean would own the serious-sounding words, leaving the news only slang expressions like "the runs" and "up-chuck" for their reports. Plus, if they ran ads highlighting the diarrhea and vomiting, especially by using a slogan like "Destination Diarrhea & Vomiting", when their passengers got sick in the future, they wouldn't get in any trouble over it, since they would have clearly advertised these symptoms as part of the vacation experience. And with more and more outbreaks of illness on cruise ships these days, it might be a smart strategy to just nip bad news in the bud by touting such bad experiences as desirable in the advertising.

Here's the sickening story:

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Maughammie Dearest

A portmanteau film made up of overtly campy versions of W. Somerset Maugham stories, each starring Faye Dunaway in a cameo role. Or else a combination of his better known plotlines into one mishmash storyline movie, like with the hero from The Razor’s Edge passing through China on his way to Tibet and meeting up with friends from The Painted Veil while they’re fighting a cholera outbreak, and what do you know but the doctor from Of Human Bondage is there fighting cholera too while slavishly following his tramp love, who is Miss Sadie Thompson in this version, but she loves the painter from The Moon and Sixpence, so the doctor goes to get a love potion from The Magician before being gunned down by the heroine of The Letter by mistake, causing everyone to die from cholera.

Ideally this project would be directed by John Waters.

Friday, January 24, 2014

Forger’s Coffee (Joke Ad)

In watching the US Figure Skating Championships recently, I saw yet another ad for Folger’s Coffee. They said things about excellence and stuff, but all I could think about was the recent CBS Sunday Morning report about forgers making fake wines. And so I thought: “Hey, how about Forger’s Coffee, the coffee for forgers?”

Here’s how this ad would work: We would see someone forging a vintage wine worth millions of dollars, and the announcer says: “At Forger’s, we know it takes focus and dedication to forge a great wine. That’s why we make a coffee that gives you the focus you need to forge your own masterpiece. Because nothing helps a forger forge a masterpiece than the masterpiece of Forger’s: the coffee forged for forgers.”

And then the next ad in the campaign could focus on painters who are master forgers, forging fake masterpieces to be sold at auctions.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Bustin’ Bieber (Justin Bieber True Crime Movies & TV Shows)

With the coincidence of mob arrests on charges related to the JFK Lufthansa heist referenced in the movie Goodfellas and the arrest of Justin Bieber on serious criminal charges today, Hollywood has decided to rush into production movies and television shows based upon the shocking true crime stories of Justin Bieber.

The first production, the theatrical film Bustin’ Bieber will show the months of undercover police work necessary to bust the vicious criminal Justin Bieber, and the brave cops who risked their lives finally to bring this immoral human animal to justice. This heroic tale of cops living on the edge to stop a ruthless maniac is said to be the grittiest true crime film since Goodfellas.

Next, a dark, noirish television series called Justinfied will introduce a stalwart US Marshal who has come to redeem a desperate town living under the brutal thumb of the crime kingpin Justin Bieber. (It’s sort of like the TV series Justified, but with the even more menacing Justin Bieber as the villain.)

Following closely on the heels of Justinfied will be a prison lock-up show following our pop idol’s abject experiences doing hard time in prison called Justin Time.

Then, a new farcical sitcom series called Bustin’ Justin is planned, showing the hijinks of a pop star’s brushes with the law, and the Keystone Kops-style police department that always manages to drop the ball on making the case against him, constantly arresting the singer, but always having to end up dropping the charges.

And slated for next year comes the thrilling narcotics trafficking crime drama The Canadian Connection, about a drug kingpin trafficking in Sizzurp posing as a teen pop idol singing sensation, attempting to cover up his drug trafficking empire with juvenile vandalism and DUI drag racing arrests intended to throw investigators off the track of his real criminal activities. But one DEA agent isn’t fooled, leading to an underworld of horror and thrills!

And of course there will be the made-for-television true crime movie of today’s criminal conspiracy to drag race and the resultant thrilling arrest, The Justin Case.

And what entertainment package would be complete without a reality TV series? And in this case, the show is Justin Justice: it follows the crack team of police investigators who make it their business to protect the public from the nefarious crimes of Justin Bieber.

Be sure to see them all, they’ll be unbelieberble!

(Now, this is just a joke, but apparently CNN has gone whole hog on this already and is currently showing a specially produced show on how Justin Bieber's life is spiraling out of control, based on just two recent incidents {which I beliebe are staged to make him seem tough and dangerous now that he is no longer a kid} and a bunch of normal exasperated reactions to scandal rag photographers.)

Buick Lacrosse Date Songs Ad

In this whimsical spot for the Buick Lacrosse, a father driving his daughter and her date to a school dance uses the new voice activation feature to play song after song with the suggestion that there had better be no hanky-panky on this date, after which his daughter says: “Alright Dad, we get it.”

As a joke tag, we could see the young couple picked up by the girl’s father after the dance, and to get back at him for embarrassing her earlier, she could say: “Play: ‘Papa Don’t Preach’.” (That’s the Madonna song about the girl who accidentally gets pregnant and turns to her father for support, having decided to keep the baby. So it would have a special joke double-meaning for those who know the song.)

But I hope this father realizes that if he keeps this sort of thing up with his daughter, she’s likely to rebel and run away to become a porn star just to get revenge on him. (After all, we hear a lot about “daddy issues”, and maybe this is the kind of thing they’re talking about?)

Here’s the musically squirming spot:

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Subaru “They Lived” Ad

Wow, what an ad to see right after seeing how every single small car failed the new crash tests but one!

Yes, it’s the “They Lived” spot from Subaru. It’s simple, sleek, elegant, and it communicates its message without anything getting in the way. Great job!

Here’s the lively spot:

This ad uses a very similar strategy to one I laid out last year for a proposed Nissan pickup truck ad. The scenario is quite different here, but the strategy is exactly the same. (I wonder if they read my post?)

But I still like mine a little better, because mine is based upon an actual horrific crash, whereas this Subaru ad, as good as it is, has a fictitious family pretend to have survived a fictitious crash, as we just have to take their word for it that a wreck like that depicted in the commercial is survivable in their car.

Here’s my post from last year with a very similar advertising strategy, but for a Nissan pickup truck, based upon a viral crash video:

(Hey, you don’t suppose they will make a version of this Subaru ad based upon the John Carpenter movie They Live, do you? We could see how the alien overlords tyrannizing society would have been eradicated but for the fact that they drive a Subaru, and so every attempt to kill them by human rebels fails, and Earth continues to be dominated by the evil aliens, and all thanks to Subaru! {Oh, the humanity!})

This is the movie They Live:

Small Car Crash Test Ratings

CNN had a report this morning about the crash test ratings for numerous new small cars, and they all failed miserably except for one: the Chevy Spark, which earned the coveted “Acceptable” rating.

Wow, only one small car got the “Acceptable” rating? What did the others get? I mean, if “Acceptable” is the top rating for such cars, what are the other possible ratings? Did some get the “I Hope You Have Life Insurance” rating? Did others get the “They’ll Be Scraping You Off the Tarmac” rating? And what’s the lowest rating for this class of cars? Maybe the “Don’t Bother With the Organ Donation Form” rating?

Well, at least it’s nice for people who get gouged with high gas prices that apparently they are paying for something besides luxury, like maybe survivability.

Here’s the smashing story:

Twix Political Hatchet Job (Joke) Ad

Recent Twix ads have asked us to “pick a side” between the right and the left. But they don’t really seem like they mean it. If they really want us to get into this left-right battle, shouldn’t they show the Twix bars attacking each other, with the right one calling the left one a Marxist, a Socialist and a “baby killer”, and the left one calling the right one a racist and accusing it of hating gay candy bars and wanting poor candy bars to die in poverty while subsidizing junk food companies? And both sides could attack and smear the other side until everyone is disgusted and nobody wants to eat a candy bar anymore, and they just go buy some Doritos instead. I mean, I get the joke of the right-left divide in this country, but if they don’t show the hatred, bigotry and intolerance coming from both sides, they’re not really being accurate about the political landscape. And isn’t accuracy about the political divisiveness in our country what Americans want from a candy bar?

(BTW: This is all a joke {obviously}, and I think this Twix campaign is really fun. But when they make it left vs. right, what are people going to think these days?)

Here’s the right vs. left Twix bar ad:

Actually, in a political right vs. left battle, I would think Twix would side with Republicans, because the Democrats are trying so hard to demonize and ban junk food and candy, as well as lots of other foodstuffs for a myriad of other reasons. But I guess kids are mostly liberals, huh? (Until the Democrats ban candy and snack foods…)

Life of Pie

I was reminded the other day of the movie Life of Pi, seeing as how I still have a screener of it lying around, and it made me think of another, similar story: Life of Pie. Yes, in this retelling of the tale, a passenger ship sinks, and only a few people manage to save themselves in a lifeboat, with only one thing to eat between them: a pie. Oh, but little do they know, but it’s a living, sentient pie, and it knows what they’re up to! So, using its deadly martial arts skills (it having learned such skills to defend itself against dessert lovers and children), it manages to beat up, toss from the lifeboat, and drown everyone except one guy, who said at the beginning of the conspiracy to murder and consume the super-intelligent warrior pie: “I don’t like pie.” And so these two stalwart survivors work together as a team, learning to respect and admire each other, until they are ultimately rescued. Oh, but by then, the pie has become moldy, and the rescuers throw it away into the garbage, to which the human survivor says: “Good, get rid of it: I never liked pie.” (And then it gets eaten by rats and pigs: Oh, the piety!)

Oh, the pathos! It’s the sweetest tale with the flakiest characters of the crustiest fight for survival that’s packed with the most filling you’ve ever seen: It’s Life of Pie, coming soon to a dessert store theater near you!

(And as a sequel, we team our heroes together for a Hindenburg-style air disaster survival actioner called: Pie in the Sky!)

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Squashbucklers (The Animated Movie)

Yes, it’s Squashbucklers, the movie about militant squash who fight for survival against the dastardly vegetarians trying to eat them! And, naturally, because they are squash, they would use to fight back the same types of weapons that people would use to prepare them for food: bladed weapons, like swords and kitchen knives and vegetable peelers.

Poisoned and embittered by a world gone mad, a world where people want to eat them and bully people who would eat meat instead of vegetables (meat from animals that would also eat our heroes), our motley band of heroes become pirates and brigands, swearing revenge and sword-fighting their way through life against the hippies who killed their families and threaten their loved ones! No-one is safe, when the Cuisinarted becomes the Cuisinarter!

Oh, and if this movie is a hit, wait for the sequel: Rat-a-tat-ouille, the movie where our squash heroes get machine guns to fight vegans with! (But their machine guns only shoot corn kernels, and ultimately they are routed and become ratatouille. Oh, sorry: spoiler alert!)

Man, would merchandising for this movie be easy! Just paste some googlie eyes and an action figure sword to real squash! Kids will love them all (until they begin to spoil)!

Gatorade Oscars Ad (Proposed)

We see (a fictitious version of) the Oscars, and they are announcing the winner of the Academy Award for Best Actress, and then the camera pans into the audience to look at the faces of the nominees, only to find that four of them are missing, showing only their empty chairs, and when we get to the last nominee, she’s waiting in her chair, and we see the other four nominees sneaking up behind her with a cooler filled with Gatorade, and as the hosts announce her name as the winner of the coveted award, the other nominees douse her with the Gatorade Shower. And then the announcer chimes into say: “The Gatorade Shower: It’s the spirit of victory, given to the winner!” And then, as the tag, we see the winning actress up at the podium to accept the award, soaked to the skin and dripping wet, and she says: “I’d like to thank everyone, and, could I have a towel, please? This stuff is freezing!”

(And wouldn’t it be cathartic for the losing nominees to get to pour freezing cold Gatorade on the one who beat them all, in a couture designer dress with priceless borrowed jewelry?)

Davis & White: The Cusp of Greatness

After winning nationals by almost 30 points, American Ice Dancing team Davis & White gave an interview where Charlie said something suggesting they are moving to “the cusp of greatness”. Now, personally, I think they passed that cusp into actual greatness over five years ago, but saying something magisterial like that about yourself is very risky, because it can come back to haunt you later if anything goes wrong.

I can’t imagine there are any Davis & White haters out there in the American Olympics announcer pool, but even so, if they fall, or lose, or get injured, you have to know someone is going to say: “Oh, and just when they were on the cusp of greatness!” And when the documentary about these Winter Olympics is made, the announcer will say: “And just as they were on the cusp of greatness, disaster struck!”

I hope they win the gold this time, but it is a judged sport, and it is in Russia, and there have been bribery and corruption scandals in the past with regard to figure skating, so you never know. And if they don’t win, I hope the cusp of greatness comment does not come back to haunt them, as they have done so much for American Ice Dancing, being likely the best team of all time, lifting ice dancing to a whole new level.

Dr. Pol’s Pot (New Cooking Show?)

Nat Geo has a new show where a veterinarian takes care of all kinds of wild animals called Dr. Pol. But when the animals don’t survive, I heard he makes them into a stew for his upcoming show on the Cooking Channel: Dr. Pol’s Pot.

Airborne Swiss Cheese Body Holes Ad

There was an odd news story this past week about someone called the “Swiss Cheese Pervert” who wants to pay women to watch him have sex with Swiss cheese, apparently. And after this story, I saw the Airborne ad where the woman has holes in her body showing through her clothes so she looks like a piece of Swiss cheese, and I thought: “Hey, that woman would be perfect for that cheese pervert guy! Then he wouldn’t even be a pervert: he’d be happily married.” So if nobody takes Airborne, it’s only a matter of time before this guy meets somebody who is right for him. (In fact, I’ll bet that guy saw this ad, and figured there was really a woman like that, and he just drove around looking for her.)

Here’s the story about the “Swiss Cheese Pervert”, so you won’t think I made it up:

And here’s the Airborne ad with the woman with Swiss cheese holes in her body: