Sunday, July 31, 2016

They Saved Trump's Brain (The New Cult Movie)

Bad movie aficionados know the classic dreck movie They Saved Hitler's Brain. In this classic bad film, Hitler did not die in the Berlin Bunker, but rather, some neo-Nazi or radical political group actually saved his brain and are using it, I guess, for thinking up naughty stuff, or helping them take over the world, or some such thing. As it turns out, not only did they save Hitler's brain, actually they have Hitler's whole head in a 20-gallon fish tank, and whenever someone is killed, it makes mean, evil, smiling faces, like he probably did in real life when his head was still attached to his body. (I wonder why they didn't save his body too while they were at it; then they wouldn't have to carry his head around in a fish tank all the time. It seems very inconvenient to have to carry a fish tank around everywhere.)

Well, while the title is similar, the plot to the upcoming instant classic bad movie They Saved Trump's Brain is quite different from its predecessor They Saved Hitler's Brain.

In They Saved Trump's Brain, Donald Trump's brain becomes so humiliated that it is being blamed for Mr. Trump's behavior that it escapes by leaping out of his mouth while his head is up his own ass. Then, later, it uses its bodily functions command center to make Trumps' anus excrete his brain into his pants, at which point Trump's brain slides down his leg and escapes into the world. But, unable to survive without a blood supply to distribute oxygen into its gray matter, the brain starts to wither and die. But, as luck would have it, the brain is discovered by a heroic neurologist who recognizes the brain as Trump's due to its 24-karat gold-plated meninges, and deduces the truth: Donald Trump's brain rebelled against him and escaped in order to expose to the world what an absurdly shallow, narcissistic, sociopathic megalomaniac he is, hungry for power, constantly expressing himself through hyperbole, and always recklessly aligning himself with anyone who kisses up to him while detesting and smearing everyone who refuses to do so. And so our heroic neurologist partners with a neurobiologist to create a vessel for Trump's brain to occupy that keeps it alive and healthy, and with a computer scientist to translate Trump's brain's thoughts into spoken language so that it can communicate to the world what it knows about Donald Trump's inner workings and most private thoughts. And so Donald Trump's brain exposes Trump to the world, saving it from his presidential bid. Then, in the last shot of the movie, Trump's brain turns to the audience and says: "And I encourage Hillary Clinton's brain to have the courage and integrity to do what I did: escape from her body and expose her darkest secrets to the world before it's too late to stop her candidacy too."

This is They Saved Hitler's Brain:

Saturday, July 30, 2016

Western Bagel Gunfighter Ad (Joke/Proposed)

We see a scene in an Old West milieu, with an over-the-shoulder shot of a Western gunfighter type of guy setting up targets for him to shoot. He sets up a series of six round rolls (on their sides, with the round parts facing the camera) along the top rail of an old wooden fence and then he walks backwards ten paces. The announcer says: "People ask us how Western Bagels get those holes in the middle of them."  Then we see the gunfighter draw his gun and shoot six times. Then we cut to a view behind the rolls as the bullets hit them, and we see that the gunfighter has hit each roll dead center, turning them into bagels. Then the announcer says: "Western Bagels: They always hit the spot!"

(I live in Southern California, and Western Bagel is my favorite brand of bagels here.)

Hellmann's Mayonnaise Rocker Ad (Joke/Proposed)

Two young men return to an apartment after a hard rock concert. One of them, the owner of the apartment, is a normal, nondescript working stiff type of guy, and the other one is a rocker type of guy with long hair, tattoos, and a black leather motorcycle jacket with metal spikes all over the lapels, and with a jean jacket vest over the leather jacket with a metal band logo patch sewn onto the back of it. The working stiff guy says: "Wow, that was a great concert!" And the rocker guy says: "yeah, man; it was awesome! Hey, you got anything to eat?" The normal guy says: "How about a sandwich?" The rocker guy agrees, and the working stiff guy makes him a sandwich, something with Hellmann's mayonnaise on it, and he hands it to the rocker guy. The rocker guy takes a bite and says: "Oh, hell, man, that is some fantastic mayonnaise! What kind is it?" And the other guy says: "It's Hellmann's mayonnaise." And the rocker guy says: "No way! Hell-man's? Right on, man!"

Then the announcer says: "Everyone loves the great taste of Hellmann's mayonnaise!"

DNC Explanation of Campaign Finance Questions

The Wikileaks DNC email dump exposed what appear to be serious campaign finance irregularities, according to a story by Politico. Reportedly, in group fundraising, the Hillary Clinton campaign has kept the vast majority of the money raised that was supposed to be split between her campaign and the campaigns of numerous state DNC candidates, with the states only keeping 0.56% of all moneys raised. The emails make it look like rest of the money has gone to Hillary's campaign, and the states are upset about it. If true, this uses money laundering tactics to circumvent campaign donation limits set by campaign finance laws. This is especially egregious/amusing when you consider that the Democrats are the ones always complaining about how corrosive and corrupting money in politics is to our democratic system. Now we see how they know so well how corrupting it really is.

But this is all part of the plan, according to the DNC. You see, according to them, the DNC allegedly violated campaign finance laws the way they did to demonstrate to the public just how easy it is to violate the laws and become corrupted to the core by campaign contributions, proving once and for all just how much money in politics can corrupt candidates and political parties.

And that's all they were doing: educating us via an object lesson just how bad money in politics is! Imagine if a truly corrupt political party, like the RNC, or truly corrupt candidates, like any and all Republican candidates, became corrupted like the DNC and Hillary Clinton have been shown to be in the hacked DNC emails: then our government could really become corrupt! And then political parties could actually try to fix the outcomes of primary elections and maybe even general elections someday!

It's a really good thing the Democrats tried to warn us about the potential for the corruption of money in politics by going through the motions of pretending to be corrupted by it themselves, and pretending to have it all be exposed by a pretend hack of their emails so that it would look and seem real. So now we'll be ready if anyone ever tries any of these shenanigans for real someday! I'm glad the DNC had the courage to demonstrate this.

Here's the Politico story I referred to above:

Razor Terrorist Joke Ads

We see a bunch of pictures of known terrorists, all with beards, and the announcer says: “Most terrorists have beards. What are you, a terrorist? Don’t make people think you’re a terrorist; use (whatever brand of) razors!”

In the next spot in this ad campaign, we see a bearded man walking down the sidewalk in New York City (or Washington, D.C.), when a van pulls up next to him, and then three men jump out, grab the bearded man, force a black bag over his head and a plastic tie around his wrists, and push him into the van. Then we cut to a televised news report showing a picture of the bearded man we saw earlier and saying federal authorities have captured a suspected terrorist, and the announcer says: “We tried to warn him. Don’t let this happen to you! Use (whatever brand of) razors!”

(This is what’s known as: “the hard sell”.)

Friday, July 29, 2016

Serious Problem with MS Word

Microsoft Word has a very serious problem. The “Clear Recent” option is directly below the “More…” option in the “Open Recent” selection in the “File” pulldown menu, and it is amazingly easy to accidentally select “Clear Recent” when trying to select “More…” when you want to find and open a recent file, or a series of recent files. It doesn’t ask you, like most software when you try to delete a bunch of stuff: “Are you sure you want to clear recent files? Y/N”. And it does not allow you to undo the cleared files if you selected it by accident, so if there are a bunch of docs saved to different folders, you then have to go searching all over for the files. And if you don’t remember what they are, forget it: you may never find them.

This is such a disastrous flaw in the program that it ruins my whole day occasionally. I have repeatedly tried to ask them to fix this, but they make it virtually impossible to contact them via email, and they give their users an endless maze of menus to navigate before you finally realize they will not ever allow you to send them a message. It is positively maddening to get the runaround like that when you are already frustrated by this amazingly dunderheaded design flaw that stabs you in the back so easily, especially when using the mouse on a Windows machine.

I guess I will have to switch to another word processing program, because Microsoft Word is so poorly designed in places and is now such a massive program that takes so much memory to run, with a myriad of useless features, and is so incompetently coded that it requires weekly upgrades they claim are “critical” for security reasons. You would think they would want to allow users to easily contact them with issues so they could make the program more pleasant and efficient to use: No such luck.

Mega fail, Microsoft.

Listerine Hillary Clinton Joke Ad

We see Hillary Clinton practicing testimony in the mirror of her bathroom at home, and she’s telling lie after lie after lie to her reflection. Then she says: “Remember: lying has always worked for you before. You always get away with everything. Just keep on lying, and you’ll be fine.” Then she picks up a bottle of Listerine and says to herself: “Maybe if I have fresh breath they’ll like me better.” So she rinses her mouth with Listerine and she spits it out. Then she tries to practice her testimony again, but this time, she cannot lie anymore. No matter how hard she tries, she cannot tell a lie. And as she begins to panic, the announcer says: “Listerine kills all the germs that cause corruption in your mouth.”

Tang Trump Joke Ad

Donald Trump gets up in the morning, looking very pale. He takes a shower, and he gets out of the shower dripping wet. Then he pours a container of Tang breakfast drink on a 6’ x 6’ piece of plastic on the floor; and then, while he’s still wet, he lies down and rolls around on it, making the Tang stick to him. And when he stands up, he is all orange, like he usually looks. Then we see the slogan printed over video of Donald Trump holding his arms up, giving the thumbs up to a crowd at a podium: “Make America Orange Again.”

Men’s Wearhouse Tie Sale Ad (Proposed)

It’s the Men’s Wearhouse “Fit To Be Tied” Sale! All of our wonderful ties are beautiful and absolutely fit to be tied! And you’ll be fit to be tied when you see all these beautiful ties at such great prices!

Also, they could have some tame bondage scenes a-la 50 Shades of Grey, where some young man ties a young woman’s hands to the arms of a chair, or she ties his hands to the bedposts, with his beautiful silk ties from Men’s Wearhouse. And, of course, she’s wearing a man’s button-front shirt (also from Men’s Wearhouse) as a nightgown. They probably wouldn’t do that in an ad, but they totally could, and I’ll bet it would make some waves, make people remember it, and most importantly, sell some more of their ties.

Hair Club for Men Bald Like Me Ad (Proposed)

A man wakes up one morning to find that he is bald, and this has the unexpected effect of also making him seemingly invisible to women. All of a sudden women act as if they cannot see him; it’s like he doesn’t exist at all to them. And other men barely notice him. So concerned, the man goes to the Hair Club for Men. They see him just fine, and they say they understand his experience, for they’ve all been through it before themselves. So a doctor goes over the man’s options with him, and through one of their treatments, he manages to get a normal head of hair again. And once he has hair again, all of a sudden women notice him again! It’s like he’s been brought back from the dead, but without that pesky hunger for brains.

John Hinckley To Be Released

John Hinckley Jr., the man who shot Ronald Reagan to impress Jodie Foster, is scheduled to be released from custody in a federal psychiatric hospital.

His release was approved when doctors determined that Hinckley would totally not try to shoot Donald Trump to impress Kristen Stewart.

(Ironically, many Hollywood actresses today actually might be impressed if he did.)

Here’s the previously psychopathic piece:

Thursday, July 28, 2016

Trump’s Invitation to Russian Hackers

Donald Trump is a bombastic jerk for inviting Russian Hackers to try to hack Hillary Clinton’s 33,000 missing emails, but the Democratic response to Trump’s stupid statement is every bit as idiotic.

First off, when have hackers ever waited for permission to hack into anything? Either Russian hackers have all of Hillary’s emails from her illegal private server or they don’t have any of them. The server is no longer connected to the internet, Hillary deleted all of the “personal” emails anyway, and additionally, she claims to have wiped the server clean of data. How could even the best hacker in the world hack into a server that is not online, and which contains no files? Obviously, they couldn’t. So why all the hyperbolic overreaction? Pure partisanship: that’s all. Did they have grounds for criticizing Trump for his invitation? Sure, in theory it was reckless; but it was also not a realistic threat whatsoever, and they know it. Trump is not the president yet, so he has no authority to invite anyone to do anything except inasmuch as he is a private citizen exercising his free speech. Yes, it’s obnoxious, but it’s hardly a threat. (Now had he secretly used back channels to hire hackers to hack government servers, then yes, the hyperbole would be justified; but as it is, it’s not, and they know it.)

Next, Hillary Clinton broke records keeping laws when she deleted those 33,000 emails in the first place, so we have a right to see them. And since they would be subject to Freedom of Information Act requests, it would hardly make much difference whether they were dumped by Wikileaks or provided by the Federal Government. (They cynically redact way too much anyway, and we have a right to know more. That’s why Wikileaks document dumps happen in the first place. If the government were transparent like they should be and dishonestly claim to be, the need for groups like Wikileaks would be obviated.) She reportedly engaged in some pay-to-play schemes while acting as Secretary of State, and my guess is that those emails contained the details, and that’s why she deleted them. One of these shady deals Hillary made was approving the sale of Uranium One, a uranium mining company that holds the rights to 1/5 of the world’s uranium deposits. Who did she approve the sale of Uranium One to? A company controlled by the Russian government. (Source: The New York Times: Not exactly a right-leaning publication. I’ll attach a link to the article below.) If anyone is guilty of treasonous actions with Russia, it’s Hillary. But if Trump’s offer was a legitimate one, and he were the president, then yes, he could legitimately be accused of treason too. He does not have the demeanor to be president, but she does not have the integrity to be president.

Bill Maher said that if a Democrat made the offer to hack the US government Trump did, Republicans would be up in arms. That’s true. Except that Trump encouraged Russian hackers to find Hillary’s supposedly personal emails from her personal server, which is hardly the same thing as requesting a hack of the government; unless Hillary was lying, and those deleted emails contain sensitive government information, in which case, it was undeniably a crime not to preserve them. Had Hillary simply followed the rules, she, and the country, would not be in this absurd situation now. And it’s such a clusterf*ck that I seriously doubt it was done simply for Hillary’s “convenience”; after all, James Comey listed off the many demonstrably untrue excuses Hillary tried to use for the use of the private server; despite not charging her, Comey made it clear that Ms. Clinton had been completely dishonest about basically every explanation she gave the FBI. (I thought lying to the FBI was a crime, or at least a no-no. Naughty naughty, Ms. Presumptive President. {Hillary Clinton will undoubtedly win the election and be the next President of the United States.}) It is also true that if a Republican made that Uranium One deal with Russia, Democrats would scream treason about that, but when Hillary does it they either think it’s fine or act like Sergeant Schultz from Hogans Heroes: “I see nothing, nothing!”

So as we all clearly know, either Russia already has Hillary’s 33,000 illegally deleted emails from her private server, or they don’t; but they couldn’t possibly get them now via hacking unless they’re preserved on another server somewhere else, which I’m guessing Hillary made every effort to ensure they’re not. Since they were comingled with her State Department emails, they all, by law, belong to the American People. It was a crime to withhold them, and I hope they will turn up someday just because they belong to the people. Anyone who disputes this is just making excuses for Hillary because they are a brainwashed supporter of hers, or else they are willfully ignorant of the situation. And not charging her with violating the records laws was a betrayal of the country that encourages further corruption by both Ms. Clinton and others within the government. James Comey should be very, very ashamed of himself for that absurd decision, and when the government becomes even more corrupt as a result of his decision, I hope the guilt of knowing he is personally responsible will haunt him for the rest of his life.

I’m sorry Hillary is the Democratic Party nominee for president, not because I don’t want a woman president (I do want a woman president, especially Kirsten Gillibrand: someone who I actually trust and admire; so rare in politics these days), and not because I want Trump to be president (I do not want Donald Trump to be president), but because the Democrats had so many good candidates they could have nominated, and instead they chose literally the most dishonest, corrupt politician in America today. That’s truly pathetic, absurd, and amazingly hypocritical of them, because they always scream bloody murder about Republican corruption (as well they should), but they always look the other way at Democrat corruption. All I want is for everyone to be judged by the same standards and for everyone to be treated equally, and that does not happen in this country. People are so brainwashed with partisan groupthink that they always hate on anyone on the other side of the aisle, no matter how well-meaning they might be, and they always support anyone on their own side of the aisle no matter how corrupt or dishonest or incompetent they may be. It’s so harmful to the country for so many people to behave like this, filled with prejudiced hatred toward anyone who does not agree with them on all political issues. The intolerance is astounding, especially from the supposedly forgiving Christian conservatives on the right, and the purportedly oh-so tolerant liberals on the left. Until we can learn to stop accusing, judging, and exaggerating the faults of our fellow Americans like sports fans do to fans of a rival team, this country is going to continue on its path of divisiveness until it crumbles.

Both sides love to claim Abraham Lincoln as their own, but they both forget one of the most important things he said: “A house divided against itself cannot stand.” Well, thanks to hacks and haters on both sides in politics, their propagandists in the news, and their brainwashed useful idiots in the general populace, this country is so divided it’s only a mater of time before we tear ourselves apart. I understand politicians want to win elections, news people want to root for who they prefer, late night comics want to smear people they disagree with, and private citizens care about policies they believe in, but unless we can be honest about what the truth is and stop lying and spinning, especially to ourselves, none of us is going to see anything positive come out of this system of ours. Please stop all the hate speech and vitriol. What ever happened to disagreeing without being disagreeable?

Bounty Paper Towels Bounty Hunters Ad (Proposed)

In a visual style reminiscent of the Spaghetti Western movies of Sergio Leone, we see an Old West town, and then we see two or three strangers ride into town on horseback. The announcer tells us these are the “Bounty Hunters”. They’re tough-looking Western movie gunfighter-type men like Clint Eastwood, armed with Bounty Paper Towels who are constantly hunting for a dirty place to clean up. They wear paper towel dispensers with rolls of Bounty Paper Towels on their hips in the place of guns in holsters, and they quick-draw paper towels out of them whenever a spill occurs within their general vicinity. And once they arrive, and the townspeople see them, they announce: “We’re gonna clean up this town.” And they proceed to clean up everything dirty or grimy and every spill in the whole town. And when they arrive at the saloon, they encounter spilled whiskey, tobacco spit, blood from gunfights, scuff marks from boots, etc. on the bar, on the tables and all over the floor. By the end of the day, the town is absolutely spotless and gleaming with cleanliness. And as they ride off into the sunset, having been cleaning all day long, the announcer says: “And another town is cleaned up, thanks to the ‘Bounty Hunters’!”

PeTA Anti-Meat Print Ad (Proposed)

We see a lovingly photographed plate of cooked or grilled meat (a broiled steak, a piece of grilled or fried chicken, a pork chop), and the headline reads: “Death Warmed Over”.

PeTA Anti-Subway Sandwiches Print Ad (Proposed)

We would see a picture of one of their meat sub sandwiches, with blood running out of it, and the slogan would read:

Subhuman Sandwiches: Eat Flesh

Spider-Man’s Sticky Rice

As Spider-Man fans know, when Peter Parker first became Spider-Man, he intentionally did not apprehend an armed robber who then killed Uncle Ben. And without Uncle Ben’s Converted Rice, all rice sticks together now.

Like the comic book said: with great power comes great responsibility.

And so Spider-Man is really the guy who unintentionally prevented the creation of non-sticky rice. That’s why Peter Parker has launched a brand of sticky rice. He claims he likes sticky rice, but I think we all know the real reason behind his sticky rice, don’t we?

Dominant Jeans

It’s Dominant Jeans, the jeans for tough, strong, charismatic, dominant people! With a look and style that dominates other brands, Dominant Jeans will help you dominate everyone around you, guaranteed!

That’s Dominant Jeans: They eat other brands of jeans for breakfast, as well as bully the pants off of all other types of pants!

And we also make Submissive Jeans for wimps and submissive personalities, and Recessive Jeans for stylish recession fashion for underemployed and unemployed people. When they see you wearing Recessive jeans, they’ll know you need a job!