Eggs Z.Z. Top Ad?

Z.Z. Top had a hit song years ago called “Legs” where they sing: “She’s got legs, she knows how to use ‘em…” Well, how about an ad for eggs that uses this song? They could sing: “She’s got eggs, she knows how to use ‘em…” And then they could show women making all these different delicious egg dishes (like omelets, quiche, etc.) and indicate lots of egg uses (like cake and meringue and such), and then we could see lots of people eagerly awaiting these delicacies, and then eating them in ecstasy. Then we could see Z.Z. Top playing the song with lots of little bits of scrambled eggs caught in their beards.

Mr. Minoxidil (An Advertising Mascot for Minoxidil)

Hey everybody, Minoxidil is off-patent, so anybody can make and sell it, apparently. So how about a generic advertising mascot for Minoxidil? He could be called “Mr. Minoxidil”, and he could have some thick, lush mane of hair, and be like some hair metal rock star type who gets all the hot ladies because of all the hair he’s got. And then that could brainwash everyone else into thinking all you need to meet hot women is hair. (I don’t think it really works that way after a certain age, if at all, but hey, who’s complaining about truth in advertising anyway?) And if everyone who wants to make and market Minoxidil products for preventing hair loss chipped in a few bucks together, they could all invest in this advertising campaign! (It would be like crowdsourcing for advertising! And if this worked, then maybe all the burger joins, pizzerias, acne medications, etc., could all chip in together to make ads that help everyone in the same line of work: that way everyone wins! {Or is that too communist for American advertising?})

Captain Responsibility (The Superhero)

Yes, it’s Captain Responsibility! Whenever something bad happens, and nobody wants to take responsibility for it, Captain Responsibility shows up to save the day! Was there some kid who didn’t do their chores, and as a result, raccoons threw trash all over the street? Captain Responsibility will take responsibility for it! Was there a snafu in public relations somewhere? Captain Responsibility will take responsibility! Was there corruption or ineptitude in government? Captain Responsibility will take the blame! Was there some security breach that allowed a terrorist attack to occur that nobody wants to claim responsibility for? Captain Responsibility will claim responsibility! And if there’s a conspiracy in big business to defraud the public, but it gets found out, and the cops can’t figure out who’s responsible, Captain Responsibility will take responsibility! And what about if a horrible crime has been committed, and the authorities have the wrong person: Captain Responsibility will take the blame!

Yes, it’s Captain Responsibility! Finally there’s a superhero to protect and defend the innocent and guilty alike! And finally, a superhero that’s just as heroic to kids and adults! Whenever anyone screws up, whether they’re guilty or innocent of malfeasance, Captain Responsibility will save the day!

(Hey government, Wall Street banks, Mafiosi, general screw-ups, etc.: you really might want to bankroll a comic book and movie series for this superhero. Not for me, but for you.)

(He’s going to be very busy, you know. He’ll be way more in demand even than Superman these days!)

Viewer Discretion Advised

I’ve been watching new stuff on Masterpiece and a couple PBS mysteries and such lately, and some of these shows have a viewer discretion warning at the beginning of the show. (The Bletchley Circle has two of them.) They basically say that the following program may include mature subject matter some people may find disturbing, or which may be unacceptable for a younger audience, so viewer discretion is advised. But is this such a good idea?

It seems to me that if you make the warning seem like the show is somehow sensational, salacious, violent, or obscene, kids will really, really want to see it. But most kids don’t like Masterpiece Theater-type shows anyway, so why not warn them about another aspect of the show that may make them less likely to want to watch it? And since most kids hate boring, adult dramas, this warning might be more effective in keeping younger viewers away:

“The following program contains lots of boring scenes of grown-ups talking a lot, and as such, it may be too dull for a younger audience: viewer discretion is advised.”

That ought to keep the kids away, don’t you think?

Red Lines and Syria

President Obama previously claimed that the use of chemical weapons by the Assad regime in Syria would signify a “red line”, which would result in a response. But apparently there has been some use of chemical weapons, and we’re not doing anything about it. All the news shows are abuzz with this story today. But this is not necessarily inconsistent with President Obama’s statement. You see, this all has to do with one’s eye for color.

Look, for most people, a red line is a red line. But for a color expert, a purported “red line” may not really be red after all. It might simply be a scarlet line, or maybe a crimson line. It may even be just a carmillion line. Or, perhaps it’s only like a magenta line, a fuchsia line, or even a maroon line. And in that case, we’re not obliged to do anything about it.

And that’s why these color consultants earn the big bucks at the Pentagon. Because after all, their color perception of the line could mean the difference between war and peace for American soldiers, so they’ve got to get it right. So they pull out their fan decks and try to match the line’s color absolutely accurately, which can take some doing, and a color system from every paint and print system imaginable. And how they judge the color’s hue can mean life or death for many people! (Now that’s some serious responsibility!)

Ruling with an Iron Fist

We keep hearing about dictators and such who “rule with an iron fist”. But is this such a good idea? There are so many better metals out there to make a fist to rule with out of, aren’t there? I mean, apart from the obvious problem of rust, which could make a leader look corrupt or feeble, there’s also the issue of magnetism. If your enemy had a strong enough magnet, they could just use magnetism to snatch the fist away, and then they could rule with it instead of you. And with rust, you know, your people will see your iron fist rusting, and they’ll think you’re weak. Also, your enemies could always squirt the iron fist with salt water and stuff, and make it corrode. Unless, well, I guess you could use Rust-Oleum, huh? (Hey maybe this is an emerging market for Rust-Oleum? They could make ads for dictators who rule with an iron fist and warn them that rust could corrode their iron fist unless they use Rust-Oleum.)

But if you’re ruling with an iron fist, you’re obviously going to make yourself rich, and if you’re rich, then I think, for the sake of prestige, you really ought to rule with a platinum fist. I hear you saying: “Well, why not a golden fist encrusted with diamonds?” Well, that would smack of oligarchy, and that might attract communist agitators and stuff. No, use platinum, because it’s classy, but it also kind of looks like stainless steel, so it looks suitably strong, and I believe it is not subject to magnetism, so you could even repress Magneto with it if you wanted to. Plus, if you ever have to leave in a hurry to escape during a coup, you could always sell the platinum fist for its platinum, and that’s worth a lot, so you could live off of it for a while if you had to. (And this could be a good advertising strategy for the platinum industry, especially now that lots of dictators are being overthrown: they could sell lots of platinum fists, and then those rulers would be overthrown, and they could sell lots of new ones to people like Egypt’s President Morsi.)

“Mean Girls” Delta Gamma Sorority Letter

Boy, everyone sure is bashing young college student Rebecca Martinson, a Delta Gamma sorority president, just because she wrote one of the most hilariously abusive letters ever. But as she is quite possibly the Neill Cumpston of sorority letter writers, and as she has provided us all with laughs aplenty, I think perhaps she should be honored, not bashed. An article I read today suggests she won’t even be able to find a job after this. But when was the last time someone has provided so much entertainment to so many with the simple written word, and at so low a cost? (You can’t get a lower cost than free!) She is a master of letters! And she hasn’t even gotten royalties for her humorous writing.

Well, if she’s not going to be welcome in corporate America, then I have a suggestion for her: Start your own company! Yes, Rebecca Martinson could start an online company where people can hire her to write letters and emails to people they’re mad at, like cell phone companies, banks, etc., when they screw up people’s service, ruin their credit, bill them ridiculously high amounts and refuse to fix the problem, etc. Why, Ms. Martinson could unload on people and companies who screw other people up, and word these letters in such a way as to really make a mark and leave a lasting impression! And who knows, they might even make it onto the news, just like her sorority letter did, and shine a light on corrupt or incompetent corporate practices.

So come on, Rebecca! Remember, every problem is also an opportunity, and every ending is also a beginning!

Giant Bug Movies

TCM showed Tarantula today, and it reminded me of all the giant bug movies of the 1950s. Usually some bugs, like ants, spiders, praying mantises, etc., would get exposed to atomic radiation and get all big and stuff, and then they’d go rampaging around eating livestock and people and whatnot. And so naturally, the cops would try to fight the giant beast(s), with some getting eaten in the process (“Mmmm: Tastes like donuts!”), and so the military would be called in to heroically slay the giant menace. (Hey, remember when the military was always the good guy in movies, before the Vietnam War?)

But wow, can you imagine what it would be like if we had a giant bug menace today? Livestock would get eaten, and then farmers would be eaten trying to protect their livestock, and vegans would say it serves them right for eating meat and raising animals for food. And then the military would be called in to fight the giant menace, and animal rights activists would protest in front of the army base, break in and lie down on the runway to stop the air force from dropping bombs on the monster, claiming it’s nature’s revenge for pollution and climate change. And they’d be the heroes, helping the monsters eat everyone and destroy civilization. Oh my, how times have changed.

Upcoming Michael Bublé Albums?

There was a news story yesterday about Michael Bublé singing in the New York City subway and causing a stir. Well, that made me think of his name, and what might make fun album titles for him. So here’s a list of Michael Bublé albums I’d like to see:

The Housing Bublé: Songs about home life (Or: House music versions of his songs)

The Tech Bublé: Techno versions of Michael Bublé songs with Michael Bublé vocals

The Internet Bublé: A special internet-only album for his online fans

Super Bublé: His greatest hits

Double Bublé: A double album of rare tracks and alternate takes

Bublé Yum: Songs about food

Hubba Bublé: Love songs
Bubba Bublé: Country music favorites

My First Experience with Misleading Marketing: Tang

Ah yes, I can remember it just like it was yesterday: my first experience with misleading marketing. It was very memorable, for you see, it was with regard to a product we used quite frequently when I was a little kid: Tang, the breakfast drink that tastes sort of vaguely like orange juice. (<I think that's what MAD Magazine said about it years ago.) You see, we drank it because we thought it was neat-o that the Apollo astronauts drank it. Only, apparently they didn't drink it. And when you think about it, it would have been ridiculously impractical for them to have drunk it in space.

Yes, you see, Tang is a powdered drink mix that you must mix with water to make into a drink. Can you imagine mixing a spoonful of sticky, sugary Tang instant breakfast drink in a weightless environment? You’d scoop a spoonful out of the jar, lift it up, and all the granules would float of their own accord all over the inside of your space capsule. Then you’d have to garb some with your hand and maneuver it into your glass of water, which you’d have to be very careful with to avoid having the water simply float out of the glass. And then you’d take your spoon and stir the Tang into the glass of water, causing it all to come swirling out of your glass and into your space capsule, like some orange liquid tornado, sloshing all over everything, ricocheting off ever surface, eventually covering everything in sight, making it all sticky and disgusting. Yuck!

Of course, I suppose you could pre-mix the Tang before you blast off into space, but that’s totally cheating; because after all, what’s the point of using an instant drink mix if you don’t mix it instantly? You could just bring orange juice instead if you’re bringing something that’s pre-mixed. And orange juice makes it bearable when everything screws up all day long (I am referencing the current orange juice ad campaign), like with the Apollo 13 mission. They never would have made it through that without their orange juice!

So this shows how silly this whole marketing strategy was, trying to say that astronauts drank Tang in space. And I think lots of people bought it because they wanted to be like the astronauts. Which is why everyone took wet-nap baths and went to the bathroom in zip-lock plastic bags all the time in the 1960s and ‘70s: to be like the astronauts! (Or maybe it was just fun or something: I don’t remember.)

Actually, now that I have looked it up on Wikipedia, it seems that Tang really was used on John Glenn’s Mercury flights. But they didn’t use it on the Apollo missions, which is what I think was clearly being implied in the Tang ads from my childhood. After all, John Glenn’s stuff was well over by the time I was born, and the moon shot stuff was all the rage by then, so I doubt they were still touting the Mercury missions by the 1970s. But you know, maybe I imagined the whole Tang Apollo ad campaign stuff. Maybe it was more gossip marketing, like the thing about Bubble Yum being made with spiders’ eggs. Bubble Yum didn’t actually make ads claiming that, because I think maybe the FDA would have objected and cracked down if it turned out Bubble Yum wasn’t really using spiders’ eggs; but it’s clear that Bubble Yum wanted kids to think it was made with spiders’ eggs, seeing as how spiders’ eggs are such a delicacy for children, so they must have simply started it as a rumor that they hoped would take on a life of its own, and luckily for them, it did. And this Tang Apollo tie-in marketing was probably guerilla gossip marketing like that, don’t you think?

(Of course I am only being silly here. I’m sure Tang would never have wanted to associate itself with the Apollo stuff anyway. Everyone knows the moon is made of cheese, and it only makes sense to tie-in cheese products with the Apollo missions, like Cheez Whiz. Just think of how much fun it would be to spray that stuff around in zero gravity: kind of like odd-tasting Silly String.)

Single Payer Healthcare Political Ads

Well, the Affordable Care Act is getting pretty close to being enacted, and a lot of people are panicking about it. It’s driving premiums up a lot, and I heard even Congress is trying to get exempted from their own bill. (No surprise there, if true.) And I think it’s possible that when everything gets rolled out, it’s going to be such a headache, many people will clamor for a single payer healthcare system. (Some people have cynically suggested that this plan was designed to fail from the get-go so that we’d have to scrap it and do a single payer system instead.) Well, if that’s a possibility, then the government is going to have to convince people about it. So here are a couple of political ad ideas I have thought up to help sell the idea of single payer health insurance:

1.) “Born Free”: The song “Born Free” plays as new parents bring their baby home from the hospital for the first time. The mother shows the baby around the house as the song plays, and the father picks up the mail, opens a bill from the hospital, sees how much money they owe for the hospital stay, and has a panic attack as we hear a loud sound effect of the needle being scratched off the record of the song that’s playing. Then the mother walks over to see what he’s looking at and she almost drops the baby from shock, leading to the baby loudly crying, and the announcer chimes in, saying: “Wouldn’t it be nice if your baby really was born free? Support single payer healthcare.”

2.) A man who has had an operation to save his life is released from the hospital, and he and his family are all smiles exiting the hospital and arriving home. Then the scene cuts to the inside of the home, and the man is going through his mail and opening a letter as a family member says: “Thank goodness they saved you.” And the man looks at the hospital bill and says: “Saved me? They ruined me!” The family all crowds around to look at the medical bill and they all get panicked looks on their faces, after which the announcer chimes in, saying: “Wouldn’t it be nice to get your life saved by healthcare without having your life ruined with massive medical bills? Support single payer healthcare.”

The Exorcist Political Ad

Yes, once again, The Exorcist was on tonight, and I couldn’t resist but see it again. The older I get, and the more times I see it, the better it gets. Most movies are not like that, but I see and notice more stuff in it each and every time. Blatty and Friedkin really knew what they were doing!

But there is one scene in the movie now that is one of my favorites, where Father Merrin is explaining to Father Karras how the demon is a dangerous liar. He says that they should not listen, because the demon is a liar, but that it will also mix lies with the truth to attack them. Well, this scene, especially recently, has made me think of political strategists. During the recent presidential election, I meant to write about it, but I forgot about it, as I write about so many other things almost every day. But this could make a fun political ad or a comedy sketch, I think. Here’s how it might work:

In a political ad, we have the scene with the two priests, and they’re talking about the demon, but they use instead the name of a political candidate, and then Father Merrin’s stand-in says he’s (or she’s) a liar, but that he (or she) will also mix lies with the truth to attack us, and not to listen. And then the priests would enter into the bedroom, and in there would be a TV set with the political candidate they’re attacking in this ad, and it would show the candidate saying stuff to do with the campaign, and the two priests would back away in horror, saying: “Aaaa! It’s even worse than I imagined it could be!”

Now seriously, wouldn’t that rival the “Demon Sheep” or the “King Rat” ads for pure hysterical hokum? (Those ads were made by a Republican political ad maven here in L.A.)

The Wizard of Oz Sequel Revelations

Well, Oz the Great and Powerful was a hit, so they’re going to have to make a sequel, right? And since the sequel to that story would be The Wizard of Oz, the only way to go with that is down, down, down, since the original was so beloved. And so seeing as how they would get bashed and panned for remaking The Wizard of Oz, but they still need a sequel, they’re going to have to make a sequel to The Wizard of Oz, revealing what happens next, and more back story info. So here’s a list of just a few tantalizing bits, just to whet your appetite for the upcoming Wizard of Oz sequel:

The Cowardly Lion gets courage, which makes him seem ferocious and threatening, which ends up getting him shot by the police.

The Tin Man gets a heart, and just in time to die from heart disease: If only he had been a vegan! (I guess it’s nature’s revenge for him cutting down so many trees and harming the environment.)

The Scarecrow gets a brain just in time for zombies to strike and eat his brain. (Oh, the humanity! Lacking a brain was the only thing saving his life for so long from zombie attacks!)

Also, we find out that when she was younger, the Wicked Witch of the West had lived in an apartment building with lots of yippy dogs in all of her neighbor’s apartments, and all their incessant barking all day long every day had driven her insane and made her wicked, which is why she wants to kill Dorothy’s dog Toto (and Dorothy too, for owning a little dog like the ones that made her lose her mind originally). I know this doesn’t exactly fit with what Oz the Great and Powerful suggests, but this scenario is far more believable that what the recent movie depicted, so maybe they should just go with this one. (Plus, think of all the people who could be saved from turning wicked by overexposure to yippy dog barking if a movie shined a light on this very real and serious problem of yippy dogs driving people insane in apartment buildings with their endlessly annoying ear-splitting barking all day every day.)

(And this last one would help explain why cats are witches’ familiars: because they’re quiet.)

Vulcan Comedy Clubs

We Star Trek fans most likely think that there was generally no sense of humor in Vulcans, and consequently that there were probably no comedy clubs on Vulcan. Oh, but this is not so, for Vulcans love comedy! It's just that humans do not understand it as comedy, and generally don't think it's funny. But Vulcans think it's hilarious! It's just that they only laugh on the inside. But on Vulcan, purportedly they cram like Vulcan sardines into comedy clubs to hear all the latest Vulcan comedians.

So, what kind of humor do Vulcans appreciate? Well, from what I understand, they are a lot like human jokes, using absurdism and zaniness to humorous effect. But with Vulcans, all their jokes are logic-based, which means that since everything they do is logical all the time, their comedy is when a Vulcan does something that is illogical. So their stand-up comedians just tell a series of little stories about things they do where everything is illogical, like, for instance, looking for their shoes in the refrigerator. But then they layer extra comedy in by saying they wanted "cool shoes", which would make it logical, sort of, to look for such shoes in the refrigerator. So at first, it seemed illogical, which is silly for Vulcans, but then they bring it home by creating some non-sequitur that would theoretically make what they did logical, if it was literal, but it's not. Like shopping for clothes in the oven, and then saying they were looking for "the hottest fashions". And while, if they were hot, it would make sense to look for them in the oven, the fact that they are not literally hot temperature-wise still makes it illogical, and thus a Vulcan knee-slapper. (<But they call it something else, since slapping one's knee would be quite the illogical response to someone's statement. Unless they told you to slap your knee.)

And because human beings are so often emotional and illogical, Vulcans are in actuality constantly laughing at us right to our faces, but we aren't aware that their Poker Face is actually their version of a joyous guffaw.

Shark Fin Hats

No, not hats for people that look like shark fins, but hats for shark fins!

You see, I saw Louis C.K. recently make a joke about how silly sharks would feel if they knew we could see their fins above the surface of the water when they're coming. And seeing as how sharks are becoming endangered (at least according to conservationists: it might not seem like it when they’re biting you, though), it seems like maybe they need some help with that fin issue so no-one will see them coming. So I was thinking, maybe if a shark could wear a hat over their dorsal fin that looks like a duck swimming, or a person's head who is doing the breast stroke, or something like that, maybe sharks can gain that element of surprise again, and they can get away with sneak attacks again. Or maybe if sharks could wear a hat that looks like a seal's head swimming just above the water, people and other seals would want to come see the seal, and then: chomp! Or, how about, for big sharks, a big hat that looks like a surfer paddling on a surf board? Then people might just swim up to them to say hello, and: chomp! And for the shark who's a fan of Baywatch, how about a fin hat that looks like a distressed swimmer who needs to be saved from drowning: this one could have some moving parts, perhaps attached to wires like a marionette, which enable the shark to wave the arms and splash about by moving their tail and fins. And once the sexy lifeguard jumps in to save the “swimmer”: yum!

Re-Brand Sugar?

Sugar is getting a bad rap lately due to obesity and diabetes. So maybe sugar needs a PR effort to re-brand it as some focus group-approved misleading benign-sounding new name. How about this for a new name for sugar: “dessert sand”. Sugar is granulated, like sand, and “dessert” is very close to the word “desert”, so it would sound like something familiar. Plus, hearing the term “dessert sand” might make people become thirsty through the power of suggestion, and as a result, people might buy more sugary drinks to quench that imagined thirst. I mean, dessert-sandy drinks.

Lyrica

Lyrica is a drug for pain, but doesn’t it sound like it’s only for singers and song lyric writers? This name might just make guitarists and other musicians feel left out and decide to choose some other medication. So perhaps they ought to create a new brand name for the same medicine just for guitarists called “Tabulatura”, or maybe “Riff-o-rama”. That way guitarists would feel like it was formulated just for them! And really, don’t guitarists get more aches and pains than singers anyway, having to lug those heavy amps around, having to strap a guitar over their shoulder all the time, having to move their fingers around so much to play, etc.? Singers just have to sing and sleep with groupies. That’s way easier!

Radical Ties & Alleged Ties

I keep hearing news people referring to “radical ties”, as in, did the terrorist suspects have radical ties? Well, how about a company or store called “Radical Ties”? They could sell the most radical ties imaginable, with lots of bright colors, controversial people’s faces printed on them, pictures of motorcycles, guns, metal and punk band logos, etc.

Also, I hear lots of news people referring to “alleged ties” to radical groups, etc., so how about a company called “Alleged Ties”? They could sell things that are alternatives to ties, like bowties, clip-on ties, those Texas-style bolo ties, ascots, scarves, bandanas, t-shirts with ties printed on them, etc. And whenever any news story talks about some suspect who has alleged ties to extremist groups, it would serve as an ad promoting the company.

Oh, and how about a glasses store called “Radical Eyes”? The news is all abuzz with talk of radicalizing, and “radicalize” sounds like “radical eyes”, so every time anyone refers to someone being radicalized, it would remind everyone of the Radical Eyes eye glasses store.

Space Harpoon

A news report today claims a European tech company called Astrium is proposing a space harpoon to clean up old satellites and “space junk” in orbit. But I’m not falling for that old ruse, man. They admit it’s a harpoon, so they’re obviously trying to skirt Earth whale protection laws by hunting space whales! Hey, man: save the space whales! (I’m surprised Japan didn’t develop the space harpoon first. But then again, they still go whaling on Earth, so I guess they didn’t feel it was necessary to hunt space whales yet.)

Here’s the spaced out story:

http://edition.cnn.com/2013/04/18/world/space-junk-harpoon/?hpt=hp_c5

http://news.sky.com/story/1081433/space-junk-could-be-harpooned-during-clean-up

Chex Gluten Free Cereal Wheat Horror (Joke) Ad

Chex makes a version of their breakfast cereal that’s gluten free for people who require a gluten free diet. They say it’s delicious and stuff, but is this really enough of a hard sell to demonstrate why people with celiac disease ought to buy it? Doesn’t Chex Gluten Free cereal really need to warn people of the dangers of wheat cereals plotting to sicken those with gluten allergies, just to scare everyone into buying their stuff? I think so!

And guess what: there’s already a cereal advertising campaign which personifies wheat cereal: Frosted Mini Wheats. These mighty mites help kids have the energy they need to focus in school, etc. Oh, but what else might they do? Well, how about if these mini wheat characters conspired to jump into people’s mouths who are allergic to wheat? Then these poor people would get sick! And that’s why people who are allergic to wheat gluten and such really need to buy Chex Gluten Free: because if they buy the wrong kind of cereal, it will try to sicken or kill them! (You know it’s true! Wheat gets insulted by people who are allergic to it, so it tries to make them sick as revenge.)

So in this (joke) ad for Chex Gluten Free cereal, someone with celiac disease is making breakfast, and little wheat cereal characters like the ones from the Frosted Mini Wheats ads are trying to sneak into the person’s cereal bowl, trying to jump into their mouth, trying to catapult each other into their mouth with a spoon, etc., in an attempt to kill them. Oh, but just then, a Chex Gluten Free cereal character stops them like a police officer and arrests them. Then another Chex character uses yet another Chex character to expand like a big net (since Chex have a net-like texture) to capture other wheat cereal characters, preventing them from jumping into the allergic person’s bowl, onto their spoon, into their mouth, etc. And in this way, we can see that Chex Gluten Free cereal actively protects the lives of those who are allergic to gluten by keeping wheat out of their diet, thus saving their lives from wheat cereal’s evil plot.

Here are a couple of examples of the Frosted Mini Wheats ads:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AHSV99hW6jg

And here’s a commercial for Chex Gluten Free cereal:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D_BwF0R2S7g

In this ad, a mom says: “Can a little bowl of cereal change your life?” Well, then she ought to say: “If you’re allergic to gluten, and it’s a wheat cereal it can! It can change your life into death! That’s why you need Chex Gulten Free!” And then they could show a funeral for someone who failed to buy and eat Chex Gluten Free cereal taking place at a cemetery (called the “Celiac Cemetery”) where all the headstones are like big cereal boxes of wheat cereals, showing which cereals had caused the deaths of the people buried there. That ought to get across the idea that wheat cereal is dangerous to people who are allergic to wheat gluten, right?

Antifungal “Fun Gus” Ad (Proposed)

In this proposed ad for an antifungal cream or ointment, the word “fungus” would be personified as “Fun Gus”, and “Fun Gus” would be characterized as the kind of guy who always comes over uninvited, loves to crash parties, always overdoes his celebratory revelry and marry-making, annoys the hell out of everyone, never knows when to leave, etc. And once “Fun Gus” comes over, he never wants to leave! And so once “Fun Gus” invites himself over and arrives, it’s like a non-stop annoying, awful party that you want to end, but it just keeps going on and on and on, and it’s completely miserable! Oh, but once you use (whatever brand of antifungal medication), it’s like a bouncer who immediately throws “Fun Gus” out! And this bouncer, the personification of this antifungal medication, is very strong and extremely intimidating to “Fun Gus” while at the same time being the perfect friend and custodian to your feet! So whenever “Fun Gus” comes over and gets the joint jumpin’ and the place hoppin’, and you can’t relax, or focus on what you’re doing, or you can’t sleep from all the irritation and annoying racket, this trusty super-strong bouncer friend of yours will come over and kick “Fun Gus” out and give you peace of mind and peace and quiet again!

Joke Life Alert Style Ad

Life Alert ads show an old woman who slipped in the shower and was too injured to reach the phone to call for help. And then they say that if you get the Life Alert system, you just press the button and it calls for help for you. But what about if younger women got injured in the bathroom and were unable to reach the phone? How could they call for help? This might make a silly joke ad based on the same type of scenario, but with a younger woman:

So the younger woman (about college age) could talk about how she slipped in the shower and was too injured to call for help, but luckily for her, some pervert had installed a secret bathroom webcam that broadcasts everything she does in the bathroom on the internet, and so the pervert guy saw that she was injured and called an ambulance for her. And then the ad ends up being for installing free pervert webcams in bathrooms. You know, to save lives.

Whore-O-Scope

We all know people can find predictions about relationships and their love lives in horoscopes. But what about people who don’t want romance or relationships, but simply want casual sex? Well, the new “Whore-O-Scope” is just for them! Find out all about your upcoming sexual escapades and chances for success with your own personal Whore-O-Scope! You can even find out when to watch out for STDs and unwanted pregnancies! Yes, for men and women who enjoy “whoring around”, it’s the Whore-O-Scope, predicting your chances of carnal success: Have yours read today!

Jägermeister Drink Responsibly Car Keys Ad

In this addendum to the stronger bond “seat at the table” ad campaign, the guys who have earned their seat at the Jägermeister table have their car keys confiscated in a bowl before they sit down to drink at the Jägermeister round table. This is to send the message that people should not drink and drive. But this scenario brings something else to mind too. Could this possibly be one of those swinger parties where each partygoer reaches into the bowl and grabs a set of keys out of the bowl (while not looking into the bowl), and they then go home with whomever’s keys they select? I could see people who drink enough Jägermeister being game for doing something like that, or pretty much anything else, at the end of the night. Oh, but I guess luckily for them, the person who confiscated all of their keys has thrown them into some fish tank or something which has frozen, so the keys are all trapped in a big block of ice, as we see in the end of the spot. But you know, they’re all trapped in one room together until their keys defrost their way out of the ice, so perhaps they’ll all get up to even more depravity as a result?

I’m sorry, but I can’t find this particular ad on YouTube, but you’ll probably see it on TV. It comes from the same campaign as this spot:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1b0oh_2L3DE

Ritz Crackerfuls Airplane Ad

A-Ha! I knew it! Ritz Crackers is a terrorist enterprise! Oh, but at least they have slipped up here and tipped their hand as to their upcoming attack strategy! You see, in this commercial for Ritz Crackerfuls, some airplane is delayed from landing, and so a passenger takes out a Ritz Crackerful to help pass the time. Oh, but this causes everyone on the plane to become ravenous with envy! They all stare at the Ritz Crackerful, threatening to attack the guy and fight each other to the last person standing for possession of (and the right to eat) the Ritz Crackerful (!). And then we see that the captain of the airplane has actually left the cockpit (!!) to try to get his hands on the Ritz Crackerful. And that’s when terrorists strike and hijack the airplane (!!!). Which all proves that Ritz Crackerfuls is a terrorist conspiracy to hijack airplanes, and as such must be banned by the airport TSA! If even one person is allowed to slip through security with just one small packet of Ritz Crackerfuls, the whole nation and all of our lives are in jeaopardy! Aaaaaa! (But like I said, at least they made the mistake of showing us their upcoming plans in advance, so we can prepare for them and thwart their dirty plot!)

Now, this is obviously a joke, but this is exactly what this commercial makes me think of (airline-related terrorism), and under the circumstances of real terrorist threats, a horrible tragedy having occurred as a result of airplane hijackings within recent memory, etc., I think making an ad like this is inadvisable. It just leaves a bad taste in my mouth to see something like this, because it immediately makes me think of terrorism. How could it not make everyone think of terrorism these days when we see an ad like this? And that’s really not so appetizing, so maybe they could make a similar ad that doesn’t take place on an airplane?

How about using a classroom where people are taking a test, or a lecture is announced to be longer than expected, or something like that, and so the guy takes out a Ritz Crackerful and everybody stares at him; and then the teacher could confiscate it because it’s causing such a big distraction, and then we see, as the tag, the teacher eating the Crackerful him/herself, and the guy coming to ask for it back after class and catching the teacher eating it. That doesn’t make me think of terrorist attacks and airplane hijackings, so how about that instead? Or how about someone at a local high school football game that’s going longer than expected, and so a spectator guy takes out a Ritz Crackerful, and everybody turns around and stares at him hungrily, and then as the tag we see him running away, and both football teams are chasing him to try to get the Ritz Carckerful? That might work too. And it doesn’t instantly and automatically make me think if terrorism.

Here’s the audacious airline ad (Seriously, watch this ad and tell me it doesn’t make you automatically think of terrorism and airline hijackings):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KbFGiwzSaUQ

TSA Pen Knives on Planes (Joke) PSA

As we mostly all know, the TSA has suggested changing their current policy to permit airline passengers to bring small pen knives as carry-on items. Some people are uncomfortable with this decision, particularly flight attendant unions (I don’t blame them!), and so the implementation of this law change has been delayed. But if they want to convince people about allowing passengers to bring small pen knives on board airline flights, why not make a public service announcement to demonstrate how safe it will be?

Okay, so here’s my idea for a (joke) PSA about the policy to allow passengers to bring small knives aboard airline flights: We see people boarding an airplane, and among the passengers are some well-known and recognizable Slasher movie killers, like Michael Myers from Halloween (in the William Shatner mask), Jason from Friday the 13th (in his hockey goalie’s mask), etc. And everyone straps in, and the flight takes off. Well, once the captain permits people to move about the cabin, the Slasher killers get up to stalk their prospective victims, but they only have little teensy wimpy pen knives with them, so everyone just laughs at them instead of running in terror. Then the announcer says that small pen knives pose hardly any risk, and so everyone should be comfortable with them on the plane. (And then he gets his throat cut with a pen knife and dies. Which could actually happen with a pen knife, which is why I think it would be advisable to continue the current policy of banning them from the plane. In fact, maybe this whole scenario would work better as an ad opposing allowing even small pen knives on the plane. That ad would have the same scenario, but when the killers try to kill their victims, they have no knives or weapons of any kind, and so they can’t harm anyone. And then the announcer says that with current TSA policy, even the worst killers can’t harm anyone on board an airplane, so let’s keep it that way. And that wouldn’t even have to be a joke ad; it might really work to communicate its message well as is. {But it is admittedly a bit over the line perhaps.})

Mixing Religion and Green Energy

Hey, we all know about how liberals and conservatives are always at each others’ throats over religion and environmentalism, etc., right? Well, how about this as an idea to bring them all, together: Jesus’s Renewable Energy Company! Yes, you see, we all know the story about the two sets of footprints on the beach, and the one set being when Jesus carried you, right? Well, the truth is, Jesus only carried you to reduce you carbon footprint. And that’s why Jesus wants us to create green energy solutions in His name! And then all the religious social conservatives would support it wholeheartedly! (Right?)

And how about this for an idea: Have an ad that shows how green energy can return the Earth to being like the Garden of Eden (but without serpents this time!). Then they could tie the idea of green energy and environmentalism into the Bible, and perhaps get some religious conservatives on board with it. Hey, it’s worth a try, isn’t it? Co-opt some religious themes and Biblical stories and teachings, and maybe liberals could somehow build a bridge to the other side to work together on making the world a better place, rather than just always butting heads over everything. Show interest in the other side’s values, find a way to make them intersect, and build consensus. I know that’s the opposite of what our political system is making us do, but that’s not getting us very far, so why not try something new and more amicable? But it’s just an idea.

Senator Menendez on Senator Grassley’s Immigration Stance

Senator Menendez, in his criticism of Senator Chuck Grassley’s concerns over the current version of the immigration reform bill, claimed on MSNBC today that Sen. Grassley would reject the bill no matter what, saying: “…if ten angels came swearing from above that this was the best reform bill for America’s security, prosperity, and to preserve our history as a nation of immigrants, he would say ‘no’.” But is this a fair claim? Actually, Senator Grassley would have no choice but to say no if angels pushed for this legislation due to the Separation of Church and State. Is Senator Menendez suggesting that supernatural religious entities ought to dictate our country’s immigration policy? Isn’t the Democratic party the one who always objects to prayer in school and manger scenes on public grounds and other religious stuff like that? But now they want angels to lobby Congress for policy stuff? Man, that’s a new one on me! I thought Sen. Grassley was just concerned about terrorism-related issues and hoped to address those concerns in the bill for the sake of security, but maybe he just opposes immigration reform no matter what, just like Senator Menendez says. But then again, maybe this whole thing is just an opportunity for Senator Menendez to push for divine intervention on the immigration bill, and then within government policy just generally. And while I always thought Democrats were against religion in politics, perhaps their public opposition to it is merely a ruse designed to trick us into not suspecting them when angels take over the government and subvert the Constitution! (They can’t fool me though: I was onto them all along! They doth protest too much about religion in government!)

So to update all you conspiracy fans out there: It’s not extra-terrestrials who are controlling the government (like in The X Files), it’s angels! They’re trying to horn in on our political system and hijack the country! Then they can force everyone to go to church all the time by law! (I know what they’re up to! Religion’s power has waned in America, and they’re trying to force a comeback! But who ever would have suspected that the Democrats would be behind this conspiracy? {I mean, besides me.})

[I am just being silly here, everyone…]

Terrorist Suspect Threatened with Perjury

Wolf Blitzer explained today about how the remaining Boston Marathon bombing suspect is being questioned by authorities, and if he doesn’t tell the truth, he could be charged with perjury (!!!). Wow, he might be charged with perjury? Man, that’s a real criminal offense! I’ll bet a terrorist who killed and maimed lots of innocent people would think twice before lying to authorities if he might be charged with perjury! That might add a few months to his, um, I don’t know, uh, maybe, death sentence?

I joked earlier today about how CNN was going to fire Wolf Blitzer and replace him with The Situation from Jersey Shore, but now I’m not so sure that’s such a bad idea. CNN has been spending most of their time over the past few days repeatedly showing lots of innocent-looking childhood pictures of this (alleged) terrorist murderer over and over again, as if what he looked like as a child makes any difference to what he (allegedly) did! And they also had Alan Dershowitz on today to say that this guy really has a lot going for him, because he’s young and good-looking, and that bodes well for his trial.

So, thanks, CNN, for showing every cute wannabe murderer and terrorist that they can get famous and a loyal following in no time by just going on a killing spree or committing a terrorist attack, so long as they aren’t fugly. Can’t sing like Justin Bieber? No problem! Just do a spree shooting or a terrorist attack, and everyone will celebrate you and make you an overnight sensation! Just don’t forget to thank CNN. (Remember, you can get away with murder and be celebrated, but no fatties! Want to be the next Jodi Arias? Just stab someone lots of times, and if you're hot, CNN will make you famous!)

Star Wars Shampoo Ads?

Hey, we all know that Wookies are covered with lush, beautiful and shiny hair, right? (Well, they are if they use the right shampoo, that is!) Well, how about a shampoo using Chewbacca the Wookie to show how great the shampoo works? We could see Chewy getting in all these tight scrapes and dangerous situations, getting dirty and singed and stuff, but his hair would always have a glamorously lustrous shine and healthy-looking bounce, no matter the situation! Whether he’s fighting the empire on a dirty space station, trudging through the desert on some barren wasteland planet while trying to escape Darth Vader, or fighting for dear life on some scalding hot volcanic moon somewhere, Naboo Shampoo always keeps his hair healthy and sexy looking! (And we see Chewbacca’s fur glowing radiantly with shimmering bounce and full body in every environment.) And it will work for you, too! (Unless you’re some Hut-like slug monster, or a lizard/dinosaur creature like Greedo.*)

Then there could be an ad for a strengthening shampoo that helps heal and prevent split ands and such, and the announcer could show us Chewbacca’s look when all his fur has split ends. And Chewy would look all silly and fuzzy, and everyone would giggle and/or look all shocked. Then the announcer would ask Chewbacca how he feels about split ends, and Chewy would roar with violent disapproval. Oh, but then he uses the new shampoo that heals his split ends, and he purrs with glee as his fur looks plusher than ever!

And, hey, how about a Wookie ad for a dandruff shampoo? In this spot, Chewbacca could walk around, and it would be like it was lightly snowing, with a thin layer of snow-like dandruff coating every surface! And who could fail to get that message? (And for those who did fail to understand it, perhaps some Empire or rebel janitor could come walk behind Chewbacca with a snow-blower or vacuum cleaner to clean up the layer of dandruff the Wookie’s fur leaves behind?) And so Chewbacca, Han Solo, Luke and Leia end up getting caught and executed because Chewy’s dandruff trail lets everyone know they’re there! Oh, but then our heroic Wookie character could get Head & Shoulders & The Rest of the Body Dandruff Shampoo, and then the dandruff issue would be solved!

* (Hey, maybe Greedo could sell weenie bikini swim suits called “Greedo’s Speedos”? People will be green with envy when they see his scaly sexiness in his Greedo Speedo!)

Frankenstein Perfume & Cologne?

There are a lot of horror movie fans and fans of gothic horror novels out there, and they spend lots of money on this horror hobby lifestyle. And there’s nothing many of these horror enthusiasts love more than dressing up in and accessorizing their favorite character costumes. And that’s why I think it’s time for a Frankenstein cologne (or perfume) for that realistic corpse-like aroma to really suspend your disbelief with all of your senses!

These odorific creations could be called “Frankenstink”, “Frank Stank”, or “Stankenstein”, and surely every Frankenstein fan would want and need to buy some, for truly no Frankenstein costume is complete without that freshly dug-up corpse smell! If you don’t smell the part, you’re just a poseur! That’s Stankenstein Cologne, Frank Stank Eau de Toilette, and Bride of Frankenstink Perfume: ask for them by name wherever unethical scientific human experimentation supplies are sold, and really bring your Frankenstein costume to life!

Doctors Encourage Teens to Take the Cinnamon Challenge

Doctors did what they knew would make every teenager in America take the Cinnamon Challenge: they warned teens not to do it, claiming it’s dangerous. Well, that’s as good as a dare for teenagers! Only a pansy would listen to a doctor at that age! Plus, whenever adults tell teenagers not to do something, it’s always only because it’s fun! Everybody knows that! I mean, come on: doctors always warn against drinking, smoking, drugs, sex, dangerous stunts, driving fast, playing violent video games, etc. We all know what that’s code for: fun. They just don’t want kids to have fun! So whenever a doctor warns teens not to do something, you can be sure that all the tough guys (or the ones who’d like to think they are tough, and feel a need to constantly prove it) will be taking the Cinnamon Challenge every weekend from now on! All right! (Even if it’s not fun, if it’s dangerous, teens will want to do it just to prove they’re tough.)

But seriously: Come on, doctors! Don’t you guys understand anything about teenagers yet? You used to be teenagers, didn’t you? So you ought to know! (Or were you cloned and grown in a pod until you were adult-sized?) If you want teenagers to stop doing something, get some lame square adult to say it’s really cool. So maybe doctors could come out and say something like: “Hey teens, you all know that drinking, smoking, smoking marijuana, driving fast, having sex, etc., is bad for you right? So why not take the Cinnamon Challenge instead? It’s the sure-fire way to have a good time doing something that’s super fun, cool, and above all, safe!” Then no self-respecting teenager would think it was in the least bit cool to do the Cinnamon Challenge! Are you kidding? Lame adults said it was cool and fun, so how could it be anything other than lame?

(BTW: My father told me that in the 1960s, the cool & hip thing for college kids to do was to go streaking. And then one night, Walter Cronkite reported on the CBS Evening News that the hot & hip thing for kids to do was to go streaking. And overnight, streaking ceased being cool, and everybody stopped doing it. As my father said: “For young people, whatever Walter Cronkite said was ‘in’ was automatically ‘out’!”)

Here’s the doctors’ dare:

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/wireStory/mds-warn-teens-cinnamon-challenge-19012867#.UXWbpUbZzok

CNN Hires The Situation to Host “The Situation Room”

Due to declining ratings and interest, and desperate for a hit show, Jeffrey Zucker at CNN has decided to fire Wolf Blitzer from The Situation Room and try hiring Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino to host instead. This change will hopefully raise the level of discourse and accuracy on CNN’s evening programming while attracting younger viewers for that all-important coveted youth advertising demographic. Plus, CNN feels that given the title of this news program, it’s simply misleading not to have it hosted by The Situation when it’s called “The Situation Room”. And really, that’s just obvious. (They’re lucky angry Jersey Shore fans didn’t sue them for false advertising long ago!)

The new show will have the news anchored from a set of a hot tub on the beach, with bikini-clad hotties and buff dudes with rock-hard abs galore adding colorful commentary in between beer bongs and Jell-O shots. The news will have the fun of Spring Break every day of your life! Who wouldn’t tune in for this kind of incisive news analysis and party atmosphere?

Let’s hope this new direction for CNN is every bit as successful for them as the rest of Jeffrey Zucker’s brilliant changes have been. He certainly made a big difference for NBC, so here’s hoping he can do the same thing for CNN!

HTC with BoomSound Facing the Right Way Ad

In this silly spot for HTC smartphones with BoomSound, we see musicians playing their electric guitars, drums, etc., with their backs to the camera. There are people practicing, a band playing live on stage, and a band recording in the studio. This is cute and all, but I don't think the people who made this ad understand what they're talking about. You see, these musicians are playing electric instruments through amplifiers and singing into microphones: it doesn't matter if they're facing the audience or not, it only matters which way the speakers are facing. And since this is an ad for a cell phone with speakers facing forward rather than backwards, it seems to me that it might have worked better to say it's more important which way the speakers face. We could see a band playing live, facing forward towards the audience, but with their amp stacks all facing backwards, and the sound comes out all muted. So then the ad says the speakers need to face the right way, forward, for the best sound, and that's what this new HTC phone does. See what I mean?

But if they really want to stick with this musicians playing instruments facing the wrong way as their visual image, that's fine. But in that case, they really ought to be playing acoustic instruments, like horns, acoustic guitars, etc. And the easiest and most effective way I can think of to show that would be with a marching band: first they're facing and marching away, and the sound is muted; and then they're marching towards us, and the sound is much crisper and more well defined. See how this might work better than people who are playing electric instruments?

Oh, and the shot of the recording studio is a bit silly, as instruments generally have microphones recording them, especially when it's electric instruments and drums. In the old days, bands might have played live with a couple of room mics, but nowadays most everything gets its own mic track, or it goes direct. And it doesn't matter which way you face when you play in the studio, unless you play a horn and you have to face the microphone.

Now, to be fair, they do have one guy playing an acoustic guitar in an apartment while facing away toward a window, and that's a good example. But they cheat in most of these little scenarios, because they have people playing electric instruments without amplifiers, and you wouldn't be able to hear them like that anyway. And singers on stage using microphones? I mean, really. It doesn't matter which way you face when you're holding a microphone up to your mouth, so this part of the ad is not only misleading, it's embarrassing. And with the recording studio, they're cheating as well, because it's all about where you place the microphones, not which direction you're standing. And in a lot of recording studio situations, musicians are playing in what's known as an isolation booth, and you can barely even see them from the control room, so the recording engineer talks through a little microphone directly into their headphones. So again, how about using a marching band to illustrate this idea? That way they wouldn't have to cheat and look silly to people who play electric instruments and have been to recording studios. (Honesty is the best policy when making an advertising pitch; because if we see that the scenario doesn't make sense, it tends to undermine our trust in the product from the get-go.)

Here's the speaker spinning spot:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ty83kl3H6xc

You know, there was a band in the 1980s called "The Jesus and Mary Chain", and they were famous for facing away from the audience when they played live concerts. Critics used to write about how it was so anti-social and nihilistic, and that they did it for effect to seem ambivalent or something; but the truth is, they used a lot of feedback in their songs, and you can get feedback a lot easier on electric guitar if you face your amplifier's speakers. And their amps were stacked up behind them, as usual for a live band. And that's why they were facing backwards. But even so, the audience heard the sound just as well as if they were facing forward, because again, they were using electric instruments, and the sound comes out of the stationary amplifier when you use an electric instrument. Besides the fact that all the amps are generally miked up too at a live show and mixed through a live board and then pumped through the PA system. So even if the stage amp was turned around backwards, at a concert, the audience would still hear the sound blasting through the PA system.

Whiten Your Teeth in Seconds!

I recently saw a TV commercial for Rembrandt toothpaste that claims it will whiten your teeth in just a few hours (!). Oh, but what if that's too long to wait for whiter teeth? What if you need whiter teeth in mere seconds? Well, it's your lucky day, because I have a way to get brilliantly white teeth in just seconds!

What's the secret? Why, it's paint! Simply rinse your mouth out with white latex house paint, swishing the paint especially well through your teeth, and spit it out. And voila, beautifully white teeth right away with no waiting!

Now, I hear some people complain that the rest of their mouth is white too, but hey, I never said it only made your teeth white. If you just smile and don't open your mouth, nobody can tell! And then, when you're finished, simply gargle with turpentine, and your mouth goes back to normal! What could be simpler?

(Warning, may cause death from poisoning! But, if you really want ultra-white teeth in a hurry, you won't let that stop you! After all, isn't having brilliantly white teeth more important than life itself?)

A Cappella University

There's an online school that's constantly advertising on television called Capella University. But how about A Cappella University? In this university, everyone has to sing everything all the time! Professors sing lessons to their students, students have to sing their papers and exams answers, etc. It's the most mellifluous university in the world! And students get expelled for being cacophonous. Also: there is no marching band, because a cappella does not use instruments. But there is a school a cappella group named after the school! That's A Cappella University: sing your application today!

Acura Luxury Ad

This luxurious new Acura commercial says: "You wake up in your luxury bed, and slide out of your luxury sheets, and get into your luxury shower, and dry off with your luxury towel... (etc.)" Wow, this is creepy! Are they like spying on me or something to know how much luxury I have bedazzling my life? Leave me alone, Acura! I'm too luxurious for you! (Just kidding. But I am serious when I say this car is definitely too luxurious for me! And since they're rubbing it in so much in this ad, how long will it be before these Acuras get keyed and such by people who cannot afford its luxurious price tag and feel teased and insulted by this advertising strategy? Why not just have the commercial come out and say: "It's so luxurious, you can't afford one. And even if you could, you're not classy enough for us to sell you one. Nyah, nyah!")

Here's the snobby spot:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T5PcNjHEM5I

Poison Pen Letters

The guy who (allegedly) sent those ricin-poisoned letters to the president and a few other government people apparently only did so to promote and get publicity for his new stationery and greeting card company: Poison Pen Letters. Yes, it's Poison Pen Letters, for when you hate enough to send the very worst! Most "poison pen letters" are just mean and rude, but they don't contain real poison, and are as such a case of deliberately false advertising! But when you buy stationery and greeting cards from Poison Pen Letters, you can be confident and secure in the knowledge that you'll be sending a really sickening message! And when you buy today, you'll also get the ricin ink pen: for writing literally "poison pen" letters! That's Poison Pen Letters Stationery & Greeting Cards: They'll just die when they read your letters!

Silly T. Rex Intro

I love the band T. Rex. But once, in New York City, years ago, while playing it for a friend who was an avowed metalhead guitarist, we heard the intro to one song, off of maybe the Electric Warrior or The Slider album, and it started off with the vocal intro: "A one, and a two, and a bobbley bobbley boo boo, yeah!" Well, my friend looked at me and said: "A bobbley bobbley boo boo? No." I think it was probably Marc Bolan's updating of the whole 1950s rock 'n' roll thing, with stuff like "Be bop a lu la", etc. But sometimes you can go slightly afar of the mark with such things. I remember Adam and the Ants doing a chant in a song that went: "Da diddley qua qua, da diddley qua qua, (etc.)", but somehow that one seemed to work. I guess you never know until people give you the old "Bronx Cheer".

(By the way, I would definitely recommend T. Rex to anyone who likes good music, whether they like metal, rap, country, etc. It's just good pop sensibilities. But the lyrics make no sense and are occasionally very silly.)

Press Conference Wheelchairs

Tonight, after the police had finally arrested the suspect #2 in the Boston Marathon bombing, there was a press conference; and in that press conference, the Mayor of Boston was in a wheelchair. They said he was in a wheelchair due to a traffic accident that broke his leg, but even so, his head was about at the same height level as everyone else's belt buckle (and there was a big crowd around him, so he was almost entirely getting lost from view in his own press conference). So I thought, surely there ought to be a wheelchair for press conferences that's like a high chair, or a bar stool, on wheels, where the person sitting in it would have their face at the same level as everyone else's. I mean, maybe it's going to have the same size wheels as the front wheel of an old penny farthing bicycle from the 1800s, or maybe it's a bar stool with casters on the legs, but somehow there's got to be a way to get them the gravitas they need for a press conference whether they've broken their leg or what. Or, how about a regular wheelchair with a scissor lift built into it so you can rise above the fray? The slogan could be: "Rise to the occasion and cut through the chatter with the scissor lift wheelchair!" Or: "The scissor lift wheelchair: for the high-minded politician!" (It would be perfect for spouting highfalutin rhetoric!)

Maybe there's a sweet no-bid government contract with some cushy deal to design and build such a thing? In fact, why am I asking you? I've got to swoop in for that no-bid contract while the not-bidding's good! (And naturally, the slogan for this press conference wheelchair company would be: "The high & mighty wheelchair that leaves you head & shoulders above the rest!" {Yes, you can get one on stilts to be taller than everyone else despite sitting down, if you really want to show everyone up!})

Or, hey, maybe everyone else should have to stand on their knees, or sit on the floor. After all, he is the mayor! The least they could do in a situation like this is not steal his thunder! (In the movie Anna & the King of Siam, nobody's head was allowed to be higher than the king's. Maybe the mayor could pass a similar law for press conferences while he's injured? Oh, but that's repressive, so I guess we'll just have to do the tall wheelchair idea, huh?)

Gun Control Political Ad (Proposed)

The events of the Boston Marathon Bombing have been pretty horrendous. But the death toll was still a lot lower than the usual spree shooting. And while this whole terrorism story was playing out across our TV screens, our Senate quietly voted down a bill that actually might have helped curtail gun violence a bit: expanded background checks. Now please understand that I get the arguments against this, but I think trying to help solve this very real problem is more important right about now. It's not really banning guns; it's just making sure they can't as easily fall into the wrong hands. Will it stop it all? No, but does that mean we can't try to stop it some? Some might help a lot. Because after all, we'll never hear about the spree shootings we prevent; but we will hear about the ones we don't. And will our family or loved ones be among the dead? (Oh, sorry, is that unfair to say? Answer me when your spouse or child or family member or friend has been gunned down.)

So here's my idea for a political ad for gun control to shake people out of their complacency on gun violence. (Warning: it might get offensive, but it's for a purpose. Oh, and generally speaking, I support gun rights. But we have to do something about this spree shooting thing, and the background checks are not much to ask, I think, to help, even if it's only a little bit.)

A news report mentions the bombing attacks on the Boston Marathon. Then we cut to a news talk show, like Piers Morgan (I generally hate him for being such an immature jerk when he needs to act like an adult to argue his points, but he is the big lighting rod for the gun lobby, so let's use him anyway), and he mentions bomb control, and some guest (from the {obviously fictional} NBA: The National Bomb Association) says: "Bombs don't kill people, people kill people." And then Piers Morgan rolls his eyes and argues back, and then we cut to a political ad by the NBA, saying: "You can take my bomb when you pry it from my cold, blown-off hands!" And then the announcer says: Does this scenario seem ridiculous or offensive to you? Well, that's how the families of gun violence feel when guns kill (whatever the statistics say percent-wise) more Americans every year than bombs, and yet we still do nothing about it!" And then the ad ends with the slogan: "Gun violence is terrorism: In a spree shooting, guns are the bomb."

(BTW: I'm sorry if this sounds cynical, whether you're being sensitive to the bombing victims, or you're a gun rights advocate. I don't want to take away gun rights, but we have to try to solve this spree shooting problem somehow. And I'm sorry if this is insensitive to bombing victims or their families: it's just that I would like to think of how to prevent further deaths and maiming, and gun attacks are really not so much different. But if we sought to curtail bomb materials, no-one would complain much; but guns? Forget it. And while, again, I support gun rights, it's pretty clear what kills more people each year. If only there was a way to try to make sure the wrong people didn't get guns, just like with bombs...)

Merit Discreet Delivery

There's a precious metals company that sells gold & silver called Merit Financial, and in their recent ads, they claim to ship you your gold "discreetly delivered to your door". But is this really enough of an illustration so that people are comfortable with this shipping policy? To really make people comfortable that it will be discreet, I think they need to be more specific, like, how about saying this instead: "At Merit, we ship you your orders discreetly to your door, like some embarrassing sex toy, or some order of perverted pornography." That way everyone could be sure they'd get their order. Because after all, if the wrong people find that sex toy, or that contraband porno, the company will never get to fill another order. And so if precious metals investment companies used the same shipping techniques as yucky sex companies, everyone would be too disgusted to even look into what was shipped, and everyone would get just what they ordered reliably! And who doesn't want reliability?

Michele Bachmann Is Performance Art?

People have been slandering Michele Bachmann recently, and I really feel I must speak up here, even if it ruins her act. And I'm sorry, Michele, if I'm spoiling it for you, but I just don't think people are appreciating what you're trying to do. Because many liberal news people, from Anderson Cooper and other CNN reporters, to MSNBC and even Bill Maher, have been pretty vicious in their condemnation of Michele Bachmann lately, claiming that she's making up facts, intentionally lying, being generally crazy, etc. But this is just an outright distortion here, although Michele might like this response even better anyway. You see, the thing is, Michele Bachmann can't actually be held to such a realistic factual standard, because she is (sorry to ruin it) really only performance art.

The fact is, Michele Bachmann doesn't really exist: she's a character played by a comedian who stays in character all the time, kind of like when Andy Kaufman did the whole wrestling thing with Jerry Lawler in the early 1980s. Nobody understood that wrestling joke either at the time, but now everybody thinks it was brilliant. Well, in a few years down the road, everyone's going to laugh and laugh about Michele Bachmann, and how clever it all was to get elected as a make-believe exaggerated conservative know-nothing candidate who pulled facts out of thin air and stuff and really was in Congress. It's the ultimate in performance art! But we won't even get the chance to really appreciate it in all its ironic comedic glory if people let the cat out of the bag now! Once everyone knows it's just a character, like Ali G., or Borat, nobody will even believe in it enough to appreciate the fine subtle parody of the persona, or the fact that she pulled the wool over everyone's eyes for so long. And that would be a shame, after she got away with it for so long!

Look, how could anyone really believe that there was actually a Republican politician who was so extreme in her conservatism, and despite being devoutly anti-gay, she still managed to marry an obviously gay man who, on top of it all, purportedly runs a Christian gay conversion therapy business? It's obviously just a joke! What else could it be? You can't honestly fall for that, can you? It's just going to make everyone who fell for it look that much stupider when she and her gay comedian friend finally break character, once her "Michele Bachmann" character eventually loses a re-election race, and go on a comedy club tour to expose the whole act! Man, a lot of people are sure going to be embarrassed when that happens! (It is just a performance art character, right? It's the only thing that makes sense!)

So I guess what I'm saying is this: Please, liberal pundits and critics, stop asking Michele Bachmann to produce her sources, or else everyone is going to catch on that this is just a character she's playing. Because after all, when so much stuff someone says ends up being made up, surely even true believers will end up catching on, right? And that will spoil the surprise for everyone. Because after all, something like this is only funny as long as people believe in it, and the more people catch on, the less funny it is later on. So please news people, don't spoil this wonderful performance art joke for future generations by being too picky about answers and facts and references from Michele Bachmann; otherwise, you're going to ruin all her hard work to get this character far enough to really critique our contemporary conservative culture. (Seriously, without a joke performance art character to prove it was really like this, no-one will ever believe there were people like this in future generations. And remember, we can only avoid repeating our past mistakes if we remember them!)

Ambien "Fast Asleep" (Joke) Ad

Ambien is a prescription sleeping pill with the well-known and somewhat odd potential side effect of causing something known as "sleep driving", where a person goes driving while asleep, and they don't even remember doing it later. Well, this is a fairly alarming-sounding side effect, but since everybody already knows about it, it's too late to try to hide it. So why not try to tout it as a good thing that's a desirable quality no other sleep aid can produce?

Promoting sleep driving as a selling point for Ambien could be achieved by having a race car driver appear in an ad, like maybe Kyle Busch or Danica Patrick, driving around super fast in his/her race car during a race while sound asleep and snoring, with a pillow behind their head. And we see them win the race, driving under the waving checkered flag while still fast asleep and drooling on their shirt! And they keep driving at full speed after the checkered flag, so their pit crew has to wake them up using one of those air-horn-in-a-can thingies, and then they wake to find they have won the biggest trophy of the season! And then we see them, yawning and stretching, up at the winner's podium; but rather than drinking champagne out of the champion's cup, they're drinking coffee out of it, or eating cereal with milk, because they've just woken up. And maybe they could even be wearing a pajamas-with-attached-feet version of their racing outfit, just to stress the whole idea that they've been asleep the whole time while they were driving. And the slogan could say something like: "Ambien makes you go "fast asleep"!"

If they made an ad like this, I'll bet Ambien would quickly become the #1 prescription sleep aid of NASCAR fans! And then Formula 1, IndyCar, and drag racing would be the next markets to conquer with Ambien racing ads! How could it fail to sell like hot cakes, being the only racing-inspired sleep aid? Maybe they could even have a promotion where you can send away for a free Ambien racing helmet or pit crew uniform with a certain number of empty prescription bottles, like breakfast cereals used to do when I was a little kid. (And I guess they could have an Ambien Racing Series, where everyone who races has to be sleep driving on Ambien to qualify, and no racers would even be allowed to be awake for the race. Now that's some excitement right there!)

Coal Soccer (Joke) Ad

In this (joke) ad for the coal industry, a soccer player, wearing a jersey with the name of a coal company or lobbying group (maybe EnergyTomorrow?) on it, dribbles a ball (which is actually a big round piece of coal) towards the goal (which is the mouth of a big furnace with a smokestack sticking up above it). The soccer player takes a shot at the goal, and the shot beats the goalkeeper, who is some environmental activist (in fact, the soccer player beats a number of players on the defense, all of whom are anti-coal activists, as well as the goal keeper), and the large piece of coal slams into the goal, causing the coal ball the ignite and start a raging inferno inside the furnace/goal, causing thick black smoke to pump forth from the smokestack. And upon the scoring of this goal, the soccer game commentator screams: "Co-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-oal!" And the crowd goes wild with cheers and jeers, with the crowd being made up of environmentalists on one side, and coal workers with those trademark coal miner's hats (with the lights on them) on, and with coal miner suits on, and with dirty black coal dust covering their faces, on the other side. And while this is all happening, the announcer talks about how new "clean coal" technology is defeating opposition from environmentalists and conservationists, silencing critics, and reaching America's "goal" of affordable energy with minimal emissions and air pollution. (Of course, what we see completely belies the veracity of the "clean coal" claims, and after cheering for the coal goal, everyone in the crowd coughs awful black lung coughs and try to fan the billowing thick black smoke pouring forth from the smokestack away from their faces as they wheeze and choke from the swirling noxious vapors wafting about the stadium.)

Lone Ranger Silver Investment Ad (Movie Tie-In Ad)

Well, there's a new movie version of The Lone Ranger coming out soon, and seeing as how the Lone Ranger has a trusted horse named "Silver", why not use this propitious occurrence as an opportunity to tie an ad campaign about investing in silver (the precious metal) into the movie?

So the spot would open with the Lone Ranger escaping some dangerous situation and defeating some bad guys while riding his trusty heroic horse Silver, after which the Lone Ranger rides up to the camera and says: "Hi, I'm the Lone Ranger. There's just nothing I trust more to get me through tough, uncertain times than Silver here (patting his horse on the neck). And just like I can depend on Silver to keep me safe, so can you depend upon silver to help you weather turbulent and threatening financial times. Silver is completely dependable and trustworthy. It has great value, a value that lasts and stands the test of time, while greatly increasing your investment. So if you want to secure your future, put your trust in silver; I know I do!" (While he is speaking, he pulls a small leather satchel out from around his waist, and he opens it, and pours silver coins into his hand, after which the shot cuts to a still frame of stacks of silver coins in front of a safe with the logo and name of the company the commercial is for, and then to a chart of the rising value of silver over time in recent years.)

Then the Lone Ranger spurs his horse, exclaiming: "High goes Silver, hooray!", and he rides away, off into the sunset. (Or maybe: "Buy more Silver, today!", and he rides off into the sunset.)

Tana Twist (Joke) Ad

There's a product called Tena Bladder Control Pads, and the ads show older women dancing around doing a version of the Twist, demonstrating that no urine leaks out even if the wearer is dancing around while severely incontinent. Well, this so-called "Tena Twist" made me think of something else that is a bit arcane: Tana leaves and the tea brewed from them, which naturally bring horror movie mummies back to life to seek revenge and stuff on infidels who plunder the tombs of ancient Egyptian pharaohs for spoils and whatnot. And so naturally I thought the Tena Twist could become the Tana Twist for a silly joke ad for Tana leaf tea and the mummies who drink it. And so a couple of mummies, shown one at a time, could dance around doing the Twist in slow, lumbering movements while twisting Tana leaves into some drinking vessel with dry ice smoke creeping spookily over the edges, held by the vice-like grip of a mummy's bandage-wrapped hand. And once the mummies drink from their cup, they become much more agile and energetic in their dancing of the Twist, whereupon they stalk out into the night, with fog-billowing tea cup in hand, to hunt down and twist the necks of those guilty grave-despoilering archaeologists (!). And as the mummies twist the heads off of their abject, helpless prey, the song plays along mockingly, singing about the "Tana Twist": the Tana tea, the mobile mummies, the mummies' twisting of the victims' necks, and the resulting twisted countenance of the mummies' unlucky victims.

Sexcereal Slogan

There's a product called Sexcereal that has been getting some special attention lately, on the news, and on The Colbert Report. This cereal claims to give people gender-specific nutritional help for extra sexy performance, and it also claims to be "the first food product to go viral". (Um, a simple suggestion here: the purported accuracy of this statement, and the trendiness of the expression "go viral" notwithstanding, I would seriously recommend against using the expression "go viral" to describe any product having to do with sex. There are a lot of negative connotations to something going viral in sex. Get it?)

Well, this cereal seems to have been marketed like crazy and promoted to the hilt, but I think they've somewhat missed the mark with the slogan, which is: "Sexcereal: Fuel Your Fire", or: "The world's most Passionate Cereal!" Well, I think they have overlooked the considerably catchier: "Sexcereal: Get some breakfast nookie", or: "Sexcereal: For your breakfast nookie". (And you know, the breakfast nookie is the most important nookie of the day!) {<They could actually use that idea too for fun effect as a play on the well-known claim that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. And they could also say it's for "Break-sex-fast".}

I think they are overthinking this marketing strategy as like some sort of GNC-type workout fuel source. Most guys will probably eat this and last only a minute anyway, and that would have built the whole thing up completely unrealistically as some miracle power source for long lasting loving. If it's a disappointment, people will remember the hard sell and the serious tone, and they will think it's a gyp. But if they used a fun, lighthearted tone, simply the idea of the cereal might be enough to encourage some additional closeness for couples, but with no performance pressure or anxiety, and even if it's underwhelming, the whole thing would be suffused with such a fun attitude that it might continue to sell itself anyway because of the frisky fun feel. I think a silly and warm and lighthearted approach would work far better here, honestly. Unless they think only nutrition-obsessed fitness workout nuts would be their core market. (Of course, with their marketing approach, I think that's mostly what they're aiming for, and pretty much solely what they're likely to get.)

I would be interested to see what would happen if this product were to be marketed like they are marketing it on the Sexcereal website, and also marketed like I am suggesting here. I think it would be pretty instructive to see what the response would be to each marketing strategy. I just think that the exercise workout energy supplement feel of this current approach would tend to turn off people who are not gym types, and that gym types probably don't need anything remotely like Sexcereal to be able to perform well in bed at any time of the day or night. And of course, young people don't need it at all anyway either, so it would really be more of a novelty product anyway, I'd think. But most of all, with the approach they are using in their marketing, I think they're wasting the whole point of calling the product Sexcereal to begin with, because if you're not going to really go with the sex angle in a playful or suggestive manner, why bother? It seems to me that their advertising approach (from what I have seen of it) is like a woman wearing a sexy skimpy bikini on top of a t-shirt and shorts: what's the point? If you're not getting frisky or ribald with your marketing, why bother referencing sex at all? It defeats the whole point of using sex in/as your branding if you soft-pedal it in your marketing. It's like marketing a badass muscle car as a commuter carpool vehicle crawling through stop-and-go rush hour traffic in the ads: you are throwing away the whole selling point of this product from the get-go when you take such a conservative approach.

Here are further examples of possible Sexcereal slogans to show you what I mean: "Sexcereal: Get it up when you get up" and: "Sexcereal: Wakes up your libido" or: "Sexcereal: Feed your libido". Or maybe: "Sexcereal: The most important meal of the lay".

Here's the link to their website, where you can see the fitness-oriented marketing strategy:

http://www.sexcereal.com