Friday, February 28, 2014

Hillary and Monica (and CNN)

CNN reported today on the release of the Clinton library files. Using their recently acquired brand of incisive journalism, they got to the meat of the subject, asking what young people are going to think about the Monica Lewinsky thing.

Well, I’m not young anymore, but I once was, and I’m guessing young people are going to think the following about the Monica Lewinsky issue:

Monica Lewinsky? What the hell does she have to do with anything? Hillary Clinton didn’t have sex with her: Bill did. Who cares? And what does this have to do with Hillary Clinton’s political career? Is CNN such a sexist network that Hillary should always be viewed merely as Bill Clinton’s wife, and never on her own terms? Why not talk about Hillary’s record instead? What a bunch of hypocrites, always accusing others of sexism and political incorrectness, when they’re just a bunch of scandal mongers and immature perverts, continuously sinking into the gutter and trying to spin everything for salaciousness and sensationalism! F*ck CNN, I’m watching BBC World News from now on!

Is that close? (I hope so. I’d like to think our younger generation won’t fall for all this tripe our “news” agencies spew out in lieu of cogent facts.)

CNN also mentioned that these documents had to be released by law last year, but that they’re just being released now, and they wondered if there was anything that might reflect poorly on Hillary for her presidential run. It’s funny, but the fact that they were not released on time tells me she thinks she’s above the law, and that’s worse than most of whatever else might be in there, I’d think. But apparently CNN doesn’t have much of a problem with such things. (They mentioned it, but not as if it were problematic or indicative of any character flaw. Hmm, a pass on a crime for Hillary while most of the recent coverage/air time has been obsessing over Bridgegate: partisan much, CNN?)

Here’s the story from a slightly more reliable (but still heavily partisan) source:

(You know, it’s just sad. CNN used to be the best news network. Now they’re a joke, using most of their time to hold panel discussions about offensive comments. It’s just pathetic. And it’s not really news anymore either. Thank God BBC World News just appeared as a cable news channel: they show real news, and no partisan bias, either. It’s actually a lot like CNN used to be before they became a network of partisan propaganda, political correctness and scandal rag muckraking.)

Oh, and the Monica issue being raised is obviously a smoke screen to distract from any real issues that may be there in the files to hurt Hillary’s campaign: that much is crystal clear.

Trader Ming the Merciless

Trader Joe has a few joke names for different ethnic cuisine lines, and for their line of Chinese foodstuffs, it’s Trader Ming. So I thought that if they were marketing any especially hot and spicy Chinese dishes, they should call it Trader Ming the Merciless.

California Foie Gras Possibilities?

As people in California know, foie gras was banned here because it’s so mean to geese. Of course, geese are pretty darn mean too, but that would be judgmental, so we ignore that here in the Hippie State. But what if there was a way to be able to make foie gras of goose and duck livers that wouldn’t involve being mean to the birds? Would that be permissible?

Okay, so here’s my idea: free, all-you-can-drink bars for geese and ducks. After all, it’s tiring work flying around everywhere, so I’m sure they’d love a chance to wet their whistles. Plus, by drinking all those free drinks, they’d get cirrhosis of the liver, and when they die of alcoholic hepatitis, we could make foie gras out of their livers, which would likely be in about the same condition if they’d been force-fed.

Oh, I hear some people saying that this is also inhuman; but if that’s true, then how come we allow the same thing to be done to humans? (We don’t get to make the foie gras out of people, but we certainly let people drink themselves to death all they want, so long as they’re 21 or older.)

(BTW: Maybe California should officially change its name to the Hippie State, because as the Golden State, they sound too much like Wall Street tycoons and gold investment companies.)

Also, California could provide free, all-you-can-eat corn restaurants for ducks and geese. And like with the bars, the birds would do it to themselves, glutting their livers to pate perfection, and as such, it would not be cruelty to animals, right?

New Tactics in the War on Women

We all know about the dastardly War on Women being waged by Republicans. Democrats promised not to tell us about it, but then they went and stabbed the Republicans in the back, broke their word, and told us all about it (those snitches!). But while we all know about it, there are new tactics being employed, and they’re listed in a new field manual for the War on Women I just happen to have found. Here’s a list of tactics Republicans recommend men use against women, especially wives and/or girlfriends, in their dastardly War on Women:

Leave the toilet seat up.

Don’t wash your beard stubble down the sink; leave it so it sticks around the inside of the sink and dries there.

Hog the covers in bed and snore.

Whenever women ask: “Does this make me look fat?” always say: “Yes.”

Disparage ‘women drivers’.

Constantly refer to women as “the weaker sex”.

When asked to cook or do dishes, say it’s “women’s work”.

Constantly ask: “Oh, is it ‘that time of the month’?”

Hog the TV remote and always watch sports.

Drink too much beer, belch and fart a lot.

Start a campaign to ban chocolate.

Microaggression Machines

Hey, remember Micro Machines? They were little teensy toys that had someone reading their ad copy really fast in the commercials. But they weren’t aggressive enough for everyone, and that’s why there’s the new Microaggression Machines: the toy cars that teach kids about microaggression!

Yes, actually, when you think about it, toy cars are really a microaggression about male childhood stereotypes anyway, so what better way to illustrate microaggression anyway than to use the old “boys like cars” trope? Plus, toy cars are also a microaggression about how girls aren’t usually supposed to like playing with boys’ toys, but rather with girly dolls, thus reinforcing gender roles and societal expectations based upon bigoted sexist stereotypes. I guess maybe there should be a Microaggressions Machines doll too, but it would have to be a robot secretly under the skin, because otherwise it wouldn’t be a machine (unless the whole point would be that the sexist stereotypes of women portrayed in girls’ dolls, such as Barbie, are a microaggression towards females in general, and young girls specifically).

Models include:

The Asian Smart-Mobile
The Caucasian Can’t-Dance-Mobile

These are Micro Machines:

(BTW: This is just a joke. Nobody makes Microaggression Machines… yet!)

Thursday, February 27, 2014

What Would You Do for a Klondike Bar?

There’s a new series on Discovery about the gold prospectors called Klondike, and in the promo spot, we people shooting and bribing each other, and all for gold we later see stacked up in bars. And so I thought, how about an ad for Klondike ice cream bars, and we could see all these prospectors fighting and stabbing and shooting and murdering each other for the Klondike bars. Surely then we’d all see how good they are! (No? Too violent? Damn! But with global warming, pretty soon people really will fight to the death for a Klondike bar.)

Here’s the gold (but just as easily ice cream bar) hoarding spot:


The remake of RoboCop has been a disappointment, from what I hear. That’s because it’s a remake with nothing new to offer. But how about the idea of RoboCop for a real-life repressed group that’s being attacked and killed just for being a religious minority in places like Egypt: RoboCoptic?

Yes, it’s RoboCoptic, a repressed and murdered Coptic Christian, killed by the religious intolerance of the Egyptian religious majority, but brought back to life through the miracle of modern science to fight for the rights of religious minorities and crush extremist groups who would destroy them! Made with an exoskeleton of space-age polymers and carbon graphite, he can withstand even car bomb blasts to protect and defend the oppressed! And with a special intolerance-seeking guidance system, RoboCoptic will sniff out the bad guys and help them achieve martyrdom!

RoboCoptic: He is risen; resurrected for revenge!

That’s RoboCoptic: coming soon to a theater near you! (Just kidding. Surely someone would claim pointing out the truth of their repression is somehow politically incorrect and intolerant of the intolerants, so nobody would be allowed to make this movie, I’d guess.)

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

The Allegation Alligator (The Super Villain)

He’s slimy and scaly, and he lives in the sewer: yes, it’s the Allegation Alligator, waiting to slime anyone and everyone!

Proof? He don’t need no stinking proof! Not when an allegation is enough to get all the muck-raking scandal-mongers to pounce and fill their news shows day after day with enough suggested wrongdoing to ruin your life!

Don’t set a foot wrong or step into the gutter, or you’ll find yourself caught in the ravenous grip of the snapping jaws of the Allegation Alligator!

How Healthy Food Advertising Makes Us All Fat

We all know there is an obesity epidemic, but did you know that pushing healthy food actually makes everyone fatter? And it’s easy to see why.

Everybody knows junk food and fast food are bad for us, and all the snazzy ads may make us crave it, but we limit ourselves somewhat because we know it’s actually unhealthy despite its yummiosity. On the other hand, healthy foods are good for us, so when we see ads touting how good for us it is, we shovel it into our mouths and stomachs with reckless abandon, making us gain weight rapidly until we are helplessly obese.

You might think that demonizing unhealthy foods is a good thing, but it has a negative effect in that naughty and rebellious people think it’s extra cool to eat unhealthy food because everyone thinks it’s bad, so they do even more of it to seem tough and contrarian, proving how naughty they are by getting fatter in rebellion against the food police types.

So as you can clearly see, everyone will get even fatter with healthier food advertising. The only solution is to force a glut of junk food ads on people until they get so tired of seeing them they never want to eat junk food ever again in protest against the ads. It may seem counter-intuitive, but it’s the only way to defeat the scourge of obesity once and for all!