Banned Russian Rio 2016 Olympians Glad to Miss Zika Virus

Recently it was announced that Russia's track and field team would be banned from the Rio Olympic Games. But, in a surprising turn of events, banned Russian athletes said they only used doping so they would have an excuse not to have to go to the Rio Olympics where they'd be sure to get infected with the Zika virus. That way, they'd be sure to be well to compete in future events, and have normal babies later on. "We meant to do that," they were quoted as saying, adding: "We never would have been caught otherwise, as our doping program is way too sophisticated to ever be detected. Um, I mean…" (But it was too late. Once the cat was out of the bag, the polonium was in the food, and the ricin pellets in the umbrellas.)