Thursday, February 28, 2013

Ady Gil World Conservation Carnivore Guilt Trip Ad

This spot for, um, I guess it’s some vegan group or something (?), shows kids sitting down for dinner, and they’re cutting into pieces of meat, and the shot of the meat then cuts away to a shot of horrible animal mistreatment footage from some dirty abattoir somewhere, and then it cuts back to the kid looking at the piece of meat on their fork. It’s quite a powerful ad, serving its propaganda purpose quite well: meat eaters are all guilty of the mistreatment of a few animals caught on video tape in some undercover sting, as well as the murder of animals for food, etc. And while I like meat, I really don’t like factory farms or cruelty to animals. Like Temple Grandin said (I am paraphrasing): “We raise these animals for our food, so we owe them some respect.”* And we definitely owe them good treatment while they are alive, especially since they give everything for us.

But despite this TV spot packing a serious wallop, in my opinion they miss the opportunity to really let it sink in by lacking a powerful slogan. They have some text in the ad, but I don’t think it works as well as it could. I think they should have shown the footage of the ad, and then written on a title card: “See Food Differently.” That’s a play on the slogan for Red Lobster (theirs is: “Sea Food Differently”), and it would really stick in people’s minds, I think. I actually thought this slogan up as an (spec) ad for PeTA (who I make fun of a lot on here because they sometimes do very silly things, but I respect their mission a lot even if I am a devoted meat eater) a few months ago, using a similar kind of visual motif: show someone looking at meat on their plate, and then cut the shot to the living animal (only in mine, the animal was looking cute), and then back to the diner, etc., so I really think they’re onto something here (although by showing us such horrible footage, they might risk turning some people off to their message; and after all, most meat eaters do not condone such factory farm abuses as shown here, so they might get defensive rather than sympathetic, which could be counter-productive and defeat the purpose of the ad). It’s just lacking that one crucial element: a snappy, memorable slogan. And I think “See Food Differently” would be the perfect slogan to use for this kind of thing.

Now I doubt that an ad like this will make most carnivores consider going vegan, but it might make them want to act to help with a free-range livestock movement. I wish all meat was free range, and I don’t see why it isn’t. Wouldn’t it cost less to stop using all those antibiotics and hormones, and wouldn’t that offset the cost of expanding the amount of land used for the animals? I’d think so. And anyway, couldn’t the government appropriate some extra land where it’s necessary out in the wilderness? I thought the government owned lots and lots of land out in the country.

Here’s the long version of the ad (I saw a much shorter version on CNN tonight) (WARNING: This is difficult to watch, so viewer discretion is advised!):

* The actual Temple Grandin quote is (according to Wikipedia): “I think using animals for food is an ethical thing to do, but we’ve got to do it right. We’ve got to give those animals a decent life, and we’ve got to give them a painless death. We owe the animal respect.”

Gun Trade-Ins

We all know the gun lobby mantra of: “Guns don’t kill people, people kill people.” But they also say that if guns were illegal, murderers would just use something else to kill their victims with. But how can we verify the veracity of this statement?

Well, I think I may have thought of a way we can see if they’re telling the truth. You know how the police have these gun buyback programs from time to time? Well, instead of giving money for the guns, why not trade them in for other lethal weapons that are not guns? Then gun owners could trade their guns in for Samurai swords, chain saws, switchblades, machetes, axes, baseball bats with nails sticking out all over them, big-bladed kitchen knives, Chinese throwing stars, nunchucks, etc. Then the police could just enter data into a spreadsheet over the next decade to see if any of the weapons they traded for guns were used to kill anyone, and that would show if the statement is correct that killers will use other weapons without guns.

Oh, but they’d actually have to come and take everyone’s guns, because we couldn’t be sure that the future murderers would trade in their guns. Hmm, I never thought of that. Oh well, I guess we’re just going to have to take the NRA’s word for it.

Splash (The New TV Show)

During the Oscars, I saw an ad for an upcoming TV reality show about stars learning to high dive. It’s called Splash, and the ad’s tagline said: “The stars will fall!” Well, that got me thinking, how about a reality TV show for America’s most hated celebrities, where it would teach them how to defuse bombs and IEDs, and they’d blow themselves up? Then the tagline for the show’s promo ad could be: “Watch the stars go supernova!” or: “Watch the stars explode!” And since this diving show has the same title as a famous movie (Splash), they could do the same and call this bomb show: Blow Up.

Tyco Integrated Security Transformer Ad

Tyco Integrated Security has a new commercial with Steve Young as the spokesman which includes a corporate minivan that becomes a Transformer (which is funny, seeing as how the toy company Tyco made a Transformers slot-car track set years ago), and the Transformer demonstrates all the ways they can help businesses with security, i.e.: security cameras, access control pads, fire & intrusion protection, etc.

This is a really fun way of showing us what they can do, but there’s a potential problem with this presentation. What’s that? Well, how do we know this Tyco Transformers minivan isn’t actually a Decepticon in disguise? And if it’s a Decepticon, it could use your business as a means to infiltrate humanity and destroy the Earth! (Oh, the humanity!) So, just to be on the safe side, maybe we ought to stick with a company that isn’t possibly run by the Decepticons. The planet you save may be your own.

Here’s the Tyco transformer security spot:

Geico Digital Insurance ID Card Ad

In this silly ad from Geico, our stalwart pig hero Maxwell gets pulled over by the “pigs” (oh, the irony!), and the policeman asks for his info, and he shows his insurance ID card on his smartphone. (It’s funny, because I thought they usually asked for license and registration, but I guess that doesn’t work so well for an insurance ad, so we get this fantasy scenario where the cops ask for the insurance ID card first. Oh, and where there’s a pig driving a car too, I guess. I mean, a literal one.) But what if his smartphone’s battery died just then? Why, then he couldn’t show his proof of insurance, and he’d get arrested and sent to jail, where other hardened criminals would ask him to “squeal like a pig” (!!). So just in case, maybe he ought to carry around the paper insurance ID card.

Here’s the piggy that goes: “My Geico insurance ID card is digital”:

BTW: It is a little known fact that it’s this harassment by the police that causes Maxwell to go insane and start killing people with silver hammers, like in the Beatles’ song about him.

For those of you who don’t know what I’m referring to here, it’s this:

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Scandals Resorts

Sandals Resorts, seeing a new niche in the vacation market, is trying a new spin on resort strategies by catering to the scandal fan market. The new venture, called Scandals Resorts, will place ads in all the scandal rag magazines and related websites, and hire as their guests’ entertainment bona fide D-List celebrities to engage in (pre-scripted) scandalous activities played out live in front of vacationers. Plus, a traveling drama troupe will act out all the latest scandal rag headlines each day and night! It’s the perfect vacation for lovers of celebrity turpitude and its resultant schadenfreude! Book your trip today!

Plus, as an added bonus, if you book your trip today, they will hire a surprise disgraced politician to give a speech just for your tour group! Just think of it: It might be John Edwards, Eliot Spitzer, Mark Foley, or any number of disgraced politicians caught in embarrassing scandals! That’s Scandals Resorts: Book your stay today!

(I keep seeing ads for Sandals Resorts during the news, which these days is so filled with scandals, so I couldn’t resist presenting this silly holiday resort concept.)

Ocuvite “Would You Take It?” Ad

A TV ad for a vitamin designed to help with eye health starts with a person asking:

“If there was a pill to help protect your eye health as you age, would you take it?”

And then they say: “Well, what if it belonged to someone else? Would you still take it?”

And then they say: “And what if by taking it, it would end up making the person you took it from blind? Would you still take it? You would? You selfish jerk! Shame on you!”

Okay, it doesn’t really say the stuff after the first quote at the top. But maybe it should?

And maybe it should also say: “Well, what about if it made you pregnant with the Antichrist? Oh, my God; are you really that selfish? Holy sh!t, you maniac! And just so you could see better? Wow! Unbelievable.”

Well, this might not seem like the best strategy to you, adding in all these extreme things; but it sure would get everyone’s attention, wouldn’t it? You wouldn’t be likely to forget about Ocuvite then, I’ll bet!

Here’s the interrogative eye vitamin ad:

Bud Light Platinum Gold into Platinum Ad

I think this ad was new for the 2012 Super Bowl. It’s the one where we see a factory pouring metal into a mold and out comes the blue bottle of the Bud Light Platinum brand, and then it gets filled with beer. And the announcer talks about how for hundreds of years, men have sought to turn lead into gold, but now they’re turning gold into platinum. But this is a light beer, so it’s really more like they’re trying to turn lead into platinum, isn’t it? (Oh, and that would be diluted lead, too. And perhaps even more diluted than usual, according to a class action lawsuit against Budweiser filed in California recently. But then again, if you’re drinking light beer, can you really complain about it being watered down? Isn’t that how they make light beer?)

(In this spot, the engraving robot arm writes the word “platinum” backwards, so at one point it says: “latinum”, and I thought that might make it the perfect light beer for Star Trek, especially in its lovely blue bottle.)

Here’s the alchemical aspiration advertisement:

International Polar Bear Day

CNN Reports that it’s International Polar Bear Day today, and that the people behind International Polar Bear Day want us all to adjust the temperature in our homes down a few degrees today, with the goal of decreasing carbon emissions. Well, I live in Los Angeles, California, and today it’s going to be 75 degrees. So, um, should I turn on my air conditioner? I don’t see how that reduces carbon emissions. But hey: they asked, so I guess I’ll turn on the AC for the polar bears.

But that’s when I realized: half of the world is in the middle of summer right now, and so their request that we all lower the temperatures in our homes must have some alternate purpose (!). And that’s when it hit me: They’re trying to get us to make our homes cold so that the polar bears can feel comfortable when they come to eat us! I knew it! (The truth is that the worst thing for the environment is overpopulation of the planet, because it causes an overuse of everything: too many emissions, too much deforestation, too much pollution, too much overfishing of the oceans, too much waste, etc. So maybe it would be good for the environment to have the polar bears come eat some of us. I mean, uh, some of you.)

(If these people really love polar bears, why not swim up to the arctic and let the polar bears eat them? That would help the polar bears, right? And then we wouldn’t have to turn on our air conditioners and release more emissions.)

Pope Benedict’s Ring

When the new Pope is elected, Pope Benedict XVI’s ring will be defaced and then destroyed. But that’s no fun! I was hoping that now that he’s retiring, he could go out and punch people in the forehead, leaving a reverse-Pope’s-ring’s fisherman image impression in their face, like with what Rick James did to Charlie Murphy (as seen on Chappelle’s Show). He could do that to guys like Cardinal Mahony when they show up to vote for the new Pope. (Or could he keep the ring long enough to at least do that?)

Here’s the clip of Rick James and Charlie Murphy from Chappelle’s Show:

The Two Popes: New TV Sitcom?

Hey, with Pope Benedict XVI retiring but staying within the Vatican, and a new Pope being elected, there will be two Popes! And just think of all the hilarious hijinks that could ensue! This could be the makings of a classic new Catholic TV sitcom!

That’s right: The new Pope is making edicts, and the old Pope looks on disapprovingly. Oh, the generation gap jokes will run fast and furious, gaining loads of fans, and causing them to assemble into two rival factions: the octogenarians and up, and the septuagenarians and down. It will be like All in the Family, with the conservative older Pope Emeritus calling the new younger liberal Pope: “meathead” and a hippy”, clearing his throat in disapproval at each new policy, etc. And to get back at him for all the criticism, the new Pope can demand that the Pope Emeritus publicly kiss his ring, which he grumblingly agrees to do. It will be hours of fun for the whole congregation to enjoy!

Yes, that’s The Two Popes: coming soon to a TV set near you!

(Or maybe it should be called: All in the Vatican?)

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Bloomberg Soda Ban Propaganda Film

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has banned sodas sold in cups larger than 16 ounces, and now he’s banned people from buying 2-liter bottles of soda with delivery pizzas, which are usually part of a low-priced package deal for families. Now I know that this seems like the ridiculous strictures of an asinine little self-appointed namby-pamby dictator, but this is a serious threat to humanity which Mayor Bloomberg is saving us all from. And to prove that’s exactly what’s truly going on here, hizzonah the billionaire mayor is bankrolling the making of a monster movie like Godzilla, but with a giant, 50-story-tall 32 ounce soda attacking New York City, knocking down buildings, spraying soda everywhere and flooding the city, drowning us all in its sticky sugary goodness, and of course, threatening our children with obesity (!!!). So look for this exciting thrill-ride, coming to a theater near you (if you’re a resident of New York City)! (Oh, and I probably don’t need to tell you, but I might as well tell you anyway, that attending the movie is compulsory, so you’ll go see it whether you like it or not, just like with every other arbitrary whimsical dictatorial mandate that strikes Mayor Bloomberg’s fancy. But it’s for your own good, so you’d better appreciate it or else!)

Amityville Horror Demon Interview

I saw the movie The Amityville Horror again recently, and it made me want to see an interview with the demon behind the alleged hauntings. They could ask it why it possesses this home, and it could say: “Are you kidding? It’s a beautiful house in a great location, right on the water and with a nice view! All I had to do was cause some mayhem in there and the price dropped so low, even I could afford it! But once I bought it, you don’t think I’m just going to let another family movie into my home, now do you? I mean, would you let someone else movie into your house? No way!”

Samsung Galaxy Two Phones Oscars Ad

In this spot for the Samsung Galaxy smartphone, someone at work gets hassled for having two cell-phones: one for personal use, and one for work. The reasoning given is that one has a better camera, or something like that, and that now the Samsung Galaxy is so good at everything, it’s stupid to have two separate cell-phones for personal and business uses.

But the truth is, that’s not usually why people have two cell-phones, now is it? Isn’t it really because many companies claim the right to be able to look at all of your pictures and emails and texts and stuff, and sometimes people get in trouble for the stuff they’re doing on their business phones, like sexting, etc.? We keep hearing about this sort of thing happening with government people, where they get caught sexting or something on their work phone, and it becomes a scandal. So maybe Samsung is using this ad campaign for trying to get even more people into trouble like this because they love these scandalous news stories?

(Sorry, I can’t seem to find this ad online. They had a number of ads on the Oscars, and I can’t seem to be able to find this specific one, but it had a woman with two cell-phones being treated like she was dense for still having a work phone and a personal phone.)

Hyundai Sonata Hybrid Dying Batteries Ad

In this commercial for their hybrid Sonata, Hyundai shows a series of situations where people’s battery-operated devices stop working due to a dying battery, and then they say that with the Hyundai Sonata Hybrid, there’s one less battery to worry about. Well, their claims of rigorous testing notwithstanding, I really feel I must point out something about their claim here: If a battery dies in any of the other items shown in this ad, it’s easy enough to put a new one in, even though it may be a slight pain in the ass. Many people buy an extra rechargeable battery with their important things like cell-phones and cameras just in case this happens. Plus, it’s not that big of a deal if your camera doesn’t take a picture, unless it’s for a job, and the same goes with the other tools we see with the battery dying here. But if the battery dies in your Sonata Hybrid, I’d be willing to bet that you’re not going to have a spare to replace it with, and you’ll be stuck without a car until you can get it towed to the Hyundai dealership for the installation of a new battery, which probably isn’t cheap! And if it dies while you’re driving out in the middle of nowhere… Well, you get the picture. So while this ad is clever and funny and everything, a hybrid-electric car battery dying is a much bigger cause for alarm that’s a hell of a lot harder and more expensive to replace than any of the other batteries we’re considering in the other scenarios here, so it’s really not an honest comparison. (But it’s a cute ad nonetheless.)

Here’s the dying battery collage commercial:


Yes, the Pope (Benedict) is retiring, and you know what that means, right? It means he’ll be living within the Vatican City walls, and he will be immune to prosecution and extradition and subpoenas, etc., in relation to all the sex abuse scandals he knows so much about. And this is what I would call the “Pope-a-dope” strategy. He’s playing incapacitated behind a wall of immunity so we can’t reach him. It’s a brilliant plan for him, but maybe not so nice for those demanding answers and restitution for past abuses and the church’s active role in covering up and enabling such horrific crimes for so long.

Monday, February 25, 2013

Fast Food Revolution

Hey, America loves fast food, right? So why not have a movie about the American Revolution using fast food company advertising characters/mascots? It would be perfect! Here’s how it would work:

The Burger King (and the Dairy Queen) would push us too far here in the American colonies with their monarchal oppression, and so heroic Mayor McCheese would encourage all the fast food characters to band together to fight for independence! Wendy would sew up a new American flag, Ronald McDonald would keep the kids entertained and raise everyone’s morale with all his clowning around, Jack in the Box would plan a surprise attack, and the Noid would engage in sabotage against the enemy while the Hamburglar stole all the enemy’s food and weapons. And the Godfather (from Godfather’s Pizza) would use his mob to covertly attack the enemy and smuggle weapons and supplies to our armed forces on the front lines. And of course Little Caesar would lead the troops of Grimace, Chuck E. Cheese, the Taco Bell Chihuahua, the Wienerschnitzel wiener, Popeye, the Panda from Panda Express, El Pollo Loco’s crazy chicken, Roy Rogers, the Five Guys, etc. (Caesar was a brilliant military strategist, and being little would give him a Napoleon complex so he’d be twice as aggressive!) And, last but not least, Long John Silver would ambush the enemy’s navy on the high seas!

Just think of it! Everyone would be a winner, and the battle would be won in 30 minutes or less, or else we’re free!

And in this way, fast food companies could show us that they’re just as American as Marie Callender’s (or a McDonald’s) Apple Pie, and the government push against fast food as unhealthy would look positively unpatriotic! (It’s the only way to push back for fast food chains, unless they want to start serving healthier food, which would be treason against The American Way, which is to Super Size It!)

CNN’s Rave Music

For a while now, CNN has been using this wild electronic dance music in the mornings that reminds me of rave music from the 1990s, specifically like what I would have expected to hear at Spundae. Every time a former club kid hears this music, I wonder if they reflexively reach for a bump of “K” and their glow sticks? Who knows, maybe all the CNN anchors are former ravers, and that’s why they requested this kind of music.

Splatterday Night Fever: A New Zombie Musical?

Hey, now that we’ve had a zombie romance movie in Warm Bodies, isn’t the next logical step to have a zombie musical with disco dancing? It could make the music and fashions of the ‘70s rise from their graves and attack contemporary styles. It would be glorious!

Diet Coke Hollywood Oscars Ad

I think they used this same ad for last year’s Oscars. It shows the behind-the-scenes shots for a (purported) movie shoot, and it shows cans and bottles of Diet Coke everywhere: in people’s hands, being fed to actors through straws while they get their wardrobe fitted, littering the backs of set flats, etc. This is kind of fun and interesting, showing the back story of film production in bits and pieces, and then trying to associate it with Diet Coke (or, more to the point, trying to make us associate it with Diet Coke). But what it makes me think of is that a more accurate story might show us how skinny actresses have to replace eating proper meals with drinking Diet Coke so that they can stay slim enough to fit into those tiny costumes and keep getting hired for movie roles.

Here’s the Coke-as-Hollywood-star story:

AT&T U-verse Wireless Receiver Slumber Party Ad

Here’s another example of the AT&T U-verse “kids have it too easy these days” ad campaign TV spots. I kind of like this idea, basically using this joke about someone who is still young complaining about how far home entertainment technology has come in recent years as expository dialogue to tell us about the features that AT&T offers its customers. It’s cute, although unfortunately not all of the ads come off as well as they could. (But this one is pretty cute.)

But what these petulant older kids ought to do, to get revenge for not having this great stuff when they were younger, is say: “But you’ll see, this won’t last! The economy is in the crapper, and with America’s debt crisis mounting up, and with taxes and prices rising dramatically while the value of the dollar is plummeting, pretty soon we won’t be able to afford U-verse anymore, and then you’ll be stuck reading boring books again! Mwa ha ha! You’ll see, just wait!”

Here’s the slumber partying spot:

A Vampire and a Wizard Walk Onstage at the Oscars…

Last night at the Oscars, Kristen Stewart and Daniel Radcliffe joined together to present one of the awards, leading Seth MacFarlane to joke that together they represented everything the religious right thinks is wrong with Hollywood. I like that joke (I believe the two of them were specifically paired together just for that one joke.), but it’s not really true. Yes, the religious right complained about vampires and wizards being evil things which promote Satanism or something, but it’s hardly their biggest complaint (not that I’m an expert, however…). No, for them to truly represent everything the religious right thinks is wrong about Hollywood movies, they should have come out, said: “Hail Satan!”, used drugs, ripped their clothes off, had sex in a non-missionary position while making a profanity-laced anti-gun speech, and then revealed that they are both gay married to other people. I think that might have just about covered it. (Right? Let’s see, there’s evil, anti-Christian religiosity, nudity, drug use, “naughty” sex, “adult” language, gun control, homosexuality, gay marriage, and last but not least, infidelity, and the glamorization of all of the above. I’m not expert on conservative pet peeves about Hollywood, but I’d think that’s probably most of them right there.)

Maybe they did that in the Internet-only extra footage for the Oscars? No? How about maybe for next year?

Sunday, February 24, 2013

The Haunted McMansion

We all know about the wonderful Disneyland ride: The Haunted Mansion. But you know, it’s kind of getting old. So why not make a new ride that’s a lot more zeitgeist-y with the recent housing market crash? And with everyone recently building McMansions that sit unsold, wouldn’t this be the perfect setup for a new story? Plus, everyone would understand the storyline. It would go something like this:

Some overextended real estate speculator or securities trader would buy a small house in a very upscale neighborhood and, constricted by its small property line, build a ridiculously overbuilt monstrosity on the tiny lot: a brand new McMansion. Oh, but then the housing crash and the credit crunch happen, and the new house is worth nothing compared to what it was supposed to be, and with credit companies being a lot more strict about loans, nobody is in the market for it either, at any price. So, overextended and desperate, the builder commits suicide and haunts the place, and presto: an instantly socially relevant haunted house theme park ride! Plus, it would have the double horrors of a haunting and the horrifyingly gauche amenities and design sensibilities of a McMansion!

(Or else it could be a ride in a McDonald’s theme park, showing an old abandoned McDonald’s being haunted by the ghosts of its old dead advertising characters, like Mayor McCheese, the Hamburglar, Grimace, etc.)

I can hardly wait! I hope the next haunted house ride I go on is: The Haunted McMansion!

A Midlife Crisis James Bond?

Hey, James Bond movies have been around for years and years, but somehow he never seems to age. How about a midlife-crisis James Bond movie, just to make all of us lame middle aged guys feel cool? That way he could drive lots of super hot cars, shoot lots of big guns, carry around lots of cool gadgets, drink only the most expensive champagne, try to grab the attention of lots of hot women with scripted pickup lines: you know, just like a midlife-crisis guy would do! Oh, but that’s what the movies are already like anyway, aren’t they? Oh, uh, never mind…

Postal Service Clothing Line

If news stories are to be believed, the US Postal Service is creating a fashion line. Supposedly it’s going to be called: “Rain, Heat & Snow”, due to the Post Office Creed carved above the entrance of the New York City James Farley Post Office: “Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.” (From what I understand, this inscription, translated from ancient Greek, was put on the building by the architects, and not actually commissioned by the Post Office. But it stuck all the same.) But is this really the best idea for a Post Office fashion line?

The Post Office already has an even better known idiom for the recent times: “Going Postal”. So why not call the fashion line: “Go Postal”? That way it could be marketed as clothing for edgy people living dangerously. And who knows, maybe if everyone who did a spree shooting (like “Going Postal” was originally coined to refer to) bought something from them first, perhaps the Post Office could finally break even again. Because as we all know, there have been a ridiculous number of spree shootings recently. (But that’s really more due to the ridiculously over-saturated news media coverage of these events. So maybe it ought to be called “CNNing”. If it were called that, maybe the news people would stop denying their role in encouraging these events and actually be responsible for a change. {But probably not. Because after all, for every spree shooting, up go their ratings.})

But although this is all just a joke, if they called their clothing line “Go Postal”, they could use the slogan: “The street clothes with street cred.” And for a TV ad, they could show Travis Bickle wearing his green fatigue jacket (with a new superimposed logo) saying: “You talkin’ to me?” I’ll bet a lot of disaffected youths would buy this brand if they really made it, even though most of them would never actually hurt anyone. They just want to seem dangerous, and this brand name would most certainly help with that.

Here’s the Post Office clothing post:

Darth Vader Sings Simon & Garfunkel

I woke up in the middle of the night last night, and the line: “Hello darkness my old friend” from the Simon & Garfunkel song: “The Sound of Silence” came to me. And then it struck me that it might be an especially appropriate song for Darth Vader to sing in the shower some time, seeing as how he likes the dark side. (He probably keeps his helmet on in the shower, I’ll bet.)

Canada Tries to Muscle in on America’s Glory Again over “Argo”

Just when you think finally America will get to take credit for something, in swoops Canada to snatch the victory from her jaws again. Yes, Canada is mad that they didn’t get all the credit for the heroic stuff in the movie Argo, and just because they risked their lives and stuff. Whatever, Canada! Can’t you guys ever do stuff for the right reason, rather than grasping for glory and attention at every turn?

It would be bad enough if Canada didn’t always go around exclaiming: “Canada #1!” all the time, but seriously, Canada: don’t you think you guys hog enough of the credit for military and intelligence op victories as it is? Can’t you let America claim credit just this once? I mean really, Canada! This is why all your citizens always have to travel around Europe with the American flag sewn onto their backpacks!

(Just kidding, Canada! Thank you for saving our people! I guess Ban Affleck is still mad about you guys winning the gold medal in hockey in the last Olympic Winter Games. {Maybe he had money on the gold medal final game?})

Here’s Canada’s glory grasp:

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Don’t Throw the Baby Out with the Bath Water!

I hear this expression a lot, most recently in the CNN debates about a couple of recent high profile murder cases: People shouldn’t throw the baby out with the bath water. But who does that sort of thing anyway? It seems like a ridiculous expression to me.

First of all, I can’t even get a baby to fit through the drain in my bathtub. I’ve tried and I’ve tried and it just won’t work. So clearly these people don’t just let their bath water drain down the drain like a normal person with indoor plumbing. I guess they must, what, put it little-by-little into a pitcher and toss it into a dumpster? Because I doubt my pitcher would fit a baby in it either. Maybe I need a bigger one? But they must be doing something like that, because otherwise the expression would be: “Don’t let the baby go down the drain with the bath water”, right?

But seriously: Who throws out their bath water? Shouldn’t we recycle it?

No, if we want to discourage people from throwing babies away, the least we could do is use an idiom that makes sense so they won’t just laugh at us and throw the baby out anyway out of spite.

New Superheroes Coming Soon to Washington State!

Yes, radioactive waste is reportedly leaking from tanks at a Washington State nuclear site, but don’t worry: Governor Jay Inslee says it’s just enough nuclear waste to create a few new superheroes, and there is no danger whatsoever (unless you’re a super villain)!

Here’s the leaked story:

Oscar Pistorius Legal Defense, Plan B

Oscar Pistorius, the “Blade Runner”, was let out on bail yesterday despite having a quite unrealistic and unreasonable version of events in the shooting death of his girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp. Yes, he shot her, but she was supposed to be a burglar, or something. You see, he meant to kill someone else he had trapped in the bathroom.

Well, there are a lot of questions and problems and inconsistencies with Mr. Pastorius’s version of his shooting and killing her, and many people are beginning to poke holes in the story. But it looks like the “justice” system over there is doing its best to be flexible for their national hero, so perhaps they’ll let him wriggle out of his initial statement. After all, it all happened so fast, it hardly gave him any time to come up with an excuse. I mean, he was confused, and maybe he didn’t remember everything that way it really happened. So maybe he’ll get another shot at this defense strategy.

Well, if he gets another shot at concocting a story, I think I have just the thing! It seems the court is happy to give him a lot of leeway, so why not go off in another direction entirely to explain why he shot Ms. Steenkamp to death last week? And I’d say the more off-the-wall the better, just in case it looks like he might have to do jail time, so maybe he can claim insanity! Here’s how this might work:

His lawyers must tell the court that the initial version of events was inaccurate, and it was inaccurate because he couldn’t tell them the truth, because it’s classified (!). But he has to tell them now, since it’s imperative he stay out of jail and retain the use of his firearms. You see, he isn’t actually called the “Blade Runner” because of his race running career and his use of prosthetic carbon-fiber legs (nicknamed “blades”): he only started doing all of that for cover to distract everyone from the truth, which is that he’s actually a real Blade Runner like from the movie Blade Runner, and it’s his sworn duty to hunt down and kill replicants. And the most effective way for him to do this is to get involved in a romantic relationship with them, and then shoot them down at his home so they can’t escape, and then fabricate a story about being afraid of burglars breaking in. In fact, the whole thing about his being a victim of break-ins and such and being paranoid about crime and having guns for self-protection is just a cover story concocted by the United Nations’s Bureau of Replicant Annihilation (or BRA) to lay the foundation for this defense so that he can get away with the killing and seduce and kill the next replicant. And that’s why they’ve got to exonerate him and let him go, because there are more dangerous replicants out there threatening humanity! (You can always tell a replicant because they’re way more attractive and accomplished than most everyone else, and also because they end up dead in his house, because he’s a Blade Runner.)

And if he uses this story as his criminal defense, I believe that he will either be released, or at the very least, declared insane, in which case he’ll be put under house arrest, and suspected replicants will be delivered to his house so he can continue his critical mission unabated.

BTW: I apologize if this comes across as too flip for some readers, but this reflects how ridiculous his version of events seems to me to be. I’m mocking that, and not Ms. Steenkamp, for whom I hope there will be some justice, although it’s not looking very promising at the moment. Whether he killed her in a cold-blooded premeditated manner, or he killed her intending to kill someone else, he still killed her, and that’s still a serious crime. But I am lampooning his story, because frankly I find it risible, as well as the story put forth by the police. I wasn’t there, so I don’t know what happened, but I believe I have a fairly good, well-reasoned theory of what I think likely happened, and it goes something like this:

Pistorius and Steenkamp got into a heated argument in the early hours of Feb. 14th (Valentine’s Day), and based upon his quick and extreme temper, Pistorius hit or slapped her. (He has threatened a man with breaking his legs over a woman before, according to the news, and according to police and Wikipedia, he slammed a door into a woman at his house before, bringing the police and a charge of assault, which was later dropped, my guess at the arm-twisting of someone representing Pistorius or the South African athletic interests.) And seeing as how Reeva Steenkamp was an activist for women’s rights and against domestic violence, she likely said that he can’t do that to her, and just wait until she tells everyone about this, whereupon she ran into the bathroom with her cell phone and locked herself in. His prosthetic legs weren’t on yet, so he had to put them on, and he grabbed his gun and followed her into the bathroom. Well, seeing as how his image was possibly about to be shattered and his sponsorship deals lost, etc., in the heat of the moment Pistorius thought quickly: “Just Do It”, and that his best course of action would be to shoot her and to use the excuse that he thought it was a burglar, based upon his well-known crime victim status and his well-publicized fear of break-ins and his home arsenal for such a purpose. So he shot through the door, and being unable to be sure he had killed her, he broke through the door and shot her through a broken-in panel (hence the shell casing in the toilet: the shell casing could not very well have rolled underneath the crack in the door and then leapt up and into the toilet on its own, so it must have been fired through an open section of the door; it doesn’t make sense any other way). Then, after being sure she was shot in the head enough to kill her, he went through the motions of trying to save her, etc.

This is not an accusation, but rather, this is the version of events that makes sense to me based upon the circumstances and the evidence we’ve been presented with so far. And this would be second-degree murder, not first-degree murder; the police screwed the pooch on this case by over-charging Pistorius, and as such, their story lacked credibility also, and so bail was granted, and Pistorius may end up beating the rap and walking. And if that happens, there is no justice for Reeva, and no closure for her family. And that would be ridiculously unjust, because he’s guilty of killing her no matter what the particulars are of how it happened (which is odd, because our news people keep saying he is accused of killing her, when he is actually accused of murder: he already admitted to killing her). But because he’s such a national hero, he might just get special treatment.

Of course, it is absolutely possible that things happened exactly like he said. Between his paranoia of home invasion, the noise of bringing the fan inside, him being half awake and possibly under the influence of alcohol from earlier, it could have been a tragic accident, as unlikely as it seems. Stranger things have definitely happened. And supposedly this is a sad fact of homes with guns in America: residents of the house are supposedly statistically far more likely to become victims of the guns in their own homes than to be protected by them. And while I support gun rights, their potential for tragedy weighs heavily upon society, and never more heavily than upon the shoulders of those whose own firearms, bought for protection, have killed the ones they love most.

Friday, February 22, 2013

Spite: The Soft Drink

Yes, from the makers of Sprite, it’s new Spite Soft Drink!

Whenever someone is stealing your Sprite out of the refrigerator, simply replace it with new Spite, and they will get the unpleasant surprise of their life! That’s because Spite is made from some of the most unpleasant tasting ingredients imaginable for the perfect serving of revenge! That’s new Spite Soft Drink! It looks a lot like Sprite, but it tastes a lot different!

“Spite Soft Drink: Revenge is not only sweet, it’s also refreshing!”™

To Work Like A Dog

I keep hearing the expression: “They work like dogs”, or “They work me like a dog”, but is this expression really apropriate? I’ve known many dogs in my day, and none of them were particularly hard workers. They mainly laid around on the floor, ran around and played, slept and ate. And most of the dogs I see to this day are the same way.

I mean, look: I know that there are some dogs who have jobs. There are service dogs, and they work. But do they really work like dogs? Or do we say they work like dogs simply because they are dogs? (They seem to me to work like people.) What about service cats? Do they work like dogs?

And there are also drug-sniffing dogs, of course. But they just sniff drugs all the time. Drug addicts do the same thing, and they don’t consider it work, I don’t think. No, that’s really more like partying. And how come dogs are allowed to sniff drugs when it’s illegal for the rest of us? Just because they work like dogs? That’s speciesist!

The Oscar Pistorius Valentine’s Day Gift Box

Want the perfect gift for your special someone to help make your Valentine’s Day end with a bang… and a whimper? Then try the new Oscar Pistorius Valentine’s Day Gift Box! It’s the surefire way to tell your special one: “I love you to death!”

For the gift to end all Valentine’s Day gifts, and to show her just how much you appreciate the part she plays in your life: “She deserves an Oscar!”™

(Sorry if this is “too soon”, but I’m beginning to suspect that he might just walk on this, and what’s getting lost in this whole story is that she’s just as dead no matter how it happened, and he did kill her. So he at least deserves a pointed barb to go with his bail victory.)

Oscar Pistorius Bail Hearing Gives News Reporters A Life Sentence

For anyone who cared enough to watch the final ruling on Oscar Pistorius’s bail hearing, after days of detailed testimony, they could come to no other conclusion than that the judge was punishing them all with a life sentence.

Seriously: I have been watching this for over two hours, and I still have no idea what the ruling will be. Never mind the fact that this judge guy has referred to law numbers and article numbers and section numbers (and letters thereto for them all) that mean nothing to anyone who is not from South Africa. (I’ll bet they also mean nothing to most people from South Africa as well!)

So we can really only surmise that this judge is intending to imprison us all in a web of intrigue of his own making, showing him to be, in fact, a kidnapper of celebrity news reporters and their followers. And for that, this judge obviously deserves no bail, seeing as how he is most grievously GUILTY! (He may be doing his job, but he could just tell us his ruling, but no: he has to keep everyone on the edge of their seat until they fall asleep and then frame them for the murder! {Now I see his devious plan!})

I’m only kidding, of course, but seriously: how can you not joke about such a ridiculously tortuous news conference? (I’ll bet I will still be waiting for the ruling when I’m dying!)

But really, what this judge did was to wear everyone down until they were asleep, and then, once they were unconscious, he gave his ruling and ran!

Is Taylor Swift the Worst Girlfriend Ever?

Lizbeth Scordo (the showbiz version of Lisbeth Salander), writing for Yahoo!’s celebutard offshoot OMG, asks the musical question: Is Taylor Swift the worst girfriend ever?

If you’re wondering, the answer is: “No”. In fact, on HLN, CNN’s previously respectable sister network (which is basically TMZ-meets-Court TV nowadays), some woman named Jodi Arias is being tried for the (alleged) murder of her boyfriend by shooting him in the head, stabbing him 29 times, and slitting his throat from ear-to-ear. Now, I don’t know about you, but having some pop song only tweens listen to written about me that’s perhaps somewhat embarrassing is much preferable to being horribly killed by some (alleged) psycho. But, again, that’s just me; maybe you feel differently.

Apparently Lizbeth Scordo feels differently. (Actually, I’m just kidding: For someone who writes crap about celebrity gossip like it’s the most important thing on Earth, I guess being murdered really is preferable to being publicly embarrassed in some gossipy pop song.)

Here’s the story of the worst girlfriend ever:

Or, wait; maybe this is actually worse?:

(BTW: Jodi Arias may be innocent for all I know. {Nancy Grace loves to convict people before all the evidence is in.} I wasn’t there, and I’m not really following the case, but I couldn’t help but notice some stuff. And whether she murdered the guy in cold blood or not, she certainly mutilated him, so I think she might be a worse girlfriend than a pop singer.)

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Louis Vuitton “Serious Baggage” (Joke) Ad

Two attractive, affluent men in their late 20s sit in a country club lounge drinking hoity-toity drinks and discussing sailing or some such thing, when an extremely attractive woman walks in and waves to one of the men, after which she walks back out of the lounge. So the other man asks the one she waved at: “I see you know Rachelle. Are you seeing her now?” And the other man says: “Yes, we’ve kind of hooked up recently. Isn’t she hot?” So the first guy warns his friend: “Well, you know, she’s got some serious baggage…” And the other guy says: “Yes, I know, it’s Louis Vuitton baggage! Now that’s some serious baggage!” And then the woman enters the room with a servant carrying a full set of Louis Vuitton baggage, and the words: “Louis Vuitton: Serious Baggage” appears on screen over the shot.

White House Bars Reporters from President Obama’s Golf Outing with Tiger Woods

Jay Carney confirmed Wednesday that President Obama did not allow news reporters access to a recent golf outing with Tiger Woods because “The President didn’t want to be drooled on” for his golf game due to the embarrassment of Tiger Woods seeing it in person.

The White House confirms that the news reporters’ fawning and drooling all over the president has become tedious and difficult for President Obama, especially seeing as how he cannot be re-elected to another term as president. “Just leave me alone, already! You served your purpose in spinning everything my way and getting me re-elected, but seriously: enough is enough already! I am married, you know! It’s starting to get creepy, so seriously, just get a life already!”, said the president, according to administration officials.

Republicans have already launched a probe into the high cost of the president’s dry cleaning bills due to dried saliva stains from news media reporters’ fawning. Republicans in Congress pointed out: “President George W. Bush never had such bills for dry cleaning the drool off of his suits and shining kisses and lipstick off of his shoes, so why does President Obama need so much of this kind of cleaning services? If President Bush could find a strategic way to turn the press against him to save money on cleaning bills, why can’t President Obama? This is significantly adding to the budget deficit in a time of crisis for the national debt.”

This drool stain issue has become such a problem that Scotchgard has offered President Obama an endorsement deal whereby all of his suits would be treated with Scotchgard to resist the saliva soaking and staining from the drooling of fawning news reporters, sweetening the deal with an offer of free dry cleaning for life for the stains that manage to make it through the Scotchgard. But Constitutional scholars maintain that the situation notwithstanding, accepting such a deal would be paramount to bribery, so until he’s out of the presidency, Barack Obama will simply have to grin and bear the excessive fawning and drooling of news reporters and all of the resulting consequences to his clothes.

Johnson & Johnson Hospice Nurse Window Ad

In this sweet commercial campaigning for nursing’s future, a hospice nurse caring for an elderly woman says her patient told her about a tradition in Denmark which states: “when a person dies, someone must open the window so the soul can depart.” And to make her charge feel more secure, the nurse shuts the window, saying: “Not tonight…”, suggesting that the patient will not die tonight. But is that really why she shuts the window?

Maybe the nurse really shut the window so that when the old lady dies, her soul will become trapped in the building and she’ll haunt the place forever as a malevolent spirit seeking revenge (!). And why would she do such a thing? Why, it’s because her brother runs a paranormal investigation agency that needs more ghosts for their ghost hunting reality TV show Haunted Hospices, of course! (After all, I think we’ve seen all the haunted buildings over and over enough already. We really need some new ones just to keep the genre fresh!)

Here’s the soul-trapping TV spot:

Google Glass Twitter Contest

I hear Google is going to have a contest to see who gets to try their Google Glass glasses for free before anyone else gets to buy them. The contest is for who can write the most creative tweet explaining in 15 words or less why they should get them, or what they would do with them.

How about this: “Much publicity results when I get them and then say I don’t even want them.” Or how about this one: “Please give them to me: I promise I won’t secretly sell them to Apple!” Or hey, how about this: “I can do corporate espionage for you if I get a pair.”

Killer Dates Reality Show?

On some news program last night, this alleged killer Jodi Arias had her picture put in the same little graphic box with Oscar Pistorius’s picture, so that their heads were right next to each other, kind of like they were a couple. And that made me think: “Hey! How about a reality show where accused murderers who beat the rap get matched up for dating?”

So wouldn’t that be the ultimate combination of all this tabloid murder trial fixation mixed with celebrity matchmaking? It could be called Killer Dates, and people could gamble on who would live or die, and if one killed the other, the TV show would promise to pay for some famous lawyer, like Mark Geragos or Alan Dershowitz, to defend them if they killed the other one, and to suppress as much evidence as possible aside from what the show needs for their episode.

And okay, if their lawyers got testy about the title, then how about calling it An Allegedly Killer Romance? That way everyone would know it was a romance between two alleged killers, but because “killer” can also mean “great” or “awesome”, and because we don’t know how awesome the romance might end up being, it could claim to mean something other than its implied title.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Jeep “I Love You California” Ad

Jeep has cobbled together a beautiful TV commercial for their Grand Cherokee and Wrangler Rubicon models using some ravishing footage of the gorgeous and varied natural California landscape, from the lush countryside to the barren desert to the jagged mountains to the majestic redwood forest to the lovely beaches and coastline, including a breathtaking series of panoramic shots of the Golden Gate Bridge and an affectionate drive-by shot of the Hollywood Sign. And it’s all lovingly set to the lyrics of the California State Song: “I Love You California”. (It also uses a really cool 1930s-sounding version of the song.) It also, however, claims: “If California had a ~ State SUV ~ we would be it.” But would they really?

Jeeps are great and everything, but I think we have to look at what makes California California, and a lot of that is left-wing politics and environmentalism. So, unless they make mainly hybrid SUVs, I’d have to say that they probably wouldn’t really be the California State SUV. In fact, based upon what I know from living in California, I’d have to say that the California State SUV is probably the Toyota Prius. But if they made a hybrid Jeep that flaunted its environmentalism in an appropriately aggressive manner, Jeep may indeed one day truly become the official State SUV of the Hippie State. I mean, the Golden State, of course! (I don’t know what came over me there for a second…)

Here’s the California co-opting car commercial:

GMC Acadia Opera/Assassins Ad

Some guy is late to the opera, and it’s all because he has a new GMC Acadia. You see, apparently everybody always tries to kill whoever buys this SUV. I’m not sure if that’s because it gets such crappy fuel economy and as such is making the global warming warriors angry, if it’s so big that people who have to park next to it or try to see around it while driving want to get as many off the road as possible, or what. In any case, all the extra driving and stuff he has to do to escape the constant threat of continual assassination attempts on his life is the reason for his tardiness. (But his date couldn’t care less: she’s just annoyed that he’s late. {She seems so self-centered and lacking in empathy. Could that be because she’s also part of this plot to kill him? And she’s not annoyed that he’s late, so much as she’s disappointed that he’s still alive because she’s the one who put the contract out on him? [I knew it!]})

But while this guy in the ad is obviously so used to everyone he encounters trying to kill him while he’s driving this vehicle, he’s apparently become quite adept at foiling their attempts to murder him, kind of like a super-spy, I doubt I’d ever get used to everyone trying to kill me, so I think I’d prefer to buy a different car. But thanks anyway, GMC.

That was the message of the commercial, right? I mean, that they’re trying to warn us that everyone will try to kill us if we buy and/or drive the GMC Acadia. Maybe they just couldn’t live with themselves if they didn’t just come out and tell us, because otherwise they’d feel like they have blood on their hands, I suppose.

(I can’t believe anymore that I can’t even find a TV spot on the Internet if it’s running on television. Who forgot to upload it? But it’s on TV now, and I’m sure you’ll see it if you watch any TV.)

Find God’s Date Rape for You at Christian Mingle

Christian Mingle’s slogan, “Find God’s Match for You”, has always rubbed me the wrong way. It seems arrogant enough to claim to speak for God, but when they charge us money to get God’s help, it makes it seem like they’re saying God won’t help you unless you pay him some bribe money, like with the sale of indulgences in the old Catholic Church, and as such, it starts to sound like a scam. And that’s pretty distasteful.

But once God’s supposed matchmaking service starts getting people date raped, this slogan begins to seem even more distasteful, and despicable to boot. I mean, are they really suggesting that God wants some people to be date raped? Because it kind of seems like that’s what they’re saying when their clients start getting raped through their dating site and their slogan is: “Find God’s match for you.” See what I mean? It makes it look like they’re suggesting that whatever experiences you have through their dating site is God’s will. But I suppose they could say that like with everything else good that God is involved in, Satan tries to infiltrate it and ruin it for everyone to test and/or undermine our faith. (Although I doubt anyone would accept that as a suitable explanation.)

Wow, between this and the Catholic Church’s sex abuse scandal, it’s beginning to look like religious organizations are a good place to be sexually assaulted, isn’t it?

Here’s the sexually assaulting story:

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

New Grey Poupon “Pardon Me” Ad

The AP reports today that there will be a new version of the old classic Grey Poupon ad where two upper-crust Brits in Rolls Royces share a jar of Grey Poupon Dijon mustard, and in this version, the man who borrows the jar absconds with the highbrow mustard and makes his escape, only to be chased down by the angry mustard owner in a slam-bang James Bondian car chase with secret weapon gadgets and the whole nine yards. Now this is really fun and everything, and I really like this idea. But if they want to go upscale and classic on the older crowd, I think I have an idea that might just work for the PBS set: Make a Downton Abbey tie-in ad for Grey Poupon!

I’m sure that all they’d have to do at Kraft Foods is to sponsor Downton Abbey, and then they could probably get Lord Grantham himself to stop and hand a jar to some other regional aristocrat while out in the country. I mean, for an ad, of course; not as product placement. But Lord Grantham would be the perfect guy to either ask for or be asked for Grey Poupon. And I think that since the Grey Poupon ad is such a well-known and well-loved classic, fans of Downton Abbey would probably find it quite amusing to be remade like the original but with the period cars and clothes and characters of Downton Abbey.

Actually, come to think of it, perhaps a Downton Abbey Grey Poupon ad could have Matthew Crawley driving recklessly towards the end of the Season III finale, and some other aristocrat on the road honks at him, gets him to pull over, asks for some Grey Poupon, takes the jar from our young hero, and in the background we see the truck that Matthew Crawley got into the fatal car accident with (well, he drove off the road to miss hitting it and died, anyway) drive by, showing us how Grey Poupon Dijon mustard has saved his life through a twist of fate! And if too many fans are angry about Matthew Crawley’s death, then Season IV of Downton Abbey could open with his death being his wife’s nightmare, and then we cut to what really happens, which is this “ad” for Grey Poupon. (So the product placement would be what saves a beloved character’s life: perhaps a first in TV history!)

Here’s the condiment car chase commercial:

And here’s the classic condiment commercial:

EU Horsemeat Scandal PR Song Based on Mr. Ed Theme Song

I’m afraid it’s true: there’s horsemeat all over Europe in all kinds of unexpected places, leading the European Union to take drastic measures in warning the public. What they’ve decided to do is to record a new version of the theme song for the old TV show Mister Ed, an American sit-com about a talking horse, warning consumers of the possibility of horsemeat passing itself off as beef in many foods, with the lyrics:

A morsel of horse, is coarse, of course,
And no-one would want to eat horse, of course,
We feel remorse if you ate horse,
When you thought it beef instead.

We went to the source and found that horse,
Was packaged as beef which we don’t endorse,
They will be punished in due course,
Eat fish for now instead.

People snackity snack on steak,
And eat food with meat all day,
So we’ll inspect and we’ll detect,
If there’s horsemeat in food again.

A horsemeat main course, is coarse, of course,
But with regulations that we’ll enforce,
You’ll never have to be eating horse,

And we promise this:
This will be fix-ed!

Here’s the original Mister Ed theme song the EU is basing their public horsemeat warning song on:

Monday, February 18, 2013

Outgoing Pope Benedict Music Video?

Before he retires, how about a Pope Benedict music video for “Thank Heaven for Little Boys”? It would be a reworked version of “Thank Heaven for Little Girls” from the movie Gigi. And since the Catholic Church claims to be the gatekeepers to heaven, it seems like the perfect song title for their horrendous little child sex abuse scandal. And with all the extras he could get in the form of Cardinals and guilty priests, in colorful flowing robes, and filmed against the opulent backgrounds of the Vatican itself, it would seem just like a giant musical number from the movies, and subject-wise it would be the perfect exit for the man whose job it was to handle and cover up the Catholic priest sex abuse scandal as much as possible before he became the pope. Plus, he could use the profits to help compensate the victims. (Or don’t they want to do that without being sued? Actually, seeing as how the Vatican is its own country, they could beat the rap no matter what, apparently, so this might be the only way anyone could even get compensation anymore.)

Here are the new lyrics:

Thank heaven for little boys, we priests try to seduce them all all day,
Thank heaven for little boys, we molest them then we condemn the gays,

Their little eyes so helpless and appealing,
There clothes are like bananas for the peeling,

Thank heaven for them all,
To fight against us they’re too small,
We really hope they won’t tell you,
For without them what would lecherous priests do?

Thank heaven…
Please don’t tell them…
Thank heaven for little boys!

(The original version of this song, “Thank Heaven for Little Girls”, has always sounded kind of creepy to me. I’m pretty sure they didn’t intend it as such, but it can’t help but come across that way these days, with so many news stories about this kind of thing. In the movie Gigi, it was sung by an aging Maurice Chevalier, which made me think of the elderly pope, what with his retirement announced right after the HBO premiere of the documentary Mea Maxima Culpa: Silence in the House of God. {That was the movie about the sex abuse scandal in an American Catholic school for the deaf, and how the charges got covered up and quashed for so long, including a principal role by the then Cardinal Ratzinger.} After seeing it, I thought he might retire and stay in the Vatican to avoid extradition, etc., and what do you know: that’s exactly what he decided to do. That way he can never be subpoenaed. But I’m sure that has nothing to do with it whatsoever, so stop being so cynical.)

Updated Fight Club Rules

A new episode of Robot Chicken last night had a sketch about Fight Club in it, and it made me wonder some things about the rules of Fight Club. I know that the rules say we’re not allowed to talk about Fight Club. (The author and scriptwriter must have gotten special dispensation to write about it though, huh?) But are we allowed to blog about Fight Club, or tweet about Fight Club? Because Fight Club was written and made into a movie before the advent of blogs and Twitter, so I’m not clear on what the deal is. Perhaps the rules of Fight Club could use a helpful update?

Also, in the movie of Fight Club, Brad Pitt’s character, Tyler Durden (Edward Norton’s second personality), says the first and second rule of Fight Club is not to talk about Fight Club. But in doing so, he is talking about Fight Club. And by designating both the first and second rule of Fight Club as such, he talks about Fight Club twice as much as he needs to. (I guess he likes to break the rules, huh?) But doesn’t this set a bad example, by breaking this rule not once, but twice? And at every meeting, he does this again and again. So why don’t the guys say: “Well, you’re talking about it right now, so shouldn’t you get thrown out of ‘this thing’?”

I was initially wondering if perhaps Tyler Durden should refer to Fight Club as a nondescript code term, like the Mafia called their organized crime stuff “Cosa Nostra” (“Our Thing”). But then I realized that even if you are referring to it in such a way, you are still talking about it. Even if you used Pig Latin or whispered or whatever, you’d still be talking about Fight Club. So shouldn’t Durden hand out brochures, or use sign language? That’s technically not talking about it, and yet he could still communicate the message. I know this is perhaps trivial, but how can he expect anyone else to obey the rules when he doesn’t even do it himself?

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Yuri Z, M.D.

Yes, TCM is showing the sweeping communist revolution drama Doctor Zhivago this evening. I have seen a few hours at a time of this movie, but I’ve never made it through the whole thing. But you know, this movie is about a sensitive doctor who cares deeply about people in a time of political upheaval, and as such he is a heroic character. And since Obamacare is such a deeply divisive issue here in America, and it’s supported by the liberal Hollywood establishment, why not create a new medical drama TV show with a caring character helping all the repressed uninsured in America, and call it: “Yuri Z, M.D.”?

Yes, it’s Doctor Zhivago in California! And he’ll treat anyone for anything, so long as they’re uninsured! Plus, he’s married to a rich Republican woman who despises and derides the poor, and although that’s where he gets the money to run his clinic, he hates her and falls in love with a young rabble-rousing socialist nurse who pushes for all liberal causes. And despite all his good works, he still gets victimized by the local Democratic government establishment because he’s rich. So essentially it would be Doctor Zhivago in a current American climate of political division and revolutionary anti-government sentiment. And I’ll bet it would be a hit, too!

You know you want to see it: Call your local TV provider and demand Yuri Z, M.D.!

Flip This House

Well, the beloved TV show House is over, but for those of us who are still “addicted” and need our “fix”, just like Dr. Gregory House did, there’s the upcoming drama: Flip This House!

Yes, Dr. House told everyone that his leg injury was due to a paintball game that led to a later injury on the golf course (I had to look it up on Wikipedia, so I hope this is acurrate), but that was just so everyone would think he was a badass! But in truth what happened is that he was involved in NCAA college gymnastics before a serious fall injured his leg for life. He had a special high-bar move that was a double double-release backflip off the top of the bar before anyone else was doing it, but he missed the bar once, and he landed on his leg wrong, causing his lifelong leg pain. And this new TV show will show us Gregory House’s college life, helping us understand why he grew up to be the character that he did.

So in Flip This House, a young Gregory House will enter college as an eager teenager, leading to his joining the gymnastics team and learning to do tumbling, front and back flips (hence the name of the show), high bar, parallel bars, rings, and vault. Then we’ll watch his skills grow until eventually, in Season 4, he has his disastrous accident at a big NCAA gymnastics meet that leads to his lifelong leg injury, scaring all Americans out of gymnastics for years to come! And that’s why this show is being financed by Russian and Chinese backers who want to defeat the United States in gymnastics at the next Olympic Games. But never mind that: It’s Flip This House, coming to a TV set near you next year!