Sunday, March 31, 2013


We all know about Sodom & Gomorrah, right? They were both destroyed by God around the same time, purportedly for their wickedness. And surely we all know that the term sodomy comes from the name of Sodom. But what about gomorrahy? What's that? Is it even more unspeakably wicked than sodomy? Or is it just that Sodom's wickedness was purely sexual in nature, while Gomorrah's wickedness was based on something else, like greed, or pride, or murder, or whatnot? And because of our natural prurience, we tend to be more interested in the sodomy stuff, so the gomorrahy stuff has been lost to history? But I'll bet there are an awful lot of gomorrites out there, even if we no longer remember what that actually means.

Easter Double Feature

TCM had a double dose of Jesus movies for Easter today: King of Kings, and The Greatest Story Ever Told. But I was hoping for them also to include The Last Temptation of Christ and The Passion of the Christ. And then it struck me what an ironic Easter double feature those two movies would make, because both of them together has something to outrage just about everyone. The Last Temptation of Christ seems to make devout Christians, especially Catholics, fuming mad (I don't know why: I think it's well done and contains nothing really objectionable when seen within its proper context), and The Passion of the Christ makes lots of different groups of people furious for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is because it was made by Mel Gibson. And isn't that what Easter is really all about: making everyone mad at each other?

Baba Ganoush Ad Song

Hey, how about a silly ad campaign for some brand of baba ganoush? They could have a (fictitious) band called Bob & The Ganoushes sing an altered version of the Beach Boys' song "Barbara Ann", with the words changed to:

Ba ba ba, ba ba ganoush,
Ba ba ba, ba ba ganoush,

It's deliciooous,
It's got me chompin' and a chewin', flavor sends me reelin', baba'ganoush (ba ba, ba ba ganoush).

Here's the Beach Boys' "Barbara Ann":

New Miracle Whip Slogan?

Well, it's Easter weekend, and so some cable TV channels are showing religious shows about early Christianity and such, which reminded me of the self-flagellation stuff the middle aged monks used to do. And that stuff about whipping, combined with the idea of miracles, made me think of Miracle Whip. So, putting these ideas together, I thought there might be a new Miracle Whip slogan in there somewhere. So how about something like this: "Miracle Whip: Flagellates Your Mouth with Flavor!" Or, how about: "Miracle Whip: A Fanciful Flagellation of Flavor!" Or, maybe even: "Miracle Whip: The Flavorful Flagellation!" Or: "Miracle Whip: The Modern Self-Flagellation."

But it could also be taken in another direction, like so: "Miracle Whip: Whips Your Sandwich into Shape, Tastes Like a Miracle!" Or: "Whip Up a Miracle with Miracle Whip!" (Or as: "Miracle Whip: Whip Up a Miracle!")

And speaking of Whipping things while thinking of Miracle Whip, how about using Devo's "Whip It" as the ad slogan song for Miracle Whip in some TV spots? Or maybe "Let It Whip" by The Dazz Band. But unless they've already done this idea before (I haven't seen it, but maybe I missed it), I think using the slogan: "Whip It Good", and using the Devo song "Whip It" as an ad campaign for Miracle Whip would be a lot of fun, and it would be totally memorable. They could even change some of the lyrics, like so:

When a sandwich comes along, you must whip it!
Even if it's a footlong, you must whip it!
Just slather it right on, you must whip it! (Or: If it tastes bland and wrong, you must whip it!)
I said whip it! Whip it good!

Charlton Heston Movies Very Much in Demand This Weekend

I'm not trying to pile on Jim Carrey for his Cold Dead Hand video, but I couldn't help but notice that Charlton Heston movies are very much in demand this weekend. Yep, it's Easter weekend, and you know what that means: Charlton Heston movies galore on a variety of channels (but especially on TCM)! There was The Ten Commandments yesterday. Today there's Ben-Hur and The Greatest Story Ever Told. All three of these movies are huge family classic Biblical epics pretty much loved far and wide across the country, and you'll see them every Christmas and every Easter. So I guess the lesson here is that if you want to bash Charlton Heston for his NRA stuff, and you want to say nobody watches his movies anymore, maybe it would be better to do it around the end of summertime, because that's when people are least likely to remember these movies. Of course, he did make a lot of other great movies that get played on TV, streamed through the Internet, and rented on DVD and BluRay, etc., all the time, so maybe the time is never really right to convince people that nobody likes Charlton Heston movies anymore. I would still like them even if he stood for everything I didn't like, because it's not the movies' fault: what the actors believe in their private lives outside of the movies is of no concern to me while I'm watching the movies.

But you know, there's an epidemic of gun violence in America right now, plus we have a very disturbing trend of the government taking away our once sacrosanct Constitutional rights at an extremely rapid pace, both of which are really harmful to the country, and so it's no surprise that these issues have lots of people vehemently opposing each other's agendas. But what is not harming the country is a silly parody video on a comedy website. Maybe it's in bad taste to some, and I think those offended by it make plenty of valid points, but Jim Carrey isn't passing a new law to take away everyone's guns; he's just making fun of the issue from a gun control perspective, and people don't have to watch it if they don't want to. I'm a Charlton Heston fan and it didn't offend me. And despite the fact that Heston is dead and unable to "defend himself", etc., it's only natural that Carrey's song would target Charlton Heston because he's the most famous gun rights guy and everyone will instantly recognize his name and his NRA stuff (plus, Carrey is also a showbiz guy, as was Heston, so it's a natural reference for him to make). Was it crude and disrespectful? Yeah, I guess. But it was a joke. It may have an agenda behind it, but it's still a joke. I joke about both sides of this issue myself because people are so inflexible on each side and it lends itself well to parody. Gun violence and the erosion of our rights are harming us; jokes are not.

Saturday, March 30, 2013

Kingsford Match Light Charcoal Pregnant Ad

I was watching The Bible on History, but I had to break away for a minute when I saw this ad for Kingsford Charcoal. Wow, what a great way to communicate the idea that you can get it lit and going easily! In fact, what's a better way to illustrate it? This man's pregnant wife has a craving at 2:00 a.m., and so he has to get up and make her a charbroiled steak; which would be a pain in the ass if the charcoal didn't light easily, etc. But obviously it must, because pregnant women get cravings, and they want stuff pretty quickly when they get the cravings (I remember some of my friends' pregnancy cravings, as well as my sister's pregnancy's pretty well.), plus this guy must be dead tired in the middle of the night on a work night (!). So they don't even have to tell us about how well it works, how quickly and easily it lights, etc. All they have to do is show us this really sweet scenario, and everyone who knows will just get it instantly, without any intrusive hard sell. Wow, what a great job!

Here's the creative charcoal commercial: (Joke) Feud Ad

In this (joke) ad for, two men would independently look into their family trees, discover that their ancestors were one engaged in a famous family feud in the olden days (sort of like the Hatfields & the McCoys), and so they seek each other out to talk about this fascinating newfound discovery. But once they meet each other, they instantly dislike one another, and after getting into a heated argument and a fight, their families all get involved in the fight, which becomes an enormous, brutal brawl. And this brawl, caused by two people looking up their ancestry on, brings this huge notorious family feud back to life, rekindling it anew, leading to all manner of murder and mayhem and destruction of lives and property galore for generations to come. Which just goes to show you: like they say, you never know what you'll find when you look up your family tree on!

Products from the Dysphemistic Dairy

Yes, it's the Dysphemistic Dairy, serving the dairy needs of pessimists and misanthropists! Do you see the world as sour milk? Then try our products!

New products from the Dysphemistic Dairy:

Assault Yogurt: Yogurt made from a culture of violence. (It tastes like a punch to the gut!)

Shoot 'Em Up Yogurt: Yogurt from an American gun culture. (Blasts your mouth with flavor!)

Crude Curds: A foreclosed cottage cheese curdled by a culture of corruption.

Sourpus Skim Milk: Skim milk extra-soured with the dejectedness of neglect and the bitterness of everyday experience.

Melancholy Milk: Drown your sorrows in a glass of extra-fatty milk guaranteed to bring you down whilst widening your waist.

Half Empty & Half Sour Cream: The creamer for people who see the glass as half empty, even when it's completely full.

Yes, that's Dysphemistic Dairy products: If things are looking down, it's got to be a Dysphemistic Dairy Day! Or: If things are looking down, drink it down: The Dysphemistic Dairy.

Brought to you by the Dysphemistic Dairy: From the land of sour milk and killer bee honey.

Slogans to Demonize Salt & Sugar

Salt and sugar sure are getting a bad rap lately, with all these nutritionists and research scientists bashing them both left and right everywhere you look. Well, after watching part of the HBO movie Phil Spector, and seeing protesters holding that old staple religious sign that says: "The Wages of Sin Is Death", it struck me that if salt and sugar are really so noxious, nefarious, pernicious and depraved, we're going to need people to protest against them. And in order to have the protests make an impact, we're going to need some good slogans to demonize salt and sugar. So why not use this sin slogan against salt and sugar?

Here are the slogans for protests signs I'd recommend for protesters to use to bully food manufacturers who use too much salt and sugar with:

The Wages of Salt Is Death!
A Food in Salt is a Food Insult!
Salt Breeds Bad Saltation!
Ex-Salting Leads to Exalting!
Ex-Salted Foods Are Exalted Goods!

The Wages of Sugar Is Diabetes!
Sugar Is Sweet & Sickening! (Literally!)
Sugar Breeds the Rotten Sweetness of Corruption!
Sugar Must Be Policed Before We're All Obese!
The Sweet Tooth Is Rotten to the Core!
A Sugar Rush to Judgment Day!
A Sugar Buzz Cuts Your Life Short!

Unhealthy Affectionate Nicknames

More and more research scientists are coming forward to proclaim the deleterious effects of sugar on humans. This has a big impact upon the way we look at what we eat, but it has an even bigger impact upon how we refer to our loved ones. And the more we understand sugar to be bad for our health, the more inappropriate it will be to refer to sweetness or sources of sweetness in affectionate or positive terms. And pretty soon, calling someone something like: "Sugar", "Honey", "Sweet", "Sweetness", etc., will be considered a vicious and slanderous smear, seeing as how sugar is supposedly so bad for people; and as such, it will be like calling someone: "cancerous", "evil", "deadly", "immoral", etc. And so whenever anyone uses words describing sweetness or sugary flavor to indicate something positive, protesters will have to throw a bucket of high-frusctose corn syrup or honey over their heads as a punishment (or at least shaking up sugary sodas and spraying them with the sticky liquid), embarrassing them and ruining everything they touch with the sticky maliciousness they referenced, and showing everyone who it was who was depraved enough to speak such an expression with the evil intent of equating sugar with goodness or love. (I guess it's a good thing nobody ever used "salty" as an expression of affection, huh? Because salt is supposedly bad for us as well. So at least we won't have to scrub salty talk from our language, as "salty talk" is already understood to be naughty.)

Peter Paul (The Candy Company Name)

There's a candy company called: "Peter Paul". I never really thought about it before, but after all this talk of sugar causing obesity and diabetes lately, it suddenly struck me why a candy company would be called Peter Paul: It's a warning! (Or, a warning of sorts, anyway.)

You see, the people behind this candy company knew their products were going to make everyone fat and sick and stuff, and they felt a bit guilty about this, so they wanted to warn people, at least subliminally; after all, if they just came out and called the company: "Obesity Bars", nobody would buy them, and they wanted people to buy their products. But they would have felt bad if they didn't at least give people a hint about their candy's tendency to make people obese, so they put the hint in their company name: "Peter Paul".

Using the name Peter Paul is a hint because the famous painter who is so well known for painting overweight people's name is Peter Paul Rubens, after whom the word "Rubenesque", meaning a plump figure, was coined. But if they called their company Rubenesque, it would be too obvious that their candy would make you plump, so they decided on using his first and middle names instead: "Peter Paul". That way you could figure it out if you wanted to, but you could ignore it too, if you felt like it.

(Of course this is just a joke, and they probably named their company Peter Paul for no such reason whatsoever. But it is a funny coincidence that the man whose pleasingly plump painted figures inspired the word "Rubenesque" has as his first and middle name the same two names that make up the name of a famous candy company, isn't it?)

Friday, March 29, 2013

Arias Sings Arias

America is fascinated with alleged murderer Jodi Arias, watching every moment with bated breath, apparently. I even heard, while channel surfing yesterday, HLN claim that if you watch their coverage of the trial, you “won’t miss a second” of the action. Really, we need to witness every second? Wow, that’s big!

Yes, news channels, especially HLN with their grim “Murder TV” approach (they ought to just change their name to “Murder TV”) have won a ratings bonanza, raking in the money over this heinous crime and frankly sad end to the life of a fellow human being. But don’t think about that! There’s money to be made here! (Cha-Ching! {<Cash register sound effect.})

And that’s why I’m suggesting the following musical recording product: Arias Sings Arias. Yes, Jodi Arias, alleged brutal murderer, would sing arias from murderous female characters from some of the most blood-soaked operas of all time! Think of how moving it would be to hear Lady MacBeth’s part from MacBeth, or the Queen of the Night from Die Zauberflöte, sung by a woman who really has killed someone in a horrible manner! And there would be lots more, too!

Yes, it’s Arias Sings Arias: Order yours today!

Fraudulent Trades Shades

Rumor has it that Foster Grant sunglasses is planning a new high-end line of sunglasses for the Wall Street trader market. The new line will reportedly be called: “Fraudulent Trades Shades”, and the slogan will be a new twist on the classic and well-worn Foster Grant slogan: “Is that you behind those Fraudulent Trades?” They’re the perfect brand of sunglasses for credit default swap designers and fraudsters that due to political donations and their “too big to fail” institutions always manage to get away with their crimes!

Attack Helicopter Parents

A panel discussion on HLN about our failing schools revealed how overbearing parents are keeping many school students from learning well. Apparently so-called “helicopter parents” are bullying teachers, threatening teachers with bodily harm, and trying to get the teachers fired if their children don’t get straight A’s. And if the kids’ grades ever go down, the teachers get blamed, rather than the students, so the students learn to get lazy and over-entitled.

Now, the teachers were the one saying this, and they said this behavior from parents like this is ruining their children’s chance at getting a good education or learning important life lessons such as the fact that actions have consequences, and that it’s become a really big problem lately.

So I propose a new term for parents like this: “Attack Helicopter Parents”. And seeing as how they are reportedly not only overbearing, but also threatening and violently obsessive, I really think this new term is necessary for its additional descriptiveness, and in this way, teachers and school administrators can quickly and easily warn each other about prospectively threatening parents without having to refer to them by name or explain further what to expect.


CNN reports that Viagra is turning 15, and with this anniversary comes the question of why there isn’t a pill for women. The truth is, big pharma has been trying like crazy to find a female Viagra. The problem is partly that Viagra doesn’t make men have desire (they’re horny all the time already), so much as it just lets them get a boner. Women don’t need to get a boner, so this kind of thing doesn’t work with them.

But in this news story about women’s sex drugs (sex & drugs, man!) they referenced a product for women called: “LibiGel”, and they demonstrated it for a female reporter at CNN. They just squirted a little dab on her arm, and she rubbed it in, and they said that was the dose for 24 hours. (<I wonder if they were hoping it would work on her right there. And what if it did? Maybe the story would have been more embarrassing?) But if it’s a gel, why not use it as a lube? That way they could call it: “LibiLube”, or maybe: “Lubido”. And isn’t that catchier than LibiGel?

But if LibiGel makes women horny and more likely to sleep with someone they would regret sleeping with later, maybe they could call it: “LibiD’oh!” (<Like what Homer Simpson says when he screws up.)

Deathbed Press

Apparently Nicolaus Copernicus, the guy who came up with the conception of the solar system set up the way it really is, heliocentric, with the sun at the center, and the Earth revolving around it in an orbit like the other planets, and the moon orbiting the Earth, thought his theory would so shake up the order of things that he arranged for it to be published right around his death, presumably so he couldn’t get in trouble with the Church for heresy or whatnot. And this made me think of something…

Why not have a publishing company called Deathbed Press, and it would publish books for people to be published right around or immediately after their deaths. That way, the authors could write about things that might have gotten them in trouble during their lifetimes, but which contain important things for posterity to know about. Like, say, some suppressed information, the revelation of some important someone’s secretive corruption, the admission that the author had committed a murder or some elaborate hoax or fraud or crime during their lives, etc. And no matter what they wrote, they couldn’t be sued for defamation, nor for violating any oaths of secrecy or confidentiality, because they wouldn’t have released the information during their lifetimes, but the information would get out all the same.

And Deathbed Press, the company that publishes this stuff, would be immune from prosecution because they would simply be executing someone’s last will and testament by publishing the book that it was the author’s dying wish to publish. And if funds were left in the author’s will to pay for the publication, Deathbed Press could actually end up being not a company, but a name for a method of releasing important information after death, but always using the same name and logo impression on the books. Now wouldn’t that be interesting?

The Political Correctness Pillory

Almost every morning on the news, especially on CNN, there is coverage of something someone said that’s supposedly offensive, and so they say (or show) what the person said, and then they have a big panel discussion about it to teach everyone the ever-evolving rules of political correctness regarding what is and what is not acceptable to say, and all the double-standards about who is and who is not allowed to say what stuff.* But does this really go far enough? I think people would learn far better what they’re not allowed to say if they were pilloried literally, rather than figuratively, for what they said.

And what better way to do this than to put them in the Political Correctness Pillory? It would be a regular pillory like from Puritan times, and the person would have the offending remark they said printed on a poster that they wear around their neck so that everyone could clearly see what it was they said that they’re being punished for, and that this very same punishment will befall anyone else who says this kind of thing. And everyone else could get in on the fun, punishing the dastardly sayer of whatever nefarious sentence, phrase, or term was uttered. It’s just the right thing to do. (At the very least, CNN could create a graphic of the person in question with their head Photoshopped into a pillory, and with the thing they said on a sign hung around their neck.)

* (It might be easier if everyone was treated equally, but I guess then they wouldn’t get to have fun with their panel discussions.)

Thursday, March 28, 2013

“Drunkorexia” Liquor & Beer Ads? (And “Vitamin Booze”)

CNN reports more college students are eating less so that they can drink more (and presumably feel the effects of the alcohol more intensely), referring to this as “drunkorexia”. But if this is really happening, and is becoming a trend, then shouldn’t beer and liquor companies advertise the nutritional value of their booze & beer so that drunk college wastoids can make an informed decision about which alcoholic beverage to buy such that they have a balanced diet despite only drinking alcoholic beverages as a source of food intake? It’s just the responsible thing to do! Um, isn’t it?

Hey, how about this: Vitamin Booze! There’s Vitamin Water, so why not Vitamin Booze? It would have a full day’s recommended daily allowance of all the important vitamins and minerals that people need to be healthy, and it would be a hard liquor, where the more you drink, the more healthy benefits you get from all the vitamins and stuff. So the slogan could be: “Binge drinking has never been healthier!” (Hey, the FDA okays all kinds of quack supplements and other dangerous crap, so why wouldn’t they approve a healthy drinking choice like this? Okay, maybe a “healthy” drinking choice.) Plus, it would keep you nice and thin, assuming you never eat any solid food. (And who needs solid food when you have Vitamin Booze?) It’s the only way liquor could really compete with beer as a food, nutritionally speaking.

And speaking of beer, it’s really a lot like a liquid bread that gets you drunk, so it’s got some nutritional value. Perhaps beer companies can advertise about how their product is really like eating solid food and drinking alcohol at the same time, saving you time and effort from cooking and chewing and such. Man cannot live on bread alone, but he sure can live on beer alone! Unless he’s a pansy. (<That should be the slogan for such an ad campaign: “Man cannot live on bread alone, but he sure can live on beer alone! Unless he’s a pansy.”)

I wonder if the government will add liquor as a food group? Then they can add it to the pyramid and peer-pressure college-aged people to drink a certain number of drinks every day or else they’re not getting enough partying, which is dangerous for your health!

This is “drunkorexia”:


There’s a testosterone product called “AndroGel”. But is that name really good for such a product? It sounds like it will make you androgynous if you take it. What this product needs is a name that will make people think it will make you more manly. So I think it should be called “Machismol” (from the word machismo). And the slogan could be: “Make More Machismo with Machismol”, or: “Man Up with Machismol!” Or, maybe it could be called “Manupol” (from the term “man up”, but pronounced Man-you-pol), and the slogan could be: “Man Up with Manupol”, or: “Manually Man Up to the Man You Can Be with Manupol”.

Hall & Oats

Yes, I know what you’re thinking: “It’s Hall & Oates”. But no, this is for a (joke) ad for Quaker Oats! Yes, apparently John Oates wasn’t high enough in fiber and good enough for Daryl Hall’s heart, so he broke up Hall & Oates and formed the new project: Hall & Oats, the partnership between Daryl Hall & Quaker Oats.

New hits from Hall & Oats include: “Oateater”, “Private Oats”, “Rich Oatmeal Girl”, and many, many more!

Some of the “Oateater” lyrics are:

Oats, oats, here they come,
Watch out, oats, I’ll eat you up!
Oats, oats, here they come,
I’m an oat eater!

Here’s the original Hall & Oates song “Maneater”:

And some of the “Private Oats” lyrics are:

I eat you, you’re good for me,
And you’re lowering my cholesterol for me,
Oats, yeah, you’ve got to know,
That you taste so darn good, and you’re just so healthy for my heart.

When I walk market aisles, you can’t escape my eyes!

Private oats, I’m eating you, you’re in my every meal!
Private oats, they’re good for you,
Quaker O-o-oats, I’m wanting you, wanting you, wanting you…

(“Private Oats” could promote a new upscale “Private Stock” Quaker Oats product.)

Here’s the original Hall & Oates song “Private Oats”, um, I mean, uh, “Private Eyes”:

Dirty Harriet

The gun rights groups like to encourage women to protect themselves with guns, but some women are squeamish about guns. So what they need is a movie to show women how they can kick ass with guns. All the good gun movies have male protagonists, so it’s no wonder women are not as much of gun nuts as men. But we can change all that with the right action movie with a gun-toting heroine. And the right name for this project is: “Dirty Harriet”.

Yes, Dirty Harriet would walk the streets just hoping someone messes with her. And when someone does mess with her, she makes a mess out of them with her enormous handgun, blowing them to bits. Yes, it’s Dirty Harriet: Go ahead and make her day!

Bill O’Reilly’s Next Book

After Killing Jesus, which is forthcoming on September 24, 2013, Bill O’Reilly’s next book, from what I understand, will be Seducing Clinton. And Nat Geo is already planning the movie adaptation of this book for their adults only pay cable channel: Nat Geo Gone Wild.

News Psychics

I have lamented before on this blog about how silly a waste of time it is for news channels to talk for days and days about what’s going to happen in an election or a court decision, etc. I was reminded again today about this when CNN asked Jeffrey Toobin to predict the outcome of the Supreme Court challenge to DOMA. He said that his record is not very good at accurately predicting what the Supreme Court is going to decide (despite being an “expert” on the Supreme Court who has written a book about them), and I heartily agree: he’s wrong a lot! (Which begs the question of why he’s an “expert”, but whatever…) So then why bother asking him what the ruling is going to be? Why not report on other news until the Supreme Court announces their ruling, and then tell us then? Isn’t all this silly prognostication a complete and utter waste of time for everyone involved that necessarily denies the news-hungry public the actual news that they’ve tuned in to learn about? Surely there must be other things going on, right? I mean, show the protesters, explain the case, report on the argument if they want to because that stuff is news, but why not just wait for the decision and analyze it then? Analyzing hypotheticals is meaningless nonsense. It’s more like phony psychic readings than news. I mean seriously: give us all a break!

It’s even worse around election time, because they’ve got their panels and stuff and they’re sitting there all day and all night talking about what’s going to happen, and then when we find out what happened, they’re usually wrong about lots, and they’ve definitely wasted everyone’s time. If they’re going to do this, why not hire psychics rather than news reporters? At least psychics would be entertaining to watch guessing what’s going to happen, and it might actually be enjoyable to see them be shown up for the frauds they are. But with news people, it’s really just pathetic all around, because we’re supposed to be able to trust these people, but when they spend so much time guessing what’s going to happen, they let all their biases and agendas and stuff show, and then it becomes clear that they’re really pushing agendas more than reporting facts to us most of the time. And that’s just a betrayal of what news is supposed to provide: unbiased facts. I can analyze facts on my own, I don’t need some partisan hacks to do it for me with spin galore, thank you.

But seriously: wouldn’t you rather see some swami in a turban stare into a glowing crystal ball and guess the results of an election, rather than see some cable news anchor do it? At least it would have entertainment value then. (Psychics are only for entertainment purposes, you know. And news anchors guessing about the outcome of something we’ll find out about in a few hours is not for entertainment purposes, it’s for time wasting purposes: time we’ll never get back.) Then CNN wouldn’t need to use all that silly 3D technology that just gets them made fun of on The Daily Show. (I mean, this would get them made fun of too, but at least it would be less expensive, and it would be more appropriate to have phony psychics trying to guess what’s going to happen than it is to have news analysts do it. Plus, it would be more dignified not to have news analysts and “experts” constantly showing us how wrong they are about everything like they do now with their attempts to predict everything before it happens.)

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

NRA Releasing New Video Games

The NRA announced today it would soon be releasing a new series of video games to promote gun rights by teaching people a lesson about what it’s like to need a gun but not have one. The games are the usual First Person Shooter type of games, where the players are attacked by zombies, monsters, criminals, aliens, etc., only in these games, the characters the players play as are not permitted to have guns to defend themselves with because of gun control laws, and so the zombies, monsters, criminals, aliens, etc., kill them, partly eat them, then do unspeakable things to their dead bodies, etc., for the remainder of the game. The games are expected to scare the hell out of everyone and make them all demand all the assault rifles they can eat to protect them from all the zombies the government has been working on that are about to break free, all the monsters the secret evil geneticists and mad scientists are definitely developing and eager to loose upon the world, all the criminals the ATF has been funneling assault rifles to through secret government programs like “Fast & Furious”, and all the aliens that are about to invade that the government is still trying to lie about and tell us don’t exist even though they’re already throwing meteors at Earth to try to kill us like in the movie Starship Troopers! Well, I guess we’ll just have to wait and see if it works. (You know, it might just work if they tried it...)

North Korean Threats Undermine Dennis Rodman’s Message of Peace

Dennis Rodman recently visited North Korea and returned to report a wonderful country led by a charming, cool dude. But since his return, North Korea has made threats to attack American military bases, to attack South Korea, and to nuke the United States, with the disastrous effect of making Dennis Rodman’s claims seem less credible. Are they doing this just to make Dennis Rodman look bad, and if so, does this not count as an act of war? I mean, making threats to murder millions of people with nuclear weapons and generally acting like a terrorist is disagreeable, but impugning the integrity of an American professional athlete is a crime against humanity indeed! Kim Jong-Un is lucky he’s not facing getting his ass whipped in a one-on-one basketball game.

But sadly, it could come to that kind of a battle: one-on-one on the basketball court. But if Kim Jong-Un is as good at basketball as Kim Jong-Il was at golf, we may get the international embarrassment of all time, after which we may have to destroy ourselves in shame. And perhaps, just perhaps, this is what all this bluster is all about anyway: to get Kim Jong-Un that one-on-one game he wants so he can show up American athletes for the phonies they are next to the might of The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea! (And if he won, maybe for once North Korean citizens might actually cheer about something without having to be threatened with torture and death in order to make them do it.)

Justice Ginsburg Levels Scathing, Layered Criticism of Gay and Straight Marriage in Milk Metaphor

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg today claimed that the Defense of Marriage Act essentially creates two classes of marriage: whole and “skim-milk marriage”. And we all know that skim milk is better for your health than whole milk. Justice Ginsburg is clearly stating here that gay marriage is healthier than straight marriage with this milk metaphor. So is this how gay marriage threatens traditional marriage: by showing it to be full of fat and higher in calories? But you know, whole milk tastes a lot better than skim milk, so then that’s an insult to gay marriage. So, is she saying gay marriage is in bad taste? And is she saying straight marriage is more wholesome, comparing it to whole milk? Why, I’m surprised at her! I thought she was accepting of others! Unless she means that gay marriage is the whole milk, and straight marriage is the skim milk, in which case she would essentially be calling gay marriage “unhealthy”. But wait, isn’t whole milk better for children, because their brains need more fatty stuff to develop? Wow, there sure are lots of layers of implied criticism to her milk metaphor, huh? She must be trying to influence us all subliminally. And to think the Supreme Court banned subliminal stuff in ads, and now they’re using it to influence us: pretty sneaky there, Justice Ginsburg!

(Of course this is all just a silly joke, twisting her words to mean something else entirely. You know, like the cable news channels do all the time. And by the way, I support gay marriage whole-heartedly, and I’m kind of irked the Supreme Court hasn’t ruled it an issue of equal rights under the law yet. But hopefully they will.)

Here’s the milky marriage message (It’s in the third paragraph):

Green Energy Political Ad (Proposed)

We’ve heard politicians say that America is “addicted to oil”. So why not literalize this into a play on the popular reality TV show Addiction to encourage green energy? So this ad would start off with Uncle Sam (America’s mascot, in the stars & stripes suit & top hat) coming to what he thinks is a party, but turns out to be an intervention. So Uncle Sam’s friends tell him it’s an intervention because they’re worried about his addiction to oil, and that this addiction is ruining his life. Then the ad could explain in what ways America’s addiction to oil is bad for us, showing Middle East wars, terrorism, climate change, pollution, etc., and then show Uncle Sam crying and saying he knows he needs help, etc. And the ad would end by listing different types of renewable energy America should be investing in developing.

Energy Tomorrow “What’s It Take” Ad

In this commercial for the oil & gas lobby Energy Tomorrow (I think that’s what they are, anyway), our middle-aged blonde lady in the black suit (whom I have established in a previous post is none other than Satan himself) says: “What’s it take to make America run?”

Um, excuse me, ma’am, but ain’t you heard? These colors don’t run! (Some nerve, trying to imply that America would run away!)

Or is she referring to our state of out-of-shapeness and obesity? Wow, how insulting! And the oil & gas lobby thinks this type of impugning of our bravery and fitness will actually make us support fossil fuels? Maybe we’ll all start jogging and biking everywhere, just to spite them for those insults! (Oh, who am I kidding? This is America, and as it has been stated on many occasions, America is “addicted to oil”. So I think we’re going to keep wanting and using it no matter what insulting stuff she says about us.)

But this question: “What’s it take to make America run?”, makes me want to answer: “Um, somebody chasing us?”

Oh, and then she tries to tempt us with jobs in a stagnant economy: pretty sneaky there, Satan. Then she shows us all this pipeline stuff that’s hidden underground. Well, Satan would know about what’s deep in the bowels of the Earth, now wouldn’t he?

Here’s the condescending carbon-emitting commercial:

Charmin Ultra Soft “Four Times Less” Ad

Well, I see that Charmin is still attracting weirdos whose fetish it is to rub toilet paper all over their face in ecstasy. Yes, a big blue papa bear is in the bathroom, rubbing the toilet paper on his face, when his wife henpecks him about using less toilet paper. (I think she’s on to him about the toilet paper fetish, and based upon his reaction, I’d say he knows he’s busted.) And then the picture cuts to two stacks of toilet paper, showing how much fuller and more cushiony the Charmin Extra Soft is compared to some lousy budget brand, which means you can use four times less! But what they don’t tell you is that in these multi packs they’re selling these days, you have no choice but to use four times less, because the size of the rolls (and the number of sheets per roll) is far, far less than other brands of toilet paper. (I know because I have bought it before, and the rolls are pretty paltry and run out quickly as compared to other brands. But the paper itself is pretty good. If only they made the rolls of an adequate size.)

Here’s the charming charlatan Charmin commercial (Actually, this isn’t the one I’m writing about, which I couldn’t find, but this one deals with the same issue of using four times less):

New York Recycling Program Evicts Oscar the Grouch

No wonder he’s grouchy! Recycling programs got Oscar the Grouch evicted from his home in the trash can. Now the trash gets all separated into different kinds of stuff: glass, plastic, metal, paper, and garbage. There’s no “trash” cans anymore! And that leaves Oscar out in the street with nowhere to go! The only place he can wallow in trash like he needs to do in order to feel at home is in the gutter. Oh, for shame! Mayor Bloomberg’s recycling program is discriminatory against Grouch Muppets! What an uncaring bully that agenda maniac is!

And who else does this adversely affect? Why, it’s the children. They’re being traumatized through being forced to watch helplessly as one of their favorite characters gets marginalized and repressed by the recycling agenda. And that just makes them feel powerless and depressed, leading to (you guessed it) overeating of junk foods and extra-large size sodas, leading to obesity! So it’s all Mayor Bloomberg’s fault to begin with! (I knew it…)

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Is Texas Getting Blue?

It is said (by CNN) that Texas may turn into a blue state, and it’s partially thanks to Governor Rick Perry’s “War on Obamacare and Medicaid” (<As it was put on CNN yesterday). Well, if that’s the case, maybe Governor Perry will be singing a version of the Crystal Gayle song: “Don’t It Make My Brown Eyes Blue?”, but altered to: “Don’t You Make My Red State Blue!”

This is “Don’t It Make My Brown Eyes Blue?”:

This Kerry Is So Very…

Hey, if John Kerry ever wants to run for president again, I think I’ve got the ad campaign slogan idea for him! There was a well-known ad campaign for Keri Lotion that said: “This Keri is so very…” (And then someone would fill in the blank with a positive characteristic.) And John Kerry could do the same thing, starting with: “John Kerry is so very…”, and adding in stuff like: “Diplomatic!”, or: “Accomplished!”, or: “Wise!”, or: “Experienced!”

Of course, his rivals could use the same idea in attack ads and use negative qualities in the responses, using historical facts and news reports to back up their claims. But please don’t think about that, because I’m sure nobody would have the bad taste to ruin someone else’s political ad campaign! (That’s just rude!)

(The funny thing is that the original Keri Lotion ad campaign had the claim: “This Keri is so very…” “Rich!” And John Kerry really is so very rich! He’s like a veritable Mitt Romney type, he is.)

Here’s an example of the Keri Lotion ads:

Fast Food Movie Tie-In Lincoln Meal

We’ve all seen it before: fast food restaurants making movie meals to tie into the promotion of a movie. But one of the biggest movies this year has no fast food restaurant-themed meal: Lincoln. Oh, for shame! And he’s a way bigger American hero than Shrek or the Kung Fu Panda, right? So the least they could do is honor Lincoln with a fast food movie meal, right? It’s the ultimate American salute to name a fast food meal after a person! And it’s perfect for advertising already, because they could use the slogan: “The Lincoln Meal: It’s Finger Lincoln Good!” (Kentucky Fried Chicken has used the slogan: “Finger Lickin’ Good” for years, and this would sound almost identical, so maybe KFC could do it.)

That’s Softcore!

We keep hearing about things that are supposedly “hardcore”. (I don’t mean pornography, but rather, lifestyles.) I saw an ad for the TV show Mountain Men, and they said it’s a hardcore lifestyle. And I guess that’s supposed to be good and cool and stuff. But in truth, “hardcore” lifestyles are really only encouraged on reality TV shows these days. If you lead a really hardcore lifestyle, some special interest group is going to demonize you, and your supporters will get bullied by people who think such a lifestyle is barbaric and such. The truth is, people these days live “softcore” lives, so why not celebrate them as such?

So shouldn’t we start using the more appropriate term: “That’s softcore!”? It certainly would accurately describe the lifestyles we’re most encouraged the lead these days, now doesn’t it? After all, if we go hunting we’re murderers, if we wear fur we’re monsters, if we go fishing we’re torturers, if we eat meat we’re senseless sadists, if we like football we’re encouraging barbarism and great bodily harm, etc. Seriously, “hardcore” is totally out of style! What’s in now is “softcore!”

Beefcake vs. Tenderloin

Remember back in the old days, when macho shirtless heroes in sword and sandal epics were referred to as “Beefcake”? Well, why not give a similar type of nickname to sensitive guys who are less overtly macho and more touchy-feely and understanding, or perhaps sappily romantic? They could be referred to as “Tenderloin”.

Monday, March 25, 2013

Discover “We Treat You Like You’d Treat You” Ads

Discover has been running an ad campaign recently that shows people calling their credit card company with an issue, and then they talk to themselves on the phone, and the issue is resolved easily, because I suppose most people would treat themselves pretty well and be understanding with themselves about stuff. But what about people who hate themselves? And what about people who are sadistic and/or masochistic? And what about people who are self-abusive? And what about people who know they’re dishonest criminal types, and are ashamed of this? And what about self-destructive people? How would they treat themselves in this type of situation?

Surely a scam artist or thief would know not to give themselves extra leeway on suspicious stuff, right? And self-loathing people might intentionally treat themselves extra harshly, thinking they deserve it. And self-destructive people might intentionally destroy their own credit and get themselves in trouble for fraud and such. Is that what Discover would do to people like this? And if so, how would they know who to do it to? Maybe they’d better just let us have absolute control over all of our credit stuff just in case they’d get it wrong, you know, like on an honor system or something. Because after all, wouldn’t most people trust themselves anyway? (I suppose they could say they don’t think people trust themselves that much, and so neither do they.)

Or, you know, maybe criminals would give themselves unlimited credit and then just delete their own account so that they could just get everything for free and leave no paper trail, and with an evil twin working on the inside of the credit card company, maybe they could keep giving themselves more and more credit cards under different names and keep this scam going on indefinitely. So, would Discover treat a criminal like that? If not, maybe a criminal could sue them for false advertising because they won’t help them perpetrate fraud like they would do for themselves?

But wouldn’t it be fun to have one of these ads have someone asking for a higher credit limit, and have themselves on the other end of the phone say something like: “What, and have you blow it all on coke like you did last time? No way, man!” Or: “With the way you always run the credit up to the max and then make your parents pay it off? No way: not again!” (Maybe for younger cardholders, the ads could have their parents answer the customer service calls, since they’re the ones who will most likely get stuck with the bill anyway.)

Here are some examples of this ad campaign:

Mitsubishi Outlander Sport Backings Ad

This silly spot shows a Mitsubishi Outlander Sport, some nondescript (white) SUV, driving through what look like giant translight movie backings. (Although it is no doubt all done in CGI to look like it’s driving through movie backings.) Then the announcer says: “Before you know it, tomorrow is here. So we don’t just build cars for today, we also build them for tomorrow, and the tomorrow after that.” (And then they say something like: “And for many tomorrows after that”, or some such thing, but I never seem to be paying attention enough by that point to hear it.)

Well, I’m sure potential Mitsubishi buyers will be gratified to hear the car is designed to last for at least three days, and maybe even for a few more days after that. I would hope for a car to be designed for a longer period of ownership, but I guess if they make them last too long, they’ll go broke from not selling enough cars, huh? Well, at least if you buy a new Mitsubishi Outlander Sport, and it dies after only a few days, Mitsubishi can say they only claimed the car would last that long in their ads, and it’s your fault for buying one, and then get their lawyers to split hairs about language in court until you’ve spent many times more than the car was even worth and have to drop the case (or maybe even publicly apologize for criticizing them).

But the greatest thing about this commercial is undoubtedly the visual stuff that’s going on here. The car is driving, and then it rips through the fabric of space/time, and it ends up somewhere else. So if you owned this car, I guess you would drive it somewhere, and just when you thought you were arriving at your destination, you’d rip through the fabric of space/time, and you’d end up driving on some other stretch of road out in the middle of nowhere? And on your drive home after work, when you’re really tired, you’d turn into your driveway, rip through the fabric of space/time again, and then find yourself driving on some other highway somewhere else, with no idea where the hell you were. And every time you tried to go somewhere, just before you got there, you’d tear through the fabric of space/time again and find yourself on another street somewhere else, in some endless infinite loop, in some commuter purgatory where you’re always driving somewhere but never getting anywhere. And if you buy the Mitsubishi Outlander, this hell-on-Earth can be yours! (That’s why it’s called the Outlander: because you’ll never be driving within the land you know ever again once you buy one!)

Hey, you know what? If this car came with Apple Maps installed as a feature, this ad might make perfect sense, because apparently Apple Maps always gets people lost and confused, and that seems kind of like what’s happening to the driver in this commercial. (Just when you think you know where you are, presto: you’re somewhere completely different! Who could ask for more?)

Sorry, I can’t seem to find this spot online yet. Maybe it’s too new. All I can find is the previous ad where the (again white) SUV is smashing into things like stacks of champagne glasses and chandeliers. Well, I guess it’s the car to buy when you’re planning on spending most of your time driving through walls of expensive drinks and luxury items and such, sort of like an upscale version of a Plasmatics music video.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Tires for Fires Ads?

We keep seeing more and more protests in Middle East countries incorporating tire fires as part of their ambiance. Yes, the billowing black smoke and red/orange-colored fires are really part of the charm of these riots, aren’t they? And think of how many tires must be needed for these fires. I mean, once they’re burned up, you’re going to need more tires for the next riot or protest, right?

So isn’t this a new market to exploit for tire manufacturers? When you sell tires for use on cars, they have to meet quality standards and such, and big time lawsuits can result for product failure. (Remember the Firestone tires thing years ago?) Oh, but sell your tires for burning at riots, and it doesn’t even matter if they’d work well on a car! And once they’re burned, they’re gone, and the protesters will need to buy more. They wear out way faster this way than they would on a car!

That’s why I think the next big growth industry for tire companies is to sell tires for burning by protesters in protests and riots. And naturally, to let people know that your tires are good for such a purpose, you’re going to have to advertise them! And that means that there will have to be ads showing how well the tires burn, how thick and black the smoke is, and how brightly colored the fire that burns them is. Just think of the money they could make selling tires in bulk straight to protesters! They wouldn’t even have to be functional tires, but just the defective ones! I’m telling you, this could be big!

Naturally, with burning tires in a stone age culture, Firestone Tires would have the edge with such a brand name. But maybe Goodyear could come up with a slogan to beat them, like, say: “Burning Goodyear Tires guarantees a good year in your country!”

Maybe they could offer special promotions like free branded refillable lighters with each purchase of a bulk order of tires. Or maybe a free can of gasoline or lighter fluid for setting them ablaze? Or maybe offer tires that are pre-soaked in flammable stuff so they ignite with one match, like that brand of charcoal. I’m sure they’ll think of some kind of super hot deals to get this new market going.

(Hey, how about a band called Tires for Fires? {<It sounds lie Tears for Fears, only, you know, more violent and pollutiony and all.} They could write and record protest songs about lighting tires on fire to protest and overthrow the government and stuff, and these songs could be used to promote burning tires.)

Here’s the news story that made me think of this (But it’s just the most recent of many, many such episodes…):

Hillary Clinton Iraq War Political Ad

When Hillary Clinton runs for president in 2016 (actually, nowadays campaigns begin way before the voting year, now don’t they?), she’s going to need a good excuse for why she voted to give President George W. Bush the authority to go to war with Iraq. (Democrats who voted for the Iraq War didn’t want to be on “the wrong side of history”, and as a result, they ended up there. Oh, the irony.) That’s pretty much why Barack Obama beat her the last time, I think, so I’d say she needs an out here. But never fear, for I have found a way! Plus, it’s really geeky, so it will be fun for nerds.

Okay, so here’s the idea: When Hillary is asked about the Iraq War resolution vote (and for political ads about this subject), she ought to say that Odo (the shape-shifter) from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine kidnapped her, and then assumed her identity for the vote, thinking that Kira Nerys would be impressed and fall in love with him. (I think Odo got the impression that the Iraqi dictatorship was similar to the Cardassian regime on Bajor, and by supporting its overthrow, somehow he could win Kira’s heart.) And so it wasn’t really Hillary Clinton who voted in favor of the Iraq War after all, but an interloper from a Star Trek spin-off!

See? She couldn’t help it! It wasn’t even her after all! How can you blame her now?

(The documentary The World According to Dick Cheney used the video clip of Hillary Clinton explaining her vote, and then voting for the Iraq War, and that reminded me of this issue; and that’s what made me think of this. But this really might come up as an issue if/when she runs for president next time in 2016.)

Gun Free Zones

As we all know, Gun Free Zones are areas where guns are not allowed. And that means that criminals and spree shooters know it’s against the rules to bring their guns there, and since they respect the law despite being criminals and murderers, they don’t bring their guns there. Well, except for some of them.

The argument from the gun rights side of this is that proudly labeling places as Gun Free Zones is essentially like announcing to criminals and spree killers: “Hey, come here to commit your crimes! Nobody will be armed to resist you!” And that’s a pretty good argument, even if it’s not really correct (I don’t have any stats on this). So how about this for an idea:

We know some people like the feel-good warm & fuzziness of announcing a Gun Free Zone, but we also know that this could invite violent criminals to target these areas as well, so why not simply alter the sign to say: “Gun Free Zone. But Not Necessarily A Knife, Chain Saw, Chinese Throwing Star, Poisoned Dart and Deadly Ninja Assassin Free Zone.” That way there would still be a threat to potential criminals, but at least everyone would feel safe from guns. I mean, unless someone just disregarded the sign and brought a gun anyway, that is.

Spring Snowstorms

There are a bunch of wintry weather patterns making their way across the United States this spring. This looks a lot like what the weather patterns were like about 35 years ago.

We keep hearing about how awful and apocalyptic global warming is, but whenever it gets cold, everybody bitches and moans about it, asking where all the warm weather is.

So, is global warming really something people are unhappy about? I’m just curious. Maybe that’s why nobody’s really doing that much about it: they hate the cold even worse.

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Clorox Pope Ad (Proposed/Joke)

This proposed/joke TV commercial for Clorox brand bleach would show the person who has to clean the Pope’s clothes talk about how many stains the Pope gets on his clothes from eating all that rich Italian food, and how the Pope may be a great spiritual man, but he’s a messy eater. Then we see video clips of the Pope (actually an actor, whose face is not shown) eating and spilling drops of red wine on his white outfit, dropping a marinara-covered meatball (from spaghetti & meatballs) on his his lap in his white outfit, reaching across the table and accidentally putting his white sleeve in some messy dish of food, etc. And then the laundry person says that it used to be very difficult in the old days to get all these stains out of white garments, but that it’s easy now to keep the Pope’s white vestments perfectly white with Clorox bleach.

V8 Head-Assaulting Ad

V8 Juice has, for as long as I can remember, used this same “I could’ve had a V8” shtick in their ads. Oh, but now they’re showing people literally hitting each other in the forehead for not drinking V8 juice in a de facto encouragement of violence against people who do not drink V8 juice. So it seems they are threatening us that if we do not drink their juice, violent attacks upon our craniums will result. And this is pretty serious here, because the health bullies already want to beat people up for not eating the “correct” foods, and this commercial (and the whole campaign) steps right over that line from nagging into physical assault, which we all know will lead to brutal violence perpetrated against normal people by vegans and vegetarians over dietary choices. Boy, you thought the drug gangs were brutal and violent; just wait until the health bullies start to get violent over what we eat (!!). It will be like a gang fight in the kitchen every day! (Just kidding. But some will probably start punching people in the head because of this. They already want to do it, and this might be just what they need to make them live out their violent fantasies over their aggressive dietary sanctimony. You’ll see. I guess it’s appropriate, then, that V8 is roughly the color of blood, huh?)

I can’t seem to find this ad online yet. Maybe they’re trying to hide the incriminating evidence of their violence-inducing message.

(Of course I am only joking here! V8 juice is really good, and we should be punched in the forehead for not drinking it.)

Cymbalta (The Name)

Cymbalta is some prescription medication for joint pain, but its name sounds more painful than soothing, at least to me. Doesn’t Cymbalta sound like cymbals being crashed together? That sounds like it would hurt. Even hearing it up close would hurt your ears. I wonder how they decided on the name Cymbalta? I think a more soothing sounding name might have been a better choice.

In looking it up, I also find that Cymbalta is used to treat general anxiety disorder and depression. But I’d think that name, which makes me envision cymbals crashing together, might not be so appropriate for something intended to help with anxiety or depression. I would think the idea of having cymbals crashing all around you might not be so calming or reassuring. (But maybe that’s because I was attacked by a rogue pair of cymbals as a child.)

But this criticism is only leveled at the name they selected for this medication, and what image it brings to mind. The medication might work wonders for all I know. I just think it could have been given a better sounding name. But then again, maybe I’m the only one who sees the name this way.

Call Now, You’ll Be Glad You Did

A number of “As-seen-on-TV” products end their ads with the statement: “Call now, you’ll be glad you did!” Well, don’t tell me how I’m supposed to feel when I do something. That just shows they don’t really care about my feelings. I’m just some object for them to possess and push around, huh? Some nerve, let me tell you! Just for that, I’m not buying their stuff.

Friday, March 22, 2013

Is Marissa Mayer a Double Agent?

I don’t mean to sound like a jerk or anything, but I have to wonder, at least in jest, if Marissa Mayer is secretly still working for Google in an attempt to destroy Yahoo!. And I say that only because since she has taken over, Yahoo! has totally ruined its home page, and apparently changed little to nothing else. I was initially excited when I heard Marissa Mayer was taking over at Yahoo!, because I heard she was very smart, and I thought she’d make changes for the better. But all I’ve noticed thus far is that the home page is too big, it takes far too long to load before you can do anything with it, nothing is organized anymore so it’s impossible to find things easily (in the articles, that is), and all the crap that was wrong with Yahoo! before is still firmly entrenched.

I really thought fixing Yahoo! might be pretty easy, as their problems were pretty apparent to most users. Most of their offerings were vapid partisan articles riddled with typos and grammatical errors, all of which was lambasted by readers in the comments section. (I know I’m hardly one to talk about such things, but still; this blog is written for fun and is unpaid, whereas the Yahoo! writers get paid and are supposed to be professionals.) I think most of us really came for the scathing comments making fun of the amateurish level of “journalism” on display. But today they’ve apparently disallowed comments on everything. (I don’t see any today.) And without the comments section, and with the annoying new home page, I am looking elsewhere for content. (I generally looked for better content elsewhere anyway, but I always came to Yahoo! too out of habit and a sense of loyalty.)

Nothing personal, Marissa, but it seems to me that the least you could do is to fix the obvious problems first. I have a few brief suggestions: 1.) Hire a copy editor to fix all the glaring errors in the writing. 2.) Hire better writers, or make a deal with leading newspapers and/or columnists to include their articles on Yahoo!’s home page, and hire good people to decide who you’re using. 3.) Have a more balanced political spectrum, with only opinion pieces having an obviously discernable ideological bias (too much news these days is agenda journalism that reads like propaganda rather than news). 4.) Have some humor pieces and cartoons, just for the bored people who want a quick amusement in a brief break at work. 5.) Provide a list of good blogs/websites in a variety of areas for people to check out, helping people to find other fun stuff on the Internet (this would be especially helpful for people like me who are middle aged and not as good at finding the hot new stuff without a bit of directing. It seems to me that many of Yahoo!’s users are people like me who come back out of habit because they don’t really know where else to go. So keep the good stuff, improve the bad stuff, provide suggestions for other fun places, and provide your own fun stuff to attract new web surfers.). If you make these changes, which should be easy for an expert like you, I think Yahoo! would be resurgent; but keep it like this, and people really might start leaving in droves. (I’m only trying to help.)

P.S.: No offense, Yahoo!, I hope. I’m only writing this to try to help because I feel a loyalty to Yahoo! after years of habitual use. But you guys need to fix the problems and help people branch out (who need help finding more online fun). And if you provided lists of fun blog posts and stuff, people really might come to Yahoo! just to find out what to go look at elsewhere on the Internet, as it’s not always easy to find such stuff. But as it is, I find myself using Google now for stuff I used to use Yahoo! for, hence the joke about Marissa Mayer being a double-agent.

Rename the Washington Redskins

I saw a headline online claiming that people are pushing to rename the Washington Redskins football team. I have seen a couple of suggestions, but aren’t football team names supposed to be scary and intimidating? And since it’s Washington, D.C. we’re talking about here, shouldn’t it be somehow appropriate to the city? So why not rename the Redskins as “The Washington Red Ink”? That’s way scarier than lions and tigers and bears (oh, my!). In fact, our national debt was listed as the #1 threat to national security by Joint Chiefs of Staff Navy Admiral Mike Mullen just recently. Sure, lions and bears and stuff can kill someone, but the Washington red ink could actually destroy our whole nation if it continues on the rampage. Now that’s scary! And, the new moniker “The Washington Red Ink” would still keep a part of the original name for a familiar feel. (Plus, they could have the nickname “The Crimson Tide of Debt”!)

But if that’s too literal for you, or if you’re in denial about the debt being a serious problem, then how about these other possible names for a Washington, D.C. football team: The Washington Drones, The Washington Political Scandals, The Washington Gridlock, The Washington Taxes, The Washington Lobbyists, The Washington Politicians, The Washington Pundits, The Washington Monuments. (<This last one sounds imposing enough, surely.)

Here’s the story:

Yogi Bear Yoga Workout Videos?

Hey, we all know kids love cartoon, and that they’re not getting enough exercise, right?
Well, then how about combining cartoon characters and exercise videos? And what better combination than to have Yogi Bear lead Yoga exercise sessions on video? After all, the word “Yogi” means a practitioner of Yoga (Source: Wikipedia, font of all knowledge), so he’s be perfect! Then surely all the kids would want to get great exercise through doing Yoga with Yogi! Plus, if Yogi Bear becomes a Yoga instructor, when the park rangers catch him stealing food out of people’s picnic baskets from now on, he could legitimately claim that he’s only doing it to protect picnickers from their unhealthy food choices and to force them to go choose something that’s more wholesome and better for them.

GMC Pro Grade Protection Chains Ad

In this spot for GMC Pro Grade Protection, dock workers attach chains onto the four corners of a GMC pickup truck and lift it into the air by pulling on it hard in four different directions. And that proves how great their protection is. Unfortunately what they don’t tell you is that if anything goes wrong with your truck, they’ll do the same thing to you! Plus, when you go to buy a GMC truck, they also do this same thing to you, just to be sure you’re tough enough to own a GMC truck, and if you yell, cry, or wince, they’ll decide you’re a wimp and they won’t let you buy one. (Only kidding: I’m just pulling GMC’s chain.)

Here’s the uplifting truck protection racket ad:

Ban Salt!

Yes, there’s a new push to ban salt, made by the health bullies at CNN. Their study shows we’re eating too much salt, and it will harm and kill us. But let’s look at the facts: We’re eating more salt now than we did 100 years ago, and we’re living longer, too! So, obviously, eating more salt is what’s making us all live longer. (That’s about as tenuous a connection as agenda science needs these days to prove causality for indicting the things they want to ban.)

So then it’s clear they’re trying to kill us all! Social Security is insolvent and Medicare costs are going to bankrupt the country, and if they can’t ban assault weapons (they only want to ban assault weapons because they sound like they’ve got salt in them!), then we’ll be able to survive the zombie apocalypse they’re preparing for us, and then their irresponsible management of the government will become apparent, so now they’re trying to make us die sooner by banning salt to cover their incompetence. (You know it’s true!)

But apparently salt is what makes most processed foods taste good enough to eat, so if they ban salt, nobody will want to eat that crap anymore, and maybe we’ll all lose weight and be healthier. But that’s cheating, so let’s all eat handfuls of salt just to foil their dastardly plot! (Just kidding: Of course salt is bad for you, and if you ever eat any, you’ll die right there on the spot! And if you don’t die, the anti-salt agents will kill you and then just say the salt did it.)

Okay, so let’s review: You can’t eat salt, you can’t eat sugar, you can’t eat artificial sweeteners because they’re worse than sugar, you can’t eat fat, you can’t eat carbs, you can’t eat meat, you can’t eat fast food, you can’t eat anything processed, you can’t smoke, you can’t drink alcohol (except maybe for some red wine), but you can’t drink soft drinks either, you can’t use the internet too much, watching TV is bad for you, video games are brainwashing violence machines, you can’t drive because of global warming, you can’t go outside because of stranger danger, but you can’t sit around either because that causes heart disease. Are we all straight on this? No fun of any kind or else! Oh, but depression causes a decrease in productivity and an increased suicide risk, so I guess you’d better do something, except that pretty soon you won’t be allowed even to do that. Yea, America! Fun, fun, fun!

Hey, how about a video game called: “Salt Kill”? The game players play the role of a nutritionist, and the object of the game is to keep people from eating salt. So you’d walk into a restaurant, and you’d first try to peer-pressure people into not eating salt with some sanctimonious speech, and then if that didn’t work, you’d walk around the restaurant slapping salt shakers out of diners’ hands and knocking forkfuls of food away from people’s mouths so they can’t eat any salt. Then you just knock tables over and attack the kitchen staff with big carving knives, you know, to save lives and stuff from the pernicious dangers of salt. And then you go door to door in residential neighborhoods, confiscating salt shakers and abducting anyone who cooks using salt. Then it’s off to the processed food companies where you do commando raids to destroy their salt reserves and to disable the parts of the automated assembly line that adds salt (and if it’s people that did it, you kill them all; you know, to save lives that would be lost to salt exposure). And on and on again until you destroyed all the salt in the world and everyone who puts it in food. And other players could choose to play a villainous role who runs around the game shaking salt in everyone’s food before and after the hero nutritionist can remove it all, leading to everyone’s death from salt (you know, eventually from heart disease after maybe like 70 to 80 years). It would be hours and hours of healthy fun, battling salt and saving humanity! I hope someone will make this visionary video game soon for training the next generation of meddling health nuts. (Oh, and to make the game even more fun, the hand controller could be programmed to function only if the players’ hands were completely free of salt residue, and to automatically shut down if it detects even trace amounts of salt during game play! (That would make sure only serious salt-fighting warriors could play, and it would encourage healthy eating habits.)

Of course human beings do need salt, and will die without sufficient salt intake. But that does not support this salt ban agenda, so please forget that fact, okay? Thanks.

Biden Wants Zombies to Eat Us

Vice President Joe Biden is pushing for an assault rifle ban. But under this very same administration, FEMA has been warning us to prepare for a zombie apocalypse. And what would you need for a zombie apocalypse? Why, you’d need an assault rifle or two, and thousands of rounds of ammunition. Oh, but now Biden doesn’t want us to be allowed to get any assault rifles, which could only mean one thing: Biden wants us all to get eaten by zombies.

Hey, this must be the Obama Administration’s new climate change strategy! They’ll ban assault rifles, then they’ll release the zombies, the zombies will eat everyone, and then nobody will be left to drive fossil fuel-burning cars or to use electricity, so it will prevent carbon emissions, and the Earth will heal. Yea! And then they’ll just kill the zombies, collect all the bodies, put them into a big meat grinder, and make Soylent Green! (That will cut down on factory farming.) This must be the new green agenda (the Soylent Green agenda, that is!).

AT&T It’s Not Complicated “Faster” Ad

In this addition to the guy-sitting-at-a-table-with-little-kids-in-an-elementary-school ad campaign for AT&T cell phone plans, the guy asks the kids which is better, being fast or being slow? So one little girl explains that being fast is better, because if you’re slow, you’ll get caught by a werewolf, it will attack you, and then you’ll become a werewolf, and you’ll have to try to imprison yourself indoors so as to avoid attacking other people, etc. And that’s a good point, but does having a cell phone make you run faster than not having one? No? So then wouldn’t it make no difference in your ability to escape from a werewolf if you get a cell phone plan from AT&T? And if you have a smartphone, wouldn’t you be more likely to be playing with your phone while a werewolf is rampaging around, so you wouldn’t even notice that there’s a werewolf stalking you, and so it wouldn’t even need to chase you, but rather, it could simply saunter up to you and bite you at will? (People ignore each other and play with their smartphones all the time as it is, so wouldn’t everyone ignore a werewolf too and just play with their phone?) And then wouldn’t you become a werewolf too, but then you’d chew up and destroy your phone all the time, and then you’d have to constantly buy a new phone to replace it, right? And so then getting a cell phone from AT&T would actually make you more vulnerable, rather than less vulnerable, to werewolf attacks, and much easier to catch as well, and cost more than not having a cell phone. (Not that having a cell phone from Verizon or T-Mobile would be any better, unless they stopped working long enough for you to realize there was a werewolf on the rampage and able to run faster than usual so as to escape its grasp, which is unlikely, as well as not currently being offered in competing cell phone plans.)

So this ad, while cute and charming, isn’t really a very good argument for getting a cell phone plan nor a smartphone from AT&T, now is it? Maybe it would make a good ad for an ATV-style motorcycle thingy for four-wheeling through the woods and the countryside in hopes of outrunning a werewolf, though. Or maybe a jetpack?

Here’s the false argument cell phone ad:

Ombudsman (The Superhero)

I was curious about the origin of the term “ombudsman”, so I decided to do some research. Now, you won’t find this information just anywhere, as it’s been covered up by the FBI in the interest of national self-esteem security, but apparently the first appearance of an ombudsman was the superhero Ombudsman, an alien humanoid sent to Earth from a dying world, where they knew everything about everything, and so his super power was to correct everybody’s erroneous statements all the time. (I believe he wore a superhero costume with a big “O” on his chest, with a big brain inside it, and a set of encyclopedia spines painted on his cape.) Not only would he know who said what that was wrong, but he also knew where they were, and he flew around the country (yeah, he could fly too, apparently), correcting the incorrect, and making the world safe (well, America, anyway: he didn’t like helping commies) for valid arguments and correct references!

Oh, but the power elite in America did not like being shown up in this way, so Ombudsman quickly lost favor amongst the embarrassed powerful in America. And unfortunately for Ombudsman, he showed the wrong people up at the wrong time once too often (you’d think a guy who knows everything would know not to do that. I can only think it was his arrogance that got the better of him. Being a know-it-all is a quite irresistible power to abuse, I guess…), and alas, he was not bulletproof. And so it happened, supposedly, that he showed up and corrected too many powerful people too many times. And you know how much powerful people love being corrected… So, supposedly, after correcting a particularly powerful personage one time too many, the person retorted: “Strike three…” And while Ombudsman was saying that reference only made sense in a baseball game, the person had him shot. But the government covered the whole thing up; not to cover up anyone’s actions, but just because they generally didn’t like being shown up for being factually inaccurate. (I can only imagine how busy he must have been during political campaigns, and how hated.)