Wednesday, October 31, 2012

The Exorcist Maiden Name Joke

I have seen the movie The Exorcist probably fifteen times, but I never got that joke until tonight. (It’s on again tonight for Halloween.) So Father Karras asks Possessed Regan what his mother’s maiden name is, and Possessed Regan projectile vomits pea soup on him. And then, finally, tonight, I got it. I saw that scene, and I said: “Andersen! Like Andersen’s Pea Soup! Now I get it: her maiden name is Andersen! It must be! And it’s an inside joke for fans of Andersen’s Pea Soup!” That must be what they meant. Because Andersen’s Pea Soup is the only brand I know of that’s smooth enough to spray like projectile vomit right out of the can. Right?

Now, obviously this is just a joke of mine, because the real reference is that her maiden name is Green. Because the pea soup vomit is green, so it’s just a different way of saying “green”, right? Get it? It’s just like if her maiden name was Brown, and the demon sprayed diarrhea in the bed: because poop is brown. Or if the demon sprayed milk on him, and her maiden name was White. Right? That must be what they really meant. Don’t you think?

Lydia Callis: Sign Language Superstar!

I’m from New York City, and my parents still live there, so I was watching the news coverage of Sandy all evening and all night to see if I could tell if they’d be okay. So while watching the coverage, I couldn’t help but notice how delightfully entertaining and animated Mayor Bloomberg’s ASL interpreter was! I thought it might be a bit silly or snarky to write about her that night, as the gravity of the situation was pretty heavy. But apparently I’m not the only one who noticed.

There was an article on Yahoo! today about her, and how much everyone enjoyed her translation. Her name is Lydia Callis, and a lot of people have sat up and taken notice of her. She was so wonderfully animated, it seemed like dancing and comedy at times. It was a nice bit of informative levity and encouragement, and I think she’s the first ASL interpreter who stole the show at a press conference I’ve ever heard of. I’ll attach a video of her from the other night below. But in tough times, even little bits of sunshine can help a lot, and she was definitely a ray of sunshine on a dangerous and catastrophically stormy night.

Now, I don’t watch Sesame Street much anymore, as I’m an adult, but they really should get her to be a guest on the show and teach sign language to the kids. (Maybe they already do this?) She could make it seem like a game, rather than just another boring lesson, and kids love to learn through games. Think of how many kids could get interested in ASL and serving the community in other ways through her appearances on shows like Sesame Street!

Here’s a video of her signing for the Mayor during Hurricane Sandy:

And here’s that Yahoo! Shine news story:

Creditor Drones

It is a fact of life in this technological age that military technology trickles down into the private sector and is eventually used for non-military applications. And so it is with drones, soon to be used for private corporate applications. For instance, the Predator drone is soon to be used in a different kind of predatory capability: that of creditor collections agent. They are to be called Creditor Drones, and they will have the ability to pinpoint customers with overdue bills, grab them by the feet with a robotic claw, hold them upside-down and shake them until the money falls out of their pockets, where it will then suck the money up with a retractable telescoping vacuum, release them, and then fly away. This radical new debt collection method will reduce the occurrance of debt delinquency and, sadly, kill more American jobs. But have no fear, for those human collections agents who lose their jobs can be hired as personal defenders against Creditor Drones, and fight the machines for the oppressed! And that will give them the experience they need to command the legions of mankind against the rise of the machines once SkyNet becomes self-aware!

Fun Scholarly Music Criticism

When I was in college, we used to read scholarly criticism essays talking about how some painting was a response to some other painting or style, attacking its philosophy of artistic expression, or how architecture was a rebellion against previous styles (like Adolph Loos rebelling against decadent ornamentation and the gilded decorative details of previously ornate styles, or Art Historian Michael Fried complaining about art that is “corrupted and perverted by theatricality”). I’ve seen a lot of this type of comparative criticism essay on the visual arts, and in industrial design, but not so much in popular music.

But wouldn’t it be fun to read serious and pretentious essays about songs, talking about how the song “Tomorrow” from Annie was a celebration of the resilience of the human spirit which served as a repudiation and an indictment of the depressingly pessimistic and selfish sentimentality and “woe-is-me” defeatism of The Beatles’ classic song “Yesterday”; or how S.O.A.’s song “Gonna Have to Fight” was a nihilistic but unfortunately realistic counterpoint to the dangerous liberal fantasy preached in the John Lennon song “Give Peace A Chance”, which projects a weakness and naiveté that would be taken advantage of by the belligerence of intolerance and violence inherent in human society; or how the song “Who Let the Dogs Out” is, while minimal in structure, fundamentally a multilayered didactic treatise including a veiled indictment of animal rights groups’ attempts to unthinkingly release dangerous animals into an unwary and defenseless society, juxtaposed with a scathing criticism of society’s inherent if unknowing and passive complicity in such cruel animal experimentation, as well as a humorously disguised attempt to raise awareness regarding the plight of shelter animals, etc.

Now seriously: wouldn’t it be fun to read stuff like that?

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

NetFlix Halloween Streaming Ad

I haven’t seen any special Halloween ads for NetFlix streaming service, but I think there should be one where they tout the scary horror movie selection they have for instant streaming over Halloween. So here’s what I think it should be: It should say “NetFlix: Streaming Movies for Halloween”, and the ‘t’ (in ‘streaming’) should be scratched out and replaced with a bloody ‘c’, so it says “NetFlix: Screaming Movies for Halloween”. And the background should have some scary scene, like maybe possessed Regan from The Exorcist, or the monster from Frankenstein, or Michael Myers from Halloween. (And it should be an animated Internet banner ad, or just a regular ad on webpages; and it could also work as a TV ad, with the idea animated, and a loud scream occurring when the ‘t’ is scratched out and replaced with a bloody ‘c’, and a scary movie scene behind the text.)

Visine Helix Nebula Ad (Joke/Proposed)

Remember that picture of the Helix Nebula that looks like the “Eye of God”? Well, it looks like there is a lot of redness in this eye, and that might make for a fun ad for Visine. It could play out like a disaster movie meets the lion with the thorn removed from its paw. (Although I suppose this could offend some people, so maybe just as a joke ad?)

So here’s how this (joke) ad would play out: News people would mention lots of natural disasters, and scientists would wonder what’s causing them, until they find the Helix Nebula. Well, this looks like a big “Eye of God”, and theologians could point out that it looks red and irritated, so maybe it could use some help, and these natural disasters are trying to get our attention so we can help. So Visine gets together with NASA to launch a rocket with a giant bottle of Visine on it, and it flies up to the Helix Nebula, squirts a couple of big drops of Visine into the nebula, and the red turns to white, and the eye looks relieved. Then, the disasters stop, and Earth becomes an utopia of peace and harmony, and all thanks to Visine! (Well, and NASA, I guess.)

But I think this idea works very well in its visual imagery and as such would make a very good ad. So for the proposed ad, just show a NASA space craft squirting Visine in the Helix Nebula and making the red go away, leaving it looking like a healthy eye, and remove all the theological/disaster movie stuff. Then simply say that Visine relives eye redness and irritation on an epic scale.

Here’s the red eye in space:

Mr. Snuffleupagus Mascara?

In writing my joke piece about the “Sexy Sunffleupagus” Halloween costume I was reminded of something about Mr. Snuffleupagus I remember from my childhood: he has unbelievably long eyelashes! And everybody wants long eyelashes, right?

So I was thinking, why not have Mr. Snuffleupagus be a mascara advertising model, or else start a brand of Snuffy mascara? After all, if Mitt Romney wins the election, Sesame Street might need a new source of income! So how about Sesame Street start a new cosmetics line? They could have Mr. Snuffleupagus’s Ultimate Eyelash Mascara, Dr. Teeth’s Gold Teeth & Grilles, Animal’s Beard & Mustache Dye, The Count’s Tooth Whitening Toothpaste and Blood Red Lipstick, Muppet Monster Hair Tonic (for growing hair everywhere), etc. Think of all the money they could make!

Here are some pictures that shows Snuffy’s long eyelashes:

Frankenstorm Sequels?

Hurricane Sandy, the so-called “Frankenstorm”, was a combination of storms that created one monstrous storm. They’re saying on the news that this is a “once-in-a-lifetime event”, but it seems these New England hurricanes are becoming more and more common. This could be climate change, or it could be a cyclical weather trend, or (most likely) both. And we could see this kind of storm happen again.

And if these storms do occur again, I hope the weather center people will remember that this was “Frankenstorm”, and name these future storms appropriately, like “Bride of Frankenstorm”, “Son of Frankenstorm”, “The Ghost of Frankenstorm”, “The Curse of Frankenstorm”, “Revenge of Frankenstorm”, “Frankenstorm Must Be Destroyed”, etc. (But maybe they have to occur close to Halloween like this one did to truly be called “Frankenstorm”.)

But if hurricanes become more and more powerful, perhaps the World Meteorological Organization should begin to name them appropriately, using a system I’ve suggested before on this blog: name them after giant movie monsters, like: “Hurricane Godzilla”, “Hurricane Rodan”, “Hurricane Mothra”, “Hurricane Ghidorah”, “Hurricane Gamera”, etc. Then maybe people would be scared enough of them not to do stupid things like trying to surf in the storm surge, dancing around behind reporters during the storm, having hurricane parties, ignoring mandatory evacuation orders, etc. (But then again, maybe horror movie fans would all stay behind and go to the beach hoping to get to see the monsters in person, putting emergency responders in danger having to go rescue them.)

Mayor Bloomberg Limits Sandy Storm Surge to 16 Ounces

(I posted this yesterday, but took it down due to the serious nature of the storm. But after seeing late night comedians making jokes about the storm, I have decided to put this back up, as silly as it is.)

Mayor Bloomberg is holding fast to his drink size limitations, telling Hurricane Sandy she may not have more than 16 ounces in one storm surge. “If I let you do it, then everyone will ask for an exception, and I refuse to do that”, said the mayor. And Bloomberg means business here: He’s declared a state of emergency so that he could call up the National Guard, and he has ordered them to shoot at the storm if it tries to have a larger storm surge than his law allows. So I guess it’s only a matter of time before we see who is more powerful: New York’s billionaire media mogul mayor who washed away term limits, or mother nature.

Monday, October 29, 2012

CNN’s Irresponsible Hurricane Sandy Coverage

CNN would say in words that everyone should stay inside where it’s safe during the Superstorm Sandy. Oh, but actions speak louder than words, and by having Ali Velshi, CNN’s resident Pillsbury Dough Boy, standing out in the storm all night, they are essentially saying: “Hey guys: think you’re so tough? Well, Ali Velshi is standing out in the Hurricane all night long! So how come you’re not? Are you really such pansies? Wimps!” This kind of implied dare is cat-nip to tough guys! You know they’ll be drowning themselves in large numbers just to try to out-macho Ali Velshi! (As if that’s possible after tonight! I think he’s earned Superman credentials tonight. {But it’s still setting a bad example!})

Ice Cube Victory over Coors Light (Joke) Ad

We’ve all seen the ads where Ice Cube is battling it out against Coors Light to see who is the coldest. Well, I think I might have an idea for Ice Cube to beat Coors Light in the “coldest” contest. We’ve all heard the expression: “an ice-cube’s chance in hell”, right? Well, Ice Cube could take a Coors Light to hell with him, just as a dare, and while the Coors Light would explode and boil, Ice Cube would make hell freeze over (because he’s Ice Cube, and he’s so cool and so cold), proving once and for all that he’s the coldest! Then they could have an ice bar party down in hell! And once Ice Cube had cooled it down enough, he could import some Coors Light for the party. (Hey, it might make a fun Halloween ad for Coors Light. But then again, they’d have to admit defeat. And I doubt they’d do that.)

Put NPR in Your Will…

…And you’ll be dead! (Horror movie music, please.)

Yes, now NPR is soliciting its listeners to put NPR in their wills (!). And you know what that means, right? Well, have you ever seen those silly suspense/horror movies where people are trying to kill someone for their fortune? Well, that’s what your life will be like if you put NPR in your will! Before you know it, Melissa Block and Ira Flatow will hound you to an early grave! (Or else, if you’re already dead, Neal Conan and Linda Wertheimer will drive your children insane for their inheritance, just like in other bad horror movies! {It is a little-known fact that all of these drive-someone-insane-for-their-inheritance movies are based upon true stories about NPR!})

Look, they’re on the radio, so you can’t see their blood-stained hands of death and the guilt in their eyes! But just listen to their voices: you can just tell by listening to them that they’d just as soon kill you as talk to you through the radio about boring sh!t all day! Their bloodlust and avarice know no bounds! I’m telling you, if you leave your estate to NPR, your life won’t be worth a conservative’s chance at NPR! (And that’s worse than an ice-cube’s chance in hell! {Not the Ice Cube, just an ice-cube.})

Why do you think all the killers in slasher movies wear masks? It’s because they don’t want you to know that it’s really Ira Glass behind the mask! After tricking naïve idealistic young liberals to put NPR in their wills, he goes to collect by killing them! (Oh, the humanity!) In fact, all those slasher movies are really documentaries of what really happens during the fund drives! It’s a liberal Hollywood conspiracy to hide the truth from you so you’ll put NPR in your will!

But if you do fall for this murderous trick, you could always make contact from beyond the grave with some multi-cultural psychic/medium/poet/finger-painter, and then you could reveal all and point the accusing finger at them from beyond on All Things Considered.

(BTW: This is just a joke, and as an avid NPR listener, I have to apologize for this joke at their expense. But I couldn’t help but think of it, especially so close to Halloween, when William Castle movies run amok by night, and bloodlust and candylust are in the air…)

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Celebrity Pen Names

I’m not talking about celebrities using pen names to write books, here; I’m talking about authors using the names of celebrities as their pen names. Because, look: I have noticed a trend in our culture where many celebrities’ books become instant bestsellers, presumably mostly because they were written by famous people. But most authors are not famous people, especially at first. And, to level this unfair playing field, we must redistribute some of this wealth so that it’s fair. After all, is it fair that a book becomes a bestseller just because it was written by a celebrity? Especially when that celebrity is a TV show host, they get tons of free advertising and publicity simply by repeatedly mentioning the book on their own show. Plus, since they’re in television, they already know other people in television, so they get to do all kinds of other TV shows to promote their book, whereas most authors do not get such an opportunity. It doesn’t even have to be a good book to sell when they have such a vast promotional platform.

But there is a solution to this problem, and it is the previously stated strategy of using pen names. For many authors, it is not unusual for them to choose to publish their work under a pseudonym: a pen name, if you will (even though we all use word processors now). And since it is clear that books written by celebrities are generally instantly popular and become bestsellers, why not use as a pen name the name of a famous celebrity? A writer of historical fiction or non-fiction could use the pen name “Bill O’Reilly”, and instantly get their book into the top ten of the NY Times bestseller list. (After all, three of Bill O’Reilly’s recent books are currently in the top ten right now!)

In fact, it is a common practice with bestseller books for authors to cut deals with famous and popular celebrities where the author writes the book, the celebrity claims to have written it, and the two of them split the money from sales: it’s called “ghost writing”. Well, if the writer simply uses as a pen name the name of the famous person, they can cut out the middle man, and just keep all the money themselves! Because once they start doing it, the celebrity will complain about it on TV, giving the book tons of free advertising, and then everyone will want to read the book at the heart of the scandal. (We love our scandals here in America.) And since many people have the same names as many famous people, the author can say: “You can’t own a name: that’s selfish.” And then they’ll get away with it!

So it’s clear: for authors to sell more books, they should write under a pen name that is the same as a famous celebrity’s name.


Yes, it’s approaching that time of year again, and pretty soon we’ll all be eating our fill of Hanukkah Gelt. (That’s the mock gold coins with chocolate inside.) And what better business move than for Goldline to open a sideline selling chocolate gold coins, and call the business “Geltline”. And they could even use the same investment strategy as in their other ads, because cocoa prices are rising through the roof along with gold (!). Then, the next time they get caught allegedly sending chocolate gold coins in the place of real gold coins, they can say the order just got mixed up. (They can’t believably say that if they don’t also sell chocolate gold coins through a sideline business!)

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Paranormal Activia 2

Last Halloween, the makers of the Paranormal Activity movie franchise and Activia Yogurt got together to bring you an irregular regularity experience: Paranormal Activia: the haunted yogurt that scares the crap out of you! But now, for this Halloween, they team up once again to bring you Paranormal Activia 2! Yes, last time, the yogurt was haunted, but this time, it's possessed! And in honor of the "2" (as in Paranormal Activia 2, and #2, as in poop), we present you with a new two-person way to achieve regularity with Paranormal Activia 2! Here's how it works: Simply feed the yogurt to your significant other, friend, or family member, and they will become possessed by a demon so fearsome, you will lose all bowel control from fear, effectively (and literally) scaring the crap out of you and ending your constipation problems! Plus, the demon is so deadly, it might even end all of your problems: permanently! That's Paranormal Activia 2: The possessed yogurt that dispossesses you of your feces! Ask for it by name wherever black magic supplies and laxatives are sold!

And remember: 4 out of 5 exorcists recommend Paranormal Activia 2 to their parishioners possessed of constipation problems.

Here's the original announcement from last year for Paranormal Activia:

The J’Accuszi, the Jacuzzi for Whistleblowers

We all realize how nerve-wracking it must be for whistleblowers to come forward and speak out against corruption and wrongdoing. After all, whistleblowers can lose their jobs, become the targets of retribution, get dragged through the mud by agenda-driven news coverage, etc. And it is very common for such retaliation to occur. So no whistleblower can ever be sure that they will be safe when revealing ugly truths or making allegations of wrongdoing against the powerful. That’s why they’re generally so nervous.

Well, stress and worry is a thing of the past with J’Accuszi, the Jacuzzi for whistleblowers! Yes, simply get into the J’Accuszi, and let the massaging jets of water sooth and calm you before you leak accusations and/or testify under oath. Once you’ve experienced its calming effects, you’ll be ready to point the accusing finger right at the malefactors, regardless of how powerful they may be! And after you’ve put your head on the chopping block to expose the nefarious goings on, and you fear for your life and career, just get into your J’Accuszi, and the relaxing water massage will allow the certainty that you’ve done the right thing seep deep into your conscience. And after a little while, your fears of consequences will melt away!

That’s the J’Accuszi: ask for it by name wherever ethical baths and Jacuzzis are sold!

Friday, October 26, 2012


There has been, oh, I don't know, shall we call it a trend (?) lately, of Republican candidates uttering extremely idiotic and yucky statements about rape as it pertains to the abortion issue. Some Republicans condemn these ideas, and others are conspicuously silent. But it seems to me that these guys have a basic conception of right to life that can go in some pretty loathsome directions, and the Republican Party platform doesn't make it that easy to understand exactly where they stand on this issue; I mean, during campaign season, anyway. (I think we're pretty clear on where they stand the rest of the time: baby = good; woman carrying baby = whatever: she's just a vessel for the innocent child, after all. Or, at least, that's how their position seems to read to a lot of people.)

So it seems to me that if the Republicans would like to distance themselves from politicians with this type of belief, why not ask them to go form their own party: the Rapeublican Party. Otherwise, they might as well just change their own party to the Rapeublican Party. Because that's what they're beginning to make us think of whenever we think of Republicans. (And that ain't good!)

(Sorry, Republicans: I know this is kind of harsh; but you guys need a wake-up call on this issue! I mean, even left-wing TV personalities who make their living making fun of you are telling you to stop with the rape comments. And I'd have thought they'd like you to just keep on going, not only so they can make fun of you, but also so you can discredit yourselves with women everywhere {as in, give you enough rope...}. But even they are advising you on how to avoid this pitfall, so just take it as a nice gesture from them. Personally, I prefer for everyone to say what they think and what they mean, so we all know what they stand for, and we can make an informed decision. It's really you guys who should want to stop, because this is what we call an "unforced error". But forced or not, if this is what you really believe: that rape victims should be forced by the government to carry their rape babies to term, then you guys are pretty despicable. And if so, you really are Rapeublicans.)

(Full disclosure: I'm pro-choice, but I understand the other side's argument, too. And I think we should all have our say, but I don't think the government should be used to enforce religious dogma {and that's what this is, really}. Pro-life people are more than welcome to try to convince women to keep the baby with an argument, but only insomuch as they are willing to listen. And I also get the idea of destroying potential human life being immoral {although I still think it should be up to the woman whose body it is}, it's just that with as overpopulated as the world is becoming, I think it's more immoral to force more people into the world than it can sustain. We're heading towards living in the movie Soylent Green {excepting the women as furniture bit thankfully, at least in Western society} at the rate we're going, and that is far more horrible than abortion. I mean, I know there might be another Earth-like planet somewhere we could reach someday, but at the rate we're going, we'll be eating Solent Green far before then. And isn't that worse, in the long run, than allowing a woman's right to choose? Or is that why you want the extra people born into the world: so you can eat them? {A-ha! I knew there had to be something more to this!})

Romney Kid Names

As we all know, Mitt Romney has five sons. One is named Tagg, but the rest have relatively normal-sounding names. But I have to wonder: since he’s a financial guy, why didn’t Mitt name his sons after investment stuff? He could have Ira (after Roth IRAs), Tiaa & Cref (after TIAA CREF), Spider (after SPDRs), and Nyse (after the New York Stock Exchange). That’s what I would have done. Or maybe he could have tried Dow, Nasdaq, Essanpee (after S&P), etc. And if Mitt Romney is really the big Wall Street guy and corporate raider the Obama people claim, then shouldn’t he have named his sons like this? I think we need to see those boys’ birth certificates to make sure their names are being honestly represented! And wouldn’t it be fun to see the Obama people demand birth certificates from Mitt Romney?

Bad Movie Ratings

Tonight I got to see the movie Exorcist II: The Heretic again, and it reminded me of something I used to think about movie ratings. (I mean the star ratings in TV guides, not MPAA ratings.) You see, Exorcist II: The Heretic is an awful movie, fully deserving of the one star it got from my TV guide; but it’s also a wonderfully entertaining bad movie, so I think there should be some sort of way to let viewers know about this. So when a bad movie is really bad, it should get the one star, or maybe no stars; but if it’s bad in a fun way, or “so bad it’s good”, then it should get a different set of stars, let’s say in red.

So as an example, let’s use Plan 9 from Outer Space. That’s an awful movie, but it’s also really entertaining. So for that movie, I’d say, give it one regular star, and four red stars (for a bad movie that’s fun to watch, a.k.a.: “so bad it’s good”), or just four red stars. And that’s the rating Exorcist II: The Heretic ought to get as well, for it’s truly a God-awful movie, but it’s also really fun to watch, especially if you’re watching it to make fun of it. But there are lots of bad movies that really just suck, and are no fun to watch at all. And they could get one regular star and/or one red star, so that we’d all know not to bother watching it.

Yahoo!’s Scariest Movies (You Haven’t Seen)

Recently Yahoo! posted an article about the scariest movies we haven’t seen (I guess as a Halloween treat). So I was intrigued to see what scary movies I haven’t seen that might be worth seeing. But there’s a real problem with this article: I’ve already seen all of these movies, and so have all of my friends. So I find myself wondering: Who is this article intended for? Oh, well: maybe nobody else has seen these movies. (But I doubt it!)

It’s funny that they would categorize Possession as scary, as it’s really just violent and disgusting. But I guess that’s what passes for scary these days, huh? And Pan’s Labyrinth, the Academy Award-winner for best cinematography, best art direction, and best makeup, as well as winner of a plethora of other awards worldwide: nobody has seen this movie? Really? I doubt it, somehow. And Pulse was such a big hit, they even produced an American remake; same with A Tale of Two Sisters (although the remake was called The Uninvited); ditto with Let the Right One In (that remake was called Let Me In). In fact, I would say that most of these movies are pretty well known, especially with horror movie fans. (And they’re all readily available for rental.) But then again, maybe the average Yahoo! user is not big on horror or foreign films: who knows?

If anyone wants a list of horror movies most people probably have not seen, here is what I would suggest in place of their list:

Viy (1967)
The Savage Hunt of King Stakh (1979)
The Horrible Dr. Hichcock (1962)
Black Cat Mansion (1958)
Tokaido Yotsuya Kaidan (1959)
This Night I’ll Possess Your Corpse (1967)
An Angel for Satan (1966)
Shadow of the Cat (1961)
La Cruz del Diablo (1975)
Lisa and the Devil (1973)
Alucarda (1978)
La Setta (1991)

Here is the not very enlightening Yahoo! article/list of scary movies you probably have seen:

Pro Form Tour de France Exercise Bike Busted for Steroids

There has been a lot of talk lately about cheating in cycling, and as a result, the cycling governing body has revamped its doping screening program, making it harder for cheaters to get away with it. This new push has netted an unlikely suspect: the Pro Form Tour de France exercise bike. Yes, apparently doping is so prevalent in competitive cycling, even cycling race-branded exercise bikes are using steroids and blood boosters.

The exercise bike was not only caught with steroids hidden in its seat, it also allegedly sneaks out of wherever it lives and buys illegal, banned substances when not in use. It has been further alleged that this exercise bike secretly injects its riders with steroids into their buttocks while they’re sitting on it. This gives a further black eye to competitive cycling, a sport where cheating is so predominant, even inanimate objects with only a tenuous branding connection to the Tour de France for marketing purposes are deeply dependent upon performance enhancing drugs.

Were it not for the fact that apparently almost all competitive cyclists use such drugs, and hence riding bicycles puts people at a much higher risk for such drug use, these stationary exercise bikes would probably be banned as well. But the fact is, even an exercise bike that is doping is safer to associate with than a real live cyclist, and a safer activity than real cycling. But authorities recommend that if you are intending to get an exercise bike for your home, don’t get one with a computerized voice, because then it will peer-pressure you into using performance enhancing drugs.

(This is just a joke. The exercise bikes are innocent!)

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Romney the Killer (Joke) Political Ad

Remember the political ad where some old man accused Mitt Romney of killing his wife? That was awesome, but I’m not sure it really made much of an impact. You see, there’s no real proof that Mittens is really responsible for her death, so most people were probably not convinced of anything other than the desperation and dishonesty of the ad. No, to really convince voters that Mitt Romney is a murderer, they need to show Mitt Romney actually killing people. But with digital technology, that’s easy! Just make an ad that shows that.

Here’s how this political ad would work: In a scenario like a condensed version of a Friday the 13th slasher movie, we see Jason (in his hockey goalie’s mask) attack and brutally kill victim after victim with a machete, with blood squirting out everywhere. Then the last victim tries to fight back by tearing off Jason’s mask; and wouldn’t you know it, but it’s Mitt Romney underneath (!). A ha! So he is really a murderer after all! (I knew it all along!)

And, just to scare seniors about Paul Ryan wanting to kill old people, they could have the same ad, but where the victims are all senior citizens, and it’s Paul Ryan under the hockey mask (!!). Outed at last for the vicious killer he is! (I knew it, too!)

Who knows? Maybe someone has already made an ad like this, and it’s running all over the country except here. (California is a solidly Democratic state, so we don’t get all the fun smear ads that the swinging swing states get.)

Democrats Accuse Republicans of Using Scary Halloween Costumes for Voter Suppression

Because the election is so close to Halloween, Republicans are suggesting their supporters wear scary Halloween costumes to the polls and stand around outside afterwards, just for social contact and a jubilant, festive atmosphere. They are even claiming that creating a party atmosphere would attract more voter turnout, and thus more votes for both sides. And in a split from their usual corporate stance, Republicans have recommended their supporters wear scary homemade costumes, like blood-soaked serial killers, ravenous zombies, and terrorists with suicide bomb vests, rather than the corporate-inspired sell-out crap like superheroes and such. This would clearly make for a fun Halloween for adults, since adults usually have to go trick-or-treating with their children or stay home to give out candy.

Oh, but Democrats are crying foul, claiming that scary characters hanging around outside the polling stations might tend to scare away Democratic voters. But Republicans claim they got the idea from Democrats, who said it was fine for guys to stand outside a polling station four years ago dressed up as Black Panthers* (a very scary costume indeed for Republicans to see). And when Republicans suggested giving out candy to voters, they were accused of trying to buy votes. It surely looks like the buzzkill Democrats want to spoil a good time for everyone again by denying us the scary costume party at the polls this year. And isn’t this a clear attempt at voter suppression aimed at masquerade aficionados?

* I thought the Black Panthers were there at the poll in Philadelphia during the 2008 presidential election in an attempt to prevent voter suppression efforts, since there had been reports of voter suppression attempts perpetrated by Republican activists in previous elections. (I don’t know if Republicans really engaged in voter suppression, but there were news reports to that effect. And actually, there were charges of voter suppression against both Democrats and Republicans in 2004. {*Sigh*}) But maybe it was an attempt at voter suppression: who knows? I guess truth, like beauty, is really in the eye of the beholder these days.

Lance Armstrong Stripped of Skintight Bike Shorts for Life

As we all know by now, Lance Armstrong has been stripped of his cycling titles, and banned for life from the sport of cycling. But after he went on a recent cycling event for his charity, the world cycling body also banned him for life from wearing those spandex bike shorts, claiming that looking like an idiot in skintight spandex shorts is an honor reserved only for cyclists in good standing. He’s not even allowed to wear them underneath other clothes like underwear. And that’s a problem, because once you get used to your shorts hugging your junk for so long, it becomes addictive. And Armstrong may have no choice but to begin wearing Speedo weenie bikinis to get that same squeezing feeling. Or else maybe he’ll have to wear women’s spandex, or maybe even 1980s hair metal band spandex pants. In fact, maybe the hair metal spandex pants would be a better fit: after all, heavy metal doesn’t seem to mind if people use banned substances or performance enhancing drugs, so he’s much less likely to be banned from wearing those spandex pants. (Although I do think there is a big hair requirement for wearing skintight spandex hair metal pants. But maybe they’ll allow him just to wear a big fluffy wig, seeing as how he’s so famous and so naughty.)

This cycling shorts ban comes on the heels of another lifetime ban from the world cycling federation, that one being a lifetime ban from using any bicycles that look cool. Thus Armstrong may not ride racing bikes, 10-speed bikes, BMX bikes, or even fun children’s tricycles like Big Wheels or Green Machines. According to the cycling governing body, in order to participates in cycle rides for charity, he may only ride little girly tricycles or the silly penny-farthing bikes from the old days. And the cycling group said that being forced to ride a penny-farthing bike while wearing skintight spandex hair metal pants is the most severe penalty ever meted out to a cyclist for any transgression in the history of competitive cycling. (He might also have to pay back millions of dollars, but after all, that’s only money.)

Here is a penny-farthing bike, for those of you who don’t know what they are:

(BTW: I don’t mean to bust on Lance Armstrong so much, as he’s done a lot of good too, but he sure is in the news a lot these days.)

McDonald’s CBO (Joke/Proposed) Ad

McDonald’s has a new sandwich they’re calling the CBO (CBO stands for cheddar, bacon & onions). Well, seeing as how they’ve got all those old McDonald’s advertising characters, and we’re in the middle of an election campaign with a big budget & debt issue, why not play with that idea in an ad for this sandwich? Because remember, CBO also stands for Congressional Budget Office.

So, here’s how this might play out: Mayor McCheese is running for president, and he’s attacking his opponent about fiscal policy and the cost of proposed programs. So the opponent (Maybe the incumbent President Premium Crispy Chicken?) says to check the CBO, and that will prove his plan is fiscally sound. So someone yells from off-screen: “Someone has eaten the CBO!” (Everyone gasps. {And with both candidates also being yummy McDonald's sandwiches, they have extra reason to be concerned!}) Then the announcer says: “The CBO: It’s so delicious, nobody can resist eating it! And at (whatever the price is), it’s fiscally sound, too!”

Phantom of the Opera Golden Corral Halloween (Joke) Ad

TCM is showing lots of horror movies for Halloween this October, and in between movies last night they had a segment with Ron Chaney talking about his great-grandfather Lon Chaney, and they showed the scene from The Phantom of the Opera of the Phantom saying to Christine: “Feast your eyes, glut your soul on my accursed ugliness!” Well, that reminded me for some reason of the Golden Corral endless buffet, and how you can eat all you like for one low price (or so they say in the ads). So that made me think a fun Halloween ad for Golden Corral might be for the Phantom to say: “Feast your eyes, glut your soul on our endless buffet at Golden Corral this Halloween!”

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

TCM Halloween Horror Nights

I love that TCM shows a lot of horror movies in October for Halloween, but I think they need another host for the horror movies. Robert Osborne is great, but he doesn’t really know his horror movies very well. He’s reading off cue cards, and he still gets stuff wrong. I’ve noticed a few times before, although I forget the specific instances, but tonight he said the second movie called The Black Cat that Bela Lugosi made was made in 1942. Actually, it was made in 1941, and every book on the subject, as well as IMDB will tell you that (as well as any classic horror movie fan). Probably not many people besides me care about that particular detail, but I think it’s important to have people who really know the subject matter hosting when you’re talking about something with such a fanatical following as horror movies. And I’ve got a suggestion for just the people to do it, too.

For the classic horror movies, when there’s a block of them, there are a number of expert writers to choose from, but I would suggest two, just for starters. (Maybe they could use a different author every year, taken from the best books on the subject, just so people could glean new information and a different type of enthusiasm each time.) So first I would suggest Greg Mank, and then Tom Weaver. These guys have written many books on the subject (although I think Greg Mank may be better for Golden Age stuff, and Tom Weaver for 1950s sci-fi stuff), and they’re huge fans. Plus, they have interviewed many of the players and movers and shakers from these old movies, so they not only have unique insights into them, but they also know inside stories nobody else may know. Then there are plenty of other authors who they could use as well, and the more, the merrier! (And for 1960s movies, and especially Mario Bava stuff, get Tim Lucas: he does the Video Watchdog magazine, and has written a colossal book on Bava too that’s like the War and Peace of movie books, but with great color pictures throughout!)

Plus, TCM is also all about movie nostalgia, so why not have one of the surviving TV horror hosts from the old days be the host for Halloween night? That would be great, if any of them are still alive. (And if not, then interview their kids and fans!) Or else, the least they could do is have Robert Osborne wear fangs and a cape, or maybe some bolts in his neck, or wear a Jack O’Lantern on his head, or at least have him turn into a werewolf during the host segment. (I heard he really is a werewolf! And I heard that guy Ben Mankiewicz has silver bullets just in case! {You can never be too careful with suspected werewolves!})

Here is the proof that The Black Cat was made in 1941:

And for God’s sake, they had Carole Lombard as “Star of the Month” in October a couple of years ago, and they didn’t even show her horror movie in the horror movie marathon: Supernatural, 1933! It even has one of the great posters of the period:

Obama and Romney Battle Over Tax Rates for Dead Celebrities

They say that the only certain things in life are death and taxes. Well, due to the budget deficit and national debt crises, now we can be sure of taxes after death, too! And in some cases, there’s quite a lot to tax. Today Forbes released their list of the most fabulously wealthy deceased celebrities, including Michael Jackon, who earned $145 Million last year, and Elizabeth Taylor, who earned $210 Million, proving that while you can’t take it with you, you certainly can keep raking it in anyway even after you’ve passed on. (In some cases, celebrities earn far more after death than they did while they were alive! And the Michael Jackson Thriller video, where he is made-up to look like a zombie, was clearly an attempt to cash in on this trend early.)

Some celebrities on this list are earning yearly sums in the hundreds of millions of dollars, and hearing of this posthumous windfall, President Obama has announced his plans to raise taxes on the dead, saying: “Death is just an excuse the wealthy use as a way to avoid paying their fair share of taxes. Well, they couldn’t cheat death, and they can’t cheat the taxman either!” Republicans have countered, however, claiming this stated policy “…brings new meaning to ‘taxed to death’!” And they continued on to say: “President Obama is not only satisfied with taxing the rich while they’re alive; now he wants to tax them from beyond the grave as well!”

Countering President Obama’s announcement, Mitt Romney announced today he plans to cut taxes to the dead, claiming they are creating even more jobs than living rich people, and that this higher tax rate may lower their job creation even below that of the living rich. At a campaign rally held in an affluent cemetery, attended by hundreds of the once-living wealthy, Romney said: “President Obama wants to kill jobs even after death! He’s buried America in debt, and so now he proposes those buried in America should have to pay for it!” He went on to say that if the dead can’t take their wealth with them after death, Democrats shouldn’t be allowed to take it either, since they didn’t earn it; and he likened such a move to “stealing from the dead”, which might even risk triggering the zombie apocalypse.

President Obama’s new tax on the dead will even go so far as to include taxing the coins on a corpse’s eyes, which many psychics have claimed will prevent the souls of the dead from crossing over into the afterlife, and may end up trapping their souls here on Earth to wander endlessly as malevolent ghosts seeking revenge through the relentless haunting of the living. This is apparently what has been happening in all those Paranormal Activity movies, claim Republican economists; but Democrats retorted that once the zombie apocalypse starts, it won’t matter much what the ghosts do after that. This seemed to be a tacit admission that the president’s new tax policy would indeed cause the zombie apocalypse, but the administration walked that back a little bit later when questioned by frightened citizens, with the claim that humanity will be destroyed soon by something foretold long ago anyway, and that the president’s new tax policy is unrelated to that upcoming event.

Interestingly, this new tax plan does not appear to be sitting well with some dead celebrities. Numerous spiritual mediums claim they have received messages from some extremely high-earning departed celebrities via Ouija board stating they will refuse to communicate with the living any longer if President Obama is re-elected, which threatens to kill thousands of jobs in the psychic/medium ghost communication field. This warning is reminiscent of the letters some corporations are sending to their employees ahead of the upcoming presidential election. But this threat notwithstanding, the psychics & mediums union still supports and solicits its members to vote for Barack Obama.

Here’s the list of dearly departed celebrity taxable income:

Audi Certified Pre-Owned Ad

I love this ad campaign for the Audi pre-owned program, because they make the thing they are advertising (the Audi certified pre-owned program) look so intolerable for new Audi owners, these ads might even cut down on sales of new Audis. In these ads, subsequent future owners of the new Audi in the ad harass the current owner so that the car will still be nice when they buy and own it later on. (Would you buy a new car that came with an insufferable jerk from the future nagging you constantly and second-guessing and back-seat driving your every move?) In fact, they’re such annoying jerks about it, I would expect these new Audi owners to intentionally wreck their own cars just so that these asinine control freaks will stop harassing them, and more to the point, so that they can’t have the car (without it having been in a wreck that turns it into a lemon by then). Maybe another ad could show the guy with his used Audi notice a slight scratch on the car, and he goes back in time to harass the first owner about it, and when he return to his own time, his car is a complete wreck, awarding him his just desserts for being such a jerk to the first owner. But I suppose I’d be satisfied enough if she just called the cops and had the guy arrested for stalking her. (Cops: “Oh, you’re the future owner of her car? I think we’ve got a psycho on our hands here!” {And they beat him up with nightsticks.})

Here’s the annoying auto ad:

Tax Monkey

There’s a new ad for a company called “Tax Monkey”. Yes, I always rely on primates to solve my tax and other accounting problems. That’s ridiculous. (Maybe it would make for a silly comedy movie, or perhaps even a spin-off TV show from Animal Practice, where the monkey character sets up a tax-preparation business. Oh, the hilarity!)

But at least they use the slogan that would be the only reason to use such a name as Tax Monkey: “We’ll get the tax monkey off your back.” That way, they’re essentially equating all taxpayers with drug addicts and alcoholics, as that’s by far the most common use of the term. So, does that make the IRS like drug pushers?

But seriously, in order to tack away from the drug addict implications of the “monkey on your back” idea, how about simply changing their slogan? And since they’re called “Tax Monkey”, how about something else we all know about monkeys as a slogan? This might work: “Tax Monkey: We’ll throw our feces at the IRS for you!”

Here’s their commercial for drumming up monkey business:

Unintended Consequences of Lance Armstrong Doping Scandal?

Now that Lance Armstrong has been stripped of his cycling titles, dropped by his sponsors, and is in hot water for other aspects of his cycling career wins (specifically the return of moneys awarded as prizes and bonuses for cycling wins, and as legal settlements from authors who claimed Armstrong was doping), this has surely shown our kids that cheating does not pay. (Well, not forever, anyway.) But will this end up having unintended consequences? Let’s take a look.

We all know by now from investigative journalism that there is rampant cheating going on in our schools. Apparently even teachers have been caught cheating for their students on some standardized tests. And with so many people cheating like this, doesn’t it make you stop and wonder what their grades would be like without cheating? Why, they’d probably all fail! And what will happen to our children if this Lance Armstrong cheating scandal convinces our children to stop cheating? They might all flunk out and get nowhere in life!

Look, I think this is teaching our children the wrong lesson here. All their lives they have seen that cheating is the only way to get ahead in this world. Look at the Wall Street crash, our political system, corporate espionage, project sabotage in graduate schools, and yes, sports. This is the way things are done, and they’ve learned that from experience. But now the USADA comes along and tries to deny the truth that cheaters always win? Why, our kids will become confused! They won’t know who to trust! Dishonesty and cheating to get ahead were all they knew, and now we’re saying that’s not the right thing to do anymore? How can they believe that, when all the evidence points to the contrary?

It’s unfair to our children: that’s all I’m saying. It’s very confusing to tell them that crime doesn’t pay when they can clearly see that so often it does. And then they will think we’re all a bunch of liars to say cheating is bad. Maybe it’s even cheating to tell them so. And to all of a sudden start punishing cheaters after letting them win for so long, it sends such a contradictory message. Don’t you think so?

Obviously, this is a sad state of affairs. But remember, you can’t spell USADA without SAD.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Monster Energy Drinks: Deadly?

Claims are being made that Monster energy drinks have caused several deaths in the past few years. But is it really their fault? It’s called “Monster”, and what do monsters usually do? They go on rampages and kill people, right? So then it’s clear they put a warning right there on the can, and yet people ignored this clear warning of blatant danger and impending death, and drank it anyway. So who is really at fault here?

I think the Monster is just misunderstood! And as usual, it will be persecuted by a mob with torches and pitchforks. But since this was such a predictable outcome, shouldn’t they have considered not making such a monstrous energy drink? But I suppose mad scientists can’t restrain themselves from creating monsters anyway. They couldn’t help it! So they’re not really responsible then, are they? And maybe if people treated the Monster with kindness and compassion, rather than consuming it, it would have become civilized. But it’s too late now: all it knows now is how to kill.

Here’s the monstrous story:

New Alka Seltzer Mascot?

Most everybody knows Alka Seltzer’s advertising mascot is called “Speedy”. I guess that’s because he speeds relief to you, or some such thing. But isn’t this name misleading? A guy called “Speedy” should be the mascot for something like Adderall. That’s made of speed, right? I mean, the least they could do is have “Speedy” be the mascot of some dangerous diet pill. But for Alka Seltzer? Puh-leaze! He just sounds like a meth head: I mean, “Speedy”? Come on! And would you take health advice from a meth head? Of course you wouldn’t.

No, Alka Seltzer is a well known product name now, and for people to readily associate a mascot with this brand, clearly the mascot should be called “Alkie”. “Alkie” is a readily recognizable derivative from Alka, so it’s perfect. And the fact that “Alkie” is a slang term for an alcoholic is also perfect! Because what is Alka Seltzer normally used for? It’s hangovers and overindulgence, isn’t it? So then a mascot called “Alkie” would be ideal! (Plus, it would serve to explain why Alka Seltzer makes all those bubbles: because cartoon characters who are drunk always have bubbles emanating from their head. Remember?) He could act all hung-over, take Alka Seltzer, and feel all better. And that would serve as a demonstration, rather than just an unsubstantiated claim.

Here is a current television ad with Speedy:

And here’s an old one:

Cold-Eeze TV Ad

I was watching the news the other night, and as I walked into the kitchen for a moment, I heard a commercial for Cold-Eeze, and I heard a voice say: “I’m dead carcass, and I recommend Cold-Eeze.” (Or some such thing: I’m paraphrasing, as I don’t remember the exact quote.) I was shocked! Surely I should not take the medical advice of a dead carcass, right? Maybe he’s dead because he took Cold-Eeze, and he’s mad, so he’s trying to get me to die the same way, because “misery loves company”. Oh, but then it turned out that it was the CEO of the company, and his name is actually “Ted Karkus”; but it sounded so much like “dead carcass”, it made me think: If you are selling health-related products, and your name sounds like “dead carcass”, maybe you shouldn’t speak your name in the commercials, or else maybe you should consider changing your name. But it’s just a suggestion.

Here’s a Cold-Eeze ad with dead, um, that is, Ted’s Carcass:

Military Cuts: An Alternative?

As we all know, there is a very large cut in military spending coming down the road. And lots of military commanders and political surrogates are spinning furiously in an attempt to keep it from happening. Well, it doesn’t have to happen, no matter who wins the upcoming election. How can we avoid it? Well, it’s easy…

All we have to do is this: We could send out a message to all the countries of the world, saying that we’re being forced to make drastic cuts to our military budget, and that means our weapons might not be as reliable as before: after all, you get what you pay for, right? So if any of our nuclear missiles accidentally launch on them and destroy their country, please don’t blame us. Of course, if they’d like to ensure that doesn’t happen, they could make a donation to the United States military, and maybe we can make sure that sort of thing doesn’t happen. But otherwise, we can’t make any promises.

Wow, think of all the money we could collect! We’d only have to accidentally destroy like maybe one country, and they’d all get scared and help us pay for all of our budget deficits. I mean, right? Then we’d never have to reform anything! And at the rate we’re going, isn’t this really a more realistic strategy to avoid default than trusting our elected officials to act?

(Naturally, this is just a joke. But hey, if we could make other countries afraid of this scenario, maybe they would buy lots of missile shields from us, and we could still get the money!)

Monday, October 22, 2012

John King at the Magic Wall

John King: what a jerk. He’s got a magic wall, and what does he do with it? He just shows political statistics shown in a ridiculously silly way! Why doesn’t he use the magic wall to fix the economy, or to achieve world peace, or at the very least to pull a rabbit out of it for us? At least that would be entertaining.

What a waste! I know CNN has lost a lot of viewers, and maybe this is why: priorities. I mean, since they have a magic wall, shouldn’t they use it for good, rather than for stupid bullsh!t? But it’s just an idea.

This is the King and his Magic Wall (Is this the wall Humpty Dumpty fell off of? I didn't know John King had horses. Well, they're incompetent at putting stuff back together anyway.):