Friday, August 31, 2012

Republican Abortion Policy and Rosemary’s Baby

Mitt Romney has accidentally let it slip out in the past that he supports a woman’s right to choose, and them’s fightin’ words for many Republicans. Hopefully he’s lying when he says he’ll try to ban abortion, but you never can tell with this guy, because he says so many different things about what his positions are. But most Republicans are apparently vehemently opposed to abortion, no matter what the circumstances. You know, for religious reasons.

So according to them, there should be no exception to the prohibition of abortion, no matter what. Not in the case of rape, not in the case of incest, not in the case of extreme abnormalities. Even if the parents aren’t filthy rich celebrity politicians who can easily afford the medical costs and to have others take care of their children for them, they should have to have the baby, no matter what’s wrong with it, and that’s that; even though humanity has advanced to where we can detect these problems easily and end the pregnancy early and just have a normal healthy baby a little later, apparently that’s cheating or something. But what about another possibility…

Yes, what about in the case of Rosemary’s Baby? That’s Satan’s brat: the Antichrist; and he’s going to lead the world astray and into misery, suffering, and depravity beyond description! Why, by preventing the abortion of Rosemary’s Baby, they are aiding Satan in the destruction of mankind: the corruption and destruction of all of God’s work! Oh, my God: those monsters! Well, when God finds out about this, He’s going to cancel their rapture. After all, how could He want to rescue Satan’s little helpers when the apocalypse turns out to be their own faults? (Although the Lord does work in mysterious ways, so maybe He’ll rapture them anyway: who knows?)

And what about in the case of It’s Alive? That monster baby from It’s Alive kills everybody, even the doctor that delivered it! Oh, the humanity! There will be carnage and chaos everywhere, with people perishing by the thousands, horribly mauled and mutilated, and it could have been prevented easily! And they knew this monstrous brat would kill everyone, and they refused to permit its pregnancy to be terminated anyway? Why, that makes them accessories to mass murder! Oh, my God! Those fiends!

See what happens when abortion is banned without exception? We get all these monster babies killing and eating everyone all the time, and the Antichrist dragging the world into a pandemonium of degradation and obliteration! Have these conservative fanatics no hearts? No souls? To punish the world in a miasma of brimstone and blood and torment from hell itself, just because they’re not willing to be flexible? Well, they probably figure they’ll just be raptured away anyway, so what difference does it make to them? In fact, perhaps they’re trying to ban abortion specifically so the Antichrist will be born, triggering the apocalypse, and they can (indirectly) punish the heathen scum (like me) for supporting a woman’s right to choose and stuff.

But weren’t we supposed to love our enemies as ourselves, and not to judge? Oh, well: that stuff’s not as much fun as judging and forcing our will upon others anyway, now is it?

Democrats Plan Fonzie Ad to Rebut Eastwood RNC Speech

In last night’s RNC speech, Clint Eastwood spoke to an empty chair which acted as a surrogate Obama for a bit of performance art. In a new twist Henry Winkler is being called on to play Fonzie in a DNC ad, pointing to an empty chair and imploring Eastwood to: “Sit on it.”

Captain Morgan Broken Water Glasses Ad

This is a spot from the same campaign as the other Captain Morgan commercial I love, where they’ve got a secret party going on in the basement of a castle, and the captain uses a secret passageway to make off with a date for himself. But in this ad, a maid, or a serving wench, as they might have called her back then, accidentally drops and breaks a goblet while pouring water into it, and Captain Morgan and his party guests all start knocking and throwing their glasses to the floor to make her feel better. And then they get feisty start breaking all the plates and stuff too. Well, this might make her feel better in one way, but isn’t she going to be the one who has to clean all this stuff up in the end? So while it might make her feel less like a spaz, it’s really going to end up punishing her worse in the end anyway. But what do you expect from a bunch of drunk pirates anyway? They’re certainly not going to care about the inconvenience to her, the smashed glasses and plates, her likely severe punishment, or anything else. After all, they kill and steal and abduct women for a living, so how can we expect them to behave like nice considerate people here? (I guess the message of this spot is: “Get drunk and trash the place!”)

I like the sentiment and the carefree attitude displayed in this commercial, but apparently nobody thought of what was going to happen to this young server woman once the pirates left and she had to clean it all up and probably get blamed and punished by her employers. And it’s this idea of people being harmed unintentionally by unthinking drunk people that is the inadvertent subtext of this ad, and when we notice it, it reminds us of how inconsiderate and unwittingly destructive drunk people can be sometimes. But they could have solved this problem if the captain and his cohorts had simply abducted this server girl on their way out. Then, instead of being stuck cleaning the whole mess up, she could be off singing: “Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me!” I mean, before she was captured and executed with the rest of them by the British Navy the following morning, when they’re all too hung-over to fight or escape. But at least she wouldn’t have had to clean up all those broken glasses.

Here’s the smashing spot:

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Clint Eastwood to Speak at RNC

Anyone who read this blog back during the Super Bowl might remember I said I thought that Chrysler ad with Clint Eastwood (the one that said it was halftime in America) seemed more like an ad for Mitt Romney, when a lot of other people were saying it seemed like an ad for Barack Obama. Well, it looks like I was on target with that one, because Clint Eastwood is about to speak at the Republican National Convention in support of Mitt Romney. Hmm, I wonder if he’ll say it’s halftime in America, and it’s time to send in a new quarterback or something? (If there’s a football metaphor in the speech there somewhere, it will be hard to think it’s not related to the Chrysler ad and the tempest in a teapot it kicked up back then.)

Here’s my old post where I mention the Chrysler Clint Eastwood Super Bowl ad:

This post is eerily appropriate for another reason as well, as it’s about really bad weather, and that coincidentally matches pretty well with Hurricane Isaac’s rampaging across the Gulf Coast and up through the country this week.

“Woman Looks 27 But Is Really 53” Internet Ad

This silly Internet ad is one in a three-panel ad, where the name of whatever town you’re in is written in to act like these ads are local ads, but they’re really the same ad no matter where you are. Another version of this same ad also claims this woman looks 27 but is actually 51, but maybe that’s from two years ago or something, and her looks never age. (That’s the one where some woman has what looks like blood smeared all over her face, apparently following the Elizabeth Bathory Beauty Guide.) I guess there are a few different versions of this ad, just for variety or something. But the one I’m specifically referring to is the one where some obviously very young woman has what looks like an old-age stipple makeup applied to her face, and she’s peeling it off from her chin upwards so it looks like she’s a college-age woman from her chin to her nose, and she looks like a college-age woman with old-age makeup from her nose to her forehead. (And I’m pretty sure that even the young-looking part of the photo here has been Photoshopped to make it look even younger, to a preschool-level of skin perfection, which I’m sure is plausible for 53, even though it’s not for 27, right?)

Now, I could be wrong about what the picture is here: maybe it’s a Photoshop trick of a young woman’s face grafted onto the picture of an older woman’s face to try to trick us: I’m not really sure. But what I do know is this: it’s not an honest representation of whatever it’s advertising for, and it’s also trying to trick everyone about where the woman is from, using the address in your computer as a guide to try to make it seem like the woman is from whatever city you’re in. And if they’re stooping to obvious dishonest trickery about this many things all in one ad, then I’d guess it’s pretty safe to assume that whatever they’re trying to do with this ad is fraudulent as well. Is it hackers trying to infect our computers? Is it some snake oil-type scam? Who cares? Because when something is this obviously dishonest in its approach, everyone should avoid it completely anyway. What amazes me is how many seemingly reputable websites, like weather report sites, have these apparent scam ads on their pages. But I guess they don’t really care what’s being advertised, or what deleterious effects it might end up having on their consumers, so long as they get their money. (Cha-ching, mother@#$%er!)

Now again, I apologize that I don’t know how to direct people to Internet advertising; but if you go to any of the normal, everyday websites out there, you’ll be sure to see it.)

Arrowhead Steve Martin Ad?

I was at the movies last night to watch some silly old sci-fi movie, and when I looked at the bottle of $3 water I was drinking out of, I noticed it was Arrowhead. On the Arrowhead bottle, and indeed in most of their marketing materials, Arrowhead uses the same old trope most spring water companies use: pictures of nature, as in mountains, lakes, forests, streams, etc. This is all naturey and everything, but it isn’t exactly original. How about something else as a separate advertising strategy to excite the fun-loving city folks amongst us? You know, in addition to the nature stuff.

Well, in order to do that, I would suggest making a play on their name: Arrowhead. Seeing that word reminds me of back when Steve Martin used to wear that silly arrow-through-the-head joke shop novelty gag in his comedy routines on SNL years ago. And that made me think it might be fun to use a big picture of Steve Martin from the 1970s in the white suit and with the arrow through the head, with him holding a bottle of Arrowhead water in each hand, and have that be an ad for Arrowhead water, with the headline: “Have a wet n’ wild n’ crazy time!” (Steve Martin had the catchphrase: “I’m a wild and crazy guy!”) It could be a print ad, or a big cardboard life-sized stand-up promotional display piece for stores. It certainly would be a different approach. And wouldn’t it be fun?

Here’s Steve Martin with the arrow through the head:

Nature Made “Nature Boy” Ric Flair Ads?

When I was in school, there was some pro wrestler named Ric Flair, who called himself “The Nature Boy”. Now I know he’s still around, so it makes me wonder: how can a natural food company expect everyone to think their stuff is natural if it’s not sponsored by “Nature Boy” Ric Flair? And especially if the brand has the word “nature” in its name, how can anyone believe them if “Nature Boy” Ric Flair is not their spokesman? Plus, he could say: “It’ll make you big and strong like ‘The Nature Boy’!” Especially with a company like Nature Made, that makes vitamins and stuff, shouldn’t they have some big strong guy with a nickname like “Nature Boy” to endorse their products and show how healthy they make the people who use them? So come on, Nature Made, get Ric Flair to be your spokesman; then you could have him say: “You know it’s Nature Made, because ‘The Nature Boy’ says so!” Then he could pop a vitamin tablet and say: “Whoo!”

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Crest Whitestrips Jack White “The White Strips” Ad Campaign?

I was just writing a joke ad scenario where that guy White Gold from the milk ads becomes a spokesman for Crest Whitestrips, and then it hit me: why not get a real rocker to do it? And who better than Jack White? His last name would be perfect for endorsing Crest Whitestrips! In fact, Jack White used to be in a band called The White Stripes, so why not have him say he ended that band so he could set up his new band, The White Strips, and have him sing about how wonderfully white his teeth are since he uses Crest Whitestrips? They could show him playing with his new band The White Strips on a stage that looks like it’s inside a giant mouth, surrounded by a bunch of giant glowing white teeth. And then he could say: “Why do you think my name is White? It’s because I use Crest Whitestrips!”

(BTW: This is just a joke. I seriously doubt Jack White would ever do something like this.)

Crest Whitestrips White Gold Ads?

Hey, we all remember White Gold, right? He was that make-believe 70s arena rock star who used to shill for milk. Well, now that milk has kicked him to the curb, how about doing a comeback for Crest Whitestrips? Here’s how this would work:

Since White Gold is a (purported) musician, why not have him fight tooth yellowing caused by some other musical threat: The Beatles’ Yellow Submarine? So in this ad, the Yellow Submarine goes around making everyone’s teeth yellow, and then White Gold comes and whitens everyone’s teeth with the power of his rockin’. And then they could say that no matter how much you yellow your teeth with stuff like bong hits and joints and cigarettes while listening to stoner music, your teeth will become ultimate white again with the White Gold power of Crest Whitestrips! And then he opens his lips in a smile that blinds the world with its whiteness! (Oh, I guess it better not blind everyone permanently, or else it wouldn’t matter what color people’s teeth are, and we couldn’t have that!)

Here’s an example of the Milk “White Gold” campaign:

Crest Whitestrips “Yellow Peril” (Joke) Ad

Crest Whitestrips’s current TV commercial warns us: “If you’re not whitening, you’re yellowing!” Well, this scare tactic ad reminded me of the title given to one of the most notorious villains in fiction: “The Yellow Peril”. Well, that title was of course bestowed upon Fu Manchu, the Chinese super villain of English fiction. Well, that title might seem a bit racist nowadays to apply to a person (it is, actually: Fu Manchu was a Chinese bugaboo for Brits in novels from 1913 through 1959: not the most racially sensitive of times. But I didn’t come up with it as his title, so please don’t blame me for it; I’m only suggesting it as a joke for a Crest Whitestrips ad.), but it could very appropriately be applied to a Crest Whitestrips (joke) ad, since these ads definitely proselytize for white supremacy as it applies to tooth color. In fact, they are so insistent upon white teeth being superior, and the whiter the better, it practically invites a skewering of this nature.

So here’s how this (joke) ad would work: Fu Manchu would kidnap Nayland Smith (his heroic British nemesis) and some beautiful aristocratic British woman, and he would threaten them with a fate worse than death: turning their teeth yellow (!!). So here the term “The Yellow Peril” would not apply to Fu Manchu, but rather to the threatening things he uses against his victim’s tooth color: for example, Fu Manchu would make them drink coffee, smoke cigarettes, and eat blueberry pie and curried dishes, all of which reportedly cause yellow teeth; and it is these things that are referred to as “The Yellow Peril” in this scenario (or the teeth’s exposure to things that cause yellowing).

So we would see Fu Manchu’s lair, and we would see Nayland Smith and the beautiful aristocrat heroine of the piece tied up and with something tied over their eyes and mouths. So they would be untied, and Fu Manchu would welcome them to his lair, and offer them some coffee, tea, blueberry pie, cigarettes, etc. So they would accept and begin to indulge in this stuff, and Nayland Smith would ask what part they are to play in Fu Manchu’s fiendish plans, and what he intends to do to them. So Fu Manchu says: “Nothing that I haven’t already done! Mwa ha ha!” So Nayland Smith says: “You’ve poisoned the food, you fiend!” And Fu says: “Worse than that for you, my friend! I have tricked you yourself into exposing your precious white teeth to… The Yellow Peril! And soon I will have destroyed your accursed white teeth!” (Fu Manchu was always trying to destroy “the accursed white race” in movies.) So the woman screams: “My God, No! You wouldn’t… You, couldn’t!” And they look into a large mirror Fu Manchu’s henchmen bring over, and they see their teeth have become bright yellow. They scream, and Nayland threatens revenge, as Fu Manchu laughs maniacally in triumph.

Then the announcer says: “Are your teeth threatened by ‘The Yellow Peril’ of coffee, tea, tobacco, blueberry, and curry stains, and other yellowing foods and drinks? Yellow may be the color of fear, but with Crest Whitestrips, regardless of the threat to your teeth, yellow will not be the color of your teeth! No matter what yellow peril threatens your teeth, Crest Whitestrips will defeat it!” Then Nayland Smith is rescued by the British Army, and the commander gives Nayland Smith some Crest Whitestrips to clean his teeth, and Nayland Smith says: “Thanks! That’s mighty white of you!” (<That’s an old expression from around the same time period of the Fu Manchu novels that I believe also has a bit of racism infused in it. I just think that with all this insistence on tooth white supremacy from Crest Whitestrips ads, it’s fun to make fun of them with old pulp fiction tropes like this.) Then the announcer says: “Crest Whitestrips: It’s mighty white for you!”

Then further ads in this Fu Manchu campaign (all filmed as period pieces) could show stuff like in the 1960s Fu Manchu movies with Christopher Lee, where Fu Manchu is plotting some evil master plan against the United Kingdom. So in this one, Fu Manchu is secretly adding something to the water supply to turn everyone’s teeth yellow, so he can demoralize the Brits and conquer the world! Oh, but the British government simply sends out rations of Crest Whitestrips to the populace, and they use them and remove the yellow stains, and once again, Fu Manchu and the “yellow peril” of tooth yellowing he threatened everyone’s teeth with are defeated! (Hooray!)

And so Fu Manchu could become a surrogate “Spotmaker” for teeth yellowing, as in the old Calgonite commercials from my childhood. Calgonite, by the way, was some kind of dishwasher soap, and here’s the ad with the Spotmaker everyone who has ever seen it will never forget (Maybe there should be a movie series about the Spotmaker, and how he threatens everyone’s dishes and stuff: he could fight some Batman rip-off hero who shoots Calgonite at him out of supersoakers {since he looks like the Riddler}):

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Chuckie Vs. “Trilogy of Terror” Fetish Doll (And Other Horror Killer Fight Match-Up Movies)

I was watching Freddie Vs. Jason again on one of my many movie channels, and it got me thinking once again of other great horror movie killer match-ups we could hope to see in movies. Naturally Jason Vs. Michael Myers would be nice, if predictably dull, but what about something a little more interesting: a killer doll vs. a killer doll? And what better match-up than Chuckie from the Child’s Play movies fighting to the death against everybody’s favorite killer doll, the killer warrior fetish doll from Trilogy of Terror? Yes, this time it’s two disembodied spirits trapped inside killer dolls, fighting to the finish over, um, I guess which doll gets to keep killing people in movies, or something. And who wouldn’t want to see that?

And how about some witch-fighting movies while we’re at it, like The Blair Witch Vs. Charmed, or The Wicked Witch of the West Vs. Elena Markos (from Suspiria)? Or how about some vampire movie character showdowns, like Captain Kronos, Vampire Hunter Vs. Buffy the Vampire Slayer? (Dying vampires could tell each of them that the other was talking sh!t about them, and just keep keep laying it on thicker and thicker until they had to confront each other and have it out.) Or, for that matter, how about Spike Vs. Dracula? Or even better, Dracula Vs. The Cullens, where Dracula slaughters them all for being such ‘chick flick’ pansies. Or maybe Lestat Vs. Edward? How about maybe Carmilla Vs. Bella? (We’ve got to have a catfight in there somewhere, right? I mean, just for the sake of gender equality and everything.)

Or, maybe, because Siskel & Ebert hated slasher movies so much, how about Siskel & Ebert Vs. The Slasher Killers? What happens here is that a rogue astrophysicist’s daughter is killed at Camp Crystal Lake after his unthinking ex-wife sends her there, and remembering Siskel & Ebert’s hatred of slasher movies, he brings them both back through time from an old show where they’re railing against slasher movies, at a time when they’d be sure to be raring to go against slasher killers, through an artificially-created time warp, and gives them super powers from his experimental ray gun, the “God Particle Power Creator Beam”. This super power-enabling ray gives Siskel & Ebert the ability to bring slasher killers (like Jason from Friday the 13th, Michael Myers from Halloween, and all those killers from the 1980s slasher movies named after holidays and stuff) into the world of great classic movies, where Siskel & Ebert get them killed in a variety of creative ways: destroyed by Martians in War of the Worlds, killed by the Frankenstein monster in Bride of Frankenstein, consumed in the burning of Atlanta in Gone with the Wind, drowned in oil in Giant, killed by Nazis in Casablanca, eaten by the shark in Jaws, ironically stabbed to death by Norman Bates in Psycho, etc. They would have Freddy Krueger-style powers, but they wouldn’t use them to such prosaic, pedestrian effect, like just stabbing and eviscerating people; no, these men appreciate the possibilities of great filmmaking, and they’d use it as a weapon against the perpetrators of the genre they revile as mere unimaginative, cynical schlock. Now wouldn’t you pay to see that?

Government Agents Replace Bigfoot Killed in Auto Accident with Man, Plant Cover News Story

Once again desperate to keep Americans from finding out the truth about Bigfoot, who everyone knows is real, government agents have rushed to the scene of a car accident that killed an actual Bigfoot, and replaced it with a drunk guy in a military “ghillie suit”, designed to trick people into thinking the wearer is Bigfoot.

People involved in the accident said they definitely killed a real Bigfoot, and that they didn’t see him because they were looking up at the flying saucer they were following. Then it is claimed that government agents materialized out of nowhere and replaced the real Bigfoot with a fake one.

Asked about the purpose of the “ghillie suit”, a military spokesman said: “The ghillie suit is designed by paranormal experts to mimic the real look and feel of an actual Bigfoot, and it is named after their pet Bigfoot, Ghillie. We generally use this type of suit to scare enemy soldiers away, or else to get them scrambling for their cameras so we can defeat them more easily. They generally feel silly after we capture them with this ruse, but there’s always one of them who says they’ve actually seen a real Bigfoot, and everyone shouldn’t laugh.”

Speculation from locals about why the government would take the trouble to cover up a real Bigfoot ranged from: “They always do stuff like that, don’t they?” to: “Well, what are we paying taxes for if they’re not going to intrigue everybody with cover-ups and stuff?”

Here’s the sasquatch-squashing story:

Democrats Storm Republican Convention, Nominate Todd Akin

With the distraction of the oncoming tropical storm Isaac, and the cover of endless droning on cable news stations speculating about how Republicans are going to sabotage their chances in November with more foot-in-mouth speech controversies that the media could focus on instead of the economy and national debt, Democrats decided to take no chances and stormed the Republican National Convention in Tampa Tuesday, chasing out Republican delegates and nominating Todd Akin as the Republican nominee for president. Akin erupted a firestorm of controversy recently over his comments regarding “legitimate rape”, and since Democrats were not certain they could use ‘guilt by association’ tactics sufficiently to blame Mitt Romney for Akin’s views, they decided to leave nothing to chance and simply take over the Republican convention and nominate Todd Akin as the Republican presidential candidate. Since this type of invasion is unprecedented, which saw Akin actually nominated at the real Republican convention, and the national convention nominee is always by tradition the official party contender, it looks as though the legal battle over the validity of Akin’s candidacy will go on until well past the election, by which time it will be too late for Akin to be removed from the ballot, and the election will have been decided. Reince Priebus, the RNC chairman, said: “They caught us with our pants down. We certainly weren’t expecting decisive action from the Democratic party. I guess we’ll just try again with Mitt Romney in four more years and hope for the best. Unless of course this backfires on Democrats and Akin is elected president. Then the joke will be on them.”

Monday, August 27, 2012

Superman’s Fortress of Solitude Melts

No, it wasn’t a dastardly plot by Lex Luthor, nor the vengeance of General Zod; it was simple climate change that has led to the melting of Superman’s legendary man cave, the Fortress of Solitude. With record Arctic ice melting this summer, it seems Superman’s cool getaway was no match for the power of our yellow sun. Yes, as a consequence of global warming trends, melting Arctic ice could no longer support the super structure, the contents of which slid into the sea. (Aquaman is reportedly enjoying his newly furnished undersea man cave.)

Now that this has happened, it looks like Superman will be lacking in solitude, and perhaps this is why DC Comics is having Superman and Wonder Woman hook up as a new couple! (Yowza!) In fact, maybe it’s the heat from this new couple that’s melting the Arctic after all!

Here’s the super saddening story (but the buzzkill government covered up the Superman angle again):

And here’s the comic romance tale:

The Rhythm Method Kids to Sing at Republican Convention

In order to promote the “only moral method of contraception”, the Republican convention will showcase the talents of the singing group The Rhythm Method Kids, a singing group made up of thousands of unplanned and unwanted children born through the use of the unreliable “rhythm method” family planning method. It is called a “family planning” method, rather than a contraceptive method, because if you use it, you can plan on having a really big family. The singing group is so big, in fact, that delegates will be required to exit the convention center and watch the group perform from outside on large closed-circuit TV screens set up in the parking lot. When it was pointed out how large the singing group is, and how it got that way through the use of the “rhythm method”, Republicans countered: “Hey, at least we have a singing group of unplanned and unwanted children. You will notice the Democrats don’t even have a singing group of unplanned children because they use condoms and birth-control pills. Well, they’re missing out!”

Republicans Address Charge of “War on Women”

Democrats have leveled the charge again and again that the Republicans are waging a “war on women”. But what are the facts? Investigative journalists have uncovered a clandestine weapons research and development facility run by the RNC, and it appears their research is going along gender-related lines. When pressed on this subject, and faced with this evidence, Reince Priebus, commander in chief of the he-man woman-haters club (also known as the Republican Party), said: “Okay, so we’re developing weapons that only work against women, like bombs that only kill women, and gender-sensing bullets that only target women, but that doesn’t mean we’re waging a war against women. I mean, have we actually used these weapons yet? No! But it doesn’t hurt to be prepared, does it? You know: just in case, as a deterrent.”

When asked why Republicans would seek to develop such a misogynist arsenal, Priebus stated: “Hey, how come women are always attacking Republicans? They started it! We’re only trying to defend ourselves. After all, women make up over half the population of the world. I mean, if they attack, how can we be sure of our survival? That’s why it’s important to have weapons that only work against women, you know, to ensure mankind’s survival. And if they want to start something, we’ll finish it!” When pressed that if women were all gone, how could mankind’s survival be ensured, Priebus thought for a minute, and said: “Hey, we could always clone each other. I mean, if only Republicans weren’t opposed to it. Sometimes those guys can be so impractical and anti-science. I mean… Damn: I knew I’d get smeared if I spoke to the liberal media! This interview is over!”

Sunday, August 26, 2012

MetLife Peanuts Ads Voices

Since MetLife uses Peanuts characters in their ads, shouldn’t all the adults and announcers speaking in the ads sound like that muffled horn gobbledygook from the Peanuts TV specials that sounds like: “Wha wah wha wah wah wah”? That would be far more consistent with the Peanuts universe. And if they’re not going to do that in the ads, then why bother using Peanuts characters? They should stay true to the source, man. (They could always just do what they do in the TV specials when they want us to know what an adult is saying: simply have the adult say the “wha wah wah” gobbledygook, and then have Charlie Brown repeat what they said as a question, as if to say: “That’s what you said, right?” I’m sure we’d all prefer that sort of language in insurance advertising anyway, right? Because after all, that’s what all their policy fine print seems like when we read it {“wha wah wah”-esque gobbledygook, that is}, so it would seem a lot more honest from the start to have their ads use that kind of language.)

Elevator Advertising

I was reading an article about advertising profits and what they revealed about the state of the industry, and I noticed that one large advertising conglomerate owns a company called “Captivate” that does advertising for elevators. I love that they use the word “captive”, as in a captive audience, in the name of their company. It makes it feel like they exploit people they imprison, which seems true in spirit at least, doesn’t it? But the state of elevator advertising fails to truly exploit the possibilities of the captive audience, and that’s why I’m going to lay out here my vision for the ultimate elevator advertising company strategy.

Now first off, we all understand that people in an elevator are a captive audience, but that doesn’t mean they will look at your advertising, right? Well that’s why it’s so great that you’ve got them in an elevator! What elevator ad firms could do to ensure that elevator passengers will definitely look at the ads is practically limitless. First off, they could install a camera in all of the elevators they place ads in (it wouldn’t even have to be a real camera; it would only have to seem real). Then they could have a voice on the intercom say: “We’re watching all of you on our camera, and if you don’t look at the ads, we’ll send you plummeting to your deaths.” Or, if that’s too grim of a threat, how about this one instead: Stop the elevator between floors, and have the voice say: “The elevator has stopped, and it will remain stalled until all of you look at the advertising in the elevator here. We’re watching you through the video camera, so we’ll know if you do it or not, so you better all do it if you ever want to get out of this elevator.” And if this does not produce immediate action, a contingency plan could be either to have the elevator walls slowly begin closing in on passengers, or else have the floor slowly begin pulling out from beneath panicked passengers’ feet, or perhaps long sharp spikes could descend from the ceiling instead, until everyone started looking at the ads. Also, they might simply play the most annoying music imaginable in the elevator, and make the announcement at each floor that for everyone who looks at the ads, they will turn the volume down, and for everyone who does not look at the ads, the will turn the volume up.

But threat tactics might not always work. There’s always someone who just has to rebel against authority or who does the opposite of what they’re told. And there’s also always the possibility that some tattletale will rat the company out to the police or something just like some goody-goody teacher’s pet at school. So with this in mind, there are other possible strategies to aid in making elevator passengers look at the advertising in the elevator. It’s possible to spray some kind of psychotropic narcotic mist into the elevator, and then have a calm, soothing voice say: “You are feeling very compelled to look at the advertising on the walls of this elevator. Why don’t you just do it? It will make you feel better.” And maybe they could even hypnotize people into purchasing the products in the ads. Or else perhaps they could stop the elevator between floors and say: “We’re sorry. There’s been a technical problem, and we’ll have this elevator back up and running as soon as possible. In the mean time, while you’re waiting, you might want to check out some of the advertising we’ve placed on the walls. It’s very interesting and informative.”

There’s a myriad of potential strategies to implement in the exciting field of elevator advertising which companies are not yet taking advantage of. But hopefully soon all of our lives will be drastically improved with the coming miracle of elevator advertising possibilities!

Here’s the captivating commercial column:

New Internet Ad Strategies

Apparently Internet advertisers get paid per click; that is to say, they get money every time someone clicks on their ad/link. (I would also assume they get paid for the ad that sits on the webpage annoying everyone even if nobody clicks on it, but maybe they don’t, and that’s why so many of them are so annoying.) Well, if this is the case, and they want more people to click on the ads, why not devise a new strategy which guarantees lots of clicks?

What would that be? Well, obviously, they would have to be camouflaged as something else. So what they could do is have someone write fascinating news story headlines, or perhaps make up some salacious news story, and provide a link to this “story”; then when people clicked on it, it would just take them to the ad, and they’d get all their clicks. I mean, sure, it’s deceptive, but so are many advertising claims, so what’s the difference? And the Internet surfers could just hit the back button immediately and go about the rest of their day, so they only will have been distracted for a matter of a second or two, which is less time than a TV commercial, so they’re really saving time when you think about it.

Well, if the FTC decides to be a buzzkill about this strategy, there’s always another direction to take. We all know about how many Internet ads have annoying flashing lights or colors, or have dancing, moving graphics that make them impossible to ignore but also give everyone a headache. Well, this strategy can backfire, in making people mad. What might work better instead would be to have the ad be normal-looking and unassuming, but with the threat that if everyone didn’t click on the ad within 15 seconds, it would start to flash and dance and blare loud car alarm sirens until people did click on it. This may seem like blackmail of sorts, but hey: advertisers have to make a living too, you know.

And if this works, or doesn’t work because people don’t notice the ad, or leave the page to avoid the annoying sirens and flashing graphics, then they could always up the ante: threaten people to click on the ads “or else”. The threat could be vague in nature, like saying “you’re going to get it”, or “you’re in big trouble”, or it could be very specific, like saying: “We have your daughter, and we’ll kill her if you don’t click on this ad”, or else maybe: “We’ve secretly been filming you with your webcam doing really embarrassing things; click on this ad now or we’ll compile the worst parts and post them online”.

And if all else fails, there’s only one thing left to do: build the link into every news story or desirable link on the entire Internet, so that it goes to an ad first without warning people. This is pretty underhanded, yes, but perhaps the ad could have a little button on the top of it that allows the user to skip the ad after the first 15 seconds or something. Oh, but I think they’re doing this on some content already, aren’t they? So we click on the ad counter without intending to, the ad guys who subject us to this crap get paid against our wishes, and there’s nothing we can do about it? Those fiends! And on top of it all, making everyone mad like this might even build animosity against the products in the ads, having the opposite effect from what was intended, and they still have to pay for it.

Well, if they’re going to make everyone mad at them anyway, why not be even bigger jerks about it, and use the strategies I have formulated above? In fact, if the government mandated this type of Internet ad placement strategy, perhaps it would make the Internet so infuriating to use, everyone would stop using it so much and go outside and get active and get healthy and in-shape and interact with real people once in a while for a change. But that would be government oppression, man, so naturally I oppose it: especially if it’s beneficial!

Saturday, August 25, 2012

GQ’s Clever Paul Ryan Pot Peer Pressure Ploy

Brilliant GQ author Luke Zaleski has set up the perfect trap for Paul Ryan. In suggesting that it’s problematic that Paul Ryan has “probably” never smoked marijuana (I like how this author doesn’t know the facts, so he makes them up: very slick and I’m sure ethical!), he’s basically peer pressuring Paul Ryan into trying pot, just like some bully delinquent in high school. And this will obviously make Paul Ryan insecure and feel like a loser, so he’ll just go out and smoke a huge reefer, whereupon (since marijuana is a gateway drug) he’ll just crave all kinds of other drugs, and the next thing you know, Paul Ryan will be found by an investigative journalist all strung out on angel dust, Special K, amyl nitrite and crystal meth after he fails to show up at the Republican national convention. And then he’ll have to drop off the ticket, Mitt Romney will lose for picking such a drug addict as a VP candidate, and President Obama will be ushered into a second term!

I mean, I’m sure Mr. Zaleski is an unbiased journalist simply reporting on an important story, but it’s just going to end up helping the president anyway; you know, by accident. And who can argue with this author’s point? I mean, screw the issues: America is totally fine, and the only thing that matters is whether or not our leaders have puffed on a spliff before (and hopefully done a lot of coke too). F*ck policy, dude, let’s party!

In fact, upon further reflection, I’m not so sure Paul Ryan should even be allowed to run for VP if he hasn’t smoked pot before. So maybe President Obama could sign an executive order that says every vice-presidential candidate must prove they have smoked weed by coming to the White House and smoking a bowl right there in front of everyone. Oh, but when he did it, Obama could have the DEA arrest him and throw him in jail for pot possession! And the whole thing would be a trap, and Paul Ryan fell for it! What an idiot! If he was a pothead, he would have been way too paranoid to fall for that crap! And that’s why our VP candidates need to have smoked pot before: so they won’t fall for narc traps like this! (Iran could dupe him into a narc trap anytime if he won, and then where would we be without our vice president? You won’t catch Joe Biden with a narc trap: that guy’s obviously stoned all the time to say all the ridiculous stuff that keeps falling out of his mouth!) Plus, it’s the vice president job he’s running for, so he needs to be down with all the vices to be qualified, man! So come on, Paul: fire up a big sticky spliff right now!

Here’s the political pot-puffin’ peer-pressure piece (it’s a pretty fun read):

The Woman in Black Sequels

The recent Hammer film The Woman in Black was a massive hit for the resurrected horror studio, earning approximately $130 Million in box office alone from a modest $15 Million budget. So naturally they’re anxious to try to replicate this success with a sequel. From what I understand, a sequel of sorts (tentatively titled The Woman in Black: Angels of Death) is already in the works, with the haunted mansion Eel Marsh House from the previous movie being the locale for a makeshift military hospital during wartime, and our titular menace providing scares and stuff, I think. But is this really the best way to go here? I think another direction might have been a better idea, using the original setup again, but with a new twist to keep it fresh and zeitgeisty with social commentary.

Here’s my conception of an appropriate sequel for The Woman in Black: As we all know, the eponymous mourning-wearing ghost lady likes to kill children in the village where she, um, lives (?), and works as the local haunted attraction. Our story would begin in the present day. The reputation of the village for being so fatal to kids is kept as much of a secret as possible, but word has gotten out to a minimal degree. Most of the original families have moved away from the village, but there are still some people (adults) living there, as it’s in such a picturesque locale. But as rumors of the village’s ghost spread, some families with extreme problem children hear about it, and at the end of their wits from their children’s outrageous delinquency, they threaten to move there in the hopes that they can scare their kids into behaving themselves. Unfortunately, these kids are so used to getting away with anything and everything, what with spanking being considered child abuse, and any time any parent yells at their child, someone videos it on their cell phone and posts it online as a public shaming (and then the parent gets charged with child abuse), these children have become completely spoiled and convinced that nobody will ever be able to punish them for anything. So, dismissing the threats of moving in such a bratty and insolent way, all of these tortured parents, reaching the end of their ropes, snap and decide to move to Crythin Gifford, secretly hoping the Woman in Black will kill their horrible delinquent children before they do.

So all of the aforementioned families move to Crythin Gifford around the same time, and it isn’t long before their unruly brats form gangs and terrorize the town, violently attacking everyone, torturing animals, spraying graffiti everywhere, robbing everyone’s homes and businesses, sexually assaulting each other, etc. And any time anyone tries to discipline the children, the kids claim it’s child abuse and that person gets arrested. Well, all of this activity has caused something to stir in the Eel Marsh House across the causeway… Yes, it’s the Woman in Black: she hears the voices and activity of children, and she comes to get her revenge on the town! Oh, but once in the town, and after witnessing a taste of the absolute pandemonium these awful hooligan kids have unleashed upon this unsuspecting formerly peaceful hamlet, she decides that the far worse punishment would be to let these children live, rather than killing them, so she does not kill the kids, delivering unbearable shock and horror to the entire adult population of the town. And the children taunt their parents, saying: “See? I told you nobody’s allowed to punish us!”, and they become worse delinquents than ever. The Woman in Black has had her revenge once again! The End.

Then, if this movie is a success (or even if it’s a failure, but they want to make another sequel to cash in on the original movie), they could make a further sequel: The Woman in Black’s Dog. (Someone made a movie called Dracula’s Dog once, so why not this?) So here’s how this movie would work:

As we see in the film The Woman in Black, one family copes with the loss of their son by getting two little Paris Hilton-style lap dogs and dressing them up and treating them like children. So, in this sequel, it’s a few years after the events of the first movie, and more and more families have lost their children to the wrath of the Woman in Black’s vengeful spirit, and seeing as how well the toy dogs have worked as surrogate children for other mourning parents, everyone else decides to do this as well, adopting dogs to serve as replacement children to assuage their loss and loneliness. So what happens now is that we find out that the Woman in Black actually had a faithful dog, and it knew about how heartbroken its owner was, and how much she still wants to get revenge on the townsfolk (and it knows she committed suicide, and so it wants revenge on the townsfolk as well), but with all the children now dead, she can’t hurt them anymore, because she’s only allowed to kill children, or something. So anyway, her dog, knowing how much his loving owner the Woman in Black still wants to get revenge and stuff, and realizing that the little toy dogs are what the parents of the village love now, the Woman in Black’s dog rises from the grave as a ghost dog (a big spooky black Great Dane), and he haunts and kills all the dogs in the village, making everyone horrified and miserable again, and making the Woman in Black proud. The End.

And then, if this movie is a success, the townspeople could replace their dead dogs with kittens, and then it could turn out that the Woman in Black also had a cat, and…

(And maybe the next movie could be with goldfish, and then hamsters, and then pet rocks, etc.)

BTW: I actually like kids. I just enjoy making fun of the new hippie child-rearing policies of no punishment allowed for really bad behavior, because kids are really smart, and they learn quickly that they can get away with almost anything when there’s no punishment allowed.

Friday, August 24, 2012

A New Breed of Outlaw Biker Gang?

Hey, now that we’ve got so many American cyclists, as well as so many international cyclists, who have been caught for doping (or accused and punished anyway without cheating), how about a new outlaw biker gang movie fad? These movies could star Lance Armstrong, Floyd Landis, etc., and they could be rebelling against the anti-doping authorities, just like the other outlaw biker gangs rebelled against authority in their movies in the sixties! (Plus, I think the authorities in those 1960s movies wanted to stop the bikers from using dope too.)

So the plot of these movies could be as follows: The “outlaw bikers” (the banned racing cyclists) could decide to race in some cycling race they’re banned from, and they race in it against the rules. So the anti-doping committee has to try to stop them from racing, and they try to catch them, but they can’t catch them because they’re such great cyclists. So it would be kind of like Dirty Mary, Crazy Larry, only on bicycles instead of in badass muscle cars. And if the Hollywood movie studio insisted on some hot love interest, maybe she could ride on the handlebars or something. It would be great! Just like Smokey and the Bandit! (but with professional cyclists and anti-doping authorities instead of cops and robbers.) Think of how zeitgeisty it would be!

And if this fad caught on, maybe banned cyclists could secretly crash the races they’re banned from participating in just as a form of protest! And it would create a whole new breed of “outlaw biker gang”! (Because technically they’re breaking the rules by racing when they’re supposed to be banned from the sport.) And then maybe they could form their own outlaw biker gangs, like the “Banned Substances”, or the “Stripped Medals”, and harass other cyclists when they’re trying to train for races and stuff. And they could ride chopper 10-speed bikes while wearing spandex motorcycle jackets and spiked WWI German Army helmets and stuff.

Lance Armstrong for Motorcycle Ads?

Hey, we all know by now about how the US Anti-Doping Agency has moved to ban Lance Armstrong from cycling for life and to strip him of all his career wins, and all over some hearsay evidence from anonymous witnesses. Well, this whole headache has been going on for years, with some American guy at the USADA determined to destroy one of the all-time great American athletes and forever stain American athletic achievement no matter what the cost. So with such an incredible legacy of persecution, maybe Lance Armstrong could do ads for motorcycles and say: “You know, you don’t have to pedal a bike yourself to get places. If only I had just ridden a motorcycle, I would have avoided all of this trouble! And I would have arrived faster, too!” Then he could end with: “(Whatever brand of) Motorcycles: It’s the only kind of bike the USADA can’t stop me from riding!”

USADA Bans Superman, Batman for Life

High with power after banning champion cyclist Lance Armstrong from cycling for life, the USADA (United States Anti-Doping Agency) fixed its gaze upon another group suspected of using performance-enhancing drugs: superheroes. Yes, it’s pretty clear these guys didn’t earn their muscles and superpowers so much as they cheated to get them with steroids, or so claims USADA head TT Tygart, saying: “No, it’s not just that I’m jealous and want to ruin it for everyone: it’s that they’re cheaters, and we must remove cheaters from society! Cosmic rays and Gamma rays and years of training my foot: they’re cheaters and they know it!” And with that, the USADA banned Superman, Batman, and the entire Justice League, as well as The Avengers for life from superheroism. Crime rates instantaneously shot up astronomically, with super villains saying: “Ha ha! Now we’ll take over the world! What a stupid piece of sh!t that guy is! Oh well, just blame him when you’re crying for help, and none ever arrives! Mwa ha ha!” But Tygart responded that we don’t need help from a bunch of cheaters anyway, right before Dr. Doom melted his head off with an energy ray, and right before he was about to ban the super villains too. But we must ban the heroes first, Tygart said, because people look up to them, and they shouldn’t; they should look up to him instead, because he’s the only hero around here that anyone should be allowed to worship. Too bad he didn’t count on the super villains not recognizing his authority. Oh, well.

Reports are swirling that USADA had more anonymous hearsay as “evidence” against the superheroes, and investigative journalists claim these “witnesses” were nothing more than the super villains themselves, who merely wanted to remove their enemies from the fight. Tygart was apparently only too willing to use this underhanded ploy to destroy the heroes merely out of jealousy that he didn’t have big muscles or charisma. But when we tried to get confirmation of this, we were shown the ashes of our former investigative journalists, and told by masked marauders who punched and kicked us: “You’ll never know now, ha ha ha!”

(Yes, I got fooled by Lance Armstrong too.)

Tygar: The Anti-Doping Superhero

Investigations spurred by allegations of doping against Travis T. Tygart have revealed a stockpile of steroids and a superhero costume found in a secret storage space rented out to someone who reportedly “looks a lot like” Travis T. Tygart. It has been postulated by investigators that Mr. Tygart, the chief executive officer of the USADA, has been secretly taking steroids in order to have the physical strength to defeat steroid-using athletes as his superhero alter-ego: Tygar. The superhero costume is orange with black tiger stripes on it, with a mask that looks like a tiger, and a big broken syringe on the chest, and “Tygar” written across a cape. It has not been established yet that the costume is indeed Tygart’s, or that Tygart is using steroids, but investigators stated: “I mean, what else are we supposed to think here? Obviously this guy started to see his life as a giant one-man crusade against steroids and other performance-enhancing drugs, and in order to win this fight, he got seduced into using steroids himself, like so many athletes with the ‘win at all costs’ attitude. I mean, you can see from the way he ruthlessly persecutes innocent athletes that his mind has been twisted by this obvious fanaticism and obsession with winning, and people like that are generally the most susceptible to steroid use.”

Still, it has not been explained, if Tygart is indeed using steroids and posing as a superhero alter-ego, why he seemingly has no bulging muscles anywhere, although scientists have hypothesized that he becomes hugely muscular when he puts on the superhero costume, which psychologically triggers the steroids, so he bursts into a ripped, muscular physique like the guy in the video game Altered Beast. But whether this new superhero is Tygart himself, or merely someone else inspired by Tygart to combat steroid use in athletics, it’s wonderful to have a new caped crusader afoot in our glorious country to fight against cheating in sports (although it does not excuse him using steroids himself!). And it’s also possible, however unlikely, that the stash of steroids found with the superhero costume are merely the steroids confiscated from cheating athletes by our new hero, and that he’s not even using them himself, but merely defeating the steroid menace with the power of his own obsessive personality. And maybe this would make more sense after all, because it generally does not work to fight fire with fire, unless it’s like an oil well fire or something, or like maybe a brush fire, or a forest fire, and you’re fighting fire indirectly with other fire by getting rid of potential fuel or something. So maybe he doesn’t use steroids.

In any case, we can only hope we will soon see the spectacle of Tygar the superhero busting his way into athletic competitions as they are broadcast on television, grabbing cheating athletes and forcing them to confess to the world that they’re “juicing”! Why, it will be like watching a Batman movie, except where the bad guys are champion athletes rather than super villains, and it’s funny, rather than exciting. In fact, why not just make a superhero movie of Tygar: The Steroid-Smashing Superhero! (And because he’s against “juicing”, maybe the movie could be sponsored by sugary sodas, or else by Jamba Juice, who says: “Juice the right way with the all-natural ingredients in Jamba Juice!”)

(Now, naturally I’m just joking here: Tygart is not a superhero. He only thinks he is.)

USADA’s Travis T. Tygart Accused of Doping

In a shocking and ironic turn of events, the USADA’s chief executive officer Travis T. Tygart has been accused of doping and stripped of all duties until his case can be resolved. This comes directly on the heels of news that Tygart’s relentless persecution of Lance Armstrong finally wore Armstrong down to the point that he finally gave up and said it was no longer worth it to fight the allegations anymore when no amount of proof of innocence is ever enough to end the charges.

Ironically, this victory for Tygart raised some serious red flags with championship athletes worldwide. A high-profile cyclist who competed against Armstrong (who declined to be identified for this report) leveled the accusations against Tygart, saying: “Lance Armstrong is one of the greatest endurance athletes of all time. He can outlast anyone. I tried on many occasions to best him, but I couldn’t. None of us could. That’s why when this guy from the USADA defeated Armstrong in an endurance contest, it raised a lot of red flags for us. I mean, who is this Tygart guy anyway? For a guy like him to outlast Armstrong, I mean, he must be juicing! What else could it be?”

Searches of Tygart’s home and office have not turned up anything incriminating, but that obviously means he is running a very sophisticated doping program. And the fact that Tygart’s name has three capital Ts in it looks bad for him, as a capital T looks kind of like a syringe, and this suggests Tygart may in fact use steroids himself. After all, steroids make people overly aggressive, vindictive, combative, obsessive, and more likely to throw caution to the wind to catch those they are chasing, as evidenced in Tygart’s handling of the Lance Armstrong case. Experts agree that people just don’t so aggressively and ruthlessly pursue investigations like that unless they’re “juicing”, and have “’roid rage”. Unfortunately for Tygart, these suggestions, and how they make things look, are quite sufficient to end his career if USADA decides to make an example of him, which seems only fair under the circumstances. Tygart claimed this whole situation is unfair, but admitted it was at least poetic justice.

(Of course, this is just a joke: Tygart has not been accused of doping: yet!)

USADA Bans Lance Armstrong from Cycling

(I'm leaving this post as-is to show I got duped too. I guess I wanted to believe.)

I’m afraid it’s true: The USADA has banned Lance Armstrong from cycling. And this is a serious ban. This ban applies to all kinds of cycling, not just racing. He can’t even ever ride a bicycle for exercise anymore: it’s that serious of a ban. So if you were hoping to see Lance Armstrong get into and dominate the world of unicycling, forget it. The same goes for BMX biking, both competitive and hobby. And if you were hoping to see Lance Armstrong riding around on a Big Wheel or a Green Machine, forget it: they’re technically tricycles, which also qualifies as cycling. Also, no motorcycles, dirt bikes, mini bikes, etc., for Armstrong, as the USADA is very serious about this ban, which will require Armstrong to wear an ankle bracelet with an anti-cycling sensor on it which will blare an ear-splitting alarm sound if he gets within 10 yards of a cycle of any kind, including parked motorcycles, and bicycles chained up to parking meters and such (Armstrong must stay at least 10 yards away from all cycles wherever they may be, even stored in stairwells or just anyone riding down the sidewalk on one).

And in probably the punishment that burns the most, Lance Armstrong will be banned from exercise bike use as well, and his name will be stripped from all Lance Armstrong stationary exercise bikes in homes throughout the world. A USADA task force will be sent door-to-door around the entire globe to be sure Armstrong’s name is stripped off of every last exercise bike the world over (your tax dollars at work: but before you whine, just think of all the jobs it will create!). And just to be sure they get them all, the task force will kick in every door and search every home that does not answer the door. The same goes for every gym, office, warehouse, van, truck, or storage space in the entire world. This may seem like government overreach, but performance-enhancing drugs set a bad example to our children, so no effort is too great to stamp them out, from constant harassment and smearing the character of sports heroes to never-ending witch hunts that lead nowhere at great taxpayer expense, and yes, even breaking and entering and defacement of private property, and making America look bad in the eyes of the world by insisting that everyone who wins anything must have cheated without any evidence to back up the claim: sports heroes must be destroyed to prove that performance-enhancing drugs are wrong! Winners might have taken them, so they must be forced to admit they did it, even if they didn’t! Besides, success is wrong, and must be punished! It’s for the children, you see.

Oh, and also by USADA demand, LiveStrong must now change its name to CheatStrong, and nobody else is allowed to beat cancer without being accused of cheating and dragged through the mud. And anyone caught with a LiveStrong bracelet without the word “Cheat” on it from now on will be subject to humiliation on the pillory. And furthermore, Lance Armstrong’s name, by order of the USADA, must be changed to Hypodermic Armsonlystrongfromsteroids.

Now, out of fairness I feel I really must include the fact that Lance Armstrong has not admitted to using banned substances, and he continues to deny the charges. But only a guilty person would do that, right? An innocent man would always admit to whatever the USADA accused them of, because to deny it is tantamount to calling them liars, and that’s just rude.

Here’s the steroidy story:

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Prince Harry Ruins Vegas Ad Campaign

Hey, we all bought into it, right? What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas! And that means you can live out your most immoral, criminally perverted fantasy without fear of discovery or prosecution if only you do it in Las Vegas; at least, that was the marketing claim. And I’m sure most of us have gone there and done unspeakable acts, expecting that neither hide nor hair of our debased, degenerate debauchery would ever rear its ugly head into the carefully constructed charade of normality we disingenuously and derisively call our everyday lives.

Oh, but thanks to Prince Harry blowing the whistle on this little enterprise Vegas apparently (allegedly) has been running, everyone is going to realize now that their every move has been documented (allegedly!) by hidden cameras, and it’s only a matter of time before they’re blackmailed or publicly exposed to their spouses and employers (allegedly!). And now that we all know about it, hardly anyone will go to Las Vegas to live out their sick, twisted, disgustingly depraved lunatic shenanigans any longer (unless some of them actually enjoy the masochism of such humiliation: for these individuals will be pleasantly surprised and rewarded beyond their wildest dreams! {Allegedly.}), and Vegas will lose all their business to Atlantic City from now on. (Just think of it: Won’t the magic of living out one’s wildest corrupt fantasies lose its luster if they must be performed in New Jersey? When one does stuff like that there, it just makes it seem commonplace, doesn’t it?)

So thanks, Prince Harry, for ruining it for everyone! You pampered Royals think you can just do anything you want, don’t you? Even ruining a great ad campaign isn’t beneath you apparently! Oh, for shame! A lot of ad people spent a lot of time tricking everyone into coming to Vegas to lose all their money and behave like reprobates with that ad campaign, and now it was all for nothing! Happy now? I mean, sure; you get to debase yourself with excesses and scandalous behavior all the time wherever you want to, but for most people, there’s only one place where we thought we could do it, and now that hope is gone forever. And I think that’s just sad.

Here’s the salacious story:

And here’s a commercial from this crafty campaign, tricking us into thinking we can get away with anything in Las Vegas:

(P.S.: This is just as joke. Vegas does not conspire to photograph and blackmail its visitors. It only conspires to get them all liquored-up and trick them into losing all their money gambling.)

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Horror Movie Killers as Advertising Spokesmen?

Hey, we all know Leatherface from The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, right? Well, with horror movies becoming mainstream like they are nowadays, why not co-opt horror movie killers to advertise the implements they use to kill people in the movies? So Leatherface could be shown to be stalking and killing some teenager, and then he could turn to the camera and say (talking through his mask): “Hi. I’m Leatherface. (Whatever brand of) chain saws are great for chopping up teenagers, but they’re also great for lots of other things! They’re great for chopping down trees to trap unsuspecting motorists on back roads, and for chopping up and removing the downed trees after they’ve served their purpose of trapping your victims (and they show Leatherface cutting through a downed tree). They’re great for cutting lumber for building projects (and they show Leatherface cutting lumber and building a makeshift prison cell). They’re great for preparing dinner (and they show Leatherface chopping up some victim for meat). They’re even great for chasing away unwanted visitors (and they show Leatherface brandishing the chain saw at sheriff’s deputies and chasing them off). Yes, I just love my (whatever brand) chain saw; and you will too! Don’t be caught without one, or you’re dead meat!”

Then, if that worked, perhaps some kitchen knife company could make a line of Halloween co-branded cooking knives, and have Michael Myers be the spokesman. He could stalk some teenagers around a house, catch up with them in the kitchen and kill them, and then turn to the camera and say (without removing his William Shatner mask): “Big kitchen knives are great for stalking and killing sexually-active teenagers. But they’re also great for cooking! Carving and chopping up ingredients can be fun and easy with my new Halloween kitchen knife collection. They’re made of strong stainless steel, and they stay sharp after lots and lots of use, so there’s no more need to sharpen your knives between slasher killings and preparing your next dinner party! That’s Halloween kitchen knives: Buy them, or I’ll come after you!”

And perhaps even Freddy Krueger can get in on the action, advertising for Vivarin or some such wakefulness product. We could see some teenager fall asleep, and then Freddy Krueger attacks and kills them, and he turns to the camera and says: “Want this to happen to you too? The next time you fall asleep, I just might target you for death! That’s why you need Vivarin: it helps keep you awake so I can’t kill you yet. That’s Vivarin: If you want to live, you’d better buy it! Otherwise… (and he does that finger across the neck gesture that means ‘curtains’.)”


As we all know, many people use Facebook. It seems to be the big “it” thing for everyone to do. It was recently reported that many Facebook pages are not even for real people. In fact, some people might even have Facebook pages made of them without their knowledge or consent. And some people might prefer the obscurity of not using Facebook to the marketing exploitation that Facebook use is apparently all about. That’s why now there’s Effacebook, the service that lets you efface yourself from Facebook, and all other Internet searches.

Yes, remove yourself from the public scrutiny of Internet existence with Effacebook! If you’re tired of being remembered for that time you pooped your pants in elementary school, the time you got blackout drunk and streaked through high school, getting yourself put on the sex offender registry, or the time you denied the baby was yours only to have a DNA test prove you were lying, get on Effacebook: we’ll quietly remove all your Internet profiles for you so you can retreat back into your self-imposed hermitlike obscurity once again! That’s Effacebook: sign up today!

(I don’t know of an actual service called Effacebook that does this kind of thing, but maybe there ought to be one?)

Chinese Beachgoers Show Support for Pussy Riot

Incensed over the egregious prison sentence meted out to the Russian performance art protest group Pussy Riot, and further angered by reports that Russian authorities were searching for more members of the group to arrest and charge, Chinese women came out in force to their local beaches donning the signature colorful “Pussy Riot” balaclavas, saying: “We show solidarity with these brave young women, and we challenge Russian authorities to try to find the other Pussy Riot members here if they can!”

American news outlets got the story wrong once again, claiming these balaclavas worn in support of Pussy Riot were simply to keep the sun off, no doubt swallowing the propaganda dished out by the Chinese secret police, who want to keep the real story out of the public eye for fear of colorful protests breaking out in China. Well, I’d say it’s a little late for that now, wouldn’t you? Just look at those beaches! We all see those Pussy Riot supporters plain as day!

Here are a couple examples of this conspiracy of spin distorting the true story:

Monday, August 20, 2012

Julian Assange Cat Food Ad

Earlier today I posted a bunch of possible ad ideas for Assange’s Ecuadorian embassy situation, and here’s another advertising idea for Assange (although he might need to escape from the embassy to do it; but I suppose the production could always just use a green screen and matte everything in). So in this spot for a luxury brand of canned cat food (like Fancy Feast or Sheba), Assange could be dressed like Blofeld from the early James Bond movies, holding a fluffy white cat (with a diamond collar), and walking around in his secret lair. He would turn to the camera and say: “The American and British governments seem to think I’m some sort of Bond villain, but I’m really just a regular guy. I love cool gadgets (and he walks by a room with a big diamond-covered satellite, like from Diamonds Are Forever), I love neat cars (and he walks past the Aston Martin from Goldfinger, with some henchmen trying to figure out how the spy stuff on it works {maybe one of them can get shot out of the ejector seat in the background}), and I love my cat. (He holds the cat in one arm and strokes the cat with his other hand.) That’s why I’ll only feed her (luxury cat food brand). It’s made from all the best ingredients, with no fillers or preservatives, so it gives Fluffy here great energy, a wonderful disposition, and beautiful hair: just like mine (because he also has white hair). And if it wasn’t as good as they say, I’d know about it! Other brands make quality claims, but my sources have leaked proof to me that they’re involved in some clandestine chicanery with their ingredients and production, and that’s a crime against felinity! My cat is my best friend, so I treat her right. I always feed her (luxury cat food brand): it’s simply the cat’s meow!” (And in a close-up insert shot, the cat says: “Meow.”)

Julian Assange Embassy Asylum Advertising Possibilities?

We all know about this Julian Assange embassy showdown situation by now I’m sure. The British government refuses to let him have safe passage out of England, and he can’t leave the Ecuadorian embassy without getting nicked by bobbies bent on sending him to Sweden to be put to the question. Well, he may have to stay in that embassy for quite some time, and he may need to earn some money to cover his expenses. (Or else he may want to flaunt his celebrity a bit more, or perhaps taunt his persecutors.)

As one of the world’s most famous people in one of the most high-profile situations on Earth right now, Mr. Assange’s every move is being followed by news sources worldwide. And you know what that means: lots of eyeballs on lots of TV screens everywhere! And there’s just nothing advertisers want more than lots of eyeballs watching! So, seeing as how he is in quite a unique position right about now, there are many potential advertising possibilities for his unique position.

To make the most of his situation, and to rub in his outmaneuvering of the English law by managing to get just out of reach of the long arm of the law right under the very noses, Mr. Assange would be a prime candidate for a number of fun TV commercials that would play on the current standoff. Firstly, for example, he could make a TV commercial for a pizza delivery service. They could say: “Want a delicious pizza but don’t want to (or can’t) leave your residence? Then call (whatever pizza place), and we’ll deliver a hot, delicious pizza right to your door!” (And they could show Assange imagining a delicious pizza in a thought bubble, and worrying about getting arrested if he leaves, but then remembering the pizza place, and calling them on the phone. Then we see the delivery guy arriving, being admitted into the embassy, and then personally delivering the pizza to Mr. Assange inside the embassy.)

Also he could do a cute ad for the Smart Car, where they say: “You’ve got a conundrum: You’ve got to get from the embassy to the airport without stepping on English soil. Well that’s no problem with a diplomatic Smart Car!” And then they show the teensy little Smart Car driving through the cramped front gate, driving up the walkway, pulling right up to the front door of the Ecuadorian embassy, and then he gets in and drives off. Then the car is shown driving through the airport and to the gate, and then driving down the airplane walkway, where it stops and lets Assange out right into the airplane door.

In another possible ad, Assange could have his story told briefly, and have them mention how distinctive he looks with his white-blonde hair, and how everyone would instantly recognize him wherever he went, etc., so he has no possibility of escape. Then some guy with dark hair and a mousatche walks out of the embassy, and the news people say: “That’s not him.” (Etc.) Oh, but then they show news footage of Assange arriving in Ecuador with dark hair, and they talk about how natural this brand of hair dye the commercial is for looks.

Also, maybe some shipping company could make fun of this situation by showing a delivery guy coming to the embassy, and picking up a large box and taking it away. Then we see news footage of Assange arriving at the presidential palace in Ecuador, and the shipping company ad says: “We’ll deliver anything reliably and securely for a low rate. Once we pick up a package, there’s nothing on Earth that can stop it from reaching its destination on time, guaranteed!”

Or maybe an Internet service provider could make a commercial using this situation to their advantage. They could say that even if you’re hold up in a cramped and unfamiliar building and you can never leave, you can still run an empire of Internet activities right from your laptop. And with lightning-fast download speeds, etc., you can download, stream, publish, etc., all the top-secret leaked videos you can get your hands on!

Or how about something to do with stress and cramped quarters, like an anti-perspirant? Maybe some clinical-strength anti-perspirant could make a commercial talking about how if you’re counting on the kindness of others to keep you safe in a cramped environment during stressful times, you don’t want to turn them against you with underarm odor! And that's why you should use their brand of underarm anti-perspirant: it has the strength to protect you under the harshest conditions. And they could say: “When stress makes you sweat, (brand) keeps you dry!” Or maybe: “When life stinks, (brand) keeps you smelling like a rose!”

And since he’s stuck in the Ecuadorian embassy, perhaps he could do ads for some language program like Rosetta Stone. They could say he didn’t speak any Spanish, but he had to learn quickly to apply for asylum, communicate with embassy staff, etc. Then they could claim that with any competing language learning system, the embassy staff just would have shrugged their shoulders from not understanding him, and he would have been tossed out on his ear, arrested and sent to Gitmo. Oh, but thanks to learning Spanish quickly, he was granted asylum in a South American country pronto! So remember: when you find yourself on the run from international spies and military intelligence agencies, there's only one language system that helps you learn a new language quickly enough to escape!

Plus, since he has just referred to a “witch hunt” against himself and Wikileaks, perhaps he could do ads for Miracle Whip. They have those ads with the witch hunt theme lately, so maybe they could take the witch hunt ad campaign idea from a new angle and have Julian Assange exhibit a sense of solidarity with Miracle Whip, seeing as how it has been the target of a recent and very public witch hunt as well. And since it is the same color as his hair, they have that in common as well, so they can relate on yet another level.

And who knows: Maybe while they are shooting one of these ads, he could get some stand-in/double to take his place, and he could sneak away and out of the country in the confusion of the filming process. At the very least, he could start a new career for himself: advertising actor & pitchman!

Here’s the sequestered story:

And here’s that Miracle Whip “witch hunt” ad:

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Rhoda: New TV Show?

CBS Sunday Morning had a segment on weeds today, and it reminded me of a piece about invasive plants I wrote a few weeks ago but forgot to post. So here it is:

I was watching Masterpiece Mystery recently (Inspector Lewis), and it started out with some woman asking a group of students to help her eradicate a species of Rhododendron (ponticum) from the Oxford Botanical Gardens. And that made me think of a possible new show called Rhoda (for Rhododendron).

This new show Rhoda could be all about some plant, a Rhododendrum ponticum, who is squatting in a garden in England somewhere, but everyone wants to throw her out. So every episode is how she feels discriminated against, evades capture, gets environmentalists to intervene on her behalf, etc., until she gets to take over all of England with her deadly green-hell-spawn. And this could be a satire about political correctness, prejudice, anti-immigration sentiment, etc., in England, but from an invasive plant species’ perspective. (And they could make the point that weeding a garden of plants like Rhoda is just as discriminatory as trying to prevent other ethnicities/nationalities from emigrating or disallowing multiculturalism, etc., and calling her a weed is like a racist pejorative attack, and assuming she will try to take over the country just because she is a weed is a bigoted prejudicial assumption, etc.; but that all that stuff notwithstanding, weeds really do take over everything if you let them, so you cannot really treat them like human beings, because they’re not like people. So in this show, all the socially aware characters can do all the politically correct things, but it always ends in disaster, because it is misguided to treat weeds like people. {For the uninitiated, these British mystery shows like to have a lot of social values stuff in their programmes, so they’re always trying to make a new plot about something to do with racism, immigration, multiculturalism, etc. And I thought it might be fun to show the flagrant double-standard people have about plants, where everyone oppresses poor innocent plants just because they are considered to be “the wrong kind”.})

Now wouldn’t that be fun? Plus, it would be the first show to regularly cast gardeners as the murderous villains in every episode, saying anyone who wants to remove Rhoda from their garden is just a xenophobe, etc. And they could say their hands are stained with the green blood of chlorophyll (and that green blood is what makes a “green thumb” green), and that they’re planting the seeds of their own destruction by killing plants like Rhoda, etc. And then, with the well-intentioned but ultimately unwise action of some green movement agitators, England is conquered by foreign plants which take over like The Day of the Triffids. (Because people find out that political correctness does not apply to weeds, but by then, it’s too late!)

(Oh, and they could have subplots about how her saplings get addicted to Miracle Gro plant spikes and stuff, or how unfair it is that she and her kind are oppressed, when some people take great care to secretly grow other weeds, like marijuana, etc.)

And this is what it’s going to look like when the environmentalists unknowingly abet these evil invasive species of plants to conquer the world (!):

Saturday, August 18, 2012

DirecTV Football Fairy Toy Store Ad

In this spot for the DirecTV NFL Sunday Ticket, Deion Sanders and Eli Manning are back as the cute little football fairies, flying around trying to peer-pressure all family men into shirking their family responsibilities for an entire day of football-watching slothery every Sunday. Well, apparently Mom’s been complaining about this issue with her daughter, who has been alert and eagle-eyed for these insectoid athletic interlopers in the hopes of capturing them before they can brainwash her father into neglecting her and her mother with football marathons each week. And unluckily for Eli Manning, she’s managed to catch him unaware, sacking his fairy in a death grip before he can ruin her life by making her dad even more addicted to TV and sports. (Now all she has to do it crash that Budweiser wagon, and her father will become a perfect family man!)

I love that these ad creatives had one of these football fairies caught by a family member. I had previously suggested a cat catch and maul them (or for a wife or girlfriend to chase them around and squish them with a flyswatter or a rolled-up newspaper), but a daughter will do nicely. And just for fun, what they ought to do is have this little girl pull the wings off of Eli Manning and trap him in her room, where she forces him to play Barbies with her, making him play the role of Ken. And the further ads in this campaign could show Deion Sanders and maybe Payton Manning trying to lasso more and more men into watching too much football, and then cut to poor Eli still stuck playing Barbies with this little girl. Then they could try to rescue him, but each time they try, another one gets captured and has his wings torn off, and is forced to play Barbies. And in this way, they could rotate in new football stars to advertise the DirecTV football Sunday Ticket service, and after a few ads, they all wind up in the Barbie Dream House dungeon. And in future episodes of this campaign, the ad could show the little girl with dozens of football fairies trapped in her doll house, and her mother could come into her room and say: “Have you caught any more of those damn football fairies?” And the little girl says: “Yep. I kept them away from Daddy like you said. And now I’ve got lots of new Ken dolls to play with too. Barbie’s never lonely anymore!”

And maybe in other football fairy ads, other wives and children could set up other traps and stuff to prevent them from trying to get the husband/father from being encouraged to watch more football by the football fairies. They could set up big bug zappers to catch them in, with like pictures of models, or maybe little mini mugs of beer as bait. Or maybe they could put screen doors over every doorway in the house to keep them out. Or perhaps they could adopt dangerous pets for football fairies, like cats and hawks and ferrets and boa constrictors and baby alligators and Doberman pinschers, etc., to try to prevent the football fairies from corrupting the man of the house with more football-watching downtime.

Here’s the football fairy fable: