Dr. Scholl’s “Murder, My Feet” Ad (Proposed)

In this joke on the classic film noir detective movie Murder, My Sweet, based upon Raymond Chandler’s Philip Marlowe novel Farewell, My Lovely, a detective in a black & white noir TV spot sits in his office and tells us of his latest case: “I was hired to track a killer. I walked all over town looking for clues, but the only killer I found was the one killing my feet. I got a hot tip to look up a Dr. Scholl, and he set me straight. Now I use his inserts and I stopped the killer; the one that was killing my feet, anyway.”

Beer Icing the Kicker Ad (Proposed)

In an important field goal attempt at the end of a big football game, a kicker goes out to take the kick, but the other side takes a time out, and the announcer says: “They’re icing the kicker!” And the opposing team brings a giant cooler full of beer out onto the field and puts the kicker into it, where he relaxes and has one of the beers.

Joke Non-Alcoholic Beers Slogan

The Sanka of Beers!

Pepto Bismol Pink Elephants Ad (Proposed)

After a night of heavy partying, a guy wakes up with a headache and stomachache. He opens his eyes, holds his stomach, and sees a pair of cartoon pink elephants which say on them: “Pepto” and: “Bismol”. Then the announcer says: “Pink elephants are pink to remind you to take Pepto Bismol.”

Game of Thrones Bolton Peeler

Peels fruit, vegetables and people! The only one you'll ever need for all your peeling!

Walking Dead Gingerbread Men

They eat other gingerbread men.

Death Stars & Darth Vaders

Star Wars D&D

Bunburry Coat

It's like a Burberry coat you wear when Bunburrying, as in Oscar Wilde's The Importance of Being Earnest.

Tesla Stoplight Race Ad (Proposed)

Not that they need ads, but Teslas are very quick cars, and I thought a fun TV spot for a Tesla could show a Tesla driving up beside a muscle car, and the Tesla driver could pull out his smartphone and play a sound effect of a muscle car engine revving to challenge the other driver to a race. (Teslas are silent, so they could not rev their engine; but they’re very fast, so they’d probably beat any muscle car in a stoplight drag race.)

Dr. Scholl’s Odor X Inserts Cat Ad (Proposed)

A cat rapturously rubs its face all over a pair of its owner’s shoes, and we hear a voiceover say: “I love how your shoes smell! Please never use Dr. Scholl’s Odor X Inserts!”

Roger Stone Adds: "I Am Not a Crook" to Nixon Tattoo

Maciste's Muscle Milk

Match the machismo of Maciste with Maciste's Muscle Milk! For massive, mammoth muscles! Man-up-ulate your masculinity with Maciste's Muscle Milk!

Samson's Sandals

TCM has been running their Peplum, or Sword & Sandal movie festival this month, so I was trying to think of a fictitious product that could sponsor it, and I came up with Samson's Sandals:

The announcer says: "Walk in the footsteps of giants with Samson's Sandals!" And we see a smiling Samson holding a sandal in his giant hand, saying: "I'd topple a temple for a pair of Samson's Sandals!"

Super Blood Wolf Moon Lunar Eclipse Encore

This past weekend's Super Blood Wolf Moon caused by the Lunar Eclipse Saturday night was so popular that the moon has agreed to an encore performance this Saturday only for those who missed it and are tired of hearing everyone who saw it say how cool it was, and for everyone who caught it the first time, but want to see it again. Rumors that the moon will make this a weekly event are unfounded, the moon's new management company, Lunar Enterprises, Ltd., said today: "This is definitely, positively the last showing for the next two years, so see it while you can before it's gone!"

Ghost SAG

In a surprise move, ghost actors have unionized, forming the Spiritual Screen Actors Guild, or Ghost SAG, and is planning to sue studios over back residuals for otherworldly performers from ghost-themed shows like Ghost Hunters, Ghost Adventures, Paranormal Survivor, My Haunted House, etc. IATSE applauded this move, saying: “Just because they’re dead, it doesn’t mean they’re going to work for free. They’ve still got to be able to put the ectoplasm on the table somehow.”

Industry insiders claim this unexpected move could bankrupt the whole paranormal TV show industry, leaving no money left the compensate the spirits, but leading spiritual medium Claire Voyant claims the ghosts don’t really want the money, but wish the ghost hunting TV show genre to give up the ghost, as it were, so they’ll stop being bothered all the time by novice paranormal weekend warriors who are constantly invading their haunted houses endlessly nowadays thanks to these TV shows. “Haunting a house was a good way to keep people away in the past, but with the popularity of these shows turning that around into attracting people instead, ghosts are going to stop haunting houses altogether pretty soon,” warned the medium. But will this possibility lead to a new all-out “catch them while you can” ghost hunting mania? Check your local listings for all the latest ghost-hunting action to find out!

New Sports Team Names

Wow, what a ridiculous society we live in nowadays, with mob mentality and everyone hating and bullying each other online with death threats and stuff all the time. It seems like this stuff defines our country more than anything else, so why don’t we start naming our sports teams after it? We could have teams like the Trenton Twitter Trolls, the Sacramento Spree Shootings, the Denver Death Threats, the Houston Hate Speech, the Indianapolis Inappropriate Insults, the Raleigh Racist Rants, the San Antonio Sexist Slurs, the Fresno Fake News, the Phoenix Partisan Propaganda, the Anaheim Apoplectic Apologies, etc. And we could have the stars of the most famous cultural embarrassments of the year appear in person for the halftime shoes of the championship games.

Deliverance Ending Robot Chicken Style

We see the hand reach up through the water and Jon Voight wakes up from this nightmare in a panic, as in the movie. Then he gets up out of bed and goes into the bathroom, closes the door, breathes a sign of relief, and wipes the sweat from his brow. Then he leans down, lifts the lid off of the toilet, and a hand reaches up through the toilet water and grabs him by the throat and chokes him.

Electric Car Gas Pusher Ad (Proposed)

We see a cartoon tiger lure a cartoon car behind a garage to get them hooked on smoking gas like a drug, and we see the car sucking on the gas pump like it’s a hookah, and it’s exhaling lots of smoke out of its tailpipes, and then electric police cars bust them for contraband, and the announcer says: “Don’t let you car get in with the wrong crowd! Help break the gas habit! Always buy clean electric vehicles!”

Electric Car Gas Station Parking Ad (Proposed)

I saw a recent report that some angry California pickup truck drivers are protesting electric cars by intentionally parking in the electric car charging spaces in parking lots and rest stops throughout the state. And that gives me an idea for a TV spot for an electric car, reversing this idea.

So a couple of friends drives their electric car to a club but can’t find parking, so the driver just drives into a gas station and parks the car at the gas pump. The friend asks if it’s okay to do that, and the driver says gas car drivers do it to their charging spaces, so fair’s fair, and anyway, if they drove electric cars, they wouldn’t need the gas anyway, so they should just get an electric car. Then other people driving electric cars get the same idea, and pretty soon the gas station has all electric cars parked in front of all the gas pumps, and gas-guzzling car drivers are all waiting in a line around the gas station waiting, honking their horns at each other, looking like the 1970s gas crisis lines during the Iran hostage crisis. And someone in a car at the end of the line tells their passenger: "We wouldn't have to wait in this line for gas if we had an electric car!"

Chick-fil-A Joke Ads

We see people being attacked by gangs of angry chickens viciously pecking them, and then we see two cows walk into frame wearing sign boards that read: “We tryd 2 warn u 2 eet mor chikin” on one, and: “But u didnt lissin!” on the other.

We see people waiting in line at a burger joint when a bunch of cows stampede through and crush everyone to death. Then two cows walk into frame with sign boards on them reading: “We tryed 2 warn u 2 eet mor chikin” on one, and: “But u didnt lissin!” on the other.

Frosted Cursed Evil Charms Cereal

With marshmallow ceremonial daggers, goblets, magick circles, amulets, talismans, grimoires, and demons, Frosted Cursed Evil Charms Cereal has your recommended daily allowance of evil sendings! They're black-magickally delicious!

Ricola Cough Drops Joke Print Ad Slogan

Coughy Mate

Nike-Alabama "Gotta Be The Shoes" Joke Ad

In the 1980s, Nike ran a series of famous television commercials where movie director Spike Lee would try to figure out, in a Thomas Dolby "She Blinded Me With Science" kind of way, how Michael Jordan is able to perform the physical acts that he does on the basketball court, concluding that it has got to be the shoes, because Michael Jordan is just a regular human being just like everyone else, right? This amazingly fun and wickedly clever ad campaign is one of the key components in Nike becoming the fabulously wealthy and productive company that they've become, and it's especially funny because the ad campaign essentially just comes right out and tells you, in a read-between-the-lines kind of way in one spot, and just spelling it out in another, that of course it's not the shoes, but it's Michael Jordan, obviously, himself, who is responsible for his amazing capabilities through natural, raw talent, drive, and good old-fashioned hard work. But it was fun to think it may have been the shoes, and that sentiment, in addition to an awful lot of (actually deserved for a change) hero-worship, helped Nike climb to the top of the athletic shoe/apparel heap.

But during the BCS Championship of College Football the commentator said that Alabama had missed more points from kicks than any other team in college football, or in their division anyway, and that's something that's been dogging Alabama for a long time. It has even denied them national titles game appearances within the past decade. So I think maybe in an effort to get Alabama to prioritize recruiting good kickers, it might make sense to run a television ad campaign where we have Nick Saban this time in a scientist lab coat saying that it's gotta be the shoes that are making them miss so many points kicks. And we see with every missed kick it dawns on him that there is nothing else wrong, and so it has got to be the shoes that are making the Alabama kicker miss all those kicks. Because you know that Nike has a contract with the NCAA to be the official sportswear and shoes, and so if it's gotta be the shoes that are to blame, then yes, sorry, ironically it is actually the Nike shoes which are responsible for all the lost points, and not Nick Saban's responsibility to recruit the best kickers.

Ready Player One

Wow, what a giant, loud and busy, colorful noise fest this movie is! When it comes on TV, it can be sponsored by some brand of abusable cough syrup. There are so many pop culture references especially to movies and video games that it seemed like the new kind of product placement. After all, media conglomerates are grabbing up more and more slices of the pie of movie, music and video game content, so the more references there are to other movies and songs and video games they own there are, the more likely they will spur viewers to go and buy or stream that stuff after watching this thing, and so on. So instead of characters in a movie drinking a coke, they're listening to some song the movie company owns, or playing some video game they own, or they've got a movie poster, or some action figure from a movie or comic book the company owns, and on and on and on, and $$$ more for the conglomerate. Pretty soon underground movies will have to try to see how many things they can try to leave out of their movies to deny big conglomerates free advertising that generates more revenue for them to go acquire more and bigger pieces of the media content pie. (Mmm, I'll bet that's good pie! Can you have it and eat it too? I think this movie proves that if you own enough stuff, you can cram it all into a self-referential geek fest and essentially have it and eat it and even bake and sell more and more pies and cakes of it too on and on forever until you give everyone Type 2 Diabetes.)