Carfax Car Fox News Ad (Proposed)

We see a faux Fax News type of opinion news program (With an opening motion graphic saying: “Car Fox News”, and with the logo for Car Fox News appearing in the lower left of the frame during the “show”) where the Car Fox is the host, and two used car dealers are arguing about the best way to shop for a used car. And the used car salesmen are yelling and talking over each other, and then the Car Fox interrupts them and says: “Guys, all the people need to do is ask to see the Carfax! It’s the one sure way to know what you’re getting!” And both used car salesmen try to argue against people asking for the Carfax, and so the Car Fox says: “Okay, cut their mics!” Then the announcer says: “Ask to see the Carfax: It’s the only way to know what you’re getting when buying a used car!”

Emolumints

Hey, do you have a whiff of scandal from your sordid and likely treasonous activities with other governments? Then use Emolumints! The fresh scent will distract your detractors and leave you always smelling like a rose!

That’s Emolumints: Order yours today to cover the foul stench of your misdeeds!

Emoluments Claws

Hey, know someone who’s guilty of violating the Emoluments Clause, but they’re too slippery to pin down? Then use the Emolument Claws! They’ll help you hold down even the slipperiest guilty scumbag until they find themselves found guilty! Order yours today!

Paper Towel Ad Mascot: “Hot Mess” (Proposed)

Remember the Mayhem guy for Allstate Insurance? I am on record here on this blog saying I think that mascot character is one of the best advertising things I have ever seen. And I still mean that. And I like it so much, I think it could be applied to another product: paper towels. I mean, sure it would not be the Mayhem guy exactly, but it’s a very similar idea, and the character would be called: “Hot Mess”.

We all know the expression: “Hot Mess”, do we not? And what do paper towels clean up? Messes! And what kind of people do we want to see on TV? Hot ones! And so: “Hot Mess”!

It would be a super hot woman or man who shows up at someone’s house and always knocks everything over, spills stuff, etc. And everyone sees them coming, and they say: “Look out, here comes the hot mess!” And they show up and make a mess, and then the paper towels clean up the hot person’s messes.

See what I mean?

I was thinking there could be an ad campaign for, oh, I don’t know, maybe Bounty paper towels (?) where a bunch of women are getting together for a night out on the town, and then one woman shows up, dents a car, trips over a sprinkler, accidentally kicks a dog or cat, and then rings the doorbell, and they all roll their eyes and say: “Here comes the hot mess!” And of course, once she comes in, she tosses her purse down on the kitchen counter, and it knocks over someone’s coffee or tea, and then the woman who owns the house hands her some paper towels to clean it up with, which she does, but then she tries to throw them into the trashcan, but she misses, and that leaves another mess on the floor. And then she goes to pick it all up, but she knocks over the trashcan with her head, and the trash all spills out onto the floor, and she says: “Sorry. No, I got this.” And then we see hands handing out more and more paper towels, and we see, in time lapse photography, the roll of paper towels getting smaller and smaller.

And I know what you’re thinking. Yes, because I live in California. And you know if they made this ad, someone would complain that why is it a woman who is the klutz? That’s so sexist! (Etc. You know the drill.) And of course the company would kowtow to them, sending out some ass-kissing apology press release, and then conservatives would boycott that paper towel brand for caving to the political correctness, etc. Oh, but there’s actually a solution! (No, really, there is. {Sorry, eternally enraged protester wannabes.})

Yes, that’s right: make TWO (That’s right: TWO!) “Hot Mess” ad mascots. And they’re both women! Just kidding! One is a woman, and the other one’s a man. (That’s right: A MAN! In an advertisement about paper towels! Maybe it should be for Brawny?) And so in this one, some woman is dating a really hot man, but he is a klutz and spills everything. Or else her daughter is dating some hot meathead jock guy or something, and whenever he comes over, he spills/knocks over everything, but it’s no worry, because of the paper towels! And when they finally get so fed up of him ruining their home that they kill him, they clean up the blood with the paper towels too and get away with it!

See? They really do clean up all your messes!

And as a tag, in the ad without the killing part, two women leave the woman’s house who is dating the “Hot Mess”, and one says to the other, after witnessing him make mess after mess: “Why does she see that guy?” And the other woman says: “Well, he is hot, and she does have (brand of paper towels)!”

Then the announcer says: “If you’re going to make a mess, it might as well be a hot mess!” (<That’s a joke slogan, by the way.)

But the ad mascot could be anyone. It doesn’t have to be the same character in every ad. All you’d need to do is have a situation where someone says: “Uh, oh: Here comes the hot mess!” And we’d know who the hot mess is. So it could be a man, a woman, a boy, a girl, straight, gay, trans, whatever you want. And that way nobody could get offended. I mean, except intolerant people. But they will be offended no matter what you do, so fuck them: there’s only so much you can do.

(BTW: The greatest TV ad of all time that I have seen is that Little Caesars Vegetarian Society “Meatsa Meatsa” ad from the 1990s. But someone complained that it was offensive, so they pulled the spot. (!!!) You know what I think they should have done? I think they should have run an ad afterwards saying someone complained about their ad so they would like to extend a heartfelt: “Fuck You!” to people who were offended. And had they done that, I think people would have made Little Caesars the #1 pizza chain in America for a while just based on that pushback against whiners. And maybe we would not have this pernicious, parasitic PC culture we find ourselves in now. Someone has to take a stand on this, and Bill Maher, as much as I love him, doesn’t really make that much of a cultural difference. When a big company tells the whiners to fuck off and their business goes up, then we will win the war for free speech in Amercia. Because after all, after Citizen’s United, money = speech. {Don’t blame me for that: Contact your local United States Supreme Court! And bitch at them})

Killer Kilts: The Horror Movie!

The tartan terror strikes!

Beware the badass plaid-ass!

The pernicious plaid will wear you out!

You’ll cover your eyes as they cover your thighs!

That’s Killer Kilts: Coming soon to bite you in the ass!

American Express AMEXIT Ad Campaign (Joke/Proposed)

(The following is a joke/proposed ad campaign for American Express. Please do not get mad at me if you are a Trump supporter, as this is just a creative exercise in advertising.)

A Democrat watches the news and gets tired of hearing about President Donald Trump’s travel ban, so they decide if there are going to be travel bans, then they’d better go see some sights before other countries retaliate. And so they plan a trip using their American Express Card, and we see wonderful photos or video from places like Turkey, Egypt, Indonesia, etc.

Then the announcer says if you need an exit from America, use your AMEX card: "It's your AMEXIT!"