Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Ritalin "The Babadook" Ad?

The recent Australian horror movie The Babadook has gotten a lot of praise from critics for being such a great horrific film, and using a real, relatable story, rather than a series of killings and cheap jump scares. But many viewers mention how horribly the boy in the story behaves, and how much he's driving his mother crazy with his hyperactivity, his aggressiveness, and his uncontrollability. And really, isn't that what Ritalin is for?

Normally I'm pretty much against using dangerous addictive amphetamines on children just because they're a bit energetic, but the kid in this film is a real problem child, and it's ruining his mother's life, and stripping away her sanity. And this kid is a pretty good candidate for Ritalin treatment. And so I thought this movie might make for a fun ad for Ritalin, like so:

We'd see a short trailer edited together of this kid acting in a very annoying, atrocious, disobedient, abusive manner (as he does at different points in the film), and the mother is at the end of her rope. And then she sees the pop-up children's book The Babadook, and she opens it, and the book shows scenes that mirror her home life with her son, only in this case, the Babadook (looking a bit more like a pediatrician, but still wearing that black top hat) appears holding a bottle of Ritalin, rather than encouraging her to kill her son and then herself. And the rest of the book shows her and her son having a happy life together. And so she gets Ritalin for her son, and then her son is a perfect model of a well-adjusted kid.

The Legend of Hella House

In a haunted house with a powerful malicious spirit dwelling within, and a resultant bad reputation for the death and destruction of said house's occupants, a group of young adventure seekers decides to try to awaken and make contact with the spirit through the use of a ouija board, automatic writing, a medium, etc., with cameras rolling, hoping to prove the existence of the supernatural. But the thing that really awakens the vengeful spirit's wrath is all the annoying slang and youthspeak spoken by the young paranormal investigators, especially their repetition of the words: "awesome", "like", "dope", and especially: "hella", often used in combination with other grating youthspeak colloquialisms, such as: "hella rad", "hella awesome", "hella dope", "hella sick", etc.

And so the enraged malicious entity kills them all one-by-one for over-using the "hella (whatever)" slang expressions, making them all hella scared, hella panicked, hella sorry, and eventually, hella dead. But, unexpectedly, the annoying young victims have the last laugh, as their spirits return to haunt the house as well, due to their traumatic deaths creating the circumstances necessary to establish new spiritual entities in the already haunted house. And so the new ghost entities infest the house, speaking the same annoying youthspeak colloquialisms forever after, driving away the malicious entity for good, whereupon the haunted house gets a bodacious reputation and becomes well-known the world over with ghost hunters as being the one and only haunted house to feature the manifestation of ghostly apparitions that communicate entirely in irritating youthspeak slang, especially: "hella", through audio EVPs, actual auditory phenomena emanating from ghostly apparitions, and spelled out on ouija boards and through automatic writing.

And so it was that the haunted house became known as: "Hella House"

The Terminator Christmas Special

In this thrilling sci-fi action movie Christmas special spectacular, the machines rise up, destroying mankind. But children weren't stupid enough to fall for the terminators, and they hid from them, effectively insuring a future for mankind. But the machines want to completely eradicate mankind, making us extinct, and to do so, they've got to get those wily children.

And so, to lure the children into their trap, at Christmas the machines send a terminator Santa Claus to the remnants of malls throughout the world, inviting children to come sit on Santa's lap and tell him their Christmas wishes. And when they show up to sit on Santa's lap, it's curtains! But, once the plan is put into practice, the magic of Christmas warms the terminator Santa Claus hearts, and they allow the children to live, only for the kids to upload some nasty viruses into the machines, destroying them, and saving humanity for good.

(In non-Christian countries, the special ends differently, with the terminators killing all the children, and it's used as a propaganda lesson on why it's good not to be a Christian.)

Friday, December 26, 2014


I've often wondered why there isn't a SuperShuttle type of service here in Los Angeles to pick people up and shuttle them to bars and then back home. That way, nobody would have to drive drunk, and they could go out and drink at whatever bars and nightclubs they'd like without the worry or hassle or expense of getting a cab both ways. And with everyone being hammered on the shuttle in at least one direction, and due to the drinking aspect, and the bar destinations, it could be called the StuporShuttle. (Everyone would remember that name, and what its purpose is!)

A service like that really might save some people's driver's licenses, and quite possibly save some people's lives.

Nazi Zombie Alternatives

There sure seem to be a lot of horror movies about monstrous zombified nazi soldiers these days. It's a whole sub genre nowadays, with movies like Dead Snow. But why are they always Nazis? Doesn't that start to get old after a while? How come we never get to see movie characters menaced by a battalion of bloodthirsty zombified fascist Mussolini soldiers? Or why don't horror movie characters ever seem to get victimized by falling into the evil, ravenous clutches of zombified Vichy French Nazi collaborators? There were plenty of bad guys in the Axis in Europe during WWII. Didn't the Nazis share their bloodthirsty zombie soldier creation technology with any of their allies?

And is anyone ever going to run into commie zombies? The Soviets captured lots of Nazi scientists, so they must have gotten the formula at some point, right? (Yes, the Cold War is over, but out of the thaw comes the defrosted cannibal hunger of Commie Zombies! This red army is stained red with your blood!)

And speaking of defrosted horrors, how about a horror movie featuring zombified Napoleonic French soldiers? (An army division of French soldiers is frozen into a new glacier during Napoleon's invasion of Russia, but now, due to global warming, they are thawing out, and returning to life... to kill!)

No? They're not as scary as Nazi zombies? Darn.

Thursday, December 25, 2014

A Cinderella Story

We all know the story of Cinderella. But I heard the story was not told accurately. In fact, from what I understand, Cinderella simply wanted to go the the ball because she wanted to see how the other half lived, and to get out of the house and dance and let her hair down for a change. But that prince started stalking her. He was so arrogant, he actually called himself "Prince Charming" (!). The last thing Cinderella wanted was to get stuck marrying some hyper-entitled, arrogant brat who makes self-aggrandizing nicknames for himself, especially if he's a pretty boy!

The truth is, Cinderella wanted a he-man stuff prince like Prince Valiant. The only problem is that Prince Valiant ended up being some pansy who named himself "Prince Valiant", and because he was the prince, everyone had to call him that or else be tortured or executed.

And so, fed-up with pretentious princes, Cinderella used her skills and expertise to found a janitorial company that cleans up for spoiled jerks who refuse to do their own housework. And in the kingdom she's from, that's apparently everybody. And so her company became the biggest and most successful company in the land, and Cinderella became the most high-powered business leader therein, out-earning even the Royal family, who all had to bow down to her or else be left out of her cleaning empire's clientele and thus live in filth forevermore.

And so it was that Cinderella's hard-working ways won her not only her freedom in the end, but also made her fortune as a career woman. And as a high-powered independent businesswoman and industry leader, who needs to marry some spoiled inbred prince?

And as it turned out, her glass slippers were the perfect thing to use to shatter the glass ceiling!

The Babadook Song

(To the tune of "Barbara Ann" by the Beach Boys, but supposedly by Bob and the Dukes)

Ba ba ba, ba ba ba dook,
Ba ba ba, ba ba ba dook,
That scary spook,
He's got me ragin' and a roarin',
Roarin' and a screamin',
Ba ba, ba ba ba dook.

Reach for a knife,
Feeling stress and strife,
Mister Babadook is gonna make me take your life,
Ba ba, ba ba ba dook,
He's got me ragin' and a roarin',
Roarin' and a screamin',
Ba ba, ba ba ba dook.

This is "Barbara Ann" by the Beach Boys:

And this is The Babadook (It's an intense, truly horrifying 2014 horror movie from Australia):

Miracle Gro "Guardians of the Galaxy" Ad (Proposed)

I was just watching the Marvel movie Guardians of the Galaxy (great, fun movie, by the way!), and I couldn't help but notice that the tree character Groot spontaneously grows lots of extra stuff as needed throughout the movie, and I wondered how he could do that. And then I realized what a great ad this would make for Miracle Gro!

The ad for Miracle Gro could show scenes from the film where Groot grows lots of extra sinews, etc., and the announcer asks: "How does Groot grow so much so quickly? He uses Miracle Gro!" Then they could claim that Miracle Gro was originally Miracle Groot, but they shortened the name.

Then, as a tag, we could see the little sapling of Groot after he sacrificed himself to save the others, and the announcer could say: "To grow a miracle Groot, use Miracle Gro!" (Or something like that.)

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Christmas Eve

We've all seen lots of Christmas specials on TV, read many stories, and heard tons of songs about all Santa Claus does to prepare for Christmas each year. Well, it's not true! Santa only delivers the presents and eats all the cookies. His personal assistant does all the important prep work, logistics and organizing, and her name is: "Christmas Eve."

She's the one who really keeps track of everything, and makes all the final preparations, but Santa Claus and his patriarchal oppression prevents us from knowing the truth! Without Christmas Eve, there would be no Christmas.

But, because of all of her last minute deadlines, and the impressive magnitude of it all, word has managed to leak out of her industriousness and her irreplaceable efforts, and that's why there's a day known as Christmas Eve: it celebrates all of her hard work and credits all of her efforts on our behalf; we've merely forgotten what the true meaning is (or else we've been mislead!).

So this Christmas Eve, let's celebrate not only the jolly old elf who delivers our toys; let's celebrate the one who makes it all possible: our heroine, Christmas Eve!

(Every personal assistant ever knows exactly what I'm referring to here.)

Sunday, December 21, 2014

NetFlix Airport Ad

In this twist on a romantic story, a man chases a woman through an airport until he finds her, and then, just when it seems like he’s going to ask her to marry him, he asks for the NetFlix password. (I guess they’re “living in sin”, huh? As are all NetFlix users, since watching endless movies leads to sloth, one of the seven deadly sins, and also a cute furry animal.)

Wow, this ad seems somewhat mean-spirited to me. But you know, maybe if she withheld the NetFlix password until marriage, this wouldn’t happen to her.

Hmm, somehow I have a feeling this guy has a lot of lonely movie-watching marathons in his future…

(I was thinking that this woman could get revenge by saying the man made a bomb threat to her, and airport security could indefinitely detain him. Or if that’s too far, she could always accuse him of stalking her.)

Here’s the stalky spot:

You know, it strikes me that this ad could serve double duty for a smartphone or cellphone carrier ad as well: show this ad, show her dump him and smear his reputation online for his insensitivity, and then the spokesman says this could easily have been avoided if he’d just texted her the question on his smartphone.

Why Are Conjured Movie Demons Always So Angry and Vengeful?

Devil cult people in movies are always trying to summon demons. I’m not sure why you’d want one, but apparently they’re always full of rage and murder and soul stealing and such. But why do they act like this? I think I might have an idea.

Imagine you’re a demon, minding his own business, when you get conjured up by some yahoo metalhead devil worshippers listening to Deicide. Well, what was the demon doing when he got summoned? Maybe he was sitting on the toilet. Maybe he was about to win at Bingo. Maybe he was hooking up with some hot Coop-style devil girl/succubus, when he gets sucked up into the mortal realm. Wouldn’t you be annoyed too? And when he gets back, the devil girl will probably say: “You’re always getting summoned when I want to cuddle, so I found a new demon boyfriend.”

Now that’s going to make you mad, I’ll bet. No wonder they’re so vengeful. But shouldn’t they direct their rage at their summoners, rather than doing their bidding?

But isn’t it surprising they never seem to look at it like a holiday from hell? I mean, they never show up in a bathing suit with flippers and a snorkel mask, or wearing a Hawaiian shirt with a touristy camera hanging around their necks. They’re always mad and all business. (Don’t they know that all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy?) Even genies rejoice when they escape their bottle prisons; well, after killing some people. (Hmm, maybe they aren’t so different after all?)

Saturday, December 20, 2014

Help Santa Lose Weight

The White House claims Santa Claus is obese, and as such is a bad example to children.

“We can’t have kids looking up to an obese person, or equating morbid obesity with being jolly, generous, and industrious. What kind of example would that set?” said a White House spokesman Friday.

So the White House recommends we leave out celery and carrots and prune juice for Santa Claus instead of milk and cookies this year. After all, it’s all those cookies that make him fat. Plus they recommend we all leave out a note suggesting Santa might want to get exercise more than one day per year. Then we can have lots of Christmases every year! (Or maybe he only does it for the cookies? I guess we’ll find out.)

It’s time to turn the judgment back on Santa Claus and say he’s naughty for always eating only cookies and encouraging children to do the same by his example.

Oh, and no worries about Santa leaving coal in your stockings this Christmas: the EPA has banned him from doing that due to fossil fuel emissions and global warming.

Friday, December 19, 2014

Humbug (The Super Villain)

Yes, it’s Humbug, the nastiest, most ornery character you’d ever dislike to meet!

His super power is the ability to ruin everyone’s enjoyment of anything and causing people to doubt what they believe in; and when he hears people having fun, he springs into action, spoiling good cheer, spreading cynicism, and deflating faith in anything people derive comfort from. Truly a villainous character if ever there was one!

Beware Humbug, and abandon hope all ye who encounter his nasty designs!

(You know, I think I may have seen A Christmas Carol a few too many times…)

Thursday, December 18, 2014

A Christmas Carol 2: After Christmas

In watching a couple of old movie versions of A Christmas Carol, it strikes me how modestly Ebenezer Scrooge lives. Sure, he has his own apartment, but it’s hardly palatial, and there’s nary a sumptuous amenity to be seen. And so despite his purported miserly ways, I can’t help but think his business might not be all that it seems, and perhaps our supposedly miserly Mr. Scrooge is not so rich after all. (If he’s so rich, why does he live and work in such squalor?) And with that in mind, I think maybe it’s time for a sequel to A Christmas Carol so that we can see the economic effects of Mr. Scrooge’s newfound generosity upon his lifestyle.

So our story begins where A Christmas Carol left off: Ebenezer Scrooge has become a recklessly generous man, forgiving debts and splurging on presents and feast food for everyone. But then Christmas is over, and he has to go take care of his business. Well, as it turns out, Scrooge & Marley was barely breaking even (hence the miser shtick and the hesitancy to burn excess coal in the office), and since he’s broken the bank on gifts and destroyed his bottom line by forgiving debts all over the place, now his company is swimming in red ink, and it goes belly-up. And after declaring bankruptcy, Bob Cratchit loses his job, and his family gets evicted and starves to death in the street. Scrooge’s nephew has gotten married, but now that his job prospects have dried up, he gets dumped by his new bride and commits suicide. And as for Scrooge, he’s become a down-on-his-luck bum, and it seems everyone only remembers his miserly ways now that he’s down & out, forgetting his Christmas cheer (admittedly only lasting one day). And so, unable to pay his debts, Mr. Scrooge ends up in debtors’ prison for all his generosity.

And so the moral of our story is that you’ll always go broke being nice, so why not just be stingy? (Ayn Rand actually wrote this sequel as a stark lesson in rational self-interest, but she never published it. {Just kidding: I wrote it as a gallows-humor joke for Christmas.})

Dr. Scholl’s “The Dark Crystal” Ad (Proposed)

I was watching The Dark Crystal recently, and I heard the line: “But today, the ritual gives no comfort.” (Referring to the Skeksis sun ritual.)

Well, that got me to thinking how this could become a fun ad for Dr. Scholl’s.

Yes, the Skeksis got no comfort, and that’s why they were mean. But one day, a heroic Gelfling brought them Dr. Scholl’s gel inserts for their shoes. Dr. Scholl’s inserts give a lot of comfort. And on that day, all was healed throughout the land.

The Strokes Stroke PSA?

In this silly idea, the band The Strokes does a public service announcement about stroke, the third-largest killer in America. And to demonstrate the warning signs, the band plays songs, and the singer mimics the symptoms in his performance, like droopy face, paralyzed on one side, unable to speak coherently, etc.

Hey, maybe it’s not politically correct, but who would ever forget it once they had seen it? It might actually educate the public just by virtue of being so ridiculous.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

“Cars” Argento “Three Mothers” Movies?

Lovers of Dario Argento will know what I’m referring to here. Others might as well stop reading now.

You know how the Cars DVD had the special feature short of Mater and the Ghostlight? Well, I was thinking that maybe Cars characters could make other horror movies…

Remember how the “Three Mothers” movies (Suspiria, Inferno, Mother of Tears) each had a supreme witch character (named: Mater Suspiriorum, Mater Tenebrarum, Mater Lachrymarum)? Well, how about an animated remake of each movie, but with Cars characters, and the evil witch is always played by Tow Mater? {His name is “(Tow) Mater”, and he kind of looks like Mater Suspiriorum already…})

If you don’t know what I’m referring to, this should help:

And this is Mater and the Ghostlight:

And this is Mater Suspiriorum (Doesn’t she look a bit like Tow Mater?):

Prince Charmin (Joke Ad for Charmin Bathroom Tissue)

In this joke ad for Charmin bathroom tissue, we meet the (fictional) fairy tale prince, Prince Charmin; he’s Prince Charming’s cousin, but he not only didn’t get the looks, he actually has a butt for a face (well, sort of: his cheeks are so big and jowl-like, and his features so small, it gives the impression of buttocks as a face). And as if that wasn’t bad enough, he has allergies, so he’s always blowing his nose and such. And the bathroom tissue of the day in fairy tale land was extremely rough; kind of like those brown paper towels in school restrooms.

Well, seeing as how the successor to the throne was having issues with discomfort upon his Royal butt face, it was decreed that someone must come up with a better solution. And so, the court magician used all his white magic to create a rolled tissue so soft, it could be used indefinitely without discomfort. And it was named after the one it was created for: (Prince) Charmin.

And so it was that Charmin was born into the world: the only bathroom tissue with fairy tale magic softness.

(Actually, this could work well as a real ad for Charmin: simply make the prince normal looking {you know, handsome and dashing, as per the usual fairy tale stuff}, but have him be super pampered like Royals often are, and so he has super sensitivity to discomfort, kind of like The Princess and the Pea. And so because normal bathroom tissue is so uncomfortable for him, the court wizard uses his powerful white magic to create a bathroom tissue with the ultimate, cloud like softness. And despite the wizard’s efforts, the bathroom tissue gets named after Prince Charmin anyway, as it was created for him and his epic sensitivity. {Also, the story of The Princess and the Pea could be used for another ad, but with the prince being saved from a storm; and to confirm that he is indeed a prince, they give him regular bathroom tissue to use, and he cannot stand how rough and uncouth it is; and hence they know he is truly a prince after all, and so they give him Charmin to use, and they are Royally rewarded for saving the prince and his tender backside from harm. The end.})

Bleeping Beauty

Truly a modern fairy tale, it’s: Bleeping Beauty!

Princess Profana was so coddled and entitled her whole life, nobody ever told her how to act, and so she got the habit of peppering her every utterance chock full of profanity. (The word ‘profanity’ was coined for her.) In fact, everything she said was so objectionable that the Royal court got in the habit of having a team of trumpeters blow their horns whenever she said anything offensive, effectively inventing the naughty word bleep we all take for granted today.

And no prince would have her, with her obscene potty mouth (and those that would’s parents refused to allow the marriage), and so she became a bitter old maid, as the story goes. (Although I have it on good authority that she did the whole thing on purpose because she didn’t want an arranged marriage in her teens, as other princesses were wont to do; but rather, she wanted to become a writer. And due to her tendency to use offensive language, she became the world’s first naughty romance novelist.)

And so the fairy tale is all about how potty mouth doesn’t pay. (Unless you like being alone. Or you want to be a writer. Or you like horns. Or you love a sailor. Or something…)

Sleeping Beauty Issue

The animated Disney movie Sleeping Beauty is a wonderful family classic, but it has a quite questionable and problematic lesson for boys, because it encourages them to get affectionate with unconscious women. In fact, it’s the lynchpin of the whole story, as you may recall:

Sleeping Beauty is unconscious, under a spell (a metaphor for alcohol overindulgence, I think), and Prince ‘Harming’ shows up with his rape culture and Royal privilege, and he’s like: “I don’t care if she’s passed-out, I’m going to make out with her anyway!” And then the story says that’s “true love’s kiss” (!!!), and it breaks the spell, she wakes up, and they get married and live “happily ever after.” (?)

And seeing this, boys get the message that when girls say they want their handsome prince to arrive, they mean they want some guy to start kissing on them when they’re passed-out. What else are boys going to think after seeing this movie? The message is pretty clear, when you really think about it.

But Sleeping Beauty didn’t consent! And, in fact, she could not consent, seeing as how she was not in possession of her full conscious faculties.

So as you can see, the beloved animated classic Sleeping Beauty might possibly be the root of rape culture in America, brainwashing young males into wanting to get it on with unconscious women with the promise of happily ever after. (Shame on you, frozen Mecha Walt Disney!)

To be fair, Disney didn’t invent the Sleeping Beauty fairy tale, and I doubt they ever thought of this possible reading of the plot. But the guys who came up with Sleeping Beauty are long dead now, so how can we blame them now?

(Just kidding! Please don’t kill me, frozen Mecha Walt Disney! But you have to admit, I really do have a point here with the kissing the passed-out princess issue, right?)

BTW: I think this idea would make a fun Robot Chicken sketch: Sleeping Beauty is asleep in her bed, the prince comes in, and as he’s about to kiss her, Sleeping Beauty wakes up and says: “A-Ha! You were about to kiss me while I was unconscious, weren’t you?” And a crowd of guards runs into the room, and they take the prince down to the dungeon. And when he protests that he was just trying to give her “true love’s kiss”, they say: “That’s what they all say!” And then he gets thrown into a dungeon cell with all the other Disney princes.

Monday, December 15, 2014

Macadamia Nuts Airline Ad (Joke/Proposed)

In this ad, joking about the Korean Air incident, where a company VP, and the president’s daughter, made the plane turn around and go back to the airport due to getting macadamia nuts served in a bag, rather than on a plate, we see a similar incident play out, but this time, the VP is served peanuts, and she demands they go back for macadamia nuts. Then the announcer says: “Macadamia nuts: the only nuts good enough to fly all the way back for.”

Phillip’s Milk of Magnesia Christmas Ad (Proposed)

Santa Claus eats chocolate chip cookies all night long delivering presents, and all that chocolate makes him constipated. So on the day after Christmas, Santa takes Phillip’s to set himself right. It’s their gift to Santa for all his good work.

(Or the last house he stops at leaves him some Phillip’s, noting he must have eaten a lot of chocolate chip cookies and Bundt cake while delivering presents. But they tell him to wait to take it until he gets home; it might be a long sleigh ride back.)