Sunday, September 30, 2012

Kohler "Psycho" (Joke) Ad

I was watching some BBC show about horror movies today, and when they showed the shower scene from Psycho, for some reason it reminded me of those ads for Kohler bathroom faucets, and it made me think this Psycho shower scene could be made into a fun Halloween ad for Kohler.

So how this ad would work is that the shower scene from Psycho would start out as usual, only with some really neato Kohler shower head in the scene; and when Norman Bates's "mother" shows up to stab Marion Crane, as soon as she pulls back the shower curtain, the shower head and the water flow are so gorgeous, the killer stops to admire it, as if in a trance, saying: "Wow! Nice shower!" Then, Marion Crane looks up at the shower head, and says: "Yes, it's a Kohler: isn't it wonderful?"* So then the "mother" (actually a real woman, just for this ad), says yes, and asks if she can use it after Marion is finished. So Marion says she's already done with her shower, although the shower is so nice, she could "stay in (t)here forever", and so she gets out; and in the last scene, we see Mrs. Bates enjoying the shower herself. Then the ad could end on their famous tagline: "The bold look of Kohler".

And while this is just a joke, I think (like with many of my joke ads) it would really work well as an ad anyway, because it would most certainly call attention to itself, and once anyone saw it, they would be unlikely to forget it or what the product was it was advertising for.

* To be even more knowing of the movie subject matter, Marion could say: "I know: it's crazy, right? It's a Kohler!" And then she could say: "Actually, I'm done now, but I'd just die to stay in here forever!"

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Apple Developing AI Robosaurus to Stalk and Destroy Google Self-Driving Cars

In a new bit of one-upmanship from the tech titans, Apple announced Saturday it has been developing and is ready to release a sentient, artificial intelligence-operated, driverless Robosaurus (tentatively named the "Applosaurus") to stalk and destroy Google's new driverless cars. A representative for Apple said: "They've been undermining our iPhone with their Android operating system, so we're going to get even by ruining their self-driving automobiles with super car-crunching power!" When asked when it might be ready for a public demonstration, the Apple rep was quoted as saying: "Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!!!"

Upon hearing of this development, another Apple rival, Samsung, announced it was trying to figure out how to make Apple's new Robosaurus "extinct", in retribution for the legal wrangling that has caused friction between the companies lately. But industry insiders are hoping Samsung will develop their own copyright-infringing version of a self-driving Robosaurus (expected to bear the moniker "Samsaurus"), and rather than sue each other, the two titans of technological terror can battle it out live on Pay-Per-View!

This is Robosaurus, for those who are unfamiliar:

Food Fighters

There is discontent amongst our nation's youth when it comes to the new school lunches, if news reports are to be believed. I thought school lunches were bad anyway, but at least they used to be bad for us! And if it's not bad for you, kids won't like it. But there's one possible way to try to make eating right seem cool.

We all know the band Foo Fighters are supporters of President Obama: they play for him, they help raise money, etc. And seeing as how they're rock stars, whatever they do will seem cool, right? (Or will it seem lame because they're my age? I'm never sure about that part.) Well, maybe they can help push the healthy food initiative by changing their name to "Food Fighters", and singing all about how they're doing battle with unhealthy foodstuffs, leaving the world safe for kids to eat healthy. And they can really sell this message by making music videos about how they're battling big yucky monsters that look like big greasy cheeseburgers that use bacon as whips and try to slime and smother them with melted cheese sauce, etc. They could be like a musical version of the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, fighting for health and food purity.

Then, if this works, the government will have to try to create new rappers called things like "Healthy D" (as opposed to Heavy D), "The Fit Boys" (rather than The Fat Boys), "Low Sodium & Fresh Pepper" (instead of Salt & Pepper), "The Fresh Piece of Fruit" (rather than The Fresh Prince), Yum E. Fresh (instead of Doug E. Fresh), etc., to try to send the message out for the kids who like that music. And Lil Wayne wouldn't even have to change his name at all to help (because his name indicates he is not obese)! And Eminem can change his alter ego's name to "Slim Shapey" (from Slim Shady), to indicate that he's slim and in such good shape from exercising.

But the Democrats had better hurry up and get this youth health music scene going, or else perhaps the Republicans can fan the flame-broiled discontent of the youth school lunch revolt into winning the youth vote for the future with the promise of an all-you-can-eat buffet of future fatty foods!

Friday, September 28, 2012

Too Overweight for Military Service

Some news story I saw this week said 25% of people that are the correct age for military service are too overweight to serve. Now I think I understand the "obesity epidemic"!

Back when I was born, people were burning their draft cards, running away to Canada, etc., all to get out of having to go fight in the Vietnam War. But kids these days are smarter than that! All they have to do now is eat their way into 4-F status! It couldn't be any easier, either.

Except that now Michelle Obama is trying to make kids eat healthy at school. The Daily Show did a story on this last night. But they forgot to mention that the government only wants to make kids lose weight so they can be cannon fodder in future wars! (A-ha!)

So kids: Beware of wolves in tofurkey's clothing! Save yourselves! It's healthier to be unhealthy! Bring secret stashes of saturated fats with you everywhere you go! And when people ask you why you're so fat, tell them it's to end all wars. Then it can become a movement, with "eat ins", etc. Plus, with all the hippies glomming onto the peace movement, all their pot smoke will just make you want to eat even more!

It's a can't miss strategy for avoiding military service! If only the 60s hippies had thought of it sooner. (But they're too hopped up on being sanctimonious about health food to realize the truth: Only through overeating greasy carnivorous diets can we achieve world peace through obesity and sloth! {And by then, we'll all become too fat to catch the animals anymore, so we'll all become vegans eventually anyway [or else cannibals]!})

Pulp Fiction 2: Pulpier Fiction

You know you want to see it: the lame, exploitative sequel to the great exploitation masterpiece Pulp Fiction, right? But they couldn't afford Quentin Tarantino or Roger Avary to write or direct this time, so... That's right: rather than a masterpiece, you get a mess-terpiece: Pulp Fiction 2: Pulpier Fiction.

This time, it's 20 years later, and a family member of Bruce Willis's character dies and leaves him a large estate and bequest, and he must come back to town to settle the estate and collect the money. Oh, but he had promised to never show his face in that town again, so he wears a fake beard and mustache and glasses getup, just so nobody will recognize him. But no sooner does he drive into town, but he gets into a car accident with Ving Rhames's character, the feared mob boss from the first film, and the impact of the wreck knocks Willis's disguise off his face, and he is recognized. Well, Ving Rhames might have been willing to let it slide for old times' sake, but as it happens, he has some underlings with him, and they know Willis is not allowed to come back to town, or else... So our underworld kingpin must do something to punish him (but not kill him, because Willis saved his life).

So, before inheriting his fortune, Willis must star in a series of illegal, underground Backyard Bum Fights-style videos, just to pay the piper. These videos are being directed and produced by a famous but faded Hollywood director (played by John Travolta, just to bring him back for the sequel somehow) who owes Ving Rhames's character a favor for killing a scandal-rag journalist who threatened to publish a story about how this director used to like to get masseurs to give him special "happy endings" he liked to call: "A Hollywood Ending". And these fights are supposed to be fixed, where Bruce Willis wins them all, but unbeknownst to him, another rival mob boss, who lost a lot of money in the fight Willis won in the first film, has sent in a ringer to win the fights, and he kills Bruce Willis with the "Fist of the White Lotus".

And that does it: then Bruce Willis's character's wife, the French girl (now played by Elodie Bouchez, because I like her better) comes back to town for revenge. In the mean time, she has trained to become a brutal ninja assassin so as to make ends meet now that Bruce's boxing career is all washed up (and because they lost everything in the financial crash), and she rides into town on a superbike and wielding a Samurai sword (the one Willis saved Rhames with from the first film {I know, I know: he didn't bring it with him; but she came back to get it or something: get off my back! This is supposed to be lame!}), and she chops every last one of the criminal gang members up, and she decapitates everyone else just for good measure. But, in a lame cliched ending, like in The Girl on a Motorcycle, she dies in a traffic accident just when she thinks she's gotten away with it! (Oh, and, um, Uma Thurman's character is played by Lindsay Lohan, because she was willing to bring her own drugs, thus saving the production money on fake drugs. And this time, she overdoses while driving and has some traffic accidents, for which she gets a slap on the wrist, just for the sake of verisimilitude. {That way, it feels like cinema verite!})

Oh, and towards the end, when Elodie Bouchez is slicing Ving Rhames's character's head off, Samuel L. Jackson just happens to walk by as it's happening, and he says (to himself): "I'm glad I got out when I did. Thank you Lord for the sign!" And then he continues on down the road to his new age church he founded, where he claims to be born again, etc., and he reforms former criminals and gang members, ruthlessly killing any who do not profess to have "seen the light", or to be "born again", saying: "You refuse to see the light? Then enter the darkness, motherf*cker!", or: "You won't be born again? Then die, motherf*cker!" (He has to say "motherf*cker" in all of his movies now. It's in his contract or something, I think.)

And if there's any time leftover, we can go into another story loop about the robbers and the drug dealer, where Amanda Plummer flipped on Tim Roth, and he's in prison now, and Eric Stoltz's drug dealer smuggles heroin for prison distribution to him in his butt. But then a big prison riot breaks out while he's there, he gets raped, and the balloon of heroin pops, and he overdoses. But he doesn't die, so he gets to go to prison there himself for drug smuggling.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Doctors Recommend 5 Hour Energy!

There's a television commercial making the rounds these days claiming that lots of doctors wholeheartedly recommend 5 Hour Energy. That's funny, because I'm pretty sure stroke doctors might say it's a potential stroke risk (like any stimulant might be). But I believe them when they say doctors recommend it. I'd just like to know who the doctors are. Are any of them named, by any chance: Dr. Jekyll, Dr. Frankenstein, Dr. Doom, Dr. Satan, Dr. Sadism, Dr. Giggles, Dr. Death, Dr. Feelgood, Dr. Octopus, Dr. Demento, Dr. Evil, etc.? Because that would be some endorsement!

I Spit on Your Grave 2

Earlier this month, I wrote up little joke ideas for lame sequels to great classic movies, and in conversing about one of the titles today with someone, it made me think of another fun stupid sequel title, this time to an appalling movie (by all accounts: I haven't seen it, and based upon the subject matter, I'm not really interested): I Spit on Your Grave. So the sequel to this movie could be called: I Spit on Your Grave 2: I Piss on Your Grave Too, and it would be much like the first movie in plot and subject matter (I have read reviews and such, so I am familiar with the rape/revenge plot of the first movie).

So in this sequel, our heroine avenger from the first movie is now married and has a daughter; and, much like many other lame sequels looking to cash in on another well-known movie do, this movie would have the same rape and torture stuff happen to her daughter. So, being her mother's daughter, and having a mother like her mother is, they team up to torture and kill the perpetrators and any and everyone who stand in their way, including the disinterested police and scandal-monger journalists. And, still filled with bloodlust and revenge, they also kill the husband/father just for being a male. And presto: just like that, you have yourself an objectionably offensive horror movie everyone would complain about, and thus tons of business would be drummed up for it. And it would suck and be derivative and cynical, all at the same time! (And really, with a movie like this, what more can you ask of it?)

Then, if this worked well, perhaps someone could launch a new horror/torture/rape/revenge movie franchise, and call it: I Dance on Your Grave. And if the first one does well, the sequel titles could each have a different kind of dance name in the title, like: I Dance the Charleston on Your Grave, I Dance on Your Grave 2: Electric Boogaloo (of course), I Dance the Jitterbug on Your Grave, I Break Dance on Your Grave, I Line Dance on Your Grave, etc. And each movie could take place in the appropriate environment according to the title; for example, the line dancing one could take place in rural Texas and involve cowboy types, the break dancing one could take place in the inner city, the Electric Boogaloo one could take place in 1980s disco dance and rollerskating culture, the Jitterbug one could take place in the Swing era, etc. And, maybe with so much dancing going on, they could even spin it off into a dance show like American Bandstand or Soul Train, only in a graveyard or cemetery (maybe it could be called: So You Think You Can Dance on My Grave?*), and sell lots of soundtrack albums of music to dance on people's graves to.

* (And in the show, while contestants are dancing on the graves, there are stuntmen dressed-up like zombies and stuff reaching out of the grave to grab and scare them, and if they stop dancing and run away, they lose.)

Breaking Bad (The Final Episode)

Vince Gilligan was just on The Colbert Report, and they were talking about Breaking Bad, and Stephen Colbert made a joke about revealing the ending, and it hit me how they ought to end the series. (Now, people who read this blog know that I love to ruin things that work really well with stupid joke ideas, so that's what this is.) So what they should do for the final episode, and to wrap up the whole series is this: Our hero chemistry teacher wakes up: it was all a bad dream! (People just love it when a movie or TV show uses a cop-out ending like this, a la Mark of the Vampire!) Oh, but he still has cancer, so rather than contributing to the drug epidemic, he decides to commit suicide instead. Oh, but to make sure that his life insurance pays off, and also to send the message that crystal methamphetamine is a dangerous drug and a bad idea, he decides to overdose himself on crystal meth so it will look like an accidental death. But, because he's never done it before, he doesn't take enough, and he just ends up going crazy and killing and cannibalizing his wife and his chemistry class at school (!!) and getting shot by the cops, finally sending a positive message to keep kids off drugs after making it look cool for so long on their TV show.

So come on, Gilligan: do the right thing and end this series with a bang and a morality lesson! And, just for extra fun for classic horror movie fans, he could die saying he meddled in things man must leave alone, etc., like in The Invisible Man, et. al.

Pizza (The Slasher Horror Movie)

I was in the kitchen with my sister, helping with dinner, and we were talking about old slasher movies we used to go see as teenagers. While this was going on, I was putting stuff away (from the dishwasher), and I saw a pizza cutter. Well, seeing that, I joked that there could be a slasher movie called "Pizza", and the killer could pose as a pizza delivery guy and kill people with a round-bladed pizza cutter sharpened to razor sharpness (!). And he could also poke out people's eyes with those little three-pronged plastic things that keep the lid of the cardboard pizza box from sticking to the middle of the pizza cheese during delivery. (He could show up at a pizza chain restaurant, posing as a new delivery guy, and then he could kill everyone in the place, and make pizzas out of them, cooking them right there in the restaurant's pizza ovens.) And then this killer guy could make sausage out of his victims, and use their blood as sauce, and then deliver the pizzas to their neighbors or family, or even to the police, pretending it's a complimentary pizza as a promotional gimmick. Then the maniac could take pictures through the windows of them taking bites of the pizza, and send the pictures to the FBI (from "a concerned citizen"), just to throw suspicion on the ones who might be able to help catch him.

Hey, it wouldn't be any dumber than most of the slasher movies I grew up with, and far less lame than the ones I've seen lately (excepting, of course, The Cabin in the Woods, which is great! But then again, it's really not just a slasher movie per se, now is it?). And if it was done right, maybe it could scare people away from ordering pizza, and as such, it could be sponsored by some competing food delivery source. (I heard Burger King is delivering now. So, how about it, Burger King? Want to finance the movie? {Just kidding!})

Crest Whitestrips Dance Club Ad (Proposed)

I used to go out to nightclubs quite frequently when I was younger, and since I lived in New York City and San Francisco and Los Angeles, there were a lot of really fun ones. But even a lot of the fun ones would do the same stupid thing that made everyone look awful: light areas with black lights. With black lights, everyone's dandruff glowed and stood out, every piece of lint became visible, and every bit of oil in everyone's pores took on this otherworldly luminescent quality. But by far the worse thing the black light did was to make everyone's teeth glow these hideous colors of neon yellow and green. It was positively revolting! (White, however, would glow perfectly white, whenever it appeared on people's clothes. Unless it was leather, or synthetic stitching: that didn't glow so much no matter how white it was, for some reason.)

Well, this scenario has always made me think of the Crest Whitestrips, or the whitening toothpaste, for as long as I've known about it, because if your teeth really were absolutely white, in black light they would probably look amazing! But the fact is, most people's teeth aren't perfectly white, so they would glow bright highlighter-pen yellow or green (and their plaque would stand out really yuckily too). And that's why I think this dance club scenario with the black lights would be so great for an ad for a tooth-whitening product. And it would be really easy to show it, too: Simply show three or four people dancing in a dance club with black lights, and then they smile at each other (maybe laughing about the glowing lint or dandruff), and all their teeth are yucky looking, glowing yellow and chartreuse and lime green, and they notice and start to feel self conscious, so they hide their teeth behind their lips (being pretty obvious about it). But then, someone else they know comes bouncing up to them and smiles a big toothy grin that is absolutely perfectly white, and it makes everyone glow like a key light is on them, and then the announcer could say: "Stop hiding your smile! Get your teeth their absolute whitest with Crest Whitestrips!"

Klaatu Burrata Nicked-a

My niece loves this soft cheese stuff called Burrata. And every time I hear that name: "Burrata", it makes me think of that famous line from the classic sci-fi movie The Day the Earth Stood Still (and from the great horror/comedy Army of Darkness): "Klaatu Barata Nikto". And that makes me think it might be fun to have a brand of Burrata called: "Klaatu Burrata", and for the ad, there could be some kid who gets given a plate of Burrata by his mother, and then Klaatu and Gort (the alien and the gaint robot from The Day the Earth Stood Still) could walk up, and Klaatu could take the Burrata, Gort could use his eye ray to disintegrate the plate, and then the kid could say: "Hey! Klaatu Burrata nicked-a!" (It might sound silly, but I'll bet people would remember Burrata after that, especially if it was Klaatu Burrata!)

This is Klaatu and Gort:

Wednesday, September 26, 2012


When the Citizens United case was decided, I remember Democrats lamenting that they could never keep up with Republicans in terms of fundraising, and that it was the end of democracy, yadda, yadda. Well, it's a funny thing, because I think they're doing just fine in keeping up with Republicans anyway. But, if they find themselves falling behind in the money department in the future, I have an idea that's bound to pocket them oodles upon oodles of cash! How? Well...

If the Democrats end up needing more campaign cash, here's a good idea for a fundraiser: have some senior Democrats, like Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Joe Biden, etc., dress up in blue Adidas track suits, put on thick gold chains with donkey pendants, and tour the country as a RUN DMC tribute act called: "RUN DNC", but rap all about political issues, and how the Democratic Party will help Americans. Seriously, if these old white politicians would dress up like this and try to perform rap songs, I guarantee you that it would sell out every show with young people hungry to ridicule them. It would be a regular laugh riot. And if they find they need money, this can't miss.

Look: Someone even made a poster for RUN DNC (But what I'm suggesting is very different from this!):

Macho Stomacho

For years I have seen ads on late night TV for abdominal exercise thingies, but I've never seen one called: "Macho Stomacho". If one was called that, then the ads could say using it will give you a macho stomacho. And isn't that what we all want, really?

Or, maybe Macho Stomacho should be the brand name of some new rot-gut liquor that's so harsh, if you can stomach a shot of it, you can claim to have a "macho stomacho". That might be a good drink for college fraternity guys to challenge each other with. And bars could have Macho Stomacho contests to see who could stomach the most of it the fastest without throwing up. And then, if you can take aspirin on an empty stomach for the inevitable hangover headache you know you're going to have the next day, you can claim to have an "extra macho stomacho"!

JFK Moon Quote Alteration

The Colbert Report showed that famous clip of President John F. Kennedy saying the stuff about the moon project ("We choose to go to the moon {etc.}...not because they are easy, but because they are hard!"), and it reminded me of one quote I've always wanted to hear JFK say, which is this: "I choose to sleep with women aside from my wife, not because they are easy, but because I am hard!" That would have been even better than Bill Clinton saying: "It depends upon what the meaning of the word 'is' is."! (BTW: Remember when President Clinton said, of smoking marijuana: "I didn't inhale."? Well, if he had said, when backed into a corner about Monica Lewinsky: "I had sex with her, but I didn't come.", he would have had everybody laughing, and maybe he could have brushed it all off and avoided the whole impeachment thing. And the media always called that situation: "Zippergate"; but I always thought it should have been called: "Fornigate" {like "fornicate"}.)

(BTW: In Sept, 2014, John Oliver used this same joke about: "…not because they are easy, but because (he) is hard" on his HBO show, but in reference to the space geckos Russia lost. I think he should have said it was the origin of the Gorn from Star Trek too.)

Craft Service Wars

Yes, we all know by now that the hot new trend in reality TV shows is to have stuff related to making movies and television shows! There's Face Off for makeup contests, Hot Set for set design contests, and  Monster Man for practical special effects. And we've already had Project Greenlight, covering writing, producing, and directing. Plus, there are tons of shows like America's Next Top Model, The Voice, etc., for talent shows, so what's left? Well, unless they're going to start casting shows with reality TV contest shows (which would make the casting union pretty mad), there's not much left to do, unless they're going to do America's next top lighting technician, First AD Combat, etc. But there's one way to combine the fascination of moviemaking with the excitement of cooking contest shows like Hell's Kitchen, and that's with Craft Service Wars!

Yes, it's Craft Service Wars! (For those who don't know, Craft Service provides food and drink for film crews.) So there could be two craft service groups battling it out on some movie set, competing to not get fired (!). So they could try to tamper with and contaminate each others' food, call the health department on each other, slap food out of actors' hands and replace it with their food, shake up each others' sodas so they'll explode when opened, etc. And they could get into physical altercations and shouting matches during shooting, so much so that the director has to find a way to incorporate it into the movie somehow so they can keep at least a little bit of the footage they shoot. And wouldn't it be exciting? And then, at the end, they could show the movie they were making, and nobody will want to see it, just like with Project Greenlight.

(And if this show does well, perhaps someone can make a show called Graphic Violence, about graphic designers battling it out on logos and signage for some fictitious movie.)

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Hankook Tires (Joke) Ad

Ah, yes: It's Hankook Tires! And what does that name make me think of? Why, it's Mr. Han, from Enter the Dragon! He was a real kook! (Plus, the Hankook Tires logo looks like one of those pronged hooks Mr. Han wears as a hand.) So for fun, and to get everyone to easily remember their name, I would make an ad from edited footage from Enter the Dragon, with Mr. Han fighting everybody and kicking ass. And what would be even more fun would be to show Jim Kelly saying: "Bullsh!t, Mr. Han man!", and overdub the phrase: "Cool tires, Mr. Han kook!" And then the announcer could say: "Hankook Tires: They really kick ass!" And then they could show footage from Enter the Dragon of Mr. Han beating different characters up, and then slicing into Bruce Lee with those hand blades. (And, just for extra fun, some Mr. Han stand-in could take the blades off his arm, and put on a spinning car wheel with a Hankook tire on it, and he could fight by burning rubber on someone's face!) And then, get a guy who looks like Mr. Han to get into some super sports car and drive away squealing rubber. (Now seriously, would you ever forget the name "Hankook" after seeing this ad?)

Here's the Jim Kelly quote:

And here's some Mr. Han action:

Obama Issues Ultimatum to NFL Replacement Refs

When criticized about not meeting with any world leaders this week, President Obama shot back at critics that American problems take precedent over those of the world, and that there is no greater threat to this nation than the replacement referees in the NFL making a mockery of our most popular sport. The president said: "We need to send a message to those who would throw our country into disarray! I have spoken to the Pentagon, and we all agree: any more blown calls, and the military will take out the offending refs with a drone strike. Only in this way can we insure justice is done."

This Apple Walks into a Bar... (Joke Ad)

Trader Joe's has the best name for their fruit bars! They're called stuff like "This Apple Walks into a Bar", "This Strawberry Walks into a Bar", etc., depending on what kind of fruit it is. I love the name, but they don't finish the joke. Maybe they could make an ad for them (let's say the apple kind, just for the sake of argument), where they finish the joke, saying: "This apple walks into a bar... And then it gets flayed alive, eviscerated, hacked to pieces, scalded in an oven, baked into a pastry, smothered in plastic wrap, and then bitten, masticated, swallowed, and burned in a dark pit of stomach acid! Oh, my God! The joke's on it!" And their ad mascot could be a maniacal apple (or whatever kind of fruit is in the bar) dressed up like Leatherface (from The Texas Chain Saw Massacre), wearing a mask made of another apple's skin, held on by rubber bands.

Obama Chia Head

I just saw an ad for the Chia "Freedom of Choice" heads: one is of President Obama, and the other is of Mitt Romney. But is this a good idea? I can actually see some liberals I know buying and proudly displaying the Obama Chia head, but I doubt any conservatives are going to buy the Mitt Romney head. I'm not even sure how much conservatives even like Mitt Romney. Oh, but there's one thing I do know about conservatives, and it's that they hate President Obama.

So, how can Chia cash in on this? Well, it's simple, really. Think about the Chia head: what does it do? Why, it grows that green hair out of the Chia head. And who do we know that has green hair? Why, it's the Joker, isn't it? And isn't there a famous/infamous picture of President Obama as the Joker? Why, of course there is! So then for Chia to rake the money in, they should only make the Obama Chia head, but make one of them regular (for Democrats), and paint the other one to look like that picture of Obama as the Joker (for Republicans). Then I'll bet they'd sell lots of them!

Here is that picture of President Obama as the Joker (can you imagine this as a Chia head?):

Monday, September 24, 2012

Political Party Donations

I don't donate to either major political party, because I'm an independent (not a registered Independent, but just not affiliated with any party) voter, but I know someone very well who has donated to the Democratic Party. He's been a lifelong liberal and Democrat, and he's given money on occasion, when he felt the candidate deserved it. The last time he gave money, it was for President Obama's election in 2008. (I was a supporter of Obama's as well in 2008, but I didn't donate to the party, because, you know, Barack Obama had promised McCain to use public financing, so he didn't need our money; and when he broke that promise, I realized he didn't deserve our money, either.)

And what did he get for his money? Well, from what I can tell (and from his complaints), every penny of what he's donated has been spent on junk mail from the Democratic Party to solicit him for more money. He gets letters from President Obama, Michelle Obama, Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi, and every congressional candidate and wannabe, including some guy named Joe Kennedy (you know, like JFK's bootlegger father who wanted to be president himself), all of them asking for more money in donations. Plus, he gets gobs of email spam and toll-free telemarketer calls (so many, in fact, that his wife never wants to even answer the phone anymore). So it seems to him (and to me) as though his own money has financed all of this harassment that he now hates. He still believes in the Democratic Party, but I think he'd rather he never gave them any money, nor ever got put on their "sucker list".

Now, I don't know any Republicans (I do, after all, live in Los Angeles, and I'm from New York City, so there you are...), but I'm sure they do the same crap. I even get spam emails from Reince Prebus and Mitt and Ann Romney, and I'm not even a Republican either (and even if I were so inclined, these unwelcome solicitations would drive me away anyhow)! So please don't think I'm trying to besmirch only Democrats. (I'm trying to besmirch them all, actually, and they deserve it!) But if there's one message I'd like to make clear to anyone who is so inclined to read this far, it's this: Don't give any money to political candidates or parties unless you really like junk mail, email spam, and telephone harassment! And if you give, when it happens, realize that you asked for it by giving them money in the first place, and once you're on their list, they'll never leave you alone as long as you live! (No joke.)

So seriously: spare yourself by not sparing them any of your money! No matter what political party it is, they don't deserve it, and they'll only spend your money to finance harassing you to beg for more money forever after. Don't believe me? Then just donate $10 and give them your email. And don't say I didn't warn you!

Woody Allen's Next Movie?

DirecTV just got a new channel this month called CineMoi, and on this channel, I saw Woody Allen talking about making movies in cities other than New York. And then it dawned on me that he'd been making movies in European cities for a while now, but somehow it didn't sink in that he's really sort of touring around Europe and making movies in their great cities, essentially making love letters to these cities, like he used to do in New York. Well, seeing as how he's doing that, I've got an idea for his next European city-based movie:

It's called Rootin' Tootin' Putin's Moscow, and it could be about a former Soviet bureaucrat-turned-president (again) who finds that his attempts to become the respected elder statesman now that he's reached the age of 60 are constantly stymied by his psychological need to appear macho. So while trying to appear to be the rational guy using logic and judgment to implement policies to represent all the people, he's constantly caught wrestling bears, or catching sharks with his teeth in private aquariums, etc., and getting all the young liberals mad at him, while at the same time making the older people think he's losing his marbles. And the more he does this stuff, the more people see his encroaching man-boobs and elderly flab, and the less macho he appears, while at the same time seeming so much worse in the judgment category.

Oh, but then he meets a young woman that makes him feel young again, and to impress her, he becomes the iron tyrant he's always wanted to be! But then it turns out that it's just one of those Pussy Riot girls in the balaclavas, and she's been making him oppress the people so they'll rise up against him, which they do, but... Yes, I'm afraid that it's too late, for everyone has underestimated him (!). You see, all this bear-wrestling and such has made him into such a badass over the years that he singlehandedly defeats the entire populace from rising up against his government, but ironically, he couldn't have done it without being betrayed by a young lover, which has granted him super-strength in his revenge.

And who better to make such a movie than Woody Allen? There could even be scenes about his ex-wife accusing him of stuff he's never done out of spite for throwing her over for a younger woman, and he throws her into the gulag (a bit of Freudian wish-fulfillment for our director). And the whole point of the movie is to prove that older men are better at everything and more virile, so maybe young women will be tricked into thinking it's true. Except that it doesn't seem to matter anyway, so long as the older man is rich and successful. But this film would buck that trend, showing a younger woman just using the older guy, and getting the consequences for doing so (whereas in real life, the young woman just gets a good divorce lawyer and takes the house and most of the old guy's stuff, rather than getting sent to the gulag).


Someone I know is on a diet that requires the intake of lots and lots of supplement pills daily. One of the supplements is called "Garlique", and it purports to "support cardiovascular health". And it's made from garlic. (How does it support cardiovascular health: by repelling vampires? If they drank all your blood, it might not be good for your cardiovascular health. And seriously, this might validate the claim in court, if the judge was a fan of vampire movies.)

But if it's made from garlic, the first thing that makes me think of is garlic breath. So maybe this company could formulate another garlic supplement pill for people with another need: to be left alone. This supplement could be called: "Garl-EEK", and when you take it, it could give you such disgustingly malodorous garlic breath, nobody would be able to come near you. And so that way, if you were being harassed by collections agencies, process servers, etc. (or even if you're Justin Bieber trying to escape the crush of fans after a concert), you could just take one pill, and it would repel people (nay, make them run screaming away en masse!) for a full 24 hours! And wouldn't that be useful for anyone who's trying to avoid someone? It can't miss in today's economy and muckraking journalism environment! (And finally, a product for the hoity-toity and the hoi polloi!)

BTW: My father used to say of food dishes made with garlic and onions (and I would say peanut butter!): "Either everyone has to have some, or no-one can have any." (Meaning that anyone's breath will stink if they eat it, but it will only bother those who don't eat it {and consequently do not have the stinky breath too}; so everyone must have some, or else everyone who doesn't have some will be miserable with the smell of the breath of everyone who does have some.)

Smell Phone

I was out at a restaurant with family last night, and when I went to the restroom, I couldn't help but notice that there was a guy in one of the stalls taking a crap while he was talking on his cell phone (!). It was ridiculous! Seriously, he was talking about some business deal while he was farting extremely loudly, and other people were flushing the urinals, etc. How tacky, thought I! This whole cell-phone-adhered-to-one's-ear thing has totally jumped the shark when people are talking business on the phone in the bathroom, especially a public toilet while going to the bathroom! What if the person on the other end of the phone gets insulted and asks: "Are you in the bathroom?" Then maybe the person in the bathroom could say: "Oh, no: sorry. I'm going through a library of sound effects on my computer and I'm going through the toilet and bathroom noises. Isn't it funny?"

Oh, but they couldn't get away with that one if only those tech wizards would update the abilities on the newer models of cell phones! Yes, we've already got text, voice/sound, video/visual, and touch (they can be set to 'vibrate'), so the only thing left is... You guessed it: smell! So the next generation of cell phones must include a scent function that transmits aromas through the phone. They could call them "Smell Phones" (like "cell phones"), and they could have all kinds of practical uses! If someone is in the bathroom, you could smell their feces, and hang up on them. If someone calls home to say they're doing something innocent, when they're really out drinking at a bar, you could smell the alcohol on their breath. And if someone has been cheating on their spouse, you could smell the perfume, etc., on them. Also, if this technology could be put on the Internet, people could call their friends in the morning and record their face, bed-head and morning breath, and then put it up on Facebook to embarrass them.

Think of the fun it would be! Call Apple and Samsung if you like the idea, and demand they make a "Smell Phone"! (Then they could sue each other over it for years to come!)

Sunday, September 23, 2012


I heard about Coursera on NPR. It's a way to take online courses free of charge from some of the best colleges and universities in America. They were saying it might cheapen the college brands, or make people less likely to want to go to the college, but I really feel I must point out that this is nothing like going to actual college at all. Unless there's a subjective camera, and it keeps looking at other stuff around the room (like girls, or doodles in its notebook), or unless someone sitting next to the camera is constantly telling jokes, making fun of the professor, etc., then it's really nothing like actually going to college.

But you know, if they did that, where the person could take the class for free online, but they couldn't hear half the lecture, or the camera was constantly distracted, maybe it would whet people's appetite for more, and everyone would go to the real college to see the whole lecture (and then find out that real life is just like the online course, where you miss a lot due to talking, distractions, daydreaming, etc.).

But if they want to make it really feel like college, they have to have some characters show up on screen after the online course, and peer-pressure the online student into drinking beer bongs until they throw up. Then it could make the webcam take secret photos of the online student yawning, picking their nose, etc., and put it on Facebook. Then it might start to feel like real college!

Oh, and you know what else might help? If online colleges had virtual sports teams! So people who go to online schools could crowd around their screens on weekends and watch their make-believe, virtual football team play some video game football game. And maybe it could even be a multi-player online video game of whatever sport it is, so that online students could become virtual jocks and sports heroes, and get a varsity letter to put on their online avatar.

Maybelline Illegal Length Mascara

Maybelline has a product called: "Illegal Length" Mascara. So I guess it's a crime to use it or something?

Shame on you, Maybelline! Aren't the prisons crowded enough already with non-violent offenders without you guys entrapping women into breaking the law with your contraband mascara? Or does Maybelline own a large stake in the privatization of America's prisons, and by getting women to wear illegal length mascara, they will ensure they'll make even more money when the police bust them for using it? (Aren't the police busy enough already as it is? Or will there be a new squad of makeup police to enforce the illegality of this new mascara? {More taxpayer dollars down the drain!}) And that way, they keep the money rolling in no matter what? Plus, this stuff is probably only illegal because it's addictive, which means that visitors will sneak it into the prisons hidden up their butts and everyone in jail will continue to use it, like drugs, and Maybelline will cash in on their consumers on both ends! (The makeup end, and the prison end, that is.)

Oh, but who's really to blame here? Congress makes the laws of this land, don't they? So then shame on you, Congress! You can't make abortion illegal, so you pass a law to punish women by making their mascara illegal! And you know that your approval rating is so low, you can pass any silly law you want and nobody will notice! Well, I never! Unless...

Hey, you don't suppose Maybelline lobbied Congress for this law, just so that they could try to peer-pressure women into disrespecting the law, now do you? Why, then Maybelline will create an entire lawless subculture of outlaw makeup-wearers! They'll be like the drug cartels, only with different white powder and black goopy stuff. Oh, and red lipstick instead of blood. It will be a wasteland of lawlessness, and everyone will suffer, until the president declares a "War on Makeup", and then Maybelline will cash in even more with all the prisons they own, and by selling their makeup at hyper-inflated black-market prices! And women who wear this illegal length mascara will have to wear masks and balaclavas to hide their identities so they won't be arrested! They'll only be recognized with those ridiculously long lashes sticking out through their masks! (Mascara sticking out of mascaras!)

Oh, Maybelline: why couldn't you encourage people to live on the right side of the law? (Oh, Maybelline, why can't you be true?) But I guess it's really our own fault for always desiring that which is forbidden. (But they're still exploiting us for it!)

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Government Mind Reading

I myself have personally met a surprisingly large number of people in the general public who think the government is attempting mind control, and at the very least reading their thoughts. These people are generally referred to as the “tin foil hat crowd”, due to the purported belief by some that wearing aluminum foil upon one’s noggin prevents transmission of information to and from the head by the government malefactors attempting to control our minds. (And I can tell you, it doesn’t work. They read your thoughts anyway. I know it’s cheating, but they do it anyway. More big government oppression.)

But what I’d like to know is this: If the government is reading our minds, where are the reviews? Shouldn’t there be some mind review section in the newspaper, like the book review section of the New York Times? Then conspiracy theorists and alien abductees and such could find out if their experiences and thoughts are compelling, or just trite and hackneyed. Then, if they wanted to, shall we say, improve their minds (or maybe become capable of imagining more layered, complex conspiracies and paranoia and stuff), they could take some classes on how to think more interestingly or coherently, and then they could go read the next review to find out if their minds are improving. (Naturally, some people would try to think intentionally fragmented and nonsensical thoughts, just to confuse the government, or else to see if anyone shows up to take them away, confirming their suspicions of their mind being read.)

Ah, I can just see the reviews of my thoughts now: “An incoherent mess without focus or clarity”, “A trite example of common smartassity suffused with elements of gauche kitsch”, “It would take a whole bottle of OxyClean to clean up this mess!”, “Dickens it ain’t!”, “Two thumb screws down!”, etc.

(BTW: What made me think of this is the fact that for the past few days, an unmarked white van has been parked directly outside of my apartment window, and I’ve always heard these tin foil hat-types say that whenever you see an unmarked white van, it’s the government doing surveillance on you. Wow, with everyone knowing about it, I’d think they’d use different colored vans; but hey, it’s the government, right? Maybe there are strict regulations about this sort of thing, and if they use a different kind of van, the evidence they get on you is inadmissible in court; or maybe they get a special deal on unmarked white vans if they buy them in bulk, so long as they promise not to paint them or anything. Who knows?)

Friday, September 21, 2012

Nissan Altima Break Up Ad

Here we have a scenario where some guy brings a bunch of gas station swag (hat, coffee mug, sippy cup) back to some gas station attendant, and he acts like he's breaking up with this gas station. And then it just ends up being a big scam, because this car still runs on gas, so they're just lying. Unless maybe he's going to hook up with another gas station attendant down the street? Whatever.

Look, if this was an ad for the Nissan Leaf, then fine: great ad! But as an ad for another gas burning car: fail. This is just a way to try to trick us into thinking we won't need gas anymore if we buy this car, and we still will need gas. And at the current gas prices, we'll be spending more on gas with this 2013 Altima than we would have on the 2010 Altima with worse gas milage. Seriously: give me a break! It's a good idea for an electric car ad; but I hate deceptive advertising, and that's what this is, plain and simple, because this is not an ad for an electric car. Yuck!

This ad is similar to some guy breaking up with Wendy's because he's just going to eat double cheeseburgers from McDonald's from now on, and not triple cheeseburgers (or Baconators), but acting like he's going vegan: it's just a ruse, and a blatant, transparent one at that.

Here's the mendacious motor vehicle marketing maneuver:

Space Shuttle Flyover

I live in Los Angeles, and today, everyone's going crazy over the flyover of the Space Shuttle Endeavor. Every single spot in the whole city that offers any kind of view whatsoever is jam packed with cars and people buzzing about. I know, because I had a doctor's appointment today, and traffic is insane! It's like Britney Spears decided to go hang gliding or something. (For those of you who missed it, it kind of looks like when a smaller dog is trying to hump a larger dog, like a Corgi on a Collie, only, you know, with a space shuttle on an airplane. And I guess more magisterial and stuff.)

And when I was in the car, I was listening to NPR (as usual), and they talked about the flyover and said they would "bring it to you live when it happens" (!?). So I was wondering how they would "bring it to us live" on the radio. Would they say: "Well, there it goes. It's flying over: the space shuttle on a plane."? Or might they say: "Wow, would ya look at that? Amazing! You can't see it, but it's really cool!"? Well, when the time came, what they did say was almost as silly. First they just listed off where it had flown over, and then they said it flew over downtown Los Angeles, and then they said: "I know this term is really overused, but it looks really awesome!" Wow, it was almost like I was there, listening to that! (I think now that we're all so used to seeing stuff on TV and the Internet, people have kind of forgotten how to make something sound awesome without just saying: "It's awesome."

Back in the old radio days, with all those murder mystery shows and whatnot, they really used to know how to use prose and accentuation to paint a mental picture. I guess it's a lost art. "Who knows what banality lurks in the descriptions of men? The Shadow knows!" (Like I'm one to talk. Only I generally do it on purpose to be silly. {That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!})

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Dermatologists Hate Her! (Internet Ad)

Boy, I find these ads annoying. I guess we’re supposed to become intrigued and click on them, but they’re just kind of irritating. Well, at least this one doesn’t flash and dance around so you can’t concentrate on what you’re trying to read.

Okay, so this ad shows what looks like an orange clay rough sculpture of a head, and the headline says: “Dermatologists Hate Her!” And the first thing I think of is: “Well, of course they do: She doesn’t have any skin, so she doesn’t need them or their services.” And what’s even funnier is that directly above this little adlet (it’s one of 3), there is a picture of what looks like a cartoon drawing of some muscle-head man who has been flayed alive to show all of his muscles and tendons and stuff, and I think to myself: “Shouldn’t they hate this guy too? He doesn’t have any skin either!”

(Once again, I’m sorry to say I don’t know how to direct you to see this ad, but look at some Yahoo! News links, and you’ll be sure to find it {whether you like it or not!}.)

Progressive Glenn Beck (Joke) Ad

Most people who know who Glenn Beck is know he’s not fond of progressives. Well, wouldn’t it be fun to have an ad for Progressive insurance where Glenn Beck shows up in that white Progressive “office” space, and Flo (the Progressive agent/mascot) shows him all the great features they offer from Progressive, and Glenn Beck could say: “Wow, I guess not everything called “Progressive” is necessarily bad!”

Or wouldn’t using Glenn Beck in a national brand commercial be a good idea to attract diversified customers?

Republican Anti-Obamacare (Joke) Ads Based on Classic Horror Movies

Frankenstein (1931)

Using clips from the 1931 movie Frankenstein, the announcer acts like President Obama is Dr. Frankenstein, and the monster he creates is Obamacare. So Dr. Frankenstein shouts: “It’s alive, alive! (etc.)”, and the others stand around looking horrified. Then we get to the scene where Dr. Waldman is about to dissect the monster, but it wakes up and strangles the doctor to death, and the announcer could say something about how government mandates and red tape are strangling doctors and healthcare standards, yadda yadda. And at the end, we could hear Dr. Waldman’s voice say: “You have created a monster, and it will destroy you! Nothing but evil can come of it!”, or: “Shoot it: it’s a monster!”

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (1931)

The announcer talks about how healthcare used to be good in the old days, but then government got involved, and it got worse, and then Obamacare was passed, and it turned our healthcare system into a monster. While the announcer is talking, we see the scene from the 1931 film Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde where Dr. Jekyll is curing some young girl, and then we see the scene where he drinks the formula and transforms in to the monstrous and grotesque Mr. Hyde, and he starts rampaging around, killing people. Then the announcer could say that we must stop Obamacare before it’s too late, and then we would see the end of the movie, where Mr. Hyde is shot by the police and dies, saying he shouldn’t have meddled in what man was meant to leave alone, etc.

Now, these are both ridiculous (and meant in fun), but they would accurately represent the way Republicans feel about Obamacare, I’ll bet. And they would definitely send that message in a very colorful (albeit in B&W) way that most people would instantly recognize. And, they’d have all the hysteria and histrionics as in most political ads, so they’d fit right in with the lot of the them.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Russian Asteroid Crater Full of Diamonds

Good news for Russia: they claim an asteroid crater has $1 Quadrillion of diamonds in it. Unfortunately for them, the crater may be theirs, but the diamond asteroid was mine, and they broke it, so they will have to pay for it. That will be $1 Quadrillion, please. (No checks!)

In a side note, now that Russia has $1 Quadrillion-worth of new diamonds, surely diamonds will plummet in value to where they’re worth about the same as zircons, right? They’re only valuable because they’re rare, you know. Well, guess what? They’re not really all that rare anymore, all of a sudden.

Here’s the shimmering story:

French Magazine Publishes Inflammatory Cartoons

Jealous over the fact that American flags seem to get all the attention from fanatics worldwide, France has opened a bid to get their flag burned with the publishing of inflammatory cartoons that purportedly deride the prophet of Islam. The publisher of the magazine was quoted as saying:

“Pourquoi est-ce que seulement le drapeau américain brûlé ? La nôtre est les mêmes couleurs ! C'est encore plus facile à faire, avec seulement trois bandes, comme la crème glacée. Nous voulons que cette indignation à la fin ! Brûler des drapeaux français trop, ou sinon c'est la discrimination !”

(Why is only the American flag burned? Ours is the same colors! It's even easier to make, with just three stripes, like the ice cream. We want this outrage to end! Burn French flags too, or else it's discrimination!)

Hopefully soon they will see the glorious light from their nation’s flag proudly displayed burning across the world side-by-side with that of the country they helped win her independence from the British: The United States of America; for we truly burn together, as a shining beacon of free expression the world over!

Here’s the smoldering story:

KFC Chicken Littles (Joke) Ad

It seems like the ad for KFC’s “Chicken Littles” sandwiches is taking a page from the ads for the Smart Car, with someone at some business saying: “Everyone think little!” (Like the “Think Small” campaign for VW in the 1960s.) But with the sandwich called a “Chicken Little”, doesn’t that suggest something, um, perhaps more specific?

We all know Chicken Little is a character known for saying: “The sky is falling!” So I’d suggest this: Show the sandwich (with the chicken part being Chicken Little, hiding inside the bun) inside someone’s mouth, and Chicken Little says: “The sky is falling!” Then, the bun could say: “No, that’s just the roof of someone’s mouth.” Then they both look up at the teeth coming down, and they both scream: “Aaaaaaa!” (And then they get chewed up and swallowed.)

Or would that be the PeTA version, showing the tortured suffering of the masticated chicken?

Here’s the little ad:

Hey China: Didn’t You See “Pulp Fiction”?

Yes, I’m afraid some Chinese demonstrators mad at Japan damaged the US Ambassador’s car whilst rampaging around Beijing. (Is it “Blame America Week” or something?)

Hey, Chinese demonstrators: Have you or have you not seen Pulp Fiction? I guess not, otherwise you would know: “You don’t f*ck with another man’s vehicle.” (John Travolta said so! And you don’t want to go messing with John Travolta!)

President Obama promised to send John Travolta and Samuel L. Jackson over to Beijing to “teach them a lesson about how to respect a man’s automobile.”

Here’s the part of Pulp Fiction about not messing with another man’s vehicle (I’m paraphrasing):

And here’s the news story:

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Taken 2 School

Liam Neeson has a new movie coming out called Taken 2, the sequel to the earlier movie Taken, about his daughter being kidnapped by terrorists or something. Now it looks like his daughter and his wife are being kidnapped, so it’s more of the same, only I guess with like twice the excitement or something? This is a shame, because this movie could have been more of the same with a different twist: Taken 2 School! So here’s how this exciting story would play out:

Liam Neeson and his family have moved to a new city for his new assignment, and when his daughter’s first day of school starts, he can’t be there to drive her to school, so he calls some ex-special forces buddies of his to go pick her up and drive her to school. So Neeson tries to call his daughter and tell her about the guys who are coming to take her to school, but naturally she’s on her cell phone talking about shoes or whatever, so he can’t get through. So then the ex-special forces guys show up to take the daughter to school, but she thinks she’s being kidnapped again, so she fights and tries to flee, and they have to spend the rest of the movie tracking her down, abducting her, and taking her to school.

So in the last bit of the movie, the guys finally catch her, they throw a black sack over her head (because she’s screaming for help and they don’t want to get caught), and they drive her to her new school, whereupon they remove the sack from her head and say: “Here you are at school! Your dad asked us to take you today, because he’s busy fighting terrorists or something, but I guess he didn’t get a chance to tell you. Sorry about that.” And then she says thanks, but complains that they ruined her hairstyle with the sack over the head, and they promise to take her to the hair salon when they pick her up after school (but she has other ideas, leading to the exciting sequel: Taken 3: Hair Force, where they have to track her down after school and take her to get her hair done).

Then, if these were successful, the makers of this movie series could make Taken 4 Lunch, where some jerk from school wants to take Laim Neeson’s daughter out on a lunch date, but she doesn’t want to go, and the guy’s father is also some CIA-type guy, so the girl and the boy use the special spy/assassin training they’ve learned from their fathers to try to escape from/catch up with each other, culminating in the excitement of the fathers getting involved, and them all making friends through the experience and all going out to lunch together. (They could say it will “leave you hungry for more”!)

Monday, September 17, 2012

NFL Replacement Referees

Anyone watching football lately will surely notice the crappy refereeing. This was no surprise to me, but what did surprise me was that these weren’t the same lame referees from last season. I didn’t think it could be worse than that, but apparently it is (yes, even I see that it is), so I have a suggestion:

How about not having any referees anymore? Surely no calls would be better than the wrong calls, right? Plus, then the players could be as rough as they wanted to be! Now wouldn’t that attract more viewership? Then the NFL would make even more money than ever before plus save money on referees! Surely it’s a win/win for the NFL. No rules football: who wouldn’t watch that?

Then, if players groups made claims about injuries, maybe the NFL could just hire the same people who said cigarettes didn’t cause cancer, and they could keep denying responsibility for years to come! Maybe they wouldn’t even have to pay these tobacco guys, but just give them swag and invite them to parties and the Super Bowl and stuff. And then, by the time studies prove anything about head injuries, etc., all the guys in charge now will be long gone, and it will be too late for anything to affect them. That’s what the tobacco industry did.

Of course then the players might just decide to be nice to each other, and then they’d have to hire referees back just to make them be mean and brutal again. Or else maybe they could start NFL Touch Football! Then the league could save money on all those pads and helmets, and we could see all those handsome faces and stylish haircuts, and advertisers could have their endorsers recognized! In fact, maybe this whole kerfuffle is just so the league can have an excuse to get rid of helmets so they can make more money on advertising. Then we could see ad slogans tattooed on players’ foreheads! (You know you’d love it!)

NHL Lockout

Say it ain’t so, yo! The NHL has locked out the players over a contract dispute! This is worse than children going without education, only, you know, not really. But once again, I am here to save the day for you hockey fans out there! How’s that? Well…

Okay, first I was going to suggest that the NHL players just go play field hockey in city parks for fun, just to show the NHL owners they can’t stop them from playing, but I have an even better idea! Yes, that’s right, I’m suggesting that the NHL players create a fake Ice Capades show in each city, and just go to the rink dressed up like figure skaters! Surely nobody would suspect anything if they showed up dressed like Mao Asada and Daisuke Takahashi, in those glittery spandex outfits with sequins all over the place and satin flying everywhere, right? And once they got past the door, they could break out the puck and sticks and have a game! You know it would work! (It would be too late to stop them then! Plus, how would it look if they wrestled men dressed up like that to the ground? It might even be a hate crime!)

Of course, if they don’t really want to play hockey, then they shouldn’t try it. If it’s really just about money, then they won’t bother. But if they love the sport, then they’ll don the spandex, like every other hockey fan would! Or something. Of course, if they don’t really care about hockey…

Princess Catherine Has Boobs?

Yes, apparently some French paparazzi have discovered and exploited the fact that the Duchess of Cambridge has breasts like everyone else. And from what I’ve read, the Royal family is threatening legal action for the publication of said photos. That’s fine, if they want to publicize things further, but I would suggest a different approach, if I were them.

If I were the Queen, I would say something like this about this situation: “Well, we’ve tried to keep it a secret for as long as possible, but from what we understand, the truth has leaked out, and we must now admit that Her Royal Highness the Duchess of Cambridge has boobs like everyone else. We were hoping you wouldn’t find out, but now you know. And if you’ve never seen them before, here’s what they look like. Now grow up!” Then she could flash everyone, and after that, nobody would care about Royal breasts anymore. (Or would they?) (BTW: This is not intended as an insult to the Queen: I like her. But if I were her, I would have lost my patience with these muckrakers by now, and I would probably really do that. In fact, maybe if they all walked around naked all the time, everyone would get bored with it, and the paparazzi would leave them alone from then on.)

It might be news to some of you out there, but even the most aristocratic, highest-titled personages have the same anatomy as everyone else. But just to have fun with the paparazzi, if I were one of the Royal Family, I would wear some silly prosthetic makeup over my private parts and then intentionally go sunbathe in public. They could have maybe three buttocks, breasts with no nipples, fake alien genitalia, etc. Then the joke would be on the photographers. Or what might be even better would be for them to wear facial makeup to make them look like other famous people, so that when they get photographed nude, everyone would think it was someone else. Then, once we all got used to that ruse, whenever they got caught naked again in tabloid photos, they could legitimately say: “Hey, it might not even be us!”

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Afghanistan Insider Attack Issues

I keep reading stories about how American bases are being attacked by Afghanis wearing American uniforms. Well, I have a suggestion that could end these attacks. It sounds like a joke, but it’s not. Here’s my idea:

The American military in Afghanistan should make American uniforms in all different colors, and randomly pick which color uniform to wear each morning on a daily basis. We all know there is pink, lavender, orange, etc., camouflage cloth available, so just make everyone uniforms in every color imaginable and simply pin a swatch on the bulletin board every morning of what color to wear for each day. Then the terrorists will never be wearing the right stuff, and they will be easy to spot as enemies.

Hey, it’s just an idea. And I know it sounds silly, but I’ll bet it would work and save lives, even though all the soldiers might feel silly wearing that stuff. But hey: it’s better than being dead or wounded, right? And can you see the Taliban wearing pink camouflage uniforms? They’d rather be dead than wear that, so they will be discouraged from attacking in the future. And if they’re going to attack us, shouldn’t we make it as humiliating as possible for them to do it?

Friday, September 14, 2012

Sources: Win or Lose, Mitt Romney Will Be President

Sources in the Romney campaign say Mitt Romney plans to be president whether he wins or loses the 2012 election. Reportedly Mitt Romney has bought a private island and is building a replica White House on it, so he can be president no matter what happens. It’s even possible that the secret construction at the White House in Washington DC recently was so President Obama could claim Romney’s “White House” was not identical to the real thing, just in case Romney loses the election. “Yes, President Obama is planning to rub it in that Mitt Romney’s replica White House is not accurate. It’s our number one priority, and that’s why we didn’t see the attacks in North Africa coming. Embarrassing Mitt Romney is our most important job, bar none. We’ve even got everyone in the media working on it; except for one network, but they don’t really count, right?”, an undisclosed White House aide reportedly said.

Mitt Romney intends to make good on his promise for a new policy in the Middle East, and just in case he loses the election, he has ordered an entire army’s-worth of radio-controlled toy airplanes and helicopters, so he can fight back against extremists with at least something, even if it’s only in jest, really. Romney reportedly criticized the president, saying: “This is more than Obama would do! And, okay, he killed bin Laden, but how many bin Ladens has he killed lately? If I were president, I’d hire people to dress up as bin Laden, and I’d kill them on camera once every minute! That would show everyone we meant business! President Obama is clearly soft on actors playing terrorists dressed up as bin Laden, and that sends a message of weakness to our enemies!” Obama supporters called this statement appallingly ridiculous, but they support the president on anything and everything, so clearly we can’t trust them anyway.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Steve Martin for President?

Lately we’ve been seeing a lot of failed American government policy, but whenever anyone tries to point it out, the news people attack them, rather than focusing on the failed policy, and how to fix it. Well, this would be completely unnecessary if Steve Martin were the president! If President Steve Martin’s policies failed, he’d just come out and say: “Well EXCUUUUSSSEE ME!!!” And then he’d take no questions, and the news people could just say he’s a “wild and crazy guy”, so what do you expect? Then they’d save themselves the embarrassment of looking like (and being) nothing less than cynical propagandists, rather than journalists.

Here’s a President Steve Martin press conference:

Monday, September 10, 2012

Republican Political (Joke) Ad

Okay, so I just wrote a silly political ad for the Democrats, so in the interest of fairness, here’s a silly political ad for Republicans, using the same (bowdlerized) Ronald Reagan quote:

As we all know, the Republicans like to preach that government is not always the answer. Well, I think I know a way to communicate this idea pretty effectively. What they could do is to compile a collection of shots from movies of government agents oppressing people, government “spooks”/men-in-black chasing people, government types acting possessed by aliens, etc. These shots could come from Repo Man, The Matrix, The X Files, etc. They could also use the general who is being controlled by aliens in Earth vs. the Flying Saucers, and Peter Sellers as Dr. Strangelove, and maybe even Burt Lancaster as that renegade general in Seven Days in May. And you know there are tons of other movies with evil government scientists creating monsters and torturing people, right? So include some of them too.

So at the beginning of the ad, show Ronald Reagan saying: “Government is not the solution: government is the problem!” And then just show all these film clips of supposed government agents creating havoc and mayhem everywhere. Then they could say: “End government oppression: vote Republican.” Because after all, isn’t this a pretty good example of how the hysteria has been spreading about President Obama’s policies on the right? And never mind the implication that these government villains in the movies are from Republican administrations: they’re from the government, and that’s close enough.

Exorcist-Themed Democratic Political (Joke) Ad

In watching some of the famously bad sequel Exorcist II: The Heretic last night, I was reminded that Linda Blair’s character is named Regan, pronounced like Reagan, as in Ronald Reagan. Well, I was thinking this melding of conservative religion, horror, and Reagan’s name might make a fun joke political ad. Here’s how it might work:

Linda Blair’s Regan character is possessed in bed, as in the movie The Exorcist. Her head spins around, and it becomes the head of Ronald Reagan, who says: “Government is not the solution, government is the problem.” And then President Obama throws tax dollars at Reagan, and he acts like it burns. And then Obama says: “What do you think of my healthcare initiative?” And Reagan throws up that green pea soup goo all over President Obama. And then the announcer says: “The combination of conservative Republican politics and the religious right has created a monster! Vote Obama in 2012, and avert the Republican apocalypse!”

Exorcist: The Unspeakable

There sure is a new exorcismania gripping the horror movie world, so I thought it was time for a new chapter to The Exorcist, just to show these young people how it’s done. Sure, they’ve got lots of blood and sacrilege and Satanism and stuff, but what they’re lacking is the vile potty mouth language that was church approved for the first Exorcist movie. (Yes, it’s true: apparently there was a Catholic Church exorcism expert advising the original movie in the 1970s, and he said they had to make the potty mouth language way more explicit and sexual, you know, just to be accurate and everything.) And that’s where I think the original franchise can find its new angle, in Exorcist 4: The Unspeakable.

So here’s how this movie would play out: A teenage girl gets possessed by some demon, and a young exorcist is called out to help. He’s someone who idolizes the old Father Merrin, but studied under someone less good at exorcisms, like maybe Richard Burton (from Exorcist II: The Heretic). So this exorcist can’t exorcise the demon, who spews forth the most vile and sexually perverted language from its host’s dainty lips, so he decides to do something else instead. Yes, since he can’t get rid of the demon, he decides to make use of its abilities and set up an extra dirty telephone sex line for extreme sacrilegious perverts who love blasphemy with their naughty talk, and then use the profits to feed the poor. That way, the possessed girl gets to be useful to society, she has a well-paying job, and she gets to be appreciated for what she does, rather than driving her parents crazy.

But the demon is not so easily deceived! For once she begins her job, and the calls start pouring in looking for extra salty talk, the demon subverts the expectations of the callers, and tells them to go repent and seek guidance to heal their deviant sexuality, etc. Oh, but this is just what the priest was hoping the demon would do: make sinners repent! And realizing it has been defeated so easily by a mere mortal, the demon leaves the girl’s body, and she is free! But, having heard all the filthy talk, and realizing there is a market for such skills, she sets up her own telephone sex line, becomes fabulously wealthy, and lives happily ever after doing naughty things: for the demon has won after all, and this was always its plan! (Mwa ha ha!)  The End.

(Sorry, I saw that Exorcist II: The Heretic was on TV tonight, and it made me think of this silly idea.)

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Social Security Ammo

I’m afraid I was too busy watching the political conventions to comment on this old story, but it turns out that the Social Security Administration spent lots of money on hundreds of thousands of rounds of hollow-point bullets recently, and I think I know why. They must know that Social Security is unsustainable, and since we don’t have cool laser guns yet, they had to make due with bullets. For what, you ask? Well, for the Carousel, of course!

What’s the Carousel? It’s the way people who got too old were ritualistically killed in Logan’s Run. (They killed them at 30 in the movie, but I guess the government might allow people to get to 70. If you’re nice.) That’s right, old people: they can’t find the money they promised you (because they already spent it on other stuff), so your days are numbered! Unfortunately you won’t get to wear hockey goalie masks and get shot with laser beams. But if you want to resist, maybe you could wear hockey masks and attack everyone with a machete like Jason from Friday the 13th. And maybe it could be a new reality TV show! You know, like The Hunger Games, but with old people fighting for their lives against young people. You know it would be awesome!

Here’s the bullet-riddled story:

And here’s the Carousel, from Logan’s Run:

The Next Apple OS?

It seems to me that Apple has gone thought all the cool cats, even sinking to “Mountain Lion” after “Lion”. So I guess they’re going back down the lethality scale now, and I guess it’s only a matter of time before we get “House Cat”, or “Domestic Short Hair”, etc. But what about a new strategy: Dogs?

Yes, dogs: They could start with lame yippy lap dogs like Chihuahua, Mexican Hairless, Dachshund, etc., and then go up the size/coolness scale until they reached German Shepherd, Doberman Pinscher, Rottweiler, Irish Wolf Hound, Great Dane, etc.

And if that worked, maybe they could go through vermin next, like Mouse, Gerbil, Hamster, Rat, Rabbit, etc. Sound good? After Apple’s lawsuit craze, maybe people will find “Rat” appropriate. (Isn’t the trying to take over the world thing what made hackers target Microsoft so much? Or was it their crappy stuff? I’m never sure. But Apple might be the next target if they get to seem too bullying.)

Or how about monsters instead? They could have OS Vampire, Frankenstein Monster, Mummy, Werewolf, Ghost, Demon, Troll, Goblin, Ghoul, etc. At least then it would scare their rivals.

The Haughty and the Naughty

Paris Hilton has made one of the worst movies of all time, according to most movie reviews I’ve seen: The Hottie and the Nottie. Well, how about showing she’s serious with a movie that’s a lot more like other movies, and call it: The Haughty and the Naughty? So this is how this movie would work out:

Some guy is in love with this really snobby girl everyone else thinks is great (and she thinks she’s amazing, too), but then he meets another girl who is sexually available, and he forgets about the other girl, living out his sexual fantasies. The End.

There; now doesn’t that sound much more commercially exploitable? And Maybe Paris Hilton can replay her sex tape performance, and she wouldn’t even have to act, which might get all the reviewers off her back. (And they might even start to think about other part of her they’d like to get on instead.)

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Heavy Metal Band Hot Sauces?

Hey, we all know there are lots and lots of boutique hot sauces out there, with names that sound scary and stuff, like “Ass Reaper”, etc., right? Well, I was reminded recently of Anthrax’s first album, called Fistful of Metal, and the album cover is a painting of someone ripping someone’s mouth open with a spike- and chain-covered fist. Well, they’ve already got that picture, so why not use it for the label of some mouth-assaulting hot sauce? All they’d have to do is make it really hot, and then record an album daring everyone to try it, or else they’re “pussies”. Then all the metalheads would buy it to try to not seem wimpy, and they could all eat it while listening to the most brutal thrash metal. And Anthrax could call it “Mouth Assault Hot Sauce”, or maybe even “Fistful of Metal Hot Sauce”, and have it be like Goldschläger, with little flecks of metal in it. I’ll bet it would sell pretty well, if perhaps only as a novelty gift.

Oh, but once the other titans of metal found out about it, they’d have to get onto the brutal hot sauce bandwagon or else be thought of as less hardcore. So then we’d get Metallica’s “Burning Metal Up Your Ass Hot Sauce”, or Slayer’s “Hell Awaits You Hot Sauce”, or Megadeth’s “Nuclear Tongue Annihilation Hot Sauce”. And then they could do the four band tour, and challenge the audience to guzzle it and decide which is the most extreme, hell hath no fury like hot sauce! (Actually, maybe a band of angry women, like L-7 or Lunachicks, could make the “Hell Hath No Fury Like… Hot Sauce”.)

Oh, and naturally Pantera, being from Texas, would have to release their hot sauce, called “Vulgar Display of Power Hot Sauce”, because they also have an album where someone gets punched in the mouth. (But it wouldn’t look as brutal as Anthrax’s label.)

Here’s that Anthrax album cover (Wouldn’t this make the best renegade hot sauce label?):

Here’s Metallica’s old “Metal Up Your Ass” T-shirt design (They could just make the knife blade look red hot.):

And here’s the cover of Pantera’s Vulgar Display of Power:

Nasonex Killer Bee (Joke) Ad

We’ve heard enough from this romantic-sounding Nasonex bee (voiced by Antonio Banderas), haven’t we? How’s this nice bee going to intimidate people into buying Nasonex? I say get a killer bee, voiced by some MMA champion, and have him say: “Buy Nasonex, or I’ll sting you to death!” That’s the ticket! Then, the next time people see a bee, they might become paranoid that this is the killer bee from the commercial come to attack them, and they’ll run out and buy Nasonex. How could it fail?

And then, just to drive the point home, maybe Nasonex could sponsor network TV presentations of killer bee movies, like The Swarm, Killer Bees, or The Deadly Bees, and other stinging-insect-related horror movies, like The Wasp Woman, etc., and the sponsorship message could say: “Buy Nasonex, or this could happen to you!”

Midol The Cramps (Joke) Ad

Sadly, Lux Interior died a few years ago, ending one of the great underground bands of all time, so it wouldn’t even be possible to do this idea anymore.* (Maybe they could just use Poison Ivy with her guitar?) But we all know that Midol helps with cramps, right? (As in: it makes them go away. Or so they say, anyway.) Well, wouldn’t it have been fun to show some woman looking miserable, and have the band The Cramps playing right next to her, blaring in her ears, and acting like they enjoy tormenting her; and then someone suggests she take Midol (They could ask what’s wrong, and she could say: “It’s the cramps: they’re driving me crazy!” And then they say: “Here, take a Midol: It makes the cramps go away.”), and when she does, The Cramps disappear (or they get that hook pull them away, like off a Vaudeville stage)? Then the announcer could say: “Midol: It makes the cramps go away!”

* I seriously doubt they would have agreed to do this anyway, by the way. As silly of an idea for an ad as it is, it would probably still be considered “selling out”, so I’d guess the band would tell an ad agency: “Up yours.” (It’s hard to be an edgy band, because no matter what you do, everyone says you “sold out” at some point, unless you avoid all avenues to intentional success and die broke; or that’s how it seems, anyway.)

Friday, September 7, 2012

Territorial Tax

Apparently Joe Biden is railing against a so-called “territorial tax” system many of his own boss’s advisors support. (So sayeth Jake Tapper for ABC News!) Well, this reminds me of a better idea I have for helping American tax revenue. If you just combine the ideas of territorial tax with gunboat diplomacy (I mean, just using what those terms sound like they mean), then it all adds up to this: Why don’t we become a pirate nation, using our nuclear subs and aircraft carriers to go threaten every other nation into paying us a tribute (a “territorial tax”) not to wipe them out? (Maybe we could even get Johnny Depp to dress up like his pirate character, and he could be our next president!)

It would be like a really big protection racket, and we could all just live off the government programs and not ever have to get a job. And seeing as how there aren’t many jobs to get anyway, this would be perfect for America’s future! We’ve already got all the weapons, so why not make them work for us? (I mean, just as a deterrent against countries not paying us, that is. So they’d still be a deterrent. I mean, unless they won’t pay us our “tribute”.)

Have you ever noticed how people in the international community (like the UN) always bash America, but rarely criticize Russia or China? That’s because they know America won’t kill them for doing it. Well, if we could make them think we will, then we could collect, shall we say: “libel charges” for past criticisms, and we could make even more money! Hey, we’ve already got the way, now let’s just make it pay!

(BTW: This is just a joke.)

Here’s the territorial tax tale:

Dolan’s DNC Closing Prayer

Um, is it just me, or did it seem like Timothy Cardinal Dolan’s prayer (closing the Democratic National Convention) made veiled attacks on alternative lifestyles, gay marriage, a woman’s right to choose (a.k.a.: abortion), putting leaders on pedestals, etc? While he was making his prayer, I was thinking about how the Democrats had made another bad judgment call here, asking this guy who is clearly hostile to some of their platform to close out their convention, when they could have gotten someone else. Or did they want their constituents to come away thinking the guy’s a bigot? I’m not even sure what their intention was here, but I think it was ill-conceived, whatever it was. (Next time, how about a nice Episcopal prayer? Or maybe no prayer? {I thought most liberals weren’t crazy about religion anyway.})

And they put “God” back into their platform, for, um, God’s sake. Shouldn’t he have been less passive-aggressive? But I guess it would have been a lot worse had they not done that, huh? Maybe then he would have called them: “heathens”, “idolaters”, “baby killers”, “sodomites”, etc. You know: directly in those words, rather than just suggesting it with inferences like he did.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

FEMA Recommends Zombie Apocalypse Preparation

Alicia A. Caldwell writes today (for the Associated Press) that Homeland Security and FEMA are recommending people prepare for a “zombie apocalypse”, because it’s supposedly, according to them, the same way you’d prepare for a hurricane, a pandemic, an earthquake, or a terrorist attack, etc. Um, are they sure that’s correct?

Okay, seriously: this is funny and all, but what would you really do to prepare for a zombie apocalypse? Well, I’d arm myself to the teeth with guns and ammo, and so would you. Is that what they think we should do for a natural disaster? I doubt it. They actually come and appropriate guns before natural disasters sometimes: there is footage of old ladies getting wrestled to the ground before Katrina because they didn’t want to give up their only (and legal) self-defense. And I doubt it would be healthy for them to try to do that when people are prepared for a zombie apocalypse: it might just get ugly.

And they think it would help to have every American with an arsenal of lethal firepower, and to shoot everyone in the head, no matter the emergency? If we act like everyone who comes around is a zombie, and we shoot them in the head, and they turn out to be just nice people trying to help, can we blame the government for recommending we prepare for a zombie apocalypse? (Actually, with the right lawyer, it just might work!)

Look: this is fun and everything, but their logic is completely wrong here. I guess that’s what happens when non-horror-movie fans start using horror movies as the basis for their policies. Seriously, government guys: have you actually watched any of these zombie movies? The government is always the villain who creates the zombies, and the zombies are generally the benign (although still quite deadly) threat. (Oh, well. I’m sure they mean well. I mean, except for when they’re creating zombies for the military and stuff. And actually, now that I think about it, could it be that they’re warning us about preparing for a zombie apocalypse because they’ve already made the zombies, they can’t control them, and they’re about to break free and attack us all, but the government doesn’t want to just come out and admit it? I’ll bet that’s it! {Those fiends!})

Here’s the silly story: