Dr. Scholl's Odor-X Odor Fighting Insoles Shoe Tongue Ad (Proposed)

In this proposed ad for Dr. Scholl's Odor-X Odor Fighting Insoles, we see a close-up of a dirty-looking shoe, and we see someone's foot slide out of the shoe, and through the magic of CGI, the shoe's tongue protrudes out of the shoe, cartoon eyes open on the shoe, and the shoe says: "Blech! That foot smells terrible!" Then we see a hand insert a Dr. Scholl's Odor-X Odor Fighting Insole, and the shoe's tongue goes back to normal, and the shoe gets a relieved look on it, and it says: "Aaah! That's much better!"

Black & Decker Dust Buster Joke Ad

The slogan for Black & Decker's Dust Buster ads is currently: "For whatever life throws at you."

I'd like to see an ad where some people go to the zoo and a monkey throws its feces at them. Then we see a zoo worker run and get a Dust Buster to vacuum the monkey poop off of the visitors.

Then they say the slogan: "For whatever life throws at you."

Food Packaging Design: New Look!

Whenever a food product gets a package design makeover, it's generally accompanied by the claim: "New look, same great taste!"

I'd like to see a new package design for a food product that says: "New look to distract you from noticing it doesn't taste as good anymore!"

Horror Movies Home Video Christmas Ad (Joke/Proposed)

Horror movies are called: "Stalking Stuffers" as we see slasher style horror movies being put into Christmas stockings, and we see clips from the movies, such as: "Silent Night, Deadly Night", "Christmas Evil", "Black Christmas" (both versions: original and remake), as well as others like: "Friday the 13th", etc.

Big Box Retailer Black Friday Joke Ad

We see video of people swarming a store, pushing and shoving each other, fighting over items, trampling other shoppers, etc., and over this we hear a joke version of the Beatles' song: "All You Need Is Love", altered to sing:

All you need is stuff,
All you need is stuff,
All you need is stuff, stuff,
Stuff is all you need."

Cough Medicine Kafka Ad (Proposed)

We see someone suffering from a bad cough in a gray, dismal environment, and the announcer says: "Having a bad cough can be a Kafkaesque experience." Then the sick person we see couches two big, loud coughs that sound like: "Cough! Kuh!" Then the announcer adds: "End it, and return to normalcy, with (whatever brand of cough medicine). Then we see the person with the cough take the medicine, and their environment transforms into a normal, and colorful, home or work environment.

Cars 4

You know there will be another Cars sequel, and I think I can predict what the plot will be.

Lightning McQueen returns to his hometown in the Ozarks (where he used to run moonshine) for what he thinks will be a happy homecoming, but instead he finds most of the cars he knew are either addicted to speed, huffing gas, or worst of all, running on fuel-injected CARfentanil (!), and he is driven to help put the brakes on this epidemic fast.

A Cartoon The New Yorker Probably Wouldn't Publish

An obese man lies dead on the ground from a heart attack, and his ghost says to the Grim Reaper, who has come to fetch his spirit: "Stop fat-shaming me."

Tums Jonah & the Whale Ad (Joke/Proposed)

In a joke on a Discovery Channel type of historical biblical documentary show, a (fake) historian or archaeologist would explain how the biblical figure Jonah survived inside the stomach of the whale (or great fish, or whatever version of the Bible you have calls it) without being digested by using Tums to neutralize the acid inside the whale's stomach. And then the historian/archaeologist would add that it's obvious Jonah used Tums, because otherwise Jonah wouldn't have been able to survive inside a stomach for three days and three nights, but rather, he would have been burned and drowned by the stomach acid and digested. And so as we can clearly see, without Tums, the biblical story of Jonah never could have happened realistically or believably (which we all know it totally did).

Dental Implants Ad Song (Proposed)

We see a series of different adults, all with cosmetic dental problems with their front two teeth (missing, damaged, broken, cracked, etc.), singing the following lyrics from the song: "All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth":

All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth,
My two front teeth,
My two front teeth,
All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth,
My two front teeth,
My two front teeth,
All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth,
My two front teeth,
See my two front teeth,
Gee, if I could only have my two front teeth,
Then I could wish you: "Merry Christmas!"

(Normally this is a cute song meant to be sung by little children who are missing their two front teeth because their baby teeth have fallen out and their adult teeth have not grown in yet. But to have a series of adults singing the song would show how much more of a problem it is for adults to need two front teeth. And then the announcer would explain how and where to get dental implants.)

Debt Consolidation Christmas Ad Song (Proposed)

Christmas is coming, the wallet's getting thin,
How can we be jolly, with all the debt we're in?

(Then the announcer goes on to explain how we can consolidate our debt into one low monthly bill so we won't get panicked by the soul crushing feeling of owing money to lots of different people and places, all with high APRs and monthly minimum payments, etc.)

New Lysol Scents for Christmas

Based upon popular demand, Lysol offers the new Eggnog and Sugar Plumb scented toilet cleaner for this years' holidays!

Also, burnt candle and latke scented candles for Chanukah.

Oh, you don't celebrate either of those holidays? Then send us all your requests in scratch-n-sniff form so we can do it for you next year!

(BTW: Just kidding! This is a joke, and Lysol will likely kill me like they do germs when they find out I wrote this. Sorry, Lysol. It is a free ad of sorts, though, right?)

Antique Americans

In this world of ever evolving politically correct terminology, might I suggest one that may have missed the attention that it deserves?

That would be the term for Senior Citizens. Maybe they don't feel so senior. So I would humbly recommend the following term: "Antique Americans".

After all, they love Antiques Roadshow, so they're bound to love this new moniker.

The Human Music Cycle

Children’s Songs

Your Parents’ Music

Whatever Music Drives Your Parents Crazy

More of Whatever Music Drives Your Parents Crazy

Whatever Music You Actually Like

Whatever Music Your Significant Other Likes

Turn That Noise Down! (Once you have kids of your own.)

Whatever Music Your Kids Like That You Don't Hate

Nostalgia Music

Children’s Songs