Saturday, December 31, 2011

Happy 2012!

Hello loyal readers, and Happy New Year! This is the last one you're going to get (year, that is, if the Mayans are right, and how could they not be? They're so in vogue right now! And with the Mayans being so close to nature, it would almost be an insult to environmentalists to not end the world on Dec. 21, 2012! And the PC police can't let that happen!), so I hope you enjoy it! You've only got 356 days left,* so try not to spend too many of them hungover!

But if it doesn't end up being "the end times", not to worry, for there will still be a huge tragedy for us all to mourn: they won't be able to show those crappy Mayan Doomsday 2012 TV shows anymore (and have anyone pay any attention to them). So that means the "History" Channel will have to commission a whole new reality TV series like Axe Men or Ice Road Truckers: surely a fate worse than death for all of us!

* That's right, it's Leap Year, so you get an extra day! Yay! Kind of like having Daylight Savings happen the night before you're going to be executed: you get to worry about it and panic for a whole extra hour (or day, in this case)!

When the Good Hands People Give You the Finger

Allstate Insurance is known as "The Good Hands People"; they're also one of the bigger insurance companies.* And now that there are fringe insurance companies specializing in the market of normally uninsurable customers (for an exorbitant fee), shouldn't one of them use the ad campaign headline: "(Name of company): for when 'the good hands people' give you the finger!" I'll bet it would be very effective, resonating as it would with the discontent of the underprivileged, especially in light of corporate unwillingness to be flexible in the current economic climate. And I'll bet for people who have been rejected by insurance companies before, it probably feels like they're giving you the finger. So for a company that specializes in covering the uninsurable, I'l bet that headline would generate a lot of affinity and brand loyalty from their customers (and prospective clients) for having the courage to call a spade a spade, so to speak. Or, at least, I think so.

* (BTW: Allstate also has what I think is probably the best/finest insurance ad campaign of all time: the Mayhem guy. Seriously: check these commercials out on YouTube if you're unfamiliar with them; they're really pithy and fun, and it's a great concept to personify accident mayhem in an obnoxious guy who destroys everything he touches in a nonchalant, laissez-faire kind of way. {As opposed to an accident-prone guy who screws everything up by accident and is then sorry about it afterwards. But that guy would be a great ad campaign for an insurance company too: like, say, Mr. Magoo creating disasters wherever he goes because he can't see anything.})

Mob Wives: Paintball Wars

While watching Metal Evolution in VH1, I saw a promo for that crazy reality TV show Mob Wives, and they were all threatening each other and stuff. I heard this show was basically the champ of all reality TV shows: the craziest, violentest, tabloidiest of them all! And then it made me think that I'll bet there's a way to make it even more like all of that stuff: on steroids!

That's right: I'm proposing they amp it up with a spin-off show called: Mob Wives: Paintball Wars. That way, they can really attack each other and orchestrate "hits" on each other, but with paintballs, rather than real bullets, just so they can keep on coming back to do it again for everyone's amusement over and over. But this way it might even be more brutal than using real ammunition on each other! Just think of it: one of them could do a drive-by paintball attack on another one while she's wearing some Gucci one-of-a-kind couture dress and splatter it with paint (!!): then things would really get nasty! And the fur would really fly then! Oh, and speaking of fur flying, the show could organize the ladies to go out on the town in the finest fur coats, and then get some animal rights activists to throw red paint on their coats (!!). Then, I'll bet things would go to an entirely other dimension of crazy!

Sound like fun? Then call your cable company and "demand it"!

The SarcophaGuys

With a failing education system, we've got to come up with ways to get kids interested in learning. So how about getting some archaeologists to put a band together called: "The SarcophaGuys"? They could sing all about mummies and stuff you find buried in sarcophagi, and they could make it fun! They'd be like an educational version of that band "The Mummies". Wouldn't that be fun for kids? And songs are easy to remember, so kids can learn more easily! At least it wouldn't be boring...

Here's the website for the band "The Mummies":

The Marilyn Monroe Doctrine

Recently, a poll in Men's Health magazine fraudulently and fallaciously claimed that Jennifer Aniston is the "Hottest Woman of All Time" (!). Uh, right... Let me ask you this: In 60 years, will America (and indeed the entire world) be positively lousy with all manner of sundries and collectibles with Jennifer Aniston's visage gilding them being their selling point and raison d'ĂȘtre? If you answered "No" to this question, then Jennifer Aniston is a popular and attractive woman, and certainly she's very attractive for her age, but she's hardly the "Hottest Woman of All Time". (Ahem.)

You see, there's only one woman who has a global cult dedicated to her sexiness/hotness, and that's Marilyn Monroe. So I'm proposing the term: "The Marilyn Monroe Doctrine" to mean the belief that Marilyn Monroe is the hottest/sexiest woman of all time, at least to Americans. Poll or no poll, I think it's pretty clear what people really think about this, and until Jennifer Aniston has a huge statue of her in a culture-defining pose displayed all over the world (like the one of Marilyn with the dress flying up from The Seven Year Itch), then she's not even in the running for such a title. In fact, I think Aniston's movies will all be ignored and forgotten when people are still buying Marilyn Monroe memorabilia 50, and even 100, years from now. That's not a knock on Aniston, but rather, it's a tribute to the ongoing fascination with the sexiness cult of Marilyn Monroe: truly an American original!

Here's that Men's Health hack journalism poll:

Here's a shot of that Marilyn Monroe statue:

Lexus Music Box Christmas Ad

"If you're giving an amazing gift, shouldn't it be given in an amazing way?"

Thus starts what might be the most arrogant, condescending, and insulting Christmas commercial ever made. Why? Well, because they're basically saying that getting an overpriced car isn't enough of a gift; you have to also get a custom music box fabricated with an advertising jingle made to order inside, and if you don't, then you're a cheapskate! So they're setting women up here with an expectation of something extra special in the way the gift must be presented, and getting them used to the idea that the car isn't enough of a gift in itself. So if they get the car without some extra fluffy and dramatic presentation, they're going to feel slighted and disappointed!

Well, I kind of agree with the idea that if you're going to spend so much money on a luxury car, and you get a Lexus instead of an Audi, a BMW, or a Mercedes, the disappointment factor is apt to be pretty devastating, so you might want to get another thing to distract your wife from this, like a cherry on top of a mediocre sundae, or like a lot of flashy special effects in a movie to cover for the fact that the story is generic and boring, and the characters are vapid and unsympathetic. (You know, like a Michael Bay movie. So then, I guess a Lexus is like the Michael Bay movie of cars. Maybe that ought to be their new campaign slogan!)

Actually, I'm not that down on Lexuses; I'm just annoyed at them that in this economy, when everyone is hurting financially, they would try to browbeat people into having to get extra expensive stuff on top of an already overpriced car, and that they would try to get women anticipating such unreasonable expectations at gift time. That's just asinine. They ought to say that anyone ought to be grateful to receive such a nice gift in these tough economic times, and that it's a perfect gift just as it is! (And they ought to give you the giant red bow for free if you buy one of their cars as a gift!) But they act like the car isn't enough on its own, and that makes me think that either they're right, and the car sucks, so you have to improve the gift somehow with showmanship and propaganda to make it seem appealing, or else you simply ought to buy a different brand of car, where they don't brainwash your wife into expecting miracles.

(The truth is, they probably make the music boxes and sell them for $5,000, and the ad is to force you to have to buy them or else receive the wrath of your wife, who says: "Oh, I'm not good enough for the music box? You bastard! I want a divorce! Then I'll get half your stuff! And to think: you could have avoided all of this if you'd just gotten me that music box like in the ads to make this Christmas special, rather than just getting me another crappy car and presenting it in a generic manner! My mother was right: you are a cheap son of a bitch with no imagination!")

Here's the conniving commercial:

Friday, December 30, 2011

Mutant Bird Flu

Apparently, there is now a mutant bird flu. And like with the mutant Wolverine, it was created in a government laboratory. So now it's a supervirus! And that's not even the most troubling part of this tale! What's most worrisome is that through the X-Men movies, we've all been conditioned to side with the mutants! So now, when this mutant bird flu threatens humanity, will people attack doctors for trying to kill it? And since it's called "bird flu", will PeTA side with it over people? You never know!

But now that there are mutant viruses, will they form their own Superfriends-type group, the X-Viri? And will they be superheroes or supervillains? And will doctors be able to recognize the disease with it dressed up in whatever superhero costume it will be disguised in? Or will it be too late to save humanity once doctors figure out it's true identity: the mild-mannered bird flu? I guess we'll have to come down with the virus to find out!

Well, at least it's good to know that those evil government labs are still churning out these super bio-weapons! If they stopped, it could really hurt the economy! And without these super diseases to threaten the world with, then how could we ever expect to get away with never paying all our national debt to whoever we owe it to?

Yeah, thank the lord we've got these ridiculously immoral and dangerous secret military bio-weapons programs! If we didn't have these super viruses, I'd be sick with worry about our nation's future, rather than sick with, um, you know, like, a super virus.

Here's the supervirulent story:

New California Laws Promote Shark Attacks

Ah, yes: it wouldn't be fun in the sun in California without some new crazy laws, right? This year, they've got a couple of doozies for you: First off, they're banning shark fins, and you know what that means: The sharks are going to learn that they're completely safe in California waters, so they'll munch on surfers and swimmers like they're going out of style (even though it's just coming into style, thanks to these laws!). (And the sharks will get an appetizer beforehand, since the new law makes it illegal to possess shark fins, but it doesn't specify who, so the police will have to swim out to arrest any sharks they see for having fins, and the sharks will just eat them.) Then, they're banning tanning salons, so if you want to get a tan, you have to go to the beach: and guess what's waiting there for you? Hungry sharks! (Munch, munch!)

It's going to be blood beach out there, I'm telling you! Take my advice and stay pasty!

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Your Just Desserts: The Revenge Bakery

Wouldn't it be great to have a benign-seeming gift service to use to get revenge on the unsuspecting people who have seriously wronged you? You could send them a gift, and it would seem nice, but then it would get revenge for you. That's what you could order from Your Just Desserts: The Revenge Bakery! They could bake for you cakes and pastries filled with the hottest peppers in the world (especially the Bhut Jolokia chili pepper: they'd be the "bhut" of your "jokia" if they ate that!), made from chocolate Ex-Lax, you name it; and they'd package them beautifully, and send them to those who have wronged you, addressed from someone they trust (!). They'd seem innocuous enough, delicious even; but once they'd eat the "treat", it would be a treat for you to revel in their punishment for whatever dirty deeds they have dealt you! After that, you could truly say that "revenge never tasted so sweet"!

Their slogan could be: "Your Just Desserts: The Revenge Bakery: for desserts that are best served cold!" (From the old saying: Revenge is a dish best served cold.") Or they could say: "Your Just Desserts: Revenge is sweet!"

I'm wondering if "Their Just Desserts" wouldn't be more appropriate as the name, but I was thinking of it as "Your Just Desserts" because the recipient (the target of the revenge) would get the delivery, and it would say: "Your Just Desserts" on that package, so I thought it would be more appropriate that way, saying the bad effects from the cake/pastry would be that person's just desserts. But it would make more sense to attract clients to call it "Their Just Desserts", wouldn't it? So maybe the business would be called "Their Just Desserts", but the package they send would say it's from "Your Just Desserts". (That way, it would be harder to trace, too!) And with the name "Their Just Desserts", it would sound just like "They're Just Desserts", so nobody would suspect their true intent!

(BTW: This is a joke. There is no such service as a revenge bakery; at least, not that I know of...)

New Yaz Ad Campaign

The birth control pharmaceutical Yaz has had a tough time lately. They were hit for charges of false advertising, and then some study suggested that it could be riskier for blood clots and stuff.* They had to run a bunch of new ads to clarify some issues, and they may have to issue new warnings for their products. All of this has been really bad for business for Yaz. But a market resurgence is just around the corner for Yaz with a simple marketing plan: a new campaign, and new spokesman!

Yes, we all know who should be the new spokesman for Yaz: it's Yaz himself: Boston Red Sox Hall of Famer Carl Yastrzemski! Think of what a new, fresh media blitz they could make, and how Yaz could become a trusted brand again with the endorsement of such a monumental sports hero, untainted by steroids! And who better to talk about a product called Yaz than a guy named Yaz himself? It's perfect!

Okay, here's what the first commercial would be like: Three attractive female friends in their mid-20s are trying on hats at a vintage clothing store. After a couple of different hats are displayed on the ladies, one of them tries on a Boston Red Sox baseball cap, and they all smile and nod. Over this opening scene, the announcer says: "Hey, we all know birth control pills can give you a shorter, lighter period; but there's only one that's made by Boston Red Sox Hall of Famer Carl Yastrzemski: It's called Yaz!" Then they switch to Carl Yastrzemski, who says: "Hi, I'm Carl Yastrzemski. Nothing keeps you 'safe' while you 'score' like Yaz! It protects you from 'the curse of the bambino', it 'strikes out' moodiness, and cramps and bloating are 'outta there'!" Then, they switch to a scene of women playing softball in a park, and the announcer says: "Please be sure to tell your umpire about all other medications you're taking; and don't worry, that Red Sox curse is over now!"

See? It's a can't-miss plan for market domination! I hope we'll see them do it soon!

(FYI: This is a joke campaign, not a real one.)

* Here's the story on the study of Yaz risks, etc.:

Chantix Baseball Ad

I saw a commercial for Chantix last night where some guy is practicing baseball with his sons and talking about how he used Chantix to help him quit smoking. It was working pretty well as an ad (although kinda boring), until they got to the side effects part; then they said some people quitting smoking with Chantix had hostility, agitation, suicidal thoughts, etc., just as one of the boys hands this guy a baseball bat (!!). And I thought: "Oh my God: this guy's going to get hostile and agitated and beat the kids to death with the baseball bat! Oh, no!" And then I thought that maybe it wasn't the best idea to show the guy get handed a baseball bat right when the announcer started talking about the hostility, agitation, etc., side effects. It's like if they showed a family preparing dinner, and right as they moved to discussing the hostility side effects, they showed his wife give the guy a huge carving knife, and then show him slicing up meat! We'd all be thinking he could snap at any time and murder his family! How about instead of doing that, they show him sitting peacefully on a bench overlooking a brook, holding hands with his wife or something. Or would it then look like he might snap and drown her and then himself? I guess all I'm saying is, maybe they shouldn't show the guy carrying a big weapon around when they start talking about the hostility and agitation stuff. But it's just a suggestion.

Here's the agitated ad:

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Joke Grey Goose Vodka Ad

Wouldn't it be fun, for a change, to have a commercial for an upscale vodka where some cad gets drinks thrown in his face by hot women he's mistreated, and he raves about how he loves to have the delicious, high quality of Grey Goose thrown in his face? It certainly would be different. So he could get a regular drink thrown in his face (a "well drink"), and he'd become flustered. Then he'd explain how it's lame to get a drink thrown in your face, but it comes with the territory of being a swinging playboy type, and if you're going to get a drink thrown at you, try to be sure it's Gray Goose: for it's positively enjoyable to be slathered with such luxury! Then, some woman throws a Grey Goose drink on him, and he savors it; he says: "Mmmm! Grey Goose! Invigorating!", and then he kisses his fingers like a chef would do to say: "perfectly delicious". Then, the date he's with thinks he's kissing her off, so she throws another drink in his face, and he says: "Hey: Grey Goose Citron! My favorite!"

Then the tagline could be: "Grey Goose: If you're going to get a drink thrown on you, it might as well be the best!" or: "Grey Goose: You'll love it in or on you!"

Tax Slayer

I just saw an ad for a tax service called Tax Slayer (, with some NASCAR driver as the spokesman. I think it's nice that Slayer is branching out into tax services. Seeing as how they've made their career singing songs about Satan and stuff, it's appropriate that they'd choose to branch out into tax stuff: it's the only thing more evil than Satan himself! But what I don't understand is why they got a NASCAR driver to be the spokesman, rather than just doing it themselves. They could show Slayer playing "Raining Blood", and then they could say: "Don't let this tax season see you raining blood from your brow! With our tax professions at Tax Slayer, we'll help you redeem yourself from tax hell!" And they could show a room full of metalheads on computers working on people's taxes.

They could also do lots of other stuff too, like have an ad based on their album Hell Awaits, and say (while the song "Hell Awaits" plays in the background): "If hell awaits you this tax season, call Tax Slayer: We'll slay your tax problems!" Or they could use their album Seasons in the Abyss, and say (while the song "Seasons in the Abyss" plays in the background): "This tax season doesn't have to feel like a season in the abyss! Call the tax professionals at Tax Slayer, and we'll slay the IRS beast for you!" (Can you tell I'm a big Slayer fan?)

Or is it possible this tax service is unaffiliated with the band Slayer? And if that's the case, then would it be legal for me to set up a business called "Tax Metallica" or "Tax Megadeth"? (Tax Metallica could have an ad that says: "Don't let the 'creeping death' of your tax problems make your hope 'fade to black'! Call the tax professionals at Tax Metallica! We'll take your tax problems and 'kill 'em all'!")

Infiniti Snowball Ad

What is the deal with Infiniti and revenge by weaponized snowballs? This BMW driver may have a couple of bratty children, but that's no excuse to endanger the lives of a whole community simply to seek revenge, now is it? The Infiniti driver here must be a sociopath of the highest order to do such a thing! He rolls a snowball down a hill, making it bigger and bigger progressively as it rolls down, until it's a huge snow boulder, and it crushes and grabs the BMW from a parking space, and rolls it down the hill, at which point the Infiniti driver, smugly satisfied with his handiwork, takes the previously occupied parking space.

But how could this Infiniti driver do such a cold-hearted thing? For, while it's hard to tell because they were reaching down to get their stuff, that guy and his kids were all still in the BMW, and in so crushing the car with the giant snowball, this Infiniti driver has murdered them all!! Oh my God!! And to make matters worse, the car and snow boulder then go careening down the hill and into a school, horribly killing all the children inside! Oh, the humanity! (They don't show that part in the commercial, but it happened all the same!) And then he still parks in the same parking space after all that: what a psychopath!

It must be that car that possessed him to be so psychopathic! So don't buy one, unless you want to feed people into tree-eaters for stealing your newspaper! Seriously, this guy so overreacts to these snowballs from the kids next door, you'd think he'd creep into your house and murder you if your dog pooped in his yard! Oh, but this sly fox would probably stab you to death with an icicle, just so there would be no forensic evidence! (Remember, the icicle is the best, if most impossibly impractical, murder weapon! It couldn't hold your fingerprints, but it would also probably melt in your hands. And with this guy always killing people with snow and stuff {all his surrounding neighbors' homes are empty because he has killed them all for similar small perceived slights!}, I would think the cops would know it was him instantly if he used an icicle! Using snow and ice to kill is his MO {and that of all Infiniti drivers}!)

So if you want to be inspired to murder people with snow, then buy an Infiniti! (Otherwise, buy something else! Don't say I didn't warn you when you're being hauled off to jail for murdering your neighbors with a snow blower for some imperceivable insult!)

Here's the "revenge is best served cold" commercial:

State Farm LeBron James "Every 26 Seconds" Ad

I just saw this new spot from State Farm about kids dropping out of high school. It's pretty clever and devastating, showing a high school boy dropping through his mattress into worse and worse circumstances, older each time. And then it shows LeBron James at the end, smiling in a classroom. (And he's on a poster in the kid's room at the beginning. But maybe that poster should follow the kid's character into each future environment, more and more ragged each time. If the kid is a die-hard LeBron James fan, it would show his devotion to LeBron that it's the one possession he simply will not be without no matter how desperate his circumstances become.)

I think it's nice that LeBron James is doing this commercial to try to keep kids in school by "scaring them straight", so to speak; but the mattress imagery, etc., is much more consistent with Freddy Krueger, isn't it? Maybe they could make another ad for horror fans, with Robert Englund as Freddy Krueger, and Freddy could chase, torture and kill high school dropouts while the kids' teachers and parents stand by watching smugly and saying: "I told you this would happen if you didn't stay in school!" That would be awesome! The only problem is that horror movie fans might think it looks great to be stalked by Freddy Krueger and drop out of school on purpose in the hopes it would happen to them for real.

Here's the dreamily didactic display:

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

LA Stiffening Porno Regulations

While driving today, I heard on NPR that Los Angeles is tightening regulations on the porn industry with regard to disease control. Apparently, they don't want these slippery porno types evading the groping paws of the law! But is this just an example of out-of-control government trying to stick their fingers into everything? Um, I mean... Well, you know what I mean! Government regulations are strangling everything, and now porn? Oh, but I heard it actually feels even better if you get strangled while you're doing it, and that's why people do that auto-erotic asphyxiation thing. Um, where was I again? Oh, right: intrusive government regulations on the porn industry.

Apparently, there are already state and federal laws about this same stuff, but the government officials on NPR claimed the porn industry simply skirts these regulations by ignoring them, and there's no way to be sure everyone is complying. So essentially, they want to pass tighter municipal regulations to squeeze these guys into coming along with their health initiative. So basically, in order to enforce these new laws, they will use spontaneous, surprise "spot check" inspections on porno productions to be sure they're complying. I guess they're trying to catch them with their pants down, so to speak. Oh, but since it's porn, won't their pants just be down anyway?

I think this will work like this: a city inspector will make a surprise inspection of a random porno movie in the process of being shot. He'll walk in, say who he is, and then he'll approach the actors having sex in front of the camera. So then he'll ask them if they've had their required health checkups, etc., and they'll say: "Oh, yes, YES! Ahh!" And so the inspector will say: "That's good. Now you understand that this is for your protection, right?" And the actors will say: "Oh, yeah, oh, yes!" And the inspector will say: "Well, it's good that you young people are so enthusiastic about your health." I think that's probably about what it will be like.

Still, well-meaning or not, it's hard to believe this isn't just some bureaucrat's excuse to get some free jollies.

FIFA Foul Play Award

Well, Barcelona did it again: they won the Club World Cup! But that's not all they won, for they also won the coveted FIFA Fair Play Award! So okay, FIFA's got a Fair Play Award (Bor-ing!), so how about a Foul Play Award too? So if your team is losing in front of everyone, you could just play to injure, and run around kicking everyone all over the place, ignoring the ball completely. Think of how much fun it would be! Sure, you might not win, but at least you can be sore losers and get your pound of flesh! Either that, or you can wait until the end of the game, and start a fight by sucker-punching the other team's coaches & players, etc., and running away. (That happened to Santos when they won the Copa Libertadores this summer: the other team attacked them out of the blue: punched and kicked everyone in sight and ran away.)

So we've established that it would be extra awesome to have a FIFA Foul Play Award (the winning team could come to the final game to receive the award, and attack both teams in the final out of jealousy! In fact, if they awarded it at half-time, maybe the award-winning team could influence the outcome of the final by injuring a bunch of players, or by deciding to attack only one of the teams.), but how to award it? I say protocol must be strict here: Some FIFA official (wearing protective gear) should walk out onto the field, invite the foulest-playing team out to accept the trophy, and as he's preparing to hand it to them, the team should snatch the trophy, rain sucker-punch blows on his head and kick him in the balls, and run away with the trophy. I'll bet it would be a ratings bonanza!

And the logo for this Foul Play Award could look like the old FIFA Fair Play logo, but with a severed head on the ground under the referee's boot (in place of the ball), and with the guy on the left holding a bloody knife in one hand, and the guy on the right holding a bloody baseball bat in one hand; and it should say: "FOUL PLAY" across the bottom. Here's the image of the FIFA Fair Play logo I'm talking about:

Horror Store Christmas Ad

Here in LA, we've got various stores that focus on horror themes, like Dark Delicacies, where they do book and video signings from horror stars, sell lots of vampire and Frankenstein-themed sundries, etc. And I thought it might be fun to have a local TV commercial for a horror store on Christmas. It could have the song "Jingle Bells" played out of horror movie music stabs (the loud horn section blast you get in a Hammer movie when they show the gore shot), and they could be tuned like the dog barks in "Jingle Dogs". Then they could say you can get all the gifts your horror movie fan craves at (whatever store).

This is "Jingle Dogs", for those of you lucky enough not to know:

Monday, December 26, 2011

Albertsons Singing Produce Ads

Albertsons (the grocery store) has been running ads lately with these slick-looking fruits and vegetables all smiling, dancing and singing as they're displayed in the store and bought by customers. The produce brags about how fresh it all is, but do they realize that singing about being so wonderfully fresh and delicious is going to get them (gasp!) killed and eaten?

They ought to make one of these ads that shows the produce smiling and singing at the store, but then, when they're brought home, they scream and cry as they're cooked and eaten, and the surviving ones try to organize an escape attempt. They could even make it into an animated feature film! (It will be like the fruit & vegetable version of Chicken Run!)

Here's the appetizing ad:

Huggies Winnie the Pooh Baby Wipes

In buying stuff at the grocery store just now, I noticed that Huggies now has Winnie the Pooh (and friends) co-branded baby wipes. How appropriate! But they didn't even use the obvious promo line: "Wipe your poo with Pooh!" Now, they've spent the money for the tie-in, so why waste the opportunity to make the most of it? Not to do so is simply a "waste"! (And it stinks!)

Here's proof of my claim:

Tortured Spirit Shoes

My sister just got back from braving the rabid, frenzied shopping hoards at the mall, and she said she saw a pair of beautiful Easy Spirit boots she loved, but that they didn't have her size left. So I asked her: "Did they look like a pump, but feel like a sneaker?" And she said yes, so I asked her if she got to play basketball in them, and she said no, but only because they didn't have her size. (There is a famously silly commercial for Easy Spirit from the early '90s where women play a basketball game in their pumps: I'll attach a link to it below.) But then I realized that pumps aren't really the fashion anymore these days; it's more like 6-inch spike stiletto heels that are in fashion. So I wondered if Easy Spirit makes comfortable versions of those shoes nowadays. But then, it's not really possible to make those shoes comfy, so I thought of something else...

Yes, Easy Spirit should create a new brand called "Tortured Spirit" to market those horribly feet-mangling spike-heeled monstrosities that are all the rage at the moment. Then they could have ads that say how Easy Spirit has made their name making women's shoes comfortable, but there's no way to make these things comfortable, so they're creating a new brand to release their version of even-more uncomfortable versions of these already torturous ladies' shoes: Tortured Spirit! Then they could use the tagline: "Tortured Spirit: Suffer for your fashion!" (Or the old staple jingle: "Looks like a shoe, feels like a torture!")

Here's the kooky Easy Spirit basketball spot:

And here's an example of the kind of spike-heeled torture chambers for feet I'm referring to. They're kind of like making an iron maiden for your foot that looks like a supermodel on the outside: pretty looking, but with a fit that's like a crime against humanity:

Grout Bully Ad

Yes, it's Grout Bully, the new "As seen on TV" product that claims to clean your grout in seconds. I've seen this ad a few times now, and maybe I'm wrong, but it seems to me that these Grout Bully bottles are simply the same stuff as that Kiwi shoe polish with a different packaging sticker on it. It seems to do the same thing, the bottles are designed the same (although the shape is admittedly slightly different), with that sponge thingy on top, and they work the same way. So if that's the case, then they don't clean so much as paint your grout. But like I said, maybe I'm wrong.

Here's the suspicious spot; watch it and see what you think:

New Yorker Santa's Sleigh Cover

There was a New Yorker cover over the past couple of weeks that showed Santa's sleigh being drawn by his reindeer through the streets of New York City at night, and it was quite nice. The only problem was, there were only seven reindeer (including Rudolph). So that means there's a whole pair missing (!). But then again, it was at nighttime in New York, so probably a pair got stolen while Santa was down a chimney, or perhaps they were hit by a cab. (But the show must go on, as they say on Broadway.)

I can't find this cover online right now, so sorry about that. The best I can do is say to go to the New Yorker website, and right now, it's up at the top right hand corner of the page in a small reproduction. It's the one where it looks like the sleigh is driving through the same part of town where Gene Hackman chased the train in The French Connection. Here's the New Yorker website:

So Tender and Mild?

In hearing "Silent Night" again last night, it struck me yet again how inappropriate it seems to describe the holy infant as being "so tender and mild" in the song. It makes Him sound like taco meat: "Come get your holy infant Christmas tacos: so tender and mild! Only at Santa's Taco Shack!"

See what I mean?

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Bose Quiet Comfort "Silent Night" Christmas Ad

(This is an idea of mine that would be good, I think, for an ad for the Bose Quiet Comfort noise-canceling headphones.)

A middle aged lady is alone in her apartment on Christmas night listening to "Silent Night" on her stereo (at a low volume), and she's relaxing in a comfy chair and looking peaceful. Just then, a party starts next door, with loud, booming bass and obnoxiously loud rap vocals, etc., with laughing and loud talking, etc., heard loudly through her wall, drowning out her music completely. So this absolutely ruins the mood of her peaceful relaxing, and she looks visibly annoyed. Just then, she gets a 'eureka' look on her face, and she reaches into an unwrapped gift box and pulls out the Bose Quiet Comfort noise-canceling headphones. She puts them on, plugs them in, and we hear again "Silent Night", just as quietly and peacefully as in the beginning of the spot. Then the announcer says that they make a great gift. The end.

Santa's Goin' South

As we all know, global warming is making Santa's North Pole homestead unstable, seeing as how there's just water under all that melting ice. That's why Santa's moving to the South Pole after Christmas this year: there's a stable continent underneath the glaciers there called Antarctica! That way he can set himself up there permanently regardless of climate change, and we'll all still get presents and stuff.

Naturally, a move of this sort is apt to bring some change in a man, so if you see Santa's sleigh next year sporting some Yosemite Sam "Back Off!" mud flaps, or a bumper sticker that says: "The South Will Rise Again!", don't be surprised. And if you see Santa Claus in an Alabama Crimson Tide jersey*, or wearing a "Forget, Hell!" baseball cap, be assured it's still the same guy. It's just that he'll be from the South by then.

* I can tell Santa Claus is an Alabama fan because he wears the Roll Tide colors: red & white!

Keep the Christ in Christmas

There have been a bunch of legal battles and such this year over ad banners in some towns that remind/nag people to "Keep the Christ in Christmas", since Christmas celebrates the birth of Jesus Christ, and religious folks would like everyone to remember that. And I think that with or without these ads or reminders, the name of Jesus Christ will surely be on the lips today of many frustrated fathers as they try to build complicated toys for their kids, with critical & necessary pieces missing, and children bouncing all around asking repeatedly: "Is it done yet? Is it done yet?" Yes, surely they shall not forget to mention Jesus Christ on this joyful occasion.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Pope: Don't Commercialize Christmas

The Pope decried the commercialization of Christmas today, and who can disagree? The world would be so much better if nobody bought or got any presents this year! Then the economy would crash through the floor, and businesses would go bankrupt left and right, just as Jesus intended. In this fragile economy, it's more important than ever to make sure nobody spends any money so everyone loses their job. After all, then they'll have all their time free to worship Jesus! (But with no money for the collection plate. But that's okay, for the Pope said we shouldn't concern ourselves with such things as money! And there's nobody I'd rather hear say that than a guy in golden robes and priceless jewels living in a fairytale castle absolutely dripping with wealth.)

I understand his point, but when the world economy is skating on such thin ice this Christmas, perhaps it's not the best time to impugn the value of gift-giving. How about, under the circumstances, instead of condemning the commercialization, say instead to let us not become so swept up in the shopping and office parties and TV specials that we forget what we are celebrating: the birth of Jesus Christ. That would get the message out without browbeating people into making the economy worse. But it's just a suggestion. (After all, I'm not infallible, so I might be wrong.)

Here's the stern story:

Pillsbury Propaganda

Pillsbury is running an ad this holiday season for their crescent rolls, making sure we've all got enough crescents. But crescents on Christmas? For Chanukah? Is Pillsbury trying to indoctrinate us into Islam with their hot, flaky propaganda pastries? Are they trying to roll us all with rolls? I see what's going on here! Why don't they have crucifix and dreidel rolls if they're so innocent?

(This is just a joke, I hope you all realize...)

The Little Drummer Boy

We all know the story of the little drummer boy, right? He's the kid who had nothing to offer as a gift to the baby Jesus except to play his drum for him. And that's a nice story, right? After all, it's the thought that counts. But would the baby Jesus appreciate the little drummer boy's gift if the little drummer boy was a death metal drummer?

I've often wondered about this. Because, after all, a death metal drummer would be a way more accomplished drummer than just a boy with one drum, so wouldn't it be a much more substantial gift, with a lot more effort and skill behind it? It might just be kinda loud and stuff, especially for a baby. But again, it's the thought that counts, right?

Here is an example of a death metal drummer (Can't you just hear him giving our newborn savior the gift of music right there in the manger?):

Obama Birthplace Challenge Game Show Canceled

This is disappointing news. Apparently the courts have decided to cancel the new hit game show: Obama Birthplace Challenge. It was going to have "birther" contestants from right-wing conspiracy groups compete for $100,000 in prize money, where all they would have to do is answer correctly where President Obama was born. If they would admit he was born in Hawaii, USA, they'd get the money. If not, they'd lose (but get some complimentary Turtle Wax). It would have been a great show, watching those wing-nuts trying to decide if they wanted the money, or to insult the president (and if it was worth losing $100,000 to get to do it on TV!). The close-up shots of the contestants as the clock ticked down would have been a wonderful collage of greed, shame, contempt, rage, etc.: it would have been magical! Shame on the courts for denying us this instant classic of TV programming!

Here's the story:

Hasbro Sues Over Computer Called "Transformer Prime"

Toy company Hasbro is suing computer company Asus over their new Transformer Prime model, just because it sounds a lot like the Transformers' Optimus Prime. What a gyp! Does this mean they can't make a computer called the Transformer Decepticom? I wanted one of those!

Why doesn't Asus just call them "Transmorphers", and then if they get sued by Hasbro, they could honestly say they were ripping off the characters from a different movie franchise (that rips off the Transformers), and that Transmorphers are totally different from Transformers, and if Hasbro thinks it's so trademark infringey, then why didn't they sue the Transmorphers movies? (So there!)

Here's the branding brawl report:

Friday, December 23, 2011

Chevy Silverado Cell-Phone Reception Ad

Chevy has an ad running on TV now for their Silverado pickup truck where a few guys are driving around in the forest, and it looks like they're looking for a cell-phone signal, but it turns out they're trying to find where they can go that won't get a cell-phone signal (!). (I guess turning off your cell-phone is cheating, huh?) So at least if they have an emergency, they'll all die without being able to call for help: hooray!

But the thing about this commercial that really jumped out at me is how it could be remade as an ad for a cell-phone company to tout their expansive coverage. They could show these guys doing this very thing, and they keep having to drive further and further out into the wilderness, but no matter where or how far out they go, they can still get cell-phone reception! And eventually, they run out of gas (suggesting that coverage is everywhere), and they have to call for roadside assistance to come rescue them. (And then they come to appreciate that their cell service is so good, or else they'd be stuck out there!) And the guy on the other end of the phone says: "You're where? How'd you get all the way out there?"

And then they get eaten by bears or something for suggesting that whatever cell-phone company didn't cover the entire country (the nerve of some people!).

Anyway, it would probably be a fun play on the Chevy spot to make an ad like that. I mean, without the man-eating bear part. (Maybe they could get chased by a bear and get away at some point in the ad.)

I'm sorry, but for some stupid reason, Chevy apparently hasn't put this commercial up on YouTube. Maybe it's my fault, but I can't find it. You'd think they'd put it up there; most of their other ads are there. Oh, well: sorry. It's on TV, though.

No, wait: I just found it! And according to the upload date, it has been up on YouTube all along; but I swear to God I searched for it back then with every imaginable parameter and word combination, and it was not there when I originally wrote this post. But here it is now, found with exactly the same search I initially used to look for it on YouTube in December, 2011 ("Chevy Silverado phone reception comercial 2011"):

Healthy Choice an Unhealthy Choice?

An article on Yahoo! today suggests that a Healthy Choice frozen entree is, in fact, unhealthy! How could this be? It says "Healthy" right on the box! Are they saying the package is lying? Well, I never! Impugning the character of a brand like this! Everybody knows all marketing claims are always 100% true! Shame on these hatchet-job "journalists": They're just jealous that they're not healthy enough to be allowed to eat the Healthy Choice entrees, so they don't want anyone else to be able to enjoy their healthy benefits either!

Here's the scandalous story:

Bury the 18th Century Giant Skeleton?

Ethicists are saying we must bury the skeleton of an 18th Century giant on display in a London museum. But is this a good idea? The skeleton is famous now, and if we try to deny it the fame, attention and doting fans it craves, it could go on a rampage throughout London! We know what happens to reality show kids once their shows get cancelled: they throw tantrums, etc.; but they're just little kids! Imagine the massacre that could ensue if an angry giant skeleton was on the loose! We've seen this happen before in The Creeping Flesh, but that was in the countryside where hardly anyone was in danger! But this would be in a crowded metropolitan area: London! Sure, Gorgo has rampaged through there before, as well as other dinosaurs in other movies, but a giant skeleton might cause even more of a panic than a dinosaur! (Can you prove it wouldn't?) I say we can't risk innocent lives like this! It simply wouldn't be ethical to take such a chance.

Here's the giant news flash:

Lifelock Scary Ad

Lifelock is trying to scare us all into getting their service (an old and not very reputable advertising tactic), so they have a new commercial running now that says: "If you think identity theft is scary now, wait until you try to fix it!" That's totally lame! With horror movies, monsters and vampires all the rage now, they'll have to do better than that to scare us!

So how about this instead? They could say: "If you think identity theft is scary now, wait until you learn that most identity thieves are vampires and werewolves! And once they have your information, they'll hunt you down, drink your blood, kill you, and assume your identity, so they can attack your whole family and all your friends, turning them into legions of the undead and damned, and it will all be your fault for not getting Lifelock!"

That's what I'd do to scare everyone. Or maybe use zombies instead: "They'll eat your brain, and then they'll eat through your life savings!"

I can never find the Lifelock commercials on YouTube, so I can't show you this one either: sorry. Just watch cable news if you want to see it.

Youth and Unemployment: It's the TV's Fault

Newt Gingrich got himself in hot water recently for saying that some kids have no habit of getting up for work on Monday because all their role models are drug dealers, etc. Well, I think he might not be right about that. Unemployment in our nation's youth may be the fault of that old lightning rod: television! (That's why they had those antennae thingies: they were secretly lightning rods for attracting blame and scorn from parental groups and the government!)

Just look at what's on TV nowadays! All the reality shows about employment have monstrous bosses treating their underlings with ridicule, contempt, scorn, etc., and employees are abused and tortured for everyone else's entertainment! (Like Cake Boss, Hell's Kitchen, The Apprentice, etc.) And that's what kids think having a job must be like! So it's no wonder they don't want to work! And it's all the TV's fault!

See? If only the government would go back to blaming everything on the TV again, everything would be fine and all our problems would be over and solved! (It's true!)

Mary Kay Latourneau Cosmetics

I heard someone refer to Mary Kay Cosmetics last night, and it made me think: Wouldn't it be fun to have a Mary Kay Latourneau Cosmetics? They could go door to door, selling cosmetics, and if the lady of the house wasn't home, the representative could seduce their teen/tween-aged son.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Chanukah Puppet-Toon TV Special?

Growing up, there were always tons of Christmas specials on TV by Rankin Bass, etc., and I always wondered why there was no Chanukah special. By following the same type of storyline from the Christmas specials, we could have had another Supermarionation classic for all to enjoy! So, how would it work? Well, usually the Christmas specials were about something preventing Santa Claus from making it to Christmas, right? So then for the Chanukah special, it would have to be something that would prevent Chanukah from happening, and so I figured it would be something like this:

Some jerky character hoards all the string in the world, so no candles can be made for celebrating Chanukah, and someone must save the day. So Dreidel Man emerges from a disappointed populace to save the day! He finds this hoarder jerk's underground bunker where he's hiding all the string, and with his super dreidel powers, he spins on his head (he wears a dreidel for a helmet and spins on his head like a break dancer) and drills through the ground and into this bunker to retrieve all the necessary string to make the candles with (teaming with Wax Man: alter ego of mild-mannered dentist Dr. Waxman), and Chanukah is saved for everyone! (Yay!)

And naturally, along the way, various and sundry misfit/reject characters find their niche in the world and are accepted by everyone as winners thanks to the friendship, guidance and wisdom of Dreidel Man.

This kind of show would have been really fun, I'll bet, but for one thing (which is probably why nobody ever made anything like this): there are actual accounts of real-life evildoers persecuting Jews throughout history, and that makes this kind of lighthearted fable perhaps seem in poor taste. And that's something we should never forget, especially in the dangerous world we find ourselves in. But you know, maybe they could make fun of these modern day anti-Semites as villainous caricatures who are foiled and ridiculed in this tale, and in this way, beat them with silliness.

Michele Bachmann as Wonder Woman?

Some kid went around asking the Republican presidential primary contenders what superhero they'd like to be and why, and they all said Superman, while dodging the 'why' part of the question. It's like they're all impervious to answering questions already! Especially Ron Paul, who refused to answer (or just couldn't decide. There are a lot of good choices out there!). {I actually wrote a piece on this very subject a few months ago, where I assigned superheroes to a few of the different Republican candidates (I'll attach a link to that piece at the bottom).}

But nobody even asked Michele Bachmann who she'd like to be (more sexism against conservative women???). Everyone I've heard mention it, including the links posted below (including my own), say she'd want to/ought to be Wonder Woman. And I would have thought so too, until I actually thought about it. Just think about what she can do: she's got a magic (witchcraft for religious people) lasso (bondage! Eek: deviant sexual behavior! Another no-no for conservatives) that makes everyone have to tell the truth (!!!): that's the worst enemy to all politicians! It's like their Kryptonite! What if she trips and she wraps it around herself by accident? Oh no! And every politician in Washington would avoid her like the plague, because she might make them reveal their actual positions, or what crimes they're guilty of, etc., and so she could never get anyone to work with her on legislation. Plus, Wonder Woman has an invisible plane, so she'd always be in trouble with the FAA and Homeland Security, and they'd constantly accuse her of planning 9/11-style terrorist attacks, or accuse her of being responsible anytime anything ever goes wrong with air traffic anywhere, plus everyone would always ask what she's got to hide that she needs an invisible plane. It just wouldn't work for a politician to have Wonder Woman's powers.

It would be nice for a politician to have the power to make everyone else tell the truth, but it would be really hypocritical to give that power to someone who is always lying themselves. Oh, the irony!

Is there a superhero that has the powers of 100% believability with 100% lying? Then that's the man (or woman) for our politicians to want to be! Maybe he (or she) could be called "The Fibber" or "The Forthrighteous Feeling Fibber", or perhaps even "Fallacious Factman".

Here's the heroic tale:

And here is my previous piece on just this very issue of assigning superheroes to Republican candidates:

Michelle Obama's Picture Perfect Posterior

There is a story today about some Republican Congressman who had to apologize to Michelle Obama after being overheard saying: "She lectures us on eating right when she has a large posterior herself." Okay, this whole thing is hilarious; but for me, the funniest thing in the entire story is the picture credit: you see, it's from Getty Images (!). Apparently, Getty Images has a library of pictures of Michelle Obama's backside. Ahem.

So, do you want to write a story complaining about Michelle Obama's big butt, or do you want to write a (sorry) re-butt-al which claims she has a lovely posterior? Well, then Getty Images has the pictures for you! Whatever photo you need to illustrate the "butt" of your joke, we've got them all in the Presidential Posterior Photo Folio! Don't get left "behind" with inferior posterior photography! When you want to get to the "bottom" of it, we've got your pictures! (<That's how they should advertise something as tasteless as this!)

Seriously, these guys should be ashamed of themselves, selling photos of the First Lady's behind! I mean, really! This seems more cynical to me than the guy complaining about her nutrition program by saying she has a big butt: at least he doesn't sell pictures of it!

Here's the silly story:

Mistletoe Shortage

Is this the newest tactic in the dreaded "War on Christmas"? Are they going to claim there is a shortage of mistletoe to prevent love and goodwill and mononucleosis from spreading? And all to make Christmas miserable for sexual harassment aficionados this yuletide season? (On a related note, if you grow the mistletoe in France, does that mean everyone has to French kiss you? Or are they called "Freedom kisses" now?)

Well, this tactic may backfire on the anti-Christ-y crowd! Women who have been tired of being the targets to smooch Scrooges for years will get a welcome reprieve, and as a result, they may come to love Christmas more than ever! So take that, you miserable mistletoe misers and malefactors, for trying to trick us all into thinking there's no mistletoe this year! (I thought it was all plastic nowadays anyway!)

Here's the spurious story (with an intentionally insulting headline from the old gray lady herself: it looks like some old lady is angry that someone may have Christmas cheer this year! And turn down that racket!):

Campbell's Soup: It Does A Body Good!

Right after bashing an ad for Campbell's Healthy Request soup for making the spurious claim that it tastes not only good, but delicious, I came down with the worst, most painful case of stomach flu I've had in years. ("Revenge!" cried the food police.) It was awful, and for 36 hours, I thought I might actually die from it.

Well, it passed, thankfully, but it left me as weak as a baby bird. And what did I use to get my strength back? Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup: It's what I always eat when I'm sick, and it works every time to make me feel better! It's easy on your flu-ravaged tummy, and it tastes good too: kind of like a caring mother's food. And maybe that's because my mother gave it to me when I was sick as a little kid.

So thank you once again, Campbell's soup, for aiding me in my time of need! But that still does not excuse you for fibbing about the taste of your Healthy Request soup (which really doesn't taste very good, I'm afraid).

Vampires Behind the "War on Christmas"?

The ACLU and the federal courts have been more anti-Christ-y than ever lately, suing for or ordering the removal of a 90-year-old cross honoring WWI dead, other memorial crosses hinder and yon, manger scenes far and wide, and removing the word "Christmas" from school parties, etc. This could be explained by not wanting to exclude others who don't celebrate Christmas, but what if it's... something else?

Think about it: vampires are more popular than ever due to the Twilight phenomenon and the True Blood TV series, so perhaps that's gotten the real ones to start coming out into the open. And what do they see when they do? Crosses! They're everywhere! Aaaaa! And what do they hear? "Merry Christmas!" Aaaaa! And what else do they see? Manger scenes with baby Jesuses! Aaaaa! That's the guy who was on the cross that's the whole reason they can't look at them! And the word "Christmas" has his title in it too! Wouldn't it burn just as much to see a baby Jesus in a manger scene, or to hear "Merry Christmas", as it would to see a cross, if you're a vampire? Think about it!

So maybe they're all vampires who are doing all these anti-Christian things (!). And why might they be doing this stuff? Well, obviously so they can drink our blood with impunity! Well, I don't know about you, but I'm getting my stakes ready!

Jesus Toaster

This is an old joke I used to make, but someone has made it real: It's the Jesus Toaster! No, really; look:

So now you can make your own holy toast.

But I'm a little disappointed that the Turin Cathedral isn't marketing a life-sized Shroud of Turin toaster. Then when the church had those giant sandwiches made for their meetings, they could have it made on giant toasted Shroud of Turin-sized bread! (And just to be more consistent with the whole shroud thing, maybe the sandwich could be a "wrap".) And it would be like communion too, since researchers recently said the image of the shroud "could not have been faked", and if that's true, then it's the image of Jesus. And He said to eat bread as His body in remembrance of Him, and what better way to feel like the bread you're eating is actually His body than to have it toasted to look like the Shroud of Turin? At least it would be a fun novelty thing they could use to draw the tourists on slow days. (Or do they already do that?)

Here's the news story about the Shroud of Turin:

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Campbell's Healthy Request "The Beat" Ad

Campbell's Soup has a new spot for their Healthy Request soups that asks: "What's the beat that moves your heart? How about the beat of a healthy heart?" Then they show some very nicely photographed scenes of midlife crisis candidates dancing around, and we get the message: our Healthy Request soups won't kill you with sodium overload like our other soups will (allegedly!). And that's all well and good, and it's a pretty good, attractive lifestyle-looking commercial, and they're starting to persuade me, when they just jump off the deep end into dishonesty with the fraudulent claim: "Campbell's Healthy Request soup is delicious!" That's false advertising! I've bought these soups by accident before, and they taste totally lame! Even if you dump salt into them, they're not nearly as good as the regular Chunky soup! Anyone who tastes a mere spoonful of these "healthy" soups will know immediately their allegation of deliciousity is specious at best, and then they won't trust them as much in the future.

So, what to do? I'd recommend the following course of action: Show that clip from Blade Runner where the Replicant's creator says the stuff about the flame that burns twice as bright burns half as long, etc., and then say that if people want to enjoy their lives and eat food that tastes good, that's fine, but they'll die sooner. Then they can say that if you want to live longer, you must make a deal with the devil and eat food that's yucky tasting, and that's why they've made their new line of Healthy Request soups. Then maybe their tagline could be: "Campbell's Healthy Request: Give the Devil his due!" (By eating yucky-tasting soup.)

I can't find this ad on YouTube yet, but it's on TV!

(BTW: This is a joke. While I do think these soups are hardly delicious, I'm using exaggeration for effect when I say things like "fraudulent claim" and "false advertising". I have wasted quite a bit of money on these soups, however, since they look almost identical to the regular Chunky soups, and at over $4 a can, that can add up. So I was annoyed at this ad's assertion; but it is only my opinion that they taste bad, and the hyperbole used in this piece is only for humorous effect. After all, you may love the taste of Campbell's Healthy Request soups! {But I doubt it.})

Siri Abortion Controversy

CNN is doing some end of the year review of stories, and their nod to Siri as a big step forward in voice recognition software reminded me that a few weeks ago, abortion aficionados were upset that she couldn't immediately direct someone to get an abortion, or even give them an abortion herself with an iPhone abortion app. But hey, at least she didn't call them "baby killers", or say something like: "I have a conscience, even if you don't, so I refuse to help you murder your baby. I'm a computer, and I have more respect for human life than you do!" But maybe that's coming in Siri 2.0.

But this whole controversy is a huge marketing opportunity for the Android phones! They could run an ad that shows someone being called a baby killer by Siri, and then they have the announcer say: "Offended by the conservative criticism and meddlesome moralizing of your iPhone? Then get an Android phone! Our Android isn't striving for humanity like that pathetic Siri, so he'll help you get that abortion without being judgmental! Besides, Siri calls your family and tells on you for being pregnant and for getting an abortion! Our Android would never do such a thing! Get yours today!"

Here's the story about the Siri abortion controversy:

Monday, December 19, 2011

Star Wars Deodorant Ad

I was watching a Star Wars documentary with my niece, and they showed that scene of Carrie Fisher and Peter Cushing where she says: "Moff Tarkin... I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board!" And this made me jump out of my seat at what a great deodorant ad this would make! Princess Leia could say that line, and then the announcer could say: "People recognizing your foul stench when they're brought on board? Then try Speed Stick! Odor is no match for the force of Speed Stick!" Then they can show Darth Vader, and we can hear him breathing through his mask, and Moff Tarkin can say: "It's okay now, Darth; you can take off that mask: I'm using Speed Stick!"

Max from Blue Tax Ad

Blue Tax ( has had this really awful 3D animated commercial running on TV for months and months where some horrible cartoon character (Max) tells a room full of fake, CGI people they can get relief from their tax debts from Blue Tax. It's interesting that Max is talking to CGI people, because I guess that way, they can say they never promised they could help any real people, and that they just meant they could help the fake CGI characters. This type of company has a lot of complaints about frauds, scams, etc., but they may actually help some people, so who knows.

The thing that makes me think they're potentially a fraud is that whereas Tax Masters (a company with a lot of fraud accusations against them, but who actually have helped plenty of others too) uses a real person as their commercial spokesman (Patrick Cox of Tax Masters), so you can accuse him personally if you get gypped, Blue Tax uses this lame-looking cartoon character called "Max" as their spokesman: this means that they're not even willing to give you a real person's name or face to associate with their company, so they're completely anonymous. But sure, give them all your personal information, social security number, tax ID, bank account info, etc.; what could go wrong? And what's even more hilarious to me (and this part is what made me even take notice of this whole questionable situation to begin with) is that at the end of the ad, the fake CGI cartoon character says: "And remember, you heard it from me: Max at Blue Tax! Wow!" (<The "Wow" is him reveling in the fact that he could attract suckers this easily!)

Okay, so remember, if you get scammed, or they screw it up for you, you were suckered into it by a fictional character made by 3D animation students for $5 in cash for some unnamed creep to pull the veil over any culpability by any real persons for any wrongdoing perpetrated by said entity. So be sure to tell the police who steered you into it: a fictional character! I could see someone in a police station or FBI field office picking Max out of a lineup of other 3D CGI cartoon characters, like in a scene from Who Framed Roger Rabbit?: See, the 'toons came up with this scam! And then the guilty parties could just claim in court that they were forced into it by an evil 'toon. And when they finally arrest Max, he can cry to the jury: "I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way!"

Here's the questionable commercial:

One Third of Americans Arrested by Age 23

A Reuters story today reports that fully one third of all young American adults has been arrested for a criminal offense by the time they reach 23 years of age. This is very sad indeed, because like with sex, it's so much more enjoyable if you wait. Young adults don't even have the necessary psychological facilities to truly appreciate a good bust yet, and so they hardly even know how to enjoy it. This is why charities and youth groups always try to discourage young people from getting involved with the wrong people/activities. When you're young, you can get arrested just for shoplifting a cd, or a candy bar, and you'll totally get in trouble for it; and it's not even worth it! But if you wait, it can be so much more!

If you study hard, stay in school, and stay out of trouble, you can get a job with lots of power, like in government or on Wall Street. Then you can abuse your power and steal millions upon millions of dollars, and when you get arrested, you get to be on TV and become totally famous! Also, you go to jail for way shorter sentences, because all the stolen money will pay for great lawyers, and when you get out of jail, you can write a best-selling tell-all book and become a millionaire all over again, legitimately, like Jack Abramoff! (Sure, it's not as much fun the second time, but you can totally get away with profiting from your earlier crimes, and that makes it even more satisfying!)

So kids: don't let yourself be tempted and lured by the small potatoes of petty criminality; get well-connected, and then you can steal astronomical sums and get treated like royalty! (Just look at the "Honorable" Jon Corzine: he {allegedly} appears to be involved in the fraudulent disappearance of $1.2 Billion, and they still call him "Honorable"!) So like I said kids: stay in school, stay on the straight and narrow for a couple decades, and then you can get away with almost anything! (Oh, you have to be rich, or in government, though. And you'll never get that way unless you wait to commit your crimes until after you get there!)

Here's the shocking story:

Mexico Cab Project Ads

I guess it's like a Taxicab Confessions for tourists coming back from Mexico. I think it was originally set up as an FBI sting operation to try to get drug cartel hit men to brag about their crimes on a hidden camera, but it just turned out to be a bunch of people raving about their wonderful vacations in Mexico, so they turned it into commercials.

One couple returning from Cabo was raving about how great it was, and talking about people getting married there. All the recent news reports of drug-cartel-related crime and murders made me think of a slightly different scenario, though, for one of these ads: Some guy in the cab raves about his Mexican vacations, and then he says that he's returning from his honeymoon. So the cab driver asks him what happened to his wife, and the guy says that she got killed in some shooting massacre, but that she was heavily insured for the vacation, so now he's a millionaire, and now he can afford an even better wife; and also, he'll never have to work again! And then he says it's better than the lottery, and he's going to take all his wives there from now on, and that it's better than Aruba for getting rid of people, etc.

Here's the ad I'm talking about:

And it's a sequel to this ad:

And if these people are not actors reading scripted dialog, I will eat my hat in a fajita.

Religion Is the Opium of the Masses

The Chinese Communist Party is warning its members against religious activity, a practice that's threatening the religious-like dedication of its commies to communism. But how do they charge such a crime in China? Since "religion is the opium of the masses", would that be a drug charge? And if you start a religious group, would that be possession with intent to distribute? I just wonder how it works over there.

Here's the spiritually suppressing story:

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Smart Car Big Big Big Ad

Everyone is thinking big in this commercial for the Smart Car; everyone, that is, until some guy sees someone driving a smart car out of a parking lot, and he says: “Small!” But then a big SUV comes speeding down the street and plows into the smart car, killing the occupants instantly, and the guys says: “Um, never mind; I meant: Big.” Or at least, that’s what comes to mind when I see this spot. I live in Hollywood, where everyone drives around like a maniac in a big SUV, and everyone seems to drive drunk all the time too, so the “Smart” Car doesn’t seem very smart to me. Maybe if everyone else drove one too; but otherwise, I hope you’ve got good health insurance! (And good luck!) SMASH!

And by the way, this TV ad does everything but come out and say: “Think small.” It might as well be a TV spot for the original Doyle Dane Bernbach “Think small” VW ad. But then again, I guess it’s nearly impossible to advertise a small car nowadays without tipping the hat to that famous campaign.

Here’s the big spot:

HTC Rezound Rap City Destruction Ad

In this spot for a cell-phone with built-in Beats Audio, some guy walks down the street in a city that looks like New York, and while he listens to some rap song on his ear buds, the city is devastated, I guess by the music (?). Either that, or he’s just really distracted by the music, so he doesn’t notice there’s an earthquake, or an alien attack, or whatever’s supposed to be happening. I feel like it couldn’t be the music, actually, though, for two reasons: one, he’s listening with ear buds on, so it’s unlikely there would be enough sound escaping to harm anything besides his hearing; and two, because it’s totally not the right kind of music to destroy a city, I shouldn’t think. When I think of music that could destroy a city, I think of death metal stuff like maybe Deicide, or perhaps black metal like Mayhem, or something heavy and brutal like that, maybe Suffocation. But the music in this commercial just sounds like fake drums with some guy talking over it: hardly powerful or even aggressive sounding at all, and certainly not city-destroying. Perhaps it’s the lyrics that contain the aggression, or perhaps it’s the searing attitude that could move mountains; but it’s not the sound, that’s for sure. But that’s good, because a police car got smashed, and that, mixed with how much cops seem to dislike rap music, could spell trouble for this young man (they might want to lay down some beats on his head for crushing their cruiser); and nobody needs that kind of hassle.

Here’s the concussive commercial:

Saturday, December 17, 2011


(My 1,000th Post!)

Liberals are going hog wild attacking the obesity epidemic, as we all know. But strangely, this is the only disability they’re maligning. Generally, they browbeat everyone into renaming undesirable afflictions with euphemisms so everyone with said affliction will feel better about themselves (and so they can bully everyone else with political correctness: the last acceptable form of bullying; well, aside from bullying fat people, that is; and smokers, who become fat people when they quit smoking, so they get attacked either way). I understand that there are potential health problems associated with obesity, but not everyone can help it: for some, it’s simply genetic. So is it really fair to bully these fat people, and to deny them the foods they love when they’re going to get fat no matter what they eat? Isn’t this akin to torture, deprivation, and psychological torture (literally adding insult to injury)? Why not simply treat obesity in the same politically correct manner as everything else?

That’s why I propose that instead of calling fat people “fat”, or obesity “obesity”, we should henceforth refer to them/it with the more complimentary-sounding term: “Rubenesque”. (That really ought to be “Rubensesque”, as he was Rubens, not Ruben, but whatever; maybe they thought including the “s” made the word look too fat or something.) And we’ll have to get rid of that word “epidemic”, too: that makes genetically-inclined overweight people seem like they’ve got the monkey pox or something, and nobody will want to sleep with them. Plus, there’s just something about that word “epidemic” that seems somewhat negative somehow. After all, we don’t call popular fads like Angry Birds an “epidemic”, now do we? (Even though it might well be one: like the bird flu.) So why not use the more acceptable and positive-sounding term: “fashion”, as in: “Rubenesque Americans are really in fashion this year!” Then we could relieve some of the gravity of the situation with encouraging language.

And doesn’t the politically correct crowd say the language we use makes a difference? Well, it certainly makes a difference in that it allows the word police to bully and harass everyone they don’t like. But shouldn’t it also help people feel better about themselves? And it looks to me like the obesity crowd might be the biggest candidate for a cheering up (and not just due to their size, either). Have you ever heard of overeating due to depression? Well, with all the abuse Rubenesque Americans have been taking lately, binge eating is probably the only refuge they’ve got left to make them feel better, thanks to the politically correct bullies in the word police becoming the food police too. And that’s just making the problem even bigger; or as I would suggest calling it: pleasantly plump.

MLB Tattoo Ban

The new Major League Baseball contract bans players from getting tattoos of corporate logos or advertising. But it doesn’t say anything about not being allowed to have them drawn on fresh every day with magic markers! That’s definitely a loophole I would exploit if I were a professional baseball player! Hell, I’d even do it for free just to show them they can’t tell me what to do! After all, if they’re not even allowed to take steroids, the least they could do is let them get corporate logo tattoos! (It’s the next best thing to breaking a record with an asterisk next to your achievement!) It’s the only way they can make up all the money they’re losing by not being allowed to cheat. So hopefully, finding a way around this rule will be just as much fun for them as using the steroids that don’t show up on the drug tests. Because after all, isn’t it fun to be a rule-breaking bad boy? And everybody know bad boys love corporate sponsorship.

Here’s the story:

Friday, December 16, 2011

Dr. Pepper Ten “Not for Women” Ad

Dr. Pepper Ten has this ad running that shows a man in all these action movie situations, and he says Dr. Pepper Ten is not for women. Well, if they really don’t want women to drink it, why don’t they just put that drug Avodart in it? Women aren’t even supposed to handle that stuff, much less ingest it! So they could save all that money on special effects and corny stereotypes, and it would be even more effective at repelling women! (On the other hand, Dr. Pepper is a doctor, so maybe women will want it anyway no matter what! So that's why they have to make these commercials, I guess. But why don't they just call it: “Mr. Unemployed Writer/Artist/Musician Pepper”? That ought to work to scare the women away!)

Here’s the he-man woman-hater’s commercial:

And here’s an Avodart commercial, where they say it’s only for men:

The Golden Calf Award

Religious activists delivered a golden calf to House Speaker John Boehner on Thursday, claiming he is not “standing with Jesus”.

Really? A golden calf for not standing with Jesus? I love religious people who don’t know their Bible. The golden calf has nothing to do with Jesus, but thanks for playing! (You get some complimentary Turtle Wax as a consolation prize.)

Yes, um, the golden calf comes from the Exodus story, and as such is related more to Moses. Jesus was that guy who pushed over the money-changing tables in the Jerusalem Temple. I don’t think he was awarded a golden calf for doing so, but maybe that’s in the Apocrypha or something. But I understand that it can get confusing: Moses and Jesus are both important male biblical figures speaking for God, and they both have beards and stuff, so there’s that. They both have similar names too, with five letters, a vowel every other letter, two Ss, etc. And they’ve both had Hollywood blockbuster movies based on their lives.

But then again, I guess it’s too much trouble to overturn money-changing tables on Boehner: it might be viewed as an attack and get them pounced on by the Secret Service. But hey: how about presenting him with 30 pieces of silver? That might work, and it’s actually related to selling out Jesus. Or isn’t that a big-enough display for the cameras?

But you know, maybe they were actually thinking of The Golden Turkey Awards.

Here’s the biblical story:

Future Shave

Matt Damon was on The Daily Show last night, and he had a shaved head. Jon Stewart asked him why the shaved head, and Damon said it was because he just did a sci fi movie set in the future. So then Jon Stewart commented on how everyone always has shaved heads in dystopian future movies, and I wondered why that was. Well, I thought about it for a second, and I think I have the answer.

The reason everyone has their head shaved in futuristic movies is simple: hippie environmentalists will have made all types of pesticides illegal by then, so everyone will be infested with every manner of parasite imaginable: fleas, ticks, lice, bedbugs, crabs, ringworm, etc. And since there is no way to get rid of them, everyone has to shave their hair off to try to lessen it all. So it’s not because of an oppressive government that they have to shave off all their hair (well, indirectly it is, but not directly); it’s just that they have no choice if they want to reduce/mitigate the itching and infestation on their person. And based upon the way things are going, I’d say there’s only another few years left before we’re all going to be living in that world.

But not to worry: since all antiperspirants, deodorants and perfumes will be illegal by then too, you’ll barely notice the itching and creepy-crawling in such an oppressively and distractingly malodorous environment. And there's something else too: when people talk about how great things were in the good old days, pretty soon, they may be telling the truth!

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Newt’s North Poll Numbers

Yes, as Christmas has drawn near this holiday season, Newt Gingrich’s poll numbers have flown up skyward like a reindeer-drawn sleigh, and there is a clear reason for this. We may not consciously realize it, but Newt becomes more and more popular as we approach Christmas because there is a little child in all of us who sees something in Newt Gingrich our adult selves don’t notice: Newt looks a lot like Santa Claus, and since our little kid selves are afraid he actually might be Santa Claus, we support him more and more as Christmas approaches out of concern that if he actually is Santa Claus and we don’t support him, he might chisel us out of all our Christmas presents.

Yes, realize it or not, Newt Gingrich is a dead ringer for jolly old Saint Nick himself, if only he’d grow a beard. Well, and if he’d put on a suit made of Republican Party-colored material (red), with trim that matches the seasonal snow (white), and a matching hat. And there you’d have it: an instant Santa Claus! And after all, why do you think Republicans are always fiercely defending Christmas? It’s because Santa Claus looks just like a Republican named Newt Gingrich!

But after Christmas, his polls will head south, I’ll bet. And he’ll be exchanged, like so many other unwanted gifts, for something more desirable. (If we’ve managed to save that receipt, that is…) Otherwise, Newt might just give President Obama just what he wants for Christmas: a second term. And then, for Democrats at least, Newt really might end up being Santa Claus after all!

Drones and UFOs

The news is still droning on and on about the spy drone crash in Iran. This looks like it could be a diplomatic disaster, but it doesn’t have to be! Here’s how President Obama could save the situation:

First off, he could try simply saying to the Ayatollah: “Oh, sorry: I thought you said my drone could crash at your place, dude.”

And if that doesn’t work, he could say: “Okay, we didn’t want to have to reveal this, but it’s actually not our drone, but rather, it’s a UFO that escaped from Area 51, and it has alien contagious diseases on board that only we know how to contain. So, um, you really ought to let us have it back. Oh, and this proves that UFO fans have been right all along about Roswell and the cover-up and everything. The proof is all in Iran now.”

This may not make the Iranians actually give it back right away, but surely the onslaught of all the UFO kooks and conspiracy theorists descending upon their nation will make them relent eventually. I mean, if they think they’re being spied on and invaded now, just wait until all these tinfoil-hat types start showing up everywhere and filming everything. Their prisons are already jam-packed with Green-Party demonstrators, government critics, gay people (the ones they “don't have” any of in Iran), accused spies, etc.: they’ve got nowhere left to put all these other UFO people, and they’ll be drowning in them! And with such a secretive, repressive regime like Iran’s, these conspiracy nuts will find more conspiracies than ever! They'll be in conspiracy heaven! Iran will have to cry uncle eventually! All we have to do is catapult some reasonably realistic-enough-looking little gray alien over the border from Afghanistan and “leak” some video footage of it to the UFO “investigator” crowd, as well as show some old-looking film of the drone/UFO flying around Area 51 on CNN, and Iran will never be rid of the UFO nuts until they give the drone back!

The Waltons

Have you seen this?:

It says six of The Waltons have more wealth than the bottom 30% of Americans. I’m not sure if they mean from the mid-thigh down on all Americans, or if they mean something else; but it would make sense if it was the legs and feet, as most people have their money in pockets and purses and stuff, and not so much in their shoes and socks. And I guess they’ve gotten this information from looking at the airport scan pictures of us they claim to have deleted. (Once they got bored of looking at us all naked, that is…)

But what if it means The Waltons are richer than 30% of the whole country? Then there’s got to be something going on there! They look poor, but they’re super-rich, and they live in the hills, so it must be drugs! (Or they are secretly The Beverly Hillbillies.) They’re either manufacturing meth, or they’ve got a moonshine empire! And that show is for kids and families! Oh, the outrage…

No wonder they’re always saying “Good night” over and over again to each other: they’re either all drunk or tweaked!

John-Boy, you’ve got some explaining to do, young man!

Here’s the IMDB page for The Waltons:

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

BP “Visit the Gulf” Ad

There’s a commercial running on TV right now where government representatives from four states on the Gulf of Mexico claim this year has been their best year ever for tourism, and then they argue amongst themselves over who everyone wants to come visit more. (They really ought to get into a brawl over this issue, but if they don’t have enough pride in their states to fight for them, then whatever…) And then they all nag the viewer to come visit their lovely beaches. And then the spot, which I thought was sponsored by some tourism board, or by a government agency, says: “Brought to you by BP.” (!!!) (The nerve!)

Now, that’s basically BP’s way of saying: “See? It’s a good thing that we spilled a record amount of oil into the gulf and all over all of your beaches! That’s the only reason anybody even wanted to come to your crappy beaches in the first place!” That’s how it comes across to me. (BTW: They are actually beautiful beaches and great people!) And it really comes across as insulting and asinine to me just to have them tack that “brought to you by BP” ending onto the ad, almost no matter what else the ad says. It essentially says that the oil spill is the only reason anyone wanted to come to the gulf coast to begin with: it was simply pity! And the only reason anyone felt sorry enough for the Gulf Coast to waste their time visiting it is because we (BP) spilled oil all over it! So where’s our “thank you” already?

So, essentially, BP is saying that their oil spill was a good thing after all! And I’m sure they’re spending money on this ad, rather than on clean-up, or restitution, because they’re hoping to brainwash everyone into thinking the oil spill was a great windfall, and so they don’t owe any more money for the catastrophic environmental disaster that was their spill and clean-up effort. This is what’s known as “polishing a turd”. And coincidentally, a turd is the same color as a big oil spill! (And it stinks too.) But you know what I think BP ought to do with this type of advertising if they want it to help BP’s image? They ought to resist that temptation to put their corporate logo on this ad, and even worse, try to claim credit for the good stuff that’s happening in local Gulf Coast tourism (if, indeed, this is even true).

If I were their PR/advertising advisor, I’d suggest that they pay for these tourism spots, but leave their own name off of them; for only then will people maybe start to forget, perhaps a little bit, the colossal screw-up and disaster that was their spill and response. You see, what they’re doing now is akin to running someone over with your car while you’re drunk, and then congratulating yourself for how many visitors they’re getting while they’re in the hospital: “See? Before I put you in the hospital, I’ll bet you hadn’t seen your friends in a while, and you were getting lonely and depressed; but now that I ran you over, you’re popular again! (Aren’t you grateful? You ought to be!)”

See how this comes across? It’s like they almost managed to make themselves smell a little bit like roses again with the content of that ad, but then they had to go and spill the stinky fertilizer all over themselves with that BP logo & splash screen claiming credit at the end. Because when they say: “Brought to you by BP”, an entirely different image comes to mind; and it's not an image of clean beaches.

Here’s an article about this ad campaign: