Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Fig Newtons Isaac Newton Ad Campaign (Joke/Proposed)

Isaac Newton sits beneath a fig tree reading a book. The announcer says that legend has it that Isaac Newton conceived of his theory of gravity after being hit on the head by an apple. But the truth is, he was hit on the head with a fig. And after conceiving of his theory of gravity, he did something that really matters: he invented Fig Newtons, the delicious, flakey fig-filled cookies that are naturally good for you!” And as we hear this, we see a fig fall and hit Isaac Newton on his head, and after a brief moment with a lightbulb appearing over his head, he picks up the fig, gets another lightbulb over his head, and then he runs into his house and into the kitchen to make the very first Fig Newton. Then, later, we see Isaac Newton serve Fig Newtons to a crowd of scientists and then he presents his theory of gravity. And the scientists are intrigued by the theory, but even more by the delicious new cookie that is both delicious and also naturally nutritious: the Fig Newton!

And further ads in the campaign could show scientists saying how they liked his idea aboujt gravity, but that the most memorable thing about the presentations was the new Fig Newton cookies he invented.

And another ad would show a scientist being asked by others at the university about what the presentation was about at Isaac Newton’s house, and he says he doesn’t remember what was said because of how delicious these new Fig Newton cookies were, and how everyone simply must try them!

Puffs “Fences” Tie-In Ad?

In the ad for the Oscar-nominated movie Fences, there is a dramatic scene where Denzel Washington’s character says it’s hard for him to admit he’s been standing in the same place for eighteen years, and Viola Davis’s character says: “And I’ve been standing with you!” And we know it’s an authentic dramatic moment because Viola Davis has a noticeably runny nose.

And because of the palpably runny nose of hers, this would make a great tie-in ad for Puffs tissues! We simply replay that emotional scene, and then Denzel Washington offers to get Viola Davis a tissue, but she declines, citing how they always scratch her nose raw. But Denzel Washington says Puffs tissues contain moisturizers so they won’t irritate her nose, and so she gratefully accepts one from him, and he says: “Oh, I’m sorry, honey; I thought I told you about Puffs before!”

(BTW: Notice I’m not insulting anyone here, but rather, merely pointing out an advertising opportunity from an award-nominated film tat’s very high profile right now. And seriously: does anyone not notice she could use a tissue in that scene?)

Fiber Ops

A team of insurgent fibers on a search and destroy mission in your colon!

(This is a joke on the Kashi slogan: 7 whole grains on a mission.)

Ass Certs

We all know Certs, the minty fresh lozenges for your mouth. But now, with more fiber in our diets, we need even more minty fresh protection! That’s why there’s new Ass Certs! Ass Cert yourself with Ass Certs!

Simply in Cert the Ass Cert in your ass, and you’ll pass minty fresh scents from your seat all day long!

That’s Ass Certs: Ask for them by name wherever rectal deodorants are sold!

(Sorry, my doctor told me to eat more fiber recently, and I complied, and now I think about gas more often than I used to. Not sure why though…)

Viagra “Soft Target” Ad (Joke/Proposed)

A sexy female assassin is assigned to kill a silver fox businessman. She breaks into his hotel room and sneaks into his bed. “I’ve been waiting for you,” he says. She says: “I was afraid of that. But if you know about me, then you also know I always make my targets happy before I kill them!” She reaches down, and says: “Hey! You’re not even…!” Then the announcer chimed in, saying: “Don’t be a ‘soft target’! Use Viagra!” Then we see some male secret agent come through the window on a rope to rescue the businessman, and our sexy assassin shoots at him in the crotch, but all the bullets bounce off, and so she says: “Finally I’ve found a ‘hard target’!” and she jumps on him, and they both fall out the window, and as we look at the disappointed face of the ‘soft target’ businessman, and his face is all frustration and shame, and then we cut to the falling assassins as they fall onto a waterbed, and the announcer says: “Find out what happens next, at (whatever Viagra’s website it)!”

The Snake Plissken Visa Rule

In response to criticism of President Donald Trump’s travel ban, the White House has ordered a revised travel ban allowing people from banned countries who already have visas to travel to the United States so long as they abide by the Snake Plissken Rule.

The Snake Plissken Rule, officially named the Hauk Policy (named for Lee Van Cleef’s character in the movie Escape from New York), would allow persons from the seven countries enforced under Trump’s travel ban to visit the United States under the condition that they already have a visa, and that they undergo a mandatory heath screening including immunizations for certain diseases. But the inoculations are in fact tiny explosive capsules injected into their carotid arteries timed to explode when their visas expire if they have not left the vicinity of the United States of America. So if they overstay their visas, they will be killed, but if they leave on time, the explosive capsules will naturally dissolve and become harmless.

Critics charge this is tantamount to a criminal threat, and additionally, the explosive capsules don’t really exist anyway, and even if they did, they don’t work. The White House responded that they are willing to admit the capsules may not work, but also said maybe they do, and let’s wait and see if anyone wants to test their efficacy.

This is Snake Plissken:

Thursday, January 26, 2017

Darth Vader Accused of Excessive Force

Darth Vader was arraigned today on accusations that he has used excessive force against combatants and his underlings. Numerous glowing see-though figures appeared at his hearing to attest to his excessive use of force. His only comment in his defense was: “If you only knew the power of the dark side!” before he was granted bail.

Before the hearing he was heard to say, to a court official, through an unexpectedly hot microphone: “The Empire will compensate you if I’m released.”

Head & Shoulders Snow-Themed Characters Ad Campaign (Joke/Proposed)

Mr. Snow Miser, from Rankin Bass’s The Year Without a Santa Claus, sings his song, and someone notices he has flakes on his shoulders, so they say he really is the Snow Miser for sure! And he says he knew he always should have been the Cold Miser to avoid those flakes on his shoulders, but you have to play to what you’re written. But then he’s told that after using Head & Shoulders dandruff shampoo, he can be the Snow Miser and still have no flakes where he doesn’t want them. And he says he always knew he had the power to create flakes wherever he wanted, but now he has the power to avoid them where he doesn’t want them, thanks to Head & Shoulders!

This is the Snow Miser song, for those who are unfamiliar with this camp classic Christmas TV Special:

And then they sing the new song that goes:

I’m Mr. Snow Miser, I’m Sir Snow Flakes,
But with Head & Shoulders, I have no shoulder flakes,
They call me Snow Miser, whatever I touch,
Turns to snow in my clutch, but no dandruff.

Then, further ads would use other snow-themed characters to keep the campaign going, like Frosty the Snowman, and Jon Snow from Game of Thrones, like so:

Frosty the Snowman would have some flakes on his scarf, and his friends would help him brush them off. But then they realize they’re not snowflakes at all, but dandruff flakes, so they get grossed out. But then someone tells Frosty to use Head & Shoulders shampoo, and it gets rid of all the flakes except for the snow flakes. Then we hear a little song about it, based upon the Frosty the Snowman theme song, which goes:

Frosty the Snowman, has some flakes that are not snow,
But he uses Head & Shoulders and then off away they go!

And here’s the Frosty the Snowman theme song:

And then, next, with Jon Snow, we see him in his all black “Crow” uniform, and someone notices he has some flakes on his shoulders. He says it’s just snow, but they say it’s not snowing, and then they find out to their horror that it’s dandruff. Jon Snow says surely he can just comb them out, but Ygritte appears to him as a ghost and says: “You know nothing, Jon Snow!” And so he consults with the Maester at Castle Black, who says he must use Head & Shoulders to rid himself of the flakes which are not the snow but yet fall, and he shall fulfill his destiny. And so Jon Snow uses Head & Shoulders shampoo, and everyone in the wars to come are so distracted by his flakeless, flowing, sexy hair that they are too smitten to fight back, and Jon Snow wins back Winterfell, and then King’s Landing. And when Daenerys Targaryen sees him, she immediately recognizes Jon Snow to be the one for her: the only person in her world without dandruff, and so they get married. And thereafter everyone who does not use Head & Shoulders shampoo gets fed to Daenerys’s dragons. But her dragons still prefer not to eat dandruff, so their victims have to use Head & Shoulders shampoo before they’re sacrificed or else the dragons will go on a rampage and everyone will die a horrible death. And so it is decreed that henceforth everyone in Westeros shall use Head & Shoulders, and then the dragons will only eat people from Essos. And they deserve it for not using Head & Shoulders. The End.