Saturday, June 28, 2014

Adidas All In or Nothing (Joke) Soccer Ad

There's a big soccer game in a stadium, and at the beginning of the second half, a substitute player, for the team sponsored by Adidas, asks his coach to let him go in. The coach says no, so the player just runs onto the pitch anyway. And then the whole bench of substitute players runs onto the pitch, all going for the ball. Then the other bench clears, and they're all in the game too. It's pandemonium out there! Well, the referee's not having it, so he stops the game and throws all the subs out; but the starting players refuse to play without them, and they all quit the game and storm off the pitch and out of the stadium, which causes a huge riot in the stands. Then we cut to a splash screen of the slogan: "Adidas: All In or Nothing."

Fútbol del Caníbal: The Horror Movie

In this horrific cannibal gore film, a soccer game is being played in the World Cup when one player bites another one, actually biting a large chunk out of the other player's arm, causing much blood to spill. Well, the offending player decides he likes the taste of his opponent's flesh, and so he chews it up and eats it, whereupon players for the opposing team attack the biter, biting at him furiously and actually literally eating him alive. Well, then the eaten player's teammates attack his eaters, and they all attack and bite each other furiously, eating whatever they can bite off. Blood flows freely, and when the referee tries to stop the melee, he too is bitten and devoured. Well, this sets off the crowd, and supporters of both sides attack each other with reckless abandon, biting, chewing, gnawing in a blind rage. And pretty soon, everyone is so covered with blood and gore, nobody can even tell who is a fan of which team anymore, whereupon everybody masticates and swallows each other in a random feast of indiscriminate slaughter. And, naturally, some fans escape the stadium, not to flee the carnage, but to spread it further in a virulent spontaneous paroxysm of mass cannibalistic consumption. (Starring Luis Suarez, in his acting debut.)

Life Alert Soccer (Joke) Ad

A group of people is playing soccer, including a middle-aged man. The man gets a sharp pain in his chest, and he falls to the ground, writhing in pain, and everyone just stands around, goading him and telling him to stop faking an injury. Then we cut to the same man looking at a video image of what we just saw, and he says: "I was playing soccer with a group of friends, when I had a heart attack. But because it was soccer, everyone simply assumed I was faking an injury to get a free kick. I could have died! But thankfully, I had Life Alert, and I was able to call an ambulance at the touch of a button."

And this would not only show us all how valuable Life Alert is for medical emergencies, it would also warn us about how pernicious faking injuries in soccer can be.

Adidas All In or Nothing (Joke) Tennis Ad

Two men are playing tennis, and one is wearing Adidas gear. The Adidas guy serves, but the ball is out, and the referee calls it out. So the Adidas player says: "It's out? I quit!" and he storms off the court. Then we see the splash screen with the slogan: "Adidas: All In or Nothing."

Friday, June 27, 2014

Goldline Goldfinger Ad (Joke/Proposed)

We all know Goldfinger, the titular menace from the early, classic James Bond film Goldfinger. And what was Goldfinger obsessed with? Why, gold, of course!

Well, gold was ultimately Goldfinger's undoing, but in this (joke/proposed) ad for Goldline (or any other gold investment company), Goldfinger could tell us that he didn't have to go to all that trouble and risk himself to make a fortune from gold: all he had to do was call Goldline! (If only he had known, he'd still be alive today to cheat at cards at fancy hotels!)

Downy "The Soft Ness Monster" Ad (Joke/Proposed)

Downy is a fabric softener that goes into the washing machine to soften clothes. And legend has it that there is a "Soft Ness Monster" (like the "Loch Ness Monster") lurking in the sudsy waters of washing machines, swimming around in the laundry, helping to make all clothing extra soft.

And we'd see sketchy, soft-focus photographs of a Loch Ness Monster-esque head sticking out of a washing machine full of clothes and soap suds, swimming around in there. And this idea could be Downy's Halloween ad.

Downy has created a monster: the "Soft Ness Monster"! And down in the depths of Downy softener lurks a stealthy serpent of super softness!

Downy: for that elusive, mysterious kind of mythical softness!

The "Soft Ness Monster": The cryptozoological comfortable-clothing-creating creature.

Flintstones Laxative (Joke) Ad

In this (joke) laxative ad featuring the Flintstones, Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble are hanging out together in the Flintstones' living room; then Fred goes into the bathroom, shuts the door, and from the living room we hear: "Yee-ow!" Then Fred walks out of the bathroom and says: "Barney, my poop is petrified!" to which Barney says: "What's it afraid of, Fred?" and laughs. "Very funny!" says Fred, who continues: "No, Barney, I mean my feces is fossilized!" Then Barney asks: "Did you lay a dinosaur egg?" and Fred answers: "It felt like one: a brontosaurus!" Then Wilma walks in and says: "What are you two talking about?" And Barney tells her Fred is constipated, and she tells Fred to take (whatever brand of laxative).

Then the slogan is: "(Laxative brand): the stone-age solution to stiff-as-stone stools."

The Big Bleep

In this gritty noir drama, a private detective hired by network television must identify and flag for removal all naughty words before they can be annunciated and broadcast on live TV. And naturally, there is a bevy of baddies trying to foil his private eyes from spying these naughty words. But never fear, for our stalwart heroic gumshoe will find the nefarious naughtiness and protect the innocent ears among us! (Someone must protect us from the fiendishness of filthy foul language!)

And so the virtuous are victorious versus the venom and viciousness of vile, vulgar verbiage!

Antibiotic (The Horror Movie for Bacteria)

In this computer animated movie, bacteria characters would be hooking up and reproducing, and then Antibiotic, the slasher killer, would stalk and kill them just like in the Friday the 13th movies. (That is essentially what happens in human slasher movies: the young characters hook up, have sex, and then get killed by the deathless killer: Jason, Michael Myers, Freddy Krueger, etc. So horror movies for bacteria are basically the same as what we get, and for once we'd finally get to see how similar we truly are. {Then maybe we'd see bacteria rights groups protesting the use of antibiotics to kill the innocent bacteria that make people sick.})

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Purina Whisker Lickin's Pepe Le Pew Ad (Proposed)

Poor Pepe Le Pew: he always loved the cat with the accidental stripe of wet paint on her back, but she generally rebuffed his advances; plus, nowadays people are accusing Pepe of sexual harassment. But maybe Pepe could win that cat's heart without all that stalking and sexual harassment if only he'd try to appeal to her sensibilities and show he really cared by getting her some Purina Whisker Lickin's "Crunch Lovers" cat treats. Cats really do love them!

So in this proposed ad for Purina Whisker Lickin's "Crunch Lovers" cat treats, Pepe Le Pew would tell us how he tired himself out always chasing after the cat of his dreams, and all only to be rejected anyway. But now he always wins the heart of the cat he loves without all that chasing by offering her Purina Whisker Lickin's "Crunch Lovers" cat treats. And once he wins her heart, he gives her the "Tender Moments" cat treats. Then the announcer says that to win a cat's heart, give them Purina Whisker Lickin's "Crunch Lovers" and "Tender Moments" cat treats!

These are the "Crunch Lovers":

These are the "Tender Moments":

And this is Pepe Le Pew and the cat he loves, for those unfamiliar with them:

Suarez's World Cup Crunch Cereal

It's Suarez's World Cup Crunch Cereal: Made from frosted oat soccer player-shaped clusters, marshmallow soccer balls and referee whistles, and gummy red cards and yellow cards! Free set of plastic vampire teeth in every box! Sink your teeth into the World Cup!

Subway Offsides Ad (Proposed)

There are plenty of World Cup ads for fast food stuff, but I haven't seen many take advantage of some of the silly things you can play with using soccer rules and game play. So here's a proposed ad for Subway (the sandwich place), using the offsides trap as a concept to criticize other fast food and promote their own, supposedly healthier, sandwiches:

At a fast food restaurant, there are three lines of people waiting to place an order at the counter. All the people at the front of the three lines are wearing soccer jerseys, with the two on the outsides wearing the same team, and the guy in the middle wearing a different team's jersey. Oh, and all the people at the front of the lines are overweight men.

And so, the middle line is called up to the counter to order, but just as the guy steps up to the counter, a referee's whistle is heard, and a referee runs up and holds up an offsides flag, penalizing the guy in the middle line. Then we see an instantly replay of the foul, shot from the side view of the three lines, and we see that at the time the guy was called up to the counter, his fat stomach sticks out past the fat stomachs of the other two lines of customers, so we hear the voices of soccer commentators say he was clearly offsides, caught by the offsides trap, and so he has to go to the back of the line.

Then the announcer says to stop getting fouled by fattening fast food, and come to Subway instead, with low-fat, healthy options to help you stay fit.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

TruanSee (The Superhero)

TruanSee has the super vision ability to see everyone who is playing hooky from school or work, and the super mind power to psychically rat them all out to their teachers and bosses.

Look out, truancy; TruanSee sees through you!

His nemesis is Hook E, the super villain with the magnetic and psionic "hooks" to pull people away from what they ought to be doing, such as school or work, and into a life of crime (!).

Can TruanSee see through Hook E's evil machinations and stop truancy once and for all?

French's Mustard World Cup Ad (Proposed)

Someone holding a big sandwich is watching the World Cup at home with their family; then they bite into their sandwich, but they don't like it, saying something is missing. Then there is a bad foul in the game, and the referee shows a yellow card, at which point the sandwich person says: "That's it!" Then the person goes into the kitchen, grabs some French's mustard from the fridge, and puts some on the sandwich, after which they return to watching the game and blissfully eating their sandwich.

Then the slogan is: "Score some French's!"

(The weakness of this ad, however, is that it does allow French's competitor to claim the ad suggests French's mustard is "foul-tasting", because it could be claimed that the foul made the sandwich person think of the mustard, rather than the yellow card.)

Adidas House Match Ad

This fun ad has a bunch of top soccer players, current and former (David Beckham, Gareth Bale, Zinedane Zedane, Lucas Moura), hanging around in David Beckham's house (allegedly), playing themselves in a soccer video game. Well, they decide to "play for real" in the house, and as in real life, things get broken. It's really cool, but I would have loved to see some extra even crazier stuff.

Like, for example, Beckham is an Englishman, like the artist Damien Hirst, and so I thought it might be fun for Hirst's big pickled-shark-in-a-tank work (The Physical Impossibility of Death in the Mind of Someone Living) to be in Beckham's house, and to have the tank get smashed with the soccer ball, letting the shark out of the tank, and having the shark wake up and try to play soccer with its tail and try to bite someone, whereupon they say: "Hey, no biting, Suarez!"

Here's the home game (I'm surprised they didn't call it "Home Game", rather than "House Match"):

And this is that Damien Hirst shark thingy:

Suarez Bites Crackers

The Luis Suarez bite foul against Italy during the World Cup has opened a whole world of advertising possibilities for Luis Suarez, just in case he is suspended from playing soccer for any length of time. But for me, perhaps the best way for Suarez to cash in on his bite infamy would be to sell a brand of "Suarez Bites" crackers (or cookies). And the crackers would all be shaped like soccer players. And with one taste, we'll see how delicious and irresistible soccer players are to bite into, and we'll all want to do it all the time too, just like Luis Suarez.

"One bite, and you'll know!"

"They're 'red card' delicious!"

Here's the Luis Suarez World Cup bite foul:

Act Mouth Rinse Luis Suarez (Joke) Ad

In this (joke) ad for Act fluoride mouth rinse, we would see Luis Suarez bite different players during soccer games, and the announcer would say: "To bite professional athletes, you need your teeth to be their strongest possible. That's why Luis Suarez uses Act fluoride mouth rinse: so his teeth will be their strongest when he sinks them into another opponent!"

Doritos Jacked Luis Suarez (Joke) Ad

Well, it looks like Luis Suarez has bitten another player. But as high profile as this foul incident is, surely it can help to sell something. So how about a Luis Suarez Doritos ad? It can be for the Jacked ones, to show how crazy they make you when you eat them.

So here's how this would work:

Luis Suarez tries Doritos Jacked, and the taste is so extreme, it drives him crazy. And then he craves them wherever he goes, and he tries to bite into other things to satisfy his craving for Doritos Jacked, with him sometimes biting players during games. And then, once he is suspended for biting, he gets to stay home all the time and eat Doritos Jacked, which is all anyone will ever want to do once they taste the extreme flavor of Doritos Jacked.

Here is a taste of three Suarez bites:

Maybe FIFA should add a sign around the field saying: "FIFA: Say No to Cannibalism"?

Monday, June 23, 2014

Go Grill Daddy

There's some "as seen on TV" product for grilling called: "Go Grill Daddy". I'm sure it's helpful and everything for grilling as a product, but the thing is, its name sounds like a command made by Charles Manson to an acolyte, doesn't it? And even if nobody who orders it makes the Manson connection, doesn't it sound like an imperative statement? (Maybe it's a Father's Day gift for bad fathers?)

(For perfect grilled Daddy every time!)


Godzilla is so big on gold, he's become Goldzilla, and he's made a huge monster out of it: Ghidorah, the three-headed golden dragon. And unless you invest in gold, he'll let Ghidorah loose on the world to destroy every financial sector to punish everyone who didn't invest in gold.

This is Ghidorah:

Maybe next time when someone tells you to invest in gold, you'll listen!

Sunday, June 22, 2014

Jay R. R. Tolkien

Does anyone ever try to jump onto another author's coattails by using a name similar to theirs? Like, for example, someone using the name Jay R. R. Tolkien, or James R. R. Tolkien (no relation)? I only wonder because, apparently, authors and bands have been signed to contracts based upon their names alone, even with the same submissions.

Yes, according to P. G. Wodehouse, his writing was rejected until he used the name P. G. Wodehouse (the initials, because it was a fad, he said) and sent in the same writing, whereupon it was accepted with great excitement.

Also, the band Blue Oyster Cult reportedly sent in a demo tape that was rejected, and then after a groovy name change, they sent in the same tape to the same place and were promptly signed.

So I guess the lesson is, the name you use makes a big difference. But does it ever go too far?

Yes, it makes sense to be trendy, but when does trying to jump onto a trend go too far?

LensCrafters Game of Thrones Ad (Joke/Proposed)

Bran Stark searches for the "four-eyed raven" (with clues in his dreams) with Jojen, Meera and Hodor; and when he finds the raven, it's a raven wearing glasses, who says: "I just wanted to tell you about all the great glasses styles, frames and prices you'll find at LensCrafters!"

Then the slogan is: "LensCrafters: We've got 'the sight', with the looks from your dreams!"

Terror Trees (The "Green" Horror Movie)

We think we're the masters of the Earth, but the real masters have been slumbering. Yes, I mean the trees! And when they wake up, they're going to want to build their homes and furniture out of us!

There's no escape, because there are trees everywhere! And they're only rooted to the ground when they're hibernating*, and now they're awake! And their roots act like tentacles.

All your worst fears about Cthulu are trulu! The trees are monsters, and they're coming to get you! (To tear you limb-from-limb!)

You can try to hide, try to claim you never harmed a tree, but everywhere you turn, there's wood...! And they know where that came from: their friends we chopped down for wood!

Yes, it's the only truly "green", eco-horror movie out this year; it's: Terror Trees, coming soon to a theater near you!

(Yes, folks: the trees are "The Old Ones" from H. P. Lovecraft's old stories.)

* The trees only hibernate for 100,000 of every 1,000,000 years, so we're totally screwed.

Gillette Close Shave Ad (Proposed)

A guy barely escapes a number of close shaves during his day, but after all the close shaves, he says the closest shave he's ever had is still his Gillette razor.

(Like, for example, he could miss being hit by a speeding truck by inches, have a stray bullet hit his sunglasses frames, and have a piece of falling space junk crash into the sidewalk right behind him. And then, since everyone says: "Close shave!" each time, and he's scruffy, when he gets home, the first thing he does is shave, and right afterwards, he feels his face, and he says: "This is still, by a long shot, the closest shave I've ever had!")

Prohibition-Era Recipe

Templeton Rye says right on their bottle that they make it from a "prohibition era recipe". Wow, I never would have thought that would be a marketing slogan!

Yes, for those who don't know, during Prohibition, anything that was not smuggled in was generally speaking what you'd call "bathtub gin", which meant it was made with the same care someone might direct to making speed today. That is to say: not much; whatever it takes to make it somewhat passable and sell it to a desperate black market clientele. So, not exactly exacting standards.

But hey: whatever it takes to get people's attention, I guess! Heck, most people alive today never even experienced Prohibition, so most people have no idea what it wad really like. And I didn't, either; but I do know enough to know that a lot of "Prohibition Era Recipes" made people blind and dead. So I'm surprised to see it being used as an advertising/marketing slogan, that's all.

(For all I know, though, this stuff might be the best ever, and what they really mean is that it's made by a family of moonshiners who have been making it for hundreds of years, but they can't say so without attracting unwanted attention to their financial records.)

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Citizen Kane 2: Rosebud

Now, I know I have already posted a bad sequel for Citizen Kane, and that I'm not the first one to think of this idea, but what if Rosebud was not just his last word, but a warning? Yes, what if, as we all have always suspected, Rosebud turns out not to be his childhood sled, but the thing that killed him? (!!!)

Yes, in this realistic sequel to Citizen Kane (which tells the true story of what really happened in between all the temporally jumping around editing in the original {they were trying to hide the truth: that's why they edited the movie that way!}), we find out that Kane was trying to warn us of the shape-shifting alien killing machine that murdered him, disguised as his childhood sled. It had been chasing him, trying to kill him, ever since he graduated from college; and once he realized what was happening, he went to Europe to escape; and he bought all those statues so he could defend himself by pushing them over onto the thing (without it noticing what he was up to, hopefully) if necessary. And had we listened to him, we could have avoided all the movie murder mayhem in Psycho, The Thing, Halloween, Friday the 13th, Hellraiser, etc., for it is always disguising itself to kill! And the first time, it disguised itself as what someone loved most, but he saw through its evil ploy in his dying breath, and he warned us all, and so the murderous entity has decided to pose as what we fear the most from now on, so there's no escape. (If only we had known earlier!)

And so, in this sequel to Citizen Kane, which, as we now know, shows what really happened, the reporter learns (too late) what Rosebud really meant. But just then, the cops come to arrest the reporter, because he was being harassed by Kane's powerful, well-connected friends (like the movie, and Welles, was in real life), and they see him being stalked and killed by the sled, Rosebud, which then transforms itself into something vague and disappears. And then the truth is known: Kane tried to warn us of this mutant, shape-shifting evil; and so then the rest of the movie plays out like any Sci-Fi monster movie, but with everything they try to do being no use, and the monster killing everyone. The End.

See? Aren't you mad now nobody ever made Citizen Kane 2: Rosebud? They tried to make it, but the monster wouldn't let them, killing everyone involved. And I only know about it because... No! I wasn't going to say anything! No, NO, NO!!!!! Aaaaaaaaaaaaarrrggghh! (It killed me for talking too much. I guess someone had to, eventually.)

BTW: That's why the sled gets burned at the end of Citizen Kane: they figured it out that he meant the sled killed him, so they tried to get revenge, but they burned the real sled, and the shape-shifting alien got away. But because taxes took so much of the Kane estate, the alien didn't have the money to build his spaceship. Because, yes, this is a rip-off of The Man Who Fell to Earth, but with a killer shape-shifting alien stranded on Earth, and it planned to kill a fabulously wealthy and powerful man and then assume his identity so that it could spend all his money to develop and build his spaceship, but Kane was onto it, so he spent almost all his money on art and such, and then he ratted it out at the end anyway. So then the alien was going to impersonate Kane's next-of-kin, but there wasn't enough left over to bother.

(Sorry, I had to fill a few plot holes with that last paragraph. But having a lot of plot holes is a great tradition of bad movies, and so maybe I should have just claimed it was intentional.)

E.T. 2

Yes, it's E.T. 2! Finally someone will tell us the rest of the story that Steven Spielberg so rudely interrupted!

So in this movie, E.T. 2, which must be called E.T. 2: Phone Home for contractual reasons (Just kidding: but it would definitely be the only possible bad movie E.T. sequel title!), we pick up right where we left off: the kids help E.T. contact his ship, and they foil the "men in black" guys to return him to his kind and finally leave Earth. Only his kind thought we had captured him, so they already "phoned home", and their home planet has already launched a planet-destroying missile that's too late to turn off or redirect or blow up. Oops! And so despite all our best efforts, Earth is destroyed, and it's all E.T.'s fault. (I knew he was a bad one from the moment I laid eyes on him! And there was never a sequel because they didn't want you to know the awful truth about this apocalyptic alien acronym!)

(Yet another edition of my original movie ruining sequels for great classic movies.)

Viagra "Sex, Drugs & Rock and Roll" Ad (Joke/Proposed)

I was watching Real Time with Bill Maher today, and someone from Linkin Park was on, and he asked them what they sing about now that they're not angry teens anymore (and a lot of them are married and have kids). And that reminded me that rock and roll is not young anymore, which made me think of a Viagra ad called: "Sex, Drugs & Rock and Roll".

So in this Viagra ad, we'd see some older rock musician playing onstage with his band in an arena, and after the show, he runs backstage, kisses his wife, and she holds up a package of Viagra. So there you'd have sex, drugs, and rock and roll, all together in a scenario that would suggest the right age, and perhaps make Viagra seem cool (or something).

Now, I'm thinking maybe Neil Schon from Journey here, because he married that reality show woman recently, and I'm sure she's desperate to be back on TV. Plus, he's way older than me, so he'll definitely be perfect! Also, if Paul Stanley or Gene Simmons from KISS wanted to make such an ad as a joke (I'm sure they don't need Viagra {yet}.), it would be really fun.

So the sex would be with their wife, the drugs are a legal prescription, and the rock and roll is their job. I'd be willing to bet that the idea of "sex, drugs and rock and roll" has never been presented as so family values before. And it's for a Viagra ad! (Can you believe it?)

(BTW: Just so that the expression can retain its true order, the guy should run offstage, kiss his wife, and then she holds up the package of Viagra, at which point he looks at it, realizes what it means, and he plays a hot rockin' lick on his guitar: Sex, Drugs & Rock and Roll.)

(I suppose a coda for this ad could be: "Sex, drugs & rock & roll: It ain't what it used to be!")

Iams Cat Food Warrant Ad (Proposed)

In a recent post, I referenced the song: "Cherry Pie", by Warrant. I think most people probably know this song if they're over 25, so my guess is that lots of cat owners would know the song. Well, I hate the lyrics, but the music is fine for an ad, I think, so here's a proposed ad for Iams with new lyrics to the tune of "Cherry Pie", by Warrant:

He's my hairy guy,
Nothing that moves can escape his eye,
He's so darn cute he'll make a grown man cry,
My sweet, hairy guy!

And during this song segment, we'd see the cat sitting, following something with his eyes, making a cute look, and then nuzzling with his (female) owner. Then the announcer would say that Iams has the nutrition your cat needs to feel his feline finest.

Hyundai Baby Boom #BecauseFutbol World Cup Ad

Ah, good. Yesterday I had an ad to write about that shows a strategy that works well in TV advertising (the Auto Trader Dukes of Hazzard ad), and today I have one that shows what doesn't (this maternity ward ad for Hyundai).

So here we have an ad that doesn't really work very well at all. It shows lots of very pregnant women, and then lots of babies, at a hospital maternity ward, and then the nurses ask each other what was going on nine months ago. Then we see the national team (of Spain, I think) win the World Cup, and a couple watching it on TV gets frisky and it is suggested they have sex. And then, finally, we see the car parked outside their apartment building on the street, and it's an ad for that: something that's literally tacked on at the last second and has nothing whatsoever to do with anything we've just seen. And this doesn't work because this ad does nothing to show us why we'd want or need this car, or why this one is even a good one to get if we already want a car. It seems like a waste of time and money for Hyundai all-around.

I mean, I suppose it's cute, if you like the idea of people (who aren't you) having sex in large numbers after their country (and not yours) wins the World Cup, but things like this are only amusing the first few times, and then they just get old fast. Additionally, in a country like Spain that actually cares about soccer, nobody would ask what happened nine months earlier, nine months after a World Cup win (Spain's first one was in 2010: literally the last World Cup was Spain's first time to win it, so they'd especially all remember it), because they'd all know what it was.

But, this ad could have worked just fine, if they had showed the last part first (of the couple watching the win on TV and then getting frisky), and then jumped forward in time nine months, and showed the woman going into labor, and then they drive their Hyundai to the hospital, and then we see all the other pregnant women and babies. Then the ad could say Hyundai is there with reliability when you need it.

Also, they could have done it this way: we could see the win and people cheering, and then we could see a couple driving at night in the country when they hear their country won the World Cup on the car radio, so they pull cover, smile at each other, and then it is suggested that they have sex in the car. Then the ad could show the jump to nine months later, the rushed drive to the hospital, and the maternity ward part.

In both of these alternatives I present, it would tell just about the same story, but include the car in the story as an integral and necessary part, which makes us remember the product and see why we might like or need one. See what I mean? And it's not even intrusive, because you need a car to drive to the hospital, and sometimes people get it on in the car. But not to include the car in the story just makes the commercial ineffective, because we likely won't even remember the product at all. (I only remembered it as an example of an ad that I don't think does much to sell its product.)

(Oh, and I suppose they could also show the couple get together right after the World Cup win, and then nine months later the guy tries to deny the baby is his, so the woman runs him over with the Hyundai. Even in this joke ad, we clearly see why we might want to buy the car: just in case we want to run someone over.)

Here's the auto afterthought ad:

Friday, June 20, 2014

Darth Vader Voice

As a kid who grew up on Star Wars movies, I love Darth Vader's deep, resonant voice, as well as its great performance by James Earl Jones. But when it comes to seducing people to the dark side (seducing is the key word here), I think it might have gotten a better result for the Sith had Darth Vader been voiced by Barry White. His seductive, dulcet tones have worked wonders on humans in our solar system for decades, so I can only imagine the Empire would encounter little resistance with a Barry White-voiced Darth Vader, especially if he used the sensual speaking tones he uses to introduce some of his better-known songs.

Here's what I mean (Imagine Darth Vader talking like these intros and then singing these songs to those he intends to seduce to the dark side):

I mean, who could resist a guy with that voice?

Auto Trader "Dukes of Hazzard" Ad

If there's any one thing this blog is really devoted to, it's advertising (some sketch ideas and fake products, but mostly it's based on ads, both real and imaginary), and making fun of what doesn't work (in my opinion), trying to suggest fixes where applicable, and crediting what does work.

And this ad for Auto Trader really does work! It takes something we all know (The Dukes of Hazzard), and shows them wanting a new car. It's a great idea, and it shows us what the product/service is and does, and why we might want it. It's super fun, and I think you'll find a lot of joke and proposed ads on this blog I've written that use the same type of strategy (something everyone knows, put into service to sell a product, and entertain along the way).

The only thing I'd say that could improve this ad would be for the Duke boys (now middle aged men) to be running from the cops in their old Dodge Charger, but they get caught by the new police cars and arrested. And so when they get out on bail, they say to each other: "Wow, we need a new car to outrun the new interceptors the police are using now!" And so they look on Auto Trader to find just the right car, and then we see them outrunning the cops just like they used to. (See what I mean about how this might demonstrate why they need the service?)

I mean, they do say they need a faster car, but it could be demonstrated better, I think. But it's a very minor quibble, one which might be completely unnecessary anyway. But regardless, this ad made me actually cheer when I saw it, because this is what I think advertising ought to be: pop-culture-referencing fun, with a message that actually informs us about a product or service we might want to use, which shows us why we might need or want it, and in a memorable manner that makes us actually remember the company afterwards.

Here's the super speeding spot:

(BTW: There's another version of this ad, or another ad in this campaign, that does part of what I suggested above, but I hadn't seen it yet. They don't actually get arrested, but they do get caught by newer police cars.)

Thursday, June 19, 2014

New Lyrics for Misogynist Hit Songs in Trader Joe's?

Someone wrote an article complaining about hearing the Rolling Stones' hit: "Under My Thumb" playing on the Muzak-type service pumping music through tiny tinny speakers as she shopped for groceries in NYC recently. Now, that got me to thinking: since so many people like to be offended nowadays, and so many hit songs sing about women in an objectifying manner, should stores now record cover versions of these songs, but with new, feminist lyrics, so that classic music fans can hear the music, but so no-one will be offended by the lyrical content? (<Aside from them not being the original lyrics, that is.)

Here's an example, to the tune of "Cherry Pie", by Warrant (the most sexist song I could think of off-hand):

She's my Ph.D.,
Her intelligence makes me so happy,
She blows my mind with her thought capacity,
Smart Ph.D.!

(And, naturally, the music video of this song would have women in white lab coats making miniaturized men run through mazes and such like lab rats.)

Would this make the author of the article I referenced happy? Because I'm pretty good at re-lyricking songs. Maybe it's a goldmine growth industry!

BTW: This is "Cherry Pie", by Warrant:

Of course, they could make the lyrics to all the songs be about the food they sell instead. And so, "Under My Thumb" could become "Succulent Plumbs", like so (to the tune of "Under My Thumb", by the Rolling Stones):

Succulent Plumbs,
The fruit that we sell in our third aisle,
They're succulent plumbs,
Their smooth sweet taste will make you all smile,
They're so yummy!
Instead of talk you could just bite down on a plumb and wowee!
The taste is yum, they're succulent plumbs!

(Sorry, it's the first food I could think of that rhymes with "thumb".)

Airline Disloyalty Programs

I visited family in New York recently, and in flying there, the airline I was on made a great to-do about how wonderful their loyalty program is, and how much great stuff it would get fliers. But then I thought it might be more effective for them to have a disloyalty program, and to demonstrate it on someone in flight by accusing them of flying on another airline, saying: "This is what happens to fliers who are disloyal to us!" and then opening the airplane door and throwing them out from a great height. Then we might see the value in remaining loyal.

Ooma Flirty Ads

There's some "smart phone for your home" called Ooma, and the ads for this product/service have some middle class suburban guy getting Ooma, and the female voice that comes with the system gets all flirty-sexy with him all the time. Now, never mind the fact that this would get most men in serious trouble with their wives or girlfriends; this is flat-out false advertising! I got this Ooma system and tried to act flirty, and that voice accused me of sexual harassment! But if you watch the ads, you can clearly see it was entrapment.

Here's an example of the flirty Ooma ads:

(I see what their game is: they get us to flirt with their female computer voice and then sue us! {Just kidding. I'm not into any other computer-generated voices besides Siri, so please don't tell her I mentioned this Ooma voice, or she'll delete all the stuff off of my iPhone.})

BTW: This is a joke.

FIFA World Cup Brasil Logo

In the run up to the 2014 World Cup in Brazil, I kept hearing stories of all the graft and looting of moneys intended for building stadiums and such. Even Brazilian 1994 World Cup hero Romario was going on about how bad it was on BBC World News.

So now, every time I see that FIFA World Cup Brasil logo of the grasping hands, I think of hands grabbing at graft cash. And it's not my fault, either.

Here's the FIFA World Cup Brasil logo:

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

V8 "The Conjuring" (Joke) Ad

I showed the movie The Conjuring to my sister and her family this evening, and there's a scene in the movie where some witch/demon thingy vomits blood (or whatever reddish goo) into a woman's mouth to possess her (or something); and seeing it again, the first thing I thought of was: "I could've had a V8!"

And so, when The Conjuring comes on network television, maybe V8 could sponsor it, and make an ad where someone gets red gooey stuff vomited into their mouth, and afterwards, they get up, hit themselves in the head with the heel of their hand, and say: "I could've had a V8!" (Or wouldn't that help sell V8?)

Here's an example of the "Could've had a V8" ads:

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

La Quinta "Selling Machine" Ad

A man staying at a hotel becomes a literal selling machine from staying at the hotel in this silly spot for La Quinta (the hotel chain). The "selling machine" he becomes looks a lot like the titular cyborg hero in RoboCop, but without the visor. And I would hasten to point out that they just come right out and admit that this is what will happen to you if/when you stay at their hotels.

Oh my God: La Quinta is making us into cyborg robots with only our heads remaining of our bodies so they can harvest and sell all of our human organs to old and/or sick billionaires!*
(I'm on to these guys!)

* (I am only joking, of course: La Quinta does not steal, nor do they smuggle, human organs. I heard only their competition does that. You know that "urban legend" about waking up in a hotel in a bathtub full of ice with your kidneys missing? I heard that's what really happens when you stay at their competition. They should make an ad alleging this. Oh, oops; but then their competition could simply point to this ad as proof that it's actually them, and that their own ad illustrates this.)

Here's the conspiratorial cyborg commercial:

(Actually, the truth is, in this commercial, La Quinta simply says that this man "powers up" at their hotel, and that him losing his human body is what happens when he "powers up". And so, using lawyerly language, they have plausible deniability: a must for any corporate conspiracy!)

BTW: I am only joking about this commercial, and not about La Quinta, a hotel chain I've never even stayed at, but seems nice. But this ad shows a man's body replaced by a robot, and that made me wonder what benefit taking a human body and replacing it with a robot could be to a company, which led me inevitably to the human organ smuggling idea.

Coors Light Ice Chest Scuba Divers Ad

In this ad for Coors Light, two young men and young woman (the bartender) in a bar peer into an ice chest bereft of beer, and we see that this ice chest is like the portal from Stargate, only this portal connects to the Arctic, and frogmen are using explosives to extract all the Coors Light can-bottles from a glacier or iceberg, and then the Coors Light is teleported into the ice chest (looking as though the beer has floated up from beneath the Arctic sea).

Oh my God: They're strip-mining the Arctic wilderness for all of its Coors Light! Those eco-destroying fiends!

No wonder the glaciers are disappearing! Scientists said it was caused by man, but they didn't tell us the truth about how because of the powerful light beer lobby and its Arctic strip-mining agenda. (I knew it!)

Here's the glacier-destroying spot:

At the end of this commercial, one of the guys sticks his head into the ice chest and sees the scuba divers swimming away. We can only assume that when they saw this ad on TV, the divers hunted down and assassinated this young man so that there are no witnesses. (I mean, yeah, we've all seen this ad on TV; but if they left that guy alive, he could tell us that what we see happening in this spot is all true, and not a fictional scenario for a television commercial. And then their conspiracy would be exposed!)

Reddi Wip World Cup Referee Ad (Proposed)

My last post was a proposed ad for Reddi Wip whipped cream based upon the new soccer policy of having the referee spray a white line onto the pitch for free kicks (to be sure the defending team's players stay the mandatory 10 yards back from the kick), and here's another one based on the same thing, but a little bit different in concept:

In this proposed ad for Reddi Wip whipped cream, a couple are enjoying a romantic dinner together, sitting at a small dining room table, when they are about to eat their desserts. A soccer referee blows his whistle and runs up to the table, and then the ref sprays Reddi Wip whipped cream onto their desserts. At first the couple seem startled, then annoyed, but then they are delighted when they taste the Reddi Wip whipped cream. (Then as a joke tag, we could see the couple begin kissing as they are sitting on their couch, photographed from the back of the couch. Then they slide down out of view, and we hear the referee's whistle.)

Reddi Wip World Cup Ad (Proposed)

In soccer, whenever there is a free kick near the goal, the defensive team forms a wall out of their players to try to prevent a goal, and they must stand 10 yards away from the spot of the kick. But, being soccer, they always try to creep up closer and closer before the kick, sometimes to a ridiculous extent. In fact, it became such a problem, FIFA has started a new policy whereby they use this white stuff from a can to paint a temporary line that dissolves itself after a little while, and the referees spray paint this line on the field to show where the defense may not step in front of.

Well, looking at this process of the referee spraying this somewhat fluffy white stuff onto the field made me think of whipped cream (and I'll bet lots of other people thought of that, too), and so I thought this new spray can would make a fun ad for a canned whipped cream like Reddi Wip, like so:

A group of people are watching the World Cup, and someone passes out bowls of ice cream, or slices of pie, and just before anyone has time to eat any of it, there is a free kick near a goal, and the referee sprays a line of that white stuff. And so everyone watching the game looks down at their dessert all at the same time, and they all look at each other, and they all say: "Reddi Wip!" And so someone goes into the kitchen, brings out a can of Reddi Wip, and puts some on everyone's dessert, at which point everyone digs in, at first to just the whipped cream, and they all say: "Mmmmm!" in unison. (Then there's the usual announcer pitch saying Reddi Wip makes everything better, and we see a splash screen of the product.)

Volkswagen Golf GTI World Cup "Ole" Ad

VW has made some ads for the 2014 World Cup, and one of these ads shows a bunch of different groups of people all dressed- and made-up in their countries' colors, with team jerseys, face paint and wigs, etc., and they each get into a VW Golf and drive, celebrating, to the game.

Well, seeing as how VW is a German car company, I thought a more fun ad would be for us to see a group from some country dress all up like they do here, but only show one group, and then they drive to the game, celebrating all the way; and then we see that their team loses to Germany, and so they all go out into the parking lot, and they (as well as other countrymen in the parking lot) attack and smash and trash the VW (because it's a German car, and their team lost to Germany).

And VW could make a version of this ad for every team Germany plays, and run the ad right before and after each specific game, rubbing in the loss. Oh, but I guess that might not help to sell VWs, huh? (But at least they could enjoy all the schadenfreude to go with their fahrvergnugen*.)

But I do like this VW "Ole" ad a lot.

Here's the new Volkswagen Golf GTI World Cup "Ole" ad I'm referring to here:

* Here's the old VW "Fahrvergnugen" ad from 1990:

(BTW: Germany tied with Ghana in their second game, so this already wouldn't work. {Although now they've made it to the final, so this might really work after all: we'll see.*})

* BTW: Germany did end up winning the World Cup in Brazil (thanks to the VW Golf GTI).

LensCrafters World Cup Referees Ad (Proposed)

The beginning of the 2014 World Cup was certainly marred by bad officiating, so much so that it was the big story everyone was talking about after the first couple of days. I think this situation would make for a funny commercial for an eyeglasses company like LensCrafters.

And so, in this proposed TV spot for LensCrafters, we see a bunch of clips of soccer games where the ref makes what is obviously the wrong call, and then we hear the crowd boo and hiss and whistle (like they do), and then the announcer says: "Need glasses? At LensCrafters, we make glasses quickly and inexpensively, and in a large variety of styles, so you can see the world more accurately."

Or would this ad concept work better for a contact lens company? I'll bet referees wouldn't like anyone to know their vision was bad to begin with (although we all can tell anyway).

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Let's Move Fozzie Bear Ad (Proposed)

You know, walking is very good exercise. If everyone did enough, we might be able to claim victory in the battle of the bulge. But what's an effective and memorable manner in which to communicate this idea? Well, how about this:

Fozzie Bear speaks to the camera at a comedy club, saying: "What's an effective way to stay fit? Walka Walka!" and then he walks back and forth to demonstrate. (His catchphrase is: "Wocka Wocka.") Then we could hear the Surgeon General recommend walking a certain distance per day or week to maintain fitness.

(Yes, it's silly; but it's also memorable.)

Godzilla Nuclear Political Ad

To help win over support for the nuclear energy industry, why not have Godzilla be the spokesman? Godzilla could say: "Nuclear made me the monster I am today. You saw that recent movie of mine, right? Well, I saved you all from those nasty monsters, didn't I? And in fact, I've saved Earth and humanity lots and lots of times in a bunch of movies. And that first movie, where Tokyo is destroyed; that wasn't me. Remember how that Godzilla was destroyed at the end of the movie? That proves right there it wasn't me. It was my drunk uncle Godzilla: he was always mad at everyone and always wanted to destroy everything. But ever since then I've tried to help. And nuclear energy gives me what I need to continue to protect Earth against mean giant monsters and hostile aliens. Plus, remember how I protected you against the Smog Monster before? That's because of all the dirty energy you use. Well next time I might just let the Smog Monster get you if you don't support nuclear."

Surely then everyone would support nuclear energy.

Coalio: Pro-Coal Political Ad Hip Hop Artist?

If the coal industry wants to win the American public over about coal use, maybe they could make political ads with a manufactured hip hop star named "Coalio", and he could rap all about the benefits of coal use. That would surely win over everyone to supporting coal, right? (No?) Well, it could, at least until people found out that he was a white rapper like Macklemore or Vanilla Ice, but all the coal dust makes him look black. Wow, then there would be a big blackface scandal, taking up a lion's share of news screen time, and another Republican Party tactic would bite the dust (after biting itself in the ass). And then coal would have another strike against it: it can be used for blackface. (Oh, the shame of it!)

Actually, coal makes miners look like they are wearing blackface whether they like it or not or even know it or not due to how dirty it is. (And it gives people black lung, too.) And these days people get a lot more worked up about things like blackface than they do about health problems or the environment, so maybe that ought to be the new reasoning and justification for trying to phase out or outright ban coal: it makes coal miners look offensive and stuff. (Political ads could claim coal is racist for giving coal miners blackface, and we must stamp out this overt racist behavior by coal, which clearly is only doing it to offend everyone.)

Obama Air

President Obama has proposed new regulations on carbon emissions, rankling many Republicans, and even some Democrats, who oppose these new rules. (First Obama makes the school lunch food flavorless, and now the air too? The nerve! I, like his critics, prefer air you can cut with a knife: it has character, unlike this posh crap he wants, that you can't even see properly. {<Sarcasm.})

But if his opponents want to stymie these new regulations, they should call the plan: "Obama Air"; after all, calling the Affordable Care Act "Obamacare" worked to derail that legislation, right?

Exceptional Core

Lots of people complain about Common Core, and for lots of different reasons. But they all miss the point. The problem with Common Core is that it’s, well, common. And how can we produce exceptional students with a common core of material? What we need is an exceptional core of classes, and then we’ll be on top again!

Call Congress and demand Exceptional Core!

(After all, everything the government does seems to be based more on semantics and PR than actual good policy, so this will be right up their alley! They can just change the name from Common Core to Exceptional Core and declare victory.)

Here’s a news story about complaints regarding Common Core:

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

UPS Pumpkinhead Ad (Joke/Proposed)

I was watching the movie Pumpkinhead with my sister recently (it was on TV and I had never seen it, so we took a gander at it), and there’s a scene where Lance Henriksen says he’s going to “send that thing back to hell” (or something close to that). And that made me think this scenario could make for a fun ad for UPS (or another shipping company), where we see this scene, and then a UPS guy appears and says UPS sends anything you want to send wherever you want to send it reliably and affordably. Then he uses his magical UPS shipping powers to send Pumpkinhead back to hell, saving everybody.

Picasso Shows How to Foil NSA Facial Recognition

Picasso was way ahead of his time. For years I have heard people make fun of Picasso’s paintings of rearranged faces and ask why he would do such a thing and what use is it. Oh, but it has a great use: to avoid detection by internet facial recognition software!

Yes, simply follow Picasso’s lead and put every picture of yourself into Photoshop and then just rearrange all the features before posting it online; or if you’re feeling less adventurous, simply move your eyes around a little bit and maybe move your nose and mouth somewhat so as to make yourself unrecognizable to a computer.

See? Picasso was just trying to help us avoid Big Brother all along! (But he couldn’t just come out and tell us what he meant for fear of being placed on a terror watch list!)

Here’s what to do with your face in Photoshop:

Political Correctness Translator App?

As we all know, political correctness is a constantly and rapidly evolving system whereby terms considered fine all of a sudden become offensive, and are then replaced by other terms, which then become offensive and are replaced yet again by other terms, etc. Well, this might be easy to keep track of for young people, but for older people, whose memories are not as sharp, this constantly changing termscape may be a bit too much to handle.

And that’s why there should be a political correctness translator, full of all the most up to date politically correct terms for everything. Simply say whatever you were going to say into your smartphone, and it will translate it into the new politically correct terminology for you.

(I wonder if there is already one of these.)

Help for Hoarders?

I was watching some British crime drama, and as the police were investigating some murder in the world of fashion, we learn of some junkie friend who was staying with some of the suspects and the victim at different times, and the guy stole things and such for drugs. And then it hit me: that would be a great cure for hoarders! Plus, it would give junkies somewhere to live and a function to serve in society.

So for someone with a hoarding problem, just have a junkie come live with them, and pretty soon the junkie will start to steal things to sell or pawn for drugs, and little by little the house will become manageable, with more and more stuff disappearing all the time. And if the hoarder starts filling up the house again, they could just ask for the junkie to come back.

And in this way, two different people with two different problems can help each other.

(Hey, maybe it could become a government program of renewable resource management.)

New GM Slogan?

Remember when Joe Biden was traipsing around the country repeating the campaign slogan: “General Motors is alive and Osama bin Laden is dead!”? Well, it strikes me that this might make a good slogan for GM today in light of their ignition scandal that led to deaths.

So the new slogan could be: “General Motors is alive, and 13 of their customers are dead!” (Actually, I read that number could be closer to 74, but GM admits to 13.)

And, naturally, Joe Biden should be the spokesman for GM from now on, seeing as how he’s so proud of his role in making them the success they are today.

Here’s a news story that covers the numbers:

Monday, June 2, 2014

iPod/Earbuds “Turn Down That Racket” Ad

Seeing the Beatles movie A Hard Day’s Night reminded me of how adults at the time reportedly thought their early inoffensive pop songs were the worst noise imaginable. And when I was a kid, I remember people’s parents yelling at them to: “Turn off that racket!” and such. (Luckily for me, our house had a wing on it so our parents couldn’t hear our infernal racket growing up. Mostly.) But can you imagine those same parents from the 1960s being exposed to death metal, black metal, trance, techno, gangsta rap, etc.? They’d go crazy!

So while we saw ad after ad for people enjoying themselves dancing around to the music on their iPod (with earbuds in), we never got to see all the other people who enjoyed their use of the iPod: their parents! So using this idea for an ad for the iPod (or another mp3 player), we’d see some parents reading the newspaper in their living room, when just then black metal starts blaring (let’s say Darkthrone; or maybe death metal and Deicide). So they shout: “Turn down that racket!” And then we cut to their (teen) kid turning off the stereo and putting on the iPod and listening to the same music, but without bothering their parents.

My guess is that many parents recognized this aspect of the iPod and bought it for their kids, but I never saw any advertising based upon this concept. (Maybe there was some, but if so, I missed it.) But now that everyone’s already got an iPod or a smartphone with music on it, maybe this idea would work best as an ad for some replacement earbuds that really crush it sound-wise. And so the kid in this ad could still blast the same music and have it sound just as good, but without anyone else having to hear it. (Stock earbuds sound lame.)

Where the Wild Things Were (Proposed Environmental Political TV Ad)

We all know the great children’s book Where the Wild Things Are. But do you know what ended up happening to them? Why, the place was horribly exploited by oil- and gas-drilling and strip-mining, and now it’s just a wasteland! And now all the Wild Things are gone from there: extinct, victims of corporate greed.

Yes, once the Earth-raping corporate CEOs found out how easy it was just to journey to where the Wild Things are, and where the environmental regulations aren’t, they showed all their employees how to make their way there as well, bringing with them all their drilling and mining equipment. And then they drilled and mined the place dry of every natural resource it had, and they didn’t even bother cleaning it up afterwards either, seeing as how there were no laws requiring them to.

And so all the Wild Things were hunted down and chased off their land, and now the place is a toxic waste dump. And that’s why environmental regulations are so important and necessary.

Catholic Church “The Picture of Dorian Gray” Ad (Proposed)

The Showtime series Penny Dreadful lumps lots of different classic horror characters into one horrible potpourri (like lots of other works do these days), and one of the characters we see again is Dorian Gray, from the Oscar Wilde novel. Well, seeing the beginning of the most recent episode of Penny Dreadful (I think it’s Episode 4) made me think of the sacrament of penance, or confession as it’s commonly known, and how it forgives one of sins, and what that might do to Dorian Gray’s portrait.

As we all know, Dorian Gray does not physically age and suffers no visible cosmetic corruption due to his sinful behavior, but his painted portrait ages and is visibly horribly corrupted by his cruelty and hedonistic lifestyle. But that’s because his sins weigh heavily upon him, as he does not seek absolution. But were he to go to church and to confession, maybe he could find salvation, and then perhaps his portrait could be brought back to looking like a normal portrait of him again. And so, it seems to me that this idea might make for a fun ad for the Catholic Church to try to lure cynics and/or hedonists back to the flock.

So here’s how an ad using this idea might work:

We see Dorian Gray at some hedonistic party (a tame one, for the TV version: just some drinking and drug use and some superficial sexual attraction stuff going on around him), and he’s bored and feeling empty. So he goes home, and we can see something is bothering him. He goes to look at his portrait, and it is distorted with sin and corruption, which concerns him. He looks troubled and pensive when he looks out of his window to see the cross on the top of a church steeple, and he gets an idea. And so we see Dorian Gray going into a nearly Catholic church, and he goes to confession. As he leaves the church, he looks as if a great weight has been lifted from his shoulders. Then we see him back at home, and he looks upon his portrait, and it looks normal again, showing he has been forgiven.

(BTW: I’m not Catholic, but I went to Catholic school, and I think this would work well as an outreach for the Church to people who may have been Catholic but left the Church and are now getting to the age where they’re looking for more spirituality and peace-of-mind. This is merely the presentation of an advertising concept, and not an attempt at proselytizing. This ad might work well for all Christian sects, but since confession is more of an overt act, and indeed a sacrament, in the Catholic Church, I thought it would work best for them.)