Trump Attacks Institutions Handed Down to Us

Last night on Real Time with Bill Maher, Republican strategist Steve Schmidt said President Trump is constantly assaulting the institutions that have been handed down to us as part of our American inheritance.

Of course: Trump is rich, so he doesn't like hand-me-downs. He only likes new things that were made especially for him.

Adidas Samba OG Shoes

I just got a new pair of Adidas Samba OG indoor soccer shoes. They don't have the annoying overly long flip-over tongue, so they cost an extra $30. I guess that's like when Fender used to charge $200 more for a fretless bass because then they wouldn't get to have to go to the trouble to measure, fret, and add inlays to the fingerboard, and not doing stuff like that costs money, don't you know?

I wonder if the "OG" in the name stands for: "Own Goal"? (An own goal is when a soccer player accidentally scores a goal against their own team.)

Barbasol Jurassic World Collectors Can

In cleaning out my bathroom recently I ran across an old collectors edition can of Barbasol shaving cream branded for the Jurassic World movie. It has pictures of dinosaurs on it. I remember thinking, when I bought it: "I want to use the shaving cream dinosaurs use."

But of course there was a Barbasol shaving cream can in the original Jurassic Park. That duplicitous dweeb guy used it to smuggle out the dinosaur DNA. But that can didn't have dinosaurs printed on it or it may have caused suspicion. As if a guy who can barely grow facial hair bringing a can of shaving cream to his desk at work isn't suspicious enough already.

It may seem strange that a shaving cream company would be involved in a corporate espionage scheme to steal dinosaur DNA from a high-tech theme park, but I remember reading once that scientists claim shaving cream was way better 100 million years ago when it was in a more primordial state. Of course, because it was so good, the dinosaurs used it all up, causing their extinction. Barbasol's thinking when they tried to steal the dinosaur DNA was likely that if they could clone a dinosaur with the stolen DNA, maybe they could ask it how to make shaving cream like it was back in the dinosaur era. That way they would save the money it will cost to send Duck Dodgers to Planet X to wage war against the Martians for control of its vast natural resources of the shaving cream atom Illudium Phosdex. (It is said that on Planet X, shaving cream deposits are in a primordial state similar to how it was on prehistoric Earth.) But then the dinosaurs will obviously conquer the planet in order to get back the shaving cream supply they lost so they can use it up again. They just never learn, with those teensy brains.

It's pretty funny that there are collectible cans of shaving cream commemorating movies. Do people actually collect them? I wonder if Barbasol made commemorative cans in 1931 for the movies Dracula and Frankenstein? Dracula would have been in the original red can, and Frankenstein in the soothing aloe green can, obviously. I'd be interested in having those cans, maybe, if they exist, which they don't. I kind of doubt Jurassic World will be remembered as fondly 85 years from now as those movies are, but of course, I could be wrong.

The Hanoi Hilton

With the passing of American hero and Arizona Senator John McCain last weekend we've heard a lot about the "Hanoi Hilton", which was the prisoner-of-war camp John McCain suffered in for numerous years during the Vietnam War. I've often wondered how much the Hilton Hotel company paid Ho Chi Minh for the rights to name it the Hanoi Hilton. They must have had a bidding war with Hyatt and Holiday Inn over who got to add their company's name. Nowadays corporations like to sponsor sports facilities, but back then I guess it was stuff like prison camps that were available to name. Maybe the Hanoi Hilton is the earliest example of such a corporate sponsorship in exchange for naming rights.

Icy Hot/Ben-Gay Neymar Ad (Joke/Proposed)

We see Neymar walking down the street when he gets a muscle cramp in his leg and he falls down, flopping to the ground and writhing in agony, holding his leg. Then the announcer says that when muscle pain strikes, use Icy Hot/Ben-Gay.

Slo-Mo Arguments

Well, the World Cup is all done and in the books now, and it was a really good one. We had FIFA colluding with the Russians, lots of fake flopping and writhing around on the ground, and quite a lot of great goals that would be great on any promo reel for the tournament. But I think what I will miss most from this World Cup is all the post-foul slo-mo footage of players arguing with the referee. Denials of guilt, professions of innocence, explosions of indignant rage, pleas for mercy: they were all there, lovingly presented in 4K slow motion so we could enjoy all the pathos, all the cynicism, all the dishonesty, and all the histrionics this great sport has to offer. We were even treated to many slo-mo replays of players writhing in mock agony. (I wonder if there are drama classes specifically devoted to soccer foul acting. These could double their income by dividing the course into two parts: denials and writhing. Think of all the money that would roll into that industry! Industry ads would scream cash rolls into coffers like balls into a goal. But I suppose if players could do it convincingly, it would take all the fun out of it for viewers at home.)

Farmer's Insurance Peter Strzok Joke Ad

We've all read Peter Strzok's messages to his paramour FBI lawyer where he refers to an insurance policy. Well, how about a Farmer's Insurance ad, featuring the current campaign where that abusive band teacher (J.K. Simmons won an Oscar for playing that role, in the movie Whiplash.) shows people around their museum of wacky insurance oddities (the key term here is 'oddities', because these ads claim these claims were covered, and that's just not the insurance industry I'm familiar with...). Only this time, J. K. Simmons says to his guest, Peter Strzok, who is shopping for an insurance policy against Donald Trump becoming president: "An orange Julius Caesar." Then we see a flashback to election night, and Trump's supporters are cheering and jumping up and down, and Hillary Clinton's supporters are crying at the Javitz Center, ad then we see a picture of the Inauguration flash by, and other wacky assorted oddities from Trump's presidency. Then we cut back to Simmons and Strzok, and we see Simmons point to a bright orange sculpture of an extremely gauche-looking Donald Trump with a crown on and smiling, and Simmons says: "We know a lot 'cause we've covered a lot." Strzok replies: "You've covered that? That's the exact insurance policy I'm looking for! How did you know?"

Here are a couple of examples of the current Farmer's Insurance ad campaign:

https://www.ispot.tv/ad/dOx6/farmers-insurance-hall-of-claims-cactus-calamity

https://www.ispot.tv/ad/wpXX/farmers-insurance-hall-of-claims-abstract-accident