Friday, August 21, 2015

Cialis “See Alice” Ad (Proposed)

This proposed ad would use the phonetic pronunciation of Cialis in a different way, telling viewers to look at a character named Alice, and describe her state of mind at present. And so we see a happy, seemingly satisfied beautiful fiftysomething woman smiling and looking dreamily at her husband, and the announcer says: “See Alice: she’s happy again because her love life has improved dramatically since her husband started taking Cialis. Now she can have the intimacy back in her marriage that was missing before. And your marriage can be happy again too, when you use Cialis for erectile dysfunction.”

I think this might get the message across in a suitably acceptable manner, and without the need for those silly tandem bathtubs (although they would probably insert them into the end of the spot anyway). Oh, to be rid of those ad logo bathtubs!

Ashley Madison Leak

In news articles I have read about the Ashley Madison hack and data dump, the company suggests it was an inside job. I think I agree, but not in the way that they mean it. No, from what I have gleaned about this site from all the news articles I have read about it since the hack, it looks to me as though this site was intentionally set up to punish cheaters, and with that in mind, an inside job would make sense, in the sense that maybe the company secretly dumped all the data themselves. This is not an accusation, but rather, a theory intended as a joke.

But let’s look at the facts: Information, supposedly accurate, about this site reveals that the ratio of men to women was so uneven (five men to every one woman, reportedly), most of the men on the site were simply hoping or fantasizing about an affair that would never happen. Also, reportedly, to make up for the lack of women signed up, the company allegedly had oodles of fake female members for men to communicate with, and it cost money to communicate with anyone, with no guarantee of an affair, so obviously the company was simply bilking cheating male hearts out of money for nothing (not that I feel particularly sorry for these men, though…).

Also, I read there was a feature where a subscriber to this service could pay something like $250 for a guaranteed affair, and they’d get their money back if they didn’t have an affair after 3 months. Now, setting up a website for dating cheaters or swingers and charging a fee to use it is not illegal in itself, as the company simply sets up a vehicle for members to contact others and try to work something out themselves. But charging a specific fee for a guaranteed affair is, I believe, a form of solicitation for prostitution, is it not? It’s demanding payment for sex, and the site is acting like a pimp. Yuck. (<Not that the rest of it isn’t yucky as well…)

Additionally, as reported by the hackers, supposedly Ashley Madison charged users a fee to permanently delete their information, but they never deleted the user data as promised; they merely collected the money and ripped members off. (Some of these users will likely have their members ripped off in an entirely different manner now that their profiles have become public record.) Looks like the company was guilty of cheating more than any of its subscribers.

On top of all of this is the fact that Ashley Madison could have prevented the exposure of all its members’ information had they simply done what the hackers asked: shut the site down, at least temporarily. The company knew they had been hacked and they knew the data would be dumped, yet they did nothing to prevent their clients’ personal information from being revealed. Despite essentially being blackmailed (allegedly), Ashley Madison really had an ethical responsibility to prevent their members exposure at all costs, and they quite simply did not care enough about their members to even temporarily take the site offline to protect them. This makes them guilty of betraying their members all by itself.

If all of the above information is true, it’s clear that the biggest scumbag in all of this is Ashley Madison, not just for creating this reprehensible, cynical service in the first place, but for how unbelievably unethically it was run as a business. Based on how badly the company treated its members, it almost looks to me as though the website was actually set up to frustrate, bilk and punish cheaters from the get-go. And if that’s true, then it’s possible the hack and the leak were done by the company itself to further punish cheaters on the site, and possibly to frighten other cheaters not on the site into not cheating, or at least not cheating online with an electronic trail that can be exposed. Investors sure are lucky Avid Life Media didn’t launch that IPO they had been planning, as all that money would likely be down the drain due to the revelations about this company’s business practices.

And the company also potentially caused irreparable harm to who knows how many people whose email addresses may have been used to sign up for the service without their knowledge by someone else seeking to remain anonymous; by not verifying email addresses, Ashley Madison has potentially ruined the lives of innocent people, and this may be the most disgusting aspect of this whole sordid affair. Shame on this company for so many things they did on top of setting up a website for people to cheat on their spouses. What a bunch of jerks!

BTW: I read so many articles about this, as well as comments, and saw so many TV news reports about the Ashley Madison leak (out of a perverse sense of fascination that’s akin to watching a train wreck, actually), it will be difficult for me to be sure to accurately credit all the sources here; but I will add links to some of the articles and hope that adequately covers it (as if anyone ever checks the sources on this silly blog). They were all AP and Reuters stories (hosted through Yahoo! due to the comments sections being so amusing) online and CNN on TV that this blog post is based upon:

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Viagra Pygmalion Ad (Joke/Proposed)

The mythical sculptor Pygmalion carves Galatea out of stone, and his love for her brings the statue to life. But because of his erectile dysfunction, she rejects him and runs off with another statue because it’s hard. Then the announcer says: “Don’t let this happen to you! Get rock-hard, with Viagra!”

This is Pygmalion and Galatea, for those who are unfamiliar with the myth:

Acne Medication Ad Song (Proposed)

This proposed ad for an acne medication would use the song: “Put On a Happy Face” with slightly altered lyrics in parts of it; like so:

Your skin is going to clear up,
Put (product) on your face,
Then your whole mood will cheer up,
Put on a happy face

Take off the gloomy mask of acne,
It’s not your style,
You’ll look so good that you’ll be glad,
You used (product) and smile.

You’ll have a pleasant outlook,
Stick out that noble chin,
Wipe out that full of doubt look,
Slap on a happy grin.

Just spread (product) all over your face,
And put on a happy face.

Put on a happy face,
Put on a happy face.

I knew a girl with acne,
She’d never smile or sing,
She used the (product) and see,
Now she has clear, clear skin.

Just spread (product) all over your face,
And put on a happy face.

Then the slogan is: “Put on a happy face!”

This is the song: “Put On a Happy Face”:

(I think a cold sore medication used a modified version of this song in an ad before, but I don't think it worked as well as it would work for an acne medication ad. And you would not believe how many different ads use the same songs again and again.)

Gold Bond Itch Bitch Ad (Joke/Proposed)

The super villain Itch Bitch (she also could be called the Itch Witch for TV) creates a powerful itch ray that can make every man, woman and child on the continent itch so much they can’t stand it, so super spy Gold Bond (a James Bond-style secret agent who is covered in shiny gold, sort of like Shirley Eaton was in Goldfinger, only Gold Bond looks like that all the time) is called on to counter the threat. And Gold Bond has just the thing to defeat Itch Bitch’s evil plan: Gold Bond Medicated Cream and Gold Bond Medicated Powder! So Gold Bond uses his Gold Bond products (used like James Bond gadgets from Bond films) to deactivate and destroy the itch ray, foiling Itch Bitch’s dastardly scheme. Plus, using Gold Bond products completely neutralizes the effects of the itch ray, so the world is safe for itch-free comfort once again, protected from the threat if anyone else ever tries to resurrect the inhuman international itch ray plot.

Static Guard Star Trek Ad (Joke/Proposed)

In a joke on Star Trek, a hamper of clean laundry is floating through space when it’s attacked by the Static Klingons. On the bridge of the Static Klingon ship, we see the captain order his crew to charge up the static ray gun, and then the Static Klingon ship shoots lightning at the hamper of clothes, making them all stick together, trapped in a web of static electricity. But then the Enterprise shows up and frees the laundry with Static Guard.

Cell Phone Haunted Cell Phone Horror Movie Ad (Proposed)

A haunted cell phone is driving a young woman crazy, endlessly ringing and tormenting her with texts and calls from a vicious supernatural demonic entity. It accosts her so much, she screams every time the phone rings or vibrates. Just then, we hear the landline telephone in her home ring, and at first she screams, but then, realizing it’s a different phone, with great trepidation she answers it, and it turns out to be a marketing call from a mobile phone company offering her a new special deal on a smartphone data plan. Annoyed with the telephone solicitation, she almost hangs up, but just before she slams the phone down, she realizes that this could be the solution to her problems. So she signs up with the company, and she throws her old haunted cell phone out the window and into a river where it short-circuits and sinks into the water and muddy bottom of the river, never to return. Then she smiles and sighs with relief, and the announcer chimes in, saying: “Haunted by your cell phone contract? Break free of the horror, with a new smartphone plan from (whatever cell phone company)!”

Fitbit Competitors

NagTag: The tag you wear that has an annoying voice to loudly nag and scream at you whenever you try to relax.

Fatbat: A bat you use to beat on and chase around overweight people in order to make them get up and run and exercise.

Shock Sock: The electrically charged socks that electrocute you when you remain seated for too long, making you jump up and run around from the pain.

RunGun: A gun you use to threaten out of shape people with so they will run away from you and get much needed exercise.

Jog Clogs: The clogs you strap onto your feet that contain small pins inside the soles of the clogs, which spring up and jab the soles of your feet, causing you to jump up and down and run around from the pain, getting healthful exercise in the process.

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Viagra Ad Placement Oddity

In reading the news today online I was interested to see that an article about Jared (from the Subway ads) and his sex crime stuff was festooned with an ad for Viagra. No, I’m not joking, and if Google didn’t always remove my snapshot images making fun of internet ad blunders, I’d gladly share my snapshot with you. But rest assured it happened this afternoon, and I have the image to prove it if anyone tries to deny it.

I think maybe there’s some dumb program that randomly plunks ads into internet news articles, because I see this stuff all the time. I try to share it here, but within 48 hours the image is always replaced with a small square with a question mark in it, so eventually I gave up. Internet experts I know claim that since Google makes its money from advertising, and I often make fun of advertising screw-ups, they probably simply take them down to avoid offending their bread and butter. (It makes sense to me, but it’s still frustrating, as it’s just as fair-usey and fair-gamey as everything else on Blogger, for God’s sake!)

By now I thought there would be some algorithm to dictate what ads were not appropriate, like not putting boner pill ads in articles about child molestation or rape, or desserts/fast food in articles about childhood obesity, etc.

They’ve probably fixed this by now, but here’s the story (the Viagra ad was just beneath the video of Jared holding the jeans, to the right of the text):

And here's the image while it lasts:

Chap Stick “El Chap Sticko” (Joke) Ad

Inspired by Suzy Chaffee’s 1970s Chap Stick ad campaign where she changed her name to Suzy Chapstick, as well as by the possibility of dropping off the radar of investigators, notorious drug lord El Chapo has decided to change his name to “El Chap Sticko”. Unfortunately, the upcoming ad campaign he’s making for Chap Stick (where he states: “Escape to freedom from chapped lips as easily as I escape from Mexican prisons, with Chap Stick! Take it from me, El Chap Sticko! I like it so much, I changed my name!”) will reveal his new name to the world, putting the heat right back on him. But this time the heat will be more comfortable, because when it chaps his lips, he’ll have plenty of Chap Stick to soothe them.

Here’s Suzy Chaffee Becoming Suzy Chapstick:

Crest Whitestrips “White Tooth Privilege” Ad (Joke/Proposed)

We all know there’s a lot of talk about white privilege, and it might be fun to make a joke on this hot button issue in an ad for a tooth whitener. These ads like to show people with whiter teeth getting more attention and better opportunities due to their whiter teeth than do those with yellower teeth. And so they could refer to this as: “White Tooth Privilege”, and we could see two girls smile at a group of guys, and the guys all notice and socialize with the one with the whiter teeth while ignoring the one with the yellower teeth. Then we’d see someone with yellow teeth on a job interview, and they finish and leave, and someone else with bright white teeth comes in to interview next, and we see them get the job because of their whiter smile. Then the announcer says: “Get ‘White Tooth Privilege’, with Crest Whitestrips.

(BTW: This is obviously intended to be silly, not offensive. I just can’t help but think of this stuff when I see ads for tooth-whitening products, as news people often talk about white privilege on TV these days, and sometimes a Crest Whitestrips ad comes on right afterwards showing people with whiter teeth being treated better and getting better things.)

Crispy Crypt Cereal

Just in time for Halloween, it’s Crispy Crypt Cereal: coffin-shaped cereal with marshmallow skulls and headstones in a cardboard casket box! Start your mourning out fresh with Crispy Crypt Cereal! Bury it in milk and dig it up with a spoon for that freshly exhumed flavor every time! Put your hunger six feet under with Crispy Crypt Cereal! (Fortified with formaldehyde!)

(The name could also be: Crypt Crisp Cereal)