Saturday, August 31, 2013

Aquaman Mortgage Ad?

I keep seeing ads for refinancing options for people who are "underwater" on their mortgage. And since we're talking about homes that are underwater, why not have Aquaman be the spokesman for these ads? (Maybe The Submariner can do ads for a competing company.) We could see Aquaman in a home that is obviously underwater, with fish swimming through it and stuff, and he could turn to the camera and say: "Hi, I'm Aquaman. I like my home to be underwater, but if you can't breathe under the water like me, you might not like it so much. And if you're underwater with your home, you should get to where you can breathe easier, by refinancing your mortgage now with (whatever mortgage company). They're the Justice League of banks, founded in Atlantis!"

The Ninja Blender

There is a blender called the "Ninja Blender" that I have seen advertised on cable news stations. I can't help but wonder, with it named the "Ninja", does it hide and sneak around the kitchen, stealthily leaping out and blending things for you when you least expect it, disappearing back into the woodwork afterwards? That's what it sounds like it would do.

Chick-fil-A "Bustid" Ad

I'm watching the first Alabama football game of the season, and it's sponsored by Chick-fil-A, so we have lots of their ads. And one of the ads I've seen today is a new one where a woman is eating a burger and a cow protests with a sign that says: "Bustid!" So the woman goes somewhere else, and somewhere else, and yet somewhere even elsier than the other places, and she tries to eat a burger in each place, but wherever she goes, she can't escape the cow, who holds up a sign that tells her she's bustid (sic). And so it has been established (aside from the fact that cows can't spell) that if anyone ever tries to eat a hamburger, they'll be stalked by cows trying to guilt trip them. (She could just dig in spitefully, you know.)

But why not escalate this in the next ad, and show the person getting stampeded by bulls and killed? Or harassed and bullied by animal rights people and vegans? (Maybe the cow can unzip its suit and it's actually a pantomime cow made up of a team of a vegan and an animal rights protester.) And you know you should eat chicken, because a pack of chickens couldn't kill you like cows could (unless they pecked you to death, I suppose). And everybody knows that nobody cares about animals that aren't fuzzy and cute, like chickens, or snakes. (<Actually, that may seem true much of the time, but real animal rights people care about all animals. It's just the shallow politically correct poseurs who only care about the cute & furry animals.)

But you know, this ad may invite something similar for Chick-fil-A. Gay protesters could hold signs outside Chick-fil-A restaurants that say: "Bustid 4 Bigotry!" That would use their own ad campaign against them. (Although the truth is, it's only the owner who espouses anti-gay views, and the people who work at the restaurants have nothing whatsoever to do with it, so it's not really their fault, so bothering the employees about it would be misplacing the blame.)

Here's the busted burger bit:

Friday, August 30, 2013

Freedom Muffins?

The United Kingdom's Parliament rejected a proposal to help the United States take military action against Syria, leading the Obama Administration to mandate that English Muffins henceforth be called "Freedom Muffins". (You may remember French Fries being called "Freedom Fries" as revenge for France being buzzkills over the Iraq War. But apparently, after seeing how much great stuff they'd missed out on in Iraq, France is insisting to get to be a part of the Syrian strike force. Either that, or they don't want to suffer the indignity of having French Fries called "Freedom Fries" again.) The Pentagon proposed calling them "French Muffins", since France appears to be willing to aid us in our proposed military strike, but France threatened to drop out of the Syrian conflict if their nation is ascribed even nominal blame for foodstuffs originating from or related in any way whatsoever to England.

Thursday, August 29, 2013

MLK "I Have A Dream" Speech-Inspired Ads

Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. is without a doubt one of the greatest Americans, and quite possibly the greatest of all. This week marks the 50th Anniversary of the March on Washington, culminating in his monumental "I have a dream" speech. And whenever something really big happens that attracts my attention, my silly advertising-on-the-brain makes me come up with ads related to the occasion. And once someone becomes hailed as a national treasure, it's only a matter of time before they're exploited for advertising purposes. And this is especially true if you've got your own holiday, like Martin Luther King, Jr. does. And so here are a few silly ad ideas inspired by MLK and his epoch-making March on Washington and historic "I have a dream" speech. (Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. is one of my personal heroes, and these are just meant in fun to show how silly ads like this can be, like what the President's Day sales do to Lincoln and Washington and Roosevelt, et. al.)

Breathe Right Strips: MLK and his wife are sleeping in bed at night, and he's snoring, so she sits up, turns to the camera, and says: "I have a dream too, but his snoring keeps waking me up. That's why I'm going to have him try Breathe Right Strips. Then maybe I can share that dream with him all the way through."

Patagonia: The announcer says: "Today marks the 50th Anniversary of Dr. Martin Luther King's March on Washington, and if like him, you've been to the mountaintop, you know how important it is to have warm clothes, like Gore-Tex jackets and pants from Patagonia!"

Clarks Shoes: The announcer says: "When marching on Washington, in order to make your point in the most effective manner possible, you need to avoid the distraction and pain of uncomfortable shoes. But you also need to make a good impression with nice shoes. That's why you need Clarks! Clarks offer the comfort of a running shoe with the look and style required for formal and business occasions. Marching to make a difference? Make your mark with Clarks!"

Tanning Salon: The announcer lady, sounding like a valley girl, says: "We'd all like to be judged by the content of our character, and not by the color of our skin. But if you show up at the beach this summer all pale and wan with a wintertime body, you know people are going to treat you differently, and not in a good way. So come on down to the tanning salon to get yourself a nice golden brown tan for that perfect beach body today!"

CNN Graphic Shows American Missiles Raining Down Upon Turkey

This morning, CNN showed a 3D animated sequence of what our military's plan might be to attack Syria. The only problem was, most of the missiles they showed flying through the air landed in Turkey, not in Syria. Are we planning a secret war on Turkey? If so, CNN has let the cat out of the bag! And if not, we might just find ourselves in one anyway if our aim is as bad as CNN's graphics indicate.

Here's the video (The missiles raining down on Turkey starts at ~1:52):

Geico Gecko Origin Story (Joke) Ad

We all know that the Geico Gecko cares about car insurance a lot, and he also wants to save people lots of money. But why would a gecko care about such things? Isn’t this the burning question we all need to know? So here’s a (joke) ad to tell this backstory:

A gecko, the young version of the Geico advertising mascot we all know and love, is a reckless youth who wants to go on a joy ride, and so he steals a car to go on that joy ride. Well, being a gecko, he’s way too small to be able to see where he’s going, so he wrecks the car, tragically injuring scores of people and destroying lots of property to boot. Well, the person who owned the car he stole got blamed for his reckless act (they try to claim the gecko stole and wrecked their car, but they get laughed out of court), and they go bankrupt from the lawsuits and settlements. And seeing all of this happen, our guilty gecko realizes that the person whose car he stole and wrecked was not adequately covered insurance-wise because car insurance is so expensive. And so our heroic car insurance reptile vows to make restitution for his youthful criminal recklessness by founding a car insurance company that will not only cover drivers for such accidents and their high costs, but do so in a manner that will be reasonably-priced, so everyone who needs car insurance coverage can afford it.

There, it all makes sense now why a gecko would care about car insurance, right?

V8 V Fusion Energy “Kick in the Rear” Ad

In this commercial for the new V8 energy drink, we see people who are drinking it kicking themselves in the butt. And this clearly implies that if you ever see someone drinking one and not kicking themselves in the rear, they must need some help, so you should kick them in the rear for them. And with this in mind, now that it’s football season again, wouldn’t it be more colorful and memorable if someone drank one of these V8 V Fusion Energy drinks and then a football field goal kicker ran up behind them and kicked their butt? Then they could go flying across the room, or over something, and a referee could raise his arms to confirm the kick is good, and maybe the NFL could split the cost of the ad with V8.

Here’s the keister-kicking commercial:

Mitsubishi Electric Shadowboxing Ad

In this spot for Mitsubishi Electric heating and cooling, we see a man fighting a shadow in his own home, and they claim this wouldn’t happen if this guy got the Mitsubishi system. Oh, but I think they might be misrepresenting this situation, for to me this looks like one of those ghost shows where someone is being haunted by a demon or something, and I doubt Mitsubishi systems do exorcisms. So maybe that shadow attacking you in your home isn’t due to your energy costs. And if that’s the case, rent your house out to ghost hunters, and you can buy a new house somewhere nice, without being attacked by demons.

Here’s the haunted house heating & cooling commercial:

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Will America Drop a "Debt Bomb" on Syria?

We have heard Republicans warning of the "debt bomb" we have building up, threatening us all here in America, with unfunded pensions, spiraling national debt, etc. And we also know that President Obama wants to take military action against Syria for its alleged use of chemical weapons. And we also don't want to cause mass casualties, or necessarily throw off the balance of power in the stalemate civil war. And so I recommend deploying the debt bomb we're threatened with on Syria.

No, hear me out. If we started using debt bombs instead of explosive or incendiary ordnance, we could drastically impact and punish whatever regime we're mad at without killing anyone, and our enemies would be so far in debt that they wouldn't be able to buy more weapons or even pay their own soldiers anymore; plus, every time we drop a debt bomb on another country, they assume our debt, and we don't owe or have to pay it anymore. So come on, military industrial complex: develop the debt bomb for military applications! And if it works, you can pay yourselves any amount you like, because we're just going to drop the bill on someone else anyway...

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Serial Killer Earth

There's some show on the History Channel called Serial Killer Earth. Well, I've never seen the show, but its title gave me an idea. America loves serial killers, so maybe by calling the Earth a serial killer, we could get Americans into environmentalism. And just like whenever some serial killer is going to be executed and protesters show up with signs saying: "Hey, man, save the murderers!", whenever Earth is threatened, maybe Americans would care if we thought of Earth as being a serial killer, and we'd save the Earth. It's worth a try, right?

Airlines Offer "Kid-Free Zones"

CNN reports that some airlines are now offering "kid-free zones" on flights, for an additional fee, which may be quite substantial. So will people really want to pay lots extra to have their flight free from the annoyance of children? Well, the airlines have that figured out already: for everyone who is not willing to pay the extra amount to avoid the children will be extra-annoyed, because airlines will be paying all children aboard their flights with candy and stuffed animals and toys to be extra obnoxious and loud, kicking chairs for hours, running around the cabin crying, spitting, yelling and throwing stuff, etc. And after a few flights like that, everyone will gladly pay the additional amount, or else check themselves as baggage just to get away from the kids. And once the rest of the airline carriers see how successful this program is, they'll all initiate one of their own, and we'll all have to pay some gouging fee or else be driven insane by candy- and toy-craving children. (Ah, the free market at work!)

Planters Peanuts Bill Hader Motivational Speech Ad

“Only you can put the peanut in your mouth.” Such is one of the biggest takeaway lines from this commercial for Planters Peanuts. Well, the ad is fun and memorable, but doesn’t this quote I listed above sort of sound like a disclaimer/legal defense against lawsuits from peanut allergy casualty families? If it weren’t for that line and what it seems to suggest, I’d like this one a lot more. (I'm also not sure he's really talking about peanuts there. It is just possible that this is intended as a joke on another word that sounds similar to peanut.)

Here’s the Planters Peanuts propaganda piece:

Russia Threatens to Execute Edward Snowden over Syria Response

Today, Russia warned the Obama Administration that if the United States strikes Syria, there would be severe consequences from Russia. And since there isn't that much Russia could really do about it, they're threatening to execute Edward Snowden, the only American everyone knows is in Russia. And reportedly, upon hearing this, President Obama called Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel and said: "Are we ready to launch those missiles yet? We could kill two birds with one stone!"

Monday, August 26, 2013

Yosemite Sam Gluten Free Products Ad (Joke/Proposed)

Yosemite Sam says to the camera: “You know me, I’m Yosemite Sam, the roughest, toughest, he-man stuffest hombr√© ever to cross the Rio Grande! But lately, I haven’t felt quite so rootin’, tootin’, shootin’ due to my gluten allergy. That’s why now I only eat (whatever brand of gluten-free products): they’re rootin’, tootin’, gluten-free! And that makes me as rough and tough a he-man stuff as I oughta be!”

Yes, it’s very silly. But who would forget it once they’d seen it?

President Obama, Critics, Make “Blurred Lines” Syria Video

Yes, it’s the “Song of the Summer” for fans of the Syrian Revolution: the new “Blurred Lines” video from President Obama, John McCain, Lindsey Graham, David Cameron, and surprisingly, Syrian President Bashar al Assad. And yes, this song is about the vague, blurred red lines the president has set over chemical weapons use in Syria, with lyrics sung like so:

Barack Obama: They gassed their people
Bashar al Assad: But you can’t prove it.
John McCain: Let’s shoot some missiles.
Barack Obama: Don’t want to do it.
All: I hate these blurred red lines!

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Clash of the Titans (1981) Bloopers

Robot Chicken, one of my favorite shows ever on television, occasionally has sketches about fictional bloopers from well-known movies. So when Clash of the Titans, the Ray Harryhausen classic, was on TCM the other night, I couldn’t help but think of some silly bloopers like might be seen on Robot Chicken.

In the scene where Queen Cassiopeia insults the goddess Thetis, the giant head of the statue of Thetis comes crashing down, accidentally crushing Princess Andromeda. Then everyone starts laughing, and the statue’s head becomes animated, sees what happened, and starts laughing too, saying: “Oh, whoops; I was going to demand you sacrifice her. I guess it’s too late now, huh?” Everyone laughs harder, and the director yells: “Cut!” Then, in the next take, the statue’s head falls, crushing Perseus. Then the head becomes animated and starts laughing, saying: “He was going to save her, wasn’t he? Not anymore! Ha ha ha!”, and the crew all start laughing. The director yells: “Cut! I know you think this is very funny, but can we do it right for once?” Then, in the next take, the head falls off sideways, crushing the director. Everyone laughs, including the giant statue’s head, who says: “How was that? Better?” Everyone laughs louder.

In the scene where Perseus and his men cross the River Styx, Perseus hands Charon the coins, but because Charon’s hand is a skeleton hand, the coins fall through his metacarpals, bouncing into the boat. Charon tries to pick them up, but he can’t, due to his skeleton hand. Perseus and his men all start laughing, and offended, Charon pushes them all into the water and rows away by himself, at which point the director yells: “Cut! They didn’t mean it, please come back.” Then, in take two, Perseus places the coins in Charon’s hand but they fall through again, this time into the water. Charon reaches into the water, but falls in, sinking to the bottom. Perseus and his men start to row away without him, and the director yells: “Cut! Can we follow the script, please?” Then, in the next take, Perseus hands Charon a $100 bill, asking: “Can you change a hundred?” Everyone laughs, and the director yells: “Cut! Can we do this right, please?” (Charon pockets the hundred.)

In the scene where Perseus’s men fight the two-headed dog Dioskilos, one of them brings a discus and throws it, causing the dog to go chasing after it playfully. All the men fighting the dog start laughing, and the director says: “Cut! I told you not to do that!”, causing everyone to laugh louder. Then, in the next try, someone drops a couple of squeaky toys, and the dog starts playing with them, making everyone fall down laughing, and causing the director to yell: “Cut! God damn it!” Then, at the next take, someone throws a cat, and the dog goes chasing after it, with much meowing and barking, and everyone starts laughing. The director yells: “Cut! Oh, very mature.”

In the scene where Perseus comes back triumphant, having killed Medusa, Perseus walks back to his men, holding the severed head of Medusa aloft, proclaiming: “I got it!” Everyone looks at the head and turns to stone, causing Perseus to look up at it too, saying: “Oh, shit, sorry…”, and he turns to stone. The director yells: “Cut! God damn it!” And then we hear the turning to stone sound effect, indicating that the director and camera crew have turned to stone as well.

At the final clash, Perseus, while riding Pegasus, gets hit with a bird strike before he can get Medusa’s head back, and as he goes tumbling into the sea, another seagull grabs Medusa’s head and flies away. Everyone laughs, the Kraken strikes, kills Princess Andromeda, and everyone gets massacred. The director yells: “Cut! Can’t you do anything right? Try it again!”

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Future Amityville Horror Movies

You may think the well is dry on Amityville Horror movies, but you’re wrong! Look for these movies coming out soon:

The Amityville Horror: Lured by Lucifer
The Amityville Horror: House-Hunting with Harpies
The Amityville Horror: A Timeshare with Satan
The Amityville Horror: A Mortgage from Mephistopheles
The Amityville Horror: Bedfellows with Beelzebub
The Amityville Horror: Afternoons with Astaroth
The Amityville Horror: Chillin’ with Charon
The Amityville Horror: Dinner with Demons
The Amityville Horror: Prisoners of Pazuzu
The Amityville Horror: Bashed by Baphomet
The Amityville Horror: Evicted by Evil
The Amityville Horror, the Revenge: A Bug-Zapper for Belial
The Amityville Horror, the Revenge 2: Exterminators of Evil

Suck It! (The Animated Movie)

Yes, it’s Suck It!, the animated kids movie about mosquitoes! I know, I know, but these are good mosquitoes who chase after illegal poachers. Yes, these mosquitoes depend upon the blood of some protected species to hatch their young, and once these mean illegal poachers start killing off the protected species, the mosquitoes go after them in force and bite them all, making their skin a patchwork of itchy bumps, causing them to give up poaching once and for all! It’s a heartwarming story of redemption, where a group of usually hated mosquitoes wins the love and appreciation of environmentalists and conservationists everywhere (and then they give them all malaria). It’s Suck It!, coming soon to a theater near you!

(So many animated movies for kids have an environmentalism or anti-hunting theme, so why not this one? Then kids would sleep next to big stuffed animal mosquitoes, and yell at exterminators.)