Friday, May 27, 2016

Kenneth Starr Demoted to Chancellor of Baylor

How odd. On the day I make fun of Bill Clinton’s sexual harassment stuff, along comes a story about Kenneth Starr being demoted to Chancellor of Baylor for his insufficient response to allegations of sexual harassment and rape by football players. I have to think, though, that if Bill Clinton had been on that football team, Kenneth Starr surely would have done more to investigate and prosecute the allegations. Maybe he could make it stick this time.

(Kenneth Starr was the guy who investigated and prosecuted Bill Clinton for the Monica Lewinsky sex scandal.)

Arrogant Bastard Ale on the Road

I like Stone Brewery ale. My favorite is the Double Bastard, but when my store ran out of it, as apparently a lot of other people like it too, I got an Arrogant Bastard Ale, and on the back of the bottle was a picture of the major demon (or the devil himself) who is the mascot of the brewery, and behind his head was a red hobo stick and sack, and underneath it said:

Seeing this, I thought: “Road? Why didn’t they use one of those Ed “Big Daddy” Roth monster hot road drawings, but maybe with Coop doing the design?” (Coop does a lot of devil art.)

This is what I am referring to as the monster hot rod:

And here’s a Coop devil hot rod:

I am still waiting for Stone to make the Double Devil Bitch Beer so they can use a Coop devil girl as the label art, like so:

Bill C.

I am not a Trump supporter, but I am also not a Hillary Clinton supporter, and as I am more disgusted with Hillary Clinton’s dishonesty and corruption, and all the news people trying to help her get away with it all, I think maybe Trump should say this at a rally sometime:

“Bill C. He has a history of sexual harassment. He’s been accused of rape. But he’s too big to jail, and millions of people still love him and make excuses for his actions, in addition to his wife denying he ever did anything wrong. Who am I referring to? Is it Bill Cosby, or maybe Bill Clinton? If you can’t tell, then maybe you agree Bill Clinton is the Bill Cosby of politics.”

BTW: I support none of the above. Can we get someone to change their name to None of the Above? They really might win in 2016!

(I will probably get in trouble with Bill Clinton supporters, like the women’s groups who gave him a free pass for his behavior because he supported abortion rights. But I support abortion rights too. Can I get special dispensation for criticizing Bill Clinton for this stuff? {Probably not.})

Thursday, May 26, 2016

Chip Card Dora the Explorer Ad (Proposed)

Where I live in California, everyone has chip cards now, but everyone forgets to insert the chip cards at the grocery store, etc., so they swipe them, and it doesn’t work, and everyone behind them gets mad while the cashier tells them they have to insert the card. So I thought maybe a fun ad or PSA could use Dora the Explorer and Swipey to remind people to insert the chip cards instead of swipe them.

So in this proposed spot, Swiper would be buying groceries at the store, and he swipes his debit card, and Dora the Explorer, who is a customer behind Swiper in line, says: “Swiper no swiping! That’s a chip card: you have to insert it in the slot.”

Then, as a tag, as Dora’s groceries are being rung up, Swiper swipes her ice cream as he leaves the checkout counter, and Dora says: “Swiper no swiping!”

This is Swiper, for those unfamiliar with him:

Fridays Cat Instagram Ad

Recently I saw an ad for the restaurant chain Fridays (I guess formerly T.G.I. Friday’s) where some guy is taking cell phone pictures with his cat, and the ad suggests maybe it would be more fun to go to Fridays. But a lot of people love cats, and lots of them have friends. Is it really a good idea to insult them? Plus, there is nothing more popular on the internet than cats. If Fridays were as popular as cats, maybe they wouldn’t need to advertise. (Cats don’t need to advertise.)

By the way, I will admit the ad is fun and funny. But everyone loves getting offended these days, and there are a whole lot of cat lovers out there, and that’s my point. But it is true that you can’t do anything anymore without offending someone. Sad, that.

Here’s the spot, called: “Pic Your Night”:

Bill of Attainder: The Superhero

Hide your home, it’s Bill of Attainder, the superhero who confiscates property for the government under eminent domain laws!

We all know how dangerous jobs like repo man and bounty hunter can be, but that’s nothing compared to the danger involved in using dubious Supreme Court decisions that were politically motivated literally to steal people’s family homes for the purpose of replacing them with strip malls for generating more tax revenue!

We all know it’s shady. We all know it’s corrupt. We all know it’s treason against the Constitution. That’s why the government needs a real superhero with bona fide superpowers and underwear worn on the outside to do such a job! First, the underwear worn on the outside makes the homeowner victims laugh, unbalancing them. Next, our hero uses his (or her) super speed and super strength to yank everyone out of the house and toss all their belongings onto the street while they’re trying to regain their composure. Then, our hero’s sidekicks, the sheriff’s department, makes sure they can’t re-enter the home by posing on the door a super document with super words super forbidding entrance and super condemning the (perfectly structurally sound) confiscated property.

Who’s going to kick families out of their homes for the government? Why, it’s none other than Bill of Attainder! (That’s who!)

Superhero Movie Costumes if Tween Girls Were the Primary Market

Sorry, Batman and Superman: you can keep the underwear part, but not the rest. Okay, Batman can keep the mask and the utility belt, but ditch the cape, for we cannot see your sexy butt with it on. You too, Superman! You can always tattoo your logos on your chests for identification.

If tween girls were the primary market for superhero films, would the superheroes have to dress like bachelorette party strippers? I think they should have to anyway. After all, the Fantastic Four reboot movie showed Thing wearing no shorts. Yes, he was nude! Surely it was for all the girl fans he has? And how come Mr. Fantastic never stretches out of his costume? Surely he would sometimes, right? And… Freeze frame on the DVR!

Do girls freeze frame the DVR for such things? I don’t know. But isn’t it an equality issue for them to be able to do it if they want to? I think the government should legislate hot pants for male superheroes, buttocks hanging out in the back, etc. Shouldn’t girls get to ogle as much as boys?

Jaqen H’ghar’s Pickup Lines

“If a girl says her phone number, she will have a nice meal.”

“If a girl says her phone number, she will have a place to sleep for the night.”

“If a girl says her phone number, a man will give her a good time.”

(And, of course, afterwards, when she asks his name, he says he’s: “No one.” But this helps a girl. When her parents or friends demand to know who she was out with last night, she can honestly say: “No one.”)

(Oh, and if she’s not interested, she tells him: “A girl has no phone number.”)

This is Jaqen H’ghar, for those who don’t know him: