Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Rental Cars

Chuck Schumer is trying to pass a new law that says rental car companies are not allowed to rent cars that are subject to recall and have not been fixed yet. So he wants to inconvenience business owners just because their cars might kill people. What a jerk! He just wants to kill jobs! (That’s the only thing in danger of being killed here, man: jobs!)

Look, we all know this is the kind of liberal job-killing stuff Republicans are always warning about. Don’t fall for it! Everybody knows there’s a risk of dying from renting cars: that’s all part of the fun! What, do you want to live forever? Don’t you want the excitement of “living on the edge”? If you want to live, then buy a car, loser!

I object to the fact that Schumer is trying to deny me that adrenaline thrill-ride I get from rental cars. I mean, yeah, I guess I could just pretend that they’re dangerous, but it’s hardly the same thing at all! He’s just trying to spoil my fun! Don’t let him get away with it!

This is regarding the following news story:

Global Warming

On NPR yesterday, I heard a big panel discussion on objectivity in journalism where lots of people were saying that journalists should stick to facts, like, for example, the fact that human activity is responsible for global warming. Then they just talked about how it’s a done deal that mankind is to blame for global warming, and that all scientists agree, etc., for the rest of the time. Huh, I thought it was supposed to be about objectivity in journalism, but whatever. See what happens when you listen to NPR? They try to indoctrinate you with evil science! That’s why Republicans want to defund NPR: they know science is evil, and who can argue with that?

Look, I will grant you that most scientists agree about that global warming stuff, but look at who you’re trusting here, you lefty-liberal lawnchairs (sorry, I ran out of “L” words). That’s right: you’re trusting your lives with scientists! These are the same people who made Frankenstein monsters, H-Bombs, Amazing Colossal Men, giant tarantulas, etc.! If you’ve watched any 1950s movies, you know how much these guys loose destruction upon the Earth, and just for the sake of science! (Well, and to rule the world and stuff.) And do you know what happens when you put your faith in evil mad scientists who just want to rule the world? That’s right: it makes God mad, and then He’s going to heat up the world to try to kill all the evil scientists like a fever tries to kill a germ. So it is man-made, but you’re blaming the wrong people! It’s the scientists who are to blame!

I say we get them before we all get cooked! Who’s with me?

Memorial Day Dance

(This post was called “Dances with Pigs” originally, but I decided to change it, because I didn’t want to be thought of as a cop-hater, as I’m not one. But since hippies call cops “pigs”, I thought it was appropriate, seeing as how they were being arrested for dancing.)

That’s right: a bunch of hippies were arrested for dancing at the Jefferson Memorial on Memorial Day. Now, I make fun of hippies a lot, and I generally respect the police, but when you look at the video of this incident, it’s just silly. These are snarky white kids, and they’re being pretty badly manhandled by the cops just for some extremely minimalist “dancing”. This is the kind of dancing that I think black comedians are referring to when they say “white people can’t dance”, and as such, had the police been black (or any other ethnicity besides white), they might not have arrested them at all, since it really wasn’t good enough to be considered dancing as such. Had I been the cop, I would have laughed it off.

But here’s where it gets sticky legally. I didn’t bring up that whole “white people can’t dance” thing just to make a hurtful and offensive stereotype of the dancing-challenged white race. No, I had to bring this up, because many white people are so bad at dancing, it’s hard to tell that’s what they’re really doing. So then someone with a movement disorder, or someone moving their foot around because it fell asleep, or someone just trying to wake themselves up from a long drive (since they don’t want to be rude and fall asleep on their feet at the national monument) could be mistaken for someone who is dancing, if they’re white, that is. And so the police might start brutalizing and arresting white people all over the place who aren’t even really dancing, just because their fellow white people kind of dance like that.

And it only gets worse from there! Due to discrimination laws, the police will start to have to act like people of all ethnicities dance crappy like white people, and so they’ll have to arrest all of them too. And what about other stuff that could be mistaken for dancing? What if some guy points up at the president at the Lincoln or Jefferson Memorial, but it’s mistaken by the police as that dancing pose John Travolta famously did in Saturday Night Fever? Will they jump on him and beat him up with billy clubs?

I’m just afraid this is going to be a slippery slope here, with people being arrested for dancing when they weren’t even dancing. So then we’re going to need some very specific laws to clarify what exactly constitutes dancing. And these laws would obviously be unfair to white people, since they can’t dance. And so then we’d get new lawsuits for white people under the disabilities laws, etc. It’s an endless cycle!

Maybe they just ought to let people dance a little bit if they want to. Think of the court costs it would save our nation! And really, how could the Supreme Court decide that dancing isn’t free speech? What ever happened to “the language of dance”?

Here’s a link to the story with some video:

Men with Long Hair: Are They Cool or Lame?

Are girlymen back? Ever since Arnold got nailed for being a cheater, we have to wonder: can we really trust the opinions of guys who used to pretend they were him on SNL years ago? Of course not! So then girlymen perhaps aren’t that bad after all. And you know what that means: it’s cool for guys to have long hair again!

Sure, dorks will say no, but they’re just jealous because they’re bald. Or perhaps it’s because they get tired of hitting on guys with long hair when they think they’re really girls and then getting made fun of for it afterwards. Or maybe they just own hair salons and want to trick people into getting their hair cut more often. Who knows?

Whatever it is, I’m pretty sure it has to do with some kind of homophobia. I’m just kidding, but I hope they think I mean it. Then they would have to deny it, and it would be way fun to watch!

But thank God we have people to tell us what to think about stuff like this! It’s hard for me to keep track of stuff like the fact that skinny jeans look lame and that Van Heusen has destroyed the Calvin Klein brand and crap like that. So now I just have to read what other losers say, and then I don’t have to think for myself anymore. Yay!

Here’s the article, but remember: whatever they say goes, okay? (Your opinion doesn’t matter, man!)

Monday, May 30, 2011

It’s an Outrage! (Best Burger City Rankings)

The rankings for “best burger cities” is out (well, on Yahoo! anyway, if you can trust those losers…), and Los Angeles is not even on the list!!!!* But, but… We have nothing else to eat here (besides overpriced sushi and Mexican food)! (For real: you can’t look anywhere in your whole field of vision without seeing a burger joint here, and this city is as big as some states! I’m not kidding either! But we still don’t have a White Castle! WTF!?) Look, even if they’re terrible-tasting burgers, you’ve got to at least give us the “nostalgia thing”, right? I mean, you can get a burger at a Mel’s Diner, so it’s almost like you’re in American Graffiti, and that’s got to make it taste better, right? No? ({defeated} sigh.)

Alright, so maybe they import the burgers people eat in movies, but doesn’t the glitz and glamour make things taste better out here? I mean, come on! I have read that it’s what things smell like that is more important than taste to how we perceive tastiness anyway, and you mean to tell me that New York City is a better city for burgers even with all that urine smell? And if smell is good, how about looks? That’s got to help, right? (Hey, look: It’s Sarah Michelle Gellar! That burger tastes better already, right?) But I suppose I can take some small comfort in the fact that if people are traveling all over the country to find the best burger, they’re really lame anyway, so screw them. (Losers!)

Okay, maybe I’m taking it too personally. That’s an odd thing to do about a city you dislike, but I suppose there’s always a subjective pride of place for everyone, huh? When I was first thinking of moving to Los Angeles, a friend in San Francisco said to another friend of his who knew L.A. well to say something nice about Los Angeles (it’s not easy, if you know it well), and he said: “Um, it’s easy to get a burger?” Alright, so maybe it’s my fault for taking that hamburger-related quote and assuming the burgers must be good if they’re so easy to get. But seriously, if you’ve ever lived in Los Angeles, you’d know that burgers are the heart and soul of the city, next to plastic surgery and falsies. Oh, and I guess Hollywood. (After a while, you kind of forget it’s here, even if you work in it, because it’s nothing like people think it is.) So if they’re not any good here, then are we really worth anything? I’m beginning to think the whole place is fake! (And not just the people…)

* Here’s the stupid fucking list (Wait ‘till I get my hands on those guys!!):

King Diamond

As many of you know from my previous writings, I’m a metal-head, and I especially like the stuff from the 80s, like early Metallica, Mercyful Fate, etc. And some of you might even know the singer from Mercyful Fate: his “name” is King Diamond. (He also has a solo career going where he has lots and lots of albums out.) His vocals could be described as being higher-pitched than Led Zeppelin, or they could also be described as something else. (I really like his singing, so don’t think I’m trying to insult him, please: this is just an observation by a fan.)

It has occurred to me that his high-pitched vocal style sounds like something really specific: a child nagging their parents. No, really; listen to it for yourself with this idea in mind and tell me with a straight face that I’m wrong. (And I really like it! So, really, I’m not making fun of him.) This gets to a theory about music aimed at young people I heard once that seemed to make so much sense I knew instantly it was correct. You may know what I’m talking about. Yes, I’m talking about George Clinton’s (George Clinton from Parliament/Funkadelic) comment where he said (I’m paraphrasing, since I don’t have the exact quote in front of me): “Whenever I hear parents saying: ‘I can’t stand that stuff!’, and old musicians saying: ‘That ain’t music’, that’s how I know what the next big thing is going to be.”

More intelligent words have rarely been spoken. This is a guy who has spent his whole life making and producing music aimed at young people, and he’s been very successful. Oh, right, and I almost forgot to mention that he’s still relevant after all these years! And not just for playing the old hits from yesteryear, either. No, this man knows of what he speaks! And when you really think about it, what he said can be reversed: kids will love it if it would annoy adults. And what would annoy adults more than the voice of a whiny child? (They sound like that for a reason: it’s “intelligent design”, if you like. It’s to get a parent to respond to a child’s needs, which makes the whining go away. {Snapping and killing them to stop the whining is cheating!}) So then it would fit that kids would love a singing voice like King Diamond’s whiny high register. (I love it! But I started loving it when I was a teen! The only reason I like it is obviously that I liked it when I was young.) Seriously; listen again, think about it, and you’ll know I’m onto something here.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

I Swear, Avril!

Yes, I’m afraid Avril Lavigne has disappointed us all, only this time it’s because she said some naughty words in front of children. You know, like their parents do when they get mad. And like all the TV shows do now. And like so many people’s t-shirts say on them. Oh, sorry, I’m supposed to outraged, right? Okay, here goes:

Avril, you should be ashamed of yourself! But this time it’s for something other than your music!

Actually, that’s just a joke. She plays a version of punk rock that’s supposed to be kid-friendly, and honestly, who among you can truly say you could play punk rock for kids for very long before you’d need to shout some bad words just to get out the frustration after a while? Like the guys in the Wiggles, you know you’d have to scream “fuck” every once in a while just to get it out of your system. So perhaps she just got her wires crossed and forgot where she was or something. But seriously, it was at a baseball game, right? Shouldn’t something wake everyone up every once in a while anyway, just so the players don’t get discouraged to see everyone sleeping through all the games all the time?

And as to her music: Look, punk rock is supposed to annoy adults anyway, right? All punk rock fans remember how their parents hated it, I’m sure. So how do you think kids today would feel if you liked their music? It would damage them for life! That’s why they have to find stuff you’ll hate. (They don’t have to try very hard!) So, as adults, we’re supposed to hate Avril Lavigne! It’s by design.

Also, as a faux punk rocker (like she is), you’re going to get frustrated by people always dissing on you for being candy-assed anyway, and that will make you want to scream an obscenity now and again to try to legitimize yourself as a true punk. (Remember that guy from Green Day saying how it makes him mad to be called “pop punk”, even thought that’s an honest, accurate description and/or classification of their music?) You can’t really begrudge her that, now can you?

Here’s the article. Yes, don’t take my word for it; she really did say bad words!:

Joke Pet Shop Ad

I have had that damn JG Wentworth opera ad song running through my head for days, so to get revenge, I thought I would make fun of it. I’m spending the long weekend at my sister’s house, and she has three cats, so when I saw the cats, and my niece patting them and chasing them around, I thought of this joke ad for a cat shelter or pet store:

(To the tune of that JG Wentworth Opera ad):

Mom with sad-looking kids: “I have some lonely children and I need a cat now!”

People holding cats: “Call Amy’s Pet Shop, 877-CAT-MEOW!”

Puppet cats: “877-CAT-MEOW!”

Building Superintendent: “I have a bad mouse problem and I need a cat now!

People holding cats: “Call Amy’s Pet Shop, 877-CAT-MEOW!”

Puppet cats: “877-CAT-MEOW!”

(In case you’re lucky enough to have missed, I mean, in case you’re unfamiliar with the ad, this is the opera ad I’m lampooning):

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Think Twice Before Ordering Thai Food!

Why should you think twice before ordering Thai food? Well, obviously, because there may be a Thai spy hiding in the peanut sauce accompanying your chicken satay (or anything else you might order), watching and waiting for you to insult the Thai monarchy so that they can drag you off to a Thai prison! I’ve never realized it before, but they’re out to get us, not just with their spicy cuisine, but also with their sneaky slander laws, and here’s the news article that proves it!:

That’s right: some guy who is a United States citizen was arrested for insulting the Thai monarchy for something he wrote years ago on a blog. I didn’t even know that there was such a thing as a Thai monarchy until I read that article (the ignorance of which is probably an offense punishable by death in Thailand). This story sounded fishy to me at first, since it said that this guy went over to Thailand to have some medical procedure done. I thought everybody went to Thailand to get some kind of disease from the sex trade, not to have something treated or cured. But I guess maybe it’s really true. (What Thailand could do to make even more money would be to have special vacation packages for perverts where they give them lots of STDs via the sex trade, and then cure them of all the illnesses before they go home for an artificially inflated, exorbitant fee; like what an airport or a movie theater does to jack-up the price of food for their captive market.)

So this is obviously the downside of medical tourism, and as such it’s the fault of Obamacare.* When people don’t like the cesspool of corruption and incompetence that is going to be our healthcare industry soon (Soon? Didn’t the president say all the doctors are already trying to amputate everybody’s feet so they can get paid more money? {He didn’t say who they are, but that’s just so they would support his healthcare plan.} Oh, never mind…), they’ll just get arrested by foreign governments on charges of writing criminal stuff on fake blogs written by the Obama administration to punish them for not supporting Obamacare. That’s what this new White House position for an online rapid-response guy is: he finds out who opposed the president’s healthcare proposal, and then he finds out when they’re going overseas and he writes fake blogs that will get them arrested in their destination countries! And if they’re not planning on going anywhere, he has them kidnapped and secretly flown to the world’s most oppressive countries to be arrested there, but only after giving them some horrible disease in a secret government lab! It’s brilliant, really! (<By the way, I just wrote that last bit to rub it in Thailand’s face about how much we’re allowed to insult our own government here. Nyah, nyah! See, in America, you can say stuff here that sounds bad and they don’t even care! Unless Obama gets mad and sends me over there out of spite. Then I guess I’d be screwed, unless I had a medical condition, in which case I might get it treated better for cheaper. {But this is all a joke, so please don't arrest me!})

* You thought I was going to champion free speech? Fat chance! It just gets me into trouble every time I use it!

JG Wentworth Opera Ads with Subtitles

(My 300th Post!)

Okay, finally there is an ad that takes into consideration the fact that most people probably are watching the ads with the mute button on! Yes, I usually do too, and I’m really interested in advertising! So that means everyone else is probably watching with two or three mute buttons on.

The problem is twofold: first, the ads are louder than the show you’re watching, so you have to hit the mute button to prevent your hearing from being blasted out (Congress passed a bill recently to make that illegal, but from what I can tell, it hasn’t been implemented yet.); and second, ads are played over and over again, ad nauseum (a very appropriately-named term, by the way!), until people want to smash their TV sets. These are the two main reasons why the mute button was invented.

So here’s what this JG Wentworth ad does: it has subtitles, so you can see what they’re saying/singing even with the sound off. This is brilliant, and all ads should do this sort of thing from now on. I was thinking recently about how all ads should really be like silent movies now because of the mute button. Aflac did one ad recently that was like a silent serial (like The Perils of Pauline or something), where the duck rescues a woman tied to the railroad tracks and then is hit by the train to punish him for his offensive tweet about the Japanese earthquake and tsunami. (<Oh, sorry; that last part was a slight editorial.) But in any case, I liked the ad anyway, but I didn’t realize at the time how brilliant it was! I had thought many times about how the mute button had killed the usual ability of ads to transmit their messages, but I hadn’t actually thought about a solution, and this is obviously it!

So worry not, hucksters and greedy merchants! There is a way to break through the barrier posed by the mute button! Just subtitle your ads like a foreign film, or else make it like a silent movie with inter-titles, or even other else make it so everyone can follow it visually without any language at all. See how easy it is? (I really ought to get paid for this!)

Here’s a link to the JG Wentworth ad I’m talking about:

And here’s another one that uses the same subtitle technique:

And here’s the Aflac silent serial commercial:

Primary Lottery?

Every year, it’s the same pandermonium in Iowa: Yay, ethanol that’s driving up food prices; yay, the same rednecks that get to choose the candidates! Lame. This whole system is totally unjust, and it gives an absolutely unfair advantage to one stupid, otherwise insignificant state to make selfish decisions about policy for the whole country (no offense, Iowans). I was thinking maybe that Iowa is the “Hawkeye State” because they have scared the hell out of both political parties with their hawk-like glare as if the politicians were mice on the plains, and they’re playing a game of chicken (hawk) with candidates over stuff like ethanol and corn subsidies; but I’m just not sure. The one thing I am sure of, though, is that Iowa shouldn’t always get to be the first primary state for presidential primaries.* No one state should!

Look, it’s never fair for any one small group to decide everything for everyone all the time (I guess unless it’s Wall Street money-men, because they give the big donations to candidates! But that’s another rant.), so here’s what I would propose: All states get a chance to be first. I think it ought to be like a dorm-room lottery, where you get to draw for the good spots, but that each state should be handicapped by how recently they were first, etc. So it should be based on luck (otherwise the politicians would know way in advance who to plan on pandering to, and that’s not fair to anyone else, unless we just assume they’re always lying, which they are, but still…), but still give everyone a chance to be first, second, third, etc., eventually. I’m not sure exactly how to do the system, but you get the idea. Every state should get a chance to be earlier on in the primary system and have more influence, and a lottery system is the only way to be sure they would (unless they just want to use a revolving schedule, which would at least be better than what we have now). It’s not really fair any other way, now, is it?

* I live in California. How would you Iowans like it if every year, politicians came out here and kissed our butts with all kinds of goodies for us, like TV and movie production subsidies, government programs for developing new-age “medicine” and kooky religious cults, and tax breaks for drug gangs? Oh, and how about surfing subsidies? Peacenik pandering? Illegal-immigrant indulgences? Does this not sound good to you, Iowans? Then just think of how tired we all are of you guys getting all your preferential presidential primary promises, programs and perks every cycle!

The only problem with a revolving schedule is that the politicians would know way in advance what state would be next, so they would be focusing on pandering to local areas, rather than trying to develop policies that work for everyone. I hope that makes sense.

Friday, May 27, 2011

No More Pot for You!

That’s right, hippie! No more pot for you when you travel to Amsterdam! Ha ha! (I still get my free heroin from the state, though, right?)

Well, it had to happen eventually with an ultra-left-wing country like Holland. As liberals, they were bound to want to destroy any thriving business industries in their country. And in this case, the booming business interest is marijuana sales to tourists. This must be an especially bittersweet victory for the liberal establishment: banning the sale of pot to foreign hippies. But they had to do it, or else live with the curse of allowing a successful business to exist within their midst. And as we all know, that’s not allowed to happen.

But isn’t it funny that they’d do such a thing? I mean, why ban pot, of all things? Isn’t that the thing that made them all liberal hippies to begin with? Perhaps they’re all self-hating hippies, but from my experience, there’s no such thing. My guess is that it’s the only successful business in all of Holland so they had to destroy it, or else it’s something far more complex.

The second explanation for this is extremely arcane and self-contradictory, so don’t read any further unless you really want your mind blown. Okay, if you’re still reading, then I guess you think you’re ready for the truth, and that’s this: They had to ban pot, because they realized they are now “the man”, and as such, they had to do it, or else they would never hatch a new batch of hippie liberals. You see, it’s like this: hippies smoke pot because “the man” says not to, and as hippies, they become super-liberal to counter the oppression of “the man”. But if you just allow people to just smoke pot, they might never get to hate “the man”, and then they’d just sit around and eat Cheetos and Combos and watch TV and stuff, and then they’d never change the establishment, man! So you see, they had to ban pot, because obviously they are alarmed by the appearance of new young conservatives in their country, and they can’t allow that to happen! So by banning the sale of pot to tourists, they are opening the door for the next step, which is to ban pot for everyone locally as well. Then they’ll get all that hippie protest angst they need to keep their country über-liberal! Do you begin to see, now, why this new law is necessary?

Here’s the totally bogus story, dude:

From the Mouths of Babes

Some kid in some California town saw a tattered American flag flying overhead, and he wrote a letter to the town’s mayor to ask to have it replaced. And it was!* Now, let that be a lesson to you if you want politicians to get things done: be a little kid!

Let’s face it, no politician can resist a kid’s hand-written letter. We all know that, right? They like to frame them, pose with them in photos, use them to raise funds, etc. But if you’re anyone else, asking for anything of a politician serving the public (like, for example, to have a tattered American flag replaced), you can shove it up your ass! How dare you bother them! Right?

So, obviously we’re all going to have to pretend to be elementary school children if we want political change in this country! So, here’s my suggestion: find all that pale green paper with the really big training lines on it for kids to learn how to write letters on (you know, the stuff with the broken line in the middle), and write all your suggestions on that in kid-style writing. Then, you can pay a little kid (paying them with whatever toys or candy they want) to act like they wrote it, and what you ask will probably get done. See how easy it is? (You may have to pay the kid more if they have to do a meet & greet or photo session with the slimebag, but you can figure that out later.)

The only problem with this whole idea is that they will probably find out what is going on at some point. All politicians want to get pictures with appreciative little kids beaming up at them, no matter what they have to do to get it. But once the requests actually begin to make sense and start helping the country, they will know something fishy is up, and they’ll figure out what’s going on. Then, naturally, they will get mad that they fell for it and look stupid, and also that they did something to help the public without getting something back for it in return. Then they will try to get revenge!

So then they will pass some new law to make it criminal to write a letter to a politician, or any government office holder, in a kid’s handwriting, just to make sure they don’t accidentally do things right for the citizens. But this may backfire on them eventually. You see, some day, they’re bound to get a letter from some kid suggesting a great idea, and so they’ll probably assume it’s some guy who wants efficiency or accountability in government, or something unreasonable like that, right? And then they’ll send the riot squad over to bust the fake kid, but then it will end up being an actual real, nerdy kid! Then there will be all this cellphone-camera footage of the cops beating up a little kid, and the outrage will shake the political establishment to the core! And then they’ll be too scared to do that again, and so we can all pretend to be kids in hand-written letters, and we can finally get some positive change in this country!

* Don’t believe me? Here’s an article to support my claim:

Zombie Ads

For many years, it was deemed unacceptable to put horror characters or themes in product advertising. I had a bunch rejected over the years. They’d have to be super-friendly, cartoony and unthreatening to even be considered in the past (like Count Chocula, for example*). But more recently, due to the extreme popularity of vampires with young people (thanks to the Twilight series of books and movies), it has become more acceptable to use horror characters and themes in ads, even where they don’t belong. Like in a Bing ad, for instance. Perhaps Google would consider a vampire appropriate for an ad for Microsoft’s Bing search engine, because it’s allegedly vampirizing all their ideas and methodology, but for the rest of us, it doesn’t quite fit.

Anyway, I was just recently watching the Spanish horror film [REC], and it reminded me of an old ad I made up for a fast food chain (that was laughed out of the office in a few places). As some of you might know, [REC] is the original movie from which the American film Quarantine was made as a remake. It’s basically an infection-acquired zombification horror movie, a genre of which there are countless examples by now. Believe it or not, [REC] is probably the best one since Romero’s Day of the Dead. Remember 28 Days Later? Yeah, it’s the same idea, kinda, but a lot better (plus an indictment of Catholicism, as in so many recent Spanish horror movies). Oh, sorry, but back to this ad thing.

Yes, it strikes me that now that there are so many zombie movies and (can you believe it?) TV shows permeating the culture at every imaginable level, isn’t it about time we had some zombie ads? I’ve always thought so! So, here are a couple of mine from a few years ago:


A zombie hoard is ambling down the street threateningly towards the camera. (They’re not gross, gory zombies; just people acting like zombies with gray make-up on and stuff, limping down the street.) The announcer says: “Today the dead come back to life, and all they have to eat is you! ...Or, for just a buck they could get a delicious McDouble, McChicken, a Small Fries, or any number of treats from our delicious dollar value menu!” The zombies hear that, then turn to the right, and start ambling towards a McDonald’s just out of frame to that side, as the camera follows them going to the McDonald’s. Then the announcer says: “What would you choose?” And then the picture cuts to two zombies in a booth at McDonald’s eating a burger and fries with lots of ketchup dripping off of them. End. (< That was rejected by a few ad agencies a little while ago. But I’ll bet it would be very popular now!)

New Balance:

Over a black screen, the announcer says: “When there’s no more room in hell, the dead will walk the Earth.” There is a pause, then the announcer says: “So they’ll need comfortable shoes!” Then they show a pair of New Balance running shoes, and then they show a group of zombies strolling aimlessly around a wasteland that looks like the one at the end of the movie The Beyond (1981, Dir. Lucio Fulci). End. (< That was rejected too. I still think it’s good, though.)

* (But what they didn’t know about Count Chocula is that he was marketing sugared cereal to children so that he could earn their trust slowly and then attack them in their beds without suspicion! Kids would think he was just there to tell them a bed-time story, or perhaps to give them a sugary night-time treat, but then he would strike, drinking their blood, or even worse, draining it out into a bowl full of Count Chocula cereal so that he could eat it soaked in the blood of children! {BTW: Count Chocula stays crispy even in blood! Or so I hear from Count Chocula.})

Skinny Jeans

Okay, this is obviously some kind of communist plot. Why communist? Well, we all know that hippies are commies, and that Michelle Obama is a commie from that New Yorker cover, right? And she’s the one trying to force us against our wills to be fit and look good, right? You know it’s true!

So then I realized instantly it was her fault, and hers alone, when I went back to buy new jeans for the first time in a couple of years. You see, I’m a 34-inch waist now, but when I tried on new jeans with 34-inch waists, they were all too small. (I still have a few pairs of the 34-inch-waist jeans of the same brand from two years ago, and they all still fit fine, so it isn’t just me.) So they didn’t have 35-inch waists, so I had to get 36-inch-waist jeans! Did you see how she and the hippies did it this time? They forced jean-makers to shrink their sizes so that everyone would think they were fat, and then they forced them to make only every-other size so that we’d feel even fatter! So then they’ll make us all self-conscious and want to start working out and hence lose weight and become more physically fit. It’s obviously a plot, right?

But here’s the rub (besides the rub from your pants being too tight, that is): What if their hippie meddling makes people become so depressed about their (falsely) perceived weight gain that they get completely depressed and become total couch potatoes? Then they would be killing them! I’ve always told you that when the hippies got control of things, they’d try to kill us all; well, here’s the proof! They want us to starve ourselves to death or else become so depressed that we can’t muster the strength or courage to counter them! And this is just the first step!

I’m telling you, you’ll all realize it’s too late to stop them if you blow it off (like I did ) and just get the 36-inch waist rather than just suck it up and get the too-tight 34-inch-waist jeans, because the tight pants will remind you to fight for your rights! (Plus, tight jeans are really in fashion now! Just check out the link below if you don’t believe me.)

Here’s a link to a GQ magazine story about which jeans you have to buy to be cool:

The Opposite of Smart Business

Every week I get numerous junk-mail offers from businesses promising me the best, fastest internet connections, the clearest, most desirable cable-television plans, and the most reliable, cheapest telephone plans that use the phone number I already have. “Great!” That’s what I say, but when I call them up to order it from them, they look up my address and tell me that they don’t serve my area, and that I can’t have it. That’s awesome! And what’s even better is that they continue to clog my mailbox day after day with yet better and still even better offers I can’t make use of.

So what’s so bad about littering someone’s life with offers they want but can’t have? Doesn’t absence make the heart grow fonder? Well, maybe it would, if they would eventually come to my area! But what most of these companies are doing (Okay, all of them!) is to make me mad enough by constantly teasing me with stuff I’m not allowed to have that I just want to say: “Fuck you! A pox on all your houses!” I’m totally helpless in all of this, and I can’t get them to stop harassing me with all this junk mail, so this is what ends up happening: I hate them passionately, so much so as to actively want them to fail as companies. Also, I begin to find reasons to enjoy getting the junk mail, like the fact that they’re paying for it, even though they know I can’t get what they’re selling.

So their business plan’s flaws become apparent very quickly: they’re wasting money, they’re making potential customers mad, and they’re teasing people to the point that they begin actively rooting for their failure. That means they’re pushing people to the point where they wouldn’t order their service even if they could get it. Now, isn’t that actively working against their interests? Seriously, from what they’ve been doing to me, I hate them more now than if I found out they were guilty of war crimes! But the funny thing is, they’re doing it to themselves, and they’re paying for it, too! All they’d have to do is check their mailing list next to a map of where they offer service, but I guess that’s too much work. Or even worse, perhaps it’s cheating! But seriously, when people begin to hate these companies, they will only have themselves to blame!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Brim Ad

“Fill it to the rim with Brim.”

This ad line has bothered me for my entire life, and today I was reminded of why. I saw a news program where someone was talking about relief supplies for the victims of the recent domestic tornados, and he said they found a semi-truck and “filled it to the brim” with supplies. So, did you catch that? The correct expression is: “Fill it to the brim.” (And trucks don't even have brims! Do they?) So to act like someone, anyone, would say: “Fill it to the rim”, (especially about a cup!) is patently ridiculous, and as such, it turns people off to their desire to drink Brim coffee. Do you want to drink the coffee that makes you say stuff that gets you made fun of? Of course not! I mean, really!

So the correct ad line should have always been thus: “You’ll want to fill it to the brim! It’s Brim!", or simply: "Fill it to the brim! It's Brim!", or even: "Fill it to the brim, with Brim."

Here’s an example of the old Brim ads:

Clueless Child Advocates

Today I heard a child advocate express a position contrary to the brilliant new laws of prosecuting parents for their children’s truancy. Everyone knows that parents are responsible for everything a child does, and so then it follows that they should go to jail if their kid skips school. I don’t care if both parents have to work to pay the bills and stuff; that’s no excuse! No, you should quit your job and play catcher outside the school all day, grabbing your kid by the scruff of the neck whenever they try to escape from school, or else catch them in your government-provided truant-children’s catchers’ mitt. If you lose your home and can’t pay for your kid’s food as a result, that will teach your children that actions have consequences, and they’ll learn to be good citizens. It’s a brilliant plan that can’t fail!

But here’s where I had to cry foul: some child advocate who opposed this plan said that this is government over-reach, and that there should be standards to look into the circumstances of each case. Yeah, right! She just hates kids and wants them to become failures and rejects! I’m on to her! First of all, if this is government over-reach, then why do you then propose a plan that would expand the reach and size of government? Nice try, Miss Trixie Liberal! But here’s the real giveaway: she said this: “Well, if your kid has neo-Nazi signs and stuff all around, and is burning cats in the street, that’s a red flag.” Okay, here’s how we can tell she’s a liar: people who are neo-Nazis hate communists, and what does a “red flag” denote? That’s right: communism!* So, unless she’s referring to a red flag with a swastika in the middle of it (which she didn’t say!), she’s mixing two extremist ideologies that hate one another, and as such she cannot be trusted to know what she’s talking about!

* By the way, if you’re wondering why “Nazi” gets to be capitalized and “communist" doesn’t, you’ll have to ask Microsoft: they’re the ones who insist on this stuff through their spell check. I used to think it was due to their obvious affinity with the Nazi idea of world conquest, but then I remembered that commies wanted to do that too. But then it became clear to me: they don’t want “communist” or “commie” to be capitalized so that we wouldn’t perceive it/them as a threat so they could take over the world more easily! Nice try, Microsoft, but I’m on to your evil plan now!

Paul the Octopus

Remember Paul the Octopus? Of course you do! He’s the guy who ruined Germany’s chances of winning the 2010 World Cup when he intentionally destroyed their morale by picking Spain over Germany to win their semi-final match. Some people say he was psychic, while other people say it was pure dumb luck. But I know the truth, and I’ll share it with you, because I like you. Just don’t tell anyone else, okay? (It’s a secret!)

Okay, everyone knows invertebrates are psychic, right? But they don’t usually like to share their predictions with us humans. I’m not sure if it’s because they see us as an arrogant species, or because they think we’re pathetic losers for not being psychic ourselves, and as such not worthy of such divinations. So I’m sure we all agree that Paul the Octopus wasn’t special because he could see the future, but simply because he was willing to share it with us for a change.

So having now established the factuality of psionic capabilities in cephalopods, which clearly explains Paul’s proclivity for perspicacious prognostications and such, I can move on to the issue of why Paul would be willing to share it with humans. You see, since he lived in Germany, he was used to predict the outcomes of Germany’s games, which he did. And he correctly predicted their victories in seven games before predicting their defeat to Spain (also accurately). People wonder about this, but isn’t it perfectly clear? He wanted to get Germany’s confidence built up so that he could dash it at the last minute! Sure, he knew the outcomes of the games, but he was also the cause! That’s what people fail to recognize: cephalopods don’t just predict the future, they make it happen!

So, why would Paul want to build Germany up just to tear them down again? Well, isn’t it obvious? If you simply read about him on Wikipedia, it becomes clear: Paul was hatched in (get ready for it…) England! So obviously, since he was hatched in England, he would want to get revenge for the Second World War; not because he cared about it, but out of a sense of appreciation for the Brits bringing him into the world and then not keeping him there to eat their unpalatable food in the frigid fog all the time! Plus, since he was an Octopus vulgaris, naturally he would choose a country like Spain, who had their basketball teams make that vulgarly offensive “slanty-eye” thingy with their fingers in a promo photo for the 2008 Olympic Games in Beijing*, over a cultured country like Germany, who would never do such a thing (any more).

So I hope we’re all clear on the preferences and prejudices of Paul the Octopus which led to his forcing Germany to lose the 2010 World Cup. Now that we know why he did it, perhaps we can figure out how to train (obsequiously, I suppose) the next generation of military octopi for use in ruling the world through winning limitless money on sporting events, and thus buying our way back to the top of the heap! If we can get them to like us enough, there’s no end to what we could accomplish!

* Here’s the picture of the Spanish basketball teams:

Ooh! And here’s the picture of Spain’s 2008 Olympic tennis team:

Want to read more about Paul the Octopus? Here’s a link:

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Too Big To Fail

Is this the curse of Star Trek or something? I don’t know what it is, but when I see Cynthia Nixon from Sex and the City in a movie about the Wall Street meltdown and the resulting bailouts, I can’t help but think that Mr. Big is somewhere behind the scenes pulling the strings to collapse Lehman Brothers (which means he obviously works for Goldman Sachs). And when Carrie (Sarah Jessica parker’s character on Sex and the City) gets all mad at him (Mr. Big) for never being around (remember how secretive he always was about his business stuff and private life?), doesn’t it make sense that he’s got to be busy orchestrating the whole crash and bailout stuff? I mean, he has to be the guy who’s always making sure that Goldman gets the sweetheart deals, right? Duh! (That’s why he’s always so busy!)

But seriously, just because you dyed Cynthia Nixon’s hair, doesn’t mean she’s not going to make me think of Sex and the City. I’m not trying to cost her jobs or anything (Seriously, I’d rather see her in anything else that doesn’t show her naked all the time! But I do like her.), but please remember that this is an HBO movie, and Sex and the City was also an HBO show. So when I see her in a movie like this, on HBO, I can’t help but think about how this must be the reason why she never has any time to see the father of her child (in Sex and the City, that is), and that all this Wall Street stuff and its resulting impact on her materialism and power-hungry mania must be why she was never emotionally available to him when he always loved her so much. I mean, I’m happy it all worked out for Miranda and Steve, but if it wasn’t for her caring more about making money as a lawyer on Wall Street, they never would have had any problems! (Didn’t love matter to her, a woman? But seriously, it’s impossible not to feel like this {the events of the HBO movie Too Big to Fail} is what was going on whenever Miranda was AWOL in Sex and the City! Right? Am I alone in this?)

But really, I think it’s the success of the show Sex and the City that has done this. I also can’t see Kim Cattrall in anything without thinking of her as the sexually hyperactive Samantha, even if it’s in a movie made years before Sex and the City even existed! And I’ll bet it’s the same thing for all of them with most people. Seriously, I saw Mr. Big on some Law & Order show, and I was like: “Hey, it’s Mr. Big! What’s he doing on Law & Order when we all know he should be on Sex and the City?” And really, shouldn’t he be limited to super-rich puppet masters from now on? (I think so. He’s just not believable as anything else.)

And another thing: Topher Grace is the guy who does all those drugs on That 70s Show, and William Hurt is the guy who ends up throwing up? Okay, maybe it’s from all the drugs he did in Altered States, but still. It just doesn’t seem fair, somehow. (But I like the idea of actors getting punished in other movies for bad stuff they did in previous movies, though. They should do it more often to give an added layer of meaning for movie geeks like me.)

Lunchables Orange Smile Ad

One of the joys of being an uncle is that you get to baby-sit kids. Why is that so great? Well, it gives you a chance to watch children’s programming! And of course, that means you get to see advertising aimed at children all day long. Sounding good now? No?

Well without it, I would have missed this spot for Kraft Foods Lunchables, where a kid with no front teeth uses an orange rind for his school picture.* Okay, this is pretty weak. The orange smile is funny and all, but in the context of the ad, it’s pretty dumb. (Plus, they would never let you do this in your school picture anyway.) You see, they brag in the ad about how the packaged lunch now has mandarin orange sections, but then the kid still has to ask someone else for an orange peel to use for the school picture. So if he had just brought a sandwich and an orange to school, he would have been more prepared for his brilliant idea. (Yes, they have the temerity to suggest that eating their pre-packaged crap will inspire brilliant ideas.)

So I suppose the hidden message in this ad is that their food will inspire great ideas, but leave you at the mercy of the charity of others to be able to implement them. (So you’ll always be unprepared!) So if nobody had brought an orange, he would have been screwed; or even worse: if the only person with an actual whole orange had been the class bully, it would have gotten him beaten up before his class picture so he’d look back at that black eye in the school photo and relive that humiliating and painful beating for the rest of his life; and it’s all the fault of Lunchables! (Maybe they’ll pay for his therapy.) But seriously, wouldn’t you have thought of the orange-rind smile better if you had an actual real, fresh orange with you? (At least you wouldn’t have gotten that black eye and wedgie!)

* It looks like this (This page should have a girl with an orange peel smile; if not, please disregard.):

Here’s the ad (It’s cute, but really, this is false advertising.):

Glenn Beck’s Ironic Production Company Name

By ironic, I’m referring to the fact that Glenn Beck has named his production company “Mercury Radio Arts”. Um, is it really the best idea to name your company, that purports to be warning people of very real threats to our nation, after a company that is best known for panicking the country about a fake, fictional threat? I don’t think so.

I understand why he would want to do it, though. Orson Welles’s Mercury Theater radio company, with a series known as Mercury Theater on the Air, was a hugely influential production company that revolutionized radio. But today, it is probably best remembered for its 1938 broadcast of War of the Worlds, which tricked some Americans into thinking the Martian invasion had started for real. So the first thing people may think about when they hear the name “Mercury Radio Arts”, even if they don’t know about Orson Welles at all, is that historic event that conned America into panicking about nothing. And then they might think there’s a logical connection, through the name of your company, to assume you’re trying to do the same thing.

I’m not saying Glenn Beck is conning America into panicking about imagined threats, but that’s certainly what his critics claim. What I’m saying is this: if you want to be taken seriously, you have to try to look at how your company will be perceived based upon the name you give it or the advertising you do for it (that’s why I do so many ad critiques here). And in this case, in light of what people charge him with (being a doomsayer of fake threats), the choice was perhaps an ill-advised one.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

New York City Smoking Ban

So today begins Mayor Bloomberg’s latest attempt to kill off every last vestige of what made New York City the great cultural oasis it once was.* That’s right: nobody’s allowed to smoke outdoors anymore. Thanks, Mayor Buzzkill! Or is it really Mayor Arsonist? For you see, when nobody is allowed to smoke outdoors anymore, everyone will be forced to smoke indoors only! And then, naturally, the next step is to make it the law for everyone to only be allowed to smoke in bed, where they’re bound to fall asleep and burn to death! So Bloomberg is obviously trying to get smokers to burn themselves to death while smoking: an ironic death indeed! But in his insane thirst for their blood, or crispy tenders of their meat, Hizzonna has forgotten that smokers live in buildings with other people, and they’ll all burn to death in the resulting infernos! So he’s trying to kill us all! Aaaaa! (Perhaps it’s a corrupt deal to clear out new space for Trump to build in?)

As we all know, it’s the unexpected stuff like second-hand smoke that makes New York City great! I know the left-wing hippies are claiming victory, but without the aroma of cigarette smoke to cover it up, the foul, putrid stench of urine and underarms will permeate the air! People will begin vomiting in the streets, buses and subways! It will be so all-pervasive that everyone will be slipping on the puke and breaking their hips and skulls open on the streets! The hospitals will be inundated with victims, spiraling medical costs past the breaking point in this state that’s already drowning in red ink!

Oh, but Bloomberg knows all of this! He’ll claim that only a fourth and fifth term for him as mayor can help solve these new problems, since he’s a billionaire and could help pay the medical cost over-runs (but only if he gets to be mayor!). So, obviously, this is all a plot by the current mayor to get the citizens of the city to beg him to do away with term-limits forever so he can rule as king with unlimited powers and fleece Wall Street banks with unchecked power so he can buy his way onto the throne of the first world government run by him alone! Nice try, Mr. Bloomberg, but we’re on to you now, man!

* Yes, New York was once a great city, but since they robbed us of the joys of heroin, crack and prostitution running amok in our streets, along with the ability to step over nodded-out junkies and drunks in the street (and now public smoking!), they’ve destroyed every last vestige of what made it a great metropolis. I’m afraid New York is destined for the proverbial “scrap-heap of history”, like the Soviet Union. (BTW: It is a little-known fact that an outdoor smoking ban is what really led to the fall of the Soviet Union, and the United States is next if it’s allowed to happen here! Heed the warning of history and resist this violation of the rights of smokers to make everyone cough and wheeze and pine for a cigarette themselves!)

Here’s the story from CNN (The Cigarette No-Nos):

The Miscarriage of Justice

Folks, everyone knows that Hollywood is a cesspool of warped liberal “values” peopled by traitors trying to destroy America, right? (That’s why it’s so glamorous!) Of course they do! So it’s only natural that fundamentalist Christian conservative anti-abortion activists get no programming aimed at them, while hippie environmentalists get awesome superheroes like Captain Planet to inspire their kids just because they possess the “correct” ideology. It’s so unfair!

Well, I’m here to help! I recognize the unfairness of indoctrination-oriented über-liberal hero characters like Captain Planet (ironically) polluting our nation’s airwaves, while conservative values are being actively ignored and discarded, and so I’ve created a superhero character to help inspire the next generation of pro-life activists! Who could it be, this defender of the unborn? Why, it’s “The Miscarriage of Justice”!

Yes, it’s The Miscarriage of Justice: Conceived in an illegal genetic experiment gone wrong conducted by evil liberals, they tried to abort him to hide their crimes, but his super-powers made him invincible! He escaped their nefarious attempts to abort him, and flew out of the womb in gloriously glowing warp speed to protect and uphold the carrying-to-term of all defenseless fetuses throughout the world! Yes, wherever the sanctity of life (i.e.: fetuses, embryos) is threatened by God-hating liberals trying to use His work for the malicious purposes of curing diseases like Parkinson’s Disease and Alzheimer’s through malevolent schemes like embryonic stem cell research, The Miscarriage of Justice is there: righting the wrongs, foiling abortionists and people who support a woman’s right to choose, defeating mad doctors and evil scientists, and destroying liberal plots like birth control, teaching evolution, and “discovering” things through scams like scientific research! So pass out a cigar to celebrate the birth of a true conservative superhero for the home-schooled kids amongst us: The Miscarriage of Justice!

(This is all just a silly joke, I hope you all understand...)

The Up-Side of Worthless Currency

The international debt crisis brings with it steep drops in currency value, drastically rising commodity prices, and the promise of overall runaway inflation. That means the same amount of money buys much less, and to buy the same amount of stuff as before, you need a lot more money. Our federal government solves this problem by printing more and more money with reckless abandon, which fuels an acceleration of the process. It’s a vicious cycle, with everyone and everything in its wake being impacted. I know it sounds bad, but there is a really big advantage to the increased devaluation of our currency.

How many times have you seen someone in a movie picking up handfuls of cash and throwing up in the air to rain back down upon their heads and wished it was you? How many times have you seen a character in a heist movie (or whatever) take off all their clothes and roll around on a queen-sized bed covered in cash made up of bills in large denominations and said to yourself: “Wow! I wish I could do that!” Well, with the downward spiral of currency values due to the international financial crises and irresponsible government spending, pretty soon you can do it! (See? Dreams can come true after all!)

So the next time you start to worry about hyper-inflation, sputtering markets, the crushing weight of government debt or currency devaluation, just remember: these are the keys which will unlock your fantasy of being able to roll around on a pile of money! Then you can throw handful after handful of cash up into the air and let it rain down on you like you’re a cartoon billionaire! (Try doing that with gold! Ouch!) And when you’ve achieved that dream, you can dump it all into a wheelbarrow and take it to the store to buy food for your family!

Monday, May 23, 2011

The Most Dangerous Sport?

A news article today claims that Wrestlemania VII from 1991 has had a 25% mortality rate since it happened, and as such, this makes wrestling the most dangerous sport on Earth. This is pure poppycock! I know of a sports competition that was way more pernicious than that Wrestlemania show, and that’s the Olympic Games!

Okay, check this out: The first modern Olympics, known as the Games of the I Olympiad, was held in 1896, and 100% of them are dead now! You think wrestling is dangerous and deadly? That’s like a life-insurance policy compared with the Olympics, man! Okay, granted it’s a lot less dangerous than it used to be, with hardly anyone dead from the most recent ones: yet! But they all died after the ones from 1896, and by the attached journalist’s own standards, that makes this sports competition the most dangerous ever! I mean, right?

Wrestling is child’s play compared with the old-style Olympics! The actuarial tables prove it!

Here’s the article where the guy unfairly smears wrestling as being dangerous (when everyone knows it’s fake!):

JG Wentworth Lassie Ad

Times are tough, and if you weren’t aware of how bad things have gotten, just witness this example of a famous family-entertainment star having to prostitute herself out to starring in advertisements for dubious corporate interests. Yes, I’m afraid it’s Lassie who’s being forced to shill for rich bankers now. Look out, Lassie: they say when you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas; and I wouldn’t want you to be getting fleas when your owners are already in dire financial straits.

But the funny thing about this ad is that while we all know that Lassie knows her owner has a structured-settlement payment every month, she can’t tell that to JG Wentworth! So when he follows her all the way from the city to her family’s farm, miles and miles away (on foot!), would he be willing to help them with their desperate financial needs just out of love, or because he had already schlepped all that way? Or would he refuse them on the spot and make a point of buying their mortgage and foreclosing on their farm just because he was inconvenienced when it couldn’t have profited him handsomely? I’m just curious.

But seriously, if he refused them in front of Lassie, I’d hope she would gnaw his legs off! Then he’d never be able to walk back, and they could make chili meat out of him. Yes, that’s right: this happens to be the Texas Chain Saw Massacre farm, and by refusing their request for financial help, he’s inadvertently signed his own death warrant! Oh, well. If only he had bothered to learn how to speak dog!

Here’s the ad:

Doomsday Prophet’s Reaction to Non-Apocalypse

That “prophet” guy, Harold Camping, expressed dismay and disappointment today over the failure of the world to end on Saturday. As readers of this blog know, it’s all Lady Gaga’s fault that the Rapture didn’t happen; but I’ll bet Mr. Camping doesn’t know that, so he’s blaming himself. It’s unfortunate, since a fundamentalist Christian without someone else to blame for everything is truly a lost soul indeed.

The best part about this whole non-apocalypse in my opinion is clearly one aspect of Mr. Camping’s group’s reaction to this. I don’t usually do this very often, but I’m going to directly quote a section of text from the news story about this, because I don’t think I can make this sound any more ironic and disturbing than it did in the article. Here’s the direct quote (I’ll attach a link below to the full story as well.):

Camping's PR aide, Tom Evans, told the L.A. Times that the group is "disappointed" that 200 million true believers weren't lifted up to heaven on Saturday while everyone else suffered and eventually died as a series of earthquakes and famine destroyed the Earth. "You can imagine we're pretty disappointed, but the word of God is still true," Evans said.

Did you catch that? The whole group is disappointed that everyone (except for them and a few others who think like them) wasn’t horribly tortured and exterminated in a series of cataclysmic natural disasters and starvation! Hey, thanks, guys! Most of us were probably simply mildly amused that you guys got embarrassed by your own arrogance and gullibility*, but that’s because we’re not good Christians like you. Yes, true Christians always hope and pray for the unspeakably horrible torment and genocide of the (supposedly) unfaithful, like Jesus taught us to do. (Jerks!)

* Even the Bible says that no one will know the day or the hour, so isn’t it the height of arrogance for bible-literalists to think they can outsmart their own “perfect” religious text? If they believe the Bible so much, why did they try to raise themselves above the level of knowledge it limits them to? And another thing: how can they be so sure that they would be among those saved by God? The funniest thing about this whole thing is this: the Rapture may actually have happened on Saturday, but that none of them were chosen, and perhaps this guy’s arrogance was what got him left out, while his group’s crass desire for the destruction of others led to their ultimate un-Rapturability. Hey, you never know!

Here is the, shall we say, “interesting” article:

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Lance Armstrong and Doping

Tonight on 60 Minutes, some guy named Tyler Hamilton recounts the ridiculous story that Lance Armstrong was using banned substances and doping to win all his Tour de Frances and stuff. He’s only the greatest cyclist in all of ever, so how could anyone ever doubt him? So this guy* asks Tyler Hamilton whether or not he’s saying all this stuff because he’s being pressured into it by investigators or prosecutors in his case, and he said no. Yeah, right! Of course he’d say no! But it makes nothing but sense that the United States would do whatever it could to get famous American athletes discredited so that they have to give back all their championship titles and medals and stuff so that other countries could get them instead and the United States would be humiliated and vilified in the eyes of the world. What would make more sense than that? Naturally, they’d use every dirty trick in their arsenal to force honest athletes to disgrace other honest American athletes, right? No? Okay, maybe not, if you think about things rationally, but there is a very understandable explanation for why the FBI and the Justice Department is trying to discredit all American athletes and strip them of all their awards and medals.

So, who is it that populates agencies like the US Justice Department and the FBI? It’s nerds, right? And who is being harassed and outed for alleged substance abuse that would discredit them and strip them of all their achievements? It’s athletes, right? And what’s another term to use for athletes? It’s jocks, isn’t it? So isn’t it clear what’s really going on here? Obviously, these lawyers, prosecutors and investigators got teased, bullied, and beaten up by jocks in high school. They were subjected to the daily indignity of public wedgies and purple nurples, and they swore to themselves that someday, when they were in charge, they’d get even with those jocks, no matter what the cost! And obviously the cost is our nation’s international athletic prestige! But that doesn’t matter to these nerds! They love being in the position to pressure these jocks to lie and to destroy their idols so much, they don’t care how bad it makes America look, or who it destroys! So we all know what’s really going on here, right? No matter what they force their victims to say, and who it makes look bad, we know our athletes are innocent. Nice try, nerds, but we’re on to you!

* I’m sorry, but I just don’t know this guy’s name. He’s got white hair, but he’s not Anderson Cooper. I keep thinking his name is Steve Kroft, but that guy’s got a crater face with this obviously dyed auburn hair, so it’s not him. Not that I’m trying to insult Steve Kroft, you understand: I’m just trying to accurately describe what he looks like. Sorry if it sounded mean or anything. (By the way, it’s interesting that MS Word keeps trying to say that ‘Kroft’ is spelled wrong, and that ‘Croft’ is correct. This is clearly because Microsoft owns NBC, and Steve Kroft works for CBS, so they’re obviously trying to get me to spell his name wrong out of spite!)

We’re #1!

Yes, that’s right: I just saw it on TV, so you know it’s true! It was even on the news! Ha ha! Y’all suck! We’re #1, and you’re not even close!

Of course I’m talking about the fact that LAX (the Los Angeles airport) is #1 for theft of articles out of checked baggage. Nyah, nyah! I know y’all are jealous, but there can be only one #1! (So suck on that, everyone else!)

I must admit, being from New York City myself, that I’m really shocked and dismayed (as well as embarrassed) that New York has fallen behind LA in this department. That’s right: New York’s JFK airport is only #2 on the list. Oh, the shame of it all! And after they named the airport after John F. Kennedy too! He’d be so disappointed.

I know this is big talk, but here is proof of my claim that we’re #1!:

The Name in Spain…

I was watching The Borgias on Showtime, and there was a scene in which the Spanish ambassador was telling the pope that if Spanish troops came to help defend the Vatican against the French, it would be tantamount to a declaration of war between Spain and France. But the thing is, he couldn’t say: “Spain”, he could only say: “Eh-Spain”, like, as in ‘España’. I remember this from taking Spanish classes in high school: the fact that people from Spain have trouble saying things like ‘school’ (‘e-school’), and ‘spell’ (‘e-spell’). Now, this got me to thinking; since Spain and England were rival powers for so long, could it be possible that the English intentionally named the country of Spain ‘Spain’ in the English language because they noticed that people from there had trouble pronouncing stuff like that due to the habits developed from speaking their own language? I mean, might they have done it to laugh at them behind their backs whenever they had to talk about diplomatic matters and such? I can imagine them saying afterwards: “Those stupid Spaniards: they can’t even pronounce their own country correctly!” I know this sounds like a joke, and perhaps even one in bad taste, but it’s really not. They were bitter rivals for many years, and the English are kind of like that, you know: enjoying making their adversaries appear silly (see: treatment of the French in Monty Python’s Flying Circus). Remember the joke in The Producers about the German playwright saying: “We weren’t Nyah-zis, we were Nazis! (like: Not’-seez)”? It’s kind of like that: Brits love to make fun of their adversaries, and if they could have figured out a way to actually make those adversaries inadvertently make fun of themselves, I think they would have jumped at the chance! So that’s my theory, anyway. (I hope I haven’t offended anyone. {At least not this time! Besides, didn’t the Spain basketball team do that offensive pulling-their-eyes-sideways-to-look-like-Asians thing and then refuse to apologize to the politically-correct crowd at the 2008 Olympics in Beijing? Yes, actually, they did. And I’ll give you a link to the picture to prove it!})

Here’s the link that proves Spain deserved the practical joke England played on them:

NYC Subway MUNI Project

New York City subways are embarking on a program to allow musical groups and solo performers to play legally in the city’s subway stations to bring culture and entertainment to the daily commute. This sounds like (Get it? “Sounds like”? Ha ha ha! Oh, sorry…) a great idea, but whether or not it’s cool will depend upon them selecting the right bands. Oh, yes; I neglected to mention that the city is going to choose who gets to play what kind of music there. So I’m guessing it’s going to be a lot of jazz and classical crap. That’s stupid, because it’s already annoying enough to have to ride the subway with lots of smelly butt-grabbers and pan-handlers constantly harassing you without having to listen to lame Kenny G wannabes as the musical score for your lousy experience. Plus, this kind of music is not conducive to the environment; with lots of ambient noise, people coughing and sneezing, loud announcements, victims screaming from being mugged and stabbed, and the ear-splitting sound of trains zooming past and squeaking and squealing to a halt, the music will be barely audible anyway if you play light jazz or chamber music. But if they play hardcore punk rock or death metal, it will drown out every imaginable noise, even the inside-the-head voices commanding crazy people to kill everyone around them! (<And think of how many lives could be saved each year that way!) Plus, it would be totally awesome to have a punk rock band playing loud, raucous music that has everybody pogo-ing and slam-dancing on the platform, knocking each other onto the tracks to be smushed underneath arriving trains! Now that’s entertainment when you’re frustrated and disgusted with having to squeeze into jam-packed train cars like sardines every rush hour! And if they play metal music, it will help prevent terrorist attacks on the subway system, since this is the kind of music used in the “enhanced interrogation” techniques, and terrorists will be scared of it already. Yes, it’s a win-win alright! So let’s hope they do the right thing with this NYC subway “MUNI” project and pick lots of local New York punk and metal bands!

Katy Perry’s Suggestive Videos

A few news stories have appeared on TV recently discussing the supposedly silly and demanding requests in Katy Perry’s “rider” contract. While talking about this stuff, the news show inevitably uses a clip from Perry’s “California Gurlz” video (I mean, I guess that’s what it is, me being fairly unfamiliar with her stuff.), where she’s lying naked on a fake cloud made of cotton candy or whatever, and she looks back at her ass, looks back at the camera, smiles and winks suggestively. And then it hit me: she’s trying to sell us on her ass! But if we’re tricked into buying her albums, we don’t actually get her ass, we just get stuck with a bunch of crappy music. That’s false advertising! Maybe Hustler magazine should have an ad that says: “Tired of getting tricked into buying crappy music by scandalously suggestive music videos that make you think you’re going to get some of what you see suggested in the videos? Then buy Hustler magazine! We don’t tease you with false advertising! When we suggest that you’ll get to see something really scandalous, we mean it!” (<They do, too.)

Here’s a story about Katy Perry’s rider contract demands:

And here’s the Katy Perry video:

Mercedes Safety Features Ad

Mercedes has an ad currently running on TV where actors pretend to be drivers who have been alerted to their criminally reckless driving by the safety features in their Mercedes Benz. (I’m sorry, I couldn’t find the ad online or I would have included it here for you to see.) This is pretty funny: people admitting they are terrible drivers, but thank God they’re rich, or they’d kill us all! They ought to have an ad where they have some rock star guy say: “I was nodding out from all the heroin I had just shot-up, and I didn’t realize I was swerving into oncoming traffic, but my car did; good thing I’m a rich drug addict who could afford a Mercedes, or you’d all be dead now!” (<But he would have survived the crash with just a scratch or two. Isn’t that the way it always happens?)

Judas on Judgment Day

We all know Lady Gaga ruined the celebration of the resurrection of Christ on purpose and intentionally insulted all of Christianity when she released her song “Judas” on Easter earlier this year. We also know this song pretends to use Judas as a metaphor for the “bad boy” type of guy, when it’s actually secretly trying to make Jesus mad. Well, once wasn’t enough for Ms. Gaga; she had to defile Easter again with her filth last night! What? It wasn’t Easter again yesterday? Oh. Sorry, I thought it was because she performed “Judas”. But you know what? It was Judgment Day yesterday, and that’s even worse!

That’s right! While everyone is sitting around all smug and self-satisfied that the world didn’t end yesterday like it was supposed to, nobody is recognizing or admitting the truth: Lady Gaga’s performance of “Judas” last night on Saturday Night Live ruined Judgment Day and now nobody’s going to get Raptured!

Okay, here’s what happened: As some of you know, I was Raptured yesterday evening by mistake (see my post: “Back from the Dead”). I wasn’t sure why They could make a mistake so easily, but it’s clear now! Obviously Jesus knew about Lady Gaga’s plans to sing “Judas” on the occasion of the Rapture, and it so incensed and distracted Him that it threw Him off His game! He was naturally so upset with humanity over this, He gave out the wrong names and stuff by accident, and the angels collected all the wrong people. Then, when He realized the mistake, He was in the process of correcting it when Lady Gaga actually began performing “Judas”, and He got so mad that He decided to call it off completely and not save anyone after all. And it’s all her fault! She knew this would destroy mankind’s only chance at salvation, but she did it anyway! Well, I hope you’re happy now, Lady Gaga, because now everyone’s going to have to burn in hell because of you!

But Jesus had His revenge! If you saw SNL last night on the West Coast, you know that there was a screw-up with the ad break preceding the performance of Lady Gaga's second song ("Born This Way"), with a few lengthy instances of “dead air” and ads cutting off halfway through, etc. When they finally came back to the show, the song was halfway over already! I’ve never seen that happen before on SNL, especially with a big star like Lady Gaga performing. So obviously Jesus did that to get her back for screwing up Judgment Day.