Have You Never Been Metal? (Joke Song)

(Based upon the song: "Have You Never Been Mellow" by Olivia Newton John)

Have you never been metal?
Have you never tried?
If you had, I think that you'd have died!

Joke Insurance "Acts of God" Ad (Joke/Proposed)

We see a heavy Metal band (like Slayer) arrive for band practice and plug in their guitars. The announcer says insurance companies do not cover "Acts of God". Then the band starts playing (some fast low 'E'-string thrash metal riff like something Slayer would have played on Reign in Blood or South of Heaven, or Seasons in the Abyss, and the singer asks, singing: "What about acts of... SATAN!...?" (Singing the name: "Satan" very loud and high-pitched like Tom Araya at the beginning of "Angel of Death", or like Bruce Dickinson from Iron Maiden on "The Number of the Beast".) And the announcer chimes in, saying insurance does not cover against Acts of Satan either, sorry. And the band stops playing and looks at the camera with a crestfallen look upon their faces.

This is "Angel of Death" by Slayer:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a_7TMeDTX_U

And this is "The Number of the Beast" by Iron Maiden:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-iRf9AWoyE

LensCrafters "Love Is Blind" Valentine's Day Ad (Proposed)

We see Cupid flying through the air in a romantic candlelit restaurant, bumping into things as he flies because he cannot see. Then the announcer chimes in, saying: "It is said that love is blind. Well, actually it's only legally blind. That's why so many of us fall for the wrong people." As the announcer says this, we see Cupid flying around the restaurant shooting his arrows of love at prospective amorous mates, but much of the time missing his intended target due to his vision impairment and instead hitting the wrong target, causing the wrong people to fall in love, creating much amour fou and incompatible couples in the process, causing much confusion and frustration in lovers and consternation amongst their friends and family members (and pre-in-laws to be). So LensCrafters gives Cupid some (new) glasses (or contact lenses), and from this point on he always shoots straight and hits his intended dead center each and every time. And the announcer says: "Let LensCrafters help you see the one you love in perfect focus this Valentine's Day!"

Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup "Can-noodle" Valentine's Day Ad (Proposed)

We see a couple snuggling, canoodling even, on their couch by the fire at night on Valentine's Day. We see evidence of Valentine's Day cards and exchanged gifts, and two cups of Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup sit next to each other. Then the couple kisses, hugs, and sits up to partake of their soup. Giggling, they kiss again and then feed each other a spoonful of their soups (We see a close-up of the spoons with broth, chicken and noodles in the spoons, steaming), and the (superimposed) headline reads: "Canoodling." (or: "Can-noodling.") Then the (female) announcer says, amorously, that a couple of steaming bowls of Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup is the perfect can of noodles for loving couples to warm up and canoodle to on Valentine's Day.

Olympics Women's Super G Bounty Ad (Proposed)

Ester Ledecka won the women's Super G skiing gold medal today, and when she was asked: "How long did it take you to absorb the fact that you won Olympic gold?" And Ledecka replied: "I'm still not absorbing (it)."

This report could be replayed, with the addendum: "Brought to you by Bounty Paper Towels, the most absorbent paper towels you can buy!" and followed by an ad for Bounty Paper Towels.

Bounty Paper Towels are made by Procter & Gamble (P&G), and they're a sponsor of the 2018 Winter Olympic Games, so it would work well to segue into an ad for Bounty Paper Towels.

United Healthcare Baby Poop Ad

In this ad for United Healthcare, we see a couple of young parents concerned about their baby's poop. So the mother wants to video chat with a doctor to make sure the baby's poop is normal, and while getting her phone for her, the father slips on a roller skate and crashes into the bookcase behind him. Well, the doctor says the poop is normal for a newborn, and then he jokes that the father's spasticity is normal for a new parent. But is leaving an errant roller skate in the middle of the floor of a new baby's room really normal? Because it seems ridiculously irresponsible to me. I mean, luckily for the baby, the father slipped on the roller skate and went crashing into the bookcase instead of the newborn. And it seemed to me to be an adult-sized roller skate of the clamp onto the shoe variety; so, what, are the new parents roller skating around the baby's crib to entertain it? In fact, the roller skate is such a non-sequitur in a new baby's room to be left in the middle of the floor, unless they want the baby to hurt or kill itself. So why not have the father step on a sharp-ish baby toy instead, and then grab his foot in pain and then hop backwards, losing balance and crashing backwards into the bookshelf? That would make a lot more sense, wouldn't it?

Or wasn't it supposed to be a roller skate? It sure looked like one to me when I saw the spot last during Olympics coverage. If it isn't a roller skate, it certainly seems every bit as dangerous as one, doesn't it? And as such, it shouldn't really be in the baby's room, should it?

Here's the roller poopy ad for United Healthcare:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j6pMB0JUdag

Apple Watch Olympics Joke Ad

Some squashed guy, killed by being run over by a car, says: “If I hadn’t been looking at my Apple Watch, I would have seen the car coming, and I would still be alive.”